Both parents need to nurture children. Healthy parenting helps the grown child be his or her own best mother and father. A child must not only feel loved, but also that he or she is understood and valued by both parents as a separate, unique individual and that both parents want a relationship with him or her. Although we have many needs, I’m focusing on nurturing emotional needs.

Emotional Needs

In addition to physical nourishment, including gentle touch, care, and food, emotional nurturing consists of meeting a child’s emotional needs. These include:

• Love
• Play
• Respect
• Encouragement
• Understanding
• Acceptance
• Empathy
• Comfort
• Reliability
• Guidance
• The importance of empathy

A child’s thoughts and feelings need to be taken seriously and listened to with respect and understanding. One way of communicating this is by mirroring or reflecting back what he or she is saying. “You’re angry that it’s time to stop playing now.” Instead of judgment (“you shouldn’t be jealous of Cindy’s new friend”), a child needs acceptance and empathic understanding, such as: “I know you’re hurt and feel left out by Cindy and her friend.”

Empathy is deeper than intellectual understanding. It’s identification at an emotional level with what the child feels and needs. Of course, it’s equally important that a parent appropriately meets those needs, including giving comfort in moments of distress.

Accurate empathy is important for children to feel understood and accepted. Otherwise, they may feel alone, abandoned, and not loved for who they are, but only for what their parents want to see. Many parents unwittingly harm their children by denying, ignoring, or shaming their child’s needs, actions, and expressions of thoughts or feelings. Simply saying, “How could you do that?” may be felt as shaming or humiliating. Responding to a child’s tears with laughter, or “That’s nothing to cry about,” or “You shouldn’t be (or ‘Don’t be’) sad,” are forms of denying and shaming a child’s natural feelings.

Even parents who have sympathetic intentions may be preoccupied or misunderstand and misattuned to their child. With enough repetitions, a child learns to deny and dishonor natural feelings and needs and to believe that he or she is unloved or inadequate.

Good parents are also reliable and protective. They keep promises and commitments, provide nourishing food and medical and dental care. They protect their child from anyone who threatens or harms him or her.

Tips for Self-Love & Self-Nurturing

Once grown, you still have these emotional needs. Self-love means meeting them. If fact, it’s each person’s responsibility to be his or her own parent and meet these emotional needs, irrespective of whether you’re in a relationship. Of course, there are times you need support, touch, understanding, and encouragement from others. However, the more you practice self-nurturing, the better your relationships will be.

All of the things a good mother does, you have the superior capacity to do, for who knows your deepest feelings and needs better than you?

Here are some steps you can take:

• When you have uncomfortable feelings, put your hand on your chest, and say aloud, “You’re (or I’m) ____.” (e.g., angry, sad, afraid, lonely). This accepts and honors your feelings.
• If you have difficulty identifying your feelings, pay attention to your inner dialogue. Notice your thoughts. Do they express worry, judgment, despair, resentment, envy, hurt, or wishing? Notice your moods. Are you irritable, anxious, or blue? Try to name your specific feelings. (“Upset” isn’t a specific feeling.) Do this several times a day to increase your feeling recognition. You can find lists of hundreds of feelings online.
• Think or write about the cause or trigger for your feeling and what you need that will make you feel better. Meeting needs is good parenting.
• If you’re angry or anxious, practice yoga or martial arts, meditation, or simple breathing exercises. Slowing your breath slows your brain and calms your nervous system. Exhale 10 times making a hissing (“sss”) sound with your tongue behind your teeth. Doing something active is also ideal for releasing anger.
• Practice giving yourself comfort: Write a supportive letter to yourself, expressing what an ideal parent would say. Have a warm drink. Studies show this actually elevates your mood. Swaddle your body in a blanket or sheet like a baby. This is soothing and comforting to your body.
• Do something pleasurable, e.g., read or watch comedy, look at beauty, walk in nature, sing or dance, create something, or stroke your skin. Pleasure releases chemicals in the brain that counterbalance pain, stress, and negative emotions. Discover what pleasures you. (To read more about the neuroscience of pleasure, read my article, “The Healing Power of Pleasure”.)
• Adults also need to play. This means doing something purposeless that fully engages you and is enjoyable for its own sake. The more active the better, i.e., play with your dog vs. walking him, sing or collect seashells vs. watching television. Play brings you into the pleasure of the moment. Doing something creative is a great way to play, but be cautious not to judge yourself. Remember the goal is enjoyment – not the finished product.
• Practice complimenting and encouraging yourself – especially when you don’t think you’re doing enough. Notice this self-judgment for what it is, and be a positive coach. Remind yourself of what you have done and allow yourself time to rest and rejuvenate.
• Forgive yourself. Good parents don’t punish children for mistakes or constantly remind them, and they don’t punish willful wrongs repeatedly. Instead, learn from mistakes and make amends when necessary.
• Keep commitments to yourself as you would anyone else. When you don’t, you’re in effect abandoning yourself. How would you feel if your parent repeatedly broke promises to you? Love yourself by demonstrating that you’re important enough to keep commitments to yourself.

A Word of Caution

Beware of self-judgment. Remember that feelings aren’t rational. Whatever you feel is okay and it’s okay if you don’t know why you feel the way you do. What is important is acceptance of your feelings and the positive actions you take to nurture yourself. Many people think, “I shouldn’t be angry (sad, afraid, depressed, etc.). This may reflect judgment they received as a child. Often it’s this unconscious self-judgment that is the cause of irritability and depression. Learn how to combat self-criticism in my ebook, “10 Steps to Self-Esteem,” available in online bookstores.

Of course, feeling trapped is a state of mind. No one needs consent to leave a relationship. Millions of people remain in unhappy relationships that range from empty to abusive for many reasons; however, the feeling of suffocation or of having no choices stems from fear that’s often unconscious.

People give many explanations for staying in bad relationships, ranging from caring for young children to caring for a sick mate. One man was too afraid and guilt-ridden to leave his ill wife (11 years his senior). His ambivalence made him so distressed, he died before she did! Money binds couples, too, especially in a bad economy. Yet, more affluent couples may cling to a comfortable lifestyle, while their marriage dissolves into a business arrangement.

Homemakers fear being self-supporting or single moms, and breadwinners dread paying support and seeing their assets divided. Often spouses fear feeling shamed for leaving a “failed” marriage. Some even worry their spouse may harm him- or herself. Battered women may stay out of fear of retaliation. Most people tell themselves “The grass isn’t any greener,” believe they’re too old to find love again and imagine nightmarish online dating scenarios. Also, some cultures still stigmatize divorce.

Unconscious Fears

Despite the abundance of reasons, many of which are realistic, there are deeper, unconscious ones that keep people trapped – usually fears of separation and loneliness. In longer relationships, spouses often don’t develop individual activities or support networks. In the past, an extended family served that function.

Whereas women tend to have girlfriends in whom they confide and are usually closer with their parents, traditionally, men focus on work, but disregard their emotional needs and rely exclusively on their wife for support. Yet, both men and women often neglect developing individual interests. Some codependent women give up their friends, hobbies, and activities and adopt those of their male companions. The combined effect of this adds to fears of loneliness and isolation people envisage from being on their own.

For spouses married a number of years, their identity may be as a “husband” or “wife” – a “provider” or “homemaker.” The loneliness experienced upon divorce is tinged with feeling lost. It’s an identity crisis. This also may be significant for a noncustodial parent, for whom parenting is a major source of self-esteem.

Some people have never lived alone. They left home or their college roommate for a marriage or romantic partner. The relationship helped them leave home – physically. Yet, they’ve never completed the developmental milestone of “leaving home” psychologically, meaning becoming an autonomous adult. They are as tied to their mate as they once were to their parents.

Going through divorce or separation brings with it all of the unfinished work of becoming an independent “adult.” Fears about leaving their spouse and children may be reiterations of the fears and guilt that they would have had upon separating from their parents, which were avoided by quickly getting into a relationship or marriage.

Guilt about leaving a spouse may be due to the fact that their parents didn’t appropriately encourage emotional separation. Although the negative impact of divorce upon children is real, parents’ worries may also be projections of fears for themselves. This is compounded if they suffered from their parents’ divorce.

Lack of Autonomy

Autonomy implies being an emotionally secure, separate, and independent person. The lack of autonomy not only makes separation difficult, it naturally also makes people more dependent upon their partner. The consequence is that people feel trapped or “on the fence” and wracked with ambivalence. On one hand, they crave freedom and independence; on the other hand, they want the security of a relationship – even a bad one. Autonomy doesn’t mean you don’t need others. In fact, it allows you to experience healthy dependence on others without the fear of suffocation. Examples of psychological autonomy include:

1. You don’t feel lost and empty when you’re alone.
2. You don’t feel responsible for others’ feelings and actions.
3. You don’t take things personally.
4. You can make decisions on your own.
5. You have your own opinions and values and aren’t easily suggestible.
6. You can initiate and do things on your own.
7. You can say “no” and ask for space.
8. You have your own friends.

Often, it’s this lack of autonomy that makes people unhappy in relationships or unable to commit. Because they can’t leave, they fear getting close. They’re afraid of even more dependence – of losing themselves completely. They may people-please or sacrifice their needs, interests, and friends, and then build resentments toward their partner.

A Way Out of Your Unhappiness

The way out may not require leaving the relationship. Freedom is an inside job. Develop a support system and become more independent and assertive. Take responsibility for your happiness by developing your passions instead of focusing on the relationship. Find out more about becoming assertive in my e-book, How to Speak Your Mind — Become Assertive and Set Limits.

Types of Boundaries

There are several areas where boundaries apply:

• Material boundaries determine whether you give or lend things, such as your money, car, clothes, books, food, or toothbrush.
• Physical boundaries pertain to your personal space, privacy, and body. Do you give a handshake or a hug – to whom and when? How do you feel about loud music, nudity, and locked doors?
• Mental boundaries apply to your thoughts, values, and opinions. Are you easily suggestible? Do you know what you believe, and can you hold onto your opinions? Can you listen with an open mind to someone else’s opinion without becoming rigid? If you become highly emotional, argumentative, or defensive, you may have weak emotional boundaries.
• Emotional boundaries distinguish separating your emotions and responsibility for them from someone else’s. It’s like an imaginary line or force field that separates you and others. Healthy boundaries prevent you from giving advice, blaming or accepting blame. They protect you from feeling guilty for someone else’s negative feelings or problems and taking others’ comments personally. High reactivity suggests weak emotional boundaries. Healthy emotional boundaries require clear internal boundaries – knowing your feelings and your responsibilities to yourself and others.
• Sexual boundaries protect your comfort level with sexual touch and activity – what, where, when, and with whom.
• Spiritual boundaries relate to your beliefs and experiences in connection with God or a higher power.

Why It’s Hard

It’s hard for codependents to set boundaries because:

1. They put others’ needs and feelings first;
2. They don’t know themselves;
3. They don’t feel they have rights;
4. They believe setting boundaries jeopardizes the relationship; and
5. They never learned to have healthy boundaries.

Boundaries are learned. If yours weren’t valued as a child, you didn’t learn you had them. Any kind of abuse violates personal boundaries, including teasing. For example, my brother ignored my pleas for him to stop tickling me until I could barely breathe. This made me feel powerless and that I didn’t have a right to say “stop” when I was uncomfortable. In recovery, I gained the capacity to tell a masseuse to stop and use less pressure. In some cases, boundary violations affect a child’s ability to mature into an independent, responsible adult.

You Have Rights

You may not believe you have any rights if yours weren’t respected growing up. For example, you have a right to privacy, to say “no,” to be addressed with courtesy and respect, to change your mind or cancel commitments, to ask people you hire to work the way you want, to ask for help, to be left alone, to conserve your energy, and not to answer a question, the phone, or an email.

Think about all the situations where these rights apply. Write how you feel and how you currently handle them. How often do you say “yes” when you’d like to say “no?”

Write want you want to happen. List your personal bill of rights. What prevents you from asserting them? Write statements expressing your bottom line. Be kind. For example, “Please don’t criticize (or call) me (or borrow my . . .),” and “Thank you for thinking of me, but I regret I won’t be joining (or able to help) you . . .”

Internal Boundaries

Internal boundaries involve regulating your relationship with yourself. Think of them as self-discipline and healthy management of time, thoughts, emotions, behavior and impulses. If you’re procrastinating, doing things you neither have to nor want to do, or overdoing and not getting enough rest, recreation, or balanced meals, you may be neglecting internal physical boundaries. Learning to manage negative thoughts and feelings empowers you, as does the ability to follow through on goals and commitments to yourself.

Healthy emotional and mental internal boundaries help you not to assume responsibility for, or obsess about, other people’s feelings and problems – something codependents commonly do. Strong internal boundaries curb suggestibility. You think about yourself, rather than automatically agreeing with others’ criticism or advice. You’re then empowered to set external emotional boundaries if you choose. Similarly, since you’re accountable for your feelings and actions, you don’t blame others. When you’re blamed, if you don’t feel responsible, instead of defending yourself or apologizing, you can say, “I don’t take responsibility for that.”

Guilt and Resentment

Anger often is a signal that action is required. If you feel resentful or victimized and are blaming someone or something, it might mean that you haven’t been setting boundaries. If you feel anxious or guilty about setting boundaries, remember, your relationship suffers when you’re unhappy. Once you get practice setting boundaries, you feel empowered and suffer less anxiety, resentment, and guilt. Generally, you receive more respect from others and your relationships improve.

Setting Effective Boundaries

People often say they set a boundary, but it didn’t help. There’s an art to setting boundaries. If it’s done in anger or by nagging, you won’t be heard. Boundaries are not meant to punish, but are for your well-being and protection. They’re more effective when you’re assertive, calm, firm, and courteous. If that doesn’t work, you may need to communicate consequences to encourage compliance. It’s essential, however, that you never threaten a consequence you’re not fully prepared to carry out.

It takes time, support, and relearning to be able to set effective boundaries. Self-awareness and learning to be assertive are the first steps. Setting boundaries isn’t selfish. It’s self-love – you say “yes” to yourself each time you say “no.” It builds self-esteem. But it usually takes encouragement to make yourself a priority and to persist, especially when you receive pushback. Read more on setting boundaries in Codependency for Dummies and my e-book, How to Speak Your Mind and Set Limits.

During a recent discussion with some friends this became a topic. Surprisingly, as a group of pretty successful, educated women, none of us gave numbers others expected. We discussed what we thought others’ numbers should have been, but began questioning why our numbers were not so great. We realized our numbers were not so great because we were feeling not so hot.

We discussed how sometimes in the hustle and bustle of getting things done, we forget how much we actually accomplish. We examined how sometimes being successful breeds the desire to be more successful, but is sometimes followed by disappointment when we don’t reach those goals. It was a very interesting conversation, to say the least. This branched off into several directions, one of which included what factors determine how we rate our self-esteem. As educated as we all appear to be, we were rating ourselves by using some pretty dumb factors.

Some were setting unrealistic expectations for themselves, while some were comparing themselves to others. This is crazy. If we are always looking at the person we believe is better than we are, has more than we do, or is capable of more than we are, how much time are we spending honestly and truly looking at ourselves? Some of us were looking at personal achievements and external circumstances. This discussion led to the conclusion that all of these things are stupid. We questioned how we got to this way of thinking, when we all knew the truth was that self-esteem comes from within.

Regardless of whether we like to admit it, we all sometimes measure ourselves by others’ expectations or our own unrealistic expectations. We all seem to have this idea of success and failure. What is “failure”? We are taught so many meanings of failure as we grow and this definition varies among cultures, statuses and individuals.

I personally do not like to view anything as a failure. If I don’t succeed at something, but I’ve walked away with a lesson learned, it’s not a failure. If I don’t complete something the correct way, but I learn how to do it correctly in the future, it’s not a failure. Our view of “failure” kills our self-esteem. As a matter of fact, most of the thinking that I’ve mentioned here could be enough to kill our self-esteem. So how do we avoid these killers? We avoid them by using these boosters!

Think positive and you will be positive.

I am a firm believer that what we think and what we believe plays a part in all of the outcomes in life. Think positive and positive things will come. Step out of your comfort zone and say “I can do this.” We tend to talk ourselves out of things before we ever begin to try them. If you don’t believe you can think positive, then as my mother and father would say, “fake it ‘til you make it.” It may seem silly, but pretend to be the confident person you wish you were. Eventually you will begin to make that role more of a reality, and you may be surprised by the results.

Begin embracing your positive qualities.

Make a mental or actual list of all the skills, experiences, talents and resources you have that make you great. Being mindful of how wonderful you actually are will surely increase your self-esteem.

Remember, you are in control of how you feel about you. Let go of unrealistic expectations and stop making comparisons. You are you, and you are the only person who can be you. Be the best you that you can be and feel great about it!

The statistics regarding obesity in America are alarming. Currently, 35 percent of American adults are obese (CDC, 2012), and that number is projected to rise to over 50 percent in most states by 2030 (Henry, 2011). We’ve been fighting the so-called “war against obesity” since the 1980s, and yet despite all of our efforts, the problem has only gotten worse. Clearly, what we’ve been doing to try to solve this problem isn’t working and is possibly making it even worse. In my opinion, the reason for this is that the psychological piece hasn’t been addressed yet and until it is, we will have an increasing problem on our hands.

Years ago I was seeing a client who we’ll call Sarah. Sarah was very obese and desperate to lose weight. Her doctor had recently told her that if she didn’t lose a significant amount of weight she would lose her mobility as well as have a host of other medical consequences. Sarah tried numerous diets and exercise programs but nothing worked. She even enrolled in a weight loss clinic but had no success. She actually ended up gaining even more weight during this time. Not knowing what else to do, Sarah’s doctor told her that she needed to talk to a therapist.

When I met Sarah she was quite desperate to lose the weight and very depressed. Much to her surprise, I told her that I didn’t want us to work on her losing weight, but rather I wanted to work on her depression and teach her to accept and love herself unconditionally. This seemed the opposite of what she needed in order to lose weight, but Sarah decided to trust me anyway. You see, like a lot of people, Sarah thought that if she could just hate herself enough, that would motivate her to do whatever it took to lose the weight. As a therapist, I know that that is simply not going to work. We therapists follow something called the “Rogerian hypothesis,” which states that people tend to move in a positive direction only when given unconditional love and acceptance. Well, I’m happy to say that after we had alleviated Sarah’s depression and she had learned to love and accept herself, the weight came right off.

The current methods for helping people lose weight seem to be the opposite of love and acceptance. Much of the efforts seem to involve trying to shame and scare people into losing weight. This simply doesn’t work. The worst thing you can do is give someone more anxiety and depression regarding their weight, and I’m going to explain why that is later on. Also, the ways we go about teaching people to lose weight are much more complicated than they need to be. One should not have to read a book, go to a clinic, or take a class to learn how to lose weight. There is a very successful diet that has been around for thousands of years and all of the big celebrities do it. Can you guess what it is? It’s called “Moving more and eating less.” How you go about accomplishing this is up to you. I believe that losing weight is not complicated and that people intuitively know how best to do it when it comes to themselves. They simply need to stop feeling so anxious and depressed about it.

Obesity and Genetics

Before I talk more about how obesity is linked to depression and anxiety, I first want to briefly address the popular belief that obesity is purely a problem of bad genes. This is the popular belief and I can see why it is so popular. In a society where people are constantly trying to shame you about your weight, it can feel good to be able to say “Hey, you have no right to shame me about my weight! It’s not something I can control! It’s because of these bad genes I have!” But in order for this to be true, it means that our genes would have had to somehow change since the 1960s. Scientists agree that genetics is not responsible for the obesity epidemic, although they do agree it is a factor. Depending on which study you look at, genes only account for between 1 percent and 5 percent of a person’s body mass index (Li et al., 2010). I think that most people would agree that 5 percent of bad genes doesn’t excuse the 95 percent of it that scientists claim is due to bad habits.

When confronted with these facts, people often cite that most of the people in their family are also obese, so it must be genetics. However, the more likely possibility is that families tend to eat the same foods and have similar habits. Genetics also doesn’t explain why obese people also tend to have obese pets (Bounds, 2011). Obviously the dog doesn’t share the same genes as the owner, but they do share the same environment. Of course, we can’t mention genetics without looking at twin studies. Since identical twins have identical genes, researchers often compare twins to examine the effects of genetics and the environment on a person.

Obesity and Depression

Researchers aren’t quite sure if obesity causes depression or if depression causes obesity, but the two are definitely linked. In fact, the two conditions are so intertwined that some are calling obesity and depression a double epidemic. Studies have found that 66 percent of those seeking bariatric, (weight loss) surgery have had a history of at least one mental health disorder. And of course, it doesn’t help that the medications people take for depression and other mental health issues can cause dramatic weight gain.

Consider this: According to the CDC, half of Americans will suffer from some sort of mental illness, and most of them will not receive any treatment for it. 63 percent of Americans are also overweight or obese. There are almost as many Americans taking diet pills as there are taking antidepressants (8 percent and 10 percent). People with mental health issues are twice as likely as those without them to be obese, and that’s even before they start taking psychiatric medication (McElroy, 2009).

So why are people with mental health issues so much more likely than those without them to be obese? We know that depression and bipolar depression slows down your metabolism (Lutter & Elmquist, 2009). Depression also depletes our willpower, making us less likely to avoid eating unhealthy foods. Depression also causes us to crave high-fat foods and sugar. This is where emotional eating comes in. When we’re feeling down, fatty and sugary foods make us feel better, at least temporarily. Of course, you don’t need to have depression or a mental illness in order to engage in emotional eating. It’s something we learn at a very young age. Eating something unhealthy is much easier than fixing the problem or dealing with what’s causing us to feel unhappy. Teaching people how to deal with unpleasant moods other than by eating would certainly cut down on emotional eating and would certainly lead to significant weight loss.

So if depression causes weight gain and antidepressants cause weight gain, then what is the solution? Well, research has shown that talk therapy is just as effective at relieving depression as antidepressant medication (Doheny, 2010), and talk therapy doesn’t have the negative side effects that medication does. Another option is exercise. In a 2005 study on the effects of exercise vs. Zoloft (anti-depressant medication) on the treatment of depression, participants were randomly placed into two groups. On group received 150 mg of Zoloft while the other group engaged in 20 minutes of cardiovascular exercise three to four times a week. After eight weeks, they found that the exercise was just as effective at reducing depression as the Zoloft! Another thing to consider is that Zoloft has negative side effects such as weight gain, sleep problems, and sexual dysfunction. As you can imagine, the side effects of exercising are the opposite of that.

It’s amazing how much power an 11-letter word holds. It has the power to release freedom and happiness. It has the power to allow us to move forward without ever having to focus on the past. When we fail to forgive, it has the power to bind us and hold us captive to hurt and pain. It has the power to leave us miserable, unhappy, and trapped in a cycle of anger and unease.

We have all experienced some level of hurt. Whether we were mistreated, left brokenhearted, or lost our faith or trust in someone, we all have felt pain.

How do we move past it? How do we stop reliving the same scenario, the same hurt, the same grief, over and over again? How do we truly let go?

We cannot change the past. We also cannot change people. With this in mind, it is important to remember what forgiveness is really about. Forgiveness is not about erasing the past. The past can never be erased. It isn’t simply forgetting what has happened. Sometimes it’s beneficial to remember the pain so we don’t have to endure it again. It is not about making someone else see their faults or expecting your forgiveness to change their behaviors.

Forgiveness, instead, is about giving you the power to accept the situation for what it is or was, letting go, moving past anger and pain, and moving into a better and healthier place.

To reach a place of forgiveness, the following is necessary:

• We need to look at our role in the situation. It is often really easy to find fault with the other party, and sometimes they really are at fault. However, it is important to look at our role as well. What could we have done differently? Are we partially responsible? If we have some responsibility and we are able to accept that responsibility, it makes it a little easier to consider this next suggestion.
• Have some empathy. Often we make the assumption that we have been wronged intentionally when this is not always the case. We should try to see things from the other person’s perspective. Think about how they may have been feeling or what they may have been thinking. Try to consider not only how they were feeling then, but how they are also feeling now. By having empathy, we are sometimes able to understand, which makes it easier to forgive.
• Remember you have the power and you are in control of yourself. No one can drive your car unless you give them the keys and let them take the wheel. No one has control over our emotions but us. No one has the power to make us dwell on past situations but us. If we are stuck it is because we have made that choice. We can easily make the choice to move forward and forgive.
• We have to make a commitment to move on. If forgiving someone was easy, everyone would do it and we’d live in a world with no past hurts or resentments. Wouldn’t that be nice? Forgiveness isn’t easy and it can’t always be done overnight. Recognize that the amount of hurt, resentment, anger, or pain you feel developed over time. It is likely that it is going to take time to work through those feelings and come to the place where you can truly forgive.
• Let go of the past. The past is over. The only place the past takes place is in your mind. The only person that can keep you in your past is you.
• Wish the ones who hurt you well. We can’t say we truly forgive someone and wish them hurt or harm. Once we make the conscious decision to forgive someone, we have to move on. We may have to love them from a distance and wish them well in our hearts. Forgiving and learning to love those who hurt us in spite of the things they have done is one of the most powerful pieces of all.

Mahatma Gandhi said “the weak can never forgive; forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” Find your inner strength to forgive others and discover the happiness and the freedom you deserve.

Neurobiology of Breaking Habits

Self-destructive behavior patterns, such as addictions, are hard to break because they provide immediate relief. But their aftermath makes people defeated and ashamed, requiring more relief, and the cycle continues. These habitual, compulsive behavior patterns limit new learning and connections in the brain by obstructing opportunities to experience the positive rewards from sustainable, effective coping strategies.

Kaitlyn, 17, was bright, vibrant and charismatic. She was adopted at birth (and knew this all along), then struggled from early childhood with both epilepsy and an unbearable sense of psychological pain and inner isolation she could not articulate.

Kaitlyn’s shame and sense of herself as unlovable had its origins in feeling unwanted and abandoned. She was naturally outspoken, gregarious and likable, but developed an early pattern of self-consciousness and inhibition with peers, driven by fear of rejection. She learned to act according to what she thought friends and boys wanted – anxious to be liked and secure her relationships.

Shame, Rage and Self-Harm

Kaitlyn had a history of self-harm, typically provoked by real or imagined rejection. She harbored a secret fantasy of being hurt and then rescued, and impulses to make her pain visible and have it validated by others. This dynamic was an unconscious attempt to manage overpowering feelings. It brought others close enough so she wasn’t alone, while reassuring her she was still loved.

Shame is a terrible feeling of badness associated with wanting to hide one’s head and disappear. Kaitlyn’s feeling of shame and badness was fueled by episodes of rage at home, confirming her fear that she was a “monster” who drove people away and didn’t deserve love and happiness. Rage can be a defense against intolerable shame, when shame turns into blame and is projected onto others. In this way, the bad feeling is passed on like a hot potato, providing temporary respite from feeing terrible, but propelling the cycle of shame and self-destructive behavior.

Self-Fulfilling Prophecy and Self-Sabotage

Shame-based self-perceptions that are acted out through self-destructive fantasies and behavior create a self-fulfilling prophecy, providing rigged evidence of badness. Feelings such as worthlessness, badness, and inferiority have various origins in early experience when we are developing a sense of self. These feelings may later be experienced as factual — as if they represent the truth about who we are. When such compartmentalized experiences of oneself remain secret and unarticulated they can lead to unconscious pressure to make this inner “truth” a reality, leading to self-sabotage.

Dysfunctional behavior patterns are habits with psychological, often unconscious, motives. Breaking them requires insight into what function they serve and the discipline to stop them. It also requires courage and initiative to try out new behaviors and allow a different chain of events to occur. On a neurobehavioral level, new behaviors that generate positive feedback create new pathways in the brain, allowing momentum for psychological growth and change.

Kaitlyn had been caught in waves of powerful feelings and a difficult cycle of self-defeating patterns. But she wanted more than anything to be strong, self-respecting and independent and began to use her determination to work toward these positive goals, instead of hurting herself.

Kaitlyn’s first step was talking in family therapy about being secretly drawn to videos about suicide and self-harm on YouTube, especially when feeling sad or alone. She initially feared being judged and was scared that access to the videos would be taken away. However, as she trusted that it was safe to talk about these secrets without being judged and could make her own decision, Kaitlyn was able to evaluate what she wanted to do.

When taking a neutral step back to assess her thoughts and feelings, Kaitlyn recognized that exposing her mind to this content fed her fantasies, pulling her deeper into darkness, and created a cycle of regression which impeded independence and forward motion. Just as she could choose what food to put into her body based on its effect, she could decide whether she wanted to expose her mind to stories and images that made it harder to resist being self-destructive.

Trying Out New Behaviors

With encouragement, Kaitlyn became motivated to try out new ways to comfort herself. Learning better ways to regulate and take charge of her feelings gave Kaitlyn a jumpstart to taking healthy risks in the world.

Kaitlyn enrolled in a Saturday class in public speaking at a local college to develop her confidence. Having had a seizure at home after the first class, she missed the following class. She felt alienated and experienced a familiar sense of herself as defective, followed by the temptation to hide. In therapy she talked about the isolation and sadness she felt.

A week later, right after the next class, Kaitlyn burst with glee into the family therapy session, followed by her mom and dad. Grabbing the feelings list, she began the meeting as always — naming the feelings that fit her state at the moment: “Alive, amazed, confident, exuberant, happy, hopeful, proud,” she said. The excitement was contagious, but we glanced at each other curiously, waiting to find out what changed.

Kaitlyn went on to describe the class. The teacher asked for improvisational introductions by each student. Inspired by another student who made himself vulnerable, Kaitlyn bravely went up in front of the class and spontaneously spoke to her experience with epilepsy, telling her story in public for the first time. Looking around the classroom as she spoke authentically, Kaitlyn noticed people listening and completely engaged. Invigorated, she was fully present and one with herself. Everything felt natural. The class was mesmerized, responding with tears and applause.

Pride – the Antidote to Shame

Kaitlyn could barely contain the exhilaration brought on by this new feeling of pride (the antidote to shame) which emerged from a new experience of herself in relation to others. She took action that transformed her loneliness and alienation into a feeling of mastery and power. But the feeling of pride came not only from challenging herself with something meaningful to her and succeeding, but from something deeper.

Healthy Risk-Taking and Changing Behavior Patterns

Kaitlyn resisted the impulse to hide or pretend that typically escalated her feeling of being alone and ignited a self-destructive cycle. Instead, she took a healthy risk to let herself be seen, acting confidently from a position of strength and self-respect rather than a wish to be rescued.

Kaitlyn’s behavior created an opportunity for interpersonal feedback that challenged her sense of herself as defective and the belief that she could feel connected and affirmed only through pain. The key element here was that this challenge occurred experientially, not intellectually.

Healthy behaviors that foster connection and affirmation from a position of self-acceptance and self-respect offer the possibility of sustainable attachments. Here, Kaitlyn broke the cycle of feeling connected and affirmed only through darkness, potentially releasing herself from a treadmill of pain.

Choosing Happiness over Suffering: the Results

As she basked in the fact that people seemed to not only like her, but respect her and admire her courage, I said, “You see — you don’t have to hurt yourself to get people to see and care about you.” “ I like being happy!” Kaitlyn exclaimed, with a sense of wonder alongside awareness of the irony of this statement. She glance at her dad and they both smiled knowingly, “Who knew?!” her dad piped up in his good-humored way.

Disclaimer: The characters from these vignettes are fictitious. They were derived from a composite of people and events for the purpose of representing real-life situations and psychological dilemmas that occur in families.

A week of fun in the sun can sound innocent enough, but watch some of the videos of the spring break bacchanals on Youtube or the images on TV shows and in the movies and a darker scene emerges. Thousands of young people, most with a drink in their hands and barely dressed, crowd the beaches and bars. They look like they are having the time of their lives. The women are young and beautiful. The men are hot. The music is loud and the dancing is sexy.

Those images suggest that if you’re not getting wasted and having sex on the beach, you’re missing out. Sadly, going along with the hype means that some young people will lose their self-respect, their idea of their futures, and even their lives on what was supposed to be a fun vacation.

Why? Because what goes on in the hot spots for spring break is often far from innocent. According to a 2006 survey by the American Medical Association, 83 percent of the college women and graduates said that spring break involved heavier-than-usual drinking and 74 percent said the partying often ended up with sexual activity.

Large numbers of students reported getting sick from alcohol and having unprotected sex, sex with more than one partner, or group sex. A night of wild, unprotected sex with a stranger or two may sound like an adventure, but for too many it leads to a lifelong disease (like herpes or hepatitis) or an unwanted pregnancy. Alcohol poisoning can result in a trip to the local hospital and an unpleasant, highly dangerous end to the vacation.

In the last few years more and more students have been traveling to Mexico or Jamaica. The State Department estimates that 100,000 will travel out of the country. The beaches are beautiful. The sun is warmer. The drinking age is lower. But the apparently easy availability of drugs adds another element of danger for the American student. What starts with what seems like an innocent buy of some party drug on the beach may end with time in a foreign jail. Mexican jails are particularly unforgiving. Mexican drug cartels are even less so. Penalties for possession in Jamaica are inflexible and harsh.

Why do otherwise sensible, bright young people end up in trouble on what is supposed to be a dream vacation in the spring? Chalk it up to mob psychology, peer pressure, and the mythology that surrounds spring break. It’s hard to be responsible when all around you seem to be letting loose. It’s tough to be the person who stops at one shot when everyone else is downing 10 or to put on a shirt when the rest of the crowd is baring butts and breasts. It’s hard to leave the mob to saunter down the beach and hang out in a beach chair with the old folks who have fled to a less popular (but still warm) spot. And who wants to be the only one who doesn’t have great stories of unbridled partying when you get home? Partying is what the spring break is all about, isn’t it? Or is it?

It really isn’t a rule that to have a complete college experience, a student has to engage in irresponsible and dangerous behavior during spring break. In fact, despite the scenes on MTV and Youtube, it isn’t even the norm. Participants in a 2009 study of students’ motivations for going on spring break that was done at Penn State showed that most didn’t go to get wasted or to have uninhibited sex. Most students, in fact, reported that they go to vacation spots simply to get away from the usual routine of school, to have a relaxed vacation, to spend time with friends and family or just because they have nowhere else to spend the week their schools shut down.

Safety Tips from Students Who Have Been There

Tips from students who have gone on spring break and had a good time without getting into trouble sound terribly like what any good parent will tell you. Don’t let that stop you from taking care of yourself.

1. Tell your parents or other people at home where you are going, who you’ll be with, and when to expect you back. Let them know how to reach you if necessary. Stay in touch to let them know you’re okay. They will worry less. You will be safer. Hopefully you won’t be one of those who drop out of sight. But if you are, it’s important that someone knows where you were supposed to be and who was with you.
2. Use the buddy system. When you are in a bar or in a partying crowd, take care of each other. Don’t let yourselves get separated.
3. Don’t go anywhere with strangers. No exceptions. See number 2. If you meet up with people who want to show you the town or take you to their homes, don’t.
4. Be aware of your surroundings. Take a moment to assess the scene and to decide if it’s where you really want to be. Know where the exits are. Don’t let yourself get isolated.
5. Know the local laws, especially if you are traveling outside the U.S.
6. Don’t drink to the point that you’re out of control. Don’t drink anything given to you by someone you don’t know.
7. Stay hydrated. Alcohol and sun are a bad mix that can result in dehydration and sun poisoning. Use sunscreen and drink plenty of water to keep yourself hydrated. (No, beer doesn’t count for hydrating.)
8. Be firm and clear about boundaries. Stay out of situations where your intentions about sex can be misunderstood.
9. Don’t have unprotected sex or do anything sexual that is against your own moral principles. When you get home, you’ll still be with the you that was there.
10. Don’t carry all your money. Keep your return ticket and some cash in the hotel safe so you are certain you can get home.

And, yes, have fun. Just use the good sense you were born with while you do it and you’ll go home with a nice tan and no regrets.

Schizophrenia affects up to one in a hundred people at some point and can cause hallucinations, delusions, and loss of energy and motivation. Creative psychological interventions such as art therapy are widely used in combination with drugs. But the effectiveness of art therapy is unclear.

Professor Mike Crawford of Imperial College London, UK, and his team examined the benefits of group art therapy among 417 adults with a diagnosis of schizophrenia. The patients received group art therapy or non-art group activities each week for a year, or standard care.

The art therapy involved a range of art materials which the patients were encouraged to use “to express themselves freely.” Non-art group activities included board games, watching and discussing DVDs, and visiting local cafes.

This study differs from previous trials of art therapy by focusing on clinically important differences in outcomes. It also provides detailed information about attendance rates, and offers art therapy of a duration that is more like that in real-life clinical practice.

When patients were assessed after two years, overall functioning, social functioning, and mental health symptoms were similar between the groups. Levels of social functioning and satisfaction with care were also similar.

Patients offered a place in an art therapy group were more likely to attend sessions than those offered a place in an activity group. However, the levels of attendance at both types of group was low, with 39 percent of those referred to art therapy and 48 percent of those referred to activity groups not attending any sessions.

Writing in the British Medical Journal, the researchers state, “While we cannot rule out the possibility that group art therapy benefits a minority of people who are highly motivated to use this treatment, we did not find evidence that it leads to improved patient outcomes when offered to most people with schizophrenia.”

They conclude that art therapy, as delivered in this trial, “did not improve global functioning, mental health, or other health related outcomes.” They point out that “[T]hese findings challenge current national treatment guidelines that clinicians should consider referring all people with schizophrenia for arts therapies.” The authors suggest that art therapy should not be offered on a broad basis to all patients, but targeted at those most likely to make use of it, based on an assessment of the patient’s interest and motivation to attend sessions.

Currently, the UK’s National Institute for Health and Clinical Excellence recommends that doctors “consider offering arts therapies to all people with schizophrenia, particularly for the alleviation of negative symptoms.” This should be provided by a registered therapist who has experience working with people with schizophrenia.

The guidelines describe arts therapies as “complex interventions that combine psychotherapeutic techniques with activities aimed at promoting creative expression. The aesthetic form is used to ‘contain’ and give meaning to the service user’s experience, and the artistic medium is used as a bridge to verbal dialogue and insight-based psychological development.

“The aim is to enable the patient to experience him/herself differently and develop new ways of relating to others,” the guidelines add.

Professor Crawford and his team think that the lack of clinical improvement in their trial may be due to “the high degree to which people with established schizophrenia are impaired in their clinical and social functioning.” They explain that these impairments are known to increase over time, and the participants had been diagnosed for around 17 years.

It may be that to benefit from group art therapy, “patients need a greater capacity for reflective and flexible thinking,” so targeting interventions at an earlier stage of the illness may be more effective.

Commenting on the study, Dr. Tim Kendall of the UK’s National Collaborating Centre for Mental Health believes that, while art therapy is unlikely to be of clinical benefit for schizophrenia, it “still has great potential for success in the treatment of negative symptoms.”

In an online response to the study, psychiatric hospital art therapist Betsy A. Shapiro, of Alvarado Parkway Institute, La Mesa, California, says the once-weekly nature of the art therapy sessions in the study is a potential problem.

She writes, “I work with patients with schizophrenia and see them 3-5 times a week. Patients not only enjoy group art therapy, they excel in it. Working with a variety of materials keeps them focused, encourages their creativity and appears to increase self-esteem.”

She adds that patients can “show their auditory or visual hallucinations, and express feelings which are difficult for them to do verbally. It provides for safe release of strong emotions such as rage and has prevented them from hurting themselves, others or property.”

Overall, she concludes, “It would be a great disservice to patients if this study influenced a cut-back in art therapy services.”

References

http://www.bmj.com/content/344/bmj.e846

Group art therapy as an adjunctive treatment for people with schizophrenia: multi-centre pragmatic randomised trial. Crawford, M. J. et al. The British Medical Journal February 29, 2012 doi: 10.1136/bmj.e846

Shame involves an internalized feeling of being exposed and humiliated. Shame is different from guilt. Shame is a feeling of badness about the self. Guilt is about behavior — a feeling of “conscience” from having done something wrong or against one’s values.

Shame underlies self-destructive behaviors:

• Hidden shame often drives self-destructive behaviors and other psychological symptoms such as rage, avoidance, or addictions.
• Self-destructive behaviors often are an attempt to regulate overpowering, painful feelings but lead to more shame, propelling the self-destructive cycle.
• Secrecy, silence, and out-of-control behaviors fuel shame.
• Shame makes people want to hide and disappear, reinforcing shame.
• Shame is created in children through scolding, judging, criticizing, abandonment, sexual and physical abuse.

Breaking the Cycle of Shame

Breaking self-destructive habits requires action, not just willpower:

• Changing destructive behaviors requires trying out new, affirming behaviors to replace them.
• New behaviors that generate positive feedback and reward create new connections in the brain, creating the momentum for ongoing growth and change. (Learning on a neurobehavioral level)

Shame can be relieved and healed by:

• taking healthy risks to be seen and known authentically, acting from a positive motive and trying out new behaviors in a safe (nonjudgmental) setting.
• taking actions that generate pride — the antidote to shame.
• breaking secrecy with people who understand.

You think you are being verbally abused by your partner. In fact, you suspect that you are in an impossible situation, living with a partner who doesn’t honor you, wants to change you, or at least wants always to be in charge at your expense.

It’s hard to admit it. It’s terrible to give up the image you once had of your guy as a loving, strong, smart and caring mate. But it’s been a long time since you saw him that way. Instead, you find yourself always braced for the next verbal assault; the next incident where you are found lacking in some way or to blame for things being the way they are. You feel ashamed and sad and angry but stuck. It’s hard to believe it. You don’t understand what happened. You even sometimes think it is all your fault.

Why do women stay with men who put them down? The reasons are varied and complicated.

It’s not uncommon for partners to be completely taken by surprise. Often, people who abuse do nothing of the sort while dating. If the person in pursuit makes any negative comment, it is quickly explained away. There are apologies and promises. He may even cry. Once married, the situation turns. Now that he has her, he doesn’t feel the need to keep himself in check. Afraid that she will in any way have the upper hand in any discussion, he begins a campaign to keep her off balance. The wife is mystified. She wonders what she did wrong. Where did the fun guy she married go? He tells her it’s all her fault. If he is artful about it, she wonders if he is right and works overtime to fix it – not understanding that he doesn’t have any intention of fixing it.

Other women think they can see the insecurity inside the person who is always asserting control. She tries to help him. She agrees with him that life has been unfair to him. She sides with him against the world, not understanding that in his eyes the world includes her. When he turns on her, she tries to be understanding and to explain the situation to him. Once in a while, he even accepts her help, which gives her the false impression that things are changing. What she doesn’t understand is that his insecurity is bigger than his love for her. It is bigger than rational thought. It is bigger than his desire to have a mutual, equal partnership.

Still other partners think the problem is one of communication. Couples therapists and counselors will tell you that the most frequent presenting problem is “we can’t communicate.” Often enough, what that means is that one of the partners doesn’t really want to communicate if communication means sharing decision-making and power. From his point of view, she stubbornly won’t understand when he is being perfectly clear that he’s the one in charge. She is sure that the therapist will help him recognize that he needs to hear another point of view. After all, he is a rational person, right? She thinks he wants the relationship to succeed as much as she does. She doesn’t get it that a need for control isn’t rational and, yes, he wants the relationship to succeed, but only on his terms.

Other women are too scared, insecure, embarrassed, or dependent to leave. Her confidence is shot. Over time, she’s been worn down and worn out. She may have given up trying to have friends since he always objects to her spending any time with them. She may have lost any say about the finances, even if she is making the bulk of the money. She is so convinced of her own powerlessness, she doesn’t think she can make it on her own or that she can find a better match. Feeling unlovable, worthless and helpless, she sinks into a low-grade, or not so low-grade, depression that keeps her stuck.

What to Do if You Are Being Verbally Abused

After soul-searching, you admit it. You are in a relationship that is making you feel bad about yourself. You don’t want to give up on it but you also can’t stand the idea of spending the rest of your life fearing that you’ll be torn down whenever you begin to feel good about yourself or whenever your opinion differs from that of your spouse. You know it isn’t good for you. Just as important, you know that it isn’t good for your kids to grow up believing this is the way people who love each other treat each other.

7 Reasonable Responses to Unreasonable Verbal Abuse

1. Give up on the idea of trying to change him. You can’t. There are important but mistaken reasons why he is the way he is. It may be grounded in his own upbringing, his insecurities or in a narcissistic personality disorder. You can’t do his therapeutic work for him. But – if he wants to change himself, there’s hope. Unless he has a history of being violent, you could ask him to get into some therapy before your relationship is beyond retrieval.
2. Never match his verbal abuse with that of your own. It won’t teach him a thing. It will only confirm in his mind that you are the irrational one. Instead, take the high road. Calmly tell him that you are sorry he feels that way about you but that you don’t share his opinion. Tell him that you love him too much to put him down.
3. Set limits. If your partner calls you names, treats you with disrespect and sarcasm, or loses it when you act only like the equal person you are, calmly tell him you expect to be treated the way he would treat someone he values, admires and respects. If he keeps it up, tell him that you will leave the conversation if he doesn’t stop. If he doesn’t stop, calmly leave the room, telling him you are giving him space to think about his behavior; you’ll be back in an hour or so. (Caution: Don’t do this if he is likely to escalate. See No. 7.)
4. People who need to control their partners often try to prevent them from having a life separate from the couple. You can’t leave if you have nowhere to go. Maintain your own support system. Make sure you spend time with your friends and stay in touch with family members you love. Friends can remind you that you are a valuable person when you start to feel like your partner is right that you aren’t.
5. If you think things won’t improve or will only get worse, start a savings account for yourself. Put enough money away that you always feel it is a choice whether or not you stay. Have at least enough for a bus ticket to your family or a friend’s. Better yet, save enough to pay rent for a few months so you never have to feel trapped.
6. Get counseling if you think your relationship is salvageable. If you’ve tried your best but you and your partner haven’t been able to forge a loving, mutually supportive relationship, find a couples therapist to help you. If your partner won’t go because of his pride, stubbornness, or his conviction that you are the only one who needs “fixing,” go yourself. You need the support. Your counselor may be able to help you identify ways to make counseling a little less threatening to your partner so he might join you.
7. If your partner has escalated from verbal to physical violence – leave. There are domestic abuse programs in almost every city in the U.S. Counselors there can help you figure out where to go and what to do. If you are in a rural area of the U.S. or in a country without such help, go online. Make sure you use a computer your partner can’t use. Some people become violent when they see that their partners have tried to reach out for some help. In the U.S., you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. For more information about their services, click on thehotline.org

Verbal abuse takes many forms: from loud rants to quiet comments; from obvious put-downs to not-so-obvious remarks that undermine the partner. What all the methods have in common is the need to control, to be superior, to avoid taking personal responsibility, and to mask or deny failures.

The myth in Hank’s and Mary’s relationship is that he is much, much smarter than she is. She does admire him, but not as much as he admires himself. He trumps anything she says with a stronger, maybe louder opinion. He calls her ideas naïve or ill-informed or even idiotic. Mary thinks he may be right. Since marrying Hank 3 years ago, her self-confidence has plummeted.

Jake, on the other hand, hides his need for control in his relationship with Marilyn under sarcasm, jokes and puns. “Why,” he says, “doesn’t Marilyn understand I’m just joking?” Why? Because she is the object of those sarcastic remarks, “jokes” and puns. He both publicly and privately keeps her off-balance by joking about her insights, her goals, and the things she cares most about. She has come to question her judgment about her ideas and about him. Lots of people think he’s funny. Maybe, she thinks, he doesn’t mean it. Maybe, she tells herself, she needs to have a better sense of humor.

Frank can’t stand to be seen as responsible for any failure. When he makes a mistake, his mantra is “I may be wrong but you are wrong-er.” If his wife says he has hurt her feelings, he claims not to remember having said what he said or having done what he did. He tells her she is “too sensitive.” He whines about being a scapegoat for other people’s problems. He doesn’t seem to get that he is the perpetrator, not the victim.

Al isn’t subtle. His wife and kids never know what to expect when he comes home. Will loving, caring Al be at the door with treats for the kids and something nice for his wife? Or will the Al who flies into rages, who threatens them with physical abuse and swears and calls them names show up? The whole household walks on eggshells. Even when loving-Al is around, things can change in an instant if he is the least bit frustrated. Last week when his 5-year-old spilled milk at the dinner table, he yelled at her for an hour. When his wife tried to intervene, he backhanded her. Everyone got real quiet. Then – the storm blew over and Al left for the rest of the evening.

If you recognize yourself in any of the above scenarios, you are being verbally abused. Make no mistake: Although verbal abuse doesn’t leave visible scars, it does do damage. The victims’ self-esteem is eroded. Children who watch one parent being put down and diminished by the other develop a skewed and sad view of how relationships are supposed to be.

6 Signs You Are Being Verbally Abused

1. Like Mary, you feel you just can’t win. No matter how carefully or kindly you try to work out a problem, your partner says things that make you feel like you’re in the wrong.
2. Your self-esteem and self-confidence are shot. Your partner isn’t your greatest fan but your greatest critic. He often tells you that his comments are “for your own good.”
3. When you say he has hurt your feelings your partner, like Frank in the scene above, tells you that you are too sensitive. When you point out that he has said something inappropriate or hurtful, he accuses you of trying to make him look bad. You notice that he rarely takes responsibility for his part of a problem. Somehow he manages to convince himself and even you that anything that goes wrong is your fault.
4. You often are the brunt of jokes that make you feel bad. The guy who is fun and fun-loving outside the family unleashes a more vicious or undermining humor inside. Other people don’t believe you that the guy they know is so different from what you experience. Like Marilyn, you find yourself constantly questioning yourself.
5. You have to walk on eggshells at home. Your home isn’t a sanctuary for you and your kids. It is the place where you are most afraid and embarrassed. You and the kids stay away as much as you can. When you are there with your partner, you all do everything you can to make sure nothing happens that could set him off.
6. If you’re not very careful, the verbal abuse escalates to physical altercations. Even if you are very careful, what starts with words can end up with physical aggression toward you or destroying things, especially things you value.

Whoever made up that rhyme about “sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me” was just plain wrong! Words do hurt. They can break a person on the inside just as surely as a whack with a stick bruises the outside. People who are subjected to verbal abuse suffer. People who are subjected to it over time can get so used to it that they lose their sense of themselves as people worth loving. If you see yourself in any of these stories, know you are not alone. There are things you can do. Part II of this article will discuss them.

• You’re alone. I can recall Valentine’s Days I wished I were in love with someone who loved me. Worse were Valentine’s Days when I missed an ex or spent time thinking about someone who wasn’t in love with me. Looking back, what was sad was that I made myself unhappy and ruined one, if not more, days thinking “if only.”
• You’re in a new relationship.Another Valentine’s trap happens when you’re newly in love. It may be the first Valentine’s Day of your relationship, and you wonder whether your partner will surprise you with something special. Will he or she ignore the day or hopefully say the unmentionable, four-letter L-word?You’re stressed about whether your card should be funny or mushy. Fear of humiliation and abandonment restrain you from being vulnerable. You don’t want your feelings rejected or to scare off your partner. Guys, you could be afraid of hurting your girl’s feelings by not doing or saying enough. Or you could be afraid to do or say too much, which might be misinterpreted as a commitment for which you’re unprepared.
• You’re in a fight.One of the worst feelings on Valentine’s Day is to be fighting with your partner. Any other day wouldn’t be as painful. On Valentine’s Day, though, your worst fears and disappointments about your partner and the relationship are highlighted. In addition to being hurt or angry about the argument, you compare how you feel to how you imagine the day should be and how you want to feel.You don’t have to be fighting to be on eggshells all day and disappointed because your partner is an addict, ignoring you, or is looking for a fight to avoid admitting he didn’t plan anything or doesn’t want to go out. You can easily spend the entire day looking and waiting for cues, wondering whether you will spend the evening together. It’s hard to generate loving feelings seeing your wife neglecting the children or drunk all day.
• You’re in a dull or dead relationship.Many couples in long relationships have lost the spark of love. Valentine’s Day may be a cruel reminder or an opportunity to rekindle it. When romance fades, it can be replaced with love based on deep caring and shared life experience. You might decide not to do anything special. Yet you can still acknowledge your love for each other – even if it’s not romantic love, it’s deep and abiding.Some relationships have died. Intimacy’s gone, but the couple can’t let go, whether due to age, children, health, or finances. Usually, despite those reasons, there’s a deep attachment. Often one person imagines he or she is staying for the other and is in denial of his or her own attachment needs and fears about leaving.
• You’re in a loving relationship.You’re among the fortunate few if you’re in a long, loving relationship. Valentine’s Day may still present problems, especially for husbands who don’t want to disappoint their wives. You can get caught in the dilemma of not being able to decide whether to surprise your wife or ask her what she’d like. It’s okay to ask. Some people would rather know, but beware of a common trap: When your significant other replies, “it doesn’t really matter, I’m just happy with all you do. Don’t get me anything.” In this case, you should get him or her something special. Failure to act can be dangerous.Wives, too, can get caught up in waiting and wondering, and not wanting to upset plans their husbands may have made.

Six Tips

1. Stay in the present reality. Take the label off, and just enjoy the day. Don’t look up an ex or waste time fantasizing about someone with whom you’re not involved. Don’t think about your relationship’s future or troubles or replay past disappointing holidays.
2. Take responsibility for your feelings. If you’re experiencing painful emotions, honor them – for a half-hour. Then plan a great day. Remember it takes two to have an argument. Take responsibility for your contribution and your feelings. Own them, apologize if necessary, and make a fresh start with your partner. You’re the one who suffers if you don’t. Waiting for an apology feeds your resentment.
3. Let go of expectations. They plant the seeds of disappointment and resentment. Instead, be open to what your partner and the universe have in store for you.
4. Focus on giving love. Remember the love you feel is the love you give. Even if you’re in a relationship, write yourself a love letter about your wonderful traits and acts of courage. Tell yourself you love you. Read it aloud in the mirror. This may sound foolish, but it works and boosts your self-esteem! You can also focus on the positive traits of your partner. Imagine opening your heart and sending him or her love. If that’s difficult, recall a time when you shared love, and then bring that memory fully into the present.
5. Be creative. It shows an investment of time, love, and thought when you create something special. You can create a treasure hunt for your partner to find a gift or card. Instead of roses, sprinkle the bed with flower petals. Give a sensuous candlelit foot rub, massage, or body wash. Write your favorite, shared memories with colored pens. Make a collage of your dream home, family, or past or future adventures together designed with leaves, dried flowers, photographs, or magazine clippings.
6. Whatever you do, be real. Authenticity is romantic. Your true feelings are apparent anyway, and hiding them creates more problems. That doesn’t mean you have to spill your guts, but in a dicey situation, choose words that are true for you.

During midlife typically we are burdened by taking care of children and parents. We are faced with loss — loss of youth, previous roles and opportunities. Midlife transition often is associated with a shift in our sense of time, leading us to reflect on our lives so far, decisions we’ve made, and the future. Midlife transition does not have to involve calamity, but for some people it turns into a crisis.

Midlife crises can occur in both men and women, but take a particular form in men facing identity crises, often spilling into family life. Men in midlife crises feel hopelessly trapped in an identity or lifestyle they experience as constraining, fueled by an acute awareness of time passing. Finding themselves in a life that feels empty and inauthentic, they feel pressure to break out, and may desperately grasp at a chance for vitality and pleasure.

David, 47, a family man and do-gooder, felt lonely and trapped in his marriage. He always followed the “right” path, accommodated others, and made life decisions based on his sense of what was expected. David had a strong sense of loyalty and responsibility, and seemed an unlikely candidate for an affair. When a female colleague at work befriended him, David felt flattered. In his unhappiness, he fantasized and was drawn to her, but never considered cheating. But while away on business, David indulged temptation. Acting on his impulses, he unwittingly became swept into a full-blown affair.

David had unconsciously followed a prefabricated, externally driven trajectory formed by others’ expectations – part of what set him up for rebellion and crisis at midlife. Men with similar profiles make automatic life decisions, without inner reflection or a “felt” sense. They swallow parental or societal values whole, without question, later feeling oppressed, deprived, and resentful. These and other risk factors – including limited self-awareness, difficulty talking openly, and feeling unloved or unsupported in their marriages – create breeding grounds for crises driven by the need to escape.

An essential developmental issue for men in midlife is sorting out who they are separate from societal and family expectations. This task also is common to adolescence (Levinson, D., 1978). In adolescence, modulated risk-taking and contained rebellion against parents’ values can facilitate healthy differentiation and development of an autonomous sense of self. When parents set protective limits on opportunities for dangerous behavior, while allowing teens their voice and room to make their own choices (for example: clothing, hobbies), teens are helped to discover and “own” what’s right for them.

With men at midlife, a similar balance between restraint/limits and exploration is needed as issues of freedom, autonomy, and self-definition from adolescence are reworked. Mastery and opportunity come from self-exploration, not outward rebellion. The key is recognizing that the protest is an internal conflict over constraints and self-perceptions internalized in the past, creating an internal divide.

Natural midlife development in men naturally elicits awareness of previously unexpressed needs and parts of the self (Levinson, D., 1978) which may be felt as an ambiguous sense of something wrong or missing. In men whose histories may not have supported the development of their identity, such internal cues may be misinterpreted as a sign of a fatal flaw in their lives, leading to the impulse to flee.

But signals from within of something unrequited can provide positive impetus for self-examination and psychological and interpersonal growth. Healthy resolution occurs when self-examination leads to an achievable vision of change anchored to the context of our lives. Gary, a man struggling with midlife issues, worked to understand the emptiness he felt. Ultimately, he transformed loss into fulfillment by embracing the role of mentoring others, coming into his own, rather than giving in to longings for youth and the wish to go back.

Midlife crises can lead to growth or destruction. When it seems there’s no way out, creating a crisis, an unconscious process forces change. Experiencing the reality that we can lose our spouse is a powerful antidote to complacency. This jolt can trump fear of conflict and change, mobilizing couples to face destructive patterns and rebuild stronger relationships.

But prevention is better. Couples can work together using protective guidelines to contain midlife challenges and crises.

Tips for Men

• Mourn losses, but limit time spent in fantasy, regret and longing for what cannot be recaptured.
• Examine past decisions without judgment to understand what factors in you, possibly still at play, drove those decisions.
• Brainstorm about what you want now in your marriage, work, leisure.
• Realistically assess what’s possible now and what opportunities are gone.
• Imagine how it would feel day-to-day if you lost your wife and family.
• Realistically assess your need for security vs. excitement.
• Identify and write down things in your life for which you’re grateful.
• Include your wife and others in conversations about this.

Tips for Spouse

• Recognize biases in how you view your husband and ways these perceptions might constrain him.
• Be open to seeing him differently – as his friends or others do – and letting him change.
• Notice him – what makes him happy and unhappy?
• Share excitement over his successes.
• Show interest in what he likes.
• Find out how he’s feeling in the marriage, whether he’s lonely.
• Be open to change.

References

Levinson, Daniel J. (1978). Seasons of a Man’s Life. New York: Random House, Inc.

The Joy of Growing Old. (December, 2010). Retrieved January 22, 2013 from www.theeconomist.com

It’s the most destructive idea about love in American culture. It may make for a good line in a movie. But the notion makes for very unstable relationships. It doesn’t work for either party.

When someone wants and needs their sweetheart to fill in the missing pieces in themselves, they are setting themselves up for emotional disaster. Being needy erodes one’s self-respect. Being seen as charmingly childish may work for a while, but at some point it will get old to find all your ideas and opinions being dismissed.

Wanting others to fill in our “blanks” is a delightful fantasy. Wouldn’t we all like someone else to do the hard work necessary for helping us grow up? But growing up by definition requires effort. Being a grownup is what is required for finding grownup love.

The need for superiority is equally corrosive to relationships. Those who look for a needy person in order to feel “needed” ultimately end up disappointed. Trading equality for control gives you all the responsibility in the relationship. A playmate is fun when life is all play. But when things get difficult — and life has a way always of making things difficult now and then — you’ll come to resent the person who has always looked to you to be the strong one. Such people can’t take a turn at carrying responsibilities and think it’s unfair if you ask them to do so.

Think of the workings of a fine road bike. Both wheels need to be balanced and aligned. When one wheel has a significant problem, or if one is overinflated, you’re in for a bumpy ride.

A relationship can work over the long term only if it is a partnership between two mature, complete adults who complement each other; who admire each other’s strengths and who respect themselves and each other. If you’ve been looking for the romance promised in chick flicks, where one person completes the other – stop. You may find a fling, but you won’t find a partner. It’s time to take a look at whether you are self-ish enough to be in a relationship for keeps.

Selfishness doesn’t have to mean self-centered, narcissistic, and getting yours at others’ expense. Instead, self-ishness can mean loving yourself enough to do the work to be a complete adult. When a person is self-ish in the positive sense, their self-esteem is high, they function well in the social world, they manage their responsibilities and they are sufficiently emotionally stable to be a loving and generous partner. Such people don’t need to be one-up or one-down to make a life with another. They are not threatened by another’s competence nor do they need someone to take care of them. They know that the basis of a healthy relationship is equality and respect.

A Time to Reevaluate

If you are unhappily single on Valentine’s Day or if you are in a relationship that isn’t working, it’s a good time to do some honest reflection. Like New Year’s, Valentine’s Day can be a time to take stock and to resolve to fix some things that could stand fixing. Neither looking for a missing piece nor looking for control by filling in someone else’s empty places will give you the steady, lasting love you want. Taking steps to be more self-ish will.

How to be self-ish enough to find a lasting romance:

• Remind yourself that you are lovable. If you don’t think you are worthy of love, no one else will. If you think you can only be loved by people who need you or by being needed, give it up. Focus on developing yourself. Start your day with a few quiet minutes to remind yourself of your best qualities. Write them down. Decide to put at least some of those qualities out there for the world to see every day.
• Respect yourself enough to expect others to treat you with respect. If someone is disrespectful, calmly remind them that you expect to be spoken to respectfully, even when you may be wrong, even if you are in disagreement. Of course, that means being equally respectful of other people when they are wrong or in disagreement.
• Work on any feelings of insecurity you may have. If you think the only people who will love you are those who are grateful to you; if you need to be in control in order to be secure; you have work to do. Instead of rescuing yet another person as an avenue to “love,” love yourself enough to focus on developing your sense of self-worth.
• Love yourself enough to take care of yourself and to present yourself well. That means get enough sleep, eat sensibly, and get some exercise. Being attractive doesn’t take $40 fingernails, a $200 haircut or $500 shoes. Attractiveness that lasts beyond a first impression takes being healthy and put together.
• Do your personal emotional work. If you have been told you are “too needy” or “too controlling,” take it seriously. Think about whether the comment was justified. Of course, sometimes people say such things in anger. But sometimes they are onto something — or part of something. If you don’t feel like you can be an equal partner with a person you see as your equal, you might want to consider some therapy to help you sort out why and what you can do about it.

Finding a soulmate is just that — finding a mate, a person who walks beside you. That person is not a person who needs you to fix them, nor is it someone who is invested in being the one to do the fixing. If you are looking for romantic love that lasts, be self-ish enough to expect and give love in equal measure.

Happy Valentine’s Day.