It is widely believed that the Beats led to the hippies of the 60s and contributed to changing societal views towards drugs, sex, the arts, and more. When people debate about legalizing marijuana or same-sex marriage today, they can trace such ideas back to the Beats. In their book Mania, authors Ronald K.L. Collins and David M. Skover examine the lives of those men referred to as the Beats and how these fascinating individuals left an indelible mark on our culture.

Collins and Skover explicitly state that in this work they “seek neither to demonize nor apologize for Ginsberg and his cohorts.” That is, the authors aim to present the Beats in an honest way, without necessarily glorifying some of the more contentious aspects of the group members’ lives. In certain ways, the book emulates the writing of the Beats themselves; the stories are raw, without any sugarcoating of the alcohol, drugs, or sex that permeated the scene of these counter-cultural icons.

By the end, the reader feels that they have journeyed across the country with Kerouac, Ginsberg, and the entire cast of “angelheaded hipsters.”

While the Beat Generation was undoubtedly an influential movement in our history, one might wonder why a book about this group is being featured on a mental health website. In fact, the field of psychiatry and mental health were prominent themes in the lives and writing of many members of the Beats.

Allen Ginsberg was once a patient at the Columbia Presbyterian Psychiatric Institute and much is told in Mania about the relationship he formed with writer Carl Solomon while they were both there receiving psychiatric care. Jack Kerouac as well was sent to a psychiatric ward while he served in the Navy. One of Kerouac’s more famous quotes is the line from On the Road that begins “The only people for me are the mad ones…”

In these stories of what authorities in the 40s and 50s deemed “madness,” we can catch a glimpse of the history of psychiatric treatment. While it is hard and perhaps inappropriate to speculate as to whether or not these famous men suffered from mental illnesses, it seems that their nonconformity to society’s norms certainly played a role in their hospitalization. For instance, Ginsberg’s homosexual behavior was cited as one of the reasons for his need of care, whereas nowadays this would not be the case. Much of what may have seemed shocking in their day would seem to be to be normal or commonplace to most people today.

The authors utilize Ginsberg’s famous poem “Howl” as a focal point of the book. Perhaps the most well-known work of the Beats (it shares its title with a 2010 film about Ginsberg starring James Franco), its opening lines echo its writer’s experience with emotional distress: I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness.

With graphic imagery and stark language, the poem typifies the Beat ethos of presenting life exactly as one sees it, with no holding back. As Collins and Skover put it, this poem represents when Ginsberg “turned his inner madness outward.” The book also goes into detail regarding the famous obscenity trial over the poem. Through this legal battle, the reader sees how the Beats influenced the very definition of art in modern times.

Whatever one thinks of the Beats and their writing, there is no denying that they had a major influence on our society: Artists from Bob Dylan to the Beatles have commented on the inspiration they drew from this group. Mania offers an intriguing look at the Beat Generation, even for readers who may be unfamiliar with these compelling icons. Meanwhile, for those who may be well versed in the history of the counter-cultural movement, the book provides a great deal of new insight. And although the book is not meant as a history of mental health care, it serves as a fascinating look at what was considered psychologically “abnormal” just half a century ago.

Mania
Top Five Books, March, 2013
Hardcover, 464 pages
$26.00 

Of course, feeling trapped is a state of mind. No one needs consent to leave a relationship. Millions of people remain in unhappy relationships that range from empty to abusive for many reasons; however, the feeling of suffocation or of having no choices stems from fear that’s often unconscious.

People give many explanations for staying in bad relationships, ranging from caring for young children to caring for a sick mate. One man was too afraid and guilt-ridden to leave his ill wife (11 years his senior). His ambivalence made him so distressed, he died before she did! Money binds couples, too, especially in a bad economy. Yet, more affluent couples may cling to a comfortable lifestyle, while their marriage dissolves into a business arrangement.

Homemakers fear being self-supporting or single moms, and breadwinners dread paying support and seeing their assets divided. Often spouses fear feeling shamed for leaving a “failed” marriage. Some even worry their spouse may harm him- or herself. Battered women may stay out of fear of retaliation. Most people tell themselves “The grass isn’t any greener,” believe they’re too old to find love again and imagine nightmarish online dating scenarios. Also, some cultures still stigmatize divorce.

Unconscious Fears

Despite the abundance of reasons, many of which are realistic, there are deeper, unconscious ones that keep people trapped – usually fears of separation and loneliness. In longer relationships, spouses often don’t develop individual activities or support networks. In the past, an extended family served that function.

Whereas women tend to have girlfriends in whom they confide and are usually closer with their parents, traditionally, men focus on work, but disregard their emotional needs and rely exclusively on their wife for support. Yet, both men and women often neglect developing individual interests. Some codependent women give up their friends, hobbies, and activities and adopt those of their male companions. The combined effect of this adds to fears of loneliness and isolation people envisage from being on their own.

For spouses married a number of years, their identity may be as a “husband” or “wife” – a “provider” or “homemaker.” The loneliness experienced upon divorce is tinged with feeling lost. It’s an identity crisis. This also may be significant for a noncustodial parent, for whom parenting is a major source of self-esteem.

Some people have never lived alone. They left home or their college roommate for a marriage or romantic partner. The relationship helped them leave home – physically. Yet, they’ve never completed the developmental milestone of “leaving home” psychologically, meaning becoming an autonomous adult. They are as tied to their mate as they once were to their parents.

Going through divorce or separation brings with it all of the unfinished work of becoming an independent “adult.” Fears about leaving their spouse and children may be reiterations of the fears and guilt that they would have had upon separating from their parents, which were avoided by quickly getting into a relationship or marriage.

Guilt about leaving a spouse may be due to the fact that their parents didn’t appropriately encourage emotional separation. Although the negative impact of divorce upon children is real, parents’ worries may also be projections of fears for themselves. This is compounded if they suffered from their parents’ divorce.

Lack of Autonomy

Autonomy implies being an emotionally secure, separate, and independent person. The lack of autonomy not only makes separation difficult, it naturally also makes people more dependent upon their partner. The consequence is that people feel trapped or “on the fence” and wracked with ambivalence. On one hand, they crave freedom and independence; on the other hand, they want the security of a relationship – even a bad one. Autonomy doesn’t mean you don’t need others. In fact, it allows you to experience healthy dependence on others without the fear of suffocation. Examples of psychological autonomy include:

1. You don’t feel lost and empty when you’re alone.
2. You don’t feel responsible for others’ feelings and actions.
3. You don’t take things personally.
4. You can make decisions on your own.
5. You have your own opinions and values and aren’t easily suggestible.
6. You can initiate and do things on your own.
7. You can say “no” and ask for space.
8. You have your own friends.

Often, it’s this lack of autonomy that makes people unhappy in relationships or unable to commit. Because they can’t leave, they fear getting close. They’re afraid of even more dependence – of losing themselves completely. They may people-please or sacrifice their needs, interests, and friends, and then build resentments toward their partner.

A Way Out of Your Unhappiness

The way out may not require leaving the relationship. Freedom is an inside job. Develop a support system and become more independent and assertive. Take responsibility for your happiness by developing your passions instead of focusing on the relationship. Find out more about becoming assertive in my e-book, How to Speak Your Mind — Become Assertive and Set Limits.

Types of Boundaries

There are several areas where boundaries apply:

• Material boundaries determine whether you give or lend things, such as your money, car, clothes, books, food, or toothbrush.
• Physical boundaries pertain to your personal space, privacy, and body. Do you give a handshake or a hug – to whom and when? How do you feel about loud music, nudity, and locked doors?
• Mental boundaries apply to your thoughts, values, and opinions. Are you easily suggestible? Do you know what you believe, and can you hold onto your opinions? Can you listen with an open mind to someone else’s opinion without becoming rigid? If you become highly emotional, argumentative, or defensive, you may have weak emotional boundaries.
• Emotional boundaries distinguish separating your emotions and responsibility for them from someone else’s. It’s like an imaginary line or force field that separates you and others. Healthy boundaries prevent you from giving advice, blaming or accepting blame. They protect you from feeling guilty for someone else’s negative feelings or problems and taking others’ comments personally. High reactivity suggests weak emotional boundaries. Healthy emotional boundaries require clear internal boundaries – knowing your feelings and your responsibilities to yourself and others.
• Sexual boundaries protect your comfort level with sexual touch and activity – what, where, when, and with whom.
• Spiritual boundaries relate to your beliefs and experiences in connection with God or a higher power.

Why It’s Hard

It’s hard for codependents to set boundaries because:

1. They put others’ needs and feelings first;
2. They don’t know themselves;
3. They don’t feel they have rights;
4. They believe setting boundaries jeopardizes the relationship; and
5. They never learned to have healthy boundaries.

Boundaries are learned. If yours weren’t valued as a child, you didn’t learn you had them. Any kind of abuse violates personal boundaries, including teasing. For example, my brother ignored my pleas for him to stop tickling me until I could barely breathe. This made me feel powerless and that I didn’t have a right to say “stop” when I was uncomfortable. In recovery, I gained the capacity to tell a masseuse to stop and use less pressure. In some cases, boundary violations affect a child’s ability to mature into an independent, responsible adult.

You Have Rights

You may not believe you have any rights if yours weren’t respected growing up. For example, you have a right to privacy, to say “no,” to be addressed with courtesy and respect, to change your mind or cancel commitments, to ask people you hire to work the way you want, to ask for help, to be left alone, to conserve your energy, and not to answer a question, the phone, or an email.

Think about all the situations where these rights apply. Write how you feel and how you currently handle them. How often do you say “yes” when you’d like to say “no?”

Write want you want to happen. List your personal bill of rights. What prevents you from asserting them? Write statements expressing your bottom line. Be kind. For example, “Please don’t criticize (or call) me (or borrow my . . .),” and “Thank you for thinking of me, but I regret I won’t be joining (or able to help) you . . .”

Internal Boundaries

Internal boundaries involve regulating your relationship with yourself. Think of them as self-discipline and healthy management of time, thoughts, emotions, behavior and impulses. If you’re procrastinating, doing things you neither have to nor want to do, or overdoing and not getting enough rest, recreation, or balanced meals, you may be neglecting internal physical boundaries. Learning to manage negative thoughts and feelings empowers you, as does the ability to follow through on goals and commitments to yourself.

Healthy emotional and mental internal boundaries help you not to assume responsibility for, or obsess about, other people’s feelings and problems – something codependents commonly do. Strong internal boundaries curb suggestibility. You think about yourself, rather than automatically agreeing with others’ criticism or advice. You’re then empowered to set external emotional boundaries if you choose. Similarly, since you’re accountable for your feelings and actions, you don’t blame others. When you’re blamed, if you don’t feel responsible, instead of defending yourself or apologizing, you can say, “I don’t take responsibility for that.”

Guilt and Resentment

Anger often is a signal that action is required. If you feel resentful or victimized and are blaming someone or something, it might mean that you haven’t been setting boundaries. If you feel anxious or guilty about setting boundaries, remember, your relationship suffers when you’re unhappy. Once you get practice setting boundaries, you feel empowered and suffer less anxiety, resentment, and guilt. Generally, you receive more respect from others and your relationships improve.

Setting Effective Boundaries

People often say they set a boundary, but it didn’t help. There’s an art to setting boundaries. If it’s done in anger or by nagging, you won’t be heard. Boundaries are not meant to punish, but are for your well-being and protection. They’re more effective when you’re assertive, calm, firm, and courteous. If that doesn’t work, you may need to communicate consequences to encourage compliance. It’s essential, however, that you never threaten a consequence you’re not fully prepared to carry out.

It takes time, support, and relearning to be able to set effective boundaries. Self-awareness and learning to be assertive are the first steps. Setting boundaries isn’t selfish. It’s self-love – you say “yes” to yourself each time you say “no.” It builds self-esteem. But it usually takes encouragement to make yourself a priority and to persist, especially when you receive pushback. Read more on setting boundaries in Codependency for Dummies and my e-book, How to Speak Your Mind and Set Limits.

Kakonge says that the book contains her “own babble through sixteen breakdowns over a five and a half year period.” The memoir is broken into small chapters, each offering a brief glimpse into the author’s life.

Through these diary-like musings, we witness the daily struggles of a young woman who experiences a variety of symptoms of mental illness. Kakonge discusses her numerous trips to psychiatric wards and the multitude of diagnoses bestowed upon her during these visits. In addition, she discusses the continuing struggle that she has had with whether or not to take psychotropic medication.

Memoirs may seem like they are a dime a dozen nowadays. What is worthwhile about this one is that the author does not allow her mental illness to prevent her from chasing her dream of becoming a journalist, even traveling from Canada to Africa in pursuit of a fulfilling career. All the while, the symptoms of mental illness continue to interfere. Yet Kakonge’s enduring will to succeed keeps the reader rooting for her success.

Kakonge also does an excellent job of drawing the reader into her reality during periods of psychosis. She does not sensationalize her situation; rather she describes her at times bizarre thoughts with a refreshing amount of frankness. For example, in the book’s opening she states:

“The security guard outside the door keeps looking at me strangely…Doesn’t he understand? This is a national emergency. I have to get out of this room because the women are coming to get me. Princess Diana, Oprah Winfrey, Princess Toro…are coming to get me to join their group.”

Kakonge does not attempt to psychoanalyze herself and figure out why she had such beliefs at that point in her life. Nor does she pass any type of judgment on herself. She simply lays her truth bare and allows the reader to come to his or her own conclusions.

In my own work as a counselor, I have facilitated writing groups for individuals with a variety of psychiatric diagnoses. Through this work I have seen the difficulties that can arise when one attempts to write about periods of mental distress. Oftentimes, writers are either hesitant to recall such memories, or unable to accurately remember the details of particularly stressful situations.

Knowing this makes Kakonge’s work even more impressive. I do not know whether she wrote this account strictly from memory or if she kept a journal during the time period she writes about. Either way, the detailed narrative of How to Talk to Crazy People offers an exceptional depiction of an individual’s struggle with mental illness.

The biggest fault I found in this work is its brevity: The book seems to just scratch the surface of Kakonge’s experience. It would be interesting to learn more about the author’s current thoughts as she recalls these tumultuous periods in her life, as well as to hear more about how she was able to overcome her mental health issues and find her voice as a writer.

Anybody who is looking to read an inspiring memoir about mental illness should check out How to Talk to Crazy People. This slim volume provides the reader with an honest portrayal of what it is like to live with psychiatric symptoms. Kakonge is refreshingly open. The reader comes away with not only a better understanding of mental illness, but also with a sense of encouragement from the author’s remarkable journey.

How to Talk to Crazy People
Life Rattle Press, 2012
Kindle edition, 88 pages
$20

It’s the most destructive idea about love in American culture. It may make for a good line in a movie. But the notion makes for very unstable relationships. It doesn’t work for either party.

When someone wants and needs their sweetheart to fill in the missing pieces in themselves, they are setting themselves up for emotional disaster. Being needy erodes one’s self-respect. Being seen as charmingly childish may work for a while, but at some point it will get old to find all your ideas and opinions being dismissed.

Wanting others to fill in our “blanks” is a delightful fantasy. Wouldn’t we all like someone else to do the hard work necessary for helping us grow up? But growing up by definition requires effort. Being a grownup is what is required for finding grownup love.

The need for superiority is equally corrosive to relationships. Those who look for a needy person in order to feel “needed” ultimately end up disappointed. Trading equality for control gives you all the responsibility in the relationship. A playmate is fun when life is all play. But when things get difficult — and life has a way always of making things difficult now and then — you’ll come to resent the person who has always looked to you to be the strong one. Such people can’t take a turn at carrying responsibilities and think it’s unfair if you ask them to do so.

Think of the workings of a fine road bike. Both wheels need to be balanced and aligned. When one wheel has a significant problem, or if one is overinflated, you’re in for a bumpy ride.

A relationship can work over the long term only if it is a partnership between two mature, complete adults who complement each other; who admire each other’s strengths and who respect themselves and each other. If you’ve been looking for the romance promised in chick flicks, where one person completes the other – stop. You may find a fling, but you won’t find a partner. It’s time to take a look at whether you are self-ish enough to be in a relationship for keeps.

Selfishness doesn’t have to mean self-centered, narcissistic, and getting yours at others’ expense. Instead, self-ishness can mean loving yourself enough to do the work to be a complete adult. When a person is self-ish in the positive sense, their self-esteem is high, they function well in the social world, they manage their responsibilities and they are sufficiently emotionally stable to be a loving and generous partner. Such people don’t need to be one-up or one-down to make a life with another. They are not threatened by another’s competence nor do they need someone to take care of them. They know that the basis of a healthy relationship is equality and respect.

A Time to Reevaluate

If you are unhappily single on Valentine’s Day or if you are in a relationship that isn’t working, it’s a good time to do some honest reflection. Like New Year’s, Valentine’s Day can be a time to take stock and to resolve to fix some things that could stand fixing. Neither looking for a missing piece nor looking for control by filling in someone else’s empty places will give you the steady, lasting love you want. Taking steps to be more self-ish will.

How to be self-ish enough to find a lasting romance:

• Remind yourself that you are lovable. If you don’t think you are worthy of love, no one else will. If you think you can only be loved by people who need you or by being needed, give it up. Focus on developing yourself. Start your day with a few quiet minutes to remind yourself of your best qualities. Write them down. Decide to put at least some of those qualities out there for the world to see every day.
• Respect yourself enough to expect others to treat you with respect. If someone is disrespectful, calmly remind them that you expect to be spoken to respectfully, even when you may be wrong, even if you are in disagreement. Of course, that means being equally respectful of other people when they are wrong or in disagreement.
• Work on any feelings of insecurity you may have. If you think the only people who will love you are those who are grateful to you; if you need to be in control in order to be secure; you have work to do. Instead of rescuing yet another person as an avenue to “love,” love yourself enough to focus on developing your sense of self-worth.
• Love yourself enough to take care of yourself and to present yourself well. That means get enough sleep, eat sensibly, and get some exercise. Being attractive doesn’t take $40 fingernails, a $200 haircut or $500 shoes. Attractiveness that lasts beyond a first impression takes being healthy and put together.
• Do your personal emotional work. If you have been told you are “too needy” or “too controlling,” take it seriously. Think about whether the comment was justified. Of course, sometimes people say such things in anger. But sometimes they are onto something — or part of something. If you don’t feel like you can be an equal partner with a person you see as your equal, you might want to consider some therapy to help you sort out why and what you can do about it.

Finding a soulmate is just that — finding a mate, a person who walks beside you. That person is not a person who needs you to fix them, nor is it someone who is invested in being the one to do the fixing. If you are looking for romantic love that lasts, be self-ish enough to expect and give love in equal measure.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

Given my relationship with a woman experiencing the disorder, Jane Thompsonʼs Reboot: A Novel of Bipolar Disorder resonated quite strongly with me. Thompsonʼs book offers a fictional but true-to-life account, with her writing clearly based on her own struggle with the illness.

What struck me most is how Thompson reveals, in detail, the importance of what took me years to learn: that, due to the very nature of bipolar disorder, the person who is bipolar does not recognize this and may often forget or highly distort what happens in their manic state. In their euphoria they may imagine and remember, quite incorrectly, that everything was oh-so-wonderful, which is often quite far from the case. Particularly for an adult with bipolar disorder, recognizing the illness is a key step in the possibility of regaining stability and mental health. Without this recognition, an adult with bipolar disorder may quit taking medication, not prepare for the next manic episode, or put themselves and others at risk.

In the beginning, we find this lack of recognition in Marie, the protagonist suffering from the disorder and whose story parallels the authorʼs (and my girlfriendʼs). Marie misses appointments, remembers meetings cancelled when in fact, they had not been, and loses friends who seem standoffish to her. Before her treatment, she only dimly understands why her actions are irrational, rude, or possibly hypersexual. 

What makes Thompsonʼs book so fascinating and hopeful is the contrast between Mariaʼs lack of understanding before she realizes that she is bipolar and her later recognition of what was more likely going on when she finds a medication that works for her.

“Reboot” details another important facet of bipolar disorder. While it is defined as a psychiatric mood disorder with disruptive mood swings, characterized by one or more episodes of abnormally high energy levels, accompanied by racing thoughts and euphoria, with or without depressive episodes, no one truly knows what causes it and what can stop it. Treatment and medication are thus experimental. In the book, Marie takes several different medications with no apparent effect. After reporting this to her physicians, she is told that the medications will eventually work, or that she doesnʼt realize that they are indeed working.

Thompsonʼs novel also correctly illustrates the dangerous side-effects of these medications. Marie is advised to take Haloperidol, which could lead to tardive dyskinesia, i.e., involuntary repetitive body movements, and is told incorrectly that she is not old enough to develop the symptoms. My own reading of the dangers of such medications had me worry when my girlfriend Elle, at about the same age, temporarily developed a habitual puckering and pursing of her lips after taking the many medications, including Haloperidol, that she was prescribed. For both Marie, in the novel, and Elle, in my own life, therapy is trial and error. One hopes to find a treatment or medication that works.

Without giving away the bookʼs lovely ending: Marie finally finds a drug that works for her. As her moods stabilize, so does her life. She gets a significant raise at her job of several years, makes friends, and begins to enjoy going out. She starts to feel appreciated for who she is, and is happy.

I wiped tears from my eyes and broke out laughing several times as I read “Reboot.” For those of us who are close to someone suffering from bipolar disorder, this book means a lot.

Reboot: A Novel of Bipolar Disorder
CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform, June, 2012
Paperback, 264 pages
$15 

This is a long reference book, and one not intended for the layperson. However, it turns out that it works quite well as a foundational text for those of us who are not research psychologists but readers simply wishing to learn about psychology. Each chapter follows a general pattern of explaining the foundational theories in each field, discussing ways these theories can be integrated, or providing new theories or frameworks for integration.

Take the book’s coverage of the Big Five Theory. The “Big Five” is a personality theory that provides a way to categorize all personality traits into five areas: extraversion, conscientiousness, openness to experience, agreeableness, and emotional stability. When researchers used it to analyze what makes leaders effective, however, the results were mixed. In the chapter on leadership, Daan van Knippenberg states that “the relationship between personality and leadership effectiveness is modest at best.” Instead, he proposes that social psychology models work better than the Big Five Theory because they analyze leaders “by taking a person-in-situation approach to leadership effectiveness.” Thus, although personality traits such as extraversion may affect one’s ability to lead, he says, we can gain a more complete perspective by analyzing leadership performance in the context of a given situation.

In a book that covers topics as disparate as motivation, prejudice, friendship, leadership, relationships, helping behavior, and antisocial behavior—each topic explored from the two perspectives of personality psychology and social psychology—a lay reader is likely to find several topics of interest. For example, in a chapter on multiculturalism, Veronica Benet-Martinez describes how the study of multiculturalism can be beneficial to both personality and social psychologists. I found her definition of multiculturalism interesting because it is so inclusive: “those who are mixed-race and mixed-ethnic, those who have lived in more than one country…those reared with at least one other culture in addition to the dominant mainstream culture, and those in intercultural relationships.” There is no commonly agreed-upon definition of the term, she tells us.

Much of what psychologists have learned in the last few years has been based on new measuring techniques, including functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) and electroencephalography (EEG). In a chapter called “Neuroscience Approaches in Social and Personality Psychology,” David M. Amodio and Eddie Harmon-Jones discuss how these relatively new techniques measure brain activity, and describe several theories that have been proposed based on these methods. One theory, that of the mirror neuron system, posits “a brain network devoted to understanding other people through their actions.” Amodio and Harmon-Jones state that the term mirror neurons refers “loosely to areas of the brain that are activated both when an individual observes the behavior of another person, and when one performs the same behavior”—i.e., when one mimics another’s actions.

Out of curiosity, I tried a search of PubMed for mirror neuron, and it brought up more than a thousand articles. I found it interesting to consider how much attention mirror neuron research has attracted, considering what Amodio and Harmon-Jones say about the theory. They analyze it as having “intuitive appeal” but state that studies question the validity of the idea, concluding that “more research will be needed” since “so many social interactions often require complementary responses…rather than mimicry.” Newer theories, they tell us, such as mirror-touch synesthesia (a phenomenon thought to be caused by mirror neurons), have been based on what may still be an unproven system.

In the final chapter of this 880-page book, you discover that the editors, Kay Deaux and Mark Snyder, never thought you’d make it. “Few if any of you who are reading this closing statement will have taken the full journey through the volume that we as editors have taken,” they write. “Much more likely you have selectively dipped into the volume, visiting topics with which you have considerable familiarity to see how a combined personality and social perspective is represented and perhaps also sampling some less familiar areas that pique your curiosity and invite you to become acquainted with new perspectives.”

As one who read the entire book, I will say that whether or not the authors met their intended goal of providing frameworks to help the two fields work together (and surely scientists will find utility in the proposed modes for integrating the two), their work has value as a summation of research from both areas.

The Oxford Handbook of Personality and Social Psychology
Oxford University Press, February, 2012
Hardcover, 880 pages
$195

Contributor Joris M. Koene, an animal ecologist based in the Netherlands, cites one definition of sexual conflict as “conflict between the evolutionary interests of the two sexes” or, more simply, “what is good for one sex can be bad for the other.” Indeed, much of the book is concerned with examining why negative relationships exist.

According to contributors Charles Crawford and Catherine Salmon, humans ordinarily are cooperative in mating interactions, but can engage in exploitative and detrimental interactions, including jealousy, physical threat, coercion, intimate partner violence,  infidelity, rape, infanticide, and murder. These two experts along with the other essayists raise questions including: Does evolution help explain why men rape women? Why would human females experience orgasm? What physical and chemical adaptations help men ensure fertilization? If a child doesn’t resemble the father, will that affect his willingness to pay child support? And, did anorexia evolve as a way for women to control the timing of reproduction, since a certain amount of body fat is required for menstruation to occur? In general: What sort of hidden mechanisms are controlling our behaviors?

In humans, there are no obvious outward signs when ovulation occurs. Yet studies have shown that men and women change their behavior during a woman’s menstrual cycle. For example, when women are ovulating, they prefer more “masculine” men and they have a greater interest in having affairs. During a woman’s ovulation, men tend to become more jealous and increase the use of “mate-guarding” — all due to a seemingly hidden state.

In contrast to one politician’s recent statement that women have a mechanism to get rid of pregnancies caused by rape, in reality, one essay tells us, the risk of becoming pregnant after rape is “approximately three times higher than after consensual sexual intercourse.” Why would this be? A theory floated by the authors is that men subconsciously are able to trigger ovulation through the content of their sperm.

Some theories in the book seem impossible to prove. For example, the authors of one essay posit that oral sex was probably less prevalent before the advent of “effective methods of personal hygiene.” Aside from this cultural prejudice, they give only one bit of scientific evidence, that “genital herpes, which is of relatively recent origin, appears to be a consequence of transferring the herpes virus that causes cold sores to the genitals through the practice of oral sex.” Genital herpes is new, therefore oral sex is new? This is a weak correlation.

Most of the contributors cite the parental investment theory set forth by Robert L. Trivers in 1972. The theory is described as the state where “females are bound by their physiology to make a significantly greater and longer minimum investment in offspring production and development.” Because of this asymmetry in obligatory parental investment, females are “generally the more valuable sex, and have, in response, evolved to be more selective in their choice of mating partners.” On the other hand, males of most species “have evolved to be less intersexually discriminating and to compete more intensely with each other for access to the reproductively more valuable resources offered by females.”

Parental investment is put forth as a key theory — but a lot of sexual conflict may occur before we’re even born. Koene explains that in Soay sheep, if twins in the womb are of different sexes, “some circulating hormones from the male fetus negatively affect development of the female fetus…[which] are born with a reduced weight…have lower first-year survival, and…a lower lifetime breeding success.” And as for ensuring parenthood, Koene says that dragonflies have “impressive copulatory organs that are specialized for removing sperm from the females’ spermathecae before transferring their own sperm.” The list of competitive mechanisms in both human and non-human species goes on.

As the final essay states, “We live our lives ignorant of the majority of the agents that manipulate and deceive us. … Their manipulative powers have been perfected over eons of evolutionary time.” And, whether we realize it or not, or wish to believe it, “our spouses, our families, our friends, and our colleagues are all hidden troves of manipulative intentions and schemes.” Reading about those manipulative schemes in “The Oxford Handbook” may make you realize that you, too, are the complex product of an inescapable past.

The Oxford Handbook of Sexual Conflict in Humans
Oxford University Press, USA, January, 2012
Hardcover, 384 pages
$135

It’s amazing how so many people see introverts or quiet people as distant, overly private, or even depressed. I cannot express how often I have been labeled “really private” or “too serious” just because I would rather spend Friday evenings with family watching something entertaining as opposed to hitting up the new restaurant down the street with people I barely know. My grandmother, an outgoing person, has always perplexed me. I could never understand her ability to mingle for long periods and still have enough energy to get up the next day and do it again.

Even more perplexing is the fact that extroverts seem to follow the leader. Most quiet people are loners and rather independent. Outgoing people are sometimes people-pleasers. They utilize their personality to manipulate the world. I have found two things that extroverts use to their advantage:

1. Social status. The famous Stanley Milgram experiment provides one example. Milgram was a social psychologist in the 1960s who examined the idea that people will follow whoever has social status or power. The study involved research participants who administered electrical volts to another human being at the request of a research scientist. Milgram found that people obey those with high social status out of a desire to appear cooperative or out of fear. Of course, not everyone will follow those with high social status, but Milgram found that the majority will. Outgoing people tend to turn on their personality to attract people they can manipulate. Does the name Bernie Madoff ring a bell?

2. Cooperation. Outgoing people are usually cooperative, or followers. They rarely go against the grain of a group milieu or group decision. The process by which a similar group of people (such as in the workplace or on a sports team) have an inability to evaluate alternative options for fear of reducing unanimity is called groupthink. Personalities and thinking become so diffuse that members go along to get along. I refer to this type of thinking as the “sheep syndrome” because sheep unconsciously follow each other.

We have been taught to view introverts negatively. Quiet people are treated as those to stay away from and to pressure to become extroverted. It is believed that they do not deserve recognition, even if they have performed at extraordinary levels. It is usually the person in the law firm with the loud, assertive voice that gets the most attention or the comedian-doctor at the office who gets invited to social events.

Will society ever appreciate the genius of the quiet person? Albert Einstein, Steve Wozniak, Eleanor Roosevelt, and Rosa Parks, among many others, were or are introverts. Introversion is a quality that should be appreciated, not demonized.

Here are six ways for the introvert to stay true to him- or herself:

1. Embrace solitude. My greatest moments of revelation and creativity have come about through solitude and introspection. You cannot learn to appreciate your identity if you never give yourself alone time to examine your feelings, thoughts, and beliefs.
2. Listen to music. This may seem like an adolescent coping skill, but I believe that music connects to our identity. Music, especially inspirational music, has an influence on how we perceive life, events, and even ourselves.
3. Stay close to those who know you best. One person in my life who knows just about everything there is to know about me is my mother. I have been blessed to have a mother who can look at me and know what it is that I am feeling. When I feel like a stranger to myself, a candid conversation with mom brings me back into balance.
4. Get rid of criticizers. Envious or competitive people are well known for being overly critical. Rid your life of them. They are not comfortable with themselves and will not allow you to be comfortable either.
5. Know if you have a friend or foe. You can’t gain an authentic identity otherwise. If a “friend” wants you to be something you aren’t or don’t want to be, say goodbye.
6. Read a book. This may seem useless, but there are good books that can help you understand how you perceive the world. One such book is “Quiet: The Power of Introverts” by Susan Cain. She creatively highlights the good qualities of those who are known as introverts.

References

Milgram Obedience Experiment

Introversion in politics

Groupthink

Quiet: The power of introverts

Society is highly specialized and interdependent, so that few of us would know how to survive without running water, electricity, and a supermarket. We’re also dependent upon our personal relationships. Human brains aren’t fully developed for 18 years, and psychological and financial independence from our parents takes even longer. Moreover, as adults we depend upon others to fill sexual, social, and emotional needs, such as friendship, communication, nurturing, appreciation, learning, love, and touch. The closer a relationship, the more we’re interconnected.

The Debate

Many claim that because we’re wired for dependency, “codependency” is normal and shouldn’t be considered a problem. They claim it’s not only natural, but healthy and beneficial to be dependent upon an intimate relationship. They blame the codependency movement for breaking up marriages and people’s loneliness. I agree that we all have dependency needs and that healthy relationships can meet those needs and greatly benefit us. However, codependency’s detractors don’t understand — probably from lack of personal experience — that codependents don’t reap those relationship benefits. Often they’re in unhealthy relationships, and they relate to others in unhealthy ways with patterns of obsession, self-sacrifice, dysfunctional communication, and control, which are both self-destructive and hurtful to others. They’re often abusive or allow themselves to be abused.

Codependent Couples

Codependent couples usually are out of balance. Frequently, there are struggles for power and control. There may be an imbalance of power or one partner may have taken on responsibility for the other. They’re often anxious and resentful and feel guilty and responsible for their partner’s feelings and moods. Then they try to control each another to feel okay and get their needs met. Rather than respect each other’s separateness and individuality, they can’t tolerate disagreement and blame one another for causing their problems without taking responsibility for themselves. Sometimes, what they dislike in their partner is the very thing they can’t accept in themselves. Despite their pain, they can feel trapped in the relationship because they fear that they cannot function on their own. Their mutual codependency and insecurity also makes intimacy threatening, since being honest and known risks rejection or dissolution of their fragile self.

Like the aspen trees, on the surface each may appear to be physically, and even mentally and emotionally, independent, yet at an unconscious level, they’re two insecure adults dependent upon each other to express a whole. For instance, a woman who has trouble expressing anger marries an angry man who expresses it for her. Or a man who is extremely closed and shy marries a woman who’s emotionally open and gregarious. They need each other to express their full humanity. In other cases, it’s more obvious that one partner needs the other for emotional stability, as in the case of alcoholic relationships. Financial dependence doesn’t necessarily create codependence, where the dependent partner has good self-esteem and emotional support outside the marriage. Even spouses who appear more capable and stronger may be equally dependent on the relationship. They need someone to care for in order to feel needed, worthwhile, and not alone, while their partner feels valued by receiving.

Interdependent Couples

What makes interconnections healthy is interdependency, not codependency. Paradoxically, interdependency requires two people capable of autonomy (the ability to function independently). When couples love each other, it’s normal to feel attached, to desire closeness, to be concerned for each another, and to depend upon each other. Their lives are intertwined, and they’re affected by and need each other. However, they share power equally and take responsibility for their own feelings, actions, and contributions to the relationship. Because they have self-esteem, they can manage their thoughts and feelings on their own and don’t have to control someone else to feel okay. They can allow for each other’s differences and honor each another’s separateness. Thus, they’re not afraid to be honest. They can listen to their partner’s feelings and needs without feeling guilty or becoming defensive. Since their self-esteem doesn’t depend upon their partner, they don’t fear intimacy, and independence doesn’t threaten the relationship. In fact, the relationship gives them each more freedom. There’s mutual respect and support for each other’s personal goals, but both are committed to the relationship.

Why Shame is so Painful

Whereas guilt is a right or wrong judgment about your behavior, shame is a feeling about yourself. Guilt motivates you to want to correct or repair the error. In contrast, shame is an intense global feeling of inadequacy, inferiority, or self-loathing. You want to hide or disappear. In front of others, you feel exposed and humiliated, as if they can see your flaws. The worst part of it is a profound sense of separation — from yourself and from others. It’s disintegrating, meaning that you lose touch with all the other parts of yourself, and you also feel disconnected from everyone else. Shame induces unconscious beliefs, such as:

• I’m a failure.
• I’m not important.
• I’m unlovable.
• I don’t deserve to be happy.
• I’m a bad person.
• I’m a phony.
• I’m defective.

Chronic Shame in Addiction and Codependency

As with all emotions, shame passes. But for addicts and codependents it hangs around, often beneath consciousness, and leads to other painful feelings and problematic behaviors. You’re ashamed of who you are. You don’t believe that you matter or are worthy of love, respect, success, or happiness. When shame becomes all-pervasive, it paralyzes spontaneity. A chronic sense of unworthiness and inferiority can result in depression, hopelessness, and despair, until you become numb, feeling disconnected from life and everyone else.

Shame can lead to addiction and is the core feeling that leads to many other codependents’ symptoms. Here are a few of the other symptoms that are derived from shame:

• Perfectionism
• Low self-esteem
• People-pleasing
• Guilt

For codependents, shame can lead to control, caretaking, and dysfunctional, nonassertive communication. Shame creates many fears and anxieties that make relationships difficult, especially intimate ones. Many people sabotage themselves in work and relationships because of these fears. You aren’t assertive when shame causes you to be afraid to speak your mind, take a position, or express who you are. You blame others because you already feel so bad about yourself that you can’t take responsibility for any mistake or misunderstanding. Meanwhile, you apologize like crazy to avoid just that! Codependents are afraid to get close because they don’t believe they’re worthy of love, or that once known, they’ll disappoint the other person. The unconscious thought might be that “I’ll leave before you leave me.” Fear of success and failure may limit job performance and career options.

Hidden Shame

Because shame is so painful, it’s common for people to hide their shame from themselves by feeling sad, superior, or angry at a perceived insult instead. Other times, it comes out as boasting, envy, or judgment of others. The more aggressive and contemptuous are these feelings, the stronger the shame. An obvious example is a bully, who brings others down to raise himself up, but this can happen all in your mind.

It needn’t be that extreme. You might talk down to those you teach or supervise, people of a different class or culture, or someone you judge. Another tell-tale symptom is frequent idealization of others, because you feel so low in comparison. The problem with these defenses is that if you aren’t aware of your shame, it doesn’t dissipate. Instead, it persists and mounts up.

Theories about Shame

There are three main theories about shame.

The first is functional, derived from Darwinian theory. Functionalists see shame as adaptive to relationships and culture. It helps you to be acceptable and fit in and behave morally in society.

The cognitive model views shame as a self-evaluation in reaction to others’ perception of you and to your failing to meet certain rules and standards. This experience becomes internalized and attributed globally, so that you feel flawed or like a failure. This theory requires self-awareness that begins around 18 to 24 months old.

The third is a psychoanalytic attachment theory based upon a baby’s attachment to its mother and significant caretakers. When there’s a disruption in that attachment, an infant may feel unwanted or unacceptable as early as two-and-a-half to three months. Research also has shown that a propensity for shame varies among children of different temperaments.

Healing Shame

Healing requires a safe environment where you can begin to be vulnerable, express yourself, and receive acceptance and empathy. Then you’re able to internalize a new experience and begin to revise your beliefs about yourself. It may require revisiting shame-inducing events or past messages and re-evaluating them from a new perspective. Usually it takes an empathic therapist or counselor to create that space so that you can incrementally tolerate self-loathing and the pain of shame enough to self-reflect upon it until it dissipates.

You can raise your self-esteem to heal your shame with my e-book, 10 Steps to Self-Esteem: How to Stop Self-Criticism, available at www.whatiscodependency.com/ and online booksellers.

Like many books aimed at specific readers, it reads like a guidebook of what to do and how to do it. This is both its strength and its weakness. It’s written in clear fashion, spelling out actions in a step-by-step way, by a person of considerable experience and authority. But it contains manual-like colorlessness and repetition.

Nevertheless, it has the absolute ring of authority. The author was a cult member himself, recruited by the Moonies while a college student and then rising through the organization’s leadership. In addition, he provides historical background on how mind or thought control took on new interest after World War II, when there was a need to explain why so many ordinary people took part in atrocities against others.

Following the Korean War, when hundreds of American prisoners were returned from Communist captivity, it was discovered that a minority had actively collaborated with their captors, reversing allegiance and taking part in anti-American propaganda. The term “brainwashing” became part of everyday conversation and thought control or social influence became a major area of social psychology. The names of Lifton, Milgram, Festinger, and Zimbardo became known to audiences beyond academia.

Hassan also gives a brief summary of efforts to free individuals from cult control, beginning with “deprogramming” in the 1970s. This was a harsh technique that essentially involved snatching the unwilling cult member and taking him or her to a secure place where he or she was guarded and subjected to unrelenting pressure to give up cult beliefs. Frequently, this tactic backfired and the resentful cult member became more committed to the cult than ever. (Not to mention that it was, and is, illegal to kidnap an adult.) By the 1990s, deprogramming had fallen out of favor and was replaced by the more benign and less coercive “exit counseling,” which involved ex-cult members as the counselors. Hassan believes that both approaches were lacking because they didn’t involve a more complete personality change.

“In the most traditional exit counseling and deprogramming cases,” he writes, “the cult identity is submerged, but left intact. The pre-cult identity assumes control, but the cult identity is not fully absorbed and integrated into the new post-cult self.” Hassan also posits that older approaches did not involve enough of the cult member’s family.

Hassan’s own strategy is called “The Strategic Interactive Approach” (SIA) and relies heavily on concepts such as self identity, as well on phone calls, letters, and face-to-face interactions. It includes evaluating the cult member’s situation; building the SIA team; empowering team members; understanding the cult’s beliefs and tactics; interacting with dual identities; unlocking phobias; preparing for an intervention; and the intervention itself.

The approach concentrates on gathering intelligence on the cult member and the cult. How enmeshed is the cult member? How does his pre-cult identity compare with his present one? Regarding the cult, what are its structure, doctrine, degree of destructiveness, and leader’s personality?

The SIA team itself is crucial, Hassan writes, because it’s a medium for collective action. It is to include family members; close friends; and anybody else of importance to the cult member, such as a girlfriend, boyfriend, or former teacher. An important part of the team leader’s role is to educate team members about cults and disabuse them of errant beliefs.

Hassan’s chapter on empowering family members, however, is a little Pollyanish. It talks about two goals: the first is to psychologically explore the family members on the team with special attention to any issues they may have, such as self esteem, realism in self-perception, addictions, anxiety, values, and beliefs. The second is to use techniques such as cognitive behavior therapy (as well as others like self-hypnosis and prayer) to effect positive change. Although Hassan does talk about consultants from his organization, Freedom of Mind, coming in to help the team, it sounds like the goals of empowerment would require a squad of experienced clinicians.

Other instructions are also hard to enact empirically, such as those for interacting with the member’s alleged dual identities. Still, Hassan does give some good suggestions for breaking the cult member’s phobias (fears such as going to prison or going crazy that have prevented him or her from leaving).

According to the author, the culmination of these efforts to wrest the cult member from the grip of the cult — the intervention — can last three days and is proceeded by a two-day planning meeting. The intervention, he writes, should only be attempted if the mini-interactions that proceeded it have failed, and requires professional help.

Overall, Freedom of Mind is essentially a manual written by a very experienced clinician who knows the terrain and has walked the walk. It’s an excellent resource for those trying to extract loved ones from harmful cults. It also gives hope for a successful outcome to families, and the importance of this shouldn’t be minimized. Its weakness is repetitiveness, flatness, and some theorizing that might turn off professional readers. Nonetheless, I recommend it highly for its intended audience.

Freedom of Mind: Helping Loved Ones Leave Controlling People, Cults, and Beliefs
Freedom of Mind Press, 2012
Paperback, 264 pages
$16.95

The Introvert’s Way by Psych Central’s own Sophia Dembling continues this trend.  Unlike Quiet, it not only provides scientific and cultural background but also practical tips and a thorough-note of complete understanding of the introvert’s nature.  An introvert myself, I have never read a book that I have so truly felt myself in.  This is a tribute to Ms. Dembling’s writing as well as to relief that introversion is slowly becoming recognized as something other than a personality flaw.

The Introvert’s Way begins with a summary of our current state—America is a “nation of extroverts (p. 2).”  The volume is turned up, everything is public, and we are told that the more outgoing and social you are, the better.  Open cubicles are the most popular work environment, and kids who like to read alone concern their teachers.  Ms. Dembling examines how these views came to be through a review of scientific literature and theories of introversion.  Sigmund Freud considered it pathological (something to do with sexual repression, of course), and Carl Jung posited that it was negative psychic energy flow.

Recent theories have been more positive: the Big Five theory of personalities places introversion on a continuum that also includes agreeableness, conscientiousness, etc., and research into sensory processing has provided some support for physical and/or genetic underpinnings.  The exception to this trend is that introversion was almost added to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) in 2010 as a diagnostic factor in Schizotypal Personality Disorder until an outcry removed it prior to publication.

Trying to define introversion is difficult.  It is not the same as being shy, misanthropic, or narcissistic.  The default, then, is to define it as the absence of extroverted behavior, although as Ms. Dembling explains, even if “…it is not yet fully defined [...], it is becoming increasingly clear that introversion is more than just the absence of extroversion (p.7).”  Research is ongoing, and one recent development is that brain scanning has found proof that “Highly Sensitive Persons” process information more deeply and sensitively than others.

Ms. Dembling notes that because of this ambiguity, it is extremely important to combat the misunderstandings surrounding introversion.  Firstly, “we don’t watch because we long to join the fun.  We watch because that is the fun (p.36).”  Secondly, there is a difference between loneliness, being alone, and solitude.  Scientific measures of loneliness have nothing to do with the number of friends you have or the amount of time you spend alone.  If you do not long to be with other people when you are by yourself, you are merely alone, not lonely.  And if you find this state tranquil, restful, and inviting, you have solitude (p. 58).  Finally, people think that introverts are always shy and avoid social situations, but there is a difference between the state of extroversion and the trait of extroversion (p.61).  An introvert can choose to exhibit many extroverted qualities and vice versa.

With this background fully established, The Introvert’s Way goes on to directly address the challenges that introverts face and includes advice and techniques for coping with them.  There is even an entire chapter on the common mistakes introverts make and how to avoid them.  General suggestions include watching body language to ensure you don’t exude a negative aura and managing your energy.  After accepting that you are an introvert and that it’s ok, you need to figure out how much energy you are able to give and the best ways to allot it.

Ms. Dembling also emphasizes the need for introverts to recognize the importance of small talk as well as socialization in general:

“…[small talk] isn’t supposed to be fascinating.  It’s just supposed to be a friendly connection.”

“Sometimes[…] I approach socializing like I do broccoli.  It’s good for me even when I’m not one hundred percent enthusiastic about it.” p. 77, 82

To that effect, she details techniques to use when dealing with challenging situations such as conferences, on the job, or trying to make friends.

After the advice come some cautions: Ms. Dembling admits that introverts can be self-righteous and judgmental, although to some extent this is the natural reaction to being constantly judged by others.  It is important to remember, though, that, “A blanket dismissal of extroverts is bigoted and, well, shallow (p. 138).”  She notes too that relying on alcohol to become extroverted is not a good plan, and that being internally focused and constantly thinking interferes with mindfulness, which is positively correlated with happiness.  Introverts need to learn to relax their brains and just be in the moment to avoid becoming too wrapped up in the world inside.

The Introvert’s Way continues by detailing the challenges and opportunities present with introverted children and in romantic relationships between differing personality types, stressing the importance of understanding, communication, and clear parameters from both parties.  A series of affirmations are suggested for introverts to use to remind themselves that just because your needs are different doesn’t make them bad.  The book ends with a final emphasis on finding middle ground and all personality types getting along: even though introverts may feel resentful about being dismissed in our current culture, “We reject the myth that extroversion is better than introversion, and so we must also reject any idea that introversion is better than extroversion (p. 145).”

With its combination of great writing and meaty content, The Introvert’s Way is the best psychology book I’ve read in quite a while (that I’m its target audience I’m sure helps, but even allowing for that).  Ms. Dembling’s short sentences are chock full of facts, and the fantastic chapter titles are icing on an already-entertaining cake (see “We Didn’t Know You Were an Introvert, We Thought You Were Just a Bitch” or “Hell is a Cocktail Party”).

Using humor to deflect what can be hurtful is welcome: “…introverts are not anti-people…I don’t eat tuna salad every day, but that doesn’t mean I’m anti-tuna salad (p. 49).” 

Overall, the information is wonderful (and needed) for introverts who have been told their entire lives that something is wrong with them.  It’s just great to know that we’re not alone and not weird (at least not for this reason alone!).  The chapter on the main insults introverts receive and defenses against them (“I F#&$Iing Hate It When They Say That”) is an especially good combination of practical advice on how to calmly explain and deflect inaccurate characterizations, and a rallying cry that introverts will no longer accept dismissal or disdain.

To her credit, Ms. Dembling doesn’t hide fact that while there are a lot of theories explaining introversion/extroversion, there aren’t a lot of actual research findings.  She also repeatedly emphasizes that one personality type is not better than the other; rather, that each should be equally understood and accepted.  There is a good balance of specific personal anecdotes and generalizations, and when making sweeping generalizations, Ms. Dembling notes that this is the case.

The Introvert’s Way is an important addition to the new body of personality type literature that has been growing over the past couple of years.  In addition to being a pleasure to read, it is a ‘must-read’ for anyone who is an introvert or is close to one, whether in family, a friendship, or a relationship.  The bridge between the introverts and extroverts is being built, and Ms. Dembling has contributed a keystone.

The Introvert’s Way: Living a Quiet Life in a Noisy World
By: Sophia Dembling
New York: Penguin Group (Perigee imprint), 2012

We asked several clinicians to describe their mottos. Perhaps their tenets will stir you to take the time to think about the words you’d like to live by.

Joyce Marter, LCPC, psychotherapist and owner of Urban Balance, LLC:

In life, we are all dealt a different hand of hardships and blessings. We each have a unique life experience that will help us learn, grow and develop emotionally, relationally and spiritually. We must each honor our personal life history to gain awareness of how our earlier experiences have shaped and molded us into who we are today.

We have the choice to let go of old belief systems and negative thinking patterns that constrain us and create our own ceilings. We have the power to attract positivity in our lives by silencing our inner critic and practicing gratitude.

In my practice and in my own life experiences, I have come to believe that some of the greatest life challenges bring about gifts such as increased consciousness, awareness, depth, perspective, empathy, compassion, resiliency, wisdom, strength, capability, tolerance, and serenity.

Our life outcome all depends on how we view the hand we are dealt. If we focus on the negative, on our egos, or on the hardships of the past we will not thrive and prosper. If we view our hardships as opportunities for growth and learning and empower ourselves to move forward in life in a way that is compassionate and loving to ourselves and others, we will succeed personally and professionally.

John Duffy, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist and author of the book The Available Parent: Radical Optimism for Raising Teens and Tweens:

For myself, I try to follow a couple of guides. First, I try to follow “The Four Agreements” as delineated by Don Miguel Ruiz in his book of the same name. The very basic agreements read:

• Be impeccable with your word.
• Don’t make assumptions.
• Don’t take anything personally.
• Always do your best.

I’ve distilled these down to two: Be impeccable with your word, and always do your best. If I achieve these every day, I believe I’ve led a good life.

I also try to keep the Serenity Prayer in mind every day: Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I calm myself with these thoughts whenever I get anxious.

Deborah Serani, Psy.D, a clinical psychologist and author of Living with Depression:

I love using proverbs and quotes to help guide me in life. I weave them into my clinical practice with people I work with too. One of my favorites for when life seems tough is the Japanese proverb: “Fall down seven times, get up eight.”

It helps me realize that no matter how many times I fall, I have the power to rise again. So this wonderful, wise proverb helps me summon resilience.

Ari Tuckman, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and author of Understand Your Brain, Get More Done: The ADHD Executive Functions Workbook:

[My motto is] Good deeds tend to be rewarded. I don’t believe in karma, but I do believe in playing the odds. Good deeds build good will, so the more people who have positive thoughts about you, the more likely it is that good opportunities will come your way. Being diligent about handling your responsibilities and being generous about helping others out builds fans who are happy to reward good performance and return the favor.

I’ve found that some “sure bet” opportunities didn’t work out as expected but also that interesting opportunities came out of the blue, so you can’t be too mercenary about it or expect a direct reward for every good deed. Rather, it’s a general mindset that doing enough of the right things will bring enough of what you want.

Beyond the obvious aspects of you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours, there is also the more subtle aspect that people like to associate with others who they see as capable, generous, and positive.

Emily Campbell, LCPC, CEAP, a psychotherapist at Urban Balance, LLC:

[My motto is] Love God, love people. It comes from Jesus’ words that the greatest commandments are to “love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength, and to love your neighbor as yourself.”

It means focusing first on loving God, and allowing His love to flow through us to others, treating them as we would wish to be treated. Our relationships with God and other people comprise our life; everything else is just the extras.

Alison Thayer, LCPC, CEAP, a psychotherapist at Urban Balance, LLC:

[My motto is] Everything will be OK in the end. If it’s not OK, it’s not the end. (I believe the author is considered unknown.)

I use this motto to highlight the significance of the journey and the lessons we experience in life. So often, we get caught up in not having what we want when we want it. This is particularly valuable to perfectionists, or “Type A” personalities who are driven and expect to get immediate results. These individuals can really struggle when the results are not exactly as they anticipated, and they may view the alternative result as a failure (also known as all-or-none thinking).

Instead, that alternative result may generate personal growth, goal clarification, or lead one to realize what they wanted isn’t what they want anymore. Or, they may get what they want, but at a later time, and they may value it more than ever.

The basis of Red Flags is that some people—more than we typically assume—are sociopaths, and if we are not careful to educate ourselves about their potential dangers, we are all capable of being victims of, as Andersen calls it, love fraud.

Andersen is quick to caution that the word “sociopath” is not meant in a formal sense, as a medical professional might use it. It is instead used “as a generic description for a social predator, someone who lives his or her life by exploiting others.” Although Andersen does provide a solid amount of psychological background on sociopaths, the fact that she uses the word in a way in which it is not supposed to be used is rather curious. By painting overly broad strokes, Andersen runs the risk of oversimplifying and writing in absolute terms when doing so is inappropriate.

As Andersen writes: “Sociopaths are male, female, old, young, well-groomed, disheveled. They come in all shapes and sizes.” In this way, it is frustrating that Andersen chose to cast the term that is the basis of her thesis as something of a catchall.

This is not to devalue the merits of Andersen’s book. While her subject is not widely known, it is indeed interesting and worthy of analysis. That said, when dealing with a subject that is so psychologically complex, it is counterintuitive to make the foundation so simplistic.

There are a lot of good things in Red Flags. Often, though, general themes and ideas are restated in different ways, and the same advice and wisdom is recycled. Again, what is said is certainly interesting and noteworthy, but the constant restating diminishes the impact of the ideas and negates some of their legitimacy. It’s not so much what is said that falters, but how it is said.

Along these lines, another criticism of Red Flags is its implicitly anti-male tone. Admittedly, Andersen does cite a statistic that men are three times more likely to be sociopaths than are women, and, as evidenced by the quotation above, she does concede that women, too, can be sociopaths. But of the numerous examples Andersen includes throughout the book, only a handful portrays a woman as the sociopath instead of a man.

Moreover, of the almost 250 pages, Andersen spends only two discussing female sociopaths. Despite the fact that men are statistically more likely to be sociopaths than are women, it would have been prudent to dedicate more text and examples to women being the predator. To not do so comes off as a something of a covert attack on men.

Despite these criticisms, it must be noted that Red Flags does provide some useful information. Through her website, Andersen has heard from and communicated with thousands of people who were, like she, victims of love fraud. And in the modern age in which we live, many of these relationships were started through online dating websites. Andersen writes:

Because of its global outreach and anonymity, the Internet is custom-tailored for social predators. It offers an endless supply of potential victims, so the hunt is simply a numbers game. Sociopaths register on multiple dating sites simultaneously. They randomly friend people on Facebook. They just keep baiting their hooks until someone bites.

Anonymity is a core characteristic of the Internet. When communicating via the web, you never really know with whom you are talking, and sociopaths use this to their advantage, pretending to be anybody they want.

Approximately one in five relationships is started through online dating. With the medium continuously gaining popularity and appeal, Andersen is right to caution against blind faith in it. While online dating is without question a useful—and for some, necessary—tool, it should be approached with a certain level of caution, especially when someone whom one is talking to fits Andersen’s bill of a sociopath.

Although Red Flags of Love Fraud is perhaps not as academic as it should be, it is nonetheless informative. It is certainly flawed, but it is also prescient: Considering how many people are victims of love fraud, not nearly enough are aware of its realities. Andersen’s book is a good first step.

Red Flags of Love Fraud — 10 Signs You’re Dating a Sociopath
By Donna Andersen
Anderly: June 11, 2012
Paperback, 246 pages
$19.95