The good news is that those same characteristics can be used to help them change from feeling powerless and overwhelmed into children who feel capable of solving their problems. In other words, these children learn to be more resilient. When I ask parents in my workshops what qualities or strengths they most want for their children, I usually hear a list that includes happiness, health, kindness, sociability, and achievement. What I focus on, however, is resilience. This concept, expertly evolved in a series of books written by Drs. Robert Brooks and Sam Goldstein, refers to developing a sense of being able to solve the problems that life inevitably poses to all of us.

In the discussion that follows, I will describe some of the issues these children presented (details are changed to protect confidentiality) and the strategies used to empower these children to learn how to manage their fears.

Micah, an 11-year-old boy, who was described as very sensitive and caring, had developed a significant problem around separating from his parents. It had reached a point where it impacted their ability to go out without him as well as his ability to go on field trips or to stay over at a friend’s house. He had developed chronic complaints of stomachaches (nothing found by his physician). We refer to developing physical symptoms as somatization. It is very common in children (keeps school nurses very busy) but is also common in adults.

Typically one of the first stages in my work with these children is a psychoeducational piece. With Micah, I explained what happens in the body when we get anxious (nervous, worried). The brain sets off an alarm and the body, like a fire department, swings into action. This is about the “flight or fight” mechanism. The body produces adrenalin which in turn causes our heart to speed up, pumping more oxygen to give the body more energy. Our muscles tighten, ready to spring into action. Our pupils dilate, the better to spot problems. Now, this can be helpful if there is really a threat that we need to deal with. But what if there isn’t? I use one of the many ideas I’ve learned from a colleague, Dr. Susan Davidson, a behavioral psychologist, who specializes in the treatment of anxiety disorders. “Micah, does the smoke alarm ever go off in your house but there isn’t a fire?” He laughs. “Sure sometimes when mom’s cooking!” Please note the value of humor in helping children understand and deal with problems. (Actually it’s also very helpful with adults.) So we begin to use the concept of “false alarms.” Do we want those firemen racing to his house when there’s no fire to put out? Of course not.

Micah and I worked on the problem in a few ways. I taught him how to relax his body. Open your palms, hands pointed down (an inviting rather than rejecting position that is part of yoga), taking a deep breath, and then drop your belly! Kids usually laugh when I say this. But they catch on quick as I demonstrate it and can immediately feel their body relax. I explain how their body can’t be anxious and relaxed at same time. Micah started to feel he could control at least part of what was happening to him.

We also talked about how stress causes “aches” and he was able to list stomach, back, and head as common aches we all experience from stress but he had never thought of it in that way. Another helpful piece of information.

Then we began to make lists of past worries and checking off which had actually come to life. Sometimes there may be a couple. Often there are none. Either way, it is immediately clear that most of the worrying is for naught. Then we make a list of worries about what bad things might happen in the coming week. At our next appointment we review the list and rarely has any of the worries come true. I focus on the concept of the brain sending false alarms (not Micah having unnecessary worries – better to blame the brain) and that he can now begin to tell the brain when there really isn’t a fire. “Aw, it’s just mom burning dinner again!”

Given a way to understand what has been happening inside his body and a few strategies to better control what is going on, Micah quickly has a couple of positive experiences and quickly improves. I find that these bright children are able to take the ball and run to daylight almost immediately. They start to feel more confident, more resilient, and often are quickly telling me they don’t really need these appointments any more. Thank you very much, but I’d rather be playing with my friends!

Allison, an 8-year-old, brought another aspect of these issues into the office – temperament. She was described by her parents as “slow to warm up.” These children, and their close “cousins,” shy, have an exaggerated self-consciousness that makes them more prone to worry. Allison demonstrated a common aspect of worriers – “catastrophizing.” This refers to taking a small problem and turning it into a potential catastrophe. Often the child doesn’t see that she is doing this but Allison did. However, she said she couldn’t stop it and had no idea why she was doing it.

Every couple has experience with friends.  In some cases, the couple’s mutual friends introduced them.  In other cases, the couple met another couple and became friends.  In all cases, there are friends that one partner likes and the other does not.  Two Plus Two examines these couple relationships in depth.  Drs. Greif and Deal note that it is important for the individual to have friends, but that it is also important for a couple to have friends.  Just as friends enrich our individual lives, friendships with other couples may enrich the lives of the two halves of the partnership.

Two Plus Two examines several real-life heterosexual couples ages 21 and up who have been committed for at least a year.  The study also included 58 people who had divorced.  The study found that people can be classified on a spectrum of how likely that person is to seek and make friends.  There are people who actively seek friendships and have many friends.  There are also people who have very few friends and are still happy.  Of course, there are also people everywhere in between.

In the context of a couple relationship (that is, two couples being friends), there will inevitably be the male half of one couple interacting with the female half of the other.  One would think that this often raises suspicions between the couples.  The opposite, however, is true.  Two Plus Two found that each member of a couple is completely trusting of the other member with the members of their couple friends.  There was very little, if any, sexual tension among the people involved.

I enjoyed reading Two Plus Two.  As I mentioned earlier, the authors made it easy for anyone to understand.  Also, even though the study focused on heterosexual couples, I can testify that the same rules and principles presented in the book apply to homosexual couples.  Overall, Two Plus Two is a refreshing look into what makes people tick.  Friendships help us to grow as individuals so that we may be good partners.  Couple relationships help our partnerships grow so they may become lifelong fulfillments of our deepest desires.

Without a doubt, I would recommend Two Plus Two to anyone looking to better understand themselves, their partner, or their relationships with other people.  It certainly helped me resolve some issues in my love life and aided me in concluding that my partner and I were simply incompatible on the most fundamental of levels—he wanted to actively seek out new friends, and I am perfectly happy having a few close friends.  Two Plus Two is absolutely a book that will teach you more about yourself and your partner than you probably cared to know.

Two Plus Two: Couples and Their Couple Friendships
By Geoffrey L. Greif and Kathleen Holtz Deal
Routledge: January 10, 2012
Paperback, 231 pages
$23.95

When Jason finally saw that he was actually hurting his son, he became motivated to improve their relationship and end this destructive cycle. He decided that when his son behaved this way toward him, he would make things better by ignoring how Dylan was acting, be nice and pretend everything was okay. However, even this seemed to backfire, making Dylan pull away more.

In therapy, Jason said one of Dylan’s complaints was that his dad was always too busy working and that he seemed to care more about “things” than about his son. When Dylan was excited and wanted his dad to watch him do an athletic trick in the house, Jason often was preoccupied with getting him to be cautious and warning him not to break anything. Jason failed to notice that Dylan wanted him to join him in his excitement and be proud of him.

In talking about the problem with his son, Jason remembered a grudge against his own dad: Jason’s father had not paid attention to him or talked with him, and failed to connect or show affection. As he talked about this, Jason spontaneously remembered that he too as a child gave his dad the silent treatment. He would keep it going as long as he could, hoping his dad would feel something and preparing what he would say when his dad would ask him what was wrong. But he never did.

As Jason thought about this, it suddenly occurred to him why ignoring Dylan made things escalate. He realized that maybe his son wasn’t just trying to punish him, though it felt that way, as it had when Jason’s dad had ignored him. Dylan needed Jason to feel something and show that he cared. Jason had needed the same from his dad. Dylan’s behavior was a desperate effort to communicate something that wasn’t getting through otherwise. By trying to make his dad feel rejected, Dylan wanted him to understand how Jason made him feel. Dylan hoped his dad would “get it” and respond by coming back to him.

Jason was uncomfortable being identified with his dad, and quickly pointed out that he spent more time with Dylan than his father did with him. Still, he saw that Dylan seemed to share some of the same feelings that Jason had toward his dad. Further, Jason could see that, similar to his own father, he too was unable to recognize and effectively respond to his son’s feelings, and easily retreated emotionally or became reactive.

Even when Jason recognized that he was reenacting what his dad did to him and hurting his son, he was at a loss for how to understand or respond in a helpful way when Dylan was upset. He never learned how to read and respond to his son’s feelings. Because of his own parents’ psychological limitations, the emotional capacities which form the basis of these skills were never developed during Jason’s childhood.

Empathic ability, or “mind reading,” is an aspect of brain development that occurs as parents are able to read their children’s reactions and respond emotionally in a way that helps kids regulate their emotional states. This process also involves the parent helping the child understand what is happening interpersonally and emotionally. The child digests and internalizes such experiences, building the capacity to make sense of themselves and relationships, and to manage emotions in interpersonal situations.

The Drawing Mind is without question ambitious, perhaps even to a fault. This is because, unlike a typical self-help book, Putnoi does not in any way tell the reader what to do. She provides some very thin guidelines, yes, but never does she launch into a lecture about how to better your life. For how could she? Rarely during the 192 pages is there more than a paragraph on consecutive pages. Rather than intersperse art throughout her text, Putnoi does the opposite, opting almost to let her art dictate her words.

The basis of The Drawing Mind lay in the idea of neuroplasticity. Putnoi addresses this: “Our brains are very plastic, meaning that as we use our brains in different kinds of ways, we can ‘build’ our brains, or ‘grow’ new neural pathways… Current research suggests that the brain is much more ‘plastic’ than earlier imagined. Even late into adulthood one can build new neural pathways by engaging in different kinds of brain-building activities.” The idea here, though certainly grand, is actually quite simple: Even if we do not believe so, we actually can change our brains for the better.

Putnoi continues: “Drawing on a regular basis may change your brain. By following the approach in this book, you will learn how to keep your senses active through drawing a series of sense experiences. You can keep your brain ‘plastic’ or build ‘brain plasticity’ by problem solving with your senses.”

Throughout The Drawing Mind, Putnoi gives exercises and even whole blank pages to allow the reader to work solely within the book. Some sample prompts for exercises include “Draw with Your Feet,” “Collect Textures” and “Drawing to Your Sense of Smell.” All these exercises are designed to force you to use your senses in modes you’d previously not considered. In this way, your brain is forced to adapt on the fly, opening up both new neural pathways and new perspectives. The implicit goal of The Drawing Mind is to get the reader to think differently, to begin to interact with him- or herself differently, and to perceive everything around him- or herself differently.

Furthermore, drawing, as Putnoi writes, does not discriminate: “Drawing is a small but powerful act. One that everyone can do. It’s a pencil, ballpoint pen, or charcoal on paper. It’s a mark in the sand or chalk on the sidewalk. Drawing is a visual language.” Perhaps you had never considered an ephemeral array of lines on the beach to be a drawing. Putnoi, however, wants you to. She wants you to reconsider your perceptions, perspectives and beliefs. In this way, the act of drawing begins to extend outward and reorient you with your world.

If this sounds like something out of an Eastern religion, you’re not far off base for thinking so. Putnoi references a meditation teacher who asks his group to “slow down and become more mindful and aware by slowly eating a raisin and meditating on the act of eating this small, dried-out grape.” ‘What does it feel like and taste like?’ he asks. The same principle is fundamental to Putnoi’s system: “Drawing a taste experience brings awareness to the next level of connection and consciousness. By slowing down, tasting and drawing the experience, you get another layer of connection” (Her emphasis). And in doing so, you begin to see things differently.

On the surface, The Drawing Mind may not seem like a book for everyone. It may seem as though it only appeals to the artsy folk: the population that already enjoys art and wants to use that interest to better their lives. But this is not the case. The fact is, as Putnoi declares, all of us can draw. We may not think so, but we can. “Drawing is not about making straight lines,” Putnoi writes. “The world of drawing is infinite. Drawings, like the people who create them, are individual.”

This is why Putnoi cannot assign self-help guidelines to her book; it wouldn’t make any sense. The bottom line is, we must help ourselves. We have all the tools, and we can be pointed in the right direction, but ultimately, the task is ours. Putnoi’s The Drawing Mind is a new direction, a unique direction, an amazingly fascinating direction, and a direction certainly worth exploring.

The Drawing Mind: Silence Your Inner Critic and Release Your Inner Creative Spirit
By Deborah Putnoi
Trumpeter: April 3, 2012
Paperback, 192 pages
$17.95

Acts of violence have always been a part of human nature and will continue unless we become some sci-fi world with better living through chemistry and genetic manipulation. Sure, there are general reasons the experts will point to, such as alienation; access to guns; too much exposure to violence; a society whose leaders lack values; and families who are disconnected from community.

But the reality is that the great majority of teenagers are growing up in this environment and not killing anyone. That doesn’t mean we should ignore steps to reduce the negative influences on their lives and ours. It does mean that no matter what we do, there will always be tragedies. We simply do not have that much control over another person’s life. That is a frightening reality for most parents to accept.

But this doesn’t mean that parents shouldn’t be doing things that make it more likely that their children would turn out okay. Inside each home there are parents asking if their son or daughter could be in trouble and the parents might not know it. Or, even scarier, there are parents who see their children struggling and feel powerless to help. What do we know that will help?

Well, the research points to the same issue nearly every time: children who have stronger relationships with their parents are less likely to end up in serious trouble. My emphasis on “serious” is because too often parents are upset about issues that are not life-threatening or life-determining. Clean rooms, grades and homework, being disorganized, being impulsive and screwing up, foul language, a few extra holes in an ear, some grungy friends, some broken curfews, or the protective or manipulative “lies” that children use to try to get away with things – all normal adolescent behaviors that do not alone signify a child “going down the tubes.”

Adolescence is a time for many teens to experience disconnection and disorientation, to become confused and uncertain about their values or about their capacity for success. It is a time to be scared about changing bodies and changing friends and experiencing failures when success may have usually come easily. It is a time to defy and distrust authority. It is a time, especially in with the phenomenon of the Internet, when teens’ worlds expand exponentially and it is quite a challenge for them to digest and manage all to which they are exposed.

Parents often respond to this by waging battles for control. While it is essential to have some unequivocal rules that involve health and safety and to seek help from others if there are signs of more serious trouble (e.g., depression, explosive outbursts, eating disorders, substance abuse, marked change in personality), it is particularly important to focus less on content and more on process.

What does this mean? Simply, that nothing is a substitute for maintaining the connection between you and your teenager. Time must be found for one-to-one interactions. Parents must be ready to give their attention when a teenager is suddenly ready to talk. Parents need to spend some time inside the world of their teenager and try to do so without being too judgmental. Do errands and chores together. Find an activity that can be shared. Take a teenage child out to dinner occasionally. A parent whose work involves travel can bring along a teenage child and turn it into a significantly valuable time together. Know each other!

Remember that you most likely did some things wrong along the way. It can be helpful to share that. Why should your child be open with you if there is not some reciprocity? That includes sharing some of your current anxieties or mistakes. We all mess up. We all have our vulnerabilities. We all seek safety and security. In that way, you and your teen have much in common. The key difference is that a teen’s life has few real choices and does not have a valued place in our society. We ask them to be responsible but there is little immediate reinforcement for that except to keep the adults from being angry and disappointed with them. Believe in your child, even when he or she is struggling, or simply not meeting your expectations.

For some parents, there is the harsh reality that, despite doing a good job, their child is having significant problems, and the parents are being shut out while nothing seems to be helping. This is definitely painful and scary. Even with professional help and support from school staff, some child will fall into a “black hole,” influenced by biology, peers, and social forces. This underscores another reality about the tragedies that have been taking place: All the perpetrators have been male.

Our society gives out powerful messages that are absorbed by our children. What girls hear and respond to leads them to turn against themselves, especially in the form of eating disorders (and a skyrocketing rate of smoking). What boys hear and respond to leads them to turn against others, in acts of verbal and physical abuse. In the face of all this, parents are worried, possibly more than ever, about the health and success of their children.

But I must return to my primary message of urging parents to have a more optimistic outlook and to not let their anxiety sabotage what is most important, the relationship each parent has with each child. A friend and colleague, Bob Brooks, often speaks about the resiliency of children and what contributes to it. The research clearly indicates that the presence of a “charismatic adult” is one of the primary predictors of turning out okay.

So often I read the stories of successful adults who grew up under terrible circumstances and there is always reference to a parent, relative, teacher, or coach who believed in them and provided guidance and an available ear when needed. Dr. Brooks often ends his presentations by challenging parents to be that charismatic adult in the lives of their children. It is no guarantee that everything will turn out all right. Nothing can do that. But it does make it much more likely that you will end up with an adult child who is not only doing well but is also your friend.

So what is it? My definition is someone who has lost the connection to his or her core self, so that his or her thinking and behavior revolves around someone or something external, including a person, a substance, or an activity, such as sex or gambling.

It’s as if codependents are turned inside out. Instead of self-esteem, they have other esteem, based upon what others think and feel. Instead of meeting their own needs, they meet the needs of others, and instead of responding to their own thoughts and feelings, they react to those of others. It’s a haywire system, because they have to control others to feel okay, but that just makes matters worse and leads to conflict and pain. It also makes emotional intimacy difficult.

Some people criticize the codependency movement and say that it’s created more loneliness. They argue that relationships are nurturing and that we’re naturally meant to be dependent. I couldn’t agree more. The point is that codependent relationships are not only painful, but can be unsupportive and destructive. Codependents have problems receiving the good stuff that relationships can potentially offer.

Codependency for Dummies goes into great detail about the difference between codependent and healthy, interdependent relationships, between healthy caregiving and codependent care-taking, and understanding the boundaries between responsibility for yourself and responsibility to others, something that eludes codependents.

Not all codependents are caretakers, but if you are one, you have a hard time listening to other people’s problems without trying to help. Sometimes you even feel responsible and guilty for their feelings. This creates high reactivity for couples who constantly are blaming each other for their own feelings and defending themselves when their partner shares his or her feelings.

What’s missing is a sense of separateness between them known as emotional boundaries. Boundaries simply mean that your thoughts and feelings belong to you. I’m not responsible for them; I didn’t make you feel them. For real intimacy to happen, you need to have a sense of separate identity and feel safe enough to express your feelings without being afraid of criticism or rejection.

This is where the codependent core issue of low self-esteem comes in. With a fragile self, codependents are afraid of rejection and abandonment, but on the flip side, they fear losing themselves when they get attached in a relationship. They tend to give up their needs to accommodate their partner, sometimes letting go of outside friends and activities they used to enjoy, and even when the relationship isn’t working, they are stuck like glue. So many codependents aren’t even in relationships, contrary to common belief, because they’re afraid of losing their independence, which you don’t really lose in a healthy interdependent relationship.

Many codependents have to dance a tightrope of pursuing partners, but never really catching them, or distancing themselves, but never really leaving. It’s a two-step that’s even done in marriages, but creates constant pain in the relationship. Fleeting moments of closeness are just enough to keep the dance going, unless the partners give up on intimacy entirely.

Communication is another area where dependents have a dilemma. They can’t say “No” without feeling guilty, and are resentful when they say “Yes” to things they would rather not do. This is because they avoid taking positions at all costs, due to their fear of rejection. Like clever politicians, they don’t want to say anything that might upset someone else.

The book goes into detail about how to improve your communication. You’ll learn how to be assertive, how to set boundaries, and how to handle verbal abuse. You can practice saying no on your own. Codependents are always explaining and justifying themselves. Remember, “No” is a complete sentence.

Codependents spend far too much of their precious lives worrying about things and people over which they have no control. Healing from codependency starts with getting to know yourself better, honoring yourself, and expressing yourself. Start doing things that make you happy, rather than deferring to others or waiting for someone else to make you happy. Building a relationship with yourself leaves you no time to worry about someone over whom you have no control, anyway. You might think this is selfish, but when you love yourself, you radiate love that’s healing to be around. It overflows onto everyone you interact with.

Such may be the case for you as well with Better Than Normal:  How What Makes You Different Can Make You Exceptional.  This offering from Dr. Dale Archer, a board-certified psychiatrist and distinguished fellow of the American Psychiatric Association, will change the way you look at “the box called normal.”  Dr. Archer states that he is “… driven to spread an empowering new message about mental disorder that places responsibility for identity and mental health back where it belongs – in your hands.”

The message Archer delivers in Better Than Normal is indeed new.  For each of eight fundamental behavioral traits he identifies, he then assigns another term that conjures up far more positivity than the terminology assigned by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). If you have been diagnosed as having ADHD, wouldn’t you rather be seen as “Adventurous”?  How about those with a diagnosis of social anxiety disorder or generalized anxiety disorder?  Wouldn’t the terms “Shy” or “Hyper-Alert” elicit more hope on a patient’s horizon?  A diagnosis of being bipolar or schizophrenic could paralyze someone’s hope for recovery, but what if you were, instead, referred to as being “High Energy” or as a “Magical” thinker? 

Also looked at through a new lens is OCD (Perfectionist); histrionic personality disorder (Dramatic); narcissistic personality disorder (Self-Focused).  Dr. Archer provides a continuum model for these traits from 0 to 10, with 0 representing that the trait is absent; 5, the trait is dominant; and 10, the trait is superdominant.  Because a great many of us have these traits in varying degrees, he suggests that we stop looking at them as negative and see, instead, their positive aspects.  Prior to reading the book, he suggests completing the eight questionnaires in the Appendix to determine your own personality’s dominant traits.

“Ascendant strengths” are identified for each trait and is where the positive spin on diagnosis and treatment really comes into play.  I can only imagine someone’s surprise at being diagnosed with one of these disorders and then their subsequent elation at being told that there are not only strengths inherent with the disorder, but that you can use them to your advantage.  Gone would be the person’s perceived stigma of having a mental disorder.  For his book Dr. Archer interviewed people whose acknowledgement and employment of the ascendant strengths of their disorders have helped them be successful in their lives.  All names in those stories have been changed, with the exception of one.  Marc, who is bipolar, requested that his real name be used as he “puts himself and his story in the public eye every day to live his message and destigmatize mental illness.”  Dr. Archer defines him as a “model of what it means to live and be successful with a diagnosis” and a reason he was invited to be included in the book.

In the chapter on social anxiety disorder, we learn that anxious people sometimes use alcohol (referred to as a “social lubricant”), marijuana, or tobacco to help with their social phobia.  In one woman’s story of her addiction to alcohol, she tried Alcoholics Anonymous meetings but disliked the group setting – remember, she is shy – found the meetings depressing, and she just was not “a joiner.”  Using her ascendant inner strength, she overcame her alcohol addiction by an intentional shift in her mindset to one in which alcohol was poisonous, and then supplemented that mindset with hypnosis tapes, prayer, and books.  It would be interesting to know what advocates of Alcoholics Anonymous think about this approach, especially since she was able to overcome her addiction to alcohol without attending meetings or having a sponsor.

Better Than Normal has its roots in the group theory of evolution, according to Archer: 

…because humans live in interdependent groups, evolution has favored the kind of personality specialization that we’re talking about.  When one person is particularly adventurous, for example, or especially well organized, or an exceptionally charismatic leader, everyone else in the group benefits.  But when we seek out diagnoses and medications so that we can stuff everyone back into the box called normal, we stifle the full range of human diversity.  As individuals, our potential for personal satisfaction decreases.  As a group – as a society – we suffer.

Rest assured that Dr. Archer is not saying that medication no longer has a role in treatment and should be thrown by the wayside.  However, when it comes to treating these disorders he is asking that we also look at them in a new and different way, with a view that may fall outside of what we think of as normal.  Whether you are the one diagnosed with a mental disorder or you are treating someone with such a diagnosis, the treatment approach in Better Than Normal could be the catalyst for beneficial change in the lives of many.

Better Than Normal:  How What Makes You Different Can Make You Exceptional
Crown Archetype: March 13, 2012
Hardcover, 256 pages
$25

Don’t feel bad if that includes you. Most American families are dysfunctional. You’re in the majority!

Researchers also found that codependent symptoms got worse if left untreated. The good news is that they’re reversible.

Following is a list of symptoms of codependents. You needn’t have them all to qualify as codependent.

• Low self-esteem.Feeling that you’re not good enough or comparing yourself to others are signs of low self-esteem. The tricky thing about self-esteem is that some people think highly of themselves, but it’s only a disguise — they actually feel unlovable or inadequate. Underneath, usually hidden from consciousness, are feelings of shame.Guilt and perfectionism often go along with low self-esteem. If everything is perfect, you don’t feel bad about yourself.
• People-pleasing. It’s fine to want to please someone you care about, but codependents usually don’t think they have a choice. Saying “No” causes them anxiety. Some codependents have a hard time saying “No” to anyone. They go out of their way and sacrifice their own needs to accommodate other people.
• Poor boundaries.Boundaries are sort of an imaginary line between you and others. It divides up what’s yours and somebody else’s, and that applies not only to your body, money, and belongings, but also to your feelings, thoughts and needs. That’s especially where codependents get into trouble. They have blurry or weak boundaries. They feel responsible for other people’s feelings and problems or blame their own on someone else.Some codependents have rigid boundaries. They are closed off and withdrawn, making it hard for other people to get close to them. Sometimes, people flip back and forth between having weak boundaries and having rigid ones.
• Reactivity. A consequence of poor boundaries is that you react to everyone’s thoughts and feelings. If someone says something you disagree with, you either believe it or become defensive. You absorb their words, because there’s no boundary. With a boundary, you’d realize it was just their opinion and not a reflection of you and not feel threatened by disagreements.
• Caretaking. Another effect of poor boundaries is that if someone else has a problem, you want to help them to the point that you give up yourself. It’s natural to feel empathy and sympathy for someone, but codependents start putting other people ahead of themselves. In fact, they need to help and might feel rejected if another person doesn’t want help. Moreover, they keep trying to help and fix the other person, even when that person clearly isn’t taking their advice.
• Control.Control helps codependents feel safe and secure. Everyone needs some control over events in their life. You wouldn’t want to live in constant uncertainty and chaos, but for codependents, control limits their ability to take risks and share their feelings. Sometimes they have an addiction that either helps them loosen up, like alcoholism, or helps them hold their feelings down, like workaholism, so that they don’t feel out of control.Codependents also need to control those close to them, because they need other people to behave in a certain way to feel okay. In fact, people-pleasing and care-taking can be used to control and manipulate people. Alternatively, codependents are bossy and tell you what you should or shouldn’t do. This is a violation of someone else’s boundary.
• Dysfunctional communication. Codependents have trouble when it comes to communicating their thoughts, feelings and needs. Of course, if you don’t know what you think, feel or need, this becomes a problem. Other times, you know, but you won’t own up to your truth. You’re afraid to be truthful, because you don’t want to upset someone else. Instead of saying, “I don’t like that,” you might pretend that it’s okay or tell someone what to do. Communication becomes dishonest and confusing when you try to manipulate the other person out of fear.
• Obsessions.Codependents have a tendency to spend their time thinking about other people or relationships. This is caused by their dependency and anxieties and fears. They can also become obsessed when they think they’ve made or might make a “mistake.”Sometimes you can lapse into fantasy about how you’d like things to be or about someone you love as a way to avoid the pain of the present. This is one way to stay in denial, discussed below, but it keeps you from living your life.
• Dependency. Codependents need other people to like them to feel okay about themselves. They’re afraid of being rejected or abandoned, even if they can function on their own. Others need always to be in a relationship, because they feel depressed or lonely when they’re by themselves for too long. This trait makes it hard for them to end a relationship, even when the relationship is painful or abusive. They end up feeling trapped.
• Denial. One of the problems people face in getting help for codependency is that they’re in denial about it, meaning that they don’t face their problem. Usually they think the problem is someone else or the situation. They either keep complaining or trying to fix the other person, or go from one relationship or job to another and never own up the fact that they have a problem.Codependents also deny their feelings and needs. Often, they don’t know what they’re feeling and are instead focused on what others are feeling. The same thing goes for their needs. They pay attention to other people’s needs and not their own. They might be in denial of their need for space and autonomy. Although some codependents seem needy, others act like they’re self-sufficient when it comes to needing help. They won’t reach out and have trouble receiving. They are in denial of their vulnerability and need for love and intimacy.
• Problems with intimacy. By this I’m not referring to sex, although sexual dysfunction often is a reflection of an intimacy problem. I’m talking about being open and close with someone in an intimate relationship. Because of the shame and weak boundaries, you might fear that you’ll be judged, rejected, or left. On the other hand, you may fear being smothered in a relationship and losing your autonomy. You might deny your need for closeness and feel that your partner wants too much of your time; your partner complains that you’re unavailable, but he or she is denying his or her need for separateness.
• Painful emotions. Codependency creates stress and leads to painful emotions. Shame and low self-esteem create anxiety and fear about being judged, rejected or abandoned; making mistakes; being a failure; feeling trapped by being close or being alone. The other symptoms lead to feelings of anger and resentment, depression, hopelessness, and despair. When the feelings are too much, you can feel numb.

There is help for recovery and change. The first step is getting guidance and support. These symptoms are deeply ingrained habits and difficult to identify and change on your own. Join a 12-Step program, such as Codependents Anonymous or seek counseling. Work on becoming more assertive and building your self-esteem.

Once hooked, however, you have to contend with narcissists’ demands, criticisms and self-centeredness. Perhaps you were embarrassed when your mate cut in front of the line or shuddered at the dismissive way he or she treated a waitress. Interpersonal relationships revolve around them. You’re expected to meet their needs when needed, and are dismissed when not.

What it’s Like to Love a Narcissist

In the beginning, you were delighted to be in the narcissist’s aura. Now you’re tense and drained from unpredictable tantrums, attacks, and unjustified indignation at imaginary slights. You begin to doubt yourself, worry what he or she will think, and become as preoccupied with the narcissist as he or she is with him or herself.

After a while, you start to lose self-confidence. Your self-esteem may have been intact when you met, but your partner finds you coming up short and doesn’t fail to point it out. Most narcissists are perfectionists. Nothing you or others do is right or appreciated. Talking about your disappointment or hurt gets turned into your fault or another opportunity to put you down. They can dish it, but not take it, being highly sensitive to any perceived judgment.

Narcissists have no boundaries. They see you as an extension of themselves, requiring you to be on call to meet their needs regardless of your own. You might get caught up in trying to please them. This is like trying to fill a bottomless pit. Their needs, whether for admiration, service, love, or purchases, are endless. You might go out of your way to fill their request only to have your efforts devalued because you didn’t read their mind. They expect you to know without having to ask. You end up in a double-bind – damned if you displease them and damned when you do.

Narcissists don’t like to hear “No.” Boundary-setting threatens them. They’ll manipulate to get their way and make sure you feel guilty if you’re bold enough to risk turning them down. You become afraid that if you don’t please them, you risk an onslaught of blame and punishment, withheld love, and a ruptured relationship. This is all too possible, because the narcissist’s relationship is with him- or herself. You just have to fit in. Nevertheless, you stay in the relationship, because periodically the charm, excitement, and loving gestures that first enchanted you return.

Do Narcissists Love?

In public, narcissists switch on the charm that first drew you in. People gravitate toward them and are enlivened by their energy. You’re proud to bask in their glow.

But at home, they’re totally different. They may privately denigrate the person they were just entertaining. You begin to wonder if they have an outward “as if” personality. Maybe you’re reassured of their love when they bestow complimentary and caring words and gestures, are madly possessive, or buy you expensive gifts, then doubt their sincerity and question whether they’re being manipulative or saying what’s appropriate.

Sometimes, you might think they love only themselves. That’s a common misconception. Actually, narcissists dislike themselves immensely. Their inflated self-flattery, perfectionism, and arrogance are merely covers for the self-loathing they don’t admit – usually even to themselves. Instead, it’s projected outward in their disdain for and criticism of others. This is why they don’t want to look at themselves. They’re too afraid, because they believe that the truth would be devastating. Narcissists don’t have much of a Self at all. Emotionally, they’re dead inside. (See Self-Love.)

Early Beginnings

It’s hard to be empathic with narcissists, but they didn’t choose to be that way. Their natural development was arrested as a toddler due to faulty early parenting, usually by a mother who didn’t provide sufficient nurturing and opportunity for idealization. They’re left with an unrealistic view of themselves, and at times make you experience what it was like having had to feed the needs of a cold, invasive, or unavailable narcissistic parent. Anne Rice’s vampire Lestat had such an emotionally empty mother, who devotedly bonded with him to survive.

The deprivation of real nurturing and lack of boundaries make narcissists dependent on others to feed their insatiable need for validation. Like the mythological Narcissus, they don’t know themselves, but only can love themselves as a reflection in the eyes of others. Poor Narcissus. The gods sentenced him to a life without human love. He fell in love with his reflection by a pool, and died by the water, hungering for a response from his reflection.

Diagnosis

All personality traits, including narcissism, exist on a continuum from mild to severe. Narcissism ranges from self-centeredness and some narcissistic traits to Narcissistic Personality Disorder (“NPD”). NPD wasn’t categorized as a disorder by the American Psychiatric Association until 1987, because it was felt that too many people shared some of the traits and it was difficult to diagnose. The summarized diagnosis is controversial and undergoing further change.

Someone with NPD is grandiose (sometimes only in fantasy), lacks empathy, and needs admiration from others, as indicated by five of these characteristics:

1. A grandiose sense of self-importance; exaggerates achievements and talents
2. Dreams of unlimited power, success, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
3. Lacks empathy for the feelings and needs of others
4. Requires excessive admiration
5. Believes he or she is special and unique, and can only be understood by, or should associate with other special or of high-status people (or institutions)
6. Unreasonably expects special, favorable treatment or compliance with his or her wishes
7. Exploits and takes advantage of others to achieve personal ends
8. Envies others or believes they’re envious of him or her
9. Has “an attitude” of arrogance or acts that way

Of all the narcissists, beware of malignant narcissists, who are the most pernicious, hostile, and destructive. They take traits 6 and 7 to an extreme, and are vindictive and malicious. Avoid them before they destroy you.

Codependency

People with codependence lack a core Self, and define themselves based on others. This is true for all narcissists, whose Self is so weak and insecure they need constant validation. Stereotypically, they’re not interested in taking care of others – but some narcissists are caretakers. Some narcissistic men do this with money, because it boosts their self-esteem.

When two narcissists get together, they’re miserable needing each other, yet fighting over whose needs come first and pushing away. On the other hand, it can be a perfect fit, albeit painful, for ordinary codependents, because their low self-esteem is boosted by the narcissist’s attributes and aura of success. It also allows them to tolerate the narcissist’s emotional abuse. They feel needless and guilty asserting their needs and caring for a narcissist makes them feel valued. Because they feel undeserving of receiving love, they don’t expect to be loved for who they are – only for what they give or do.

Treatment

Narcissists don’t usually seek help unless a major loss shatters their illusions. But both narcissism and codependency can be healed with courage, time, and a commitment to yourself. Recovery entails improving boundaries and self-acceptance based upon real self-knowledge. Psychotherapy and joining a 12-Step program are beneficial ways to start.

We grow up with stories and images that lead us to believe once we find our prince or princess, all will be well. While many of us have life experiences that lead us to believe otherwise, there are those who still hold on to some relationship myths. “Happily ever after” is possible if we understand it means there will be some bumps along the way.

Myth 1: Intimacy is not Required

I was talking with some friends the other day and was astonished when one of my married friends stated that she and her husband were no longer intimate and had not been for years. This started an interesting discussion and sparked the question “is intimacy required for a happy relationship?”

Research shows that intimacy is important. Although it may decrease in frequency over time, couples who are intimate usually are happier. It is important to note that intimacy does not necessarily mean intercourse. Intimacy can include touching, kissing, holding hands, or any other displays of affection that leave a couple feeling close to each other.

Myth 2 – There is no “Cure-All” to Relationship Issues

Many self-help books, articles, seminars and retreats offer ways to fix your relationship. While they all offer good advice, all relationships exist between individuals. You should therefore receive individualized advice as to how to make your relationship work. Couples have to be willing to continue to work and find what works for them.

Myth 3: “It Will Get Better after My Partner Changes”

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard variations of this one. I’ve heard “it’ll get better after we’re married” and “things will change once we are exclusive” and perhaps my favorite, “when (he or she) realizes how much I love (him or her), (he or she) will be better.”

The harsh reality is that if you don’t like things about your partner now, they are not very likely to change. Sure, if they put toilet paper on the roll in the opposite direction than you prefer, you may be able to negotiate. However, if there is a major character flaw or negative behavior that has been present for a while, it’s not likely to change.

Myth 4: We Have to Like All the Same Things

This myth makes me laugh. Imagine you had someone who liked everything you liked. Your partner wants to watch everything you watch, go everywhere you like, and orders the same food you order every time you go out to eat. This may seem cute at first, but may also get a little annoying over time. While similar interests are good, separate interests allow the couple to remain a couple, but have individuality at the same time.

It is also unwise to fake an interest for your partner. If your partner loves the opera and you think it’s awful, it’s OK. Faking interest often leads to resentment and anger.

Myth 5: “If We’re Really in Love, We Will Never Argue”

When working with couples, I tell them it’s natural to disagree. Sometimes disagreements may even lead to arguments. It’s important to remember that it’s not always if you argue, but how you argue. If disagreements are discussed in a respectful manner and conducted with good communication, they can be a platform to learn more about your partner. During an argument you may discover a new perspective regarding your partner’s feelings and may find better ways to communicate.

Whether in our personal or work lives, we likely have encountered difficult people. While some may seem to have mastered the skill of remaining calm in the midst of chaos, others seem to struggle in this area.

When dealing with difficult individuals, it is important to maintain composure, assess the situation, and look for the most appropriate way to deal with it, then find the most reasonable resolution. This article explores several tips on how to do so.

Remember the Serenity Prayer

I find that the Serenity Prayer has the power to get people through all types of situations. Dealing with difficult people seems to be no exception. Applied to this situation, the Serenity Prayer would look something like this.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (them), the courage to change the things that I can (me), and the wisdom to know the difference.

One of the keys to dealing with difficult people is learning to accept them where they are. If we can have the insight to look at our part in the situation and the courage to make the necessary changes, we may find that it often is easier to deal with others.

Take a Look at the Man (or Woman) in the Mirror

If you find yourself dealing with difficult people on a regular basis and it’s not associated with your occupation, maybe it’s time to take a look at yourself. A mentor once said to me, “if you want to know they type of person you are, look at the type of people you attract.” If this statement makes you cringe, it may be the hard truth. I’m a firm believer that if you surround yourself with negative people, you are bound to feel negative most of the time. The same goes for drama. If drama always “finds” you, it’s possible that you may have to examine your role in the drama.

If you find that dealing with difficult people is not mostly personal but work-related, take the best approach and find out how you can make the experience the best for both you and your customer or client.

Know When to Quit

Sometimes you may need to take a step back and evaluate the situation. Choose your battles wisely. There will be times where you may want to pursue a conversation with the individual to try to reach a compromise. However, there also may be times where you resign to the fact that their perspective may not change.

Wait to Respond

I believe it is human nature to want to immediately respond when we feel challenged or attacked. When dealing with a difficult individual, our first instinct often is to immediately try to state our case or prove our point. A slight delay gives us the time to think before we speak. It may also afford the difficult individual with the opportunity to reflect on what they are feeling.

This technique can be applied to personal and work situations. In face-to-face communication, it may be beneficial to verbalize that a break is needed. However, in the world of modern technology, communication often takes place via emails, text messages, and social media. In these cases, think before you send and if possible, have someone else review what you have typed before sending.

Consider the Other’s Perspective

I find this particular step helpful. I often try to pause to consider how or what the other person may be feeling and what their take on the situation may be. I have discovered that a little empathy goes a long way.

This particular step shifts the focus from me to the individual I am dealing with. For example, I can recall encountering a client who showed up for her appointment two hours late and could not be seen. She was very frustrated as she had arranged for child care and taken public transportation to get to the appointment on time. After listening to what it took for her to get to the appointment, I was able to compliment her on her initiative and willingness to go through great lengths to make it to her appointment. With the one positive comment, she immediately began de-escalating, took a new appointment and returned.

This is not an error-proof tip. This situation worked out well, but all may not end with the same result. However, it is my belief that when we can show some understanding and look at things from a perspective other than our own, it ends up being beneficial for both parties.

Bring on the Honey

This one is one of my favorites because it reminds me of my Southern roots and the wisdom of my grandmother. My grandmother used to tell me “you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.” I’m sure it’s a pretty common quote, but I frequently hear my grandmother’s voice reminding me of this in difficult situations. I believe the key is finding the right balance. Pouring on too much honey can actually have an adverse effect. However, with just the right amount, this is the perfect de-escalating technique. Keeping this in mind not only keeps you calm, but often is calming to the other individual. When you are pleasant, it becomes very difficult for the other individual to remain escalated and frustrated. This tip can be accomplished not only with kind words, but also with a nice tone. Remember, it’s not always what you say, but how you say it.

Dale Carnegie, American lecturer and author, said that when dealing with people, “you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but with creatures of emotions, creatures bristling with prejudice, and motivated by pride and vanity.” I believe we are by nature both logical and emotional, but emotions often override our logic. When dealing with difficult individuals it is important to be able to empathize and understand, but also to be logical. When we are able to think before reacting the results are often much more positive.

Carnegie also said “any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain but it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.” By demonstrating self-control we are better equipped for dealing with almost any situation and any individual.

The most? This wasn’t a competition.

The best? All the eggs were the same ubiquitous plastic eggs you can get at any discount store.

The biggest? Nope. The eggs were all the same.

And what difference does any of that make anyway? Most-best-biggest wasn’t the point. The point was for little kids in a small town to have fun on a spring morning. With 18,000 eggs out there, there were plenty for all. A few too-eager, too-competitive parents tramping around in a kid event was an example of parents gone wild.

Oh, these parents meant well. They meant to help. They meant for their kids not to have to suffer disappointment. They wanted to protect their children from any anxiety about getting their share. But such good intentions played out in this way have unintended consequences. As they watch their parents intrude, the kids learn things that their parents may regret.

Kids really do learn from what they see and feel as much as from what we say. In psychology, we call this meta-communication — the message that underlies the verbal message and may even contradict it. It’s like sarcasm. “That’s a really pretty dress,” said with sincere warmth, is a compliment. Said with a sarcastic sneer, the same words mean the opposite — something like, “That dress isn’t pretty at all and you’re a fool for wearing it.”

Telling kids that it’s important to share, that they should watch out for those smaller than they are, that it’s not who wins but how they play the game all sounds great.

But when parents couple those messages with behaviors that contradict the words, the kids read the actions. The kids who watched the adults snatch up eggs at the Easter Hunt were taking note, especially if the adults were the kids’ own parents.

They got a clear message that getting the most is more important than all the other values adults might talk about. They learned that the rules aren’t really the rules if you’re big. They learned that their parents had little faith in their ability to even pick up a few eggs.

My guess is that the parents who were scrambling to get the plastic eggs are the same parents who will jeer the umpire at a Little League game, do their kids’ homework, and write their teens’ college admission essays. Their kids may end up with the most “toys” in the guise of plastic eggs or A’s on homework or admission to an elite school, but they also learn that winning by cheating is okay, that they don’t have what it takes to accomplish things on their own, that they can count on their parents to do the work.

Lessons from an Easter Egg Hunt for Parents

There are better lessons. Consider these:

• Children who collect their own eggs (or A’s or entrance into college) learn that they are capable human beings. With each success, they become less dependent on their parents and more able to stand on their own two feet. They learn to take initiative, to be responsible, and to work independently. Perhaps most important, they learn to take pride in what they do.
• When children master challenges over time, they develop confidence in their own competence. With each success, the competence grows, which then leads to even more self-confidence. This competence to confidence to competence cycle will help them develop the positive self-esteem that is necessary for taking on new challenges throughout life.
• Children whose parents teach them the importance of doing things honestly, whether by collecting their own eggs or struggling with math homework, are children who will continue to live their lives with integrity.
• Children who respect the rights of others, who make way for the other guy, who maybe even give some of their eggs to a kid who didn’t get many, are kids who will become good citizens in the world.
• Children whose parents help them strategize before taking part in an event or doing an assignment or writing an essay learn to think ahead, to consider alternatives, and to plan. These are all important life skills.
• Children who are helped to understand what went well and what didn’t after an event or a homework assignment or a college interview master the art of learning from mistakes. When parents make such conversations a learning opportunity instead of a scold, their children learn that mistakes can be a source of information, not shame. They learn that there is value in the process as well as in the end result.

After this year’s debacle, there were adults who were ready to give up this annual tradition. To their credit, the recreational services staff refused. They aren’t ready to let a few rotten apples, er, eggs, ruin the event for all. After sitting with some disappointment and anger for awhile, they regrouped and vowed to make next year’s event even better.

Sadly, they can’t count on the parents who were so inappropriate this year to either reform or to stay away. Instead, they will have to recruit more volunteers to cordon off the field and be stricter about the rules. Hopefully, it won’t take riot police to keep order. We certainly don’t want little kids to learn that some parents only obey rules and let kids have their own fun when someone with even more authority is watching.

That would be a sad meta-communication indeed.

This very short book,Tragic Beauty by Arlene Diane Landau, analyzes this archetypical personality in great detail. She illustrates how a life built on sex, wealth, fame, and beauty results in disillusionment, disastrous marriages, drug abuse, prostitution, and even early death.

Landau writes from a personal and professional point of view, having begun her career as a Hollywood dancer, model, actor, and movie extra. Everyone from Playboy to Elvis wanted to be with her. What seemed like a fantasy life brought Landau total misery.

“At the time I did not know the words for what I was feeling and experiencing,” she writes. “I was suffering from a profound sense of emptiness over a lack of meaning in my life.” Then she discovered Jungian analysis and the power of interpreting dreams, which opened up a new and more positive pathway in her life. She headed back to college and became a Jungian analyst.

Landau devotes about a third of her book to defining the Aphrodite type, giving examples from literature (Madame Bovary), film (Gloria in Butterfield 8), and celebrities (Princess Diana, Marilyn Chambers, and all the usual suspects). From there, she explores Greek mythology, giving long and complicated genealogical histories of gods and goddesses–not just Aphrodite, but seemingly everyone on Mount Olympus. Frankly, I wanted to skim this section because it’s rather academic and tedious, full of names and complicated liaisons that boggle the mind and don’t seem related to the book’s mission: creating balance for Aphrodite types.

Past this, though, the book gains momentum, focusing on Jungian philosophy related to archetypes, and here I think Landau shines as she digs into her main point. “Jung’s theory of archetypes, which he formulated in the early part of the twentieth century, provides a means of uniting the multitudes of images produced in myth, religion, all forms of art, dreams, fantasy–in short, all forms of human creativity–into broad categories that facilitate understanding of the entire image-making process,” she writes.

In fact, Jung considered archetypes to be embedded in our unconsciousness, “a spiritual goal toward which the whole nature of man strives; it is the sea to which all rivers wind their way, the prize which the hero wrest from the fight with the dragon,” Jung wrote. Slaying monsters and great beasts is as old as time, part of human’s great psychology and storytelling, as is Aphrodite and her archetypical sisters, Athena (warrior), Artemis (adventurer), and Hestia (homemaker).

In essence, “archetypes appear as myths, though…have been modified by the individual unconsciousness of the artist or story,” writes Landau. “Myths reveal the nature of the human soul.” In other words, archetypes are primordial aspects of human nature, what Jung calls our collective unconscious and “contains the whole spiritual heritage of mankind’s evolution, born anew in the brain structure of every individual.” Blame Hollywood for our lustful desires, but blame should be placed on our natural psyche.

According to Landau, the Aphrodite woman is so unbalanced, edging toward borderline personality, that she needs to find balance–more Athena or more Artemis or other characteristics that will round out her personality. The author devotes an entire chapter to cases where she has helped Aphrodite women search within themselves by exploring and analyzing their dreams. Delving into the unconscious in this way has opened up many of Landau’s clients to new ways of looking at themselves and their lives.

I wish more of the book had been devoted to this and the focus directed a little more on how women can achieve more balance or derive meaning from their dreams in order to better themselves. Landau does address this, but it is buried beneath a lot of extraneous material that probably could have been trimmed back with the help of a good editor.

Certainly there are plenty of Aphrodites out there who can use a serious consciousness awakening and will likely find this book helpful. As Jung writes, “If a woman of this type remains unconscious of the meaning of her function…she will herself perish by the sword she brings. But consciousness transforms her into a deliverer and redeemer.”

Tragic Beauty: The Dark Side of Venus Aphrodite and the Loss and Regeneration of the Soul
By Arlene Diane Landau
Spring Journal Books: December 1, 2011
Softcover, 118 pages
$22.95

I use that quote as a reminder of just how extraordinary Barack Obama’s 2008 election really was. It wasn’t just a change in leadership, but a fundamental shift in the way we all saw our world, and the possibilities within it. Overnight, science fiction became reality.  And, just as quickly, expectations started to build. This man had already changed the world before even becoming President. What would he go on to achieve once he was in office?

In 2009, less than two weeks into office, Obama was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. He won - the first U.S. president to receive the award during his first year in office — but it was never clear what he had actually done to earn this recognition. On accepting the award, the bemused president himself said that he was “surprised” by the award, and did not feel he deserved it. It seemed that simply being Barack Obama was enough. Before he had even set foot in the White House, the world had decided that this man was a hero, and that he would change everything.

It’s perhaps unsurprising, then, that Obama hasn’t been able to meet all of these impossible expectations during his first term in office. As someone who was presumably expected to have some kind of magical power and fix all of the world’s problems with a click of his fingers, simply doing the job of being a competent, pragmatic president has attracted a wave of criticism. Cynics have been disappointed by his failure to come through on some of the promises made during his campaign, and feel that the Obama that exists in the White House isn’t the same as pre-election Obama, who promised so much to so many. As the 2012 presidential campaign shifts into high gear those doubters are asking “What – if anything – has changed?” And it is that conundrum which lies at the heart of this book by Justin A. Frank:

My decision to analyze our presidents has its roots in wondering about the ways their psyches and the external and internal pressures they feel influence the difficult job they are trying to do. But what really propelled me in the case of our current president was being struck by what seemed like a disconnect between Candidate Obama and President Obama. I wanted to understand that better, since in this case I don’t think it’s simply a matter of a politician promising one thing and doing something else. And I was interested in how and why we, by an overwhelming majority, chose Obama to be our leader.

Frank has carved out a nice niche for himself in the psychology book market by psychoanalyzing people he openly admits he’s never actually met. Not just any people, mind you, but American presidents.  Frank is also the author of the New York Times bestseller “Bush on the Couch,” about George W. Bush, and the premise for his books is simple:

Frank draws upon the time-tested techniques of applied psychoanalysis to undertake a rigorous examination of our current president, providing fresh and valuable insights that will help readers in their frustrating pursuit of the president’s character.

As a reader, I have to admit that this initially caused me to feel skeptical.  I wondered how Frank could profess to offer any kind of genuine insight into people of whom his knowledge has come through secondary sources alone. It sounded like a gimmick to me.

And, to some extent, that’s exactly what it is. Rather than a serious psychoanalysis of the president, what we get here is a dense examination of the president’s life, through painstaking review of a huge number of sources, including his speeches, interviews, and of course Obama’s own books. Step by step, Frank takes us from Obama’s infancy, through his childhood and adolescence to look at the events which shaped the president, and how these might continue to affect his personal and professional decisions to this day. Frank does touch upon a number of compelling issues drawn from his studies, and it is clear from the depth of the material that Frank’s research is thorough and robust, and that his knowledge of the subject is second to none.

An example of this is Frank’s explication of Obama’s “emotional tone deafness;” the apparent lack of empathy or connection he is able to maintain with his supporters, and his failure to truly become the ‘people’s president.’ Frank connects this with abandonment issues, resulting from the lack of a father figure in the president’s childhood:

Though he can recognize the positive effect of his speeches, he misses the sense of abandonment that his supporters have increasingly developed since he assumed office.  Unbeknown to him, his followers often feel as though they are orphaned – that the man upon whom they counted, who unconsciously represented a combined parent to so many, isn’t there when he is most needed… When he rejects his followers in this way, Obama is evading what psychoanalysts call the positive father transference, the attraction patients develop towards a therapist into whom they project the attributes they wanted in their biological father. Obama is afraid to fully feel the father transference yearnings he excited in hurt and betrayed Americans who were looking for change.

As interesting and convincing as this doubtless is, many of Frank’s conclusions still amount to what are ultimately educated guesses, or rhetoric. We could never truly claim to psychoanalyze someone through secondary sources alone, particularly someone in the public eye who has no doubt already gone to great lengths to paint their public image in a very specific way. Furthermore, Frank clearly has his own political opinions and agenda, and these could not help but color the way in which he presents the subjects of his books.

Nevertheless, the level of detail ensures that this is still a fascinating and worthwhile read. It certainly seems to offer more of a complete and measured portrait of the president than any of the other biographies currently on offer. Importantly, Frank also does more than just analyze Obama here – he takes a systemic approach in the later chapters of the book, looking at how the past four years have affected both the president’s supporters and his naysayers, and how this in turn has had a broader impact on politics and society in general. It is this systemic analysis which forms many of the book’s most interesting chapters, including a study of the rise of small-mindedness in certain parts of America, and particularly the Tea Party:

Racism, envy, the demonization of the Other, and other dynamics we’ve been discussing all come together in the Tea Party, a group of people who feel the government, personified by the president, has robbed them of what they once had: a lost, white America where they had the freedom to do what they wanted, even if they accepted that they couldn’t own slaves anymore. The fantasy of being robbed of the freedom we once had and think we still deserve is familiar to all of us because we once were children and felt and lost such freedom… Members of the Tea Party are stuck at this level of emotional development, obsessed with the unchallenged fantasy of frustrated, stolen freedom… To a Kleinian psychoanalyst, the Tea Party is allied with destructiveness out of hatred toward the reality of modern life and resentment that they feel like strangers in their own land and can’t see themselves in their president.

Overall, this is a rewarding and enlightening book, once you get past the initial gimmick. By the time you’ve finished reading it, you’ll be convinced that Dr. Frank knows more about Obama than he even knows about himself, even though they never met. And anyone with a desire to know about the president would be hard-pressed to find a more detailed analysis than this one. It’s certainly being published at the right time, too, just before the 2012 campaign and elections. This would certainly make for excellent campaign reading, and may even persuade a few voters to give Obama that second term he so deserves.

Obama On The Couch: Inside the Mind of the President
By Justin A. Frank, M.D.
Free Press:  October 18, 2011
Hardback, 288 pages
$26

A part of this resiliency seems to be genetic. Some children are able to maintain a positive outlook even through the most negative of experiences. No matter what trouble they might get into at different stages of their lives, they have a natural capacity to shrug off the bad and keep trying to make their lives work. They don’t develop self-condemnation (“I hate myself”) or view the world as the enemy (“Life is not fair; it’s too dangerous out there.”)

Another factor that dramatically changed some lives around was finding a supporting, loving spouse. I have seen many examples of this — a number of second, even third marriages where the relationship really worked and it enabled a struggling partner to finally get over the hump and break free of some unhealthy attitudes that kept them trapped in negative cycles. I particularly think of an aunt of mine who went through two marriages to men who treated her terribly and had very negative, rather mean temperments. She was not one of my favorites! Then, at the age of sixty, she married a most wonderful man and her personality underwent an incredible transformation into a more positive, outgoing woman.

These points underscore some of the issues I frequently discuss with parents. Life is not linear. Personality is not finalized in the first five years and you are not the only significant influence in the lives of your children. Temperament is a critical factor in life; something you are born with which may modify over time or may prove resistant to experience. There is a contradictory message here: parents are very influential; parents are not THAT influential. Both are true. It actually varies with each child. Some are more influenced by their experiences growing up; others much less so.

But there is a piece from Vallient’s work that very much ties in with my own experience as a therapist and is very central to the art of good parenting. Many of the adults who come for help are trapped by attitudes of self-dislike that grew out of experiences with parents who were overly critical of them or were characterized by very negative views of life. Parents who are so anxious about their children turning out right that they constantly try to “fix them” too often leave their children with a deep sense of not being lovable or competent enough to please their parents. This heavy yoke, carried like a never-ending tape in their brain playing self-critical messages, is often the key factor that must be changed for these adults to turn their lives around.

Parents need to lighten up. Especially in these times of high stress — humor, empathy, positive expectations go a long way toward creating the kind of outlook that helps children view themselves and the world in a more positive way. Focus on your child’s strengths. The inconsistent grades or the difficult behaviors should not be the primary issue for a child who isn’t particularly organized or somewhat impulsive. But that same child may draw great pictures, create wonderful stories, build complex Lego structures, or be very caring. The challenge to parents is to build their relationship around those strengths rather than the child’s weaknesses. This may provide the self-love that is the resiliency that child will need as an adult.