Being assertive is starkly different from being passive or aggressive. Paterson has a helpful analogy that distinguishes the differences. He explained:

In the passive style, all the world is allowed on stage but for you — your role is to be the audience and supporter for everyone else. In the aggressive style, you’re allowed on stage but you spend most of your time shoving the others off, like in a lifelong sumo match. With the assertive style, everyone is welcome onstage. You are entitled to be a full person, including your uniqueness, and so are others.

“Assertiveness involves advocating for yourself in a way that is positive and proactive,” said Joyce Marter, LCPC, psychotherapist and owner of Urban Balance, LLC. It also means being clear, direct and honest, she said.

For instance, if you’re upset with your boss over your performance review, you’re able to express your opinion in a diplomatic and professional way, she said. Again, this is very different from the other styles. If you’re passive, you might swallow your feelings and become resentful, which can chip away at your self-esteem and boost stress and anxiety, she said. If you’re aggressive, you might curse out your boss and quit. If you’re passive-aggressive, you might call in sick and give your boss the silent treatment, she said.

Why Some People Aren’t Assertive

Why are some people assertive while others aren’t? Many factors may contribute. Stress is one. “The fight-or-flight response is an evolutionary adaptation that pulls us toward aggression or avoidance, and away from calm, relaxed assertiveness,” Paterson said.

A person’s belief system also plays a role. According to Paterson, these assertive-sabotaging stances include: “Being nice means going along with others” or “It doesn’t matter if I’m assertive, no one will pay attention anyway” or “He’ll leave me!” That’s why it’s so important to become aware of these beliefs. “[This way you] can examine them clearly and rationally and decide what to do,” he said.

People with low self-esteem may feel inadequate and have a hard time finding their voice, Marter said. Others might fear conflict, losing a relationship, criticism or rejection, she said.

If you’re a woman, you might’ve been raised to set aside your needs and opinions and support and agree with others, Paterson said. If you’re a man, you might’ve been raised to react aggressively with a “my way or the highway” view, he said. Or just the opposite, you might want to be completely different. “[These individuals may be] fearful of provoking aggression when they are present in relationships, or of being ‘a jerk like my father was.’”

How to Be Assertive

Assertiveness is a skill that takes practice. It may always be easier for you to swallow your feelings, scream at someone or give them the silent treatment. But assertiveness is a better strategy. It works because it respects you and others.

It makes sense if you think about it. Our little ones, even when not so little anymore, live in our hearts. We want them to know it. Valentine’s Day gives us a reason to show it.

That’s why parents of young children not only buy cards but do things like put a red tablecloth on the table, serve heart-shaped pancakes at breakfast, slip little notes into lunch boxes or present a heart-shaped cake at dinner. For tweens and teens, parents often send a Valentine’s text message or an e-card as a low-key way to convey love without inducing embarrassment. For adult children, many of us send a card or flowers or at least make a phone call to let them know we carry them in our hearts no matter how far away they’ve flown. Celebrating a day dedicated to love makes us all smile.

To nurture the heart and warmth of a family, the rituals around Valentine’s Day — actually saying and doing loving things for those we love — is something that we parents can and should do regularly. Little ones need a daily dose. Grown kids need reminders of our love less often but with just as much heartfelt emotion.

Yes, February 14 gives us all a special day to do things up in a big way. But kids who get daily deposits in their emotional bank accounts are kids who develop and sustain the resilience to manage the stresses of life. They are the kids most likely to have the emotional vocabulary necessary to make good romantic choices of their own someday. They become the adults who work through the rough spots in a good relationship and whose self-esteem in strong enough to avoid or get out of a bad one.

For many parents, actively loving kids is second nature. For others, especially for those who weren’t well-loved themselves, it’s sometimes more challenging. I’m sure this has been done before, but I’m going to weigh in with my own version of what L-O-V-E stands for as a friendly reminder of the basics for parenting well:

L is for setting loving limits. Both the loving and the limits are important. Love without limits doesn’t give children the training they need to manage the world. Love without limits teaches them the world owes them a living. They feel entitled to get what they want without respecting the rights of others. Limits without love does control kids’ behavior but it doesn’t teach them self-control or self-respect. Limits that are arbitrary and harsh teach the kids to be scared of their parents, not to respect them.

Done well, limits do provide safety and show kids what is and isn’t acceptable behavior. Love is the ingredient that determines whether limits are about teaching our kids or only about controlling them. Limits that are said and done in a loving way let a child know we’re on their side, that we’re there to help, that we understand they need our guidance. Limits that lovingly adjust with a child’s growing sense of responsibility help our children grow into responsible adults.

O is for observing. The most frequently repeated phrase of normal childhood is “Look at me. Look at me.” Children are always checking for the grownups’ reactions. They want us to see their successes. They want and need our approval. They want us to really, really see them for who they are.

Kids who feel invisible to their parents either become withdrawn in discouragement or act up in order to be seen. Neither strategy works well in the family or in the world. Kids who are watched with love and approval keep trying to master new things and become confident that being their best selves is the way to get attention and inclusion.

V is for verbalizing our love. What makes Valentine’s Day so special is that it gives people the opportunity and permission to say what they feel. Kids do need this kind of affirmation every day. They need to be able to rest in the assurance that they are worthwhile and worthy of our love. They especially need to hear they are loved when they aren’t doing very lovable things. When they are regularly shown and told they are lovable and loved, kids and teens can accept correction and redirection without needing to be defensive. Kids who receive regular “I love yous” are kids who grow up knowing how to express love to their family members, and eventually, their own partners and children.

E is for enjoying our children. Kids need us to enjoy them as well as to care for them. They need us to play with them, joke with them, and generally be delighted with their efforts and little successes. They need us to want to spend time with them and to spend a little of life on their terms. That means reading the same story for the hundredth evening in a row with enthusiasm. That means getting out in the sandbox or down on the floor with the blocks and getting into the game. That means listening to our teen’s music with interest instead of criticism.

When kids feel like a burden or a disappointment or a major inconvenience in adult lives, they start to see themselves as defective and unworthy of love. Such children are vulnerable to depression. Some live down to the expectations of their parents and become unlovable by getting in trouble or being rebellious and difficult to manage. Kids who are enjoyed, however, are more likely to develop a strong self-esteem and self-confidence in the social world. Being a joy to parents feels good so they are more likely to be enjoyable.

By all means, make Valentine’s Day special. Any excuse to celebrate our families is fine with me. But let’s not forget that we can make valentine-ing into a verb; an action word for the many ways we provide L-O-V-E to our children every day. When we do, we both nurture them and draw more love, warmth, and affection into the family as a whole.

Whether it’s your first or fourth child, your relationship still sees a jolt. As Marter said, “The first child most often brings about the greatest life and relationship change, but each subsequent child affects a couple almost exponentially, widening the scope of responsibilities and compounding family and relationship dynamics.”

Having children can bring couples closer. But it also can chip away at a relationship if you’re unprepared for the potential pitfalls. Take this surprising statistic: Within three years of their child’s birth, about 70 percent of couples experience a significant slump in their relationship quality, according to the Gottman Relationship Institute.

The key in keeping a relationship happy and fulfilling is knowing what these pitfalls are, having realistic expectations and staying committed to each other. Below are three of the most common pitfalls and pointers to help.

Pitfall 1: Sleep deprivation

Everyone knows that having kids is exhausting. But you might not fully appreciate the fatigue. According to Marter, “the chronic and cumulative nature of sleep deprivation during the newborn phase is perhaps one of the most commonly underestimated challenges of new parenthood.”

Sleep deprivation sinks your mood, makes it harder to cope effectively with stress and exacerbates mood swings and anxiety. And that’s just what it does to each person.

Lack of sleep strains the relationship in various ways: Couples may fight about who’s doing more and sleeping less. Because couples are extra agitated and stressed, they might squabble more in general. And the primary caregiver may feel unsupported and alone and eventually resent their spouse, Marter said.

Pointers: Sleep when your baby sleeps, Marter said. “This may mean letting the laundry or scrapbooks wait and forcing yourself to nap. It might mean going to bed at 8 p.m., so that you can sleep during your baby’s longest stretch.”

What if your baby isn’t really sleeping? Marter suggested working with your pediatrician and reading other resources such as Healthy Sleep Habits, Healthy Child by Dr. Marc Weissbluth. If feedings are the reason your family isn’t getting much sleep, she also suggested checking out the La Leche League, and figuring out a feeding schedule that works best.

Ask loved ones for support and, if it’s financially feasible, hire help for household chores, a babysitter so you can take daytime naps or a night nanny, Marter said.

And work as a team. For instance, moms who are breastfeeding can pump so their partners or loved ones take turns doing the feedings.

Pitfall 2: Lack of intimacy

Sexual intimacy declines after having a baby, and not surprisingly, this can negatively affect your relationship. “Because sexuality is intensely personal and sexual connection is a major component of romantic relationships, sexual dysfunction or disconnection can become a significant problem for many couples,” Marter said.

The decline happens for many reasons. Physicians typically suggest that women abstain from intercourse for 4 to 6 weeks after childbirth. Even after that time, “women may experience or fear pain from intercourse due to the effects of delivery, an episiotomy, perineal tearing, and/or vaginal dryness due to hormone fluctuations,” Marter said. Couples also experience a decline in desire because of busy schedules, body image issues, fatigue and other concerns.

Pointers: Expect that intimacy will decline after childbirth. This is normal considering the sleep deprivation, new responsibilities and need for the woman’s body to heal, Marter said. Avoid viewing lack of sex as rejection or a sign of trouble in your relationship.

Be close and intimate in other ways, such as kissing, touching, snuggling or spooning, Marter said. Make time to physically connect with each other. Staying home and watching a movie is one way, she said.

“Good sex requires good communication.” Marter suggested talking openly about your needs, preferences and fantasies with your partner. These are some questions she suggested raising: “What is good about [your sex life]? When was it the best and why? What do you each desire? What schedule seems to work best for you? What gets in the way of having more sex?”

Also, work on your emotional connection. For instance, “Create at least 20 minutes per day to connect and talk about things other than the responsibilities with household and baby,” Marter said.

Pitfall 3: Responsibilities

In Marter’s practice, the most prevalent problem for couples is division of labor. Resentments inevitably peak when one partner feels like they’re tackling more tasks and working harder. “They may compare and become competitive or defensive about their responsibilities, schedules or the pros and cons of their work or role,” she said.

They also might glorify each other’s positions, Marter said. A stay-at-home dad might think his wife’s day at work is filled with swanky business lunches, interesting projects and a quiet commute, while he’s dealing with temper tantrums and dirty diapers. His wife might imagine him playing, cuddling and connecting with their child, while she deals with a difficult boss, endless deadlines and concerns over job security. “Then, when an issue like who is going to do the laundry comes up, the misunderstandings have created an environment ripe for conflict,” she said.

One of the problems is that couples usually don’t have a plan for how they’re going to divvy up responsibilities. Marter finds that many couples make assumptions about who’ll do what — often based on how their parents did things — which typically leads to confusion and conflict.

Pointers: Map out what your routine and responsibilities will look like, Marter said. And make sure it’s fair to both partners. Again, couples get into trouble when responsibilities are vague. One of Marter’s clients wanted her husband to help out in the mornings, but the couple ended up bickering instead. “By sitting down and reviewing the mornings tasks, the husband was able to select several items that his wife agreed would be helpful for him to manage,” she said.

When you’re figuring out fairness, remember that a relationship requires give and take. “For example, the husband of a client who is a teacher really steps it up during her grading periods and she picks up the slack when he travels for work,” Marter said.

Also, lower your standards, and let some things go. Another client of Marter’s, who was super stressed and worn out, used to iron all her baby’s clothes. Of course, getting enough sleep supersedes ironing. “Focus on the big things and let the small stuff go,” Marter said.

“The transition to family is simultaneously joyous, miraculous and wondrous and one of the most challenging life experiences and opportunities for growth,” Marter said. It helps for couples to have realistic expectations about parenthood and their relationship and to remain committed to working as a team.

One of the letters I received recently on Psych Central’s Ask the Therapist feature echoes a lament I hear regularly.

Another parent writes, “I feel like times together are either too tense or too boring. What can I do?”

Still another says, “My two teens are either out of the house or out of touch. How can I keep them involved with the family?”

Parents want to be closer to their kids. They want their kids to be closer to each other. They know that tweens and teens need the family more than they think they do. But sometimes it seems like modern family life conspires against togetherness.

Parents are stressed by working harder than ever if they have work; are stressed and depressed if they don’t. Kids are so connected to the peer group through texts they seem lost to another universe. The teens who are striving to get into good colleges are spending hours on homework and more hours in extracurricular activities to build up their resumes. Those who want or need money work after school and on weekends. Those who are depressed or don’t care retreat to the privacy – and aloneness – of their own rooms or corners or to the street. The computers, TVs and smart phones beckon to everyone in the family. What can a parent do to combat the ever-present electronics and the siren calls of the peer group?

There are dozens of books with hundreds of pages of advice for how to keep the family close. Many are good ones. But if you are too stretched to read them, here’s a short how-to:

Togetherness = Time + Talk + Teamwork

Time: A group of people can’t be a family unless they spend time together. Parents have the right and obligation to make demands for together time, even if kids whine, complain, and otherwise object. If you place a value on family time through action as well as words, the kids will eventually accept it and value it too.

Make a commitment to have dinner together, as a family, eating at the same time around the same table at least three or four times a week. Research shows that kids who share dinnertime with their families on a regular basis do better in school, get along better with others, and generally do better in life.

Take charge of planning and following through on a family activity once a week. That can be a family game night, a hike together, playing an outdoor sport or an indoor Wii, or going to a local event and talking about it afterward. As long as you are doing it as a family instead of as individuals you are supporting “familyness.”

Talk: In order for a group of individuals to be a family, they need to really know each other. Knowing comes from sharing information and stories.

Be interested in what interests your teen. It doesn’t matter if you are interested in the subject. What matters is that you are interested in your teen. You think their taste in music is appalling? Rather than passing judgment, ask your teen to explain it to you. Who are the bands she likes? What makes their music so compelling? What does he think the songwriter is trying to tell us all about the world? Engage in conversation, not criticism. Same goes for choice of friends, activities, and dreams.

Share your life. People learn best through stories. Share anecdotes from your own growing up. Don’t be afraid to poke fun at yourself. Share the not-so-good as well as good times and what you learned about yourself and others. Share information about what you find rewarding and challenging about being an adult. One caution: The kids are not our counselors. Keep appropriate boundaries when talking about adult issues that should remain adult issues.

Teamwork: To be a family, the people in it need to feel like a team. Anyone who has played on a team knows that you don’t even have to initially like each other to work together. Working together often is what fosters liking and respect.

Create times to work together on something, almost anything. Cleaning the garage or doing yard work can be an odious task or it can be a way to build your team. Don’t just direct the kids to do it. Get in there and be an active coach. Play to different people’s strengths. Give them encouragement. Express appreciation.

Make meals together. Remember those family dinners back in the “time” category. Often the best part of the meal is the making of it. One kid can make the salad while another sets the table. As kids get older, they can be involved in creating the whole meal. “Hell’s Kitchen” may make for good TV but it doesn’t create good feelings in a family. Be generous with praise and appreciation. Demonstrate cooking techniques and shortcuts. Not only will you get togetherness, but the kids will eventually leave home knowing how to get a meal on the table.

Find activities that require different strengths and different skills. Just as people on a team have different jobs in order to reach a mutual goal, there are family activities that can accommodate everyone’s age and skill level. Going on a trip? Ask one kid to research things to do at the destination, ask another to keep a family blog, another to track mileage and expenses, another to be in charge of taking family photos, etc. At the end of the trip, you can work together to make a family album or to update the family website. Planning the grocery shopping for the week? Get everyone involved with meal planning and with looking for coupons. Kids who have had an investment in what they’re going to eat are less likely to balk at what’s for dinner.

If you want the members of your family to be closer to one another, keep the three T’s of time, talk and teamwork in mind and build them into every week. Togetherness naturally follows.

Since the 19th century, males have been pressured by what author William Pollack calls the “boy code,” the outdated assumptions, models, and rules about boys and men that society has developed.

This concrete ideology of manliness affects males’ perceptions of themselves, how to cope with challenges, and how to be true men, fathers, sons and brothers.

Even females have perpetuated this idea by buying into media propaganda, encouraging boys to be “rough and tough,” rejecting (either intentionally or unintentionally) the emotional display of inner feelings, and requiring that boys only respond a certain way to problems. For example, a 12-year-old boy who is constantly being bullied is told by his father to “stop crying and stand up!” This statement implies that this male child is not permitted to display his innermost feelings, but to deny them and fight back, which encourages aggression.

Society influences men and young boys to believe in the social model of maleness, that is, the social construct that says males should be strong, stoic, aggressive, assertive, controlling, unfeeling, and capable of handling their problems alone. In fact, many men fear social marginalization if they reveal their deepest feelings. This can lead to feelings of aloneness, isolation, depression, and even suicidal ideation in severe cases of isolation.

It is extremely important that we share our feelings, receive feedback and support, and gain love and human closeness from those we love and from those who love us. Men are no different. A showing of affection and vulnerability is not a display of human weakness, but of human necessity. I tend to liken the male social model to that of a prison. It is easy to get into, but difficult to get out of. Marginalization and stigma keep our male children, family members, and spouses stuck in a false, preconceived notion of maleness.

Men are taught very early to fit into the social construct of the male gender role. Their nurseries are blue; their clothes are blue or white or black; some parents tend to “baby” boys less; and extended family surround boys with sports, rough and tumble play, and tough male talk. I by no means am against such social tradition; however, it is important that we become aware of how we are influencing our children to view themselves and to view their place in the world.

We must be careful not to send the subliminal message that men are to be uncaring, emotionally distant, and stoic at all times. We must model for our children that men are human beings with feelings, needs, and desires to be loved and cared for. Yes, men can be strong and powerful in our society. But they are also feeling beings who should tap into their emotional side. A man who can utilize both their strong and emotional traits can be very attractive to various areas of life.

Men and boys tend to meet challenges with multiple facades that only perpetuate the emotional pain. They tend to hide their genuine self by behaving nonchalantly, withdrawing, acting cheerfully, or displaying high levels of self-confidence and assurance. However, a man’s true emotions may entail feelings of shame, guilt, loneliness, vulnerability, confusion, uncertainty, depression, and fear. We must learn the “language” of men and become aware of the effects our society has had on the development of the male persona.

Here are a few general principles to apply to our relationships with the men in our lives:

• Listen intently. We appreciate being listened to, especially when we are feeling overwhelmed by life’s turbulences. Once an individual feels listened to and understood they are more capable of opening up to us in the future and feeling that they can share their deepest hurts, fears, and uncertainties without being judged.
• Be compassionate. It is important that while we are listening we also show compassion. Compassion can be defined in multiple ways; however, the Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines compassion quite well as the “sympathetic consciousness of others’ distress together with a desire to alleviate it.” We must be compassionate and willing to experience the distress of the man who is probably very detached from his own emotions. We can use our compassion to mirror appropriate responses to pain and distress.
• Do not suffocate him. Most men are very much like natural-born claustrophobics. They do not like to be suffocated or to feel trapped. Once they feel this way, they shut down and isolate. We want to encourage them to open up and feel safe when they share what bothers them. We want to express genuine concern, authenticity, and support.

If they want to talk about what bothers them, great. If not, that should be fine too. Give them time to open up, help them feel that you are available, and avoid pressuring them into talking about feelings right away. Men tend to express themselves in behavioral terms. In other words, they may talk about what they did or didn’t do as opposed to how they feel. Keep in mind that you may have to act as a catalyst for change on multiple occasions until that man or boy becomes comfortable with sharing their feelings.

The most important thing to consider is how we are approaching the men and boys in our lives and how they perceive their role(s) in the world. We should also aim to eradicate false ideologies of maleness and help construct a more appropriate and mentally healthy way that men and boys could view themselves in the world. I encourage you to do just that.

“Did you ever reach a point in your life,” he asks, “where you say to yourself, ‘This is the best I’m ever going to look, the best I’m ever going to feel, the best I’m ever going to do? And it ain’t that great?’”

That’s as good a description as any of what a midlife crisis is all about. Of course, Billy Crystal’s alter ego is far from the only hombre to ride nervously past the buzzards of Midlife Gulch. Ulysses, Dante, and Michelangelo have been there. So have Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung.

In his late thirties, Shakespeare switched from writing comedies to writing tragedies, producing in the process King Lear, Macbeth, Hamlet, and Othello — all tales of men who discover too late that their lives have gone seriously awry.

What is This Vague, Uncomfortable Feeling?

What, exactly, constitutes a midlife crisis? Experts agree there’s no single definition, although a pervasive sense of disappointment and a nagging feeling that time’s running out would be among the major characteristics. Larry Bumpass, Ph.D., a sociologist at the University of Wisconsin in Madison who directs the National Survey of Families and Households, says there’s “an array” of at least 40 events that commonly occur at midlife, from losing a job to the death of a parent, a flagging libido, divorce, or illness.

Midlife for men today is tougher than it’s ever been, says Ronald Levant, Ed.D., a psychologist who teaches at Harvard Medical School. The Ozzie and Harriet model of family life no longer prevails, he says, and new demands on men can exacerbate the confusion of midlife transition.

“It’s more of a crisis now than it might have been for our fathers because of the dynamic changes in the role of women and the structure of the American family,” Dr. Levant says. “Midlife men are now living with role expectations that are vastly different from when they grew up. The traditional masculine code has been broken.”

No Need to Panic

Many experts believe the word “crisis” overstates the degree of angst most middle-age men experience. These same experts also say that many of the stereotypes about men at midlife-such as their burning desire to hold onto youth by latching onto a younger woman-aren’t necessarily true. “Sure, we all know somebody who left his wife for his secretary when he was 45. But men leave their wives when they’re younger, too,” says Dr. Bumpass.

In fact, Dr. Bumpass’s research demonstrates quite clearly that the risk of divorce actually declines the longer people are married. Another study, conducted at the New England Research Institute by psychologist John B. McKinlay, Ph.D. showed that only 2 percent of over 1,700 middle age and older men surveyed reported having more than one current sexual partner, a far lower rate than the stereotypes would have us believe.

The word “crisis” applies more to how midlife transitions are handled than to the fact that transitions are taking place, says Leonard Felder, Ph.D., a psychologist in private practice in Los Angeles and an expert on midlife and career issues.

“Most people between the ages of 30 and 50 go through some major shifts in the way they see themselves and the way they feel about their lives,” he says. “That’s normal. It’s a crisis if men act impulsively during it. If they throw away their wives, kids, friends, then it’s a crisis. If they carefully think this through, it’s a fascinating transition.”

Take Stock of Your Life

That midlife regrets can serve as a potent catalyst for personal growth is a theme sounded repeatedly by experts from many disciplines. “I would go so far as to call it a midlife opportunity,” says Marsha Sinetar, Ph.D., an organizational psychologist and the author of Do What You Love; the Money Will Follow. “It’s time to look at questions like, Who am I? What do I believe? What do I really need? Those are issues worth examining. This means taking yourself seriously, perhaps for the first time.”

The first recommended step for getting the most out of your midlife agonies is to listen to them. Therapists say there’s a strong temptation to deny the questions that come up at midlife because the answers are sometimes threatening.

“Accept what’s happening,” says Dr. Sinetar. “Try to relax into the chaos. Trust that you’re going to find something wonderful in it.”

Holidays typically recreate old family dynamics as adult children reunite with parents, creating pressure from the original family system to replay the same patterns as before. This pressure invites conflict as new boundaries, competing with earlier ones, are tested and challenged. How the scene unfolds, and the outcome, depends on the level of differentiation achieved by the man from his mother, and the security of the boundaries he has established around his marriage and new family.

Loyalty binds are part of a common dysfunctional family dynamic which occurs when mothers use their sons to make up for previous loss, and lack of connection with — or anger at — their husbands. In such families, mothers often have a history of unresolved trauma, loss, or insecure attachments with their own mothers. This leads to a parallel and compensatory style of attachment with their sons. Instead of the mother tuning in to the child’s emotional states, the reverse occurs, requiring the child to adapt to the mother’s needs.

The Insecure Attachment Style

“Good enough mothering” involves a delicate dance of noticing and attuning to the child’s own rhythm, and adjusting one’s own rhythm to be in sync with the child’s need for closeness or distance, stimulation or retreat. Healthy attachment requires mothers to be secure enough to allow their children to safely differentiate from them without pulling them back in with the threat of anger, withdrawal, or guilt. Unresolved issues from the mother’s own childhood, particularly around separation and loss, can impede her capacity to allow the child’s needs and rhythms — not their own — to guide attachment.

As the child becomes an adult, a mother with this anxious, insecure attachment style may refuse to let go, secretly needing to remain the primary love attachment. This may not become apparent until her son finds a romantic love partner and devotes himself to her, allowing a competitor to enter the scene. The situation is then often enacted in full drama around family events and holidays when the mother’s explicit demands, and [unspoken] expectation of “loyalty” (i.e., exclusive love) from her son, conflicts with his role as a husband.

Jason’s mom required a possessive, symbiotic union with her son to guard against experiencing buried feelings of loss and abandonment. Losing her hold over Jason as he shifted his loyalties to his wife was the ultimate threat to her sense of security and control. When Jason married Kelley, the split he felt as a boy when he had to choose between his mom and dad was recreated between his mother and his wife. This split became most apparent during their first holiday season together, when Jason’s mom made him feel guilty about how he divided his time, accusing him of abandoning her, and directing hate and blame toward Kelley.

Jason’s parents divorced when he was a very young boy. Growing up, when he was at his dad’s, his mom called him frequently, asking him if he was OK — even when he was happy — and reassuring him that he had other people (her family) who loved him. She communicated to him in a variety of explicit and implicit ways her hurt and betrayal over his dad, which made Jason feel responsible for taking care of her.

Jason coped by developing a pattern of emotional detachment and blunting his feelings with both parents, so as not to let on that he was having too good of a time with either. He experienced muted enjoyment with his dad in particular, often acting as if he were less excited than he was, especially when his mom phoned him, which was often. He felt particularly protective of his mom, the “abandoned one,” often hiding the nature of his relationship with his dad, though it was secretly vital to him. He felt guilty for leaving his mom alone. Jason’s father, in turn, took his son’s blunted reactions at face value, worrying that Jason did not like him or enjoy their time together, often reacting by pulling back or becoming angry.

Jason was in the dark about how he felt because both parents imposed their own feelings on him. No one helped him understand what was happening or gave him a safe space to experience his own natural reactions, which went underground. Without help articulating their own and other’s states of mind through words and emotional resonance, children do not develop a “sense” of themselves. This self-awareness or inner wisdom is needed to guide ourselves. It allows us to gauge what is happening in our relationships and make decisions that are true to ourselves.

In place of authentic experience, Jason developed an adaptation to relationships in which he was detached and “other-directed.” His reactions were driven by fear and dread of his mom’s unhappiness. When she was angry or hurt, through a process of “projective identification,” he took on her feelings as if they were his own, experiencing the weight of her depression, and the related feelings of guilt and badness she projected onto him.

Projective identification is an unconscious psychological process occurring in relationships whereby one person’s disowned feelings are put into the other. The recipient identifies with these projected feelings as if they were his own and both enter into a shared delusional cycle. In this case, Jason experienced his mom’s rageful accusations of abandonment as an emotional truth, feeling depressed, guilt-ridden and mad at himself for not looking out for her.

Using guilt, as Jason’s mom did, to control others in relationships disregards boundaries and disrespects the other person’s autonomy. This approach to relationships replaces mutuality and negotiation with greed and emotional blackmail, presuming a lack of faith that others would give of their own free will. It is typically an unconscious process whereby the guilt-tripper feels self-righteous, entitled, and innocent of any misdeed. Emotional manipulation through guilt can be costly — breeding resentment, limiting authentic engagement, and hijacking initiative and genuine desire.

In cases such as Jason’s, the lack of differentiation between mother and son is so complete and unconscious that the man may be unaware of the source of his resentment, easily displacing it onto his wife, usually a safer target than mother. This pattern leads to unintended collusion with the mother, causing the marriage to become divided until the man “owns” his unexpressed conflict with his mom, and recognizes that she is the source of his anger. An absence of anger toward his mother, or the inability to come forward with it likely is a sign of re-experiencing a once adaptive, but now instinctual, response to danger experienced as a child for any such emotional separation from mother.

Jason needs to see what is really happening in order to disentangle himself from his mother’s projections and find a space to think and feel for himself. Awareness of his internal conflict and anger over the emotional burden and manipulation he has had to bear will allow him the courage to set limits with his mom. Standing up to his mom will reduce his fear and avoidance, creating a space for him to act of his own volition and desire and choose his wife as his primary loyalty and partner in life.

Tips for the Woman

• Stay aligned with your husband.
• Communicate feelings and requests clearly, without anger and without acting out.
• Don’t demonize or badmouth his mom.
• Refrain from holding or playing out conflicts that reside between your husband and his mom.
• Don’t behave like his mother and try to control him.
• Allow him needed autonomy.
• Be mindful of the burden he has had to bear and that he is reacting to survival instinct.

Tips for the Man

• Recognize that your primary allegiance is to your wife.
• Set boundaries with your mom to protect your marriage. Learn to say no to your mother and not give in reflexively. Call your mom out on inappropriate behavior and demands.
• Never collude with mother’s complaints about your wife or confide in your mother about your wife.
• Present you and your wife as a united front that can’t be split.

Long-distance relationships create extra challenges and stressors. But couples can still cultivate a fulfilling and happy relationship. Here’s how.

1. View the distance as an opportunity.

Orbuch encourages “couples to write down the advantages of a long distance relationship, especially if it is only short term.” According to Orbuch, your list might include: extra time with family and friends; an opportunity to learn to communicate even better; the anticipation and thrill of weekend trips; maintaining your individuality; and spending more time on your own interests, goals and passions, such as “working on your next book, your art, your hobbies [and] exercising.”

2. Establish crystal-clear expectations.

Couples want to make sure that they’re on the same page when it comes to their relationship, especially since distance can lead to many mix-ups.

“These can be difficult and awkward questions to ask, but will save you great heartache and misunderstanding down the line,” Orbuch said. Get clear on things like how often you’ll communicate each day and how and when you’ll visit each other.

3. Have an end goal.

Orbuch strongly suggested couples talk about the future of their relationship and “when you’ll move back together again.” As she explained, this shows to both people that the “relationship is going somewhere” and your efforts are worthwhile.

It helps to agree on a timeframe, but Orbuch said that at least trying to create one is a good start. And “Be realistic in your assessment of this relationship timetable,” she added.

4. Communicate every day.

Let’s face it: Many partners don’t enjoy talking on the phone; some find texting irritating; and others can’t stand technology in general. But keeping that emotional connection is key, Orbuch said.

Of course, you don’t have to have long, heart-to-heart talks every time. Orbuch suggested the following: “telling each other about your little triumphs and tragedies, ask[ing] for advice [and] talk[ing] about your day.” Use your preferred mode of communication, whether that’s talking or texting on your phone, email or video chats.

And don’t forget about old-school approaches. “Also sending letters, notes and greeting cards are wonderful ways to surprise each other!” Orbuch said. Flowers and small gifts are great, too, she added.

5. See each other regularly.

It’s essential to make visiting each other a priority. Again, set clear expectations about how often you’ll visit each other and who’ll visit whom, Orbuch said.

6. Work on your trust issues.

According to Orbuch, jealousy is a common challenge for long-distance couples. “Each of you will go out with friends, stay late at work, or not be there when you call (because of a previous engagement/activity),” she said.

The solution? Communication and trust. “Talk often about how you feel toward one another, remember to trust each other until there is reason not to, and keep your suspicions out of the relationship.”

7. Make it to important events.

“One of the reasons we commit to a long-term relationship is to have someone there to share the good and bad times with us,” Orbuch said. Being there for special celebrations and engagements is an important way to support your partner and relationship.

• 8 Surprising Myths About Relationships
• What You Need to Know Before Living Together

To learn more about Terri Orbuch, Ph.D, check out her website and sign up for her free newsletter here.

Ignoring stress only ignites it. “Even when a couple tries to ignore stress, like static in the air, it is felt and absorbed.” If partners do talk about being stressed, they may not know what to do about it, Ford added.

Also, “stress is contagious.” Ford compared stress to a game of ping-pong, where the tension “bounces back and forth between partners.” Partners become both unable to relax and enjoy each other, she said. Stress “shows up in our actions, our behavior, and in both verbal and non-verbal communications,” so it’s bound to not only affect both partners but also their relationship. “Stressed-out couples quarrel and fight more often, withdraw from each other, feel disconnected, sad, frustrated, angry.” Ongoing unchecked stress can create bigger problems. “Long-term stress can turn to depression and isolation resulting in a frozen and distant relationship.”

Below, Ford shares her advice on spotting stress, comforting your partner and overcoming stress as a couple.

1. Recognize stress symptoms.

According to Ford, “Couples often become so accustomed to unchecked stress that they barely recognize and often overlook the destructive ramifications.” So how do you know when your partner (or you) is stressed? Ford listed these straightforward signs of stress:

• “one or both partners are snappy, cranky, withdrawn, moody, pouty, teary, ornery, angry, restless, hyper, agitated, overly excited.
• one or both partners are self-medicating with drugs, alcohol, food, etc.”

2. Approach your partner.

If you see signs of stress, ask your partner what’s going on in a kind and compassionate way. It could be as simple as: ““Are you having a difficult day, honey? Come sit by me and tell me all about it,” Ford said.

3. Listen.

“We want our partner to understand and when we are listened, we feel cared for,” Ford said. Keep in mind that listening is a skill, and one that few people actually do well. It’s the same with communicating with your partner. To learn more, read this piece on how partners can become active listeners and better speakers.

4. Comfort first.

Many partners forget to console their significant other and instead try to problem solve. But, as Ford said, “Comfort each other first, problem solve second.” That’s because your partner might be looking for stress relief rather than a nitty-gritty brainstorming session. Just hugging and gently touching your partner can provide that relief.

5. Get active together.

Participating in physical activities is one of the best ways to reduce stress. Plus, if you’re engaging in new activities, it can reignite your relationship. (Here’s more on boosting the passion in your relationship.)

6. Create a list of stress-reducing rituals.

Ford suggested that each partner write up a list of their “comforting rituals.” This can be anything from taking a bath to reading a book to working in the garage, she explained.

7. Check your stress temperature.

When both partners are stressed, comforting each other can get tricky. But Ford’s solution actually encourages couples to cope on their own. That’s because “You can’t comfort your partner until you have comforted yourself first. Calm yourself first then reach out in support of your partner.”

Ford suggested that each partner take what she calls a “stress temperature.” This simply means checking in with yourself to see where you fall on a 10-point scale (10 being “high stress” and 1 being “relaxed”). Share your temperature with each other. If it’s higher than a 4, each partner can engage in their comforting ritual, Ford said.

She added: “Support each other in recognizing and taking stress temps. When the temp is high, just like when a person is sick, he or she will need to do whatever it takes to feel better. Encourage your sweetheart to take care.”

8. Ask your partner what you can do.

An important way of supporting your loved one is to ask them flat-out how you can help. According to Ford, you might say: “Is there anything I can do to make your day go smoother?” If your partner isn’t sure, “notice what might be helpful and do that.” It might be anything from doing a few chores to giving them a relaxing back rub.

9. Keep posted on your partner’s days.

Knowing your partner’s daily agenda helps you spot potential stressors and be prepared to help. Do they have a big presentation or client interview coming up? Are they taking a test in their toughest class? Is their friend going through a difficult time? Is it time for their quarterly evaluation?

“Find out at least one thing that your partner will be doing and dealing with during the day.” Ford suggested asking your partner directly what’s on their plate: “Honey, what’s going on for you today?”

10. Consider if there’s anything else you can do.

Of course you can’t ease your partner’s stress completely. But you can pay attention to whether they’re happy and see how you can help. Ford suggested asking yourself: “Am I doing everything within my power to aid in my partner’s happiness?”

Unchecked stress can sabotage a relationship and lead to dissatisfaction and disconnection. But there are many ways you can take action to alleviate your own stress and support your partner.

You can learn more about Judy Ford at her website.

In fact, a secure attachment underlies the strongest relationships. And both partners in such relationships tend to feel “calm, connected, centered and safe,” according to clinical psychologist Lisa Blum, PsyD, who specializes in Emotionally Focused Therapy and leads workshops for couples with her colleague Silvina Irwin, Ph.D. Also, a secure attachment helps partners as individuals, too. ““Good secure bonding helps you be bolder in the world and feel more empowered,” Blum said.

Founded by Drs. Sue Johnson and Les Greenberg, emotionally focused therapy or EFT draws on attachment theory, which asserts that humans are hardwired for strong emotional bonds with others. According to EFT, couples have relationship problems when they’ve “experienced emotional disconnection with their partner at key moments, which then leads to struggles” with negative cycles of criticism and anger (among other emotions and reactions). Therefore, the aim of EFT is to help couples overcome these negative cycles, re-establish their connection, and strengthen their emotional bond.

Research has shown that EFT is highly effective. “Seven out of 10 distressed couples [who seek EFT] show marked improvement, move out of distress and stay there,” Blum said. (The International Center for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy website lists several noted research publications.)

What It Means To Be Securely Attached

A secure attachment signifies a successful relationship. So what does a securely attached couple look like? According to Blum, both partners in a secure relationship are able to tune into, identify and accept their own emotions and needs. They’re able to recognize when they’re feeling disconnected and distant from their partner and to speak candidly about their needs and emotions.

Take the example of a wife who’s working on several big projects at work, which take her away from home more and more. Her husband understands and supports his wife. The first week he’s perfectly OK with the situation. The next week, though, he starts to get uncomfortable. By the third week, he’s angry and “prickly toward her.” At this point, he considers his feelings and behaviors. He realizes that he’s feeling lonely and like work has become his wife’s number one priority over him. He’s able to tune into his feelings, identify them and accept them, Blum said.

(On a side note, many people, especially men, feel ashamed about feeling lonely or needing their partner. Again, there’s an expectation in our society that we shouldn’t need anyone. But remember that we’re hardwired for closeness. So don’t put yourself down for these thoughts and reactions.)

Trust is another part of a secure relationship. Both partners must be able to reach out to each other and trust that they’ll respond sensitively. Again, take the above example. The husband knows that when he talks to his wife about his feelings, she will care and listen to his needs and feelings. He’ll be able to be vulnerable with her and reveal that he misses her and ask her to make more time for their relationship.

In response, the wife may apologize and thank her husband for being honest. She also might suggest they hire a babysitter and enjoy a night out. In other words, she responds compassionately and appreciates that he can articulate his needs and emotions. As a result, he’s then comforted by her response and able to move on. So after such a conversation or series of talks, “the bond is restored and strengthened,” Blum said.

For many couples, the interaction goes awry when one partner becomes angry at having to ask for attention or care. And one or both of them “puts on the armor,” as Blum calls it. Instead of discussing their concerns and needs, they lash out. For instance, the husband in the above example might’ve said: “You haven’t been around for weeks. I’m taking care of the kids and you have yet to thank me. Do you think you don’t have a family anymore?”

Before deciding a child is a discipline problem, it’s very important to rule out medical issues. I’ll never forget a particularly squirmy and whiny toddler who had developed a gross habit of picking at his bum and smearing his poop on the floor. His mom was at her wit’s end. Sensing something was physically amiss, I referred her back to her pediatrician. The result? A diagnosis of a serious case of pinworms. No wonder the kid was out of control!

Barring medical issues, though, and before considering psychiatric ones (such as ADHD), let’s consider why any child would be so emotionally needy that she constantly makes bids for extra attention, even at the expense of adult disapproval and negative consequences.

One of my teachers, Rudolf Dreikurs, used to say that children need attention like a plant needs sun and water. Mother Nature does her best to make sure both plants and our little ones get what they need. Little children are designed to get adult attention. Watch what happens when adults meet the new baby in the family. His little face and cute little fingers and toes make adults fuss over him and even compete to hold him. His cries bring his mother running. His little coos and smiles keep her engaged.

By trial and error, growing children figure out what makes adults continue to give them attention and what drives them away. Since they are dependent on us, they do everything they can to get the love and nurturance they need. Usually their early experience shows them that when they are well-behaved, when they learn new skills, and when they are happy, they pull adults closer. When the adults react with interest, affection and approval, the children strive to please, to copy the big people, to grow in their social and practical skills, and to find a positive place in their family.

But when children consistently can’t get a response, they get desperate. Abandonment threatens a child’s emotional and physical survival. Lacking enough positive interaction, a child will develop negative tactics to re-engage the adults. Being scolded, nagged, reminded, and punished is far better than being ignored. By finding ways to be personally addressed by an exasperated or angry adult, the child makes sure that at least he isn’t forgotten.

Few parents set out to deprive their children of enough parental contact. But many parents are overscheduled, working too hard, or in distress themselves. Parents who weren’t parented well when they were young may not fully appreciate how much their children need their time and attention. And sometimes it’s a matter of temperament. Some children just need more interaction than others. This can be especially challenging to a parent who by nature doesn’t need as much connection as their child does.

Even though they’re doing the best they can, parents who are overwhelmed by the job may inadvertently create a situation where the kids have no choice but to misbehave to ensure a connection. When it’s a matter of mismatched temperaments that causes the distance, the child’s desperate attempts to engage can make the relationship even more difficult. Spilling the milk, fighting with a sibling, or pitching a tantrum may not get love and snuggles but these antics certainly get the adults involved.

What To Do About an Attention-Seeking Child

Children who are attention-seeking have a legitimate need. It’s our job to teach them how to get it in a legitimate way.

The first question to ask ourselves is whether the child has a point. Is he showing us by his behavior that we’re not involved enough? It’s easy to get so caught up with work, chores, activities, and responsibilities that we don’t spend enough time specifically interacting with our children. A shocking statistic is that the average American child only gets 3.5 minutes a day of uninterrupted individual attention from her parents! When that’s the case, the child doesn’t need discipline so much as the parents need to reorder priorities.

Parents who were themselves neglected, who are temperamentally more distant, or who are struggling with mental illness need to work to overcome their own issues for the sake of their children’s psychological welfare. Little kids need to be cuddled, played with, talked to, read to, and tucked in at night to be emotionally secure and strong. Big kids need their folks to share activities and meaningful conversations, to attend their events, and, yes, to give them hugs and pats on the back.

When children are getting plenty of parental juice but are still misbehaving, they have somehow misunderstood what they need to do to engage others. Then some remedial work needs to be done. It comes down to these not-so-easy steps:

1. Catch them being good. Give attention for appropriate behavior. Look for opportunities to make a positive comment, to pat a child on the shoulder, to share an activity, and to have a conversation. Fill up the attention hole with good stuff as many times a day as you can. Surely we can all do better than that 3.5 minute daily average!

2. Ignore the misbehavior but not the child. When the child misbehaves, resist the temptation to lecture, nag, scold, yell, or punish. Negative reactions will only keep the negative interaction going. Instead, simply quietly send her to timeout (no more than one minute per year of age). The less talking about the misbehavior, the better. When the time’s up, invite her to come back to join the family. Give her reassurance that you know she can behave now. Then find a way to engage with her positively for at least a few minutes before moving on. The same principle holds for older kids. If they won’t take a timeout, you can. Withdraw, take a breath, and make a rational decision about appropriate consequences. Institute the consequence without drama and re-engage positively. (see here).

3. Be consistent. It’s the only way children know we mean what we say.

4. Repeat. Repeat until the child gets it. Repeat whenever misbehavior is more than a momentary lapse. Repeat more than you think should be necessary. Do it until it becomes a pattern of interaction in your family’s life.

It’s normal to need attention from others. In fact, it’s a fundamental human need. Kids who are secure in the knowledge that the adults in their lives are interested in them don’t need to act up — at least most of the time. (Everyone can have an off-day now and then.) By filling them up with love and attention and by consistently redirecting negative behaviors, we can help our children learn how to get and give the positive attention that is fundamental to healthy relationships. Not surprisingly, when we parents are so positively connected to our children, we benefit too.

According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, in the United States, 1.3 million women and 830,000 men are assaulted each year by people they believe love them. In a 2005 survey, the Centers for Disease Control found that 1 in 4 women and 1 in 9 men are victims of domestic violence at some point.

It goes on in teen couples as well as in adult relationships. One study found that 1 in 5 high school girls reported being physically or sexually abused by a dating partner. Another study of teen dating behavior found that 3 out of 5 teens say they’ve had a boyfriend or girlfriend who made them feel bad or embarrassed about themselves.

Victims often don’t complain. Their partners may have instilled such fear in them that they don’t dare say anything. Or, they have become so inured to the manipulation and violence that they don’t recognize they are victims. Sadly, it is often only when someone has become seriously hurt or has an emotional breakdown that friends, family members, or professionals even realize what is going on.

Things are getting better. Since the 1994 passage of the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA), there has been increased awareness of the problem. More proactive measures are being taken to identify and help victims. It’s now common for medical professionals to ask people if anyone is hurting them as part of a routine physical as well as when someone is injured. School counselors, nurses, and teachers are becoming educated to the signs that a child is being traumatized or hurt and are taking steps to intervene. Mental health counselors are more sensitive to the issue and more sophisticated in encouraging their patients to talk about what they’d rather not talk about.

But we have a long way to go. In this year’s proclamation, President Obama noted that

“[... t]he ramifications of domestic violence are staggering. Young women are among the most vulnerable, suffering the highest rates of intimate partner violence. Exposure to domestic violence puts our young men and women in danger of long-term physical, psychological, and emotional harm. Children who experience domestic violence are at a higher risk for failure in school, emotional disorders, and substance abuse, and are more likely to perpetuate the cycle of violence themselves later in life.”

Often the abuser doesn’t understand that his or her behavior is in fact abusive. Raised in a family where abuse was business as usual, they don’t recognize their manipulative or overt efforts to control others as abnormal. Not having been brought up in a loving and secure family, they don’t know how to be secure and comfortable in their partner’s love.

When things go well, all is well. But when angered or threatened by real or imagined slights, they lose it – just as they watched the adults of the previous generation lose it. Some are then remorseful and apologetic. They mean well. They want to do better than was done to them. But they can’t hold onto their good intentions when upset. Unfortunately, it doesn’t take much to upset them.

The Cycle of Violence

The victims are on the other side of this interaction. Sometimes the buildup of psychological and verbal abuse is subtle and gradual. Over time, the person they love undermines their self-esteem and makes them feel more and more dependent. The victim really doesn’t see it coming.

In other cases, the victim comes from a long history of childhood victimization. Like most people, she or he was drawn to the familiar when drawn to a mate. For them, being yelled at, put down, coerced into sex or taken advantage of is just more of the same.

This is what is meant by the “cycle of violence.” With somewhere between 3.3 and 10 million children witnessing some form of domestic violence every year, it’s understandable that many of those kids learn to accept abuse as normal.” The pattern of abuser/victim is thus bumped from generation to generation. Unless someone in the family gets angry enough or desperate enough to call in help, or unless someone outside the family intervenes, the behaviors continue to the detriment of the individuals involved and to society as a whole. Violence in families is linked to high rates of substance abuse and addictions, mental illness, suicides, and sexual acting out as well as criminal behaviors.

The cycle of violence can be stopped.

The cycle of violence can be stopped. Victims can be helped to find the strength to seek and accept protection, advice, and practical help from their local shelters and mental health clinics. Abusers can learn how to appropriately express anger and how to be loving partners by attending programs for partners against violence or therapy. Couples can learn how to be loving and supportive partners and parents through couples counseling and parent education classes. And children of abusive relationships can be healed when their parents get themselves and the children into treatment.

When domestic violence is known in an extended family or in a network of friends, there is no such thing as being an innocent bystander. To know about abuse and do nothing is to enable and support it. Family, friends, and professionals who are concerned about a family can and should help them face the issues and get the help they need.

Anyone can become a member of the purple ribbon campaign to help stop the cycle of family violence. To learn how to increase awareness in your community, contact the international organization by clicking here. Even wearing a purple ribbon or putting one on your car helps stop the silence that surrounds domestic violence and lends support to the millions of people who are grappling with the problem.

Resources

Victims who need help and support to stay safe can call the national Resource Center on Domestic Violence at 800-537-2238 or visit their website.

S.A.F.E. concentrates on domestic violence against straight men, gay men, and lesbians.

Related Articles on Psych Central

The Physical and Emotional Injuries of Domestic Violence

The Common Pattern of Domestic Violence

Why Women Stay with Controlling Men

Signs of a Controlling Guy

Overcoming Obsessive Love is for the obsessive lover and his or her partner.  Broken into five parts, the book devotes its focus to explaining obsessive love and showing how each partner plays a role in the unhealthy cycles typically found in these relationships.  Although the obsessive love relationship is complex, Belton and Bailey attempt to address the various factors that play a role for each partner.  The book also has extra pieces of information throughout each chapter to assist:

• Definitions of terms that are relative to the topic
• Tips and ideas to develop a healthier outlook on love
• Warnings that signal an unhealthy lover or relationship
• Case studies relative to the chapter discussion
• Facts and statistics

In addition, each chapter ends with key points for the reader to focus on.

The first part of the book focuses on defining obsessive love.  Belton and Bailey break down the obsessive love relationship, describing how it develops, why it might develop, and relating it to social norms.  They also break apart myths typically associated with obsessive relationships, such as “all obsessive love relationships include physical violence.”

The second and third parts of the book address the obsessive lover and the partner of the obsessive lover respectively.  Each part provides a questionnaire at the beginning to help determine if the reader fits the profile of one of these partners.  After describing the typical traits of these characters, Overcoming Obsessive Love dives deeply into the behaviors that are associated to the role in the relationship.  For the obsessive lover, this could be self-punishment, anger, self-recriminations, or dysfunction in every day, such as missing work to check on the whereabouts of their partner.  The partner, though, could be participating in behavior that is enabling or contributing to their obsessive lover.  If the partner is codependent, the obsessive love may be helping them fill a need to take care of someone else.  On the other hand, the partner could be sending mixed signals to their obsessive lover, such as setting a boundary with their partner but then not holding up to it.  The third part goes on to give suggestions on how to break off the relationship, manage finances, and handle the situation if there are children involved.

Part 4 is where the book begins to bring all of the initial information together to really assist a couple in breaking out of their cycle of obsessive love.  It begins by focusing on the self-image of the partners, encouraging each to look at them deeply and address the issues that are encouraging the unhealthy cycle.  Belton and Bailey include a questionnaire for each partner: for the obsessive lover, it focuses on the self-image; for the partner, it focuses on accessing their strengths and weaknesses.  The chapter encourages the partners that they have the power to change their self-image and includes strategies, such as visualization, to do this.  Therapy and counseling for the individuals and the couple as a whole is encouraged as well. 

The next two chapters are devoted to the individuals, providing information to the obsessive lover on how to break the cycle of obsessive behaviors and assisting the partner with setting boundaries and making changes.  The last chapter is the meat of this part of the book, though.  In it, there are self-help exercises for both partners to assist them in creating a new self-image and growing out of the cycle built into the relationship.  The partners are encouraged to use logs and journals of their behavior in order to identify patterns, use positive speak to combat the negative thoughts that have become habit forming, and to lean on friends and family for support.  The chapter also encourages affirmation.  “Affirmations can help you cope with negative thoughts and fears.  You can say them silently or aloud.  The more you repeat affirmations, the more you believe them.”

Finally, the book ends with a focus on what to do if the relationship becomes dangerous, either through stalking or abuse.  It provides information on how to protect yourself from stalking, what to do if you are being stalked (i.e. filing a police report), and how to use the law to protect yourself.  It addresses the various types of abuse a partner may experience and describes how each of these will affect the partner.

Overcoming Obsessive Love addresses many, if not all, of the key points within an obsessive love relationship.  Having experienced such a relationship, I wish that I had this book handy.  Although it may be considered heavy on the technical aspect of relationships, Belton and Bailey are sure to create a focus on the emotional load that comes with being in the cycle of obsessive love.  It is easy to appreciate the intricacies within the book because the obsessive love relationship is certainly one of great complexity.

However, readers may find that the final part, which addresses a relationship turned dangerous, may not be enough.  It seems that if the authors felt the need to address a dangerous relationship separately in its own part of the book, would it not warrant more focus than a mere 50 pages?  In addition, the rest of the book is strong in hitting the relationship from two sides, both technically and emotionally.  The final part of the book, though, focuses much more on what to do and less so on the emotional drain that this may have on the partner experiencing the danger.  The authors also fail to address adequately the emotional fallout after finally ending a dangerous relationship.  It seems that this neglect may leave the reader feeling let down and unsure of how to continue if they are in such a relationship.  They may be left wondering how to pick up the pieces once their life has been torn down so far.

Overall, though, Overcoming Obsessive Love is a great resource for both parties involved in an obsessive love relationship.  The book discusses the background necessary to understand what has led to the obsessive love and the roles that each partner plays.  Providing the couple techniques for addressing their needs and issues within the relationship gives them a strong point from which to start healing and correcting the obsessive love cycle.

The Essential Guide to Overcoming Obsessive Love
By Monique Belton, PhD and Eileen Bailey
Alpha: June 7, 2011
Paperback, 320 pages
$16.95

Right Here begins with a section on what to aim for in a relationship.  This first section contains five essays which all focus on one aspect of romanticism.  From opening your heart to falling in love, the first section of this book is just a primer; it gives us a glimpse of what we can expect in the future.

The second section of Right Here is called “Preparing the Ground.”  As the title implies, this section is about getting yourself ready for a relationship.  The main focus of this section is learning how to love yourself unconditionally.  Several of the contributors for this section provide meditation examples and exercises to help you get to know yourself.  The most basic of these exercises is to sit quietly with yourself and to really feel every emotion and thought that rushes over you.  I have done meditations similar to this, and I agree that it is the best way to get to know yourself.  You cannot spend quality time with anyone (not even yourself) if you are distracted.  This section also covers choosing a partner and even has an essay dedicated to the criteria that so many of us go by when choosing partners.

Section Three is called “Being in Relationship.”  This section covers dealing with the stress of marriage.  It also contains essays about being mindful of your partner.  One example of mindfulness given in one of the essays compares mindfulness in a relationship to the mindfulness of eating a baked potato.  You try to experience every flavor, but are overwhelmed by memories and emotions.  Eventually you lose track of where you began in the first place.  “If it’s this challenging to stay in touch with a baked potato,” Erik Hansen asks, “how much harder must it be to clearly perceive the person I love?”  Good question.

Erik illustrates his point further by giving an example of his wife.  One Sunday, she expects him to help her clean their basement.  After becoming frustrated that he is unable to read a book, he surrenders and helps his wife.  While he helps her, he begins to actually feel her presence.  She’s not just someone standing next to him anymore; she’s a living, breathing human being with her own life, her own goals, and her own will.  For once, he is truly aware of his wife.  Erik then clarifies that his wife in no way resembles a baked potato.

The remaining sections cover the hard parts of relationships: dealing with disagreements, the loss of love, and their ilk.

Throughout Right Here with You the focus remains on mindfulness.  I’m a practicing Buddhist, so this is not a new concept to me.  To people who know nothing about Buddhism, mindfulness may seem like just making sure you don’t hurt other people’s feelings.  It is, in fact, much more than that!  Mindfulness is not taking things for granted.  When you are mindful of your surroundings, you know that they are there; you experience them as they are.  In America today, we focus so much on the future that we lose sight of right now.  Mindfulness is about coming back to now.

I love how this book brings us back to our center.  The premise that to have a successful relationship with someone else, you must first have a successful relationship with yourself is an old one, but the premise is true.  In my experience, relationships fail because one of the partners in that relationship is trying to fill a void.  As a gay man who has tried to hide his sexuality by dating women, I think I stand as a perfect example.  Now that I’ve come to accept myself just as I am, I’m finally able to enjoy life.  Reading this book has helped pull me back to my center and, now, my relationships with my friends and family (I wish I could add “boyfriend” to that list) are much stronger.

If you’re stuck in a relationship that doesn’t seem to be going anywhere, or you’re tired of all the Christian rhetoric that fills many of the relationship advice books out there, I strongly recommend reading this book.  It will open you up to a world of new understanding.

Paperback: 288 pages
Publisher: Shambhala (August 9, 2011)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 1590309049
ISBN-13: 978-1590309049
Product Dimensions: 6 x 0.7 x 8.9 inches

“Being in love is an agreement — made consciously or unconsciously — to participate in the experience of personal growth and transformation,” according to Judy Ford, licensed clinical social worker and author of Every Day Love: The Delicate Art of Caring for Each Other. “When we are in love we are saying ‘yes’ to the process of becoming our best selves.”

Terri Orbuch, psychologist and author of 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great, believes that true love includes both the arousal-producing, can’t-stop-thinking-about-you passionate love and the supportive and emotionally intimate companionate love. She underscored that both do “wax and wane,” and may need work. In fact, a decline in excitement is “a typical progression or development of a long-term relationship,” she said. (Here’s Orbuch’s advice on reigniting the passion in a relationship.)

6 Signs of Love

Orbuch shared six signs that indicate a couple is in love. She said that a couple might have some or all of these signs. (In other words, if your partner isn’t much of a sharer, it doesn’t mean he’s not in love with you.)

1. Personal information. You reveal intimate information to your partner that you don’t tell others, and they do the same.

2. Mutuality. “You think of yourself as a couple rather than two separate entities or people,” Orbuch said. In other words, you think in “we” terms, not “I.” If someone asks what you’re doing this weekend, you consider your partner in your plans, and respond with something like “We’re not sure yet.”

3. Affection, caring and support. Do you both care if the other has a bad day? Do you automatically turn to your partner for support?

4. Interdependence. “You’re interdependent with each other socially, emotionally and financially,” Orbuch said. So whatever you do will affect your partner, and vice versa. If you’re offered a new job in a different city, the decision you make affects your partner.

5. Commitment. “You have a desire to have the relationship stay, endure and last,” Orbuch said.

6. Trust. Both partners are honest and have each other’s best interests at heart, she said.

Discussing Love with Your Partner

People have different ways they express their love. One of the ways you can develop or cultivate love, Orbuch said, is by talking with your partner about it. For instance, an important talk may be your views on commitment. Do you see monogamy as part of commitment? Do they?

Also, do you think of other love signs similarly? For instance, your partner might solely share his private information with you, whereas you tell your close friends everything. This may be upsetting to him, but it doesn’t mean you love him any less. Or your partner has a medical scare but never comes to you. You think this means he doesn’t truly trust or love you. However, his notion of love might mean working this out on his own and then coming to you.

Cultivating Love Every Day

Cultivating love is a lot easier when things are going your way. As Ford said, “It is easy to be loving when the setting is romantic, when you’ve got extra jingle in your pocket, when you’re looking good and feeling fine, but when one of you is out of sorts, exhausted, overwhelmed, and distracted, behaving lovingly requires conscious effort.”

True love shows up in the tougher moments. “It’s in those moments of restlessness and upheaval that you find out who you are and what it truly means to love each and every day,” Ford said.

Below, Ford offers several techniques for cultivating love daily.

• Do a self-inventory. Sometimes, love can bring out the worst in us, so the last thing we do is behave lovingly toward our partner. When that happens, “Reflect on the interaction between you and your sweetheart. Instead of reacting with a disapproving glance or attitude, reflect on how you might respond lovingly next time.”

• Work on yourself — not your partner. According to Ford, “We fall in love with a person who has the qualities that we would like to develop in ourselves.” But instead of developing those traits in ourselves, we “try to develop the other person’s potential.” She suggested not only focusing on yourself but also memorizing this two-pronged principle: “My sweetheart is not me [and] I can enjoy the differences.”
• View your relationship as a learning opportunity. “Approach your sweetheart as if you have everything to learn, as if you know nothing…. There is so much to learn about each other.”
• Speak highly of your partner. “Never make a mean-spirited comment (even in jest) about your partner, your children, your friends—even if they aren’t around.”
• Appreciate your partner every day. “It is easy to acknowledge a surprise grand gesture offered out of the blue, but much harder to appreciate ordinary behavior performed routinely in the midst of the daily grind. If you wait for your honey to do something special before showing appreciation, you’ll be missing a major opportunity to strengthen your connection and deepen your love,” Ford said.

Learn more about Judy Ford or Terri Obruch, and sign up for Terri’s newsletter here.