It’s true. Research shows that half of all couples will experience infidelity in their relationship. Reasons for affairs are many and complicated and outside the full scope of this article. But there are many common factors that can contribute to affairs, and many ways to recover your relationship after an affair. (For poly or open couples, consider an affair to be the bringing in of a third party without mutual consent.)

What Creates Fertile Grounds for Affairs?

Just like a garden, relationships need to be nurtured and tended. All too often, the garden of our relationship is left unattended; weeds grow and plants die due to lack of water and sun (i.e., care and attention). It is all too easy, especially in child-centered families, for partners to focus on the practicalities of child care to the exclusion of their relationship.

Parents be warned: The seeds for a future affair can all too easily be sown in the early stages of starting a family. Neglecting your partner and your relationship for the sake of the children does not create a happy family. It creates emotional instability, especially if you or your partner start looking to fulfill your emotional needs outside the relationship. Make sure to devote some time to your relationship, too. Your children will be happier and more secure if they see parents who have a strong, loving bond, even if this means the kids don’t always get to come first.

It is also easy, especially in long-term relationships, for couples with or without children to start taking each other for granted or fall into the rut of routine. While there is comfort in structure and predictability, you don’t want to let your relationship become stagnant. Affairs are often a misguided way to seek excitement and aliveness. Unfortunately, having an affair will take you away from your primary relationship rather than toward it. In effect, you are starting a new garden somewhere else and leaving your current garden to wither in the dark. Make the effort occasionally to do something fun and different together. Why? It creates intimacy and brings growth and vitality to your relationship. As with gardening, you want to add fertilizer and occasionally turn the soil so that your plants and flowers will flourish.

Still, you could follow all the above suggestions and tend the garden of your relationship with much care and love, only to encounter the threat of an affair springing up like weeds. As Shirley Glass warns: “A happy marriage is not a vaccine against infidelity.”

To really vaccinate your relationship against affairs, Glass recommends the following guidelines. While some might find them too restrictive—and, as one lesbian couple complained, “too hetero” and another poly couple pointed out, “way too monogamous”—it is worth having them as a reference point. In the guidelines below, poly couples may want to replace the word marriage with primary relationship, but be warned: this list is definitely pro-monogamy.

7 Tips for Preventing Infidelity

1. Maintain appropriate walls and windows. Keep the windows opened at home. Put up privacy walls with those who could threaten your marriage.
2. Recognize that work can be a danger zone. Don’t lunch or take private coffee breaks with the same person all the time. When you travel with a coworker, meet in public rooms, not a room with a bed.
3. Avoid emotional intimacy with attractive alternatives to your committed relationship. Resist the desire to rescue an unhappy soul who pours his or her heart out to you.
4. Protect your marriage by discussing relationship issues at home. If you do need to talk to someone else about your marriage, be sure that person is a friend of your marriage. If the friend disparages marriage, respond with something positive about your own relationship.
5. Keep old flames from reigniting. If a former lover is coming to a class reunion, invite your partner to come along. If you value your marriage, think twice about having lunch alone with an old flame. (This may be unrealistic in the lesbian community, as exes are so often part of one’s community and even friendship circle.)
6. Don’t go over the line when online with Internet friends. Discuss your online friendships with your partner and show him or her your e-mail if he or she is interested. Invite your partner to join in correspondence so your Internet friends won’t get any wrong ideas. Don’t exchange sexual fantasies online.
7. Make sure your social network is supportive of your marriage. Surround yourself with friends who are happily married and who don’t believe in fooling around.

Let’s look at the worst-case scenario. You or your partner has an affair. How can you help your relationship recover?

The basis of Red Flags is that some people—more than we typically assume—are sociopaths, and if we are not careful to educate ourselves about their potential dangers, we are all capable of being victims of, as Andersen calls it, love fraud.

Andersen is quick to caution that the word “sociopath” is not meant in a formal sense, as a medical professional might use it. It is instead used “as a generic description for a social predator, someone who lives his or her life by exploiting others.” Although Andersen does provide a solid amount of psychological background on sociopaths, the fact that she uses the word in a way in which it is not supposed to be used is rather curious. By painting overly broad strokes, Andersen runs the risk of oversimplifying and writing in absolute terms when doing so is inappropriate.

As Andersen writes: “Sociopaths are male, female, old, young, well-groomed, disheveled. They come in all shapes and sizes.” In this way, it is frustrating that Andersen chose to cast the term that is the basis of her thesis as something of a catchall.

This is not to devalue the merits of Andersen’s book. While her subject is not widely known, it is indeed interesting and worthy of analysis. That said, when dealing with a subject that is so psychologically complex, it is counterintuitive to make the foundation so simplistic.

There are a lot of good things in Red Flags. Often, though, general themes and ideas are restated in different ways, and the same advice and wisdom is recycled. Again, what is said is certainly interesting and noteworthy, but the constant restating diminishes the impact of the ideas and negates some of their legitimacy. It’s not so much what is said that falters, but how it is said.

Along these lines, another criticism of Red Flags is its implicitly anti-male tone. Admittedly, Andersen does cite a statistic that men are three times more likely to be sociopaths than are women, and, as evidenced by the quotation above, she does concede that women, too, can be sociopaths. But of the numerous examples Andersen includes throughout the book, only a handful portrays a woman as the sociopath instead of a man.

Moreover, of the almost 250 pages, Andersen spends only two discussing female sociopaths. Despite the fact that men are statistically more likely to be sociopaths than are women, it would have been prudent to dedicate more text and examples to women being the predator. To not do so comes off as a something of a covert attack on men.

Despite these criticisms, it must be noted that Red Flags does provide some useful information. Through her website, Andersen has heard from and communicated with thousands of people who were, like she, victims of love fraud. And in the modern age in which we live, many of these relationships were started through online dating websites. Andersen writes:

Because of its global outreach and anonymity, the Internet is custom-tailored for social predators. It offers an endless supply of potential victims, so the hunt is simply a numbers game. Sociopaths register on multiple dating sites simultaneously. They randomly friend people on Facebook. They just keep baiting their hooks until someone bites.

Anonymity is a core characteristic of the Internet. When communicating via the web, you never really know with whom you are talking, and sociopaths use this to their advantage, pretending to be anybody they want.

Approximately one in five relationships is started through online dating. With the medium continuously gaining popularity and appeal, Andersen is right to caution against blind faith in it. While online dating is without question a useful—and for some, necessary—tool, it should be approached with a certain level of caution, especially when someone whom one is talking to fits Andersen’s bill of a sociopath.

Although Red Flags of Love Fraud is perhaps not as academic as it should be, it is nonetheless informative. It is certainly flawed, but it is also prescient: Considering how many people are victims of love fraud, not nearly enough are aware of its realities. Andersen’s book is a good first step.

Red Flags of Love Fraud — 10 Signs You’re Dating a Sociopath
By Donna Andersen
Anderly: June 11, 2012
Paperback, 246 pages
$19.95

Usually women complain about emotionally unavailable men. Yet many women aren’t aware they’re emotionally unavailable, too. When you get hooked on someone else who is (think Carrie Bradshaw and Mr. Big), your problem is disguised as his. This keeps you in denial of your own unavailability.

There are several types of unavailability, both temporary and chronic. Some people have always been unavailable due to mental illness or a troubled childhood. Others temporarily make something a higher priority than a relationship, such as a family obligation, education, project, or a health concern. People recently divorced or widowed may temporarily not be ready to get involved with someone new. In the middle are those who are too afraid to risk falling in love because they’ve been hurt by one or more relationships, which may include being hurt by a parent when they were a child. Often these different reasons for unavailability overlap, and it’s difficult to ascertain whether the problem is chronic or will pass.

If you’re looking for a close, committed relationship, a person living in another state, or who is married or still in love with someone else is not going to be there for you. Similarly, addicts, including workaholics, are unavailable because their addiction is the priority and it controls them. Still, some people give the appearance of availability and speak openly about their feelings and their past. You don’t realize until you’re already in a relationship that they’re unable to really connect emotionally or make a commitment.

10 Signs of Someone Unavailable Emotionally

Here’s a list of more subtle red flags that may signal unavailability, especially when several add up. They apply to both genders. Following them are questions to ask yourself to find out whether you’re ready for a committed relationship.

1. Flirting with flattery. Men who are too flattering may also be adept listeners and communicators, like snake charmers. Often good at short-term intimacy, some lure with self-disclosure and vulnerability, but they prefer the chase to the catch.

2. Control. Someone who won’t be inconvenienced to modify his or her routine. Typically, commitment phobics are inflexible and loathe compromises. Relationships revolve around them.

3. Listen. Your date may hint or even admit that he or she isn’t good at relationships or doesn’t believe in or isn’t ready for marriage. Listen to these negative facts and believe them. Ignore vulnerability, bragging, and compliments.

4. The past. Find out if the person has had a long-term relationship and why it ended. You may learn that prior relationships ended at the stage when intimacy normally develops.

5. Perfection seekers. These people look for and find a fatal flaw in the opposite sex and then move on. The problem is that they’re scared of intimacy. When they can’t find imperfection, their anxiety rises. Given time, they will find an excuse to end the relationship. Don’t be tempted to believe you’re better than their past partners.

6. Anger. Notice rudeness to waiters and others, revealing pent-up rage. This type of person is demanding and probably emotionally abusive.

7. Arrogance. Avoid someone who brags and acts cocky, signaling low self-esteem. It takes confidence to be intimate and committed.

8. Lateness. Chronic lateness is inconsiderate, and can also indicate the person is avoiding a relationship, but don’t assume that punctuality means he or she’s a catch.

9. Invasiveness or evasiveness. Secrecy, evasiveness, or inappropriate questions too soon about money or sex, for example, indicate a hidden agenda and unwillingness to allow a relationship to unfold. Conversely, someone may conceal his or her past due to shame, which may create an obstacle to getting close.

10. Seduction. Beware of sexual cues given too early. Seducers avoid authenticity because they don’t believe they’re enough to keep a partner. Once the relationship gets real, they’ll sabotage it. Seduction is a power play and about conquest.

Most people reveal their emotional availability early on. Pay attention to the facts, especially if there’s mutual attraction. Even if the person seems to be Mr. or Mrs. Right, yet is emotionally unavailable, you’re left with nothing but pain. If you overlook, deny, or rationalize to avoid short-term disappointment, you run the risk of enduring long-term misery.

10 Questions to Ask Yourself

Be honest with yourself about your own availability.

• Are you angry at the opposite sex? Do you like jokes at their expense? If so, you may need to heal from past wounds before you’re comfortable getting close to someone.
• Do you make excuses to avoid getting together?
• Do you think you’re so independent you don’t need anyone?
• Do you fear falling in love because you may get hurt?
• Are you always waiting for the other shoe to drop? Although people complain about their problems, many have even more difficulty accepting the good.
• Are you distrustful? Maybe you’ve been betrayed or lied to in the past and now look for it in everyone.
• Do you avoid intimacy by filling quiet times with distractions?
• Are you uncomfortable talking about yourself and your feelings? Do you have secrets you’re ashamed of that make you feel undesirable or unlovable?
• Do you usually like to keep your options open in case someone better comes along?
• Do you fear a relationship may place too many expectations on you, that you’d give up your independence or lose your autonomy?

If you answered yes to some of these questions, counseling can help you heal in order to risk getting close. If you’re involved with someone emotionally unavailable, pressuring him or her to be more intimate is counterproductive. However, marriage or couples counseling can change the relationship dynamics and help you to have a more fulfilling intimate relationship.

It is estimated that three to six percent of the general U.S. population suffers from some form of addictive sexual behavior with self or others. However, the current lack of a universally recognizable clinical diagnosis — combined with a dearth of publicly funded research and ongoing cultural shame and stigma regarding sexual disorders in general — likely prevent many more individuals from identifying the problem and seeking help.

Traditionally, the majority of inpatient and outpatient sexual addiction patients (approximately 85 percent) have been adult males. However, there is growing awareness that women also struggle with the disorder and they, too, are seeking help in increasing numbers.

Typical Sex Addict Behaviors

Below is a brief overview of common behaviors exhibited by active sexual addicts:

• Compulsive masturbation with or without pornography
• Ongoing abuse of soft- and hard-core porn
• Multiple affairs and brief “serial” relationships
• Attending strip clubs, adult bookstores and similar sex-focused environments
• Prostitution, or use of prostitutes and “sensual” massage
• Compulsive use of cybersex
• Ongoing anonymous sexual hookups with people met online or in person
• Repeated patterns of unsafe sex
• Seeking sexual experiences without regard to the immediate or long-term consequences
• Exhibitionism or voyeurism

What Is Sex Addiction Like?

For active sex addicts, the sexual experience itself can, over time, become less tied to pleasure and more to feelings of relief or escape. Healthy, pleasurable, life-affirming experiences become tied to obsession, secrecy and shame.

Sex addicts abuse sexual fantasy – even in the absence of sexual acts or orgasm – to produce the intense, trance-like feelings that temporarily provide emotional detachment and dissociation from life stressors. Research suggests that these feelings, often described as being in “the bubble” or “a trance,” are the result of the neurochemical process induced by a fantasy-based release of adrenaline, dopamine, endorphins and serotonin, not dissimilar to a “fight or flight” response.

Over time, the hidden fantasies, rituals and acts of the sexually addicted person can lead to a double life of lies to self and others, manipulation, splitting, rationalization, and denial. These defenses allow sex addicts temporarily to escape their core feelings of low self-worth, fears of abandonment and depression or anxiety, as sexual fantasy and sexual acts are abused in an attempt to fulfill unmet emotional needs.

For the sex addict, sexual acting out most often takes place in secret, against a background of social isolation, and absent genuine, intimate relatedness. The problem can occur regardless of outward success, intelligence, physical attractiveness, or existing intimate relationship commitments or marriage.

Similar to the criteria for other addictive disorders, sexual addiction is characterized by:

• Loss of control over sexual thoughts and behaviors
• Escalation in frequency and intensity of sexual activities
• Negative consequences resulting from sexual behaviors
• Losing significant amounts of time as well as interest in other activities as a result of pursuing or engaging in sexual activities
• Irritability, defensiveness or anger when trying to stop a particular sexual behavior

By definition, this adult obsessive pattern of thoughts and behaviors will continue despite:

• Attempts made to self-correct problematic sexual behavior
• Promises made to self and others toward sexual behavior change
• Significant, directly related negative life consequences in life and relationship stability, emotional and physical health concerns, or career and legal problems.

Sexual addiction can be considered a process addiction (as opposed to substance addictions such as drugs and alcohol), similar to gambling, binge eating or compulsive spending. As such, sexual addicts typically spend a much greater amount of time engaged in the pursuit of sex and romance (the process) than in the sexual act itself. They are addicted to the neurochemical and dissociative high produced by their intense sexual fantasy life and ritualistic behavior. This is their addiction.

What Sexual Addiction Is Not

The diagnosis of sexual addiction is not necessarily made if an individual engages in fetishistic or paraphillic sexual arousal patterns (e.g., BDSM, cross-dressing), even if these behaviors lead the individual to keep sexual secrets or feel shame, distress or “out of control.” Unwanted homosexual or bisexual arousal patterns also are not considered sex addiction per se. Sexual addiction is not defined by what or who the individual finds arousing, but rather by self- and other-objectified, repetitive patterns of sexual behavior utilized to stabilize distress and to manage emotional triggers.

In simple terms, most people don’t consistently utilize sexual arousal as a means of “feeling better” when having a bad day. Healthy people reach out to friends and intimate others for support when upset and also demonstrate a greater ability to self-soothe and tolerate emotional stressors than do sexual addicts.

Differential Diagnosis and Comorbidity

Sexual addiction can be viewed as an adaptive attempt to regulate mood and tolerate stressors through the abuse of intensely stimulating sexual fantasy and behavior. It is believed that sexual addiction is a dysfunctional adult response to innate personality, character or emotional regulatory deficits, as well as a reaction to early attachment disorders, abuse and trauma.

In order for the diagnosis of sex addiction to be made, professionals must first rule out concurrent drug abuse, as well as those major mental health disorders that also include hypersexuality as a symptom. Examples of these include bipolar disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder and adult attention deficit disorder, all of which have hypersexual or impulsive sexual behavior as a potential symptom. Some individuals may have both a major mental disorder and sexual addiction, both of which need to be addressed, much as one might be both alcoholic and bipolar.

Why Seek Treatment?

Many sex addicts seek treatment for sexual addiction only after suffering significant consequences to their health, career, finances and relationships. Most men report initially seeking sexual addiction treatment to find relief and help with related negative life consequences such as pending relationship, legal or interpersonal crises, or threats of divorce or abandonment by a spouse or partner. Overt negative consequences related to sexual behavior, such as job loss and arrest, also drive individuals to seek treatment.

A Diagnosis?

While not yet fully acknowledged as a legitimate mental health disorder in the clinical literature (reportedly due to a lack of research study), sexual addiction and hypersexuality nevertheless is becoming identified in the public consciousness as a legitimate neuropsychobiological disorder. This slow shift in consciousness regarding this disorder is largely due to the escalation of technology-driven sexual problems, the growth of international sexual recovery 12-step groups, evolving research study data, as well as the term “sex addiction” being consistently referenced in relationship to the highly publicized problem sexual behaviors of certain major U.S. political, entertainment and sports figures.

“Being in love is an agreement — made consciously or unconsciously — to participate in the experience of personal growth and transformation,” according to Judy Ford, licensed clinical social worker and author of Every Day Love: The Delicate Art of Caring for Each Other. “When we are in love we are saying ‘yes’ to the process of becoming our best selves.”

Terri Orbuch, psychologist and author of 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great, believes that true love includes both the arousal-producing, can’t-stop-thinking-about-you passionate love and the supportive and emotionally intimate companionate love. She underscored that both do “wax and wane,” and may need work. In fact, a decline in excitement is “a typical progression or development of a long-term relationship,” she said. (Here’s Orbuch’s advice on reigniting the passion in a relationship.)

6 Signs of Love

Orbuch shared six signs that indicate a couple is in love. She said that a couple might have some or all of these signs. (In other words, if your partner isn’t much of a sharer, it doesn’t mean he’s not in love with you.)

1. Personal information. You reveal intimate information to your partner that you don’t tell others, and they do the same.

2. Mutuality. “You think of yourself as a couple rather than two separate entities or people,” Orbuch said. In other words, you think in “we” terms, not “I.” If someone asks what you’re doing this weekend, you consider your partner in your plans, and respond with something like “We’re not sure yet.”

3. Affection, caring and support. Do you both care if the other has a bad day? Do you automatically turn to your partner for support?

4. Interdependence. “You’re interdependent with each other socially, emotionally and financially,” Orbuch said. So whatever you do will affect your partner, and vice versa. If you’re offered a new job in a different city, the decision you make affects your partner.

5. Commitment. “You have a desire to have the relationship stay, endure and last,” Orbuch said.

6. Trust. Both partners are honest and have each other’s best interests at heart, she said.

Discussing Love with Your Partner

People have different ways they express their love. One of the ways you can develop or cultivate love, Orbuch said, is by talking with your partner about it. For instance, an important talk may be your views on commitment. Do you see monogamy as part of commitment? Do they?

Also, do you think of other love signs similarly? For instance, your partner might solely share his private information with you, whereas you tell your close friends everything. This may be upsetting to him, but it doesn’t mean you love him any less. Or your partner has a medical scare but never comes to you. You think this means he doesn’t truly trust or love you. However, his notion of love might mean working this out on his own and then coming to you.

Cultivating Love Every Day

Cultivating love is a lot easier when things are going your way. As Ford said, “It is easy to be loving when the setting is romantic, when you’ve got extra jingle in your pocket, when you’re looking good and feeling fine, but when one of you is out of sorts, exhausted, overwhelmed, and distracted, behaving lovingly requires conscious effort.”

True love shows up in the tougher moments. “It’s in those moments of restlessness and upheaval that you find out who you are and what it truly means to love each and every day,” Ford said.

Below, Ford offers several techniques for cultivating love daily.

• Do a self-inventory. Sometimes, love can bring out the worst in us, so the last thing we do is behave lovingly toward our partner. When that happens, “Reflect on the interaction between you and your sweetheart. Instead of reacting with a disapproving glance or attitude, reflect on how you might respond lovingly next time.”

• Work on yourself — not your partner. According to Ford, “We fall in love with a person who has the qualities that we would like to develop in ourselves.” But instead of developing those traits in ourselves, we “try to develop the other person’s potential.” She suggested not only focusing on yourself but also memorizing this two-pronged principle: “My sweetheart is not me [and] I can enjoy the differences.”
• View your relationship as a learning opportunity. “Approach your sweetheart as if you have everything to learn, as if you know nothing…. There is so much to learn about each other.”
• Speak highly of your partner. “Never make a mean-spirited comment (even in jest) about your partner, your children, your friends—even if they aren’t around.”
• Appreciate your partner every day. “It is easy to acknowledge a surprise grand gesture offered out of the blue, but much harder to appreciate ordinary behavior performed routinely in the midst of the daily grind. If you wait for your honey to do something special before showing appreciation, you’ll be missing a major opportunity to strengthen your connection and deepen your love,” Ford said.

Learn more about Judy Ford or Terri Obruch, and sign up for Terri’s newsletter here.

So whether you’re using Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn or any other social media website — or just writing email — it’s important to proceed thoughtfully with your time online. Here, Gionta doles out key advice on devising and defending your boundaries.

1. Give yourself permission.

Many people think that they don’t deserve to set boundaries in the first place. We think we should automatically accept anyone who wants to befriend us on Facebook or go out of our way to help a colleague of a colleague with a recommendation on LinkedIn. Give yourself the permission to set boundaries and say no, Gionta said.

2. Consider your purpose.

According to Gionta, what helps when setting boundaries is thinking ahead about how you’d like to use social media. Ask yourself: What purpose does social media serve for me?

Are you using Facebook to keep in touch with friends, to network professionally or both? “What would make you feel safe in terms of how many people you allow [as your friends]? Do you want an open or closed profile? [Are you going to] not put up much personal information and limit access?”

Remember that if you’ve got 800 friends on Facebook — many of whom, it’s safe to say, are acquaintances, at best — all 800 are privy to your personal facts. And that can be risky, Gionta said. So consider what kinds of information you want out there.

3. Set boundaries surrounding time.

Let’s face it: Sites like Facebook can become a black hole, sucking your time into its abyss — if you let them. It’s easy to feel powerless, especially if you’re using social media sites professionally and want to build a supportive circle. The Internet is like a moving target, and with that comes the expectation that we need to respond to people’s comments right away, return email within a day or even hours and stay plugged in so we’re continuously in the know.

But remember that you do have a choice, and “there is no requirement,” Gionta said. Rather, figure out what works best for you. Blocking out 15 minutes a day for catching up on comments and your community can still help you make and maintain connections — without feeling stressed and overwhelmed, she said.

Interacting with others

Interacting online can get tricky. Below, Gionta offers additional tips specifically for interpersonal communication.

4. Take things slow.

Relationships on the Internet move fast. And we’re not just talking romantic relationships, but interactions of all kinds. When you’re chatting away on your computer in the comfort of home (or the nearest Starbucks), particularly with like-minded people, it feels like you know them intimately. But take your time.

It takes about six to nine months to get to know someone’s character, Gionta said. Since people usually want to present themselves in a positive light — as Chris Rock famously joked, “When you meet someone for the first time, you don’t meet them, you meet their representative” — it takes time to see their true personality. That’s when you see red flags or inconsistencies in their character.

In online interactions, you might get to know the person faster, but either way, “it’s generally better to take it more slowly and approach [your relationships] in a thoughtful and careful way.” Give yourself time to get to know the person before revealing too much about yourself, she added.

“I know what you mean,” her friend Sarah commiserated. “It feels like all the guys where I work are already paired up or they are simply not dating material. I mean, I’m not going out with a guy whose idea of a nice date is Taco Bell and video games.”

“Seriously,” Jennifer continued, “I don’t even know if some guys think of it as a date. Three weeks ago, I went on that hike with First Church and there were some cute guys in the group. I ended up talking to one of them most of the hike and then he asked me to have a cup of coffee with him when we got back to the church. I think he’s a nice guy, but I don’t even know if he considered that a date or what? He texted me a couple times since, but was it just a friendly thing or what?”

This little exchange between friends is echoed in one form or another countless times between singles everywhere. In fact, it’s one of the top complaints that single people lament: Finding a date is hard.

The Truth About Finding a Date

But could this really be true? With 90 million singles in America, could it be that “all the good ones are taken” near you? Unlikely. According to the American Association for Single People, an “unmarried majority” has emerged in most major cities, as well as in several states. In fact, the majority of households in the nation are headed by unmarried adults. So, why is it that singles are complaining about not finding a date?

In fact, let’s make this more personal. Consider your situation. If you were to make a list of all the potential people to date in your social circles right now, how long would it be? Can you list a dozen eligible people you’d consider dating? A half dozen? Or are you, like most single adults, having a tough time coming up with a significant list of potential people to date?

The problem, of course, is not that there are not other compatible, attractive, interesting, fun, and successful singles to date – they are more plentiful than ever. The problem is that most singles just don’t know where to find them.

That’s where dating online comes in. Never before has the single community had such an effective and powerful tool for increasing their chances of not just finding a date, but a serious romantic match – someone who is highly compatible and a potential “keeper.”

A Dozen Dates in the Same Room?

Think of it this way: what if, within the next 24 hours, you could be in a room with a dozen or so eligible and compatible singles of the opposite sex? And you could meet with each of them one-on-one? These would be people who not only share your personal values, but have a great deal in common with you.

And what if you would easily interact with each one of the single people in this room to learn a bit about who they are – not just their preferences, but their personality? You could explore, for example, how you share sense of humor. And what if you knew that each of them was just as interested as you are in finding a person to date? No sleuthing or guesswork involved. They wouldn’t be in this room if they were not looking for love.

Would you be interested in finding a room like this? If you’re like most, you would. What single person wouldn’t? Entering this room would instantly and dramatically increase your chances for finding a date worth keeping. And that’s exactly what dating online does for you and your love life. Let’s say this straight: your chances of meeting compatible singles are hugely increased by dating online.

Why? Because a competent online dating site literally brings the single population to you. Finding a date is no longer a scavenger hunt with your heart. You simply consider the various options that are literally at your fingertips. Your computer keyboard is all that stands between you and finding a date.

Expanding Your Dating Horizons

After too much dissatisfaction and defeat with the more traditional dating route, or lack thereof, Jennifer finally gave into dating online. “I eventually realized I had little to lose and a lot to gain. Besides, I wanted to put a stop to dealing with blurred lines,” she said. “I’m tired of asking: ‘Are we friends? Or are we dating?’ Online, I can do three dates a week with three different guys if I want to. In my regular life, I don’t think I even meet three new guys in a week, let alone a single guy that would possibly like to date me.”

Jennifer also learned that dating online allows her to set her own parameters on whether she would like to consider finding a date outside of her hometown. She decided that an hour and a half drive was a small price to pay for not just finding a date, but the love of her life. And that’s exactly where she found him. Todd, a manager of a sales team for a pharmaceutical company, had never been to Jennifer’s town before he met her online. But as Jennifer eventually said, “We got to the point where both of our cars could almost drive that stretch of highway between our homes automatically.”

The point is that whether you live in a large city or a small town, dating online allows you to expand your dating horizons – and, thus, your chances for finding true love. After all, there have been countless couples living across the country from each other, not to mention living across town, who would have never found each other had it not been for dating online.

Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott have developed an online dating website called MyRightSomeone.com. Les and Leslie publish an article periodically that discusses different aspects of dating relationships.

If you’re someone with BPD or a loved one of someone with BPD, you probably already know this. The devastation this disorder causes is immense but the misunderstanding and lack of treatment may be just as heavy. With The Buddha & The Borderline, I believe that you’ll find relief, reputable information and hope. It’s far from an easy read. But it’s real, authentic and truly valuable.

In this memoir, Van Gelder documents her diagnosis, treatment and recovery from BPD. She begins the book when she’s 30 years old, when she’s already attempted several times to take her own life, gone through a handful of hospitalizations, been diagnosed with depression, anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder and recovered from alcohol and drug addiction. She is in the arms of yet another boyfriend, attaching herself to him in such a way that she loses herself completely. (She writes later in the book: “If Taylor were gone, it would be like pulling the plug in a basin that holds all the shapeless, turbulent liquid of my life. I would drain away.”) This is a pattern: With every boyfriend, her identity, her musical tastes, how she dresses, what she believes tend to change. Yet she doesn’t know why. After each relationship ends, she starts searching for another savior.

Van Gelder desperately wants to find out what is wrong because as she writes, “…despite being clean and sober for almost a decade, I’m still a mess.” For almost two decades, she’s been in therapy. She has tried various types of treatments, medications and 12-step programs, but yet nothing seems to be working.

When she’s finally diagnosed at a local hospital, Van Gelder witnesses firsthand the stigma, shame, myths, insurance woes and unavailability of treatment. Yet even as she’s struggling with out-of-control symptoms and suicidal urges and grappling with such a stigmatized diagnosis, Van Gelder continues fighting. Her initial motivator? Rage. She writes:

Ultimately rage, not hope, hurls me into recovery when I finally understand that it’s not simply my illness, but incompetence and avoidance from the mental health system that has created my ‘incurable and hopeless’ condition.

This book is a must-read for several reasons. One of the main reasons is that Van Gelder demystifies BPD, clearly defining the symptoms both from a scientific level and a personal one. She writes about deeply intimate slices from her life so readers receive an inside look into what it’s like to have BPD. This is very uncommon, as BPD is largely marred in mystery in our society. The public gets very little solid information about what this disorder really looks like.

Van Gelder also addresses her loved one’s denials of her diagnosis — also common. In the beginning, her mom repeatedly questions her being “mentally ill.” In a therapy session with her mother, Van Gelder says:

But why can’t you take my mental illness seriously? I feel like I’ve been set up, over and over. Like I’m a cripple without a wheelchair, and everyone keeps signing me up for marathons, then shaming me for not winning the race.

She also faces similar frustrations as she tries to share information about BPD with her grandparents:

Indeed, I discover that the less I say, the happier everyone seems to be with me. I sometimes wonder if I wouldn’t have been better off as a paraplegic or afflicted by some tragic form of cancer.

Secondly, she demystifies dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) — a treatment developed by Marsha Linehan, Ph.D., which has scores of research studies to back up its effectiveness — and informs the reader in great detail about this treatment. So while this is a memoir, it also serves as a valuable teaching tool. Loved ones and individuals with BPD will benefit from learning about their options and the nitty-gritty of DBT, which like BPD itself, many people have no clue about. Therapists and graduate students also will learn a lot.

Relying on research studies and books on DBT, Van Gelder quotes Dr. Linehan (and other experts) and describes the theories, goals and techniques of the treatment in layman’s terms throughout the book. As she gives readers the theory behind each step, she illustrates this in relation to herself and her therapy.

For instance, DBT focuses on the concept of dialectics, which on a practical level is, according to Van Gelder, “…what happens when opposites combine to create something new…On a deeper level, dialectics is a viewpoint that recognizes reality and human behavior as fundamentally relational.”

Throughout the book, Van Gelder tries to reconcile the opposing parts of herself. Can she really resist something and long for it at the same time? Can she be healthy in some ways but still lack a secure sense of self? Interestingly, the book, too, mirrors this dialectical nature. It’s painful, frustrating and potentially triggering while being uplifting, soothing and hopeful.

In the last part of the book, Van Gelder discovers Buddhism and explores how it applies to BPD and her life (dialectical behavior therapy is actually based on Buddhist philosophies). Just as she does throughout the book, in the end, she provides several profound insights.

In addition to the perceptive content, Van Gelder’s writing is beautiful and heartbreaking. Van Gelder is a gifted and eloquent writer, and readers will instantly get pulled into her story.

As mentioned briefly above, parts of the book may be triggering to some readers. Van Gelder writes poignantly and often in-depth about painful experiences, including her cutting, suicidal urges and sexual abuse. So while this level of detail may be necessary for readers to gain a better grasp of BPD’s desperation, confusion and grief, it can have a negative effect on someone who’s vulnerable.

As much as this book is about seeking the correct diagnosis and the struggles of recovery, The Buddha & The Borderline is also about Van Gelder’s journey to find herself and lead a life worth living — the ultimate goal of DBT. Even though this is a memoir, it’ll no doubt echo the stories of other sufferers and help readers better understand BPD and its treatment.

The Buddha and the Borderline: My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder Through Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, Buddhism and Online Dating
By Kiera van Gelder
New Harbinger Publications: August 2010
Paperback, 246 pages
$17.95

When you’re as insecure as I am, you tend to believe that your father is a reflection of yourself.  

Assisted Loving is Bob Morris’s amusing remembrance of his father’s days as a new widower, as Joe strives to adjust to single life by desperately seeking Edie, Kitty, Florence and every other potential date above the age of 65. The book is also Bob Morris’s memoir of his own personal maturing.  Like Dorothy’s adventure through the Land of Oz, Bob’s is a journey through his own interior landscape, toward confidence and self-acceptance. Warm, involved friends and loving, open-minded family members accompany Bob, but, ultimately, it is he who must click his own heels together.

The story opens at Mount Ararat Cemetery on Long Island, N.Y., where Bob’s mother Ethel was buried a month before. Bob’s head is full of critiques, mostly of Joe, whose care of Ethel, in Bob’s judgment, fell short in countless small ways. And now the cemetery itself is lacking in Bob’s eyes, and he notices himself noticing its numerous imperfections.

The location of this cemetery isn’t genius. It’s all wrong, in, fact, sandwiched between two noisy roads. And the headstones are too much alike – new slabs of polished marble that aren’t aged enough to have historical charm. I’m thinking as I look around that I don’t care for this place at all. And I also don’t like myself for thinking such a thing. But lately, this kind of snobbery has started taking up the parking space in my head where nicer thoughts should be.   

As a 20-something with a romantic imagination and a freshly-earned psychology degree, I tried my hand for almost 10 years as a professional matchmaker and dating service owner. It was emotionally wrenching, frustrating work, and the dating scenes Bob Morris describes in Assisted Loving capture precisely the defensive, self-defeating pickiness that so many of my clients brought to the process. Bob churns through countless first dates, sometimes several in one evening, he and his matches evaluating and dismissing one another within a few moments of superficial inspection. On a given night, Bob sizes up Date No. 3 this way:

He looks promising there at the sushi bar. Love the rust-colored hair. I walk up to him with real hope in my heart. But wait a minute. I’m not sure but I think I see love handles beneath that sweater. Just because I have them doesn’t mean anyone else can. No chemistry, no interest.

So of course, when Joe asks for Bob’s guidance in finding a new woman to love, Bob applies his same hyperselective shopping list approach to his father’s quest. Bob daydreams of Joe pairing up with someone classy and stylish, a woman with the right clothes and zip code, whereas Joe cares more about an easy-going personality and good figure. Son and father fume and bicker and date and date and date and date, and the process forces Bob to think about his father’s perspective on life, as well as his own:

Is there something to be said for being so content? He is essentially a happy man. Or is it just that he can’t be bothered to aspire to anything more than this? My whole life is about trying to make a mark on the world in ways he never could. And my past few years have been consumed with failed pitches and proposals. I want things that are so far out of reach and beyond his imagination that I live in a perpetual state of aspiration. And what does Dad want? A toasted bagel, a good duplicate bridge game.

Joe Morris is a steadfastly loving and accepting father, embracing Bob’s homosexuality without reservation:

When I was nineteen and going off to wash dishes on Fire Island one summer, he’s the one who came up to my room and came out of the closet for me – and told me it was fine with him, as long as I was careful.

Joe is boastfully proud of every article Bob’s ever written, and Thrilled! every time Bob calls or visits. Bob recalls that for both his parents:

There were so many little things I did that made them happy. They always made it so easy. So how did I grow up to be such a judgmental snob?

Assisted Living ends happily, with Joe meeting Doreen, a warm-hearted widow with a fun-loving way about her and an undisclosed ailment that necessitates her wearing a wig. Bob is predictably unsettled over this imperfection. That’s your problem, not mine, is Joe’s response.

And Bob also finally meets the love of his life, Ira.

He’s kind of affected, if not a little flamboyant. And, come on – Ira Silverberg. Can I date such a Jewish-sounding name? His eyes are squinty, and if they’re pools, only lap pools. They’re also brown when I prefer blue. But they are full of light and life.

Ultimately, what Joe teaches Bob is that enjoying life is possible, if one makes the choice to do so:

Love itself is a choice. It’s a decision to see how wonderful someone is, says Joe. Flaws and all. That’s what it takes to find a match. Love is a decision, Bobby.

Assisted Loving is sweet and honest, funny and wise. I wish it had been around during my matchmaking days; I would have handed every new client a copy.

Leigh Pretnar Cousins is an educational consultant and private tutor. She writes a blog for PsychCentral called Always Learning.

Assisted Loving: True Tales of Double Dating with My Dad
By Bob Morris
Harper: May 2008
Hardcover, 304 pages
$24.95

Juan spoke no English. Ruth spoke no Spanish. But these two lovely people spent hours every day sitting side by side in the garden, hands clasped between the two wheelchairs. They’d point at birds and people of interest and smile and laugh. Both, who had been ill and failing, perked up considerably. The nurses, with a wink and a smile, reported stealthy night-time trips across the corridor that divided their rooms. Like the young lovers of songs and stories, they fooled no one and delighted everyone. It was wonderful to see them so happy.

Grandmother Ruth had had a long, comfortable marriage of 56 years but had been widowed for over 18 years. As much as she savored the memories of her husband, as much as she was loved by grandchildren and great-grandchildren, as much as she was hugged by family and friends, I learned that she had quietly longed for the loving contact of a romantic partner. “Oh, Marie,” she said softly when talking about Juan, “You don’t know how much I’ve missed being touched by a man who makes a fuss over me.” To which I replied, “You go girl!” – much to the distress of some of our relatives who thought the affair scandalous. But then, Grandma Ruth and I had been in cahoots about many things over the years.

I’ll be forever grateful to the nursing home staff who neither infantilized the two by calling them “cute” nor interfered. Juan and Ruth gave each other warmth, affection and love in a chapter of life when many feel that love and sex is long over. Love is decidedly not just for the young. Whether 15 or 95, we all long for emotional closeness and physical contact with someone who loves us.

The Dating Game at 60+

Want to find love again? If Juan and Ruth could light each other’s fires in their mid-90s, there’s no reason to think that you can’t find someone too. A few simple pointers may help.

• Start with giving yourself a pep talk. One of the clear advantages of being over 60 is the self-knowledge that comes with it. Take an honest inventory of what you have to offer another person and feel good about it. Remind yourself that someone out there is looking for a person with those very attributes.

• Don’t try to replace someone you’ve lost. No date wants to feel like a poor imitation of the real thing. You don’t want to end up disappointed because your date isn’t the long-lost twin of someone you’ve loved and lost. Let yourself enjoy looking for someone who is a new adventure, at least in some ways that matter.
• Let friends and acquaintances know that you are open to meeting someone special. Birds of a feather really do flock together. Chances are that single friends of friends are people you’ll have something in common with. You may be pleasantly surprised to find that the cousin of your best friend’s old college roommate is also looking but your best friend didn’t want to intrude. Once given “permission,” your social circle may well find the right person for you.
• Be honest about what you’re looking for. If, for example, you just want a companion for an occasional movie or concert or lunch, say so. You don’t want to inadvertently lead someone on who is looking for a soulmate and sexual partner.
• Consider online dating services as a way to enlarge your pool of eligible singles. If you’re not yet computer savvy, it’s way past time to learn. Sign up for a class or get your 8-year-old grandson to show you how to use the Internet and email. (It really is so easy a child can do it. You can too.) Join up with a reputable senior dating site and start having conversations with other senior singles. Whether or not they turn into dates, you’ll be expanding your network and getting practice talking with strangers who can become friends.
• Be reasonably cautious. Sadly, and no news to you, there are bad people in the world who look for vulnerable people to exploit. Don’t give out your name or address or phone number until you’ve had lots of talks online. Use an alias online until you feel safe. If someone starts to tell you tragic tales that end with requests for money, a place to live, or one of your kidneys, move on.
• Trust your instincts. You’ve lived long enough to sense when something is “off.” Don’t try to talk yourself out of it. Someone who comes on too strong, who tries to contact you 500 times a day, or who threatens to hurt himself or you if you don’t return their ardor and devotion is probably not a good bet. As flattering as they can be at first, such people are often too needy and possibly too unstable for the give and take of a healthy relationship. Say a kind and gentle goodbye, change your online alias, and move on.
• Know what you want. There’s no reason to settle for something else. If you don’t think you and a date or an online connection click, find a polite way to wish the person well as you send them on their way. Conversely, be willing to accept it when someone doesn’t think you’re the person of their dreams either. However nice you both may be, if it’s not a click, it’s not. You don’t want to waste your time developing a relationship you both already know will go nowhere.
• When you find yourself wanting to spend more time with someone who seems promising, please remember that you both already have pretty full lives. It’s not necessarily personal when your new sweetheart can’t find another time to be with you until two weeks from Thursday – when you can’t possibly do it because your granddaughter is in a dance recital. If you get more committed, it will become both more and less complicate: More because you’ll be introducing each other to the families; less because you can go to family events together.
• Don’t expect your adult kids to love your new love – at least not at first. They may be protective of you and suspicious of your partner. They may have strong loyalties to their other parent. They may be jealous of time spent with your partner’s family. They may worry that they will lose their inheritance. They may think you’re too old for love. Give them time to get to know your sweetheart and to get used to the idea that you two are an item. Give them reassurance by making sure your will is in order so that no one can accuse you or your partner of being a gold-digger and any inheritances are secure. If your new guy or gal is as special as you think, the kids will eventually think so too, especially if they see you happy.

When you do find that special someone you know you can love and who loves you back, go for it! Neither of you is getting any younger!

I think it really sucks you jumped to such a conclusion before taking anything I would have to say into consideration and also feeling the need to tell me of your planned selfish act. Based on this I feel it may be best to not continue seeing you. If you are so quick to act like this now, what may happen in the future? Would you do something like this again? I am sorry, but I do not want to find out.

What?! Are you freaking serious? What are you talking about?

This is an excerpt from an email I recently received from a man I had been dating. He was referring to a conversation we had the previous weekend. An honest conversation that had made me feel better about where things stood, but had apparently made him decide that he hated me. The rest of his email was chock full of scorn. You could tell that he had done his best to make the email come off as scathing, but did not quite have the writing abilities to successfully pull it off. Instead, he sounded like he was throwing a tantrum.

Oddly, receiving this email made me feel a combination of anger and confidence. The anger is an obvious, understandable reaction.

But the confidence? The confidence was a reaction I would not have expected.

There were many years in my life when I did not feel superbly confident in myself and who I was. As I have gotten older, I have started to feel much more comfortable in my skin and have gained much self-confidence. I have faith in myself, my emotions, and my abilities as a human being. I know who I am and what makes me tick. Even five years ago, statements like I read in this email would have shaken me. I would have wondered if the person writing such terribleness had a point about me. That maybe I had given someone reason to believe I was horrible, because maybe I was. Now I know without hesitation that statements I read in this email are completely ridiculous.

My view of myself has changed dramatically since the days when I would have taken to heart the scornful statements of someone I barely know. One of my first reactions after reading this email was, “Who the hell does this guy think he is! That this misguided, misinformed guy believes that he has the right to state this nonsense to me is absolutely preposterous! I know that I am awesome, not horrible, and by making these statements, this guy is making himself seem like a small person.”

After reading the email twice, I thought it was best to wait a day before I responded. My response was simple — it stated that I was sorry to hear that he felt this way, offered to pay him his share of tickets to an upcoming show that we had purchased, and wished him well. By reacting calmly and reasonably to his tantrum, I felt like I was the bigger person. And the bigger person wins every time.

It’s our reaction to ridiculous situations that sometimes remind us of how far we have come.

Need help boosting your own self-esteem? Positive self-talk may be beneficial for you to try.

Date One: The Liquid Hater

I started with a man I am calling the “Liquid Hater.” This is a man who not only does not drink alcohol, but he dislikes drinking liquids in general. I knew this before I went out with him and I thought it was really odd. However, I didn’t see it as a reason not to meet this man at all.

I met the Liquid Hater at a coffee shop by my house. Of course the liquid hater does not drink coffee, but if you are not meeting someone at a bar or a coffeehouse, where are you supposed to meet them for the first time? It’s not like you want a stranger coming to your house and if the weather is bad, you can’t hang around outside.

The evening started out poorly when I ordered a pot of tea and the liquid hater bought himself a bottle of water. At a coffeehouse with dozens of different teas, coffees, sodas, and iced beverages, who orders water? Duh, someone who hates beverages. This ordering choice led to me asking many questions about his likes and dislikes. It turned out that the Liquid Hater did like juice, but wouldn’t let himself drink it because it has too much sugar. Occasionally, the Liquid Hater enjoys a milkshake, but that’s pushing it. As the Liquid Hater was explaining his sensitivities to caffeine, I ventured a guess. I asked him, “you don’t like to take medicine either, do you?” The answer was no, he does not like to take medicine.

It turns out that although he was very nice, this man was wholesome to the core. He did not drink alcohol, disliked medicine, and disdained caffeine. I quite enjoy alcohol and caffeine, and have no aversion to taking medicine when I need to. At this point, I became a bit of a jerk and started asking questions I already knew the answers to. As I suspected, the Liquid Hater had never even smoked a cigarette and was uncomfortable in bars. As nice as this man was, I cut this date as short as possible. The Liquid Hater wigged me out a bit.

Date Two: Barry One

The day I was supposed to go out with Barry One, the weather was predicted to be sunny and warm. We decided we would grab a coffee and go for a walk.

I was running late to meet Barry One and made him stand around and wait for me for 15 minutes. When I finally got to the coffeeshop, he had a beverage in his hand. This made me sigh in relief a bit. Barry One was not a freak about beverages.

Online dating has its pros and cons. The main pro is meeting new people pretty easily. The main con is that these people can be terrible. I have had good, long-term relationships with a couple of the Match.com men. I have also gone on some awful dates.

Things have not changed a lot since I was previously part of the Match.com world. The only thing that has changed is my outlook on it. Because it can take up a lot of time, I no longer spend time emailing with anyone who does not appear awesome. In the past, I’ve given people a shot because they seemed nice. No more – dating isn’t a charity and I don’t have time for people I’m not really interested in, but feel I should give a chance. Just because you are nice does not mean I have to go out with you. Lots of people are nice; it doesn’t mean that I should date them all.

By being extra-picky, I have been able to cut down on the time I spend dealing with Match.com. When you start emailing with someone, you are making an initial impression. For me, this means that I want my emails to be as interesting and grammatically correct as possible. There’s nothing worse than someone who wants to discuss the weather and does not know the difference between “your” and “you’re.” I judge other people on their emails and other people judge me. This means that while I may spend three seconds dashing off an email to a good friend, I want to spend more time thinking about what I am writing to the Match.com people. Because this time adds up, I try not to communicate with more than a few people at once. Even writing to a few people takes up around an hour a day.

Right now, I have four interesting contenders. I have not yet met any of these people in person. Hopefully one of them has real potential.

Bachelor No. 1 is a 37-year-old grad student. We live in the same town, so he is geographically desirable. From his photos, he appears to be attractive. For two weeks now, we have exchanged short emails about nothing. He keeps it going by asking a random, but entertaining question, which I answer and perhaps ask another question back. A few times I have purposely not asked a return question to see if he keeps writing. He always keeps writing. Granted, I started this exchange by emailing him a random, one sentence inquiry, but I did not see it going on for this long.

Bachelor No. 1 asked me to hang out last weekend. I only had one evening last weekend when I did not have plans, so I suggested we grab a drink during that time. Bachelor No. 1 was busy that evening. Rather than suggest another time, he went back to emailing me his random questions. Maybe I will meet this guy someday, maybe I won’t. At some point soon, I likely will tire of this back-and-forth and stop writing.

Bachelor #1: A client I have at work. We see each other on a weekly basis. Bachelor #1 is completely a “Stacey” guy. He is tall, cute, funny, educated, and quirky. I think he became my client because he kind of likes me. Today he told me that I’m awesome and I felt all flattered and gooey.

What’s the issue? First of all, he has a girlfriend. She is a long distance girlfriend who lives in another country. That’s almost like having no girlfriend at all. The two of them don’t even have a plan to move to the same place at some point. His situation with this woman strikes me as somewhat pointless and I think that if I wanted to, I likely could bump her out of the picture. However, this leads me to the second issue with this guy. He is always busy. He works crazy hours at a full-time job where he works to cure cancer. I am not kidding about that, he really is a researcher at a cancer institute. In addition to trying to cure the world of a horrific disease, he is in a full-time Ph.D program. His lack of availability would get to me if he were to become my boyfriend. Then I would feel guilty because I would want him to spend time with me instead of saving the world. It would lead to a terrible cycle.

Bachelor #1 also seems to be highly forgetful and disorganized. A stereotypical absent-minded professor, scientist type of person. These qualities would bug me if I had to deal with them on an ongoing basis. Although I like this guy a lot and we get along smashingly and have a lot in common, he is not a good, viable candidate for my next boyfriend.

Bachelor #2: A man I briefly dated who I am currently “friends” with. When Bachelor #2 and I hang out, it is a perfect blend of super-fun and super-serious. There is something about Bachelor #2 and I that makes us completely open to each other. With him, I am able to be much more honest than I am with most people.

What’s the problem, you ask? Bachelor #2 is emotionally in no place to have a girlfriend right now. He has issues he has to work out and has acknowledged that in the past, he has been a bad boyfriend to other women. Even if he was in perfect emotional shape, I am not sure that Bachelor #2 and I have lifestyles that would mesh well together for the long term. I like Guitar Hero and dive bars. He likes clubs and break dancing. I want contentment. He wants excitement.

So where does this leave me?

This leaves me in a position where I need to not pursue either of these men. I have enough experience with boyfriends and dating that I know what works for me and what does not. As much as I like both these people, neither would work out well. I need to leave things as they are and continue to have these men in my life in their current roles. I need to find new boyfriend candidates.

Over the past year, I’ve done pretty well meeting people to date. I have met them either through friends or random situations. However, over the last couple months, these people have not been appearing. I am once again considering using Match.com.

I have a love/hate relationship with Match.com. I have used it in the past and met some really great people through the site. I have also met some ultra duds.

When you use Match.com, it takes up a lot of time. You need to be on top of all the emails you receive and keep up a regular correspondence with a number of people. It can often suck up at least an hour a day just with writing emails. My time is mostly spent working. I am not sure I can give Match.com the attention it requires.

Then come the dates. As much as I try to keep the dates brief, this usually does not work. I end up on these long, drawn out, day-long outings with people I have no interest in dating. Yes, I should be better about cutting things off, but in my efforts to be nice, I get stuck.

Match.com also makes you highly visible to the outside world. My job is very public. Hundreds of people see me every day. I have occasionally recognized some of these people as Match.com users. I fear this happening to me. It would be one thing if these were people I randomly knew rather than saw in a professional capacity.

If I want to meet an awesome new person to date, I need to get over these factors. Really, they are pretty minor. I have been playing with setting up a new Match.com profile. My last username was an easily memorable word. Because people use Match.com continually for years, it’s likely that many of the male users would recognize me as someone who has used the site before. I would prefer to come back as a brand new user. This will allow me to:

1. Not look like a total loser if I email someone who rejected me two years ago.
2. Go to the top of searches when a man is looking for new users of the site.
3. Be Match.com “new meat.” You never get as much attention as the first time you use the site.

The pros of using Match.com to find some new prospects outweigh the cons. I’ll mull it over for a little longer, then make my official decision. I know I will eventually sign up again as a new user, but I can’t seem to pull the trigger on it just yet. We shall see!