This month we’re pleased to present an interview with psychologist and psychoanalyst Suzanne B. Phillips, Psy.D, ABPP. Phillips writes the excellent blog “Healing Together for Couples” on Psych Central.

She also is an adjunct full professor of clinical psychology at the CW Post Campus of Long Island University, N.Y. and on the faculty of both the Derner Institute of Adelphi University and the Suffolk Institute for Psychoanalysis and Psychotherapy in New York.

Phillips is the author of three books, including Healing Together: A Couple’s Guide to Coping with Trauma & Post-Traumatic Stress. Plus, you can hear her Wednesday nights on “Psych Up” on CoSozo Radio with host Tom Matt of Boomer Rock.

Phillips has a private practice in Northport, N.Y., where she lives with her husband. She has two grown sons.

Learn more about her work at her website.

1. What’s surprised you the most about being a therapist?

What surprised me most was how much I would receive from those who trust me with their care. There are the books and then there are the people. Working closely with people continues to invite me to think beyond what I know and feel beyond where I have been.

2. What’s the latest and greatest book you’ve read related to mental health, psychology or psychotherapy?

I just read Narrating Our Healing: Perspectives on Working Through Trauma by Chris N. van der Merwe and Pumla Gobodo-Madikizela. It is a beautiful book. Inspired by the horrific trauma suffered in South Africa and the impetus toward healing by the Truth and Reconciliation Commission, the authors underscore the capacity, regardless of history, for reclaiming self and others through the narrating of trauma.

Given the individual, couple, group and trauma work that I do, I resonate with the thesis that when we share our trauma, when we hear the sound of pain in each other’s hearts, we “make public spaces intimate.” We make it possible for someone else to hear, identify with our pain, and step beyond old wounds to connect.

3. What’s the biggest myth about therapy?

The biggest myth about therapy is that the therapist has the answers. The curative factor in therapy is not the therapist, it is the mutuality between the patient and therapist and the journey they share.

I have been teaching doctoral students in clinical psychology for over 25 years and I always remind these wonderful and passionate young professionals that they will never know more about the patient, than the patient.

What they offer is their clinical training to see and hear what the patient knows but cannot yet access because of history, pain, fear, addiction, trauma, etc. No matter what type of therapy, it is the collaboration between therapist and patient that makes change and healing possible.

4. What seems to be the biggest obstacle for clients in therapy?

The biggest obstacle is the conflict between the wish to change and the wish to hold on to the familiar. Most people are trying to regulate their anxiety and although they are in tremendous pain, the familiar can actually feel less frightening than the unknown.

Often people hold on to the most successful childhood survival strategies they know. The problem is that they are no longer needed and they impair adult functioning.

5. What’s the most challenging part about being a therapist?

The most challenging part about being a therapist is seeing how therapists and their work are portrayed in the media. My family has told me that I have ruined most films and shows that depict therapists. Once my children were old enough, they would simply say, “Mom, you can’t stay if you keep commenting about what they are doing wrong!”

6. What do you love about being a therapist?

I love seeing the best of people emerge. I love the resilience and the hope that I have seen even in the darkest moments. I love passing on in my clinical work, my books, my lectures, and my blogs—anything that will give people the tools to become experts in their own lives.

7. What’s the best advice you can offer to readers on leading a meaningful life?

Take the lessons learned from your past, set up some personal goals for your future and then live each day you are given.

In the course of that day, find a small way to include some generosity, some gratitude, some connection and some laughter. A meaningful life is in the details of how we live each day.

8. If you had your schooling and career choice to do all over again, would you choose the same professional path? If not, what would you do differently and why?

I started in literature, headed into psychology and never turned back. I can’t imagine doing anything else. It is a way of thinking and being. There is always something more to learn, more to write, more to teach and what a gift to be able to share and care with people.

9. If there’s one thing you wished your clients or patients knew about treatment or mental illness, what would it be?

That mental illness is not something they caused. It is not something about which to feel blame or shame. It is suffering that is as painful as any physical illness. Anyone suffering from mental illness is entitled to compassion and help. The damage comes when help is avoided or unavailable. With help, mental illness need not define your life.

10. What personally do you do to cope with stress in your life?

Actually I use a number of things to cope with stress. I have been running to music for 30 years and treasure it as a stress-reducing gift. I have always loved books and can become so engrossed that it is not unusual for the conductor on a train to come over to say, “ Ma’am, this is the last stop, the train is headed into the yard – you have to get off!”

I have a rule that on the weekends, I put down the work to enjoy time with my husband and I am always amazed at the revitalizing power of being together and off task.

That said, I try to be aware of the signs that I am on overload. When I start burning pots left on the stove, I know I have to drop down the stress by dropping something out. Big or small, when I open up space by rescheduling, by saying “No,” or by deciding to let something go – it always helps.

This month we’re pleased to present an interview with clinical social worker Carla Naumburg, Ph.D. Naumburg authors the informative, inspiring and super-popular blog Mindful Parenting on Psych Central. She’s also a contributing editor for Kveller.com and mom of two young girls.

Below, Naumburg reveals the trials, triumphs and surprises of being a therapist; the books that have inspired her; the biggest obstacle for clients in therapy; her advice for leading a meaningful life; and much more!

Follow Naumburg on Twitter at @SWMama. Check out her writing at carlanaumburg.com.

1. What’s surprised you the most about being a therapist?

Early in my training, I thought that being a therapist was about having the right tools and the right words to say that would make someone feel better. What I learned is that being a good therapist is about being able to stay truly present and accepting of someone else’s pain or fear, and that staying connected in hard moments is healing. Therapists don’t ever “fix” anyone, but if we’re doing our job well, our clients will feel less alone, suffer less, and feel stronger as they face life’s challenges.

2. What’s the latest and greatest book you’ve read related to mental health, psychology or psychotherapy?

Brené Brown’s books, including Daring Greatly and The Gifts of Imperfection, have truly inspired me. She is a social worker who studies shame and vulnerability, and her TED Talks are wonderful.

Viktor Frankl’s book, Man’s Search for Meaning, is a classic, and it’s one of my favorites. Dr. Frankl’s ability to find meaning in his experience in a concentration camp truly puts things in perspective.

3. What’s the biggest myth about therapy?

The biggest myth is that going to therapy means that there is something wrong with you. I have heard this over and over again, and it’s just not true. Attending therapy means that, like every other human on the planet, you have come up against challenges in life, and you could use some support from a safe, supportive, impartial person. That’s all it means.

4. What seems to be the biggest obstacle for clients in therapy?

One of the biggest challenges clients face is something that many of us struggle with, even when we’re not in therapy. I’m talking about the ways we beat ourselves up because we think we’re not smart enough, not productive enough, not good enough. In addition to the pain we feel from whatever is going on in our lives, we inflict additional harm on ourselves each time we judge ourselves so harshly.

For example, I might have a client who is struggling with depression, and in addition to how sad, lonely, and hopeless she feels, she is also angry at herself for not getting out of bed in the morning or accomplishing enough each day.

Our pain is lessened greatly when we can have self-compassion, when we can love and forgive ourselves, even when life is hard, when it is painful, when we are really struggling.

5. What’s the most challenging part about being a therapist?

The hardest part of being a therapist is truly sitting with, and staying with, difficult emotions and trying not to offer solutions. When someone you care about (and yes, therapists do care about their clients!) is in pain, your first response is to fix it, to make the pain go away.

The problem with this response is that a) it implies that there is something wrong with experiencing difficult feelings (which is not true), and b) sticking a Band-Aid on a problem may help our clients feel better temporarily, but it doesn’t give them the insight, support, and perspective that will serve them well over the long run.

6. What do you love about being a therapist?

There is a proverb that describes what I love about my work: “I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders.” Being a part of someone’s journey as they broaden their shoulders is incredibly meaningful to me.

7. What’s the best advice you can offer to readers on leading a meaningful life?

I believe a meaningful life is authentic, compassionate, and not always easy. Figuring out who you are and what you love can be hard work, because it requires listening to your inner voice, silencing your inner critic, and taking risks. Most of us can’t do this on our own; we need supportive family and friends, and at times, a good therapist. (I would recommend Brene Brown’s writing, which I mentioned above.)

8. If you had your schooling and career choice to do all over again, would you choose the same professional path? If not, what would you do differently and why?

I would choose the same professional path. My training in clinical social work has shaped how I see the world and understand people and social interactions and I value that tremendously. I am focusing on my writing right now, but in terms of my training and my professional identity, I am proud to be a social worker.

9. If there’s one thing you wished your clients or patients knew about treatment or mental illness, what would it be?

Lots of folks seem to be under the impression that there is a fundamental difference between people who are mentally healthy and people who are mentally ill. The reality is that we are all on a spectrum; we all have better days and worse days, and you never know what might happen in life that can change things—either for better or for worse. Remembering this fundamental truth can help us find compassion for ourselves and each other in difficult times.

10. What personally do you do to cope with stress in your life?

I try to get exercise (walking, jogging, or yoga) every day, and I generally have a healthy diet (although sometimes a nice big piece of chocolate is just what I need). I find that journaling helps me find perspective, as does spending time with my friends and family. I have begun a mindfulness practice, and when I’m really stressed in the moment, taking a few mindful breaths and trying to stay present helps a lot.

This month we’re thrilled to feature Elisha Goldstein, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist who writes one of the most popular blogs on Psych Central: Mindfulness and Psychotherapy. Goldstein sees clients at his private practice in West Los Angeles. He is the author of The Now Effect: How This Moment Can Change the Rest of Your Life and co-author of A Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction Workbook.

He’s also created other valuable resources on mindfulness, including the Mindful Solutions audio series, Mindfulness Meditations for the Troubled Sleeper and Mindfulness Meditations for the Frantic Parent.

Learn more about Elisha Goldstein at his website.

1. What’s surprised you the most about being a therapist?

How big the gift of being of service can be. I have the privilege of knowing people intimately and supporting them in being happy. When I sit with that, it gives me an immense sense of purpose. I’m also lucky enough to be a teacher for other therapists as I often train many in the field of Mindfulness and Psychotherapy. The ripple effects give me immense joy.

2. What’s the latest and greatest book you’ve read related to mental health, psychology or psychotherapy?

Well, besides The Now Effect (wink) – I’m a big fan of books that keep it simple. Thich Nhat Hanh is a Vietnamese Buddhist monk who writes simply and elegantly and I am a fan of many of his works. Taming the Tiger Within and The Miracle of Mindfulness are some of my favorites.

3. What’s the biggest myth about therapy?

That there’s an end goal. I don’t mean that people need to be in therapy for an indefinite time, but there’s a faulty notion of achieving some end state. This focus makes therapy more difficult as the mind is cluttered with an expectation instead of focusing on learning.

Even if insurance only covers 10 sessions and wants to hear the end goal, we have to always keep in mind that therapy is a vehicle for learning, and while we can begin to master certain ways of being, growing and learning about ourselves in life never ends.

4. What seems to be the biggest obstacle for clients in therapy?

Translating what happens in session into their daily life. There are magical moments of insight that can happen in a therapy session. A feeling that something has really shifted mentally, physically at times and even spiritually.

But when we get back in our daily environments we slip back into old patterns and the insights are mere whispers that we often can’t hear. A big part of the work in psychotherapy is about bringing intention to reconnect with the insights and practices from therapy into the other 167 hours of the week.

Finding ways to create reminders that work and stick is an invaluable tool. The best reminders come in the form of relationships.

5. What’s the most challenging part about being a therapist?

A couple things come to mind. The first is that at times I care so much about my clients that I take them home with me and that may affect my life outside of the office. But I’ve gotten better over time of not doing that as much and when it does [happen], there’s still a lot of meaning in it. I’m lucky enough to have a wife who’s also a psychologist and can relate.

The second is challenging myself to stay present in the face of uncertainty within a session. There are times when I’m not sure where things are going or what “to do.” It’s important to remember that there’s richness in uncertainty; to be able to “be with” it cultivates courage, self-trust and creative potential.

When you bring it into the relationship between therapist and client, it builds trust between the two. This trust is the foundation for change.

6. What do you love about being a therapist?

Living what I feel my purpose is. Being of service, there’s no greater gift.

7. What’s the best advice you can offer to readers on leading a meaningful life?

Find what is meaningful to you in life and take steps to make those actionable. Look at the activities in your day and see where the spaces are that are either neutral or depleting. See if you can replace some of these with more meaningful activities and see what happens. Ultimately as therapists we want our clients’ experience to be their guide, not our advice. This builds self-trust, which is a fundamental factor in resiliency and happiness.

8. If you had your schooling and career choice to do all over again, would you choose the same professional path? If not, what would you do differently and why?

Absolutely. I took a risk a while back leaving a profession that provided me some golden handcuffs (making good money, but wasn’t aligned with a sense of purpose for me.) I re-entered into a rickety financial position pouring everything I had and taken loans to go back to school.

It was a great risk to take. Now, I’m very happy working with people individually, running Mindfulness-Based groups, speaking, training therapists, creating the Mindfulness at Work™ with eMindful.com, a program that is currently in Aetna, Blue Cross Blue Shield and many other multi-national corporations and writing meaningful and practical books like The Now Effect, Mindfulness Meditations for the Anxious Traveler and co-authoring A Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction Workbook.

9. If there’s one thing you wished your clients or patients knew about treatment or mental illness, what would it be?

The best way to enter therapy is to see it as a learning process, not something to achieve. This drops our anxieties over imperfections and frees up energy to open up to the wonders in life we’re not seeing.

10. What personally do you do to cope with stress in your life?

I have a daily mindfulness practice, play with my kids, [take] rigorous walks, eat healthy, try and get good sleep when my kids allow it, [have] a weekly gratitude roundtable with family and practice, practice, practice self-compassion.

In our monthly interview series, clinicians share slices from their professional and personal lives. They reveal the challenges and rewards of being a practitioner, how they handle stress and their picks for great psychology books — and much, much more.

This month we’re pleased to feature an interview with Marla W. Deibler, Psy.D, a clinical psychologist who writes the popular blog Therapy That Works on Psych Central.

Deibler is the founder and executive director of The Center for Emotional Health of Greater Philadelphia, LLC, an outpatient facility that provides evaluation and evidence-based, cognitive-behavioral therapies.

She is a nationally recognized expert in anxiety disorders and the obsessive-compulsive spectrum, including trichotillomania and other body-focused repetitive behaviors, obsessive-compulsive disorder, hoarding, and tic disorder.

1. What’s surprised you the most about being a therapist?

The common experience of clients, despite the great diversity amongst individuals, constantly amazes me. Each therapy client is unique in their own life, yet when they are experiencing a psychiatric illness, their symptoms and distressing events are surprisingly like others who also struggle with their particular diagnosis.

In my practice, I frequently see clients who are seeking diagnosis and effective treatment for what they believe to be unusual difficulties, yet their experiences are not uncommon and are frequently seen in my practice.

It’s a wonderful experience, as a therapist, to be able to provide diagnosis and effective treatment to those who felt that they were “the only one” and find that their struggles are not uncommon after all.

2. What’s the latest and greatest book you’ve read related to mental health, psychology or psychotherapy?

I used to read only psychology books. It’s true. In my spare time, I read psychology for fun. In recent years, I’ve moved to other genres to give myself a break from my work. That being said, here are a few that stand out for me:

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (2012) by Steven Hayes, PhD and Jason Lillis is a great book about the basics of ACT, which has recently interested me. I consider myself to be an evidence-based practitioner and this “third wave” cognitive behavioral therapy has garnered much attention in recent years.

Internal Family Systems by Richard Schwartz, PhD (1995) is not a recent publication, but it is a book that has really left an impression on me, sparking a great deal of thought into the different ways to conceptualize and work through cognitive dissonance. A really fascinating approach to working with an individual’s inner turmoil.

Don’t Panic by R. Reid Wilson, PhD (1987/2009) is an “oldie but a goodie.” This book is the first psychology book I can recall reading (at 17 years of age) that left me amazed at the link between the mind and body. It served as the catalyst for my interest in becoming a psychologist. (Thanks, Dr. Wilson!)

3. What’s the biggest myth about therapy?

The biggest myth about therapy is that therapists are merely trained listeners and talking about one’s problems will help them feel better. Therapy is so much more than this.

It is an evidence-based science and a craft that requires a great deal of skill and creativity. Therapy is a process that involves learning to change one’s subjective experiences (thoughts, feelings, behaviors) through skills acquisition, insight, and the generation of new mastery experiences, which lead to a positive shift in one’s perception and is reflected in their more adaptive functioning.

4. What seems to be the biggest obstacle for clients in therapy?

In my practice, I most frequently use cognitive behavioral therapy, which involves homework. Practicing skills, tracking behavior, and engaging in exposure and response prevention assignments, to name a few, are frequently given between sessions.

These assignments are important to the client’s progress, yet sometimes, feelings of anxiety (and the desire to avoid anxiety) or ambivalent feelings about “getting better” can be an obstacle to overcome.

5. What’s the most challenging part about being a therapist?

The most challenging part about being a therapist is the importance of continuing to learn, and grow, both as a therapist and also as an individual. There are always areas to explore and develop, no matter how much expertise you have in a particular area.

6. What do you love about being a therapist?

I love being a psychologist. I find it rewarding to connect with people at their darkest hours to show them that they are not alone and to guide them through their difficulties toward a happier, healthier, more fulfilling life.

7. What’s the best advice you can offer to readers on leading a meaningful life?

There is no definition for what it means to live a meaningful life, despite societal ideals. It is up to each of us to make our own meaning of our experiences.

Look within to find who you are and what makes you feel good about your life and your impact on the world. Live consistently with this internal self.

8. If you had your schooling and career choice to do all over again, would you choose the same professional path? If not, what would you do differently and why?

If I had to choose an academic path again, I would likely choose the same path. I am very happy in my professional life.

9. If there’s one thing you wished your clients or patients knew about treatment or mental illness, what would it be?

Change is a process.

10. What personally do you do to cope with stress in your life?

I prioritize my own healthy stress management and utilize many of the skills I teach others to develop in order to maintain my own well-being. I engage in cognitive restructuring, practice relaxation, sleep, exercise, clean, and enjoy time with family and friends.

Structure helps me to feel in control of my stress; I make lists and organize my environment and responsibilities. My husband is also a psychologist and we find it helpful to talk with each another about the stressors in our lives.

Staying connected to friends is also helpful. Social support is a very important factor in resiliency, happiness, and well-being.

This month we’re pleased to present our interview with Ashley Eder, a licensed professional counselor in Boulder, Colo. There, Eder works in private practice with teens and adults. In addition to her work as a psychotherapist, she also supervises counselors toward their professional licensure and teaches as affiliate faculty in the counseling program at a local university.

Learn more about Ashley Eder at her website.

1. What’s surprised you the most about being a therapist?

I have been surprised and inspired by the bravery I see in my office. When I am working, I try to maintain a dual awareness of both my client’s reported [and] observed experience and also my own experience. Though I consider myself a pretty brave person interpersonally, I regularly notice in my own body when people have the bravery to tell me something that would have been hard for me to say or describe authentic behavior in their relationships that went against the established relationship dynamic. These acts of courage call me to live up to them in my own life.

2. What’s the latest and greatest book you’ve read related to mental health, psychology or psychotherapy?

One of the books that has made the biggest positive impression on me is Invisible Heroes: Survivors of Trauma and How They Heal by Belleruth Naparstek. This is really a survivor’s guide to PTSD. Not only does Naparstek understand the experience of trauma and its aftermath, she writes about it from such a compassionate place that it is possible to see the incredible ways that trauma deepens a person’s experience and awareness, and has the potential to create a more intuitive and empathic human being.

3. What’s the biggest myth about therapy?

The biggest myth about therapy is that going means you are sick. Going to therapy means you are interested in understanding yourself and your automatic habits so that you have more opportunities to live a purposeful and satisfying life.

4. What seems to be the biggest obstacle for clients in therapy?

The biggest obstacle I see for clients trying to participate in process-oriented therapy is the habit of approaching themselves or their issues like a particular problem that needs to be solved. In long-term therapy and insight-oriented therapy, everything is relevant about a person, and whatever comes up for them in the course of working together is important information about how they organize their experiences.

Sometimes what comes up will be related to whatever problem has brought them in, but equally often it will be the client’s reaction to talking to the therapist, the experiences the client has in personal relationships or at work, or a history of relating to the world in way that started as a child.

5. What’s the most challenging part about being a therapist?

Something I work with in myself is my own human instinct to want to fix people’s problems or make them feel better in the short run. This might sound surprising to some people — isn’t fixing problems and making people feel better what therapists get paid to do? Not really.

My job as someone’s therapist is to help them hold the entire experience of being a complex, messy, ambivalent human being. Often that looks like going toward pain so that it can resolve, feeling feelings that may have been cut short in the past, and accepting painful situations that cannot be changed.

6. What do you love about being a therapist?

I love the context of connecting deeply and authentically with another human being. So much of everyday life is actually fostered out of a place of disconnection, and I value the opportunity to be with people in a slow, deliberate, considerate place.

7. What’s the best advice you can offer to readers on leading a meaningful life?

Meaning is personally defined, and building a meaningful life means that you take the time to go inward and get to know your values, experiences, biases, and heart. Living from that place is infinitely easier when you know your inner terrain well.

8. If you had your schooling and career choice to do all over again, would you choose the same professional path? If not, what would you do differently and why?

Oh wow, this is a big question for me because counseling is not my first career and it was a winding road that got me here. On the one hand, I’m pleased with where I’ve arrived, and feel like my life experience and the time I had to work with my own issues greatly enhances the quality of my work.

On the other hand, I do wonder sometimes whether pursuing a PhD and working more in academia could have been a good fit as well. I have managed to do some post-graduate research and teaching, but it has taken more deliberation and patience than if I had followed the traditional research path. I would not trade in seeing clients though, and I understand balancing that with a faculty position and a personal life can be very tough.

9. If there’s one thing you wished your clients or patients knew about treatment or mental illness, what would it be?

I wish people everywhere had the freedom to trust themselves, and the understanding that following your own lead is what will get you where you want to go. It can take a lot of practice to open up to such deep listening, but inside each of us there is wisdom about what feels right and what feels wrong.

Your hunches, your habits, your decisions — they all come from this wisdom, even when they look like they are not on your side. When we open up to trusting these instincts, we have the chance to study them directly and can learn more about their purpose.

10. What personally do you do to cope with stress in your life?

I have quite the collection of stress-management approaches because what feels like a good fit depends on the situation and my mood. Trying to stay in a good self-care rhythm is the backbone of it all though, and for me that means regular sleep, regular exercise, food that I enjoy and that feels good in my body, time with people coupled with time alone, intellectual engagement coupled with some good old zoning out, and my own therapy or support.

This month we had the pleasure of talking to Christina Hibbert, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and expert in women’s emotional health across the lifespan; pregnancy and postpartum mental health; grief and loss; and parenting.

Hibbert is the founder of the Arizona Postpartum Wellness Coalition and author of the upcoming memoir This is How We Grow. A frequent speaker, she’s been called “The Singing Psychologist,” and often shares an original song or two when she speaks.

Hibbert is the mother of six energetic kids and has a private practice in Flagstaff, AZ. Get to know Christina Hibbert by visiting her website at www.drchristinahibbert.com.

1. What’s surprised you the most about being a therapist?
How similar we all are on the inside, despite how we appear on the outside. Deep down, we all just want acceptance and love.

2. What’s the latest and greatest book you’ve read related to mental health, psychology or psychotherapy?
My all-time favorite “greatest” book is Bonds That Make Us Free: Healing Our Relationships, Coming to Ourselves, by C. Terry Warner (I’ve read it 3 times!). Warner shows us how we “betray ourselves” in relationships by failing to act on impulses to do the “right” thing. Then, we end up fighting to protect our self-betrayal and this blocks out love.

For instance, if a dad hears his newborn cry and thinks “I should feed him so my wife can sleep,” but then falls asleep instead, he has betrayed himself. He then has to tell her all the “reasons why” he didn’t wake up (“I work all day, you know!”); she feels hurt, so does he, and the love has vanished. Understanding these principles has changed my world, and now it helps me change others’ worlds too!

3. What’s the biggest myth about therapy?
That the therapist is going to “fix” you. That’s not it at all. Therapy is a partnership, and when both parties do their part, change is the result. The therapist offers insights, suggestions, and tools, and the client implements them in his or her life. That’s what therapy is all about.

4. What seems to be the biggest obstacle for clients in therapy?
Implementing the insight gained from therapy into real life. One of the most common questions I get as a psychologist is: “What stops us (human beings) from making the change we know we need to make?”

And all I can say to that is that making change is tough business. But it’s also simpler than we think. It can take just an instant to choose to change — just an instant to make up your mind and do it.

Instead, we are our own worst enemies, standing in the way of the change we desire. My job is to not only help clients see and understand the need for change, but to help them “get out of their own way,” and let change happen.

5. What’s the most challenging part about being a therapist?
The emotional drain. It’s lovely to get to know clients on such a deep level — to be there with them in their most intimate moments. But it can take a lot out of you if you’re not careful.

I have to consciously choose to leave it all behind when I go home, and I have to set limits on how much I can give to clients so I still have enough to give to my family and myself. (For instance, at this time I only see clients one day a week. I spend the other days being a “stay-at-home-mom” while also blogging for my website and working on my upcoming book!)

6. What do you love about being a therapist?
The deep connection with clients. There’s nothing like feeling someone’s heart and helping them heal it. It bonds you for life. I also love being a psychologist for the opportunities it provides for other types of connections; through speaking, teaching, and writing I also connect with people. It’s wonderful to have a career with so many options.

7. What’s the best advice you can offer to readers on leading a meaningful life?
Make “space” to check in with yourself each day. Even 5-10 minutes to be still, meditate, ponder, or pray will make a huge difference in creating a meaningful life, for it will allow you to “unplug” and instead “tune in” to what really matters.

Ask yourself, “What matters most to me?” Then listen, and write it down. Compare everything you do each day to your list of “what matters most.” Pay attention to the things that do matter, and get rid of all that doesn’t. Repeat this process often, and your life will be full of love, joy, and meaning.

(Hibbert has written more on these topics in her posts “What Matters Most,” and “Joy is in the Moments: 3 Tips for Discovering & Appreciating the Joy in Life.”)

8. If you had your schooling and career choice to do all over again, would you choose the same professional path? If not, what would you do differently and why?
I would absolutely choose the same path. I love what I do. The only thing I might do differently is add a minor in music and songwriting. It’s a favorite hobby of mine I often incorporate into my talks and seminars, and I’d love to have more expertise in that area!

9. If there’s one thing you wished your clients or patients knew about treatment or mental illness, what would it be?
That’s there’s so much more to life than just “feeling better.” Many of us are simply hoping to overcome mental illness—to just “feel better.” But we’re shooting far too low. That’s why my tagline is “Overcoming, Becoming, Flourishing.”

I want everyone to know that life isn’t just about overcoming challenges—it’s about becoming who we’re meant to be and even living a life that’s flourishing!

Don’t settle for just “being better.” Keep with it until you’re “better than better”!

10. What do you do to cope with stress in your life?
I put myself to bed early as often as I can so I can be up early and feel rested the next day. I take an “hour of power” each morning, including exercise, meditation, prayer, and scripture study before getting the kids ready and out the door. This gets me centered and focused on what really matters for my day. I strive to give my family my full attention when I’m with them, so I’m very careful about taking on new projects that can’t be done in the few hours when everyone’s at school.

I take a little time each afternoon to rest, read, nap or relax before my kids get home and my “night shift” begins. I also know I need time alone to de-stress and I love to travel, so I try to get away for a night or two as often as I can (with six kids, leaving the house is often the only chance I get to just “be me”!).

I also take baths, walks, talk with my husband, and get a massage at least once a month. And music is a great stress-reliever! If I’m really needing help, I’ll sit down at the piano or guitar and write a new song or sing!

Yes, it’s September. Your children are back in school and it is time for my annual article urging parents to work toward creating a healthier and better-rounded education for their children.

In a recent three-week period, there were three newspaper articles underscoring how schools have increasingly become pressure cookers that may be harmful to your children. A few years ago, in the Boston Globe, there was an article about some local high schools trying to develop ways of reducing teen stress. I have reported in past columns about the epidemic of anxiety, depression, and eating disorders among high school students. Parents and high school staff, especially in affluent suburbs, have become obsessed with building resumes in order to get into the best possible colleges, even though the evidence continues to say that the college you go to is not a significant predictor of life success.

The Globe article described groups of parents and staff who are recognizing this and even report that college admissions offices are accepting some responsibility for this trend. The admissions staff are concerned about a rise in the number of new students who are arriving on campuses in poor physical and mental health. (Again, I have reported before about the epidemic of mental health problems among college students that are simply overwhelming the inadequately staffed college counseling centers.)

Small steps being taken by some schools include eliminating homework over vacations, eliminating mid-year exams, and adding yoga to phys ed. (Of course phys ed is disappearing from our schools!) I love the idea of yoga classes in high schools. There is an abundance of evidence that teaching some form of stress management is essential for reducing the negative impact of excessive stress. In turn, learning to manage stress is a critical component in developing problem-solving skills and boosting self-confidence.

Of course, some administrators see this as psychobabble and talk about asking more of their students rather than less. I think these administrators are more concerned with the ranking of their high schools than the needs of their students. In our country’s obsession with getting results now, we are turning high schools into junior colleges with an ever-increasing focus on having students taking honors and advanced placement courses. Meanwhile, high schools continue to ignore the plea by physicians that our teens are suffering from sleep deprivation, noting that high school schedules (early morning starts) ignore the changing sleep patterns of teens. Research has shown that students learn more when they have had a good night’s sleep and have eaten a reasonable breakfast and lunch. Such obvious needs are being ignored. And we trust our children’s welfare to these people?

On August 6th, a Boston Globe article reported that elementary school lunches are shrinking. In just the past two years, lunch periods, on average, have been reduced from 30 minutes to 24 minutes. That’s the lunch period. Subtract the time it takes to get to the cafeteria, assuming the students leave class exactly on time (which, reportedly is often not the case), and children generally have less than 20 minutes to eat. Much too rushed.

It’s not only about having time to eat. Lunch period is an important socializing time as well as a break from the rigors of the classroom. When you add to this, reports of shrinking recess as well, there is a clear pattern of schools increasing anxiety about statewide test scores and trying to cram more academics into the school day. The school day unfortunately has become increasingly focused on teaching to the tests and less on teachers being able to introduce creative curriculum.

If there really isn’t enough time in the school day to address all these needs, why not lengthen the school day? When did six hours become the golden rule? The best of our schools, highly rated private day schools, keep children all day and add mandatory participation in sports as well as providing increased access to teachers and smaller classes so education can be more individualized. No reason public schools can’t do this. Except for unions. Private school teachers do this for less pay and benefits. It shouldn’t be about the money. Most teachers spend hours at home correcting papers and planning classes. If they had a longer day at work, time could be made available for their “homework” to be done at school.

The distorted expectations just keep creeping downward. The pressure to achieve academically is increasingly dominating our model of education, ignoring the old saying about teaching the total child – cognitive, social and emotional aspects need to be balanced for a healthy life. Schools are failing our children by ignoring the social and emotional needs and parents have unfortunately become their accomplices in this process. In fact, parents are often the driving force.

But in reality, we don’t need to do anything at all. We are enough just as we are.

In this month’s “Therapists Spill” series, four clinicians reveal when and how they realized that they are truly enough.

For Julie Hanks, LCSW, a therapist, writer and blogger at PsychCentral.com, being a performer and songwriter spotlighted her worries of being good enough. But ultimately embracing her imperfections on stage finally helped her see the truth.

I’ve spent many years feeling that I should be different than I was. I should be thinner, more talented, more confident, smarter, more disciplined. In addition to being a therapist I’m also a performing songwriter. Feelings of “not being good enough” created a lot of stress related to being on stage and offering my songs, especially in live concert settings.

I remember 15 years ago talking with one of my producers and expressing my dissatisfaction with my technical skills playing guitar and piano. He looked at me and said, “People don’t respond to your songs because you’re a great technical musician. They like you because of the genuineness in your lyrics. Just be you. Give your gift.”

The next time I performed I felt freer to be me. I’ve learned over the years to embrace the imperfections in my musical performances and use them to show that I am real. Some of the most memorable moments for audiences have been when I’ve forgotten a chord and strummed the same chord over and over while singing, “Yes, I did write this song. I just can’t remember the next chord. So I’ll just play this one until it comes back to me,” as the audience and I laughed, and then I went on and finished the song.

Another important concept about being good enough is the idea of separating my worth from my performance. My worth is unchanging and is inherent because I was born. I exist. Period. My performance, however, on any given day, in any area may be great or poor or somewhere in between.

Recognizing that my performance isn’t tied to my worth has allowed me to develop a more stable sense of self, to feel freer to express myself in all aspects of life, and to accept criticism in a more helpful way.

Christina G. Hibbert, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and expert in postpartum mental health, realized that she was enough after picking up the pieces after a family tragedy.

Even though I’ve worked for years helping others feel like “enough,” I don’t think I really internalized being enough “just as I am” until a few years ago. In 2007 my sister and her husband both died tragically, and we inherited our 6- and 10-year-old nephews just weeks before I gave birth to our fourth child, bringing us from three to six children practically overnight.

Before, there had been times when I’d felt like I wasn’t enough — as a mother, psychologist, friend, wife — but this was the first time I completely doubted if I was “enough” at all.

What I realized, over time, was that I had been measuring “enough” in all the wrong ways. Enough isn’t about what I do or don’t do, what I say or don’t say, or even who I appear to be; being “enough” is simple –i t’s about love.

Each moment I love my children, I am enough.

Each day that I wake up, out of love, and work for my family, I am enough. And even the days when I don’t feel very loving, I am enough.

I used to ask my clients, “What if you were paralyzed from the neck down and you could no longer do anything but sit there and be? Would you be enough?”

What I know now for sure is that full of love is the only thing we need to be, and loving is the only thing we need to do. When I am full of love, I am most fully me, and that is always enough.

Ryan Howes, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist in Pasadena, California, and former perfectionist, discovered the power in imperfection.

I’m glad you used the term “good enough” instead of “perfect,” because it was reading Donald Winnicott’s concept of the “good enough mother” that freed me from the bondage of my inner perfectionist.

Winnicott proposed the radical idea that mothers who display an “ordinary loving care for her baby,” with occasional screw-ups, misfires, and empathic breaches made room for the infant to develop a sense of self as well as the ability to understand and forgive themselves and others. Perfect attunement at all times prevents development in these areas.

As a young therapist, I was terrified of making mistakes that could upset the client or reveal my inexperience. But after reading Winnicott and experiencing the benefits of “good enough” vs. “perfect” a few times in session, I was able to relax.

For example, more than once through the years, I’ve failed to schedule the right time for my appointment, leaving a client without a session. In the next session, after my embarrassed apology, we usually delve into a discussion of the feelings of abandonment that were stirred up and end up having a powerful session.

Personal therapy helped Joyce Marter, LCPC, psychotherapist and owner of Urban Balance, LLC, realize that it’s OK to struggle, and this struggle doesn’t take away from being inherently normal or enough. It’s part of our humanity. She also noted the importance of focusing away from the external as a measure of worth.

To be human is to deal with the various psychological issues that therapists help clients address, manage and overcome. Dealing with stress, depression, anxiety, self-esteem problems and relationship issues are normal life issues that we all face as part of the human condition. We are not crazy or bad or inadequate. We are human.

…

I laugh because in my own personal therapy, I have thanked my therapist multiple times for “making me feel normal.” Her standard response every time is “you are normal.” I have finally integrated this belief and understand that even when feeling overwhelmed, irrational, confused, emotional or any of the other challenges we all face from time to time, I no longer view those states as meaning that somehow I am not normal or not enough. We are all works in progress and nobody is perfect.

…

We often over-identify with the externals in our lives — how we look, what we wear, where we live, our job title, our education, our relationship status, our bank account, etc. Focusing on these externals is a recipe for feelings of perpetual inadequacy as perfection is unattainable and sometimes enough is never enough.

Sometimes we focus on the externals so that we will feel good enough about ourselves to feel we deserve love (i.e., “If I lose 10 pounds, then I will be datable”). If you focus on the inside, the outside will fall into place.

As Eckhart Tolle suggests in A New Earth, detach from ego and focus on your essence — the deeper being within — your true self — perhaps even your soul. Let go of the external and focus on how you really are inside. You are already perfect, lovable and enough just the way you are.

We all know those people who try to pump themselves up with more and more accomplishments, whether it be material possessions, multiple credentials behind their name, or compulsive participation in competitive sporting events.

For some, enough is never enough and they keep chasing the external successes hoping that the internal feelings of self-acceptance will follow. In therapy, I work with clients on achieving self-acceptance and self-love. Then those accomplishments can be enjoyed for what they are, rather than a way to fill oneself up.

1. Write a better story for your day. According to John Duffy, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist and author of the book The Available Parent: Radical Optimism for Raising Teens and Tweens:

For life improvement, I suggest the reader put life on pause, for at least a few moments a day, and consider what you’d like to accomplish today, and the vibe you want to carry.

Years ago, a client of mine was searching for a guidepost or mantra by which to live his life. After much soul-searching, he decided that, with every decision he makes, every day, he wanted to write the “better story.”

The better story might be getting up earlier rather than sleeping in [or] reaching out to help someone instead of passively ignoring their need… This turned out to be an enormous gift to me, as I now try to do this every day.

2. Identify what’s keeping you stuck. According to Deborah Serani, Psy.D, a clinical psychologist and author of the book Living with Depression, “This approach gets you to be both reflective and active, [which are] two steps necessary for change.”

1) Stop and see what it is that’s keeping you stuck right now. Oftentimes it’s a blind spot you can’t see, so taking time to mull things over helps you see more clearly. Is it a decision you’re afraid to make? Are certain people bringing you down? Are you in a cycle of negative thinking?
2) Look around you to how this blind spot is touching your life. Is it only at home? Or just at work [or] school? and finally
3) Listen to what your heart and mind tell you about what you need to do. Learning to reflect on your inner thoughts and feelings will help you trust putting them into action.

3. Get to bed earlier tonight. As clinical psychologist Ari Tuckman, PsyD, said, getting enough sleep is “an obvious but often overlooked” strategy.

It’s easy to steal time from sleep by staying up “just a little longer,” whether it’s to finish the laundry or finish a TV show. There’s always something that needs to be done or some fun temptation that keeps us from getting into bed on time. The problem is that the reward is had immediately — which makes it hard to resist — but the price is paid tomorrow.

It’s not uncommon to get a second wind at night, even if you were tired during the day, so that makes it even harder to stick to your bedtime. Unfortunately, even one short night’s sleep hampers our complex problem-solving, attention, and memory and makes us more irritable and short-tempered. This gets even worse when several short nights stack up.

The solution is easy to say but harder to do: Get into bed on time and you’ll feel better all the next day and hopefully get more work done, too. Of course, if you have someone that you sleep next to, then you should both get into bed even a little earlier and try to make some things happen. This will help both of you sleep better.

4. Participate in a physical activity you enjoy. Tuckman, also author of the book Understand Your Brain, Get More Done: The ADHD Executive Functions Workbook, said:

Regular exercise is an important part of not just physical health, but also mental health. It’s also one of the first things to go when we get busy. To prevent it from getting squeezed out, make it sacred and don’t let anything else intrude.

Otherwise, there will always be some other demand on your time and you’ll never get that workout in. A walk around the neighborhood is better than nothing, if that’s all you have time for, but for the most benefit you need to break a sweat.

Working out with someone else can make it more enjoyable…

5. Focus on right now. According to Alison Thayer, LCPC, CEAP, a psychotherapist at Urban Balance, LLC this can be challenging, especially in today’s world:

This is difficult for everyone, even therapists. It can be very difficult to focus on what is directly in front of you and ensure that you are fully present.

Today’s technology and expectation to be connected or available to work at all times is one of the most prominent challenges people face when trying to be present in the “here and now.”

Added Joyce Marter, LCPC, psychotherapist and owner of Urban Balance, LLC:

Honor the past, learn from it, accept it and let it go. Don’t obsess or worry about the future. Life is more manageable when you are grounded in the present. Achieve clarity through mindfulness practices such as deep breathing and meditation.

6. Set a realistic and attainable goal. Impossibly sky-high aspirations can be problematic. Thayer explained:

Setting goals is a key step in accomplishments. However, I often see clients with lofty goals that may not even be realistic. Holding ourselves to goals that we cannot reach can damage our self-esteem and inhibit our interest in trying to reach these goals again.

When setting your mind to reach a goal, ask yourself “Is this realistic and can I actually attain this goal?” If the answer is no, consider breaking the goal down into intermediate steps or modifying it altogether.

7. Reframe a situation in a positive light. Thayer shared several suggestions for taking a different and more positive stance.

There’s a reason why the saying “When life throws you lemons, make lemonade” has been around for years. When things aren’t going right, ask yourself “Could things be worse?” or “Is there anything I can take out of this that can be a benefit to me?”

More often than not, there is a positive aspect to things that happen, even those that feel negative. Try to view it in a different light and you may find your attitude turn around.

8. Be grateful, and pass it on. “If you focus on what you don’t have, you will be unhappy and attract negativity. Be grateful for what you have and you will be attract positivity, opportunity and success,” Marter said.

Emily Campbell, LCPC, CEAP, a psychotherapist at Urban Balance, LLC, suggested “Send[ing] a short note of appreciation to someone for something you appreciated about them this week.”

9. Relinquish what you can’t control. “Empower yourself to change what you can, and let go of the rest. Don’t expend your energy trying to control others. Focus on yourself,” Marter said.

10. Create an intention. According to Marter, “As in sports psychology, positive visualization increases the likelihood of success. We largely create our own realities through our thoughts and intentions, so clarify them by writing out your careers goals and objectives.”

Thayer suggested carving out time to set intentions for the following day. “Make it a ritual and part of your daily routine, like in the shower, when driving to work, or drinking your morning coffee,” she said.

Below, Sumber reveals what’s surprised him the most about being a therapist and the challenge of balancing burnout with making a difference. He shares the importance of shifting our paradigms, discovering our own definitions of meaning and much more.

Sumber also teaches sociology and psychology at National-Louis University and joyfully serves as a non-denominational wedding officiant on behalf of his company, Celebrate Love Chicago!

You can learn more about Sumber’s coaching at The Mindful Prepper, which he describes as “mindfulness coaching and preparing the Self for whatever life throws at us.” And you can find additional information about Sumber and his work at his main website.

1. What’s surprised you the most about being a therapist?

I have never really gotten used to the intensity of impact I have on clients over the course of treatment. While it is inevitable that my comfort level, trust and relaxation increases over time in the therapeutic relationship, it is forever humbling to find that even the simplest, off-the-cuff statements in a session can be taken in unintended ways. Even those “chance” interactions with clients in public places have an impact and will likely lead to process in the therapy office. Being a therapist has impacted my behavior in public, the choices I make on social networking sites and even the level of political activism I choose. I still haven’t gotten used to that.

2. What’s the latest and greatest book you’ve read related to mental health, psychology or psychotherapy?

When I was in high school, I applied to Harvard for my undergraduate experience and one of the questions my interviewer asked me was to please list the last 5 books I had read that month. My face turned pale and I ended up walking away with a pit in my stomach, not even to apply (until I went to graduate school). I have been listening to a series of tapes by Tony Robbins and his work with couples called “Get the Edge.” I prefer listening and watching than reading.

3. What’s the biggest myth about therapy?

The biggest myth about therapy is that it is now mainstream. While there are far more people exposed to and participating in therapy today than ever before, it is simply not true that being in treatment does not carry with it some level of stigma or projection for clients, their families, friends and acquaintances. Whether it is secrecy from work, fear of insurance claims affecting future jobs, or even simply a new relationship and the concern over sharing “too much” about what that weekly appointment is all about, I do not believe that we are “there” yet as a society when it comes to mental health as a spectrum, not an either/or.

4. What seems to be the biggest obstacle for clients in therapy?

I find that many clients struggle with the notion of paradigm shift. While learning more effective modes of communication as well as strategies for choosing more supportive actions are essential to the success of counseling, I find that the ideological shift from one belief system to another is the most formidable challenge. Many people believe they can impact their lives in a long term, sustainable manner simply by changing their behaviors and I simply do not believe this to be the case. Unless we rethink the soil in which we are planting new seeds, we can expect only limited change into the future. Oftentimes it is the acknowledgment of an old paradigm breeding destructive patterns that serves as the greatest opening for a client and from this place, I work with individuals to envision a new worldview that opens the door for new ways of thinking, feeling and creating their lives.

5. What’s the most challenging part about being a therapist?

The most challenging part of being a therapist for me is tempering my desire to make a difference and help clients change their lives with the slippery slope of burnout and self-care. The inevitable biorhythm of private practice and its ebb and flow of steady, sustainable client hours tends to prod us toward taking on more sessions in a week than is probably healthy and yet the consequences of maintaining a waiting list or turning folks away is that they will likely move on. Identifying the maximum number of reasonable hours in session per week and then STICKING to that number is an ongoing challenge for me and is a direct factor in the process of burnout.

6. What do you love about being a therapist?

I love so much about being a therapist! I can’t believe how lucky I am to have found a path in life that is in absolute alignment with my values, outlook on the world as well as my desire to make enough income to live comfortably without being excessive. Life as a therapist is a life in relationship to balance for me, and I am ever engaged in that process toward balance whether it be between work/personal life, professional/social, practical/spiritual, time/energy, etc. Loving what I do, doing what I love is the greatest example to clients who struggle with being dissatisfied with their jobs.

7. What’s the best advice you can offer to readers on leading a meaningful life?

Wow. For starters, uncovering one’s own definition of meaning is a great launching pad. Asking “who” instead of “what” or “how” tends to orient the process in a solid way and from there, when we know who we are asking the questions, we can start to explore what we want and what we’re willing to do about that. For myself, moving through an old pattern of projecting the reasons why I can’t be at peace or in joy onto others was a tremendous piece of personal work without which I do not believe I would have created a meaningful life. Taking full responsibility for every moment in my day from first dawn to lights out has been instrumental in embracing my life as I manifest it. I find the old recording of “I can’t” or “I don’t know” to be just downright tiresome. Remove it from your vocabulary and things begin to shift.

8. If you had your schooling and career choice to do all over again, would you choose the same professional path? If not, what would you do differently and why?

Yes. My focus on international relations and political philosophy in college helped me understand the world in ways that have added much to my work as well as the years studying religion prior to my degree in psychology. I am grateful for degrees in non-psychological pursuits rather than a Ph.D because I feel it has given me a unique approach to this field and allows me to approach counseling from a somewhat different angle than many of my peers.

9. If there’s one thing you wished your clients or patients knew about treatment or mental illness, what would it be?

That only insurance companies believe that deep, penetrating shifts in the way we understand ourselves happens in a few months. “We are not water heaters” as my analyst told me the first day I sat before him long ago.

10. What personally do you do to cope with stress in your life?

Every morning when I shut the water off in my shower, I stand quietly, shrouded in my towel, and breathe deeply. No ritual, no religious significance, no laws of attracting this or that: I just breathe and feel my Self. Until my wife says, “Are you doing your breathing thing?”

Below, Moss explains why understanding our dreams is so important, how we can explore our dreams, what to do if we don’t dream and much more.

Moss is the author of Dreaming the Soul Back Home, Active Dreaming, The Secret History of Dreaming, and numerous other books about dreaming, shamanism, and imagination. His fascination with the dream world began in his childhood in Australia.

During that time, he had three near-death experiences and first learned the ways of a traditional dreaming people through his friendship with Aborigines. Visit him online at www.mossdreams.com.

Q: How do you define a “dream”?

A: A dream is a wake-up call. It takes us beyond what we already know. Dreams are the language of the soul, and they are experiences of the soul.

There are “big” dreams and “little” dreams, of course. In big dreams, we go traveling and we may receive visitations. We travel across time – into the future and the past – and we travel to other dimensions of reality. This is reflected in the words for “dream” that are used by indigenous people who have retained strong dreaming traditions and respect for dreamers.

Among the Makiritare, a shamanic dreaming people of Venezuela, for example, the word for dream is “adekato,” which means “a journey of the soul.”

Q: On your website, you write “Dreaming isn’t just what happens during sleep; dreaming is waking up to sources of guidance, healing, and creativity beyond the reach of the everyday mind.” What do you mean by that?

A: Too often we go about in waking life in the condition of sleepwalkers, following schedules, trying to fit in with other people’s expectations and deadlines, out of touch with the deeper meaning of our lives.

Dreaming, we find our inner compass and the larger story of our lives, from which we can draw courage and clarity to make better choices when confronted with everyday challenges.

The wake-up call may come in a sleep dream. It may come in that liminal state of hypnagogia when we are drifting between sleep and waking; this is a marvelous space for creative discovery, when we can make connections that escape the ordinary mind, as I explain in my Secret History of Dreaming.

We may receive the wake-up call in the midst of everyday life, through the play of meaningful coincidence or a pop-up symbol from the world about us; navigating by synchronicity is the dreamer’s way of operating 24/7.

We can learn to travel into the dream world wide awake and conscious, in the way of the ancient shamans, as I teach people to do in my Active Dreaming approach. In this way, we can journey to places of healing and guidance in nonordinary reality and bring back gifts.

In my new book, Dreaming the Soul Back Home, I explain how we can develop the skills of lucid dream travel to find and bring home parts of our vital energy and identity that may have gone missing in life, so we can be whole and strong.

Q: Why is it important to analyze our dreams?

A: For starters:

• We solve problems in our sleep
• Dreams coach us for future challenges and opportunities
• Dreams show us what the body needs to stay well – and get well
• Dreams hold up a “magic mirror” to our current actions and attitudes, helping us to take an objective look at ourselves and make wiser choices
• Dreams are a creative studio where we develop new ideas – as inventors, scientists, writers and world-changers have always done.

Beyond all the above, dreams put us in touch with our BIGGER story and our larger purpose.

Q: What are the best ways that readers can start analyzing their dreams?

A: First, consider your feelings on waking. Those feelings will be your first and best guidance on the nature and meaning of the dream – whether it is negative or positive, literal or symbolic, urgent or important or trivial.

Then, do a reality check: Compare the contents of the dream with your waking life and compare the situation and behavior of your dream self with that or your everyday self. If you are running away from something in your dream, where may you be running away from something in regular life?

Ask, of any dream: Is it possible that any part of this could manifest in the future? Dreams are constantly rehearsing us for challenges and opportunities that lie ahead. If you feel that a dream may portend an unpleasant future event, you may be able to work with that dream to avoid that unwanted possible future.

A good game to play is to ask “What part of me?” is each of the characters and elements in a dream. However, we also want to remember that dreams are transpersonal as well as personal, so that your deceased grandmother in your dream (for example) may not only be a part of you that is like Grandma or carries her attitudes – but your actual grandmother making a visitation, which is the kind of thing that goes on very frequently in dreams.

Learn how to share dreams with a friend in a mutually helpful way. I have invented a simple four-step technique for doing this that I call the Lightning Dreamwork. We start by learning to tell our stories to each other simply and clearly. We ask each other a few essential questions (“Feelings?” “Could any of this happen in the future?”); then we offer mutually empowering feedback by saying, “If it were my dream, I would think about such-and-such.”

Finally, we encourage each other to take action to bring guidance and energy from the dream into regular life. I explain this technique in my book The Three “Only” Things.

Q: Is there such a thing as a right and wrong interpretation of one’s dreams?

A: What is always wrong is to tell anyone else what their dreams (or their lives) mean, or to let them do that to you. We must become authors of meaning for our dreams and our lives. In our efforts to understand our dreams we often get it “wrong” because the dream reflects a situation that hasn’t developed yet, and we fail to look carefully enough at how the dream may reflect something that is developing in our world but is not yet manifest.

We may also get it “wrong” by failing to discern whether a dream is literal, symbolic, or an experience of a separate reality.

Q: Many people say that they don’t dream, which probably means that they simply can’t remember their dreams. What can readers do to remember their dreams?

A: Before you go to bed, write down an intention for the night. Make sure your intention has some juice. Don’t make dream recall one more chore to fit in with all the others.

Ask to meet your dream lover, or go to Hawaii without paying for the plane ticket, or to have fun in the night and remember. Keep pen and paper (or a recorder) next to your bed so you are ready to record something when you wake up.

Record something whenever you wake up, even if it’s at 3 a.m. If you don’t remember a dream when you first wake up, laze in bed for a few minutes and see if something comes back. If you still don’t have a dream, write something down anyway: whatever is in your awareness, including feelings and physical sensations.

You are catching the residue of a dream even if the dream itself is gone. And as you do this, you are saying to the source of your dreams, “I’m listening. Talk to me.”

Don’t give up on fragments from your night dreams. The wispiest trace of a dream can be exciting to play with, and as you play with it you may find you are pulling back more of the previously forgotten dream.

Q: Anything else you’d like readers to know about analyzing their dreams?

A: Dreams require action. If we do not do something with our dreams, we will not dream well. The action might be as simple as Googling a funny word, as I did while doing this interview (see my blog post).

We might decide to wear the color red because we were flaunting it in the dream, or to get in touch with an old friend who showed up, or to avoid that road accident in a possible future previewed by a dream.

As we grow our practice as active dreamers, we may want to reenter a dream to resolve nightmare terrors, talk to a dream guide, go on with an adventure, or access sources of healing and guidance or reclaim a child self or a connection with the Greater Self.

It was a pleasure to read some recent newspaper articles describing the large number of teens involved in charity work, especially the many “Walk for….” events. With the growth of gender equality in athletic funding, more teens than ever are involved in sports. Drug use in most areas has been down although alcohol use is up. Unfortunately, cigarette smoking, primarily among adolescent girls, is also up.

The vast majority of teens go to school every day, do a reasonable amount of their work, socialize with friends a lot (especially on the phone), and actually talk to their parents. There are always the music fads and clothing fads, frequently greeted with disapproval by parents. But parents of today’s teenagers are a special lot themselves, for most are products of the 1960s and have vivid memories of their own abuse of sex, drugs, and rock ‘n’ roll. For some parents, this enables them to be more understanding of their kids, especially a generation that is less rebellious than their own. Other parents, however, are ashamed of what they did, don’t want to talk about it, and crack down on their own teens out of fear.

The biggest problems for the current generation of adolescents is the breakdown of family structure. The dominance of absent parents, through divorce and dual incomes, makes communication more difficult. Teens don’t have conversation on demand. To gain insight into your 15-year-old’s thinking, you need to be around each other enough that you catch them at a moment when they want to talk. That’s become extremely difficult when parents are hardly around. Thus, one of the parenting challenges is to find opportunities for one-on-one time, even if it’s just doing some errands together or driving a child to an activity. While carpools are sometimes essential to survival and bringing another child along may be necessary, try as often as possible to make it just one parent/one teen. It’s those moments when something personal may actually come up.

A major concern is the amount of unsupervised time teens have due to not having a parent at home in the afternoons. It is important to have some agreement for touching base during the afternoons. Usually this is a telephone conversation. While some teens will resist what they interpret as distrust — “Why do you have to check up on me?” — most will appreciate the underlying care and protection of parental limits regardless of their complaints. It is also helpful if there are friends or neighbors around who can be a checkpoint for your teen. Ideally, many teens are involved in some structured activity at least a few afternoons a week or may work part-time.

Probably the biggest challenge for parents is trying to create a new mix in their relationships with teenage children. You need to be less authoritarian, creating a blend of parent, guide, and friend. Rules need to be open to more negotiation, yet parents must still set the outer limits firmly. I often use the analogy of moving back the fences of the corral so the young horses have enough room to run without feeling the need to jump the fence. It means both parties need to understand each other better. Don’t expect your teenager to open up to you if it’s not reciprocated. Not stories about how hard you worked at their age, but stories of your own struggles to navigate adolescence and some of the mistakes you made and still turned out okay. It also includes sharing some of your struggles in today’s world. Too often we try to protect our children from the challenges of daily life. The result is not only a distorted view of what they should expect as adults, but also a one-sided demand for openness. Share just enough that you are a real person to them as much as you want them to be a real person to you.

Of course, for some, adolescence is a painful, even dangerous, time. Depression, drug addiction, teenage pregnancies, school failure, and acting out against others occurs in many families. In these situations special help should be sought to assist in trying to solve the problems. But, for today, I just thought teens deserved some positive press. The vast majority have adapted well, despite parental fears, and credit goes to parents, schools, community organizations, and the kids themselves.

One 4-year-old boy, whose family had moved to a new state at the beginning of the summer, seemed to adjust surprisingly well. He had a great summer. His parents couldn’t believe it because he tended to have trouble dealing with change. In September, he started at his new nursery school. Suddenly he became sad, clingy, and began to soil – all the behaviors the parents had originally expected. Talking with this child gradually revealed that he had intuitively believed that living in the new home was just a summer vacation, like when the family had gone to the shore the previous year. He expected to be reunited with his friends in September. It was only then that he truly realized this was permanent and became upset. Of course his parents had explained the move, but he only heard what he wanted to believe.

In the hectic times following a move, parents often don’t have the energy to work extra hard on helping a child settle into the proper routine. A 3-year-old girl didn’t like her new home and refused to sleep in her new bedroom. It was easier to just let her fall asleep night after night in the parents’ bed. As life settled down, they became increasingly frustrated with being unable to get their daughter to sleep in her own bed.

A 6-year-old boy had no problems sleeping anywhere, until the family moved into a new home that was much larger and the boy’s bedroom was now upstairs, removed from the flow of activity. The new bedroom suddenly was inhabited with scary creatures only visible to a young boy.

Moving can be very disorienting to a young child. They are tiny creatures in a world full of giants and much confusion. They rely on predictability and attachment to caretakers to generate a sense of security. Parents often believe that using words will suffice to create an understanding of what the child is about to experience. But young children do not comprehend the meaning of words describing experiences they have yet to experience! It may seem as if they do – but don’t be fooled.

This means trying to use any strategy that can make the change as concrete and tangible as possible. Buy a new dollhouse, set it up in another part of the house, move the family and their furniture, and play out the expected activities that occur after moving. Create a book about moving, with drawings and photographs of the old house and new house. Read children’s books to them about moving. Even though it makes moving day more hectic, have the children around as the movers load the truck. Children will rely on their magical thinking and childhood logic to address the logistics of moving. They need real experiences to help guide them through the process – even if seeing their belongings carried out of the house is initially distressing.

A favorite recommendation is to create a box of objects that provide a concrete connection to the old house. Take a shoebox and have the child fill it with leaves, rocks, and other small objects from the yard. Use a digital camera and allow the child to direct what pictures she wants. By seeing them instantly, she can let you know if you’ve captured what she wants. You may also have some of her neighborhood friends put small objects in the box as well as a picture of the friends.

Object permanency is elusive for a very young child. Out of sight often means it is gone. A few months after moving, especially if the child is expressing a dislike for the new home, make a trip back to the old home. “See, it is still there.” “See the new family and their new furniture in the house.” Yes, some children will be angry – “My house!” But that gives you a chance to help them vent the anger, working it through in play, conversation, or drawings. Then the child may be ready to complete the move.

As for the frequent night fears and sleep disruptions, keep the bedtime process in the child’s bedroom, meaning that you may need to stay in the room until the child falls asleep. Other regressions may also occur such as baby talk and loss of toilet training. This is partly a normal response to stress, partly a wish to return to the past. The child needs to be told that his being sad or mad or scared is normal. At the center of this must be the awareness that the young child’s distress increases the need to reaffirm his attachment to you, for that bond is the essence of his sense of security. Don’t lose sight of that in the midst of all your distractions caused by the move and, gradually, everyone will settle in.

Q: My son is four years old and he rules the house. His first response to everything is “No!” Getting him dressed, getting him to eat breakfast, getting him off to nursery school or day care is a daily struggle. He throws tantrums whenever he isn’t getting what he wants – and sometimes even when he does. He’s very jealous of his 2-year-old sister and constantly goes after her. He wears me down. I know I’m losing it too much and screaming at him, of course, to no avail.

My husband and I try to discipline him but he won’t stay in time out – he keeps walking out of his room. And trying to get him to stay in his bed at night is another constant challenge along with attempting to have a peaceful dinner. Yet he can be a warm, affectionate child and, at times, is a delight to play with or read to. At school, they tell me he’s terrific! That makes me feel that I’m doing something wrong. I know we’re not being very consistent with our discipline. My husband and I often end up yelling at each other for not following through. Any suggestions?

A: Whenever parents are struggling with a very difficult-to-manage child, the first step is to consult with your physician, including an allergist, to make sure there is nothing medical affecting your child’s behavior. As a mental health professional, I take a careful early history to ascertain if this is primarily an issue of temperament, i.e., is there clear evidence of challenges right from the beginning? Another related avenue to explore is the more recently identified concept of sensory integration problems, often suggested by a history of not being calmed by touch, fear reactions to loud noises or frequently pulling off clothing (possibly caused by certain materials being irritating).

Whatever the cause, it is important to begin by recognizing that you cannot control your child’s behavior. It is a false expectation that contributes to a parent’s notion of being a failure or results in sometimes very harmful efforts to become even more authoritarian and angry. The only things you can control are your behavior and the consequences of your child’s behavior, which you must learn to actively and consistently manage so that your child learns to make improved choices. For many children this is an easy process because they are naturally eager to please or are very even-tempered. But some children are impulsive, moody, deficient in the ability to calm themselves and very needy of attention. These children with difficult temperaments may always struggle in that they tend to persist in a higher rate of making unacceptable choices. They present special challenges to all parents.

It’s important to realize that parenting is not a one-way process. Children influence parents as least as much as the reverse. So when you have a child who is difficult from an early age, you begin to have doubts about yourself as a parent and begin to have feelings of resentment toward this child. The latter is typically admitted with significant feelings of guilt. These doubts and negative emotions make it even more difficult to parent effectively.

It is very common for the parents of a challenging child to think of themselves as being bad parents, especially mothers, whom our society burdens with a sense of responsibility for the behavior of their children. Yet these same parents typically have one or more additional children who are doing very well but the parents don’t take any credit for that!

It is typically a relief just to help parents understand that they are not the cause of this child’s difficulties and that they cannot do anything to change the child’s core makeup. What is most likely happening by the time they reach my office is that they have been worn out by the process and are now doing things that are probably increasing the challenging behaviors.

Let’s get to some guidelines about what to do. Mornings are a challenge. It helps to remember that a central issue for this child is probably an exaggerated need for attention, a combination of problems with soothing himself and being able to stay focused on activities when alone. These children often do better in a school setting because it is typically highly structured and they are influenced to follow the rules by the rest of the children. When they do have a problem in preschool, it is usually when the program is less structured, the environment is too noisy, or their need for attention results in conflict with other children.

The extra need for structure is very important to these children. They are less able to create their own. So borrow from your preschool, which usually has the daily schedule on a big poster with pictures, and the children review it routinely. Thus, parents should create, with the child’s assistance, a large poster that outlines the morning routine. Include times, a brief statement of the task to be completed, and a picture or drawing of the task. Place a large, analog clock next to the poster. Then, throughout the morning, keep referring to the poster: “It’s 7:20 and the poster says you are supposed to have brushed your teeth already. Oh-oh, you better hurry up or you won’t be done getting dressed by 7:35.” It’s as if the poster is in charge, not the parent — you can’t argue with a poster!

If possible, build into the end of the schedule a brief playtime which, of course, can only happen if he’s done on time. That way you are getting the child to work for the very thing he wants the most — your attention.

The same process can be used at night, with the same one-on-one attention at the end if the child is ready on time.

Now, what should you do when the child throws a tantrum? Walk away, even if the child responds by intensifying the tantrum or keeping at it for a longer period of time. Wait until it run its course before attempting any discipline. If the child has really lost it, keep in mind that it is a scary experience for him and you should verbalize that probable feeling when the tantrum is over. You may also decide in those instances to offer some soothing comments in addition to a possible negative consequence.

Remember that one of the most effective discipline techniques you have as a parent is the attention you give to your children. The challenging child has learned to get most of his attention by negative behaviors. You must reverse that by withdrawing your attention at those times, with less concern about useless lectures and admonitions, and making a point of reinforcing positive behavior by giving more of your attention at those moments. It can often help to use structure here as well by listing some key positive behaviors on a chart that earn extra playtime with a parent.

Time out is still one of the most effective discipline techniques but a key to making it work, once again, is recognizing that you cannot control your child’s behavior, only the consequences. If a child refuses to go to his room or stay in there for the required amount of time (just a few minutes for preschoolers), you kneel down and look him right in the eye and say, “You’re right. I can’t make you stay in your room. But if you don’t then the next time you ask me to do something with or for you, I will just say no and remind you that you owe me a timeout.” Then walk away. Your child will soon need something from you and you remind him not until he completes his time out. You will get tested on this a few times and once the child realizes you are like an elephant that never forgets (having an elephant mask or picture handy adds some levity to this process), he will become much more compliant in accepting his punishment.

The key issues in parenting a challenging child are not to lose confidence in yourself as a parent, be persistent in creating structure and managing your attention, and finding the positive aspects of your child and focusing as much attention on that as possible.

The good news is that those same characteristics can be used to help them change from feeling powerless and overwhelmed into children who feel capable of solving their problems. In other words, these children learn to be more resilient. When I ask parents in my workshops what qualities or strengths they most want for their children, I usually hear a list that includes happiness, health, kindness, sociability, and achievement. What I focus on, however, is resilience. This concept, expertly evolved in a series of books written by Drs. Robert Brooks and Sam Goldstein, refers to developing a sense of being able to solve the problems that life inevitably poses to all of us.

In the discussion that follows, I will describe some of the issues these children presented (details are changed to protect confidentiality) and the strategies used to empower these children to learn how to manage their fears.

Micah, an 11-year-old boy, who was described as very sensitive and caring, had developed a significant problem around separating from his parents. It had reached a point where it impacted their ability to go out without him as well as his ability to go on field trips or to stay over at a friend’s house. He had developed chronic complaints of stomachaches (nothing found by his physician). We refer to developing physical symptoms as somatization. It is very common in children (keeps school nurses very busy) but is also common in adults.

Typically one of the first stages in my work with these children is a psychoeducational piece. With Micah, I explained what happens in the body when we get anxious (nervous, worried). The brain sets off an alarm and the body, like a fire department, swings into action. This is about the “flight or fight” mechanism. The body produces adrenalin which in turn causes our heart to speed up, pumping more oxygen to give the body more energy. Our muscles tighten, ready to spring into action. Our pupils dilate, the better to spot problems. Now, this can be helpful if there is really a threat that we need to deal with. But what if there isn’t? I use one of the many ideas I’ve learned from a colleague, Dr. Susan Davidson, a behavioral psychologist, who specializes in the treatment of anxiety disorders. “Micah, does the smoke alarm ever go off in your house but there isn’t a fire?” He laughs. “Sure sometimes when mom’s cooking!” Please note the value of humor in helping children understand and deal with problems. (Actually it’s also very helpful with adults.) So we begin to use the concept of “false alarms.” Do we want those firemen racing to his house when there’s no fire to put out? Of course not.

Micah and I worked on the problem in a few ways. I taught him how to relax his body. Open your palms, hands pointed down (an inviting rather than rejecting position that is part of yoga), taking a deep breath, and then drop your belly! Kids usually laugh when I say this. But they catch on quick as I demonstrate it and can immediately feel their body relax. I explain how their body can’t be anxious and relaxed at same time. Micah started to feel he could control at least part of what was happening to him.

We also talked about how stress causes “aches” and he was able to list stomach, back, and head as common aches we all experience from stress but he had never thought of it in that way. Another helpful piece of information.

Then we began to make lists of past worries and checking off which had actually come to life. Sometimes there may be a couple. Often there are none. Either way, it is immediately clear that most of the worrying is for naught. Then we make a list of worries about what bad things might happen in the coming week. At our next appointment we review the list and rarely has any of the worries come true. I focus on the concept of the brain sending false alarms (not Micah having unnecessary worries – better to blame the brain) and that he can now begin to tell the brain when there really isn’t a fire. “Aw, it’s just mom burning dinner again!”

Given a way to understand what has been happening inside his body and a few strategies to better control what is going on, Micah quickly has a couple of positive experiences and quickly improves. I find that these bright children are able to take the ball and run to daylight almost immediately. They start to feel more confident, more resilient, and often are quickly telling me they don’t really need these appointments any more. Thank you very much, but I’d rather be playing with my friends!

Allison, an 8-year-old, brought another aspect of these issues into the office – temperament. She was described by her parents as “slow to warm up.” These children, and their close “cousins,” shy, have an exaggerated self-consciousness that makes them more prone to worry. Allison demonstrated a common aspect of worriers – “catastrophizing.” This refers to taking a small problem and turning it into a potential catastrophe. Often the child doesn’t see that she is doing this but Allison did. However, she said she couldn’t stop it and had no idea why she was doing it.