It was a pleasure to read some recent newspaper articles describing the large number of teens involved in charity work, especially the many “Walk for….” events. With the growth of gender equality in athletic funding, more teens than ever are involved in sports. Drug use in most areas has been down although alcohol use is up. Unfortunately, cigarette smoking, primarily among adolescent girls, is also up.

The vast majority of teens go to school every day, do a reasonable amount of their work, socialize with friends a lot (especially on the phone), and actually talk to their parents. There are always the music fads and clothing fads, frequently greeted with disapproval by parents. But parents of today’s teenagers are a special lot themselves, for most are products of the 1960s and have vivid memories of their own abuse of sex, drugs, and rock ‘n’ roll. For some parents, this enables them to be more understanding of their kids, especially a generation that is less rebellious than their own. Other parents, however, are ashamed of what they did, don’t want to talk about it, and crack down on their own teens out of fear.

The biggest problems for the current generation of adolescents is the breakdown of family structure. The dominance of absent parents, through divorce and dual incomes, makes communication more difficult. Teens don’t have conversation on demand. To gain insight into your 15-year-old’s thinking, you need to be around each other enough that you catch them at a moment when they want to talk. That’s become extremely difficult when parents are hardly around. Thus, one of the parenting challenges is to find opportunities for one-on-one time, even if it’s just doing some errands together or driving a child to an activity. While carpools are sometimes essential to survival and bringing another child along may be necessary, try as often as possible to make it just one parent/one teen. It’s those moments when something personal may actually come up.

A major concern is the amount of unsupervised time teens have due to not having a parent at home in the afternoons. It is important to have some agreement for touching base during the afternoons. Usually this is a telephone conversation. While some teens will resist what they interpret as distrust — “Why do you have to check up on me?” — most will appreciate the underlying care and protection of parental limits regardless of their complaints. It is also helpful if there are friends or neighbors around who can be a checkpoint for your teen. Ideally, many teens are involved in some structured activity at least a few afternoons a week or may work part-time.

Probably the biggest challenge for parents is trying to create a new mix in their relationships with teenage children. You need to be less authoritarian, creating a blend of parent, guide, and friend. Rules need to be open to more negotiation, yet parents must still set the outer limits firmly. I often use the analogy of moving back the fences of the corral so the young horses have enough room to run without feeling the need to jump the fence. It means both parties need to understand each other better. Don’t expect your teenager to open up to you if it’s not reciprocated. Not stories about how hard you worked at their age, but stories of your own struggles to navigate adolescence and some of the mistakes you made and still turned out okay. It also includes sharing some of your struggles in today’s world. Too often we try to protect our children from the challenges of daily life. The result is not only a distorted view of what they should expect as adults, but also a one-sided demand for openness. Share just enough that you are a real person to them as much as you want them to be a real person to you.

Of course, for some, adolescence is a painful, even dangerous, time. Depression, drug addiction, teenage pregnancies, school failure, and acting out against others occurs in many families. In these situations special help should be sought to assist in trying to solve the problems. But, for today, I just thought teens deserved some positive press. The vast majority have adapted well, despite parental fears, and credit goes to parents, schools, community organizations, and the kids themselves.

As I cried, I wanted to believe it was the alcohol that induced Mom’s words.  I had to believe it was the alcohol.  I don’t want them.  The words rang in my ears.  That’s the night my heart first broke.

White Elephants is the story of Chynna Laird’s childhood with an alcoholic, bipolar mother.  Not for the faint of heart, this memoir is a gripping tale that Laird colorfully paints for those unfamiliar with what it is like to grow up in this situation.

This review’s opening paragraph comes from a story in the first chapter. Laird overhears a phone call between her grandmother and her mother.  Her mom is drunk and on one of her many “vacations” and Laird’s grandparents are taking care of Laird and her brother, Cam.  Five-year-old Tami (the name Laird went by for most of her life) hears her mother say on the phone, “I don’t want them.”  This scene sets the stage for the drama that plays through the rest of the book.

No one seemed to understand the manic behavior and profound depression of Tami’s mother, Janet. Janet’s siblings and parents were constantly at their wit’s end. Laird describes several points when her mother was clearly actively suicidal.

Living in a chaotic home filled with binge drinking, verbal and physical abuse will leave its mark on a child.  Tami was molested and raped in her own home.  She and her brother started drinking at a young age and were both involved in drugs at various points.  They both struggled with anger.  Cam raged on the exterior, punching walls and sometimes turning on their mother, whereas Tami unleashed her anger on herself.  She was known among other high school students for crying when she was drunk. By the age of 15, she had begun cutting and even attempted suicide one night.  As she grew older, Tami struggled with her self-esteem and developed bulimia.

In hindsight, Laird is able to recognize the “angels” who played a role in her life.  She and Cam were close to their grandparents, who practically raised them. They were the only real parents that Tami had ever known and their influence was prevalent through most of her life. 

Her stepfather, Pat, rescued her many times from herself and from her mother.  At 15, Tami was drunk at a party and had to call Pat to pick her up.  When they got home, he hugged her and told her he was not going to ask what happened.  “I just wanted you to know I’m glad you’re both home safe…You’re better than this, Tam.  You’re better than she is.” 

However, when Tami finally realized that she needed help, she turned to her godmother, “Auntie Lois.”  Tami moved in with Lois and her family and began a daily ritual of having tea with her aunt.  Over tea, Lois would patiently listen while Tami spoke about the trauma, the alcohol, and all of the other dark secrets that she had been carrying for so long.  This was the turning point for Tami:

In that moment, as I felt Auntie Lois hug me – a person who really believed me, a person so close to God she could be considered an angel – the flood gates opened and I cried.  I cried for the little girl I never was.  I cried for all the times I hurt but couldn’t react.  I cried for not having a mother who loved me the way she wanted to.

White Elephants touched me much more than I expected.  Laird says that she wrote the book in hopes that it would help someone who has been in a similar situation.  Because she could not help her mom, she hopes that someone can find some help in her story.  Although I have not been through the trials that she has, her strength and determination to not allow her mother’s abuse to determine her future is admirable and inspiring.  The moment I began reading her book I could not put it down.  Moreover, after finishing it 24 hours after I started it, I was ready to read it again.  There are not enough adjectives to adequately describe White Elephants: inspiring, tragic, heroic, admirable, honest, and deeply moving.  There were points when I found myself crying along with Tami and others when I was cheering for her on the sidelines during her recovery.

I think that Laird accomplished her goal through her story.  Not everyone will be able to relate to the events, but I believe most people will be able to relate to the struggle of pulling yourself out of depression and finding your own feet to stand on.  In this way, Laird has most assuredly accomplished her goal for this beautiful book.

White Elephants – A Memoir
By Chynna T. Laird
Eagle Wings Press: February 1, 2011
Paperback, 280 pages
$14

When Jason finally saw that he was actually hurting his son, he became motivated to improve their relationship and end this destructive cycle. He decided that when his son behaved this way toward him, he would make things better by ignoring how Dylan was acting, be nice and pretend everything was okay. However, even this seemed to backfire, making Dylan pull away more.

In therapy, Jason said one of Dylan’s complaints was that his dad was always too busy working and that he seemed to care more about “things” than about his son. When Dylan was excited and wanted his dad to watch him do an athletic trick in the house, Jason often was preoccupied with getting him to be cautious and warning him not to break anything. Jason failed to notice that Dylan wanted him to join him in his excitement and be proud of him.

In talking about the problem with his son, Jason remembered a grudge against his own dad: Jason’s father had not paid attention to him or talked with him, and failed to connect or show affection. As he talked about this, Jason spontaneously remembered that he too as a child gave his dad the silent treatment. He would keep it going as long as he could, hoping his dad would feel something and preparing what he would say when his dad would ask him what was wrong. But he never did.

As Jason thought about this, it suddenly occurred to him why ignoring Dylan made things escalate. He realized that maybe his son wasn’t just trying to punish him, though it felt that way, as it had when Jason’s dad had ignored him. Dylan needed Jason to feel something and show that he cared. Jason had needed the same from his dad. Dylan’s behavior was a desperate effort to communicate something that wasn’t getting through otherwise. By trying to make his dad feel rejected, Dylan wanted him to understand how Jason made him feel. Dylan hoped his dad would “get it” and respond by coming back to him.

Jason was uncomfortable being identified with his dad, and quickly pointed out that he spent more time with Dylan than his father did with him. Still, he saw that Dylan seemed to share some of the same feelings that Jason had toward his dad. Further, Jason could see that, similar to his own father, he too was unable to recognize and effectively respond to his son’s feelings, and easily retreated emotionally or became reactive.

Even when Jason recognized that he was reenacting what his dad did to him and hurting his son, he was at a loss for how to understand or respond in a helpful way when Dylan was upset. He never learned how to read and respond to his son’s feelings. Because of his own parents’ psychological limitations, the emotional capacities which form the basis of these skills were never developed during Jason’s childhood.

Empathic ability, or “mind reading,” is an aspect of brain development that occurs as parents are able to read their children’s reactions and respond emotionally in a way that helps kids regulate their emotional states. This process also involves the parent helping the child understand what is happening interpersonally and emotionally. The child digests and internalizes such experiences, building the capacity to make sense of themselves and relationships, and to manage emotions in interpersonal situations.

Rosenthal shares her battle with Stevens-Johnson Syndrome (SJS), leading us from her diagnosis at age 13 through 24 subsequent years of psychological repercussions. Rosenthal recounts the story of how she fought for years to overcome her PTSD, and managed to slowly climb her way out of a serious case of depression and anxiety, experiencing a rebirth along the way. Ultimately this results in a remarkable tale of personal strength and post-traumatic growth.

The book is divided into four sections: ‘Shock;’ ‘Confusion;’ ‘Clarity;’ and ‘Healing,’ with each of these representing a different stage in Rosenthal’s journey. The first, ‘Shock,’ describes Rosenthal’s life ‘before the world intruded’ – the innocent childhood cut short by the onset of her terrible illness. ‘Confusion’ and ‘Clarity’ cover her emotional journey in coming to terms with this trauma, and ‘Healing’ describes her eventual recovery and return to happiness.

Not only is Johnson one of the 0.5 people per million to suffer from SJS, but in her case it also develops into its most extreme, life-threatening form, Toxic Epidermal Necrolysis Syndrome (TENS).The symptoms of this are a form of blistering so serious that Rosenthal has to be treated in a hospital burn unit. She recounts the condition’s sudden onset with such excruciating accuracy and vivid attention to detail that you may find yourself wincing as you read about the unbelievable pain she had to endure. Rosenthal recalls meeting the hospital psychiatrist, and being unable to put her experience into words at the time:

I did not tell her how drastically I felt changed. I did not say out loud that I was trying to suppress the memory of a pain so intense it defied words. I could not explain that I was struggling not to be overwhelmed by a staggering number of new fears and feelings, nor even the latest fear: that I had survived the physical onslaught only to be outdone by the emotions in its wake.

Indeed, it is these subsequent emotions which later cause Rosenthal to become disconnected from the rest of the world. She survives a near-death experience, and then sinks into a state of deep depression, anxiety, insomnia, and eating disorders.

Rosenthal shares the following quote from Dr. David Biro’s memoir One Hundred Days: My Unexpected Journey from Doctor to Patient:

Doctors love a good zebra. Patients with rare, exotic diseases. We crowd around to see them, touch them, photograph them. We put them on display at conferences. We write their stories in journals. We do all this, I suspect, because they reawaken the spirit that first pushed us into medicine: a fascination with the human body, its incredible achievements and its terrifying failings.

It is this idea of an “exciting zebra” for the medical community that Rosenthal most strongly identifies with throughout her struggle. She reluctantly adopts this as her identity, labeling herself as a “medical anomaly, alone, a freak.”

Eventually, 16 years after her initial diagnosis, and following countless fruitless attempts at a cure by her doctors, Rosenthal decides to seek a different kind of help. She arranges to see a psychotherapist, named Greg. It is this work with Greg, and an introduction to transcendental meditation, that signals a change for Rosenthal: She talks about her experiences for the first time and begins to discover her true voice, escaping the fearful clutches of her Ego voice. Remembering her college days, Rosenthal writes that “[W]riting was good for me. It gave me a focus outside my physical discomfort and limitation. It gave me something in which to bury the emotional angst I carried and also a place to explore how and when and why to find language and choose words.”

As her sessions with Greg evolve, Rosenthal recalls that:

I became more of a full self: I defined boundaries, learned how to communicate, and started more consciously mulling the question, ‘What do I want?’… I made a list of twenty-two things I was afraid of. At the top of the list: ‘I am afraid of myself.’ And yet, I wanted more and more to become myself. Writing seemed to be the path to that connection.

She begins to make significant progress, and to feel in control of her life, so Rosenthal terminates the sessions with Greg. But another onset of the illness sparks a relapse into her depressed state, as she is once again forced to resign herself to the role of patient, or ‘zebra.’ It is this relapse which finally triggers the turning point for Rosenthal, as she fully acknowledges the fear she has lived with – and denied – for so long. She decides once and for all to “reclaim myself,” with Greg’s help:

We break through the fear to a point where I begin to imagine for myself a different life than the invalid one I am used to. This happens oh, so slowly, but I hear the machinery grinding in my head. I fantasize I could be her, the girl of such vast energy I glimpsed for just a moment in the hospital. I imagine myself strong and free and vibrant and healthy and able to succeed without enduring the pitfalls of illness. One day, walking along the beach I feel myself as I would like to be: happy, unafraid, able to live without looking back, a strong source of joyful vitality.

Crucially, through her ongoing therapy sessions, and by reading two life-changing books – Joan Didion’s ‘The Year of Magical Thinking’ (a parent’s perspective of a child’s grave illness) and Elizabeth Wurtzel’s ‘More, Now, Again: A Memoir Of Addiction’ – Rosenthal realizes just how important her writing is to her, and how it can offer her a solution to her problems:

Socrates wrote that language is ‘an activity that moves the soul towards definition.’ Words can deliver us from our solitude, or deepen it. They are our most specific form of translating what exists in a heart through the landscape of a mind. I have always used language as a fence, as a guardrail against truth, definition, and exposure. So often my words have cloaked my self in disguises designed to ensure anonymity. Or, the lack of words has kept me separate from even myself. Recently, however, I sense the ability to use language in another way. I begin writing poetry again, starker poems and more to the point, writing more directly than ever about the aftereffects of illness and its consequence on identity… I begin to feel safe… I understand the problem has been that I never acknowledged my past and then came back to the present. Instead, I have lived in the trauma and run away from myself in every moment. It is time to sit still.

This will certainly sound familiar to anyone who has ever studied the concepts of Narrative Therapy, and it is ultimately — through her writing, a discovered love of music and dance, and a new identity – that Rosenthal finally overcomes the trauma of her illness and truly achieves happiness. At the end of the book she states that:

I can describe myself as if TENS never happened: I am a dancer, I am a writer, a creator, a lover, a partner, a daughter, a sister, a friend. I am a dog owner, a Floridian, a beachwalker, a homeowner. I am a joy seeker. I am a believer in my self. I have conquered the past. Now, I am creating my future as a woman who is connected, strong, and free.

Notably, Rosenthal is many things, but she is no longer a ‘zebra’.

Today Rosenthal works as a post-trauma coach, using the wisdom gained from her own experiences to help others, and employing the philosophy that “we can’t always find meaning in our trauma, but we can learn to make meaning come out of it.”

This is an honest, triumphant story of personal courage in the face of adversity, and will undoubtedly help anyone who has ever dealt with the effects of trauma or illness. At one point in the book, Rosenthal states that “Writing seems like the only thing that can save me,” and I am grateful that it has. Rosenthal is a survivor, and hopefully her story will help many other victims of PTSD work toward their own recovery and post-traumatic growth, finding happiness and a new sense of identity along the way.

Before the World Intruded: Conquering the Past and Creating the Future, A Memoir
By Michele Rosenthal
Your Life After Trauma, LLC: April 9, 2012
Paperback, 230 pages
$14.95

Why is it that we don’t act to change patterns, even when we promise to do so and it is obviously in our best interest? A good example of this seemingly illogical phenomenon comes from therapy. We invest time and money in counseling but then, even when we agree with the given recommendations or homework assignments, neglect to follow through.

Often it takes repeated failures for us to figure out that something is awry and more is needed than willpower or good intentions. In many situations, we never even question whether the person we are trying to help is actually on board as a true ally in the work, though this is often the key issue.

Michael’s therapist had been seeing him and his wife in marital therapy. When they met privately, it became clear that he had again failed to follow through on homework that he had agreed would help improve his marriage. This was curious, given his motivation and genuine desire to be closer with his wife. His progress had not been a problem before, particularly because his wife had been very rejecting and critical of him for years. She was the one who needed to change first in order for the marriage to go forward. She had since worked hard to make those changes and was, in fact, sustaining the relationship. But now Michael was causing a stalemate.

Michael explained that he was “forgetting” to do the assignments. Though at first this sounded like an excuse, it actually was not implausible — Michael was somewhat forgetful in general. Further, given his limited experience and lack of comfort with emotional expression and connection, the changes he needed to make were not natural to him and required conscious thought and effort. However, this is true with most change.

In this case, Michael was asked to state aloud to his wife positive feelings about what she was saying, doing, or how she looked. This assignment required him to notice and make explicit his own feelings and feelings about her. Though he could retrospectively report having positive feelings toward her at various times throughout the week, these internal experiences were often not “on his radar screen” or easy to make explicit.

Making a Commitment to Change

Michael was a highly successful entrepreneur and a man of integrity. To have reached such a prominent position in his career, he must have figured out how to remember and follow through on difficult matters. But why couldn’t he do the same in his private life?

Michael had a ready answer to this question, and knowingly described how he did it. The most important part was that he would make a firm commitment, and then later remind himself explicitly by thinking about it and planning the details. Once he did that, success in following through was guaranteed.

Michael’s resistance to change — which took the form of a lack of commitment to his therapy assignments — was surprising, and had been well hidden. He did not seem to be struggling with anger or resentment, the most common reasons for couples’ underlying resistance. Anger and resentment often express themselves as resistance to moving forward through passive-aggressive acting out. Then, disowned anger or resentment spills out unconsciously and symptoms such as “forgetting” occur. However, Michael did not seem to be harboring resentment or acting out. He also seemed fully engaged and motivated in the treatment.

As sessions probed Michael’s failure to commit to therapy and the work required to improve his marriage, he talked about feeling hopeless that his marriage would work out in the end. He feared that it would not and seemed to be preparing himself for the inevitable. Believing that his actions would not have an effect on the marriage was a familiar feeling for Michael. A central dynamic in his relationship with his wife was that he felt invisible, dismissed, and devalued. This dynamic accumulated, leading him to feel defeated and give up (though this was unconscious), despite his wife having made changes.

The Drawing Mind is without question ambitious, perhaps even to a fault. This is because, unlike a typical self-help book, Putnoi does not in any way tell the reader what to do. She provides some very thin guidelines, yes, but never does she launch into a lecture about how to better your life. For how could she? Rarely during the 192 pages is there more than a paragraph on consecutive pages. Rather than intersperse art throughout her text, Putnoi does the opposite, opting almost to let her art dictate her words.

The basis of The Drawing Mind lay in the idea of neuroplasticity. Putnoi addresses this: “Our brains are very plastic, meaning that as we use our brains in different kinds of ways, we can ‘build’ our brains, or ‘grow’ new neural pathways… Current research suggests that the brain is much more ‘plastic’ than earlier imagined. Even late into adulthood one can build new neural pathways by engaging in different kinds of brain-building activities.” The idea here, though certainly grand, is actually quite simple: Even if we do not believe so, we actually can change our brains for the better.

Putnoi continues: “Drawing on a regular basis may change your brain. By following the approach in this book, you will learn how to keep your senses active through drawing a series of sense experiences. You can keep your brain ‘plastic’ or build ‘brain plasticity’ by problem solving with your senses.”

Throughout The Drawing Mind, Putnoi gives exercises and even whole blank pages to allow the reader to work solely within the book. Some sample prompts for exercises include “Draw with Your Feet,” “Collect Textures” and “Drawing to Your Sense of Smell.” All these exercises are designed to force you to use your senses in modes you’d previously not considered. In this way, your brain is forced to adapt on the fly, opening up both new neural pathways and new perspectives. The implicit goal of The Drawing Mind is to get the reader to think differently, to begin to interact with him- or herself differently, and to perceive everything around him- or herself differently.

Furthermore, drawing, as Putnoi writes, does not discriminate: “Drawing is a small but powerful act. One that everyone can do. It’s a pencil, ballpoint pen, or charcoal on paper. It’s a mark in the sand or chalk on the sidewalk. Drawing is a visual language.” Perhaps you had never considered an ephemeral array of lines on the beach to be a drawing. Putnoi, however, wants you to. She wants you to reconsider your perceptions, perspectives and beliefs. In this way, the act of drawing begins to extend outward and reorient you with your world.

If this sounds like something out of an Eastern religion, you’re not far off base for thinking so. Putnoi references a meditation teacher who asks his group to “slow down and become more mindful and aware by slowly eating a raisin and meditating on the act of eating this small, dried-out grape.” ‘What does it feel like and taste like?’ he asks. The same principle is fundamental to Putnoi’s system: “Drawing a taste experience brings awareness to the next level of connection and consciousness. By slowing down, tasting and drawing the experience, you get another layer of connection” (Her emphasis). And in doing so, you begin to see things differently.

On the surface, The Drawing Mind may not seem like a book for everyone. It may seem as though it only appeals to the artsy folk: the population that already enjoys art and wants to use that interest to better their lives. But this is not the case. The fact is, as Putnoi declares, all of us can draw. We may not think so, but we can. “Drawing is not about making straight lines,” Putnoi writes. “The world of drawing is infinite. Drawings, like the people who create them, are individual.”

This is why Putnoi cannot assign self-help guidelines to her book; it wouldn’t make any sense. The bottom line is, we must help ourselves. We have all the tools, and we can be pointed in the right direction, but ultimately, the task is ours. Putnoi’s The Drawing Mind is a new direction, a unique direction, an amazingly fascinating direction, and a direction certainly worth exploring.

The Drawing Mind: Silence Your Inner Critic and Release Your Inner Creative Spirit
By Deborah Putnoi
Trumpeter: April 3, 2012
Paperback, 192 pages
$17.95

Acts of violence have always been a part of human nature and will continue unless we become some sci-fi world with better living through chemistry and genetic manipulation. Sure, there are general reasons the experts will point to, such as alienation; access to guns; too much exposure to violence; a society whose leaders lack values; and families who are disconnected from community.

But the reality is that the great majority of teenagers are growing up in this environment and not killing anyone. That doesn’t mean we should ignore steps to reduce the negative influences on their lives and ours. It does mean that no matter what we do, there will always be tragedies. We simply do not have that much control over another person’s life. That is a frightening reality for most parents to accept.

But this doesn’t mean that parents shouldn’t be doing things that make it more likely that their children would turn out okay. Inside each home there are parents asking if their son or daughter could be in trouble and the parents might not know it. Or, even scarier, there are parents who see their children struggling and feel powerless to help. What do we know that will help?

Well, the research points to the same issue nearly every time: children who have stronger relationships with their parents are less likely to end up in serious trouble. My emphasis on “serious” is because too often parents are upset about issues that are not life-threatening or life-determining. Clean rooms, grades and homework, being disorganized, being impulsive and screwing up, foul language, a few extra holes in an ear, some grungy friends, some broken curfews, or the protective or manipulative “lies” that children use to try to get away with things – all normal adolescent behaviors that do not alone signify a child “going down the tubes.”

Adolescence is a time for many teens to experience disconnection and disorientation, to become confused and uncertain about their values or about their capacity for success. It is a time to be scared about changing bodies and changing friends and experiencing failures when success may have usually come easily. It is a time to defy and distrust authority. It is a time, especially in with the phenomenon of the Internet, when teens’ worlds expand exponentially and it is quite a challenge for them to digest and manage all to which they are exposed.

Parents often respond to this by waging battles for control. While it is essential to have some unequivocal rules that involve health and safety and to seek help from others if there are signs of more serious trouble (e.g., depression, explosive outbursts, eating disorders, substance abuse, marked change in personality), it is particularly important to focus less on content and more on process.

What does this mean? Simply, that nothing is a substitute for maintaining the connection between you and your teenager. Time must be found for one-to-one interactions. Parents must be ready to give their attention when a teenager is suddenly ready to talk. Parents need to spend some time inside the world of their teenager and try to do so without being too judgmental. Do errands and chores together. Find an activity that can be shared. Take a teenage child out to dinner occasionally. A parent whose work involves travel can bring along a teenage child and turn it into a significantly valuable time together. Know each other!

Remember that you most likely did some things wrong along the way. It can be helpful to share that. Why should your child be open with you if there is not some reciprocity? That includes sharing some of your current anxieties or mistakes. We all mess up. We all have our vulnerabilities. We all seek safety and security. In that way, you and your teen have much in common. The key difference is that a teen’s life has few real choices and does not have a valued place in our society. We ask them to be responsible but there is little immediate reinforcement for that except to keep the adults from being angry and disappointed with them. Believe in your child, even when he or she is struggling, or simply not meeting your expectations.

For some parents, there is the harsh reality that, despite doing a good job, their child is having significant problems, and the parents are being shut out while nothing seems to be helping. This is definitely painful and scary. Even with professional help and support from school staff, some child will fall into a “black hole,” influenced by biology, peers, and social forces. This underscores another reality about the tragedies that have been taking place: All the perpetrators have been male.

Our society gives out powerful messages that are absorbed by our children. What girls hear and respond to leads them to turn against themselves, especially in the form of eating disorders (and a skyrocketing rate of smoking). What boys hear and respond to leads them to turn against others, in acts of verbal and physical abuse. In the face of all this, parents are worried, possibly more than ever, about the health and success of their children.

But I must return to my primary message of urging parents to have a more optimistic outlook and to not let their anxiety sabotage what is most important, the relationship each parent has with each child. A friend and colleague, Bob Brooks, often speaks about the resiliency of children and what contributes to it. The research clearly indicates that the presence of a “charismatic adult” is one of the primary predictors of turning out okay.

So often I read the stories of successful adults who grew up under terrible circumstances and there is always reference to a parent, relative, teacher, or coach who believed in them and provided guidance and an available ear when needed. Dr. Brooks often ends his presentations by challenging parents to be that charismatic adult in the lives of their children. It is no guarantee that everything will turn out all right. Nothing can do that. But it does make it much more likely that you will end up with an adult child who is not only doing well but is also your friend.

No wonder this word retirement seems so inappropriate as a description of what I, and many others, am in the process of doing. I will no longer be seeing patients and, at least for the moment, not generating an income. But I am still a psychologist and I am certainly not going into seclusion! No, this is about a transition, one of many that we all go through.

In fact, as I reflected on this new phase of my life, I began to realize that life is actually a constant series of an immense number of transitions. There are some so tiny as to be imperceptible and whose impact kind of sneaks up on you. This can be gradual changes in a relationship, our experiences at work, or changes in our body.

Of course, we often experience obvious, and sometimes traumatic, transitions in any of these aspects of our life. It really is amazing how much change is constantly taking place, which means people are required to be constantly coping with transitions, the desired or chosen ones and the undesired, and, in some cases, inevitable ones, such as those associated with aging or loss.

One of the primary characteristics of childhood is how little control children have over the transitions that they constantly must make. Their bodies seem to change overnight and not just when they are very young. How often do ask our teenager how he could possibly have outgrown his clothes already?

We love to watch our preschoolers go through their stages of sitting, crawling, walking, running…reaching things we thought were safely put beyond their grasp…suddenly able to ride their bike without training wheels, then pushing to ride beyond the boundaries that we feel are safe.

Meanwhile, we are placing these little ones in day care, nursery school, and then we put them into school, where they are required to move from grade to grade, each year adjusting to new teachers, classmates, school buildings, and increasingly challenging academic and social learning.

Children vary widely in the inborn capacity to manage these changes. One of the things I learned from reading William Bridges’s “Transitions” (Addison-Wesley, 1980) is that everyone focuses too much on the new challenges about to be faced and not enough on the challenge of letting go of where we were. For example, parents are surprised when a child isn’t excited about summer vacation. Some children are much more comfortable with the structure and content of the school day.

I think that the better the child’s experience with a situation, the more difficult it might be to let go and move on. The mother who creates a wonderful time at home for her very young child should not be surprised at her daughter’s resistance to go off to school, even though she seems so well-adjusted, social, and bright. When this happens, we look for the bad. Maybe we are looking in the wrong place for an answer.

Of course, the child who did not have a good experience with a particular teacher may be very excited about moving on while the child who loved elementary school may not be eager to transition to middle school. Years ago, most school systems had junior highs, where 7th and 8th graders were isolated from other grades.

Gradually people realized this was not a good idea and now most systems have middle schools which usually include at least 6th, if not 5th, graders. One reason why this change was needed is that children grow at such varied rates, physically, socially, and emotionally. There are such dramatic transitions in early adolescence. Seventh grade girls show a substantial variation in height and physical appearance. Seventh grade boys can range from those who are children to those who are young men. By including younger children in a middle school setting, the teens who are still really children can find compatible peers and not feel so out of place.

So what is it? My definition is someone who has lost the connection to his or her core self, so that his or her thinking and behavior revolves around someone or something external, including a person, a substance, or an activity, such as sex or gambling.

It’s as if codependents are turned inside out. Instead of self-esteem, they have other esteem, based upon what others think and feel. Instead of meeting their own needs, they meet the needs of others, and instead of responding to their own thoughts and feelings, they react to those of others. It’s a haywire system, because they have to control others to feel okay, but that just makes matters worse and leads to conflict and pain. It also makes emotional intimacy difficult.

Some people criticize the codependency movement and say that it’s created more loneliness. They argue that relationships are nurturing and that we’re naturally meant to be dependent. I couldn’t agree more. The point is that codependent relationships are not only painful, but can be unsupportive and destructive. Codependents have problems receiving the good stuff that relationships can potentially offer.

Codependency for Dummies goes into great detail about the difference between codependent and healthy, interdependent relationships, between healthy caregiving and codependent care-taking, and understanding the boundaries between responsibility for yourself and responsibility to others, something that eludes codependents.

Not all codependents are caretakers, but if you are one, you have a hard time listening to other people’s problems without trying to help. Sometimes you even feel responsible and guilty for their feelings. This creates high reactivity for couples who constantly are blaming each other for their own feelings and defending themselves when their partner shares his or her feelings.

What’s missing is a sense of separateness between them known as emotional boundaries. Boundaries simply mean that your thoughts and feelings belong to you. I’m not responsible for them; I didn’t make you feel them. For real intimacy to happen, you need to have a sense of separate identity and feel safe enough to express your feelings without being afraid of criticism or rejection.

This is where the codependent core issue of low self-esteem comes in. With a fragile self, codependents are afraid of rejection and abandonment, but on the flip side, they fear losing themselves when they get attached in a relationship. They tend to give up their needs to accommodate their partner, sometimes letting go of outside friends and activities they used to enjoy, and even when the relationship isn’t working, they are stuck like glue. So many codependents aren’t even in relationships, contrary to common belief, because they’re afraid of losing their independence, which you don’t really lose in a healthy interdependent relationship.

Many codependents have to dance a tightrope of pursuing partners, but never really catching them, or distancing themselves, but never really leaving. It’s a two-step that’s even done in marriages, but creates constant pain in the relationship. Fleeting moments of closeness are just enough to keep the dance going, unless the partners give up on intimacy entirely.

Communication is another area where dependents have a dilemma. They can’t say “No” without feeling guilty, and are resentful when they say “Yes” to things they would rather not do. This is because they avoid taking positions at all costs, due to their fear of rejection. Like clever politicians, they don’t want to say anything that might upset someone else.

The book goes into detail about how to improve your communication. You’ll learn how to be assertive, how to set boundaries, and how to handle verbal abuse. You can practice saying no on your own. Codependents are always explaining and justifying themselves. Remember, “No” is a complete sentence.

Codependents spend far too much of their precious lives worrying about things and people over which they have no control. Healing from codependency starts with getting to know yourself better, honoring yourself, and expressing yourself. Start doing things that make you happy, rather than deferring to others or waiting for someone else to make you happy. Building a relationship with yourself leaves you no time to worry about someone over whom you have no control, anyway. You might think this is selfish, but when you love yourself, you radiate love that’s healing to be around. It overflows onto everyone you interact with.

Such may be the case for you as well with Better Than Normal:  How What Makes You Different Can Make You Exceptional.  This offering from Dr. Dale Archer, a board-certified psychiatrist and distinguished fellow of the American Psychiatric Association, will change the way you look at “the box called normal.”  Dr. Archer states that he is “… driven to spread an empowering new message about mental disorder that places responsibility for identity and mental health back where it belongs – in your hands.”

The message Archer delivers in Better Than Normal is indeed new.  For each of eight fundamental behavioral traits he identifies, he then assigns another term that conjures up far more positivity than the terminology assigned by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). If you have been diagnosed as having ADHD, wouldn’t you rather be seen as “Adventurous”?  How about those with a diagnosis of social anxiety disorder or generalized anxiety disorder?  Wouldn’t the terms “Shy” or “Hyper-Alert” elicit more hope on a patient’s horizon?  A diagnosis of being bipolar or schizophrenic could paralyze someone’s hope for recovery, but what if you were, instead, referred to as being “High Energy” or as a “Magical” thinker? 

Also looked at through a new lens is OCD (Perfectionist); histrionic personality disorder (Dramatic); narcissistic personality disorder (Self-Focused).  Dr. Archer provides a continuum model for these traits from 0 to 10, with 0 representing that the trait is absent; 5, the trait is dominant; and 10, the trait is superdominant.  Because a great many of us have these traits in varying degrees, he suggests that we stop looking at them as negative and see, instead, their positive aspects.  Prior to reading the book, he suggests completing the eight questionnaires in the Appendix to determine your own personality’s dominant traits.

“Ascendant strengths” are identified for each trait and is where the positive spin on diagnosis and treatment really comes into play.  I can only imagine someone’s surprise at being diagnosed with one of these disorders and then their subsequent elation at being told that there are not only strengths inherent with the disorder, but that you can use them to your advantage.  Gone would be the person’s perceived stigma of having a mental disorder.  For his book Dr. Archer interviewed people whose acknowledgement and employment of the ascendant strengths of their disorders have helped them be successful in their lives.  All names in those stories have been changed, with the exception of one.  Marc, who is bipolar, requested that his real name be used as he “puts himself and his story in the public eye every day to live his message and destigmatize mental illness.”  Dr. Archer defines him as a “model of what it means to live and be successful with a diagnosis” and a reason he was invited to be included in the book.

In the chapter on social anxiety disorder, we learn that anxious people sometimes use alcohol (referred to as a “social lubricant”), marijuana, or tobacco to help with their social phobia.  In one woman’s story of her addiction to alcohol, she tried Alcoholics Anonymous meetings but disliked the group setting – remember, she is shy – found the meetings depressing, and she just was not “a joiner.”  Using her ascendant inner strength, she overcame her alcohol addiction by an intentional shift in her mindset to one in which alcohol was poisonous, and then supplemented that mindset with hypnosis tapes, prayer, and books.  It would be interesting to know what advocates of Alcoholics Anonymous think about this approach, especially since she was able to overcome her addiction to alcohol without attending meetings or having a sponsor.

Better Than Normal has its roots in the group theory of evolution, according to Archer: 

…because humans live in interdependent groups, evolution has favored the kind of personality specialization that we’re talking about.  When one person is particularly adventurous, for example, or especially well organized, or an exceptionally charismatic leader, everyone else in the group benefits.  But when we seek out diagnoses and medications so that we can stuff everyone back into the box called normal, we stifle the full range of human diversity.  As individuals, our potential for personal satisfaction decreases.  As a group – as a society – we suffer.

Rest assured that Dr. Archer is not saying that medication no longer has a role in treatment and should be thrown by the wayside.  However, when it comes to treating these disorders he is asking that we also look at them in a new and different way, with a view that may fall outside of what we think of as normal.  Whether you are the one diagnosed with a mental disorder or you are treating someone with such a diagnosis, the treatment approach in Better Than Normal could be the catalyst for beneficial change in the lives of many.

Better Than Normal:  How What Makes You Different Can Make You Exceptional
Crown Archetype: March 13, 2012
Hardcover, 256 pages
$25

Don’t feel bad if that includes you. Most American families are dysfunctional. You’re in the majority!

Researchers also found that codependent symptoms got worse if left untreated. The good news is that they’re reversible.

Following is a list of symptoms of codependents. You needn’t have them all to qualify as codependent.

• Low self-esteem.Feeling that you’re not good enough or comparing yourself to others are signs of low self-esteem. The tricky thing about self-esteem is that some people think highly of themselves, but it’s only a disguise — they actually feel unlovable or inadequate. Underneath, usually hidden from consciousness, are feelings of shame.Guilt and perfectionism often go along with low self-esteem. If everything is perfect, you don’t feel bad about yourself.
• People-pleasing. It’s fine to want to please someone you care about, but codependents usually don’t think they have a choice. Saying “No” causes them anxiety. Some codependents have a hard time saying “No” to anyone. They go out of their way and sacrifice their own needs to accommodate other people.
• Poor boundaries.Boundaries are sort of an imaginary line between you and others. It divides up what’s yours and somebody else’s, and that applies not only to your body, money, and belongings, but also to your feelings, thoughts and needs. That’s especially where codependents get into trouble. They have blurry or weak boundaries. They feel responsible for other people’s feelings and problems or blame their own on someone else.Some codependents have rigid boundaries. They are closed off and withdrawn, making it hard for other people to get close to them. Sometimes, people flip back and forth between having weak boundaries and having rigid ones.
• Reactivity. A consequence of poor boundaries is that you react to everyone’s thoughts and feelings. If someone says something you disagree with, you either believe it or become defensive. You absorb their words, because there’s no boundary. With a boundary, you’d realize it was just their opinion and not a reflection of you and not feel threatened by disagreements.
• Caretaking. Another effect of poor boundaries is that if someone else has a problem, you want to help them to the point that you give up yourself. It’s natural to feel empathy and sympathy for someone, but codependents start putting other people ahead of themselves. In fact, they need to help and might feel rejected if another person doesn’t want help. Moreover, they keep trying to help and fix the other person, even when that person clearly isn’t taking their advice.
• Control.Control helps codependents feel safe and secure. Everyone needs some control over events in their life. You wouldn’t want to live in constant uncertainty and chaos, but for codependents, control limits their ability to take risks and share their feelings. Sometimes they have an addiction that either helps them loosen up, like alcoholism, or helps them hold their feelings down, like workaholism, so that they don’t feel out of control.Codependents also need to control those close to them, because they need other people to behave in a certain way to feel okay. In fact, people-pleasing and care-taking can be used to control and manipulate people. Alternatively, codependents are bossy and tell you what you should or shouldn’t do. This is a violation of someone else’s boundary.
• Dysfunctional communication. Codependents have trouble when it comes to communicating their thoughts, feelings and needs. Of course, if you don’t know what you think, feel or need, this becomes a problem. Other times, you know, but you won’t own up to your truth. You’re afraid to be truthful, because you don’t want to upset someone else. Instead of saying, “I don’t like that,” you might pretend that it’s okay or tell someone what to do. Communication becomes dishonest and confusing when you try to manipulate the other person out of fear.
• Obsessions.Codependents have a tendency to spend their time thinking about other people or relationships. This is caused by their dependency and anxieties and fears. They can also become obsessed when they think they’ve made or might make a “mistake.”Sometimes you can lapse into fantasy about how you’d like things to be or about someone you love as a way to avoid the pain of the present. This is one way to stay in denial, discussed below, but it keeps you from living your life.
• Dependency. Codependents need other people to like them to feel okay about themselves. They’re afraid of being rejected or abandoned, even if they can function on their own. Others need always to be in a relationship, because they feel depressed or lonely when they’re by themselves for too long. This trait makes it hard for them to end a relationship, even when the relationship is painful or abusive. They end up feeling trapped.
• Denial. One of the problems people face in getting help for codependency is that they’re in denial about it, meaning that they don’t face their problem. Usually they think the problem is someone else or the situation. They either keep complaining or trying to fix the other person, or go from one relationship or job to another and never own up the fact that they have a problem.Codependents also deny their feelings and needs. Often, they don’t know what they’re feeling and are instead focused on what others are feeling. The same thing goes for their needs. They pay attention to other people’s needs and not their own. They might be in denial of their need for space and autonomy. Although some codependents seem needy, others act like they’re self-sufficient when it comes to needing help. They won’t reach out and have trouble receiving. They are in denial of their vulnerability and need for love and intimacy.
• Problems with intimacy. By this I’m not referring to sex, although sexual dysfunction often is a reflection of an intimacy problem. I’m talking about being open and close with someone in an intimate relationship. Because of the shame and weak boundaries, you might fear that you’ll be judged, rejected, or left. On the other hand, you may fear being smothered in a relationship and losing your autonomy. You might deny your need for closeness and feel that your partner wants too much of your time; your partner complains that you’re unavailable, but he or she is denying his or her need for separateness.
• Painful emotions. Codependency creates stress and leads to painful emotions. Shame and low self-esteem create anxiety and fear about being judged, rejected or abandoned; making mistakes; being a failure; feeling trapped by being close or being alone. The other symptoms lead to feelings of anger and resentment, depression, hopelessness, and despair. When the feelings are too much, you can feel numb.

There is help for recovery and change. The first step is getting guidance and support. These symptoms are deeply ingrained habits and difficult to identify and change on your own. Join a 12-Step program, such as Codependents Anonymous or seek counseling. Work on becoming more assertive and building your self-esteem.

Once hooked, however, you have to contend with narcissists’ demands, criticisms and self-centeredness. Perhaps you were embarrassed when your mate cut in front of the line or shuddered at the dismissive way he or she treated a waitress. Interpersonal relationships revolve around them. You’re expected to meet their needs when needed, and are dismissed when not.

What it’s Like to Love a Narcissist

In the beginning, you were delighted to be in the narcissist’s aura. Now you’re tense and drained from unpredictable tantrums, attacks, and unjustified indignation at imaginary slights. You begin to doubt yourself, worry what he or she will think, and become as preoccupied with the narcissist as he or she is with him or herself.

After a while, you start to lose self-confidence. Your self-esteem may have been intact when you met, but your partner finds you coming up short and doesn’t fail to point it out. Most narcissists are perfectionists. Nothing you or others do is right or appreciated. Talking about your disappointment or hurt gets turned into your fault or another opportunity to put you down. They can dish it, but not take it, being highly sensitive to any perceived judgment.

Narcissists have no boundaries. They see you as an extension of themselves, requiring you to be on call to meet their needs regardless of your own. You might get caught up in trying to please them. This is like trying to fill a bottomless pit. Their needs, whether for admiration, service, love, or purchases, are endless. You might go out of your way to fill their request only to have your efforts devalued because you didn’t read their mind. They expect you to know without having to ask. You end up in a double-bind – damned if you displease them and damned when you do.

Narcissists don’t like to hear “No.” Boundary-setting threatens them. They’ll manipulate to get their way and make sure you feel guilty if you’re bold enough to risk turning them down. You become afraid that if you don’t please them, you risk an onslaught of blame and punishment, withheld love, and a ruptured relationship. This is all too possible, because the narcissist’s relationship is with him- or herself. You just have to fit in. Nevertheless, you stay in the relationship, because periodically the charm, excitement, and loving gestures that first enchanted you return.

Do Narcissists Love?

In public, narcissists switch on the charm that first drew you in. People gravitate toward them and are enlivened by their energy. You’re proud to bask in their glow.

But at home, they’re totally different. They may privately denigrate the person they were just entertaining. You begin to wonder if they have an outward “as if” personality. Maybe you’re reassured of their love when they bestow complimentary and caring words and gestures, are madly possessive, or buy you expensive gifts, then doubt their sincerity and question whether they’re being manipulative or saying what’s appropriate.

Sometimes, you might think they love only themselves. That’s a common misconception. Actually, narcissists dislike themselves immensely. Their inflated self-flattery, perfectionism, and arrogance are merely covers for the self-loathing they don’t admit – usually even to themselves. Instead, it’s projected outward in their disdain for and criticism of others. This is why they don’t want to look at themselves. They’re too afraid, because they believe that the truth would be devastating. Narcissists don’t have much of a Self at all. Emotionally, they’re dead inside. (See Self-Love.)

Early Beginnings

It’s hard to be empathic with narcissists, but they didn’t choose to be that way. Their natural development was arrested as a toddler due to faulty early parenting, usually by a mother who didn’t provide sufficient nurturing and opportunity for idealization. They’re left with an unrealistic view of themselves, and at times make you experience what it was like having had to feed the needs of a cold, invasive, or unavailable narcissistic parent. Anne Rice’s vampire Lestat had such an emotionally empty mother, who devotedly bonded with him to survive.

The deprivation of real nurturing and lack of boundaries make narcissists dependent on others to feed their insatiable need for validation. Like the mythological Narcissus, they don’t know themselves, but only can love themselves as a reflection in the eyes of others. Poor Narcissus. The gods sentenced him to a life without human love. He fell in love with his reflection by a pool, and died by the water, hungering for a response from his reflection.

Diagnosis

All personality traits, including narcissism, exist on a continuum from mild to severe. Narcissism ranges from self-centeredness and some narcissistic traits to Narcissistic Personality Disorder (“NPD”). NPD wasn’t categorized as a disorder by the American Psychiatric Association until 1987, because it was felt that too many people shared some of the traits and it was difficult to diagnose. The summarized diagnosis is controversial and undergoing further change.

Someone with NPD is grandiose (sometimes only in fantasy), lacks empathy, and needs admiration from others, as indicated by five of these characteristics:

1. A grandiose sense of self-importance; exaggerates achievements and talents
2. Dreams of unlimited power, success, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
3. Lacks empathy for the feelings and needs of others
4. Requires excessive admiration
5. Believes he or she is special and unique, and can only be understood by, or should associate with other special or of high-status people (or institutions)
6. Unreasonably expects special, favorable treatment or compliance with his or her wishes
7. Exploits and takes advantage of others to achieve personal ends
8. Envies others or believes they’re envious of him or her
9. Has “an attitude” of arrogance or acts that way

Of all the narcissists, beware of malignant narcissists, who are the most pernicious, hostile, and destructive. They take traits 6 and 7 to an extreme, and are vindictive and malicious. Avoid them before they destroy you.

Codependency

People with codependence lack a core Self, and define themselves based on others. This is true for all narcissists, whose Self is so weak and insecure they need constant validation. Stereotypically, they’re not interested in taking care of others – but some narcissists are caretakers. Some narcissistic men do this with money, because it boosts their self-esteem.

When two narcissists get together, they’re miserable needing each other, yet fighting over whose needs come first and pushing away. On the other hand, it can be a perfect fit, albeit painful, for ordinary codependents, because their low self-esteem is boosted by the narcissist’s attributes and aura of success. It also allows them to tolerate the narcissist’s emotional abuse. They feel needless and guilty asserting their needs and caring for a narcissist makes them feel valued. Because they feel undeserving of receiving love, they don’t expect to be loved for who they are – only for what they give or do.

Treatment

Narcissists don’t usually seek help unless a major loss shatters their illusions. But both narcissism and codependency can be healed with courage, time, and a commitment to yourself. Recovery entails improving boundaries and self-acceptance based upon real self-knowledge. Psychotherapy and joining a 12-Step program are beneficial ways to start.

On its own, the word “nice” can carry a variety of tones.  It can imply “good” or “generous;” on the other hand, if it is used sarcastically, it can imply the complete opposite. 

How much time have you spent pondering the real meaning behind this word?  Joan Duncan Oliver does just that in her book, The Meaning of Nice: How Compassion and Civility Can Change Your Life (And the World).  She dissects the word “nice” and how it applies to various aspects of life so thoroughly that it may leave you amazed at the expansiveness of this small word.

The entire first chapter is devoted to the evolution of this word over the course of several centuries.  In researching the book, she conducted a survey to gather insight into how people perceive the term “nice” and qualities they typically associate with it.  Throughout the book, she refers to various studies that have been conducted regarding interactions between people and their perceptions of others.  These studies help to build her case on the various qualities that truly help define this all-encompassing term, nice. 

It is no longer enough to say that “nice” is “good.”  Rather, Oliver found many qualities considered part of the working definition: generous, compassionate, polite, social, kind, etc.

After mulling over the word’s definition, Oliver discusses how it plays a role in our lives and relationships.  She talks about “mirror neurons,” neurons in the brain that send messages to mirror the actions, tones, stance, etc. of the other person or people with whom we are interacting.  This mirroring begins in infancy, and continues to expand as we grow older and into more complicated and varied relationships.  Oliver takes a look at how nice relates to manners, and the role it plays in our romantic and professional relationships.

The eighth chapter is one that I would personally like to scan and send to a few people I know.  Entitled “Too Nice for Your Own Good,” the chapter looks at how being nice can be a detriment if taken too far. 

Many young girls are constantly told to “be nice” to others so often that perhaps the distinction between being nice and being walked on becomes blurred.  “Being super-nice is a plea for validation,” Oliver states.  “One of the most common pitfalls of too-nice people is thinking that if they don’t take care of something or someone, no one else will.” 

Oliver mentions that self-abandonment or self-betrayal can become a problem with someone who is “too nice.”  These people tend to put everyone else’s needs and desires before their own, sometimes to the extent of self-neglect.  At some point, these people may find themselves wondering who they are because they are no longer attuned to their own desires and needs. 

Oliver rounds out the book by summing up her general thoughts and giving examples of “nice” in action.  She shares the story of a friend who spent nineteen months walking across the U.S. and the amazing people who extended a hand, some money, or shelter to help in her cause.  Summing up her thoughts on “nice” is best left to her own words:

But throughout the book I’ve tried to show that nice isn’t a single trait or quality but a way of being — a posture toward life that transcends the meaning of any one word.  What is more important than the label itself is what nice as a way of being entails.  There is an urgency in the culture right now to restore kindness, generosity, compassion, courtesy, and caring to our relations with one another … Although being nice may be defined in any number of ways, no one seems to be confused about what it is once they see it in action.

The Meaning of Nice has found a special place on my bookshelf.  Few books have left me pondering my actions as much as Oliver’s has.  Rather than a drab historical perspective, Oliver’s tone is light and conversational and left me feeling as though I’d just had an in-depth discussion with a friend.  I have found that after reading her book, I am inspired to make “being nice” (although not too nice) an actual goal and attempt to exude that behavior in all aspects of my life.  I really appreciated her look at how the digital age has affected being nice and plan on making one day a month a “tech-free” day in my home.  Joan Duncan Oliver has definitely provided me with ample food for thought.

The Meaning of Nice: How Compassion and Civility Can Change Your Life (and The World)
By Joan Duncan Oliver
Berkley Trade, January 3, 2012
Paperback, 272 pages
$14

The two women came together to write the 8 Keys to Recovery From an Eating Disorder in order to extend their help to the “more than 20 million people in the US alone [who] suffer from an eating disorder.”  They note, however, that it may be useful for the sufferer’s family and friends, as well as mental health professionals.

Since both authors are familiar with eating disorders on professional and personal levels, they understand that each person will have a unique recovery process.  For this reason, the book is not regimented and is designed so that you are free to skip around and read what interests you. To make it more personal, the authors include many writing assignments to help readers engage.

Most important, you don’t have to be completely ready to recover before you begin reading this book.  Costin and Grabb write “we don’t consider lack of motivation a weakness or problem; we understand it.”  They know that there often is a feeling of ambivalence toward recovery; they believe their job is twofold: to help their readers deal with this and to continue to motivate them.

Because these authors work so hard to make this text a personal experience for each reader, and since they are so familiar with the intricacies of the illness and steps in the recovery process, I would highly recommend them to anyone suffering from an eating disorder — especially if you feel alone.  These two strong women are proof that you are not alone and that you can recover.

Costin and Grabb are gentle in their guidance.  They do not push their readers, but consistently encourage and motivate.  They explain everything thoroughly, so that readers aren’t just receiving advice, but are actually learning about the recovery process. They also take the time to explain that their goal is for the reader eventually to recover. They are careful to use this word instead of “recovering” or “in recovery” because they both feel that being recovered is reaching a state of acceptance and having a proper perspective on food, weight and your own physical and mental health.  Additionally, they both feel that they are recovered and therefore want to help others feel the same.

While the goal is clear, Costin and Grabb don’t believe that recovery itself is a linear process.  This is why they encourage readers to explore the chapters in random order. They also are careful to explain that during the recovery process “your motivation, patience and hope will come and go.”  This is a constant reminder that the path is long, but their friendly and gentle advice will be by your side.  As shown in the quote, they directly speak to you as a reader, so you feel quite intimate with them. 

To make it even more personal, the authors encourage readers to keep a journal to document feelings and experiences during the process.  They give writing assignments in each section as prompts, and include example entries in the back, but they mostly want to help readers create a space where they can talk about their eating disorder and record all their thoughts and feelings.  This way, as readers get further along, they can return to those ideas later and get a sense of their progress.

The 8 keys that Costin and Grabb outline offer new perspectives.  It isn’t an attack on eating disorders; it is a journey of understanding.  Mostly, I felt the authors provided their readers with the vocabulary to articulate feelings and experiences.  For example, they give examples of common statements made by people with eating disorders, such as “I know I wear a size 4, but when I look in the mirror I see a fat person.”  This gives readers an opportunity to see themselves in the examples and also serves as a platform for the authors to demonstrate their keys.  In this example, they show how a person with an eating disorder is struggling with two selves: their healthy self and their eating disorder self.  In addition to providing examples like this, they also include their own stories and other real-life examples from people who have also recovered.

What I most enjoyed about Costin and Grabb’s approach was their compassionate tone and realistic advice.  They are invested in providing real hope, motivation and insight for readers.  Their attention to real-life issues, such as lack of motivation, fear, or even voicing concerns like the “need for distraction,” all show that they have intimate experience with this type of treatment.  At one point they include a short conversation between Costin and Grabb that happened during Grabb’s recovery.  Grabb says “What am I supposed to do with all these feelings?” and Costin says, “Feel them.”  I think this is a perfect demonstration of how they embrace the entire process of recovery.  

Costin and Grabb support their clients so they can learn to accept and understand instead of always having to fight their illness.  Their keys are clear and flexible.  Readers certainly will have to face some hard truths, but they are in charge of the pacing and do have someone who understands.

8 Keys to Recovery from an Eating Disorder: Effective Strategies from Therapeutic Practice and Personal Experience
By Carolyn Costin and Gwen Schubert Grabb
W. W. Norton & Company: November 7, 2011
Paperback, 296 pages
$19.95

Sabrina’s Perspective

Sabrina, 18, was a freshman away at college. Shortly after she arrived at school she found out that her parents had just split up. Sabrina also soon discovered that her dad had been having an affair since she was in high school, and was still involved with the other woman.

Sabrina came across as superficially tough and apathetic but her hurt and desire for connection were just beneath the surface. She said she had no idea why she felt so bad — so depressed and anxious — and that there was no good reason for it. However, when the topic of her dad came up, Sabrina became visibly distressed. She was adamant that she didn’t want to talk about him, didn’t want to have anything to do with him, and “didn’t care” — but often ended up talking about him anyway. Also, Sabrina frequently commented that if she met her dad’s girlfriend she would “punch her in the face.”

Sabrina’s attitude towards her dad was a change of heart from how she felt towards him growing up. Even though he wasn’t around all the time, she felt a strong connection and identification with him. In this regard, she talked about how she was never a “girly girl ” like her sister, and how she and her dad were both good at math and science.

Sabrina always did well in school until she went off to college. She was caught off guard this year when she began feeling homesick and out of her element — lost in a large school in the engineering department. Sabrina was noticeably hard on herself, hating that she was “weak and pathetic” and criticizing herself for not being able to focus on her work or to get better. Her depression made it hard to concentrate. She found herself constantly ruminating about failing and worried about disappointing her parents. The pressure led to a repetitive spiral of poor grades and increasing panic, guilt and shame. Sabrina became uncertain of what she was good at or interested in, losing her focus and direction.

Sabrina didn’t tell anyone what she was going through and felt lonely and isolated. She didn’t want to talk to her dad and felt protective of her mom, fearful of burdening her. Sabrina mostly pretended things were fine, though occasionally dropping some conspicuous hints to her mom about wishing she (Sabrina) were dead.

Mom’s Perspective

Sabrina’s mom, Deb, was in the throes of grief and depression following the breakup of her marriage. She wanted to help Sabrina and seemed loving but, at the same time, needed her daughter to be OK and was generally oblivious to what Sabrina was going through. Deb often gave quick advice or geared the conversation to her own problems, not taking seriously Sabrina’s expressions of desperation about whether she could survive.

Dad’s Perspective

Sabrina’s dad, Sam, was a high-achieving, very successful engineer. He held Sabrina to similarly high standards, confident (as she had been) that she would flourish in a related field. He seemed to love Sabrina more than anything but was somewhat emotionally immature — clueless about how to manage their relationship. Though he frequently came across as critical, reactive and not easily empathic or tuned in to feelings, he also seemed ingenuous, and was himself easily hurt.

Sam expressed his love and caring for Sabrina by giving her money and advice. On the one hand, he seemed to feel guilty when he recognized how much he hurt her by having the affair. But on the other, he was mad about her ongoing anger toward him, arguing self-righteously that he also was entitled to happiness.

Sam was very focused on wanting Sabrina to meet his girlfriend and be friendly with her, which would help his life be less divided. “Why should Sabrina be mad at her? And how long do I have to let her be mad at me? Plenty of families go through this. This can’t be all my fault. She’s just manipulating me into feeling bad. Sabrina’s problem is that she likes to blame everyone else but herself for her problems and failures.”