What follows is a brief tour through the world of marital sexuality with a focus on how to understand the issues and strategies to repair the damage.

Gender and Physiology

Men and women are different. While these differences get debated in some circles, when it comes to sex, they are real and very clear. Unfortunately many couples fail to reflect on these differences and integrate them into an understanding of how to be successful partners.

Start with arousal patterns. Men are quick to be aroused and relatively quick to achieve orgasm. The “spike” rises sharply and drops off just as sharply. Men are especially aroused visually; brain research documents this. So looking at other women, at magazines, videos, and online pornography play a much bigger role in the sexual life of men.

Women are aroused more slowly and after achieving orgasm, tend to remain at a high plateau of arousal before dropping off. These are very different physiological patterns. No wonder it is a challenge for couples to really experience mutual satisfaction. These differences must not be ignored; instead they must be incorporated into the lovemaking process.

The simplest way to do this is, regardless of who initiates the foreplay, is for men to focus on pleasuring their wives, bringing them to an initial orgasm before focus is given to bringing the male to orgasm. It is also critical for men to understand what will help their wives achieve orgasm. While clitoral stimulation is usually a key component, many women still “get off” on intercourse, especially if the angle is such that it also stimulates the clitoris or that clitoral stimulation is being done manually by either partner during intercourse.

It is also important to understand the psychological implications of the different genital anatomies. For men, sexual intercourse is an external act. This has evolutionary implications about the need for prehistoric men to “seed” many partners in order to insure survival of the species. It is part of what allows men to more easily separate sex from love. But, for a woman, to have intercourse means allowing a man to enter her body. That is a deeply personal act and men need to appreciate this. It is why women complain about the need for emotional intimacy before they can be sexually active. Combine this with the difference in arousal patterns and it becomes much easier to understand why it is so important for women to experience meaningful foreplay.

Yet there is a trap here for women that becomes a key issue for so many of the couples who come to see me. When couples are struggling, women insist on emotional safety and closeness in order to be actively sexual. That creates a prohibitive barrier to improving the marital relationship, since the lack of sex, especially for men, but a lot more for women than they recognize, is one of the central underlying problems in not resolving their issues. Women act as if sex is still a process of servicing men and often deny that they are sexual beings who need to be serviced at least as much if not more. While some female readers may be dismissing this because it is being written by a male author, this concept is a central theme in books written by some of the best known female professionals in marital work such as Betty Carter, Ellen Wachtel, and Susan Scantling.

Women need to have sex! For themselves! So it is important to overcome the excuse of emotional disconnection and have sex with your husbands as frequently as possible. It will allow BOTH partners to feel closer and create a more intimate context in which to resolve other issues. I am, of course, not suggesting that this can happen in relationships that are verbally and, especially, physically abusive.

Every couple has experience with friends.  In some cases, the couple’s mutual friends introduced them.  In other cases, the couple met another couple and became friends.  In all cases, there are friends that one partner likes and the other does not.  Two Plus Two examines these couple relationships in depth.  Drs. Greif and Deal note that it is important for the individual to have friends, but that it is also important for a couple to have friends.  Just as friends enrich our individual lives, friendships with other couples may enrich the lives of the two halves of the partnership.

Two Plus Two examines several real-life heterosexual couples ages 21 and up who have been committed for at least a year.  The study also included 58 people who had divorced.  The study found that people can be classified on a spectrum of how likely that person is to seek and make friends.  There are people who actively seek friendships and have many friends.  There are also people who have very few friends and are still happy.  Of course, there are also people everywhere in between.

In the context of a couple relationship (that is, two couples being friends), there will inevitably be the male half of one couple interacting with the female half of the other.  One would think that this often raises suspicions between the couples.  The opposite, however, is true.  Two Plus Two found that each member of a couple is completely trusting of the other member with the members of their couple friends.  There was very little, if any, sexual tension among the people involved.

I enjoyed reading Two Plus Two.  As I mentioned earlier, the authors made it easy for anyone to understand.  Also, even though the study focused on heterosexual couples, I can testify that the same rules and principles presented in the book apply to homosexual couples.  Overall, Two Plus Two is a refreshing look into what makes people tick.  Friendships help us to grow as individuals so that we may be good partners.  Couple relationships help our partnerships grow so they may become lifelong fulfillments of our deepest desires.

Without a doubt, I would recommend Two Plus Two to anyone looking to better understand themselves, their partner, or their relationships with other people.  It certainly helped me resolve some issues in my love life and aided me in concluding that my partner and I were simply incompatible on the most fundamental of levels—he wanted to actively seek out new friends, and I am perfectly happy having a few close friends.  Two Plus Two is absolutely a book that will teach you more about yourself and your partner than you probably cared to know.

Two Plus Two: Couples and Their Couple Friendships
By Geoffrey L. Greif and Kathleen Holtz Deal
Routledge: January 10, 2012
Paperback, 231 pages
$23.95

When Jason finally saw that he was actually hurting his son, he became motivated to improve their relationship and end this destructive cycle. He decided that when his son behaved this way toward him, he would make things better by ignoring how Dylan was acting, be nice and pretend everything was okay. However, even this seemed to backfire, making Dylan pull away more.

In therapy, Jason said one of Dylan’s complaints was that his dad was always too busy working and that he seemed to care more about “things” than about his son. When Dylan was excited and wanted his dad to watch him do an athletic trick in the house, Jason often was preoccupied with getting him to be cautious and warning him not to break anything. Jason failed to notice that Dylan wanted him to join him in his excitement and be proud of him.

In talking about the problem with his son, Jason remembered a grudge against his own dad: Jason’s father had not paid attention to him or talked with him, and failed to connect or show affection. As he talked about this, Jason spontaneously remembered that he too as a child gave his dad the silent treatment. He would keep it going as long as he could, hoping his dad would feel something and preparing what he would say when his dad would ask him what was wrong. But he never did.

As Jason thought about this, it suddenly occurred to him why ignoring Dylan made things escalate. He realized that maybe his son wasn’t just trying to punish him, though it felt that way, as it had when Jason’s dad had ignored him. Dylan needed Jason to feel something and show that he cared. Jason had needed the same from his dad. Dylan’s behavior was a desperate effort to communicate something that wasn’t getting through otherwise. By trying to make his dad feel rejected, Dylan wanted him to understand how Jason made him feel. Dylan hoped his dad would “get it” and respond by coming back to him.

Jason was uncomfortable being identified with his dad, and quickly pointed out that he spent more time with Dylan than his father did with him. Still, he saw that Dylan seemed to share some of the same feelings that Jason had toward his dad. Further, Jason could see that, similar to his own father, he too was unable to recognize and effectively respond to his son’s feelings, and easily retreated emotionally or became reactive.

Even when Jason recognized that he was reenacting what his dad did to him and hurting his son, he was at a loss for how to understand or respond in a helpful way when Dylan was upset. He never learned how to read and respond to his son’s feelings. Because of his own parents’ psychological limitations, the emotional capacities which form the basis of these skills were never developed during Jason’s childhood.

Empathic ability, or “mind reading,” is an aspect of brain development that occurs as parents are able to read their children’s reactions and respond emotionally in a way that helps kids regulate their emotional states. This process also involves the parent helping the child understand what is happening interpersonally and emotionally. The child digests and internalizes such experiences, building the capacity to make sense of themselves and relationships, and to manage emotions in interpersonal situations.

The McCarthys state their aim in the book’s introduction:

[This book] is designed to help people—especially married and serious couples—enhance sexual awareness, communication, feelings, and function… Our goal is to increase sexual awareness and acceptance, which lead to the new mantra for healthy couple sexuality: enhanced desire, pleasure, eroticism, and satisfaction.

The McCarthys, though, are quick to caution that the book “is not do-it-yourself sex therapy” and “is not a substitute for therapy.”

What the book offers, however, are techniques, exercises and information that can aid “healthy couple sexuality.” Nothing is meant to be a panacea. The book can help fix myriad problems, but if there is true psychological unrest at the root of the couple’s struggle, then actual couples therapy might be the prudent approach. That said, for more acute problems, as well as for enhancing a sexual relationship, Sexual Awareness is a golden resource.

A nice update that clearly was possible in the book’s original publication are the topic of sex addiction and Internet pornography. The McCarthys write:

It is crucial to recognize that a minority of men (fewer than one in five) do misuse porn in a manner that subverts healthy sexuality for themselves and their intimate relationship. In that situation, the compulsive, addictive use of Internet porn must be confronted and changed because it is destructive for both individual and couple sexuality.

One of the key problems the McCarthys point to is that when most men masturbate they are orgasm-driven. That is, they do not take in the whole experience, so to speak. It is a mindless act used as a means to an end. Not only is this mindset unhealthy, but it can also lead to “goal-oriented sex performance.” As the McCarthys point out, sex between a couple should not necessarily be about reaching orgasm; there should not necessarily be an established goal.

Couples, instead, need to be, to use the book’s term, aware of what is occurring. There needs to be a greater degree of mindfulness during sex. The McCarthys write: “So much sexual activity is goal-oriented and intercourse-oriented that sensual and sexual awareness is inhibited by the rush to intercourse and orgasm.” They continue: “Intercourse is not the only means of sexual expression, nor does sex equal intercourse.”

A reoccurring theme in Sexual Awareness is that what is right for one person is not necessarily right for another. And by extension, what is right for one couple is not necessarily right for another. In a healthy sexual relationship, the partners must work together. Not only must there be open lines of communication, but there must also be a willingness to err.

“There is a romantic myth that if you are in love and communicate, sex always works well,” the McCarthys write. This, however, is not the case. “There are loving couples who communicate feelings and work together in parenting yet are unable to transfer this caring and sharing to sexual function. Communication is necessary but not sufficient. To overcome sexual problems, you need to learn and practice sexual communication and psychosexual skills.”

These skills can be learned through the techniques and exercises the McCarthys offer throughout the book. Naturally, by experimenting with these exercises, couples can begin to develop heightened sexual awareness and intimacy.

Whether it is explaining the importance of “afterplay,” or detailing the intercourse traps couples can fall into, the McCarthys continually submit comforting, reassuring wisdom: no person or couple is in this alone. Through open communication, as well as an open mind, couples can make sex work for them. Yes, some problems are bigger than others, but, as some might say, where there’s a will, there’s a way.

Sexual Awareness: Your Guide to Healthy Couple Sexuality
By Barry McCarthy and Emily McCarthy
Routledge (5th edition): March 19, 2012
Paperback, 263 pages
$19.95

“Why can’t I get anything done?” she asked. “Other moms seem to have a clean house, serve good meals every night, and still find time to be on the preschool’s board of directors. It’s all I can do to throw stuff in baskets, make mac and cheese or hotdogs for dinner and get through the day. What’s their magic? I want to know.”

So do I. I certainly have felt that way. I imagine most moms, regardless of whether they work outside the home, have felt that way as well. To read the various ladies’ magazines you find at the grocery checkout counter, most women spend their time rearranging closets, crafting up a storm, and trying out four new recipes using the fruit of the month. The result? Many of us are in danger of developing a major inferiority complex.

Here’s what’s real. Once there are kids in the equation, it’s really hard to get anything on our internal to-do list done and still be the kind of parent we’d all like to be. Often it comes down to a choice of spending time being a parent or spending the time on chores or our own interests. My vote is for the parenting. Kids are kids for only a short time. Our job is to give them the time and loving attention they need to become independent, thoughtful, and competent. That often means hitting the “reset” button on what were pre-kid priorities.

4 Ways to Put Parenting First

1. Let go of “House Beautiful.”It’s wonderful to have a home that looks like an interior decorator has been there recently, but not at the expense of making your home uncomfortable to live in.Plastic on the sofa and insistence that everything personal should be stowed away may make things pleasing to strangers’ eyes, but it makes a home uncomfortably formal for those who live there. Home needs to be a place where people can feel like they’re at home. Kids need places where they can build a fort with the sofa cushions, use all the blocks for an elaborate roadway, or roll on the floor without fearing they’ll break something.
2. Reset your cleanliness standards. Decide what it means to have a clean-enough house. My mother would proudly say her floors were clean enough to eat off. They were. But I never saw anyone empty their plate onto the floor and dine down there. Rather than obsess about whether dust kittens have taken up residence behind the couch, take that time after dinner to coach a kid through homework, read a story to a toddler, or get into the kids’ world of imagination with the dollhouse or trucks. It’s better for everyone’s mental health to have a C+ in housekeeping and an A+ in family togetherness than the other way around.
3. Shorten that to-do list.Pare it down to what you think you absolutely have to do, then cross off at least half. Raising happy, emotionally healthy kids requires us to be flexible. Kids, being kids, will need you for things that are far more important to them than whatever is on your agenda.

   Having mom or dad attend to a bruised finger, having a parent available to listen to a complaint or help solve a problem, or getting to a playdate when everyone else does matters more to them (and to you) than getting to the cleaners, shopping a sale, checking your email or having a long talk on the phone with your best friend. Save those things for times when the kids are busy doing something else like playing at a friend’s house or sleeping.When kids are awake and active, it’s guaranteed that something will come up that will require adults to reshuffle whatever it was they thought would get done that day. Instead of resenting it, get into it.

4. Involve the kids in the must-do’s. There’s no getting around it. The laundry does have to get done. The yard does have to be raked. The car needs to be inspected. The bills need to be paid. Sometimes adults just have to do adult things. But more often than not, there are ways to use these chores as teaching opportunities that can even be fun (or at least not terrible). Kids want to copy us. Little ones will pretend a banana is a phone, will make a stick into a pretend mop or will walk around in their parents’ shoes in their efforts to be big like us.

   Whenever possible, include them in the chores or give them a way to imitate what you’re doing that is engaging for them and gives you a minute to get something accomplished.Kids need parental time. Think about how many times a day young kids say, “Look at me!” “Mom, watch this.” “Dad, come here!” They look to us for approval, for guidance, for affirmation that they, and their actions, are important. Our job is to fill them up with love and lessons for life. We can’t do that if we’re too busy cleaning the house, running errands, doing chores or spending time on the computer.

   If the choice is to manicure the lawn or to get everyone to sort of clean up the yard so you can go for a family hike, hand out some rakes and be satisfied with making the effort. The lawn may not be as perfect as when you do it yourself, but the kids will have the pride that comes with working alongside Mom and Dad and you’ll all reap the reward of a family outing. If the choice is to reorganize the closets or go to your kids’ soccer game, go to the game. 20 years from now, they won’t remember the state-of-the-art closets, but they will remember that you were on the sidelines cheering them on.

Why is it that we don’t act to change patterns, even when we promise to do so and it is obviously in our best interest? A good example of this seemingly illogical phenomenon comes from therapy. We invest time and money in counseling but then, even when we agree with the given recommendations or homework assignments, neglect to follow through.

Often it takes repeated failures for us to figure out that something is awry and more is needed than willpower or good intentions. In many situations, we never even question whether the person we are trying to help is actually on board as a true ally in the work, though this is often the key issue.

Michael’s therapist had been seeing him and his wife in marital therapy. When they met privately, it became clear that he had again failed to follow through on homework that he had agreed would help improve his marriage. This was curious, given his motivation and genuine desire to be closer with his wife. His progress had not been a problem before, particularly because his wife had been very rejecting and critical of him for years. She was the one who needed to change first in order for the marriage to go forward. She had since worked hard to make those changes and was, in fact, sustaining the relationship. But now Michael was causing a stalemate.

Michael explained that he was “forgetting” to do the assignments. Though at first this sounded like an excuse, it actually was not implausible — Michael was somewhat forgetful in general. Further, given his limited experience and lack of comfort with emotional expression and connection, the changes he needed to make were not natural to him and required conscious thought and effort. However, this is true with most change.

In this case, Michael was asked to state aloud to his wife positive feelings about what she was saying, doing, or how she looked. This assignment required him to notice and make explicit his own feelings and feelings about her. Though he could retrospectively report having positive feelings toward her at various times throughout the week, these internal experiences were often not “on his radar screen” or easy to make explicit.

Making a Commitment to Change

Michael was a highly successful entrepreneur and a man of integrity. To have reached such a prominent position in his career, he must have figured out how to remember and follow through on difficult matters. But why couldn’t he do the same in his private life?

Michael had a ready answer to this question, and knowingly described how he did it. The most important part was that he would make a firm commitment, and then later remind himself explicitly by thinking about it and planning the details. Once he did that, success in following through was guaranteed.

Michael’s resistance to change — which took the form of a lack of commitment to his therapy assignments — was surprising, and had been well hidden. He did not seem to be struggling with anger or resentment, the most common reasons for couples’ underlying resistance. Anger and resentment often express themselves as resistance to moving forward through passive-aggressive acting out. Then, disowned anger or resentment spills out unconsciously and symptoms such as “forgetting” occur. However, Michael did not seem to be harboring resentment or acting out. He also seemed fully engaged and motivated in the treatment.

As sessions probed Michael’s failure to commit to therapy and the work required to improve his marriage, he talked about feeling hopeless that his marriage would work out in the end. He feared that it would not and seemed to be preparing himself for the inevitable. Believing that his actions would not have an effect on the marriage was a familiar feeling for Michael. A central dynamic in his relationship with his wife was that he felt invisible, dismissed, and devalued. This dynamic accumulated, leading him to feel defeated and give up (though this was unconscious), despite his wife having made changes.

The graveside service took place in a beautiful cemetery on an unusually gorgeous early fall day, with a pure blue sky and a blazing sun that brought the temperature to at least 80 degrees. As family members eulogized their departed husband/father/grandfather/brother, I was struck by certain consistent themes. Though he died young, he lived a very full life because of the values he lived by. While he was a very accomplished engineer, no one spoke of those accomplishments. Everyone talked about his love for family and the way that love was expressed.

Every Friday evening, over many years, he and his wife gathered their children, other relatives, and, later, their sons-in-law and, even later, their grandchildren, for a Shabbat dinner (a celebration of the beginning of Shabbat, or the Sabbath, which, for Jews, is a day of rest and spiritual rejuvenation, the seventh day). As I listened to this family’s commitment to gathering every Friday evening, which was more about family values than religious ones, I struggled to imagine how they could have done that. I thought about how Friday nights, in our family, especially as the children got older, generally consisted of people doing their own things with friends or sports. What had this family sacrificed to maintain such a strong and consistent tradition of being together, I wondered?

But clearly it was not a sacrifice. It was, instead, the cornerstone of a bond that tied this family together in a very strong way and gave a clear message to everyone about what was really important in life. It underscored what I have often said to parents about the importance of having family traditions that become the ties that bind.

As I listened to the eulogies, I could hear how all those around this very special man had been deeply touched by him and how those values had been passed on to all who joined this family over the years, even the grandchildren, who, while young, each contributed their thoughts, previously dictated to their parents, of special memories about their grandfather. We should all be so lucky to have enriched the lives of those close to us the way this man had. Even though I feel I was (and remain) a very good father, it made me think about what else I could have done that would have similarly benefited those close to me. I know now I could have done more.

It wasn’t just Shabbat dinners. This large, extended family did a lot together. There was much humor expressed in the eulogies about how they would take over restaurants or a large area of the beach. There was a lot of humor about meal planning. This was definitely a family that liked to eat together! The humor also struck me. I believe any time that whenever a funeral service is filled with humorous stories it reflects a warmth and a richness of lives shared.

The service was presided over by a cousin who, in trying to capture another aspect of what made this man so special, quoted from the Scriptures a phrase that is so important for all of us to reflect on. “Who is rich? One who is happy with his portion…” I am very happy with “my portion.” I am lucky in that way. This mostly comes from having grown up with very little and having learned to appreciate everything that I have been able to experience in what, for me, eventually has become a very rich and full life.

While I stood there, in the warmth of the sun and the radiating warmth of genuine love for a lost loved one, I reflected on stories from many of my patients who repeatedly say to me, “I seem to have such a good life. Why am I so unhappy?” Even more so, I thought about the many couples who sit across from me and insist there just isn’t enough time to spend with each other. I thought about the world we live in. There is so much focus on wealth and power and achievement, which creates the context for so much personal unhappiness, because all too often it misses what really matters in life, the personal welfare and the relationships of society’s members. We have become increasingly isolated, as individuals and families, in recent decades. This man’s life tells us why it is so important to make the sacrifices necessary to have meaningful relationships in your life – a partner, children, good friends.

I also realized as I listened that death has played an important role in teaching me to focus on the daily, often simple, joys in life. My father died when I was just a senior in college. That experience taught me that life can be unexpectedly short. Of course, since it was my father, it also made me anxious about my own longevity, which only further underscored the importance of not putting off time to enjoy life and time to enjoy those who are special to you. This message was even more powerfully brought home to me by another death. Though it was only a friend, it hit me at a very significant stage of my own life and in a way that made the message undeniably clear.

A week after my 30th birthday, the wife of our closest friends died suddenly from an aneurysm. It was an incredibly painful experience. The husband spoke to me about his new responsibility as a single father. He had been working long hours to be the best possible provider he could be, but that meant long days and limited time for his wife and child. Now he made the decision that he would work fewer hours and spend as much quality time with his daughter as possible. A little late for his relationship with his wife (and for him), but very important for his relationship with his daughter (and, again, for him).

The irony of this was that years later he was able to say he was actually making more money because he learned to be more selective about his clients and not just try to serve anyone who came to him. He had always believed that in order to be the best possible provider he had to accept every possible opportunity to add business, never being selective, always afraid he wouldn’t make enough. It’s amazing how many men, and, increasingly, women, make this same mistake. Then wonder why they are stressed out and unhappy.

I learned a lot from this experience. Within three years, I made a significant career move that allowed me much more time to spend with my family. I might have achieved greater fame and fortune if I had stayed on my fast-paced rise in my field but I would never have the wonderful memories that I now have about all those years while my children were growing up. Nor would I have likely had the opportunity to have surrounded myself with a wonderful group of colleagues who have been an important part of my life for many years.

So death has taught me a lot about how to get the most out of my life. It has served to underscore my strong belief that having a good life is not about getting top grades, getting into the best college, making lots of money, or having a big home – in the end, a good life is about the quality of the relationships we have had with the people who are closest to us on our journey.

I hope those of you who are reading this can become “happy with your portion” without necessarily losing a loved one in order to learn that lesson.

Wives and husbands are pleading that they are so overwhelmed with the demands of work and children that they simply can’t create any space to share intimate moments with their partner. The result is often an increasing sense of disconnection that gets expressed as problems with communication, disagreements over finances, parenting conflicts, or insufficient sex.

But the latter are typically symptoms, not causes.

By improving the sense of connection, feelings of trust and mutual respect typically increase. Once those cornerstones are in place, it’s remarkable how much easier it becomes to resolve conflicts of any nature. In Wallerstein and Blakeslee’s wonderful book, “The Good Marriage” (1995), they note “For everyone [in their research group], happiness in a marriage meant feeling respected and cherished.” Gets right to the heart of the matter (pun intended)!

In trying to help couples reverse this downward spiral, I start by reminding them that if they constantly put their marriage at the end of their “To Do” lists, assuming that there will always be another day to attend to their spouses’ needs, one day they will be shocked to discover that there are no more days.

One of them will be saying “I don’t love you anymore and I want out.” This means that couples must truly make their marriage a priority, not simply in words or feelings, but in deeds. In today’s world of PDAs, Blackberrys, and other forms of keeping schedules, this means actually scheduling time for the marriage rather than expecting time shared will just happen.

My second key point, for couples who have children, is that the most important gift they can give their children is a healthy marriage. When marriages are working well, families function better. Children will not only find that their lives run more smoothly because their parents are in sync but research shows they will have fewer medical problems, presumably because there is less chronic stress in the home. An added benefit is that a good marriage models for children what they need to learn for the day when they are married.

Since a healthy marriage is such an important gift for your children, parents need to feel comfortable with the idea of taking some of the excess time currently devoted to parenting and investing it in the marriage. (“Excess time” is the fallout from parents trying too hard to create “perfect children” when children really need only “good enough” parenting, an issue covered in many of my previous articles.)

With these key points in mind, let us look at some strategies to create a more intimate and rewarding marriage:

Try to follow this prescription:

• Schedule 15-20 minutes of uninterrupted conversation each day
• Schedule at least one long conversation (1 to 1 1/2 hrs.) each week
• Schedule at least one overnight just for yourselves every 2 months
• Schedule at least two weekends just for yourselves each year

This may take some creativity. It also takes a mutual commitment. But the payoff is enormous.

To make the daily/weekly conversations happen requires some joint planning time. Get out your calendars, look at the week ahead and figure out when you can make time for each other. Don’t limit yourselves to evenings (usually the worst times for parents to try and talk without interruption or, worse, just when you are starting to crash). Depending upon ages of children and job demands, some couples are able to arrange breakfast alone for daily conversations or a lunch as a chance for a long conversation.

So what is it? My definition is someone who has lost the connection to his or her core self, so that his or her thinking and behavior revolves around someone or something external, including a person, a substance, or an activity, such as sex or gambling.

It’s as if codependents are turned inside out. Instead of self-esteem, they have other esteem, based upon what others think and feel. Instead of meeting their own needs, they meet the needs of others, and instead of responding to their own thoughts and feelings, they react to those of others. It’s a haywire system, because they have to control others to feel okay, but that just makes matters worse and leads to conflict and pain. It also makes emotional intimacy difficult.

Some people criticize the codependency movement and say that it’s created more loneliness. They argue that relationships are nurturing and that we’re naturally meant to be dependent. I couldn’t agree more. The point is that codependent relationships are not only painful, but can be unsupportive and destructive. Codependents have problems receiving the good stuff that relationships can potentially offer.

Codependency for Dummies goes into great detail about the difference between codependent and healthy, interdependent relationships, between healthy caregiving and codependent care-taking, and understanding the boundaries between responsibility for yourself and responsibility to others, something that eludes codependents.

Not all codependents are caretakers, but if you are one, you have a hard time listening to other people’s problems without trying to help. Sometimes you even feel responsible and guilty for their feelings. This creates high reactivity for couples who constantly are blaming each other for their own feelings and defending themselves when their partner shares his or her feelings.

What’s missing is a sense of separateness between them known as emotional boundaries. Boundaries simply mean that your thoughts and feelings belong to you. I’m not responsible for them; I didn’t make you feel them. For real intimacy to happen, you need to have a sense of separate identity and feel safe enough to express your feelings without being afraid of criticism or rejection.

This is where the codependent core issue of low self-esteem comes in. With a fragile self, codependents are afraid of rejection and abandonment, but on the flip side, they fear losing themselves when they get attached in a relationship. They tend to give up their needs to accommodate their partner, sometimes letting go of outside friends and activities they used to enjoy, and even when the relationship isn’t working, they are stuck like glue. So many codependents aren’t even in relationships, contrary to common belief, because they’re afraid of losing their independence, which you don’t really lose in a healthy interdependent relationship.

Many codependents have to dance a tightrope of pursuing partners, but never really catching them, or distancing themselves, but never really leaving. It’s a two-step that’s even done in marriages, but creates constant pain in the relationship. Fleeting moments of closeness are just enough to keep the dance going, unless the partners give up on intimacy entirely.

Communication is another area where dependents have a dilemma. They can’t say “No” without feeling guilty, and are resentful when they say “Yes” to things they would rather not do. This is because they avoid taking positions at all costs, due to their fear of rejection. Like clever politicians, they don’t want to say anything that might upset someone else.

The book goes into detail about how to improve your communication. You’ll learn how to be assertive, how to set boundaries, and how to handle verbal abuse. You can practice saying no on your own. Codependents are always explaining and justifying themselves. Remember, “No” is a complete sentence.

Codependents spend far too much of their precious lives worrying about things and people over which they have no control. Healing from codependency starts with getting to know yourself better, honoring yourself, and expressing yourself. Start doing things that make you happy, rather than deferring to others or waiting for someone else to make you happy. Building a relationship with yourself leaves you no time to worry about someone over whom you have no control, anyway. You might think this is selfish, but when you love yourself, you radiate love that’s healing to be around. It overflows onto everyone you interact with.

Once hooked, however, you have to contend with narcissists’ demands, criticisms and self-centeredness. Perhaps you were embarrassed when your mate cut in front of the line or shuddered at the dismissive way he or she treated a waitress. Interpersonal relationships revolve around them. You’re expected to meet their needs when needed, and are dismissed when not.

What it’s Like to Love a Narcissist

In the beginning, you were delighted to be in the narcissist’s aura. Now you’re tense and drained from unpredictable tantrums, attacks, and unjustified indignation at imaginary slights. You begin to doubt yourself, worry what he or she will think, and become as preoccupied with the narcissist as he or she is with him or herself.

After a while, you start to lose self-confidence. Your self-esteem may have been intact when you met, but your partner finds you coming up short and doesn’t fail to point it out. Most narcissists are perfectionists. Nothing you or others do is right or appreciated. Talking about your disappointment or hurt gets turned into your fault or another opportunity to put you down. They can dish it, but not take it, being highly sensitive to any perceived judgment.

Narcissists have no boundaries. They see you as an extension of themselves, requiring you to be on call to meet their needs regardless of your own. You might get caught up in trying to please them. This is like trying to fill a bottomless pit. Their needs, whether for admiration, service, love, or purchases, are endless. You might go out of your way to fill their request only to have your efforts devalued because you didn’t read their mind. They expect you to know without having to ask. You end up in a double-bind – damned if you displease them and damned when you do.

Narcissists don’t like to hear “No.” Boundary-setting threatens them. They’ll manipulate to get their way and make sure you feel guilty if you’re bold enough to risk turning them down. You become afraid that if you don’t please them, you risk an onslaught of blame and punishment, withheld love, and a ruptured relationship. This is all too possible, because the narcissist’s relationship is with him- or herself. You just have to fit in. Nevertheless, you stay in the relationship, because periodically the charm, excitement, and loving gestures that first enchanted you return.

Do Narcissists Love?

In public, narcissists switch on the charm that first drew you in. People gravitate toward them and are enlivened by their energy. You’re proud to bask in their glow.

But at home, they’re totally different. They may privately denigrate the person they were just entertaining. You begin to wonder if they have an outward “as if” personality. Maybe you’re reassured of their love when they bestow complimentary and caring words and gestures, are madly possessive, or buy you expensive gifts, then doubt their sincerity and question whether they’re being manipulative or saying what’s appropriate.

Sometimes, you might think they love only themselves. That’s a common misconception. Actually, narcissists dislike themselves immensely. Their inflated self-flattery, perfectionism, and arrogance are merely covers for the self-loathing they don’t admit – usually even to themselves. Instead, it’s projected outward in their disdain for and criticism of others. This is why they don’t want to look at themselves. They’re too afraid, because they believe that the truth would be devastating. Narcissists don’t have much of a Self at all. Emotionally, they’re dead inside. (See Self-Love.)

Early Beginnings

It’s hard to be empathic with narcissists, but they didn’t choose to be that way. Their natural development was arrested as a toddler due to faulty early parenting, usually by a mother who didn’t provide sufficient nurturing and opportunity for idealization. They’re left with an unrealistic view of themselves, and at times make you experience what it was like having had to feed the needs of a cold, invasive, or unavailable narcissistic parent. Anne Rice’s vampire Lestat had such an emotionally empty mother, who devotedly bonded with him to survive.

The deprivation of real nurturing and lack of boundaries make narcissists dependent on others to feed their insatiable need for validation. Like the mythological Narcissus, they don’t know themselves, but only can love themselves as a reflection in the eyes of others. Poor Narcissus. The gods sentenced him to a life without human love. He fell in love with his reflection by a pool, and died by the water, hungering for a response from his reflection.

Diagnosis

All personality traits, including narcissism, exist on a continuum from mild to severe. Narcissism ranges from self-centeredness and some narcissistic traits to Narcissistic Personality Disorder (“NPD”). NPD wasn’t categorized as a disorder by the American Psychiatric Association until 1987, because it was felt that too many people shared some of the traits and it was difficult to diagnose. The summarized diagnosis is controversial and undergoing further change.

Someone with NPD is grandiose (sometimes only in fantasy), lacks empathy, and needs admiration from others, as indicated by five of these characteristics:

1. A grandiose sense of self-importance; exaggerates achievements and talents
2. Dreams of unlimited power, success, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
3. Lacks empathy for the feelings and needs of others
4. Requires excessive admiration
5. Believes he or she is special and unique, and can only be understood by, or should associate with other special or of high-status people (or institutions)
6. Unreasonably expects special, favorable treatment or compliance with his or her wishes
7. Exploits and takes advantage of others to achieve personal ends
8. Envies others or believes they’re envious of him or her
9. Has “an attitude” of arrogance or acts that way

Of all the narcissists, beware of malignant narcissists, who are the most pernicious, hostile, and destructive. They take traits 6 and 7 to an extreme, and are vindictive and malicious. Avoid them before they destroy you.

Codependency

People with codependence lack a core Self, and define themselves based on others. This is true for all narcissists, whose Self is so weak and insecure they need constant validation. Stereotypically, they’re not interested in taking care of others – but some narcissists are caretakers. Some narcissistic men do this with money, because it boosts their self-esteem.

When two narcissists get together, they’re miserable needing each other, yet fighting over whose needs come first and pushing away. On the other hand, it can be a perfect fit, albeit painful, for ordinary codependents, because their low self-esteem is boosted by the narcissist’s attributes and aura of success. It also allows them to tolerate the narcissist’s emotional abuse. They feel needless and guilty asserting their needs and caring for a narcissist makes them feel valued. Because they feel undeserving of receiving love, they don’t expect to be loved for who they are – only for what they give or do.

Treatment

Narcissists don’t usually seek help unless a major loss shatters their illusions. But both narcissism and codependency can be healed with courage, time, and a commitment to yourself. Recovery entails improving boundaries and self-acceptance based upon real self-knowledge. Psychotherapy and joining a 12-Step program are beneficial ways to start.

This second article on the topic is in response to questions sent in by parents. Please note that this article does not focus on children with special emotional or neurological problems which would likely require additional strategies.

A key to a successful outcome to discipline is to recognize that there are viable options that will work if parents are persistent in applying consequences. Another key is that consequences need to be brief and repeated often rather than the one big punishment that is supposed to fix everything, for example, taking away something one night/day as opposed to several days. Frustrated parents being overly punitive typically results in a lack of follow-through as well as the child losing any connection to the original unacceptable behavior. By the time parents seek professional assistance, they nearly always are describing themselves as inconsistent, which ensures that the child’s behavior will not improve. It is amazing how quickly very young children learn that they can wear their parents down and get their way. Once that lesson is learned, it is very hard to teach them to change and actually respect the parents’ rules.

Time out is one of the most common strategies used with preschoolers. Many readers posed questions about using time out in certain situations where it is difficult to apply or the child is defiant. For example, one parent asked, “What do you do when a child is acting up in the car?”

First, do not try to discipline children while driving. It’s dangerous. You also need to examine the problem and decide what is really needed here. For example, if you are trying to talk on the phone, something strongly advised against in general, but especially when you have children in the car, the screaming child or fighting children in the back may really be seeking attention. Or, the noise is actually not that bad if you’re not trying to talk on the phone. So sometimes it’s best to realize this is not a good time to talk and refocus on driving and interacting with your child.

But if the child is really creating a problem, such as climbing out of the car seat (amazing how quickly some children learn to do this), the best thing to do is to pull over and stop the car. Children are usually surprised when you do this. If you were headed somewhere that the child was looking forward to going, give one warning that the next time you have to stop, you are heading back home. Too often parents feel obliged to carry out a commitment to the child regardless of his behavior. This conveys the wrong message. So even if it means missing a birthday party, a soccer practice, or a play date, go back home if the child is acting inappropriately. Unless you place a higher value on reasonable behavior, why should the child do so?

It is more of a challenge if it’s an errand that you must complete, e.g., picking up another child or getting something for dinner. In this case you explain that the child is going to be punished when you get home. Often it will be a loss of a privilege, such as watching a video or TV show that is a pre-dinner favorite or it may be loss of the parent reading a bedtime story that evening. It may not make the rest of that trip any more pleasant, or even the next several trips, but if you consistently remember to follow through when you get home, the child will begin to take you seriously and the behavior will improve with your warning.

Another parent raised the problem of a 4-year-old brother constantly being mean or overly aggressive with his 2-year-old sister. She stated that she has tried sending him to his room and other consequences but nothing is working. Of course, you are always faced with the challenge of sorting out who is really the culprit here. Often the younger sibling has quickly learned that to annoy the older sibling to the point of being mean will get the older sib punished. So unless you have seen that this is really the older sibling acting inappropriately, it is best to send both children to their rooms and not listen to stories about who did what to whom.

We grow up with stories and images that lead us to believe once we find our prince or princess, all will be well. While many of us have life experiences that lead us to believe otherwise, there are those who still hold on to some relationship myths. “Happily ever after” is possible if we understand it means there will be some bumps along the way.

Myth 1: Intimacy is not Required

I was talking with some friends the other day and was astonished when one of my married friends stated that she and her husband were no longer intimate and had not been for years. This started an interesting discussion and sparked the question “is intimacy required for a happy relationship?”

Research shows that intimacy is important. Although it may decrease in frequency over time, couples who are intimate usually are happier. It is important to note that intimacy does not necessarily mean intercourse. Intimacy can include touching, kissing, holding hands, or any other displays of affection that leave a couple feeling close to each other.

Myth 2 – There is no “Cure-All” to Relationship Issues

Many self-help books, articles, seminars and retreats offer ways to fix your relationship. While they all offer good advice, all relationships exist between individuals. You should therefore receive individualized advice as to how to make your relationship work. Couples have to be willing to continue to work and find what works for them.

Myth 3: “It Will Get Better after My Partner Changes”

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard variations of this one. I’ve heard “it’ll get better after we’re married” and “things will change once we are exclusive” and perhaps my favorite, “when (he or she) realizes how much I love (him or her), (he or she) will be better.”

The harsh reality is that if you don’t like things about your partner now, they are not very likely to change. Sure, if they put toilet paper on the roll in the opposite direction than you prefer, you may be able to negotiate. However, if there is a major character flaw or negative behavior that has been present for a while, it’s not likely to change.

Myth 4: We Have to Like All the Same Things

This myth makes me laugh. Imagine you had someone who liked everything you liked. Your partner wants to watch everything you watch, go everywhere you like, and orders the same food you order every time you go out to eat. This may seem cute at first, but may also get a little annoying over time. While similar interests are good, separate interests allow the couple to remain a couple, but have individuality at the same time.

It is also unwise to fake an interest for your partner. If your partner loves the opera and you think it’s awful, it’s OK. Faking interest often leads to resentment and anger.

Myth 5: “If We’re Really in Love, We Will Never Argue”

When working with couples, I tell them it’s natural to disagree. Sometimes disagreements may even lead to arguments. It’s important to remember that it’s not always if you argue, but how you argue. If disagreements are discussed in a respectful manner and conducted with good communication, they can be a platform to learn more about your partner. During an argument you may discover a new perspective regarding your partner’s feelings and may find better ways to communicate.

Even if you haven’t shared a home, you may not be prepared for the new challenges of matrimony. “These days, many couples wait a substantial amount of time before they actually get married, so the typical triggers of the redefinition of the relationship are simply there in the shadows, waiting to spring,” said psychotherapist and author Jeffrey Sumber, MA.

Why does marriage change a relationship? According to Blum, there are two reasons. For starters, being married feels different internally for couples. Secondly, people, including family and friends, treat you differently and perceive you as a unit.

According to Sumber, some partners might even panic the first year after realizing that “this is now our life together so we might as well get comfortable.” This “may even lead to a power struggle to make sure our own preferences and wants are met early on and thus create a trend into the future.”

Below, Blum and Sumber share their solutions for the most common challenges newlyweds face, along with general tips for a happy and healthy marriage.

Marriage Challenges & Solutions

Challenge: Becoming a unit. Once you’re married, you become a unit legally, socially and religiously, Blum said. As you navigate becoming a unit, differences are naturally magnified. Take the example of differing political affiliations. When you get married, you might wonder what your political commitment will be as a couple and where you’ll donate your money, Blum said.

The same questions surface surrounding finances – how do we spend our money? – and cultural and religious practices, she said. Even celebrating birthdays differently can become a big issue.

Families tend to be more tolerant of unmarried partners having separate plans – even if they live together, she said. But once you’re married, there’s more pressure to attend events jointly.

Solution: Unmarried couples also tend to have greater acceptance of doing things separately and differently, Blum said. But once the papers are signed, there’s the implicit expectation that you’ll do things one way, she said. “I don’t think that needs to be the case.”

Instead, when brainstorming solutions, step back and discuss whether you’re OK with doing activities separately, she said. Can you find a solution that lets each of you do what you love while letting the other in? As Blum said, “Rather than an ‘either or’ solution, could it be a ‘both and’?”

One couple Blum knows attends their own church twice a month and goes to the same services once a month. She’s also seen other couples alternate years for the holidays.

Again, the key is to avoid the assumption that there’s one right way – even if it looks very different from how your family of origin does things, Blum said.

Challenge: Decreased intimacy. Even within months of the honeymoon, some couples see their sex life change dramatically, Sumber said.

Solution: “It is essential that couples maintain an open dialogue about their sex life well before the wedding and then maintain this conversation long into the life of the marriage,” Sumber said. For some couples the solution is to schedule intimacy nights during the week, he said.

Challenge: Doing chores. Even if you’ve lived together for a while, who does what can still become an issue when you’re legally married, Blum said. That’s because longstanding attitudes and feelings about the role of wife and husband may creep up, she said.

Solution: Rather than fighting about taking out the trash, dig deeper. Talk to your partner about what doing certain chores means to you, Blum said. When you share the meaning and history of specific tasks, it makes negotiating chores much easier, she said. For instance, some people may feel disempowered not doing the bills or knowing their financial details.

Blum gave the example of a spouse who refused to sweep or vacuum the house. To her husband this came across as stubborn, sparking arguments. It turned out that as a child, the wife was overworked and nothing was ever good enough. Part of her rebellion as an adult was not doing the floors, Blum said.

What also helps is to make a list of household tasks and divide accordingly, Blum said. But don’t forget to include the invisible responsibilities, too. One of Blum’s professors used to call the tasks that required planning, organizing and monitoring the “executive functions of the house.” For instance, this might be keeping track of the dog’s medicine or knowing when to pay the bills.

General Marriage Tips

“The more you talk, the better”, Blum said. Couples often mistakenly assume that newlyweds don’t have any issues, so they avoid talking about the frustrating areas in their relationship, Sumber said. As a result, problems just snowball. “We compound our issues over time and feel resentful that nothing has changed even though we haven’t explained our needs,” Sumber said.

That’s why communication is key. In fact, “One of the greatest practices for having a happy, healthy relationship is open, honest, and kind communication,” Sumber said. “Many people forget to be kind in the transmission of uncomfortable information like sexual challenges, annoying quirks or troubling behaviors,” he added.

Blum agreed, and noted the importance of being willing to communicate about your differences without getting defensive or aggressive. It’s important for both you and your partner to be able to articulate how you feel about a certain tradition or issue and truly listen to each other, she said.

Create your own ways. Families can sometimes refuse to be flexible and become critical or judgmental if couples are trying new or different traditions, Blum said. If that’s the case (“and other options appear contentious”), she recommended creating your own traditions. For instance, you might spend Christmas Eve at home and then visit both families the next day.

Seek counseling. If you’re stuck on an issue, see a therapist who specializes in couples. This way, you hash out the tough stuff before problems worsen and multiply. Many of Blum’s clients confess to having had serious problems for years before seeking counseling.

Also helpful is finding a list of premarital counseling topics (like this one) to discuss together, she said.

Write down your agreements. Keep a record of your agreements on various issues, Blum said. This isn’t a contract or something written in stone, but a reference point, she said. The process of writing agreements down requires both partners to get specific about their solutions and helps them gain clarity, she said.

Have fun. It’s important for couples to keep having fun, Sumber said. This might include regular vacations or short weekend getaways, he said. He also suggested weekly date nights, such as nice dinners, couples massages, movie nights or game nights. “Take turns organizing and planning date nights to be sure that the relationship is a priority and that fun and play remain at the center long into the life of the marriage.”

Be grateful. Sumber reminded readers that all relationships are voluntary, and that partners are there by choice. “Someone, even someone I may not always like, is choosing to spend their days and nights with me. That’s pretty remarkable and we tend to take that for granted!”

Another key point to remember: “Relationships are work and just because we love one another doesn’t mean we are not here to challenge, trigger, grow and learn from each other,” Sumber said.

Sabrina’s Perspective

Sabrina, 18, was a freshman away at college. Shortly after she arrived at school she found out that her parents had just split up. Sabrina also soon discovered that her dad had been having an affair since she was in high school, and was still involved with the other woman.

Sabrina came across as superficially tough and apathetic but her hurt and desire for connection were just beneath the surface. She said she had no idea why she felt so bad — so depressed and anxious — and that there was no good reason for it. However, when the topic of her dad came up, Sabrina became visibly distressed. She was adamant that she didn’t want to talk about him, didn’t want to have anything to do with him, and “didn’t care” — but often ended up talking about him anyway. Also, Sabrina frequently commented that if she met her dad’s girlfriend she would “punch her in the face.”

Sabrina’s attitude towards her dad was a change of heart from how she felt towards him growing up. Even though he wasn’t around all the time, she felt a strong connection and identification with him. In this regard, she talked about how she was never a “girly girl ” like her sister, and how she and her dad were both good at math and science.

Sabrina always did well in school until she went off to college. She was caught off guard this year when she began feeling homesick and out of her element — lost in a large school in the engineering department. Sabrina was noticeably hard on herself, hating that she was “weak and pathetic” and criticizing herself for not being able to focus on her work or to get better. Her depression made it hard to concentrate. She found herself constantly ruminating about failing and worried about disappointing her parents. The pressure led to a repetitive spiral of poor grades and increasing panic, guilt and shame. Sabrina became uncertain of what she was good at or interested in, losing her focus and direction.

Sabrina didn’t tell anyone what she was going through and felt lonely and isolated. She didn’t want to talk to her dad and felt protective of her mom, fearful of burdening her. Sabrina mostly pretended things were fine, though occasionally dropping some conspicuous hints to her mom about wishing she (Sabrina) were dead.

Mom’s Perspective

Sabrina’s mom, Deb, was in the throes of grief and depression following the breakup of her marriage. She wanted to help Sabrina and seemed loving but, at the same time, needed her daughter to be OK and was generally oblivious to what Sabrina was going through. Deb often gave quick advice or geared the conversation to her own problems, not taking seriously Sabrina’s expressions of desperation about whether she could survive.

Dad’s Perspective

Sabrina’s dad, Sam, was a high-achieving, very successful engineer. He held Sabrina to similarly high standards, confident (as she had been) that she would flourish in a related field. He seemed to love Sabrina more than anything but was somewhat emotionally immature — clueless about how to manage their relationship. Though he frequently came across as critical, reactive and not easily empathic or tuned in to feelings, he also seemed ingenuous, and was himself easily hurt.

Sam expressed his love and caring for Sabrina by giving her money and advice. On the one hand, he seemed to feel guilty when he recognized how much he hurt her by having the affair. But on the other, he was mad about her ongoing anger toward him, arguing self-righteously that he also was entitled to happiness.

Sam was very focused on wanting Sabrina to meet his girlfriend and be friendly with her, which would help his life be less divided. “Why should Sabrina be mad at her? And how long do I have to let her be mad at me? Plenty of families go through this. This can’t be all my fault. She’s just manipulating me into feeling bad. Sabrina’s problem is that she likes to blame everyone else but herself for her problems and failures.”

Reaching this special “silver moment” spurred me to look around and think about the number of friends we have who also have great second marriages and led me to question the alleged statistic that more than 60 percent of second marriages end in divorce. I also thought about how many friends we have who are still in their original marriages and appear to be very happy. Thus, I decided it was time to do some research on divorce rates.

In the process of preparing for this article, I learned what I had long suspected. The commonly quoted numbers are overstated myths, the more accurate numbers reflect complex factors, and that our society really has two very separate divorce rates, a lower rate (by half) for college-educated women who marry after the age of 25 and a much higher rate for poor, primarily minority women who marry before the age of 25 and do not have a college degree. (Most of the research focused on women; the little I read about men suggested similar outcomes.)

The Statistics

A false conclusion in the 1970s that half of all first marriages ended in divorce was based on the simple but completely wrong analysis of the marriage and divorce rates per 1,000 people in the United States. A similar abuse of statistical analysis led to the conclusion that 60 percent of all second marriages ended in divorce.

These errors have had a profound impact on attitudes about marriage in our society and it is a terrible injustice that there wasn’t more of an effort to get accurate data (essentially only obtainable by following a significant number of couples over time and measuring the outcomes) or that newer, more accurate and optimistic data isn’t being heavily reported in the media.

It is now clear that the divorce rate in first marriages probably peaked at about 40 percent for first marriages around 1980 and has been declining since to about 30 percent in the early 2000s. This is a dramatic difference. Rather than viewing marriage as a 50-50 shot in the dark it can be viewed as having a 70 percent likelihood of succeeding. But even to use that kind of generalization, i.e., one simple statistic for all marriages, grossly distorts what is actually going on.

The key is that the research shows that starting in the 1980s education, specifically a college degree for women, began to create a substantial divergence in marital outcomes, with the divorce rate for college-educated women dropping to about 20 percent, half the rate for non-college educated women. Even this is more complex, since the non-college educated women marry younger and are poorer than their college grad peers. These two factors, age at marriage and income level, have strong relationships to divorce rates; the older the partners and the higher the income, the more likely the couple stays married. Obviously, getting a college degree is reflected in both these factors.

Thus, we reach an even more dramatic conclusion: That for college educated women who marry after the age of 25 and have established an independent source of income, the divorce rate is only 20 percent!

Of course, this has its flip side, that the women who marry younger and divorce more frequently are predominately black and Hispanic women from poorer environments. The highest divorce rate, exceeding 50 percent, is for black women in high-poverty areas. These women clearly face extraordinary challenges and society would do well to find ways to reduce not just teen pregnancies but early marriages among the poor and develop programs that train and educate the poor. Those will not only delay marriage but provide the educational and financial foundation required to increase the probability of a marriage being successful. Early marriage, early pregnancy, early divorce is a cycle of broken families that contributes significantly to maintaining poverty. The cost to our society is enormous.