Being assertive is starkly different from being passive or aggressive. Paterson has a helpful analogy that distinguishes the differences. He explained:

In the passive style, all the world is allowed on stage but for you — your role is to be the audience and supporter for everyone else. In the aggressive style, you’re allowed on stage but you spend most of your time shoving the others off, like in a lifelong sumo match. With the assertive style, everyone is welcome onstage. You are entitled to be a full person, including your uniqueness, and so are others.

“Assertiveness involves advocating for yourself in a way that is positive and proactive,” said Joyce Marter, LCPC, psychotherapist and owner of Urban Balance, LLC. It also means being clear, direct and honest, she said.

For instance, if you’re upset with your boss over your performance review, you’re able to express your opinion in a diplomatic and professional way, she said. Again, this is very different from the other styles. If you’re passive, you might swallow your feelings and become resentful, which can chip away at your self-esteem and boost stress and anxiety, she said. If you’re aggressive, you might curse out your boss and quit. If you’re passive-aggressive, you might call in sick and give your boss the silent treatment, she said.

Why Some People Aren’t Assertive

Why are some people assertive while others aren’t? Many factors may contribute. Stress is one. “The fight-or-flight response is an evolutionary adaptation that pulls us toward aggression or avoidance, and away from calm, relaxed assertiveness,” Paterson said.

A person’s belief system also plays a role. According to Paterson, these assertive-sabotaging stances include: “Being nice means going along with others” or “It doesn’t matter if I’m assertive, no one will pay attention anyway” or “He’ll leave me!” That’s why it’s so important to become aware of these beliefs. “[This way you] can examine them clearly and rationally and decide what to do,” he said.

People with low self-esteem may feel inadequate and have a hard time finding their voice, Marter said. Others might fear conflict, losing a relationship, criticism or rejection, she said.

If you’re a woman, you might’ve been raised to set aside your needs and opinions and support and agree with others, Paterson said. If you’re a man, you might’ve been raised to react aggressively with a “my way or the highway” view, he said. Or just the opposite, you might want to be completely different. “[These individuals may be] fearful of provoking aggression when they are present in relationships, or of being ‘a jerk like my father was.’”

How to Be Assertive

Assertiveness is a skill that takes practice. It may always be easier for you to swallow your feelings, scream at someone or give them the silent treatment. But assertiveness is a better strategy. It works because it respects you and others.

Drawing on her own experiences and her observations of others, Schoen explains exactly what a “gentle self” is.  This type of narcissist puts others ahead of themselves because the narcissist feels that he or she is unworthy of love or respect.  I can definitely relate to the gentle self.  Schoen spends half the book comparing and contrasting the two types of narcissist.  You may be thinking, “How can someone who puts others first be a narcissist?  Isn’t that the exact opposite of what a narcissist is?”  Schoen addresses this very question.  She explains that a narcissist is anyone who is self-absorbed.  The gentle self is self-absorbed in the sense that they are constantly thinking about how they don’t feel like they belong, how they aren’t worthy of love, etc.

The second half of The Gentle Self is about how to overcome depression, anxiety, shyness, and low self-esteem.  Schoen offers such advice as, “If you feel strong anxiety or pain or even a nervous breakdown approaching, the first rule to remember is: leave yourself alone.”  She goes on to say, “We often tend to put more pressure on ourselves in the form of ‘I can’t possibly burst into tears right now,’ ‘what’s wrong with me,’ or ‘I hate myself,’” and suggests trying to “be your own friend” when others are being negative toward you.

In romantic relationships, Schoen recommends bringing the spontaneity that we crave into the relationship instead of waiting for our partners to do so.  If we sit around waiting for our partners to read our minds and do what we want them to do, our relationships will end in failure.  Affairs are a not uncommon problem in relationships with gentle narcissists.  In friendships, Schoen says that gentle narcissists should get out and meet people.  Since it’s human nature to crave connection, meeting strangers on the street can feel refreshing and give the gentle self the confidence he or she needs to feel good the rest of the day.

Some other practical methods that Schoen provides for dealing with personal issues are the typical options: psychotherapy, meditation, and growing up.  The phrase “growing up” means something different to everyone.  In the context of The Gentle Self, growing up can be explained with three ideas:

• Leave yourself alone.
• Stay involved with other people.
• Take care of somebody else such as a child, grandparent, or pet.

If you, or any other gentle self, can get your mind off of how you feel about yourself, you get out with friends or meet new people regularly, and you have someone you can pour your affection into, your life might just start to look a little bit brighter.

All in all, I’m not too sure how effective Schoen’s methods are.  I’ve tried meditation before with little success.  Though I do feel a little better when I’m interacting with people, when that interaction has ended, I’m back to feeling how I did before—worthless and unimportant.  There are a lot of things that I agree with in The Gentle Self.  As I read, I could see so many parallels with my life.  Everything from distant parents trying to live through me to my fear of intimacy in romantic relationships—Gerti Schoen covered it all.  I have yet to try psychotherapy, but it is something I’ve been looking into.  As for taking care of someone else, I don’t know what I would do without my pets.  The only way I can explain how I feel about my pets is how a parent feels for a child.  They mean everything to me and I would be lost without them.

On the whole, The Gentle Self was a slow read.  There are a few grammatical and spelling errors, but nothing that the average mind would notice unless it was looking for them.  Schoen offers sound advice.  Her methods work more often than not.  Ultimately, I would have to say that The Gentle Self is definitely a book I would recommend to anyone who suffers from major depression or bipolar disorder.  You may see yourself in the pages.

The Gentle Self: How to Overcome Your Difficulties with Depression, Anxiety, Shyness, and Low Self-Esteem
By Gerti Schoen
CreateSpace: August 25, 2011
Paperback, 136 pages
$7.20

Individuals with healthy self-esteem are humble and recognize all people’s worth, according to Glenn R. Schiraldi, Ph.D., author of The Self-Esteem Workbook and a professor at the University of Maryland School of Public Health. They’re also realistic. Those with good self-esteem are able to realistically and honestly evaluate their strengths, weaknesses and potential.

According to Schiraldi, self-esteem consists of three elements: unconditional love, unconditional worth and growth — “a deep, quiet inner security that is not easily shaken under duress or after a disappointing performance.”

Research has found positive links between healthy self-esteem and many desirable outcomes, including happiness, humility, resilience and optimism. Studies show that low self-esteem is related to stress, depression and anxiety.

Some psychologists believe that self-esteem stays where it is permanently. In other words, if you have low self-esteem, there’s nothing you can do to improve it. Schiraldi disagrees and sees several reasons for this misunderstanding. “Usually, criticism springs from simplistic, or sometimes false, definitions, lack of understanding about how it changes, and measurement challenges,” he said. Improving self-esteem is not a quick or easy process, he noted, and simplistic interventions don’t work. It takes time and practice to genuinely enhance self-esteem.

Lisa Firestone, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist and co-author of Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice, also believes it’s possible to lift low self-esteem. She cites neuroplasticity as a major reason. Neuroplasticity is our brain’s ability to change structurally and functionally as a result of our environment.

What Doesn’t Work in Boosting Self-Esteem

Empty affirmations don’t work. Telling someone they’re smarter and better than others doesn’t boost self-esteem. Rather, it just sets people up for failure and a shaky self-esteem.

“Everyone doesn’t deserve a trophy for showing up, but everyone can feel that they have as much right to play and enjoy the process of improving as anyone else does,” Schiraldi said.

Strategies for Strengthening Self-Esteem

Practice healthy habits. According to Schiraldi, it’s important to prepare your brain — “maximizing the health, function and receptivity to new learning of neurons” — before studying new skills. This includes feeding your body nutritious foods, participating in physical activities, getting enough sleep and treating medical or psychological conditions. “For example, if one has been shamed by sexual abuse, it is usually critical to heal the emotional wounds before trying to get to a more positive place,” he said.

Recognize how you’re attacking yourself. Identify what you may be doing to perpetuate your low self-esteem, Firestone said. For instance, you might choose to surround yourself with toxic people who further sink your self-esteem. Or you might encourage others to talk down to you. Many people don’t voice their needs and let others speak for them.

Once you can recognize the ways you sabotage yourself, you can work through them. Take the example of articulating your needs. If you’re too passive to do so, learn how you can become more assertive. Start small: Ask your roommate to turn the music down, say no to an event you don’t want to attend or ask your server to have a cold entrée reheated.

Identify and challenge self-critical thoughts. Certain distorted thought patterns enable low self-esteem. A common distortion is personalizing, which Schiraldi describes in The Self-Esteem Workbook as “seeing yourself as more involved in negative events than you really are.” Maybe you take full responsibility for your spouse’s fatigue, your son failing his math final or your boss being mad.

In his book, Schiraldi offers two antidotes to personalizing. First, remember that you may be able to influence someone’s behavior but you certainly don’t cause it. “The final decision is theirs, not ours,” he writes. Next, look for other influences in a situation. Instead of believing that you can’t accomplish a certain project, acknowledge that it’s a tough task and you’re in a noisy environment.

You also can learn to challenge other negative thoughts, he said, such as: “I’m a loser,” “I can’t do anything,” or “I’m completely inadequate and will always be so.” To learn more, here are 15 cognitive distortions, how to fix them and more on challenging these distortions.

A total of 141 students completed anonymous questionnaires on their self-esteem, well-being and stress levels, and their Facebook use. This showed that students who interacted more on Facebook in their first semester reported being happier and less stressed and had higher self-esteem. However, a greater number of Facebook friends did not appear to be beneficial.

The second part of the study involved 169 students completing the same questionnaire halfway through their first year. At this point, the frequency of their Facebook use was not linked to stress, self-esteem or well-being, but having more Facebook friends was linked to higher self-esteem and well-being.

In the first semester, students who have a tight support network surrounding them are likely to feel more confident and appreciated, say the researchers. By the second half of the year, those with more friends on Facebook are likely to be the ones who have been happier, interacted more, and have therefore made more new friends.

Dr. Stiff presented his findings last September at the British Psychological Society annual conference in Cambridge, UK. He believes that receiving frequent messages on Facebook could help students who are about to begin college and are feeling in need of support.

“When teenagers come to university for the first time, they may find this significant life transition extremely stressful. Moreover, as the new student’s local support network is no longer available due to their geographical displacement, stress and associated maladies may be exacerbated.

“Facebook is not just a tool for superficial social networking,” he said, “it is also a highly effective conduit for social support during students’ first few dizzying months at university.”

However, more recent research suggests that people who spend more time on Facebook have a relatively worse self-image. Dr. Hui-Tzu Chou of Utah Valley University and colleagues explain that Facebook “provides a platform for people to manage others’ impressions of them.” Because people tend to present themselves in a favorable way on their Facebook profile, reading these profiles may have an impact on others’ perceptions of their own lives.

In the journal Cyberpsychology, Behavior and Social Networking, the team reports on their study of 425 undergraduates at a state university in Utah. The students were given questionnaires on the duration of their Facebook use, time spent on Facebook each week, number of Facebook friends, and perceptions about others’ lives.

Those who had used Facebook longer and who spent more time on Facebook believed that others were happier, and were less likely to believe that life is fair. Having more people who they did not personally know as Facebook “friends” was also linked to believing that others had better lives.

Dr. Chou states that Facebook users “tend to attribute the positive content presented on Facebook to others’ personality, rather than situational factors, especially for those they do not know personally.”

It seems that the impact of Facebook on self-esteem is a mixed bag. A 2011 Kent State University study concluded that having a greater number of Facebook friends is positively linked to well-being.

The 391 college students in the survey described their “self-presentation strategies” as either positive or honest. Analysis showed that positive self-presentation had a direct effect on well-being. But honest self-presentation had an indirect effect on well-being via perceived social support from Facebook friends. The researchers say that self-disclosure plays an important role in signaling one’s need for social support.

Finally, a team from Assumption College, Worcester, Massachusetts looked at how Facebook relates to self-esteem and adjustment to college among 70 students. Their survey implied that the number of Facebook friends “potentially hinders academic adjustment, and spending a lot of time on Facebook is related to low self-esteem.”

Number of Facebook friends was negatively linked to emotional and academic adjustment among first-year students. However, the relationship became positive later in college life, “when students use Facebook effectively to connect socially with their peers.”

These researchers, led by Dr. Maria Kalpidou, write that their findings point to “the value of studying further the notion of Facebook friends.”

References

Facebook as a Means of Managing Stress Associated with Life Transitions. Can Social Networking Help New University Students? Presented by Dr Chris Stiff of Keele University at the British Psychological Society Social Psychology Section annual conference in Cambridge, UK, from September 6-8, 2011.

http://www.bps.org.uk/events/social-psychology-section-annual-conference-2011

“They Are Happier and Having Better Lives than I Am:” The Impact of Using Facebook on Perceptions of Others’ Lives. Chou, H. T. and Edge, N. Cyberpsychology, Behavior and Social Networking, published online December 14, 2011.

The Facebook Paths to Happiness: Effects of the Number of Facebook Friends and Self-Presentation on Subjective Well-Being. Kim, J. and Lee, J. E. Cyberpsychology, Behavior and Social Networking, published online November 30, 2011.

The Relationship between Facebook and the Well-Being of Undergraduate College Students. Kalpidou, M., Costin, D. and Morris, J. Cyberpsychology, Behavior and Social Networking, published online December 30, 2010.

The Lonely Screams, by Sean Seepersad, presents a curated collection of essays contributed to Seepersad’s website, Web of Loneliness. The stories are often wrenching and sad, and Seepersad follows each essay with his thoughts about the origin of and solution to the writer’s loneliness.  Aside from his clinical and academic interest in the subject, Seepersad has a personal interest; the final chapter is his own essay about his experiences of loneliness.

Two-thirds of the contributors to this book are women, and most describe feeling lonely for as long as they can remember. The contributors tell personal stories of loss, betrayal, childhood bullying, parental abuse and abandonment, romantic relationships gone awry, and of opportunities missed or simply not available in their lives. Most writers try to understand why they experience chronic loneliness, and they often point to events from their childhood that set the pattern in motion. Jack, for instance, writes “From my earliest memories I have always felt alone and not totally accepted. I have learned that when I was a baby, out of frustration my mother would hit me to stop me crying.” He concludes his essay hopelessly: “Loneliness kills potential. I can see no future for myself. I will give myself a few years, though. I would not ever kill myself, no matter how much of a failure I become.” In his analysis, Seepersad comments on Jack’s resignation and notes that Jack responded to his childhood loneliness by becoming a chameleon, “changing himself to fit the world around him,” and this kind of separation results in the loss of the hurt child within. Seepersad’s solution for Jack is to “get in touch with his true self, realize his true desires, and pursue his own dreams.”

The Web of Loneliness project is not set up with a rigorous experimental design, run within the auspices of a university lab; it’s a website, and anyone who wishes to contribute his or her story is welcome to do so. Contributors frequently comment on their gratitude for being heard, for being able to give voice to the experience of loneliness. At the end of each essay in the book, a URL is provided so the reader can go online and leave comments about the essays, and read comments others have left.

Although the stories were indeed sad, and sometimes difficult to read, they were actually stories of a great many more conditions than loneliness. Many writers were clearly experiencing profound clinical depression, and some experienced suicidality. Of course, depression and loneliness make sorrowful bedfellows, and each contributes to the other in a dynamic way. I wanted Seepersad to focus the book more closely on loneliness. With a public website inviting contributions, I wondered why he chose the particular essays he selected for this book.

My greatest disappointment with this book was in Seepersad’s commentary after each essay. He structured his response in two directions: what he saw as the origin of the individual’s loneliness, and his advice to the writer. Without exception, both halves were shallower than I expected. Seepersad is a clinical psychologist, and I’d anticipated reading more insightful commentary about the origins, and less glib advice.

Additionally, his thoughts about the origins are often contradictory. For one writer, who sought close relationships despite expressing a concern about intimacy, Seepersad wondered why she sought relationships, if she was afraid of intimacy? To a later essay, he commented that the need for belonging is a basic human need, like hunger.  As a psychologist with access to (if not familiarity with) the literature, he could have presented a more in-depth examination of the conflict between a basic human need, like belonging, and the anxiety associated with fear of intimacy. Such an explanation needn’t be heavily academic — given the book’s audience, which is probably people who feel lonely, he could have presented more complex information in an accessible way.

With a stated goal of offering each writer advice about what they might do to change their circumstances, Seepersad takes on a big job, especially for a slim book of this type. The answers are certainly complex, given the lifelong patterns these lonely people describe, but Seepersad resorts to an essentially light, hand-waving response, as he offered at the end of Pat’s story: “If you are suffering from this inner loneliness as well, it may well mean you need to undergo your own deep, transformational process as well.” With such a shallow answer (pointing to an enormous and difficult task), he would have been better off formulating a different structure for his responses to the essays. Had he organized his responses with a tighter focus on illuminating the source of each writer’s loneliness, he could have gone into greater depth and made his contribution more valuable.

In the end, reading this book felt like reading a public website, and I did not come away with a greater understanding of “the complex world of the lonely,” as the book’s subtitle promised. Seepersad has access to such rich material, I hope his next effort takes the questions a little more seriously.

The Lonely Screams: Understanding the Complex World of the Lonely
By Sean S. Seepersad
CreateSpace: May 18, 2011
Paperback, 186 pages
$8.99

Ashley’s Perspective

Ashley was 19. She had been away at college her freshman and sophomore years when her life unraveled again. In high school, she had struggled for several years with escalating depression, drinking, and marijuana use, and the painful feeling that her mother was ashamed of her. Her parents did not recognize the seriousness of the situation until she began to scratch and then cut her arms with sharp objects, at which point her mom got scared and sought help. During her senior year of high school, her mom forced her into treatment, and with intensive individual, family and group therapies she become sober and psychologically stable.

Before leaving for college, Ashley was much better. She felt strong, proud of herself, and grateful to her parents for the ways they changed and learned to support her. Ashley even seemed to rise above her past — becoming an informal spokesperson for treatment and sobriety and seeking out ways to help friends and others in trouble.

At college Ashley initially participated in the support system set up for her, but then her attendance at therapy became sporadic. She became absorbed with campus life and seemed to revel in her independence. Ashley told her parents she felt “fine,” and announced that she no longer needed any antidepressants and had gone off them.

Toward the end of first semester, Ashley tried to avoid her parents’ calls. When they did speak, she was short with them, refusing to talk about school or therapy. When Ashley came home during winter break, she spent much of her time sleeping and staying in her room on Facebook. Though having agreed to get a job, she became too anxious to follow through the process. When her grades arrived, she could no longer hide that she had failed a course and was on probation. Ashley felt ashamed but promised her parents she would do better next term and go to her therapy appointments.

Unfortunately, the same cycle occurred the following year, culminating in a mounting emotional crisis toward the end of spring semester which she attempted to hide from her parents. When they questioned her over the phone about how she was doing, she told them she didn’t want to talk about it and wanted space. Her parents complied and backed off. When she was home over the summer, however, the signs that she was sinking became harder for her parents to ignore. (The warning signs of her depression included poor grades and failure at school, avoidance, inertia, withdrawal, staying in bed too much, weight gain, lack of motivation, irritability, and depressed mood.) Though her words stated otherwise, Ashley had again fallen into the danger zone.

Parents’ Perspective

Ashley’s mom, Laura, was a successful surgeon. She struggled with tremendous guilt over her role in her daughter’s emotional problems and failure to heed warning signs that Ashley was in trouble until things were so bad that Ashley started cutting herself.

Laura recognized that, due to her own upbringing, she had been unable to be available emotionally to Ashley and, on top of that, was perpetually disappointed with her. She came to understand that she had tried to mold her daughter into someone more conventional and ambitious, pressuring Ashley to be more like her, thereby giving her the message that she was not good enough.

Ashley’s dad, Tom, was an easygoing guy who generally aimed to please. He loved Ashley very much and gave her whatever she wanted, but did not comprehend what was going on with her psychologically. Tom did not like conflict and feared Ashley’s anger. When she went to college and pulled away, he worried that if they upset her, they could lose her and she might no longer want to come home or no longer want a relationship with them.

Ashley’s mom made remarkable progress in her own therapy during Ashley’s senior year of high school, propelled by motivation and willingness to be honest with herself. This progress was noticeable and quite important to Ashley. By taking explicit responsibility for her own mistakes as a mom, learning to accept and appreciate her daughter as she was, and acting as a supportive presence and guide, Laura played an important role in her daughter’s recovery and helped mend their relationship. Before Ashley went off to college Laura felt good about herself as a mom for the first time, and her relationship with her daughter became more solid than ever.

Once Ashley went off to school, however, Laura began to feel pushed away, and their relationship changed. Laura sacrificed so much to help Ashley and it now seemed to have been wasted effort. As she became aware of Ashley’s failures at school, she wondered whether her daughter was just a slacker, capable of doing better but manipulating the situation to get away with whatever she could. Feeling angry, defeated, and unappreciated, Laura commented that being a mom was a thankless and hopeless job. She wanted to give up and, pulling away in anger, she decided she would stand back and not do anything.

Psychologically Speaking

Laura took it personally when she felt her daughter pull away, becoming consumed by an emotional reaction which obstructed perspective on what was really happening. For all of us, executive functions go “offline” when we are triggered into dysregulated emotional states and overreaction. When this happens, our capacity to respond flexibly, think clearly, and react with good judgment is compromised. When the part of our brain that allows for reflection is deactivated by intense emotion (often originating from unprocessed experiences from our own childhood), instead of being thoughtful about how to respond to children’s needs, we are driven to react automatically and reflexively, as Laura did in her hurt and anger.

When a child’s distress is not taken seriously, and responded to appropriately by the parent, it can fuel an increasingly dangerous situation in which the child feels unconsciously compelled to continue “upping the ante” until the parent shows that they feel something empathically on the child’s behalf. Laura’s failure to recognize Ashley’s state of mind and step in to help led to her daughter’s continued escalation and deterioration, just like in high school when Ashley’s experience of not being “seen” in her pain perpetuated her self-destructiveness. During family therapy in high school, Ashley told her mom that she had felt out of control and driven to cut herself to produce physical evidence of her suffering – desperately hoping her mom would “get it.”

Another problem here was that when Laura was able to step back from her anger, she felt scared and helpless in the face of her daughter’s fragility. She feared that if she took action to set limits, Ashley would be forced to face the truth about her own limitations and might then want to kill herself. The truth was that Ashley was, of course, already aware – at least unconsciously – of her limitations and forced to be alone in it. She needed her parents or someone to step in and take charge.

Attempting to shield children from what they know intuitively to be true usually backfires, impeding the possibility of growth and causing them to feel shame, confusion, and aloneness. Projecting her own anxiety onto Ashley and colluding in a family-wide denial, Laura in effect reinforced Ashley’s sense of shame — and left her feeling unseen again.

Having the courage to face children’s limitations with them and offer help lends courage, builds coping skills, and is reassuring. Despite fears to the contrary, shame is actually decreased when parents are not afraid to face their children in a nonjudgmental way, and do not feel compelled to pretend or hide what is really going on.

Wait a minute, how can anything positive come from being shot by a stranger in the chest with a .38 caliber pistol?  Well, as Pennington points out, he was lucky. He didn’t die. The bullet missed his heart. In the ambulance to the hospital, he focused on breathing, relaxing, reassuring himself, and thinking positively.

Subsequently he realized that a series of very fortunate coincidences prevented him from being killed, which left him enlightened: “Why should I be in a miserable situation and be unhappy? Being in a miserable situation is bad enough.”

As Pennington points out, life is inevitably sad and full of unexpected tragedies. So rather than wallowing in misery, why not look for whatever good you can find and turn misfortune into benefit?

That is the general premise of this book and one that provokes knee-jerk cynicism as it brings to mind the many trite phrases mothers harped at us for years: look for a silver lining; look at the glass as half full; make lemons out of lemonade.  Yeah, yeah, all of these truisms were pretty annoying as a kid, but as you approach the age when your mother uttered these phrases, you’re hit by the truth: Mom was right.

In this very short, quick-read book, Pennington tells eight personal stories of experiences that could have shattered his physical, financial, and mental health. Yet he never let misfortune drag him down. He not only beat his problems, but pushed past all of the hurt and disappointment to better himself.  Each of these stories ends with a sort of parable—a lesson that readers can apply to their daily lives. 

Pennington strategically leaves his wife’s illness to the very end, because, as he admits, it is the hardest lesson. “I know it sounds insensitive and selfish for me to say this,” he writes. “But I have no doubt that I am a better man because of what I learned by living through the illness that took her life.” His wife, Claire, suffered from multiple sclerosis, and in light of her suffering, he came to realize that his problems were minuscule. In caring for her, Pennington learned to give freely and without expectations.

“If we can respond to others’ needs without expecting a reward in return, it is possible for us to receive a gift for our giving,” he writes. “We may find ourselves feeling an increased sense of usefulness or pride in a job well done.” It’s the Golden Rule.  As Mother might have said, Do unto others as you wish they’d do unto you. What gives this and other old homilies some relevance is that Pennington has actually lived through some fairly horrible times and recovered by using these principles.

On the other hand, it’s worth noting that Pennington was an executive coach and motivational speaker long before he wrote this book. In fact, immediately after he was shot (which occurred early in his career), he thought, this would make a great “signature story”–a story to spice up his lectures and grab the crowd’s attention. 

For this reason and more, this book largely feels as if Pennington packaged his lecture notes as another point of sale in the back of the lecture hall. The bullet points, the call-out boxes, the bold-faced lessons are dead giveaways. 

However, just because you know this, does it diminish Pennington’s overarching lesson? Well, I don’t think so. The author helps readers put tragedies and so-called tragedies into perspective and gives readers strategies to build a better life. “Whatever your next step might be, it doesn’t have to be earth shattering,” he writes. “It may not produce a dramatic change right away. But if you don’t take it, you will have missed new opportunities that you would not have discovered otherwise.”  Pennington’s words do seem wise—and if Mother were listening, she’d no doubt give a self-satisfied nod in agreement.

Find the Upside of the Down Times
By Dr. Rob Pennington
Resource International: May 20, 2011
Paperback, 125 pages
$17.95

With so many methods being touted, it seems reasonable to surmise that there are quite a few people in the world who are unhappy or dissatisfied with some aspect of their lives.  Relatively quick gratification or an easy fix seems to be the order of the day in the area of marketing the promise of life-transforming information. 

For those who are looking for lasting life change and are willing to devote what may be a great deal of emotional energy to it, Transform Your Life Now will guide you through that process.  The author suggests that various core emotional issues that may have taken hold in childhood could be responsible for some of adulthood’s challenges. With over 30 years of experience as a psychotherapist, Andrea J. Moses, M.S.W., is “dedicated to empowering people to make dramatic life changes,” and this book, her fourth, is continuing testament to that dedication.

Written in three parts – The Invisible Truth, Pulling Back the Curtains, and Transforming Your Life – Moses wastes no time in pointing out that you will have experienced many negative emotions as a child if you were treated in a less than loving way by either of your parents.  Experiences of anger, fear, shame, self-blame, self-hatred, or grief as a result of their being critical, judgmental, degrading, rejecting, or emotionally unavailable “will be as alive within your subconscious mind as if they happened yesterday.” 

Many examples are provided throughout the book of individuals who were mistreated as children and have faced challenges as adults, some of which may ring true for certain readers.  Moses is careful to be supportive and encouraging to those whose negative childhood experiences may surface while reading these stories as well as other possible situations presented illustratively.

Those who can relate to the theory that many challenges stem from the treatment they received in childhood may find the second part of the book to be where they really start to zero in on the emotions and challenges they are currently facing.  Beginning in the chapter “Longing for Love,” and reiterated throughout the book, Moses relates how the parent(s) of a person who was mistreated as a child were simply reversing the role of victim that they experienced as a child themselves.  One very descriptive statement she writes is “…emotionally wounded parents create emotionally wounded children – empty transmutes to empty.”

Moses developed a process called The Healing Dialogue over six years. It incorporates everything you will learn in Transform Your Life Now.  She states that this method is “consistently effective in opening up the inner communication between the conscious and subconscious mind so that healing can take place.” 

Within The Healing Dialogue, you will be asked to identify your core emotional issues, deprogram, and question your erroneous beliefs – those that were formed in childhood by your misinterpretation of the facts and from unmet survival needs.  You also will be asked to accept the challenge of letting go of the past, to heal your inner child, to forgive, to take back your power, and to align with love by connecting to your inner Self-Love and the “Universal Love Energy” surrounding you.

One aspect of the book that I found to be a bit awkward, from a reader’s perspective at least, was the frequent use of he/she, her/his, s/he, etc.  A shining example is, “But if I fix her/his problems and help her/him out, then s/he will be free to love me.”  While the message is delivered, it may interrupt the pace at which you normally read.  In fact, I found myself having to re-read portions because of it.

“The source of most problems you will have in your adult life will stem back to your unresolved negative feelings about experiences you will have had as a child.”  If you disagree with that viewpoint, you may have difficulty getting through the book.  Indeed, unless you read the first page of the first chapter before you purchase it, you will have no clue to the transformation method within its pages.  The title or back cover of the book gives no hint of the it-all-started-in-your-childhood point of view.  However, if you are in agreement that many of our issues as adults do indeed have their roots in childhood, then Transform Your Life Now will be a godsend in addressing them so that you can be “Who You Truly Are.” 

Transform Your Life Now
By Andrea J. Moses, MSW
Powerbase Media: June 14, 2011
Paperback, 254 pages
$24.95

The foreword is the only attempt Schubart makes at directly connecting the stories to one another.  Otherwise, each section is meant to stand on its own and represents a specific hardship of food addiction or obesity.  Since each story can function individually, it is easy to carry the book with you and read a section at a time.  In the foreword Schubart writes straight from his heart and explains his own struggle with eating habits and his weight.  He is charming, compassionate and first introduces himself as “a man of girth, overweight, fat… there I said it,” setting the scene for a brutally honest series of stories.

He is able to insert humor both in the foreword and in the stories without allowing that to saturate the fact that what he’s about to unfold is deeply sad. 

For the rest of the stories, though, he essentially removes himself and he resists any inclination you might expect from the author of a book like this to start giving dieting advice.  This makes the stories far more powerful, as the meanings and suffering in them are left to echo in your head.  He simply dedicates this book to “all those for whom food is a friend, an enemy, a compulsion, a joy.”

You should be warned, though, that despite how tender he is in writing, he makes no attempt to shield the reader from any of the hard-to-face truths.  Do not look to this book as a fast-track to comfort and inspiration. 

Eventually, this book can lead you there, but not in the way you may expect.  Instead of high-energy motivational speeches, Schubart examines the depths of a food addiction and all the infinite ways that it can become a part of a person’s life.  He does this solely though telling stories—and rarely steps out of the story to consciously instruct you.  He leaves the lessons up to you to reflect on and draw your own conclusions from.

I respect his approach to food addiction in this book because it mimics the way the addiction functions in the world.  Unlike other addictions, it can never be completely extracted from a person’s life or body, which makes the process of fighting it infinitely harder. It also makes it harder to identify the addiction because it is a necessary part of life.  It is far easier to notice that a drug is taking over your life, since it is not readily presented to you in café windows and served to you when you visit someone’s home. 

These stories are intricately intertwined with the story of a person’s life and Schubart focuses his attention there. Where other books would focus on the more regimented steps for getting help, this focuses on the stories of people who have suffered. 

The stories seemed disjointed at first—not because the ultimate connection isn’t obvious, but because Schubart writes beautiful prose that makes you deeply care about the characters and it is sad to see them not reappear in later chapters.  Once I accepted this, I was able to get into the rhythm of the book and liked how different the stories were. 

Some characters are presented upfront with their addiction and then Schubart takes you through the pain of living with it.  For example, one man’s story involves hiding his addiction from his wife and small child, who consistently worry about this health and try to monitor his eating habits.  Other characters’ stories begin with introductions that explain, and in many ways justifies, their resulting addictions, as Schubart leads you through histories of neglect and abuse.  One of his most compelling stories is a simple narration of the behaviors of an overweight woman he notices on a train.  His attention to her is so keen, only someone who has been in her shoes could truly capture the experience. 

He tells stories in both third person and first, of men and women, single and married, younger and older, but there is one common line: their suffering.  It is clear and poignant as a step on the road to recovery because it creates a safe environment for others to begin thinking about their own story.  In addition to this, it is a deserving piece of fiction and a heartbreaking collection anyone can connect with and learn a personal lesson from.

Fat People
By Bill Schubart
Magic Hill LLC: November 11, 2011
Paperback, 214 pages
$15

Collins, a former sex addict, is founder and director of Compulsion Solutions, an outpatient counseling service in the San Francisco Bay Area specializing in the treatment of men suffering from sexually compulsive behavior.  He is recognized as an expert on sexually compulsive behavior.  I find his book to be an excellent guide on ending sex addiction as it provides techniques that give intimacy to the reader’s true self and thus intimacy with others.

While Collins specializes in the counseling of sexually addictive men, his clients have included people of all sexual orientations.  For the sake of simplicity, his book is directed to heterosexual males, but as he points out, his techniques work for almost anyone.  As Collins notes, the ideas underlying his techniques can be applied with any sort of addictive behavior.  Early on, Collins points out a crucial fact about addiction, “ . . . that you can’t get enough of what won’t satisfy you! Objectifying and sexualizing people is a never-ending, negative process that yields a few minutes of excitement, a brief orgasm, then hours, days, weeks, months, and years of fear, pain, shame, self-doubt, self-criticism, judgement, and anger.”  Collins provides a collection of methods that support each other by challenging both the addiction as well as those inner voices that give rise to these negative feelings.

Collins forms the basis of his techniques as the differentiation between an individual’s true essence and the repetitive stories that the individual’s mind tells. These inner voices, or subpersonalities, Collins notes, are a normal part of the human psyche that shape the perception of oneself.  Since, however, they are not the essence of an individual’s true nature, they can be changed.  Collins quotes Eckhart Tolle, in The Power of Now, “Your mind is an instrument, a tool.  It is there to be used for a specific task, and when the task is completed, you lay it down.  As it is, I would say about 80 to 90 percent of most people’s thinking is not only repetitive and useless, but because of its dysfunctional and often negative nature, much of it is also harmful. Observe your mind and you will find this to be true.” Collins provides techniques for individuals to gain greater awareness of their own inner stories, giving them the ability to rewrite them.  While the utility of the mind is important to realize, Collins helps readers to set it aside and to live in the present moment.  As Collins writes, “Your real addiction is to your mind.”

Collins introduces his techniques by asking his readers to imagine themselves in the center of a personal amphitheater with the lights turned off.  The person standing in the center of the amphitheater is one’s self and the voices heard in the amphitheater telling one to check out new porn, visit a prostitute or repeat the typical addictive cycle are understood to be the addictive subpersonalities.   As Collins notes, these repetitive and dysfunctional stories and the personal behavior that results often seems automatic, but they are not.  By using the technique of having individuals “turn on the lights” in their amphitheater, identify, confront and reason with the voices, their stories and thus subpersonalities can be changed. 

Through the use of journaling and consciously directing these stories an addict begins to recognize “what’s always true,”  that one always has a choice.  By thus having individuals identify with the silent and true essence of their selves, rather than with the stories told in their mind, Collins points the way toward freedom from sex addiction.  As he writes, “When everything you do is fresh and you’re no longer living in reaction to your history, there are no preconceived notions, no story.  Your life will be different.”

While he refers to masters from Roberto Assagioli to Ken Wilber, George Collins has written a book that is, as he writes, “. . .not just based on what he read,” but based, perhaps more importantly, on his own previous experience as a sex addict as well as his successful counseling of sex addicts.  His book is well written, clearly based on deep principles, but written in a manner that anyone can pick up and make use of.  His inclusion of many techniques, from The Blonde in the Beemer: What to Do When You’re Out of Control to How Good Can You Stand It? Connecting with Yourself and Others shows that Collins understands the difficult, human process involved in breaking free from the cycle of sexual obsession. 

Through his own difficult personal experience and his later expertise in counseling Collins provides an excellent guide.  He satisfies his stated goal of helping his readers break the cycle of an unsatisfying life of sexually compulsive behavior and through the intimate connections they find with others make their life better.  Breaking the Cycle: Free Yourself from Sex Addiction, Porn Obsession and Shame is highly recommended.

Breaking the Cycle: Free Yourself from Sex Addiction, Porn Obsession and Shame
George N. Collins, MA with Andrew Adleman, MA
New Harbinger Publications: October 1, 2011
Paperback, 224 pages
$17.95

Unhealthy responsibility is not about being too loving or too giving. You can be very supportive and generous to others and still be responsibly healthy. Unhealthy responsibility for others comes into play when you start believing that you are responsible for controlling how other people react when you say ‘no.’

The ‘no’ could be something minor or something major. It could be your saying to your girlfriend ‘no, I don’t want to go out to dinner tonight,’ or saying to your child ‘no, you can’t have an iPhone,’ or saying to your mother, ‘no, we’re not coming at Christmas this year,’ or saying to your spouse, ‘no, I don’t want to be married to you anymore.’ These ‘no’s’ may bring a range of reactions, from ‘sure, no problem’, to ‘I hate you,’ to ‘if you divorce me I will make your life hell forever.’

But ask yourself: Does it make sense for you to be responsible for how others react to your ‘no’? Let’s explore this idea. Imagine if your neighbor knocked on your door and told you that he is so hurt and upset whenever you close your blinds that he is going to throw a rock through your window every time he sees the blinds are closed. What’s more, he says, it will be your fault for shutting him out like that.

If you agree with his logic, you are in a bind. You can leave your blinds open and feel uncomfortable and unsafe in your own home, or you can close your blinds and be the one to blame if you get rocks thrown through your window.

Ridiculous, isn’t it? But that is exactly the crazy distortion about responsibility that you might get pulled into within your relationships. Breaking your patterns of unhealthy responsibility means challenging those distortions and becoming clear about what is your job, and what is NOT your job:

It is your job to decide when to say no.

It is your job to say no when it reflects your careful consideration of your own needs and the needs of others. For example, your thoughts may be that ‘I don’t want to go to Christmas at my mother’s, and neither do my children, but my mother wants us there. This year I’ll say no, and then perhaps next year I’ll say yes.’

It is your job to say ‘no’ in a direct but kind manner.

‘I deeply appreciate the invitation for Christmas, but we are not going to be coming this year.’

It is your job to listen to your mother plead her case and to carefully consider her preferences, such as if she says ‘this year is important to me because it is the last year in this house.’

If this is new information, you may reconsider your decision in light of these facts. If it is not new information, or if you still want to say ‘no,’ then it is your job to say ‘I understand your preference, but we are not coming this year.’

It is your job to listen to your mother’s reaction and interpretation of this ‘no.’

‘I guess you just can’t be bothered with your mother anymore,’ she might say. It is your job to then clarify your own feelings: ‘I do love and care about you, but I also am not coming to Christmas this year.’

It is your job, in the case of telling your child ‘no’, to help him or her to learn strategies to manage their reactions to getting ‘no’ for an answer.

It is your job to get the support that you need to take care of yourself emotionally and physically, and protect your children, if and when there is danger from a person reacting badly to a ‘no’.

At that point in time, it is time to let go.

In the example of telling your mother ‘no’, she might be angry and hurt. She may choose to never invite you to Christmas again. She may decide to drink herself into an alcohol stupor. She may decide to tell your siblings how awful you are. But none of this is your responsibility. The way she interprets your ‘no,’ and the choices she makes following your ‘no,’ are not your responsibility. Instead, it is your job to let go of that responsibility.

Letting go is hard. It is painful to have to deal with someone you love being angry with you. It is painful when someone you love is in pain. It is painful to watch someone you love make destructive choices. It is scary to let go of trying to control their reactions.

If you continue to feel responsible for how others react to your ‘no,’ however, you are agreeing to be a part of an unhealthy relationship that is based in distorted concepts of responsibility. Your only hope for a healthy relationship is to continue to work toward breaking your own patterns of unhealthy responsibility.

Fortunately for those who want to transform unhealthy responsibility into healthy responsibility, there are internal signals that alert you when you are possibly falling prey to misconceptions about responsibility. Two of those signals are guilt and resentment. Guilt and resentment often reflect an anxiety around saying no that comes from feeling responsible for the other person’s reaction. When you feel guilt and resentment, you have an opportunity to reflect on whether you are fulfilling your responsibilities in saying ‘no.’ If so, you must try, try, try, to … let go.

Don’t be discouraged if you can’t change your patterns of unhealthy responsibility quickly. While the idea of saying no and letting go may be simple, carrying it out in real life is messy, sticky, and confusing. But with some motivation, some work, and support, it can be done, and the liberation and strength you gain along the way can help fuel your process forward.

The whole idea of loving one’s body, however, is confusing. What does it even mean to love your body? One day, as I walked our dog around the block, it hit me. Loving our bodies is a lot like loving a dog:

1. Loving our bodies means placing respect, value and importance on physical needs for regular nourishment, fresh air, motion, and touch. Just as neglecting to value these needs is a complete rejection of a dog, it is also a complete rejection of our bodies.

2. Loving our bodies means investing time and energy into building a nonverbal, unique, and ever-evolving relationship. Like dogs, each of our bodies has its own particular needs and preferences that change over time, but does not have words to communicate those needs. As a result, figuring out what our bodies need takes ongoing relationship-building, with patience and attention.
3. Loving our bodies means recognizing that they live in the moment. This means that we have to be the ‘big’ brain for them – the ones who see the big picture and anticipate consequences of choices. Just as we would not let our dog eat two pounds of raw cookie dough, we sometimes must differentiate between our bodies’ momentary wants and its true needs, and may have to say no to some of our body’s desires.
4. Loving our bodies means exerting control through respect and cooperation. Neither dogs nor bodies just do what we tell them to. We need to have realistic expectations and then give them the support, consistency, and guidance to reach those expectations. When they do not ‘behave,’ it’s not that they are bad. It is that we haven’t properly supported them toward those behaviors, or that we have unrealistic expectations.
5. Loving our bodies means accepting that they are what they are. No matter how little a Great Dane eats, it will never be a Chihuahua. No matter how much exercise a Chihuahua gets, it will never be a Great Dane. We can either accept that our body is basically a certain shape and size, and become the healthiest of our ‘breed,’ or we can live in continual denial of reality and frustration with our bodies.
6. Loving our bodies means being patient with the time it takes to adjust to different routines and unfamiliar surroundings. Just as a dog is uneasy with change, so are our bodies – even if it’s a ‘good’ or fun change. During and after transitions, we must be supportive and gentle with our bodies.
7. Loving our bodies means accepting that all bodies, like all dogs, have physical impurities, imperfections, and messy parts. Our bodies are not perfect or pure. Basing our sense of self-worth on whether we are physically perfect or pure is as ridiculous as seeing our dog as bad for having an asymmetrical face, hip dysplasia, or bad breath in the morning. Similarly, trying to make our bodies pure or perfect through extremely restrictive diets or chronic use of plastic surgery is as misguided and potentially dangerous as it would be for a dog.
8. Loving our bodies means being trying our best not to use them as whipping posts for our anger about other things in our lives. Just as a bad day or feeling bad about ourselves may lead us to become annoyed with our dog (just for being a dog!), we also may focus our anger and frustration onto our bodies, blaming them for all that ails us. This is unfair and damaging.
9. Loving our bodies means getting back what we put in. Just as our dog repays us with loyalty and vitality when we care for its needs, our bodies reflect the care that we invest in them. The more we provide a balanced life for our bodies, the more balanced, calm, steady, and reliable our bodies will be for us.
10. Loving our bodies means doing what we can to care for them, while also recognizing that there are limits to our ability to protect them. Like a dog, our bodies get sick even when we try our best to take care of them. They also never live long enough, age in sudden jumps, and die before we are ready to let go.

Most of us were never taught anything about how to love our bodies. A lot of us are lost in a sea of media and social pressures to look a certain way and conflicting and unrealistic ‘expert’ advice about how to be healthy and disease-free. When you model and teach these basics of a healthy body relationship to your children, it can be an important part of helping them (and you!) to move toward sustainable health and wellbeing. And even if your teen rolls his or her eyes and continues to complain about fat thighs or narrow shoulders, or refuses to get off the couch and take a walk, be assured that you are doing what you can to embed the seeds of body respect into your child’s psyche, and that at some point those seeds will bloom.

In fact, a secure attachment underlies the strongest relationships. And both partners in such relationships tend to feel “calm, connected, centered and safe,” according to clinical psychologist Lisa Blum, PsyD, who specializes in Emotionally Focused Therapy and leads workshops for couples with her colleague Silvina Irwin, Ph.D. Also, a secure attachment helps partners as individuals, too. ““Good secure bonding helps you be bolder in the world and feel more empowered,” Blum said.

Founded by Drs. Sue Johnson and Les Greenberg, emotionally focused therapy or EFT draws on attachment theory, which asserts that humans are hardwired for strong emotional bonds with others. According to EFT, couples have relationship problems when they’ve “experienced emotional disconnection with their partner at key moments, which then leads to struggles” with negative cycles of criticism and anger (among other emotions and reactions). Therefore, the aim of EFT is to help couples overcome these negative cycles, re-establish their connection, and strengthen their emotional bond.

Research has shown that EFT is highly effective. “Seven out of 10 distressed couples [who seek EFT] show marked improvement, move out of distress and stay there,” Blum said. (The International Center for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy website lists several noted research publications.)

What It Means To Be Securely Attached

A secure attachment signifies a successful relationship. So what does a securely attached couple look like? According to Blum, both partners in a secure relationship are able to tune into, identify and accept their own emotions and needs. They’re able to recognize when they’re feeling disconnected and distant from their partner and to speak candidly about their needs and emotions.

Take the example of a wife who’s working on several big projects at work, which take her away from home more and more. Her husband understands and supports his wife. The first week he’s perfectly OK with the situation. The next week, though, he starts to get uncomfortable. By the third week, he’s angry and “prickly toward her.” At this point, he considers his feelings and behaviors. He realizes that he’s feeling lonely and like work has become his wife’s number one priority over him. He’s able to tune into his feelings, identify them and accept them, Blum said.

(On a side note, many people, especially men, feel ashamed about feeling lonely or needing their partner. Again, there’s an expectation in our society that we shouldn’t need anyone. But remember that we’re hardwired for closeness. So don’t put yourself down for these thoughts and reactions.)

Trust is another part of a secure relationship. Both partners must be able to reach out to each other and trust that they’ll respond sensitively. Again, take the above example. The husband knows that when he talks to his wife about his feelings, she will care and listen to his needs and feelings. He’ll be able to be vulnerable with her and reveal that he misses her and ask her to make more time for their relationship.

In response, the wife may apologize and thank her husband for being honest. She also might suggest they hire a babysitter and enjoy a night out. In other words, she responds compassionately and appreciates that he can articulate his needs and emotions. As a result, he’s then comforted by her response and able to move on. So after such a conversation or series of talks, “the bond is restored and strengthened,” Blum said.

For many couples, the interaction goes awry when one partner becomes angry at having to ask for attention or care. And one or both of them “puts on the armor,” as Blum calls it. Instead of discussing their concerns and needs, they lash out. For instance, the husband in the above example might’ve said: “You haven’t been around for weeks. I’m taking care of the kids and you have yet to thank me. Do you think you don’t have a family anymore?”

Before deciding a child is a discipline problem, it’s very important to rule out medical issues. I’ll never forget a particularly squirmy and whiny toddler who had developed a gross habit of picking at his bum and smearing his poop on the floor. His mom was at her wit’s end. Sensing something was physically amiss, I referred her back to her pediatrician. The result? A diagnosis of a serious case of pinworms. No wonder the kid was out of control!

Barring medical issues, though, and before considering psychiatric ones (such as ADHD), let’s consider why any child would be so emotionally needy that she constantly makes bids for extra attention, even at the expense of adult disapproval and negative consequences.

One of my teachers, Rudolf Dreikurs, used to say that children need attention like a plant needs sun and water. Mother Nature does her best to make sure both plants and our little ones get what they need. Little children are designed to get adult attention. Watch what happens when adults meet the new baby in the family. His little face and cute little fingers and toes make adults fuss over him and even compete to hold him. His cries bring his mother running. His little coos and smiles keep her engaged.

By trial and error, growing children figure out what makes adults continue to give them attention and what drives them away. Since they are dependent on us, they do everything they can to get the love and nurturance they need. Usually their early experience shows them that when they are well-behaved, when they learn new skills, and when they are happy, they pull adults closer. When the adults react with interest, affection and approval, the children strive to please, to copy the big people, to grow in their social and practical skills, and to find a positive place in their family.

But when children consistently can’t get a response, they get desperate. Abandonment threatens a child’s emotional and physical survival. Lacking enough positive interaction, a child will develop negative tactics to re-engage the adults. Being scolded, nagged, reminded, and punished is far better than being ignored. By finding ways to be personally addressed by an exasperated or angry adult, the child makes sure that at least he isn’t forgotten.

Few parents set out to deprive their children of enough parental contact. But many parents are overscheduled, working too hard, or in distress themselves. Parents who weren’t parented well when they were young may not fully appreciate how much their children need their time and attention. And sometimes it’s a matter of temperament. Some children just need more interaction than others. This can be especially challenging to a parent who by nature doesn’t need as much connection as their child does.

Even though they’re doing the best they can, parents who are overwhelmed by the job may inadvertently create a situation where the kids have no choice but to misbehave to ensure a connection. When it’s a matter of mismatched temperaments that causes the distance, the child’s desperate attempts to engage can make the relationship even more difficult. Spilling the milk, fighting with a sibling, or pitching a tantrum may not get love and snuggles but these antics certainly get the adults involved.

What To Do About an Attention-Seeking Child

Children who are attention-seeking have a legitimate need. It’s our job to teach them how to get it in a legitimate way.

The first question to ask ourselves is whether the child has a point. Is he showing us by his behavior that we’re not involved enough? It’s easy to get so caught up with work, chores, activities, and responsibilities that we don’t spend enough time specifically interacting with our children. A shocking statistic is that the average American child only gets 3.5 minutes a day of uninterrupted individual attention from her parents! When that’s the case, the child doesn’t need discipline so much as the parents need to reorder priorities.

Parents who were themselves neglected, who are temperamentally more distant, or who are struggling with mental illness need to work to overcome their own issues for the sake of their children’s psychological welfare. Little kids need to be cuddled, played with, talked to, read to, and tucked in at night to be emotionally secure and strong. Big kids need their folks to share activities and meaningful conversations, to attend their events, and, yes, to give them hugs and pats on the back.

When children are getting plenty of parental juice but are still misbehaving, they have somehow misunderstood what they need to do to engage others. Then some remedial work needs to be done. It comes down to these not-so-easy steps:

1. Catch them being good. Give attention for appropriate behavior. Look for opportunities to make a positive comment, to pat a child on the shoulder, to share an activity, and to have a conversation. Fill up the attention hole with good stuff as many times a day as you can. Surely we can all do better than that 3.5 minute daily average!

2. Ignore the misbehavior but not the child. When the child misbehaves, resist the temptation to lecture, nag, scold, yell, or punish. Negative reactions will only keep the negative interaction going. Instead, simply quietly send her to timeout (no more than one minute per year of age). The less talking about the misbehavior, the better. When the time’s up, invite her to come back to join the family. Give her reassurance that you know she can behave now. Then find a way to engage with her positively for at least a few minutes before moving on. The same principle holds for older kids. If they won’t take a timeout, you can. Withdraw, take a breath, and make a rational decision about appropriate consequences. Institute the consequence without drama and re-engage positively. (see here).

3. Be consistent. It’s the only way children know we mean what we say.

4. Repeat. Repeat until the child gets it. Repeat whenever misbehavior is more than a momentary lapse. Repeat more than you think should be necessary. Do it until it becomes a pattern of interaction in your family’s life.

It’s normal to need attention from others. In fact, it’s a fundamental human need. Kids who are secure in the knowledge that the adults in their lives are interested in them don’t need to act up — at least most of the time. (Everyone can have an off-day now and then.) By filling them up with love and attention and by consistently redirecting negative behaviors, we can help our children learn how to get and give the positive attention that is fundamental to healthy relationships. Not surprisingly, when we parents are so positively connected to our children, we benefit too.

According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, in the United States, 1.3 million women and 830,000 men are assaulted each year by people they believe love them. In a 2005 survey, the Centers for Disease Control found that 1 in 4 women and 1 in 9 men are victims of domestic violence at some point.

It goes on in teen couples as well as in adult relationships. One study found that 1 in 5 high school girls reported being physically or sexually abused by a dating partner. Another study of teen dating behavior found that 3 out of 5 teens say they’ve had a boyfriend or girlfriend who made them feel bad or embarrassed about themselves.

Victims often don’t complain. Their partners may have instilled such fear in them that they don’t dare say anything. Or, they have become so inured to the manipulation and violence that they don’t recognize they are victims. Sadly, it is often only when someone has become seriously hurt or has an emotional breakdown that friends, family members, or professionals even realize what is going on.

Things are getting better. Since the 1994 passage of the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA), there has been increased awareness of the problem. More proactive measures are being taken to identify and help victims. It’s now common for medical professionals to ask people if anyone is hurting them as part of a routine physical as well as when someone is injured. School counselors, nurses, and teachers are becoming educated to the signs that a child is being traumatized or hurt and are taking steps to intervene. Mental health counselors are more sensitive to the issue and more sophisticated in encouraging their patients to talk about what they’d rather not talk about.

But we have a long way to go. In this year’s proclamation, President Obama noted that

“[... t]he ramifications of domestic violence are staggering. Young women are among the most vulnerable, suffering the highest rates of intimate partner violence. Exposure to domestic violence puts our young men and women in danger of long-term physical, psychological, and emotional harm. Children who experience domestic violence are at a higher risk for failure in school, emotional disorders, and substance abuse, and are more likely to perpetuate the cycle of violence themselves later in life.”

Often the abuser doesn’t understand that his or her behavior is in fact abusive. Raised in a family where abuse was business as usual, they don’t recognize their manipulative or overt efforts to control others as abnormal. Not having been brought up in a loving and secure family, they don’t know how to be secure and comfortable in their partner’s love.

When things go well, all is well. But when angered or threatened by real or imagined slights, they lose it – just as they watched the adults of the previous generation lose it. Some are then remorseful and apologetic. They mean well. They want to do better than was done to them. But they can’t hold onto their good intentions when upset. Unfortunately, it doesn’t take much to upset them.

The Cycle of Violence

The victims are on the other side of this interaction. Sometimes the buildup of psychological and verbal abuse is subtle and gradual. Over time, the person they love undermines their self-esteem and makes them feel more and more dependent. The victim really doesn’t see it coming.

In other cases, the victim comes from a long history of childhood victimization. Like most people, she or he was drawn to the familiar when drawn to a mate. For them, being yelled at, put down, coerced into sex or taken advantage of is just more of the same.

This is what is meant by the “cycle of violence.” With somewhere between 3.3 and 10 million children witnessing some form of domestic violence every year, it’s understandable that many of those kids learn to accept abuse as normal.” The pattern of abuser/victim is thus bumped from generation to generation. Unless someone in the family gets angry enough or desperate enough to call in help, or unless someone outside the family intervenes, the behaviors continue to the detriment of the individuals involved and to society as a whole. Violence in families is linked to high rates of substance abuse and addictions, mental illness, suicides, and sexual acting out as well as criminal behaviors.

The cycle of violence can be stopped.

The cycle of violence can be stopped. Victims can be helped to find the strength to seek and accept protection, advice, and practical help from their local shelters and mental health clinics. Abusers can learn how to appropriately express anger and how to be loving partners by attending programs for partners against violence or therapy. Couples can learn how to be loving and supportive partners and parents through couples counseling and parent education classes. And children of abusive relationships can be healed when their parents get themselves and the children into treatment.

When domestic violence is known in an extended family or in a network of friends, there is no such thing as being an innocent bystander. To know about abuse and do nothing is to enable and support it. Family, friends, and professionals who are concerned about a family can and should help them face the issues and get the help they need.

Anyone can become a member of the purple ribbon campaign to help stop the cycle of family violence. To learn how to increase awareness in your community, contact the international organization by clicking here. Even wearing a purple ribbon or putting one on your car helps stop the silence that surrounds domestic violence and lends support to the millions of people who are grappling with the problem.

Resources

Victims who need help and support to stay safe can call the national Resource Center on Domestic Violence at 800-537-2238 or visit their website.

S.A.F.E. concentrates on domestic violence against straight men, gay men, and lesbians.

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