Stop! Before you reserve the moving truck or buy the ring, take the time to discuss the issues that can make or break your relationship. Love really isn’t enough. Once the pheromones calm down, once you get over the intoxicating time of new love, how you handle these topics will decide whether you will have lasting love. It’s essential that you are on the same page, or at least in the same chapter, when it comes to your feelings or convictions about each one.

Fidelity. Do you have a common understanding of what being faithful means? What would each of you consider to be “cheating”? Is it okay with you if your partner has friends of the other gender? Where is the line between being a friend to others and doing things that will jeopardize your relationship?

Sex. Few couples keep up the frequency and intensity of new-love sex. What is a comfortable rhythm for each of you? When and how and how often do you like to have sex? If you like it in the evening and your partner only wants it in the morning, it can be trouble. How adventuresome or athletic are you each willing to be? How generous are you in satisfying each other?

Money. This is even harder for many couples to talk about than fidelity and sex. What are your attitudes about who should provide for the family? Who should pay the bills? Do you have similar ideas about what should be mine, yours, and ours? Have you been honest about any debts that you are bringing into the relationship? Are you on the same page about how money is spent and how much should be saved? Who is going to take responsibility for such things as insurance, taxes, and retirement accounts?

Work. What is the role of work in each of your lives? Are you in agreement about how hard each of you should work and the choices you should each make about bringing in the money? If one or both of you is in a high-powered career, what are you each willing to sacrifice to make it possible? If one of you out-earns the other, does it matter in terms of decision-making? Will the agreement change if you have children?

Leisure time. What are your ideas about how much of your leisure time you spend together and how much you spend with your individual friends? Is it okay with each of you for the other to go out for a guys’ or girls’ night out? Do you have strong feelings about what can happen then? What do you like to do together that will ensure that you will continue to have some fun as a couple?

Health and fitness. Related to the use of leisure time is how you each regard the importance of the basics: getting enough sleep, eating well, getting in some exercise as part of your routine. Are you in agreement about bedtime and about nutritional choices? Are you supportive of each other in building activity into your lives? Do you have similar views about getting to the dentist and routine doctor visits?

Social media and gaming. What is the place of video gaming, texting, and computer surfing and chatting in your lives? Do either of you have strong feelings that some sites or games aren’t appropriate? How much time can be devoted to gaming and screen time before it becomes a threat to your relationship?

Church, charity and volunteering. Do you share religious or spiritual beliefs? If not, do you respect each other’s? If you have children, will there be issues about which religion they will be raised in? Do you agree about how much time and money should go to charitable work and volunteering to better your community?

Kids. Are you on the same page about having children? If you are going to have kids, do you have similar ideas about when and how many? How about discipline? Do you share an approach to child-rearing? And how will you each distribute time for childcare, carpools, kid activities, and family time?

Relationships with in-laws. How much time do you think you should spend with relatives? What occasions are non-negotiable events for each family? Where do you set your boundaries? Are relatives welcome to drop in any time they please or do they need to have an engraved invitation three months in advance to visit you?

Chores. Arguments about who cleans what have pulled many couples apart. Do you have similar ideas about who should do the laundry, the food shopping, the cooking, the cleanup after dinner, and the general straightening up of the house? Who is supposed to take care of the trash, the yard, the snow shoveling? It’s easy to fall into stereotypical roles that neither person likes. Do you have shared standards for how clean is clean enough?

Partying. Are you in agreement about the use of alcohol and recreational drugs? Gambling may also fit into this category. How much, if any, is okay? When do you think someone has crossed the line and it is a problem? What will you do if that happens?

Conflict. How do you each handle conflict? Do you have the tools you need to negotiate differences? Do you avoid conflict? Blow up? Stomp off? How should your partner handle it when you are upset or angry?

Planning for the future. As heady as the present may be, if your relationship is to last, the two of you also need to be on the same page about where you think you are headed. Do you have similar goals? Are you mutually committed to those goals? Of course, goals may evolve and change but it’s important to have some idea of what you both hope for the future.

Don’t assume that of course you and your true love are in agreement just because you are in love. Once the wonderful haze of new love settles into daily loving, these are the issues that can become deal breakers. Better to talk about them before making a commitment than to find yourselves astonished, angry, and saddened by huge differences that can’t be resolved. Serious discussion now can prevent a painful breakup later. Even more important, conversations about these issues can help you get to know each other better and to lay down a united and strong foundation for your relationship.

Gwyn and Thomas are toasting to the end of their marriage by hosting a celebration at Huntington Hall, their fit-for-a-postcard home in Montauk, Long Island that’s been in the family for generations (a home that even survived the Great Hurricane of 1938).

Paralleling the decline of a 35-year marriage is the storyline of another couple, who are embarking on a different journey. Gwyn and Thomas’s son, Nate, currently lives with his fiancée, Maggie, and he’s bringing her back to his childhood town and ocean-front house to meet his parents for the first time — at their divorce party, no less.

The Divorce Party delves into the intricacies and complexities of characters who harbor secrets.

“I had two main characters — a woman struggling to begin a marriage and another trying to gracefully end hers — both asking the question: how hard should I fight for the person I love?” Dave said in an interview on Examiner.com. “It was very rewarding to see them both find the answer to the question that was ultimately going to lead to their happiness.”

What I personally found interesting is how both father and son were not happy with their past, and while they tried to “start over,” they expressed this need very differently; all at the cost of the women they loved. Thomas tried to fill a void he couldn’t fill for himself, yet, Gwyn suspects that even his idea of beginning anew can’t save him.

“You can do the work to honor what you created, or you don’t,” Dave wrote. “But if you don’t, you get to the same point with the next person, don’t you? You get to the same point, the same questioning, until you push through it. Until you are brave enough to not expect anyone else to see in you what you can’t see in yourself.”

Meanwhile, Nate didn’t disclose a very important part of his story to his soon-to-be wife, which Maggie uncovered during her visit to Montauk. Like Thomas, Nate was also looking for a clean slate; however, he chose to confront himself and his prior experiences, wishing to preserve his current relationship. He wants to accept that air of responsibility and dig deeper within himself. It’s a lesson his father may long to learn as well.

An interview with the author that was posted on the Printasia blog site discusses the message that Dave wants the readers to understand — she wants them to walk away with the theme of forgiveness in mind. Instead of finding a sense of failing in forgiveness, she focuses on its strength.

“I believe that there is no weakness in forgiveness,” she said. “But we are conditioned these days to think that there is, that the brave thing is to move on when someone disappoints us,” she said. “It makes it hard to make a relationship work, if the premium’s as much as leaving as it’s on figuring out a way to stay.”

With an eye-opening view of the inner workings of relationships, Laura Dave’s The Divorce Party is definitely a page-turner and a recommended read.

You think you are being verbally abused by your partner. In fact, you suspect that you are in an impossible situation, living with a partner who doesn’t honor you, wants to change you, or at least wants always to be in charge at your expense.

It’s hard to admit it. It’s terrible to give up the image you once had of your guy as a loving, strong, smart and caring mate. But it’s been a long time since you saw him that way. Instead, you find yourself always braced for the next verbal assault; the next incident where you are found lacking in some way or to blame for things being the way they are. You feel ashamed and sad and angry but stuck. It’s hard to believe it. You don’t understand what happened. You even sometimes think it is all your fault.

Why do women stay with men who put them down? The reasons are varied and complicated.

It’s not uncommon for partners to be completely taken by surprise. Often, people who abuse do nothing of the sort while dating. If the person in pursuit makes any negative comment, it is quickly explained away. There are apologies and promises. He may even cry. Once married, the situation turns. Now that he has her, he doesn’t feel the need to keep himself in check. Afraid that she will in any way have the upper hand in any discussion, he begins a campaign to keep her off balance. The wife is mystified. She wonders what she did wrong. Where did the fun guy she married go? He tells her it’s all her fault. If he is artful about it, she wonders if he is right and works overtime to fix it – not understanding that he doesn’t have any intention of fixing it.

Other women think they can see the insecurity inside the person who is always asserting control. She tries to help him. She agrees with him that life has been unfair to him. She sides with him against the world, not understanding that in his eyes the world includes her. When he turns on her, she tries to be understanding and to explain the situation to him. Once in a while, he even accepts her help, which gives her the false impression that things are changing. What she doesn’t understand is that his insecurity is bigger than his love for her. It is bigger than rational thought. It is bigger than his desire to have a mutual, equal partnership.

Still other partners think the problem is one of communication. Couples therapists and counselors will tell you that the most frequent presenting problem is “we can’t communicate.” Often enough, what that means is that one of the partners doesn’t really want to communicate if communication means sharing decision-making and power. From his point of view, she stubbornly won’t understand when he is being perfectly clear that he’s the one in charge. She is sure that the therapist will help him recognize that he needs to hear another point of view. After all, he is a rational person, right? She thinks he wants the relationship to succeed as much as she does. She doesn’t get it that a need for control isn’t rational and, yes, he wants the relationship to succeed, but only on his terms.

Other women are too scared, insecure, embarrassed, or dependent to leave. Her confidence is shot. Over time, she’s been worn down and worn out. She may have given up trying to have friends since he always objects to her spending any time with them. She may have lost any say about the finances, even if she is making the bulk of the money. She is so convinced of her own powerlessness, she doesn’t think she can make it on her own or that she can find a better match. Feeling unlovable, worthless and helpless, she sinks into a low-grade, or not so low-grade, depression that keeps her stuck.

What to Do if You Are Being Verbally Abused

After soul-searching, you admit it. You are in a relationship that is making you feel bad about yourself. You don’t want to give up on it but you also can’t stand the idea of spending the rest of your life fearing that you’ll be torn down whenever you begin to feel good about yourself or whenever your opinion differs from that of your spouse. You know it isn’t good for you. Just as important, you know that it isn’t good for your kids to grow up believing this is the way people who love each other treat each other.

7 Reasonable Responses to Unreasonable Verbal Abuse

1. Give up on the idea of trying to change him. You can’t. There are important but mistaken reasons why he is the way he is. It may be grounded in his own upbringing, his insecurities or in a narcissistic personality disorder. You can’t do his therapeutic work for him. But – if he wants to change himself, there’s hope. Unless he has a history of being violent, you could ask him to get into some therapy before your relationship is beyond retrieval.
2. Never match his verbal abuse with that of your own. It won’t teach him a thing. It will only confirm in his mind that you are the irrational one. Instead, take the high road. Calmly tell him that you are sorry he feels that way about you but that you don’t share his opinion. Tell him that you love him too much to put him down.
3. Set limits. If your partner calls you names, treats you with disrespect and sarcasm, or loses it when you act only like the equal person you are, calmly tell him you expect to be treated the way he would treat someone he values, admires and respects. If he keeps it up, tell him that you will leave the conversation if he doesn’t stop. If he doesn’t stop, calmly leave the room, telling him you are giving him space to think about his behavior; you’ll be back in an hour or so. (Caution: Don’t do this if he is likely to escalate. See No. 7.)
4. People who need to control their partners often try to prevent them from having a life separate from the couple. You can’t leave if you have nowhere to go. Maintain your own support system. Make sure you spend time with your friends and stay in touch with family members you love. Friends can remind you that you are a valuable person when you start to feel like your partner is right that you aren’t.
5. If you think things won’t improve or will only get worse, start a savings account for yourself. Put enough money away that you always feel it is a choice whether or not you stay. Have at least enough for a bus ticket to your family or a friend’s. Better yet, save enough to pay rent for a few months so you never have to feel trapped.
6. Get counseling if you think your relationship is salvageable. If you’ve tried your best but you and your partner haven’t been able to forge a loving, mutually supportive relationship, find a couples therapist to help you. If your partner won’t go because of his pride, stubbornness, or his conviction that you are the only one who needs “fixing,” go yourself. You need the support. Your counselor may be able to help you identify ways to make counseling a little less threatening to your partner so he might join you.
7. If your partner has escalated from verbal to physical violence – leave. There are domestic abuse programs in almost every city in the U.S. Counselors there can help you figure out where to go and what to do. If you are in a rural area of the U.S. or in a country without such help, go online. Make sure you use a computer your partner can’t use. Some people become violent when they see that their partners have tried to reach out for some help. In the U.S., you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. For more information about their services, click on thehotline.org

Written by Alain de Botton, this, however, is intended to be a serious book about a very serious subject. The emphasis is on how strange and troublesome many of us find this intensely pleasurable experience. All of us secretly fear that we deviate from some healthy sexual norm — one that doesn’t really exist.

I hadn’t heard of de Botton before. Looking him up, I found that he is a Swiss-born British writer and television personality who is very popular in the U.K. He could be described as a popularizer of philosophy, and his previous titles — including How Proust Can Change Your Life, Status Anxiety, The Architecture of Happiness, and Religion for Atheists — give some idea of what he is about.

He is the founder of the rather grandiloquently named organization called “The School of Life,” which is described as “…exploring good ideas for everyday life.” How to Think More About Sex, though at times thought provoking, fails to provide much new information and often falls flat in its declarations about what should be an interesting subject.

A chapter called “Can ‘Sexiness’ Be Profound?” raises a very vague question and doesn’t answer it in any clear fashion. The author simply provides some old findings from evolutionary biology that healthy appearace is valued as a plus for a potential sex partner, and that beauty is “in essence someone whose face is symmetrical (that is, the right and left sides match precisely) and whose features are balanced, proportionate and undistorted.” Nothing earth-shattering here.

One chapter on beauty, titled “Natalie and Scarlett,” poses the actresses Natalie Portman and Scarlett Johannson as two equally attractive examples of evolutionary beauty in their symmetry of face and balance of feature and wonders how we would choose one over the other. The author’s answer, taken from the work of German art historian Wilhelm Worringer, is that we favor what we feel is missing in ourselves. “The specifics of what we find ‘beautiful’ and what we find ‘sexy,’” he writes, “are indicative of what we most deeply crave in order to rebalance ourselves.”

Perhaps the most provocative part of the book is a section titled “The Problems of Sex.” The section’s initial chapter, “Love and Sex,” deals with the sometimes antipodal goals of love and lust through a fictional encounter between two strangers, whom the author calls Tomas and Jen. The two characters meet and harbor conflicting desires: Tomas sees Jen as a love object, somebody he can marry and with whom he can have children, while Jen, defying gender stereotypes, has no interest in Tomas as a longterm partner, but just wants to ravish him. For the couple to get together, both have to hide their real interest in the other through dissimulation. De Botton feels that neither need is more moral than the other.

The following chapter makes the rather unoriginal point that sexual rejection attacks the core of the rejected party’s being and is frequently seen as a moral judgment rather than a mere accident. This, we know.

“Lack of Desire” is in many ways the most original and perceptive chapter in the book as well as the most successfully analytical. Regarding the falling off of sex during marriage, de Botton posits that the work of William H. Masters and Virginia E. Johnson—a well-known pair of sexuality researchers—has skewed our thinking about the subject. Masters and Johnson promoted the understanding that people have the right to sexual fulfillment in longterm relationships and that failure in this area is pathology. Rather than pathological, de Botton believes that diminishing frequency of sex over the years may be simply a normal part of aging.

This chapter also deals with impotence, and here de Botton’s perspective is unique in the extreme. The author feels that impotence is, “at base, then, a symptom of respect, a fear of causing displeasure through imposition of our own desires or the inability to satisfy our partner’s needs.” He sees it as “enduring kindness.” What he concludes, however, is even more unusual.

“The fear of being disgusting, absurd or a disappointment to someone else is a first sign of morality,” he writes. “Impotence is an achievement of the ethical imagination—so much so that in the future, we men might learn to act out episodes of the condition as a way of signalling our depth of spirit, just as today we furtively swallow Viagra tablets in the bathroom to prove the extent of our manliness.”

Reading this last bit, all I could think was wow.

As for pornography, there is not much equivocation here. The author clearly loathes it, calls it “poison,” and condemns it as a prodigious waste of time and money. He cautiously advocates censorship, and a couple of his reasons for condemning it approach the bizarre. For example, he feels that suffering is not a bad thing and that porn is harmful because it reduces suffering. In his own words, “Pornography, like alcohol and drugs, undermines our ability to endure certain kinds of suffering which we have to experience if we are to direct our lives properly. More specifically, it reduces our capacity to tolerate our ambiguous moods of free floating worry and boredom.”

Indeed, he regards boredom as a good thing. “Furthermore, the ready availability of pornography lessens our tolerance for the kind of boredom that grants our mind the space it needs to spawn good ideas,” he writes. In other words, if we weren’t wasting our time fighting the doldrums by watching porn, we would be creating things of value.

The author advocates a new porn, which he defines as something that would “combine sexual excitement with an interest in other human ideals. The usual animalistic categories and hackneyed plots with stock characters seemingly incapable of coherent speech,” he proposes, “would give way to pornographic images and scenarios based on such qualities as intelligence (showing people reading or wandering the stacks in libraries), kindness (people performing oral sex on one another with an air of sweetness and regard) or humility (people caught looking embarrassed, shy or self-conscious).”

Apparently—and amusingly—the author may not know that the shy but lustful female librarian is one of the clichés of pornography. The example above suggests that his knowledge of the subject is limited.

Moreover, while it is true that contemporary pornography is frequently misogynistic, brutal, and dark, there are also numerous examples of people giving each other gentle, loving pleasure. I have little doubt that such pornography likely provides release for many people who for one reason or another can’t have physical relationships with their peers.

Finally, de Botton’s chapter on adultery is murky, but the author comes out in favor of a faithful marriage over an unfaithful one. In his conclusion, he makes the bold statement—sarcasm alert—that sex invigorates our life.

It’s hard to know what to make of this book. The author read some materials, including the famous works of Masters and Johnson, saw a few films, and did a lot of thinking.

He didn’t, however, do a lot of reading of contemporary sex research. His original insights seem few and paltry. Readers looking for a fresh, original approach to an endlessly written about topic aren’t going to find much new here.

How to Think More About Sex
Picador, December, 2012
Paperback, 192 pages
$16

Verbal abuse takes many forms: from loud rants to quiet comments; from obvious put-downs to not-so-obvious remarks that undermine the partner. What all the methods have in common is the need to control, to be superior, to avoid taking personal responsibility, and to mask or deny failures.

The myth in Hank’s and Mary’s relationship is that he is much, much smarter than she is. She does admire him, but not as much as he admires himself. He trumps anything she says with a stronger, maybe louder opinion. He calls her ideas naïve or ill-informed or even idiotic. Mary thinks he may be right. Since marrying Hank 3 years ago, her self-confidence has plummeted.

Jake, on the other hand, hides his need for control in his relationship with Marilyn under sarcasm, jokes and puns. “Why,” he says, “doesn’t Marilyn understand I’m just joking?” Why? Because she is the object of those sarcastic remarks, “jokes” and puns. He both publicly and privately keeps her off-balance by joking about her insights, her goals, and the things she cares most about. She has come to question her judgment about her ideas and about him. Lots of people think he’s funny. Maybe, she thinks, he doesn’t mean it. Maybe, she tells herself, she needs to have a better sense of humor.

Frank can’t stand to be seen as responsible for any failure. When he makes a mistake, his mantra is “I may be wrong but you are wrong-er.” If his wife says he has hurt her feelings, he claims not to remember having said what he said or having done what he did. He tells her she is “too sensitive.” He whines about being a scapegoat for other people’s problems. He doesn’t seem to get that he is the perpetrator, not the victim.

Al isn’t subtle. His wife and kids never know what to expect when he comes home. Will loving, caring Al be at the door with treats for the kids and something nice for his wife? Or will the Al who flies into rages, who threatens them with physical abuse and swears and calls them names show up? The whole household walks on eggshells. Even when loving-Al is around, things can change in an instant if he is the least bit frustrated. Last week when his 5-year-old spilled milk at the dinner table, he yelled at her for an hour. When his wife tried to intervene, he backhanded her. Everyone got real quiet. Then – the storm blew over and Al left for the rest of the evening.

If you recognize yourself in any of the above scenarios, you are being verbally abused. Make no mistake: Although verbal abuse doesn’t leave visible scars, it does do damage. The victims’ self-esteem is eroded. Children who watch one parent being put down and diminished by the other develop a skewed and sad view of how relationships are supposed to be.

6 Signs You Are Being Verbally Abused

1. Like Mary, you feel you just can’t win. No matter how carefully or kindly you try to work out a problem, your partner says things that make you feel like you’re in the wrong.
2. Your self-esteem and self-confidence are shot. Your partner isn’t your greatest fan but your greatest critic. He often tells you that his comments are “for your own good.”
3. When you say he has hurt your feelings your partner, like Frank in the scene above, tells you that you are too sensitive. When you point out that he has said something inappropriate or hurtful, he accuses you of trying to make him look bad. You notice that he rarely takes responsibility for his part of a problem. Somehow he manages to convince himself and even you that anything that goes wrong is your fault.
4. You often are the brunt of jokes that make you feel bad. The guy who is fun and fun-loving outside the family unleashes a more vicious or undermining humor inside. Other people don’t believe you that the guy they know is so different from what you experience. Like Marilyn, you find yourself constantly questioning yourself.
5. You have to walk on eggshells at home. Your home isn’t a sanctuary for you and your kids. It is the place where you are most afraid and embarrassed. You and the kids stay away as much as you can. When you are there with your partner, you all do everything you can to make sure nothing happens that could set him off.
6. If you’re not very careful, the verbal abuse escalates to physical altercations. Even if you are very careful, what starts with words can end up with physical aggression toward you or destroying things, especially things you value.

Whoever made up that rhyme about “sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me” was just plain wrong! Words do hurt. They can break a person on the inside just as surely as a whack with a stick bruises the outside. People who are subjected to verbal abuse suffer. People who are subjected to it over time can get so used to it that they lose their sense of themselves as people worth loving. If you see yourself in any of these stories, know you are not alone. There are things you can do. Part II of this article will discuss them.

• You’re alone. I can recall Valentine’s Days I wished I were in love with someone who loved me. Worse were Valentine’s Days when I missed an ex or spent time thinking about someone who wasn’t in love with me. Looking back, what was sad was that I made myself unhappy and ruined one, if not more, days thinking “if only.”
• You’re in a new relationship.Another Valentine’s trap happens when you’re newly in love. It may be the first Valentine’s Day of your relationship, and you wonder whether your partner will surprise you with something special. Will he or she ignore the day or hopefully say the unmentionable, four-letter L-word?You’re stressed about whether your card should be funny or mushy. Fear of humiliation and abandonment restrain you from being vulnerable. You don’t want your feelings rejected or to scare off your partner. Guys, you could be afraid of hurting your girl’s feelings by not doing or saying enough. Or you could be afraid to do or say too much, which might be misinterpreted as a commitment for which you’re unprepared.
• You’re in a fight.One of the worst feelings on Valentine’s Day is to be fighting with your partner. Any other day wouldn’t be as painful. On Valentine’s Day, though, your worst fears and disappointments about your partner and the relationship are highlighted. In addition to being hurt or angry about the argument, you compare how you feel to how you imagine the day should be and how you want to feel.You don’t have to be fighting to be on eggshells all day and disappointed because your partner is an addict, ignoring you, or is looking for a fight to avoid admitting he didn’t plan anything or doesn’t want to go out. You can easily spend the entire day looking and waiting for cues, wondering whether you will spend the evening together. It’s hard to generate loving feelings seeing your wife neglecting the children or drunk all day.
• You’re in a dull or dead relationship.Many couples in long relationships have lost the spark of love. Valentine’s Day may be a cruel reminder or an opportunity to rekindle it. When romance fades, it can be replaced with love based on deep caring and shared life experience. You might decide not to do anything special. Yet you can still acknowledge your love for each other – even if it’s not romantic love, it’s deep and abiding.Some relationships have died. Intimacy’s gone, but the couple can’t let go, whether due to age, children, health, or finances. Usually, despite those reasons, there’s a deep attachment. Often one person imagines he or she is staying for the other and is in denial of his or her own attachment needs and fears about leaving.
• You’re in a loving relationship.You’re among the fortunate few if you’re in a long, loving relationship. Valentine’s Day may still present problems, especially for husbands who don’t want to disappoint their wives. You can get caught in the dilemma of not being able to decide whether to surprise your wife or ask her what she’d like. It’s okay to ask. Some people would rather know, but beware of a common trap: When your significant other replies, “it doesn’t really matter, I’m just happy with all you do. Don’t get me anything.” In this case, you should get him or her something special. Failure to act can be dangerous.Wives, too, can get caught up in waiting and wondering, and not wanting to upset plans their husbands may have made.

Six Tips

1. Stay in the present reality. Take the label off, and just enjoy the day. Don’t look up an ex or waste time fantasizing about someone with whom you’re not involved. Don’t think about your relationship’s future or troubles or replay past disappointing holidays.
2. Take responsibility for your feelings. If you’re experiencing painful emotions, honor them – for a half-hour. Then plan a great day. Remember it takes two to have an argument. Take responsibility for your contribution and your feelings. Own them, apologize if necessary, and make a fresh start with your partner. You’re the one who suffers if you don’t. Waiting for an apology feeds your resentment.
3. Let go of expectations. They plant the seeds of disappointment and resentment. Instead, be open to what your partner and the universe have in store for you.
4. Focus on giving love. Remember the love you feel is the love you give. Even if you’re in a relationship, write yourself a love letter about your wonderful traits and acts of courage. Tell yourself you love you. Read it aloud in the mirror. This may sound foolish, but it works and boosts your self-esteem! You can also focus on the positive traits of your partner. Imagine opening your heart and sending him or her love. If that’s difficult, recall a time when you shared love, and then bring that memory fully into the present.
5. Be creative. It shows an investment of time, love, and thought when you create something special. You can create a treasure hunt for your partner to find a gift or card. Instead of roses, sprinkle the bed with flower petals. Give a sensuous candlelit foot rub, massage, or body wash. Write your favorite, shared memories with colored pens. Make a collage of your dream home, family, or past or future adventures together designed with leaves, dried flowers, photographs, or magazine clippings.
6. Whatever you do, be real. Authenticity is romantic. Your true feelings are apparent anyway, and hiding them creates more problems. That doesn’t mean you have to spill your guts, but in a dicey situation, choose words that are true for you.

During midlife typically we are burdened by taking care of children and parents. We are faced with loss — loss of youth, previous roles and opportunities. Midlife transition often is associated with a shift in our sense of time, leading us to reflect on our lives so far, decisions we’ve made, and the future. Midlife transition does not have to involve calamity, but for some people it turns into a crisis.

Midlife crises can occur in both men and women, but take a particular form in men facing identity crises, often spilling into family life. Men in midlife crises feel hopelessly trapped in an identity or lifestyle they experience as constraining, fueled by an acute awareness of time passing. Finding themselves in a life that feels empty and inauthentic, they feel pressure to break out, and may desperately grasp at a chance for vitality and pleasure.

David, 47, a family man and do-gooder, felt lonely and trapped in his marriage. He always followed the “right” path, accommodated others, and made life decisions based on his sense of what was expected. David had a strong sense of loyalty and responsibility, and seemed an unlikely candidate for an affair. When a female colleague at work befriended him, David felt flattered. In his unhappiness, he fantasized and was drawn to her, but never considered cheating. But while away on business, David indulged temptation. Acting on his impulses, he unwittingly became swept into a full-blown affair.

David had unconsciously followed a prefabricated, externally driven trajectory formed by others’ expectations – part of what set him up for rebellion and crisis at midlife. Men with similar profiles make automatic life decisions, without inner reflection or a “felt” sense. They swallow parental or societal values whole, without question, later feeling oppressed, deprived, and resentful. These and other risk factors – including limited self-awareness, difficulty talking openly, and feeling unloved or unsupported in their marriages – create breeding grounds for crises driven by the need to escape.

An essential developmental issue for men in midlife is sorting out who they are separate from societal and family expectations. This task also is common to adolescence (Levinson, D., 1978). In adolescence, modulated risk-taking and contained rebellion against parents’ values can facilitate healthy differentiation and development of an autonomous sense of self. When parents set protective limits on opportunities for dangerous behavior, while allowing teens their voice and room to make their own choices (for example: clothing, hobbies), teens are helped to discover and “own” what’s right for them.

With men at midlife, a similar balance between restraint/limits and exploration is needed as issues of freedom, autonomy, and self-definition from adolescence are reworked. Mastery and opportunity come from self-exploration, not outward rebellion. The key is recognizing that the protest is an internal conflict over constraints and self-perceptions internalized in the past, creating an internal divide.

Natural midlife development in men naturally elicits awareness of previously unexpressed needs and parts of the self (Levinson, D., 1978) which may be felt as an ambiguous sense of something wrong or missing. In men whose histories may not have supported the development of their identity, such internal cues may be misinterpreted as a sign of a fatal flaw in their lives, leading to the impulse to flee.

But signals from within of something unrequited can provide positive impetus for self-examination and psychological and interpersonal growth. Healthy resolution occurs when self-examination leads to an achievable vision of change anchored to the context of our lives. Gary, a man struggling with midlife issues, worked to understand the emptiness he felt. Ultimately, he transformed loss into fulfillment by embracing the role of mentoring others, coming into his own, rather than giving in to longings for youth and the wish to go back.

Midlife crises can lead to growth or destruction. When it seems there’s no way out, creating a crisis, an unconscious process forces change. Experiencing the reality that we can lose our spouse is a powerful antidote to complacency. This jolt can trump fear of conflict and change, mobilizing couples to face destructive patterns and rebuild stronger relationships.

But prevention is better. Couples can work together using protective guidelines to contain midlife challenges and crises.

Tips for Men

• Mourn losses, but limit time spent in fantasy, regret and longing for what cannot be recaptured.
• Examine past decisions without judgment to understand what factors in you, possibly still at play, drove those decisions.
• Brainstorm about what you want now in your marriage, work, leisure.
• Realistically assess what’s possible now and what opportunities are gone.
• Imagine how it would feel day-to-day if you lost your wife and family.
• Realistically assess your need for security vs. excitement.
• Identify and write down things in your life for which you’re grateful.
• Include your wife and others in conversations about this.

Tips for Spouse

• Recognize biases in how you view your husband and ways these perceptions might constrain him.
• Be open to seeing him differently – as his friends or others do – and letting him change.
• Notice him – what makes him happy and unhappy?
• Share excitement over his successes.
• Show interest in what he likes.
• Find out how he’s feeling in the marriage, whether he’s lonely.
• Be open to change.

References

Levinson, Daniel J. (1978). Seasons of a Man’s Life. New York: Random House, Inc.

The Joy of Growing Old. (December, 2010). Retrieved January 22, 2013 from www.theeconomist.com

It’s the most destructive idea about love in American culture. It may make for a good line in a movie. But the notion makes for very unstable relationships. It doesn’t work for either party.

When someone wants and needs their sweetheart to fill in the missing pieces in themselves, they are setting themselves up for emotional disaster. Being needy erodes one’s self-respect. Being seen as charmingly childish may work for a while, but at some point it will get old to find all your ideas and opinions being dismissed.

Wanting others to fill in our “blanks” is a delightful fantasy. Wouldn’t we all like someone else to do the hard work necessary for helping us grow up? But growing up by definition requires effort. Being a grownup is what is required for finding grownup love.

The need for superiority is equally corrosive to relationships. Those who look for a needy person in order to feel “needed” ultimately end up disappointed. Trading equality for control gives you all the responsibility in the relationship. A playmate is fun when life is all play. But when things get difficult — and life has a way always of making things difficult now and then — you’ll come to resent the person who has always looked to you to be the strong one. Such people can’t take a turn at carrying responsibilities and think it’s unfair if you ask them to do so.

Think of the workings of a fine road bike. Both wheels need to be balanced and aligned. When one wheel has a significant problem, or if one is overinflated, you’re in for a bumpy ride.

A relationship can work over the long term only if it is a partnership between two mature, complete adults who complement each other; who admire each other’s strengths and who respect themselves and each other. If you’ve been looking for the romance promised in chick flicks, where one person completes the other – stop. You may find a fling, but you won’t find a partner. It’s time to take a look at whether you are self-ish enough to be in a relationship for keeps.

Selfishness doesn’t have to mean self-centered, narcissistic, and getting yours at others’ expense. Instead, self-ishness can mean loving yourself enough to do the work to be a complete adult. When a person is self-ish in the positive sense, their self-esteem is high, they function well in the social world, they manage their responsibilities and they are sufficiently emotionally stable to be a loving and generous partner. Such people don’t need to be one-up or one-down to make a life with another. They are not threatened by another’s competence nor do they need someone to take care of them. They know that the basis of a healthy relationship is equality and respect.

A Time to Reevaluate

If you are unhappily single on Valentine’s Day or if you are in a relationship that isn’t working, it’s a good time to do some honest reflection. Like New Year’s, Valentine’s Day can be a time to take stock and to resolve to fix some things that could stand fixing. Neither looking for a missing piece nor looking for control by filling in someone else’s empty places will give you the steady, lasting love you want. Taking steps to be more self-ish will.

How to be self-ish enough to find a lasting romance:

• Remind yourself that you are lovable. If you don’t think you are worthy of love, no one else will. If you think you can only be loved by people who need you or by being needed, give it up. Focus on developing yourself. Start your day with a few quiet minutes to remind yourself of your best qualities. Write them down. Decide to put at least some of those qualities out there for the world to see every day.
• Respect yourself enough to expect others to treat you with respect. If someone is disrespectful, calmly remind them that you expect to be spoken to respectfully, even when you may be wrong, even if you are in disagreement. Of course, that means being equally respectful of other people when they are wrong or in disagreement.
• Work on any feelings of insecurity you may have. If you think the only people who will love you are those who are grateful to you; if you need to be in control in order to be secure; you have work to do. Instead of rescuing yet another person as an avenue to “love,” love yourself enough to focus on developing your sense of self-worth.
• Love yourself enough to take care of yourself and to present yourself well. That means get enough sleep, eat sensibly, and get some exercise. Being attractive doesn’t take $40 fingernails, a $200 haircut or $500 shoes. Attractiveness that lasts beyond a first impression takes being healthy and put together.
• Do your personal emotional work. If you have been told you are “too needy” or “too controlling,” take it seriously. Think about whether the comment was justified. Of course, sometimes people say such things in anger. But sometimes they are onto something — or part of something. If you don’t feel like you can be an equal partner with a person you see as your equal, you might want to consider some therapy to help you sort out why and what you can do about it.

Finding a soulmate is just that — finding a mate, a person who walks beside you. That person is not a person who needs you to fix them, nor is it someone who is invested in being the one to do the fixing. If you are looking for romantic love that lasts, be self-ish enough to expect and give love in equal measure.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

My ideas are based on my observations of working with hundreds of couples over the last 10 years.

1. Seek to understand before trying to be understood.

One of the most common negative patterns I see in my work with couples is the cycle of criticism and defensiveness. This often happens when you hear something you perceive as an attack or criticism from your partner, which leads you immediately to defend yourself.

This pattern sets both of you up not to be heard. As soon as you start to defend your position, you’ve lost the opportunity to understand your partner. Even if you feel under attack or think you hear a criticism, try to understand your partner’s thoughts and feelings before you respond.

2. Slow down your communication to truly hear your partner.

Many issues get out of control because once this dynamic of criticism and defense is under way, the interaction often moves very quickly. When your communication is speeding up, you can miss a lot of important information that your partner is expressing. This fast pace also increases the volatility of your discussion, making it harder for you to keep the conversation calm.

If you notice that your discussion is moving too quickly, intentionally put on the brakes and slow down the exchange. Make sure your partner knows you truly want to understand what he or she is saying. This helps defuse the reactivity and allows you to continue to communicate in an adult-to-adult way.

3. Be curious about your partner’s perspective.

This one is easier said than done when you’re feeling blamed, criticized or attacked. However, one of the best things you can do in such circumstances is to be curious about your partner’s perspective. This can be disarming in a positive way, and it immediately helps de-escalate the rising tension between you.

By being curious, you can learn new things about your partner, as well as support your conversation in moving toward a resolution. You can still disagree with your partner’s perspective and remain curious and interested in how their view is different from yours. Practice this next time you feel a heated discussion coming on and see what happens.

4. Recognize your emotional triggers and learn to self-soothe.

When you know what your emotional triggers are, it allows you to be aware when the potential for their activation is present. We all bring ‘baggage’ into our relationships — from our childhood, previous relationships, school experiences and of course, our family of origin. There’s no such thing as a person who is ‘baggage-free;’ however, you can use your awareness of your hot spots to know when they are likely to be triggered.

Practice observing yourself, even when you feel triggered by your partner. See if you can name it by saying “I’m feeling [insert feeling] now, and I think it’s also touching something in my past that’s not related to you.” By naming the trigger, it helps your partner understand that there’s more at play here than just the current conversation. This understanding can help both of you be less reactive in the moment.

5. Practice using empathy to foster a closer connection.

Empathy is the fuel of good relationships. Being empathic is about imagining yourself walking in your partner’s shoes seeing the world from their perspective. When you can respond empathically to your partner, it facilitates a deeper bond and creates a strong sense of safety and trust between you. When you’re feeling attacked, however, this is the last thing you feel like doing. It does require you to be able to step outside yourself and begin to appreciate a reality different from yours.

Practicing empathy does not mean that you have to completely surrender and give up what you want or give up your own reality. It just means you need to suspend your own perspective, even momentarily, so you can appreciate the smallest part of how your partner sees things. Start small – even if you’re imagining only one to five percent of what your partner feels — and then build on that. Your partner will feel the shift and will be able to let down his or her guard a little, opening up the possibility of a better connection.

6. Listen for the hidden unmet need or emotion.

When your partner is in distress and voicing a complaint or you’re feeling criticized or blamed, there’s always some unmet need, want, desire or unexpressed emotion underlying this cry. The challenge for you is to go underneath the overt complaint and see if you can tap into the hidden emotion. By uncovering this emotion and tentatively asking if the covert emotion is also going on for your partner, you can bypass the surface anger, irritation or resentment and cut to the core emotion that needs to be validated.

This is no easy task, as it requires you to figuratively step up and out of the current conflict and to look and listen for what’s not being expressed. It also requires you to suspend your own reactivity and defensiveness in order to connect with your partner’s deeper needs.When you find yourself in a conflict situation, pause for a moment and see if you can feel what else in the conversation your partner is not expressing. To help you with this, remind yourself that your partner is in distress, but is not able to share the whole picture of the distress with you. Listen carefully for this and use your curiosity to find out what else is not being overtly shared.

7. Anticipate issues before they become issues.

Many current issues could have been dealt with much earlier in the relationship, but weren’t. Avoiding talking about small issues often can lead to unresolved issues festering and expanding over time, only eventually to explode and become much bigger than they were initially. You may not want to rock the boat when things seem to be going well. You may believe that nothing good comes of raising complaints or issues.

The reality is, couples who seek to avoid conflict almost always end up in lots of it. Get into the habit of naming and flagging issues with each other, even when they are small. One of the ways to do this is to have a regular check-in to discuss current issues and assess where your relationship is going. Over time, this structure can help you feel more confident about your ability to effectively deal with conflict and disagreements.

Communication in a relationship requires constant attention. Start with the basics and establish rituals of communication and connection to ensure the longevity of your love and connection with each another.

The introduction kicks off the book in good fashion, explaining how the authors’ personal dilemmas with their manopausal mates was one motivation for the writing. The book is organized into two parts: a shorter first part of four chapters, which explains why men are the way they are, and a second and longer part (eight chapters) that gets more specific, focusing on hormones, sex, work, family, and the meeting of manopause and menopause.

The work seems well researched and organized in a clear, intelligible fashion. While the book achieves its purpose in explaining what the midlife male is going through and how spouses can understand this change and be supportive, the writing, although clear and informative, suffers from an overly earnest, hortatory tone that becomes grating over time.

According to the authors, research and theories about midlife travails are a relatively recent thing, with the term “midlife crisis” coined in 1965. Gail Sheehy’s book Passages, written in the 1970s, was most probably the vehicle that launched the concept of midlife change into the popular culture. In their own book, Bloch and Silverman state that “midlife crisis” is too strong a term for the middle years and that they instead prefer “midlife adjustment.”

Part One begins smartly with a chapter that is essentially two multiple-choice quizzes. The first asks the presumably feminine reader how much she knows about men. There are questions about sex, hormones, depression, brain function, and divorce rates. I, a male who has left midlife behind, took the quiz and was surprised and a little chagrined when I scored in the bottom and most ignorant level. My wife scored a few points above me, enough to put her in the bottom of the middle level. My score, the authors felt, made me a novice in knowledge of the world of men and, if I were a woman, an ideal reader of the book. (I did better on the second quiz, which dealt with cultural pressures on men.)

The following chapter, “What it means to ‘Be a Man,’” is probably one of the most informative in the book, highlighting biological differences between the sexes. Womanhood is a biological given with confirmation at first menstruation, the authors write, while manhood is much more nebulous and has to be earned over and over again. Men face pressures that women don’t face and are subject to social expectations that the authors call “The Mandates”: achieve success; suppress emotion; be daring; don’t be feminine; avoid homosexuality; disconnect sex from emotional intimacy; be self-reliant; and revere duty and sacrifice.

Here, the authors go on to explain that women are more accustomed to physical change (monthly cycles) than men who may find their changes—dropping of testosterone, energy decline, hair loss, shrinking of muscle mass, and so on—much more frightening. Manopause is a fearful time for men and spouses should understand that much of their man’s behavior may be fear-driven. “If he’s like most manopause men,” the authors write, “your man is feeling out of control, vulnerable, and helpless to some degree. But one thing is for sure: He can’t show you he’s worried. He can’t even admit it to himself, much less talk about it. Remember, according to the mandates, he must show no weakness.” Instead of opening up, we’re told, men exhibit “bad behaviors”—mainly defense mechanisms—while dealing with inner anxiety about manopause.

In the second part of the book, the authors make the point that midlife can be an especially dangerous time for men, with a suicide rate for those in their 40s and 50s three times higher than the national average. The topic of depression is handled well, except for what I felt was an over-emphasis on violence in the depressed midlife male. The authors also recommend professional mental health treatment in a rather Pollyannaish way as if it’s a fail-safe solution, omitting to mention that for some people depression can be intractable.

The chapter on testosterone was for me very informative (remember my score on the first quiz showed that I had nowhere to go but up). Testosterone levels are very unstable, we learn. There are seasonal variations well as daily fluctuations, with peak period in the morning. Like cholesterol, there are two types of testosterone, bound and free. The bound type adheres to a protein and is essentially tied up while the free type circulates and energizes important organs. As men age, the bound type increases and the more vital free type decreases. The level of free testosterone is more important that the total level. Testosterone replacement therapy is a controversial area for physicians and the authors do a nice job in listing the pros and cons.

A chapter on sex titled “Manopause Sex, His Penis, And Your Relationship,” which focused on male sexuality in midlife, is also well done and deals with such topics as erectile dysfunction, Viagra and other enhancers, and male health and longevity in relation to sex. The authors cite a Northern Ireland study that found that men with a low frequency of sexual activity (less than once a month) died at twice the rate of men with high-frequency sex (two or more times a week). There is also useful information on the neurophysiology of the midlife penis as well as a brief treatment of the interaction between rising testosterone in midlife women (due to falling levels of estrogen) and falling testosterone in their mates.

A chapter on intimacy with one’s manopause mate is less successful, relying too much on conventional wisdom and cliche. The remaining chapters cover family issues and work. The one on family is pretty much as you would expect: manopausal father in competition with growing sons and being overly protective of growing daughters.

The work chapter is also conventional in content except for a section on how a female employee should handle a manopausal boss. The concluding chapter, “Your New and Improved Manopause Man,” is, as its title suggests, patronizing to men. The authors propose new “mandates” that include such nebulous goals as “Find your authentic self,” “Accept change,” “Become emotionally intelligent,” “Be your healthiest self,” and “Discover deeper meaning and intimacy in relationships.” This tone also belies the subtext of the whole book, which seems to envision a doughty, hardworking female engineer working on a new blueprint for her hapless, befuddled mate.

Still, the book, despite its faults, works very well in presenting a complete picture of the midlife male. It’s very well researched, intelligent in design, and certainly of use to wives coping with manopause, as well as to husbands who are living through the transition. I myself learned a lot from it.

Manopause: Your Guide to Surviving His Changing Life
Hay House, September, 2012
Paperback, 283 pages
$16.95

Courtship. It’s such an old-fashioned word that some might find its use today to be quaint. Over the last few decades, courtship has gone the way of scented love letters and rotary telephones. In the push for more freedom of choice in relationships, courtship rituals have almost disappeared from American culture.

Yes, people still like romance — as in candlelight dinners and walks on the beach – but the structures and traditions that led from initial attraction to marriage have fallen by the wayside. Many couples move from attraction to renting a truck and moving in, no genuine commitment required. Going “a-courtin’,” the slow wooing of another person and the gradual development of closeness and affection, seems to have all but disappeared.

The result of this hurried intimacy is a great deal of confusion. When sharing a bed and a life and maybe even a child comes before the sharing of long talks about values and goals and deep explorations of each other’s personality and history, couples often are set up for heartbreak. When things don’t turn out as expected, some couples are able to recognize their mistake, wish each other well and let the relationship go. But others, not at all sure what true commitment is about, fight with each other and with themselves to hang on. Cheating becomes the substitute for the dating and sorting out that should have occurred before moving in. Trust becomes yet another thing to fight about.

Everyone is a victim in this scenario, especially when the couple has had children. The kids end up without the stable home and loving family every child deserves. The women often end up single-mothering and struggling. The men often end up paying child support for children they may seldom see or becoming burdened with unanticipated responsibilities. Sometimes the couple manages to co-parent responsibly and well and remain friends. But even in these best-case instances, both now are looking for partners who may not want to deal with children or continued involvement with an “ex.” Those without kids are not unscathed either. They have wasted years in a relationship that left them with trust issues and heartache.

All this can be avoided by bringing courtship back into style. I’m not talking about “courtship” as defined by the Christian right, where couples remain chaste and parents are fully involved in every stage of the developing relationship (although that is certainly one way to go about it). I’m talking about a period of time during which a couple who is attracted to each other takes it slow and gets to know each other well before deciding they are exclusive, before planning to move in, and, by all means, before making a baby. Courtship isn’t dating.

Dating is step 1. Dating means going out with a number of people to see what kind of person is likely to be a fit. Dating is getting to know a number of people you are attracted to by going out for coffee or hanging together with friends or maybe going to a movie or a concert. Picking from a selection of one is unwise, no matter how interesting he or she may be. When the relationship hits a rough patch, as all relationships do, you’ll start wondering about what it would be like if only you had chosen someone more intelligent, more witty, or more competent on the dance floor. Dating a few people before making a choice gives you the chance to see just what kind of person fits your unique personality and your dreams.

Courtship is step 2. Courtship comes when you think you’ve found that special someone. It is the period between your initial choice and committing to making a life together. It’s a time for talks about everything and anything. Long walks and intimate dinners provide the time and the context for exciting, in-depth exploration of another person. It’s a time for learning about each other’s history, beliefs, values, and goals. It’s a time for deciding whether you think similarly about the use of time and money and your expectations about who will do what if you live together. It gives you a chance to experience how each responds to conflict and challenges as well as to easy cooperation.

Larger questions — such as whether you want children, the role of in-laws in your life, and how decisions will be made — get visited and revisited as the relationship gains depth and seriousness. Steady affection and care get added to the initial sexual excitement. Each learns how to cherish and nurture the other. When a couple is a good fit, they discover that they both love and like the person they are with and they like who they are when they are together.

Commitment is step 3. Relationships that last, that deepen and ripen into a long marriage and satisfying parenting, are built on a solid foundation. That foundation needs to be built over time and with care. If “courtship” is too old-fashioned of a term, call it something else, but don’t skip over the process. When that process is done well, both members of a couple become secure in the knowledge that they are each going to give 100 percent to the relationship and to the family they plan to build together. Only then should there be talk of marriage and sharing a home, a life, and a baby.

Society is highly specialized and interdependent, so that few of us would know how to survive without running water, electricity, and a supermarket. We’re also dependent upon our personal relationships. Human brains aren’t fully developed for 18 years, and psychological and financial independence from our parents takes even longer. Moreover, as adults we depend upon others to fill sexual, social, and emotional needs, such as friendship, communication, nurturing, appreciation, learning, love, and touch. The closer a relationship, the more we’re interconnected.

The Debate

Many claim that because we’re wired for dependency, “codependency” is normal and shouldn’t be considered a problem. They claim it’s not only natural, but healthy and beneficial to be dependent upon an intimate relationship. They blame the codependency movement for breaking up marriages and people’s loneliness. I agree that we all have dependency needs and that healthy relationships can meet those needs and greatly benefit us. However, codependency’s detractors don’t understand — probably from lack of personal experience — that codependents don’t reap those relationship benefits. Often they’re in unhealthy relationships, and they relate to others in unhealthy ways with patterns of obsession, self-sacrifice, dysfunctional communication, and control, which are both self-destructive and hurtful to others. They’re often abusive or allow themselves to be abused.

Codependent Couples

Codependent couples usually are out of balance. Frequently, there are struggles for power and control. There may be an imbalance of power or one partner may have taken on responsibility for the other. They’re often anxious and resentful and feel guilty and responsible for their partner’s feelings and moods. Then they try to control each another to feel okay and get their needs met. Rather than respect each other’s separateness and individuality, they can’t tolerate disagreement and blame one another for causing their problems without taking responsibility for themselves. Sometimes, what they dislike in their partner is the very thing they can’t accept in themselves. Despite their pain, they can feel trapped in the relationship because they fear that they cannot function on their own. Their mutual codependency and insecurity also makes intimacy threatening, since being honest and known risks rejection or dissolution of their fragile self.

Like the aspen trees, on the surface each may appear to be physically, and even mentally and emotionally, independent, yet at an unconscious level, they’re two insecure adults dependent upon each other to express a whole. For instance, a woman who has trouble expressing anger marries an angry man who expresses it for her. Or a man who is extremely closed and shy marries a woman who’s emotionally open and gregarious. They need each other to express their full humanity. In other cases, it’s more obvious that one partner needs the other for emotional stability, as in the case of alcoholic relationships. Financial dependence doesn’t necessarily create codependence, where the dependent partner has good self-esteem and emotional support outside the marriage. Even spouses who appear more capable and stronger may be equally dependent on the relationship. They need someone to care for in order to feel needed, worthwhile, and not alone, while their partner feels valued by receiving.

Interdependent Couples

What makes interconnections healthy is interdependency, not codependency. Paradoxically, interdependency requires two people capable of autonomy (the ability to function independently). When couples love each other, it’s normal to feel attached, to desire closeness, to be concerned for each another, and to depend upon each other. Their lives are intertwined, and they’re affected by and need each other. However, they share power equally and take responsibility for their own feelings, actions, and contributions to the relationship. Because they have self-esteem, they can manage their thoughts and feelings on their own and don’t have to control someone else to feel okay. They can allow for each other’s differences and honor each another’s separateness. Thus, they’re not afraid to be honest. They can listen to their partner’s feelings and needs without feeling guilty or becoming defensive. Since their self-esteem doesn’t depend upon their partner, they don’t fear intimacy, and independence doesn’t threaten the relationship. In fact, the relationship gives them each more freedom. There’s mutual respect and support for each other’s personal goals, but both are committed to the relationship.

It’s true. Research shows that half of all couples will experience infidelity in their relationship. Reasons for affairs are many and complicated and outside the full scope of this article. But there are many common factors that can contribute to affairs, and many ways to recover your relationship after an affair. (For poly or open couples, consider an affair to be the bringing in of a third party without mutual consent.)

What Creates Fertile Grounds for Affairs?

Just like a garden, relationships need to be nurtured and tended. All too often, the garden of our relationship is left unattended; weeds grow and plants die due to lack of water and sun (i.e., care and attention). It is all too easy, especially in child-centered families, for partners to focus on the practicalities of child care to the exclusion of their relationship.

Parents be warned: The seeds for a future affair can all too easily be sown in the early stages of starting a family. Neglecting your partner and your relationship for the sake of the children does not create a happy family. It creates emotional instability, especially if you or your partner start looking to fulfill your emotional needs outside the relationship. Make sure to devote some time to your relationship, too. Your children will be happier and more secure if they see parents who have a strong, loving bond, even if this means the kids don’t always get to come first.

It is also easy, especially in long-term relationships, for couples with or without children to start taking each other for granted or fall into the rut of routine. While there is comfort in structure and predictability, you don’t want to let your relationship become stagnant. Affairs are often a misguided way to seek excitement and aliveness. Unfortunately, having an affair will take you away from your primary relationship rather than toward it. In effect, you are starting a new garden somewhere else and leaving your current garden to wither in the dark. Make the effort occasionally to do something fun and different together. Why? It creates intimacy and brings growth and vitality to your relationship. As with gardening, you want to add fertilizer and occasionally turn the soil so that your plants and flowers will flourish.

Still, you could follow all the above suggestions and tend the garden of your relationship with much care and love, only to encounter the threat of an affair springing up like weeds. As Shirley Glass warns: “A happy marriage is not a vaccine against infidelity.”

To really vaccinate your relationship against affairs, Glass recommends the following guidelines. While some might find them too restrictive—and, as one lesbian couple complained, “too hetero” and another poly couple pointed out, “way too monogamous”—it is worth having them as a reference point. In the guidelines below, poly couples may want to replace the word marriage with primary relationship, but be warned: this list is definitely pro-monogamy.

7 Tips for Preventing Infidelity

1. Maintain appropriate walls and windows. Keep the windows opened at home. Put up privacy walls with those who could threaten your marriage.
2. Recognize that work can be a danger zone. Don’t lunch or take private coffee breaks with the same person all the time. When you travel with a coworker, meet in public rooms, not a room with a bed.
3. Avoid emotional intimacy with attractive alternatives to your committed relationship. Resist the desire to rescue an unhappy soul who pours his or her heart out to you.
4. Protect your marriage by discussing relationship issues at home. If you do need to talk to someone else about your marriage, be sure that person is a friend of your marriage. If the friend disparages marriage, respond with something positive about your own relationship.
5. Keep old flames from reigniting. If a former lover is coming to a class reunion, invite your partner to come along. If you value your marriage, think twice about having lunch alone with an old flame. (This may be unrealistic in the lesbian community, as exes are so often part of one’s community and even friendship circle.)
6. Don’t go over the line when online with Internet friends. Discuss your online friendships with your partner and show him or her your e-mail if he or she is interested. Invite your partner to join in correspondence so your Internet friends won’t get any wrong ideas. Don’t exchange sexual fantasies online.
7. Make sure your social network is supportive of your marriage. Surround yourself with friends who are happily married and who don’t believe in fooling around.

Let’s look at the worst-case scenario. You or your partner has an affair. How can you help your relationship recover?

Control is important to co-dependents. Many attempt to control what they can’t (other people) rather than controlling what they can (themselves, their feelings, and their actions). Without realizing it, they’re controlled by others, their addictions, fear, and guilt.

People who control their lives and destinies are happier and more successful. Rather than feeling like a victim of others or fate, they are motivated from within and believe that their efforts generate results, for better or worse. Both belief and experience enable them to function autonomously.

This article explores autonomy, locus of control, and self-efficacy as important factors in motivation and offers suggestions to help you feel a greater sense of control.

Autonomy

The word “autonomy” comes from the combination of the Latin words for self and law. It means that you govern your own life and that you endorse your actions. You may still be influenced by outside factors, but all things considered, your behavior reflects your choice. (There are philosophical and sociological debates about free will and self-determination which are beyond the scope of this article.)

Across cultures, autonomy is a fundamental human need. People who experience autonomy report higher levels of psychological health and social functioning. They have an increased sense of well-being and self-esteem. When you value yourself, you’re more able to claim your autonomy. It’s a feeling of both separateness and wholeness that permits you to feel separate when in a relationship and complete when on your own. You feel independent and are able to say no to pressure from others. Your actions are determined by your beliefs, needs, and values, which give you more control over thoughts and emotions. It’s the opposite of being a rebel or people-pleaser. A rebel’s thoughts and actions aren’t autonomous. They’re an oppositional reaction to an outside authority and thereby they become controlled by it. Actually, autonomy allows you to listen to someone non-defensively and modify your views to incorporate new information.

When you lack autonomy, you’re more controlled by what others do, think, and feel, and adapt accordingly. You react to and worry about someone else’s expectations and reactions and defer to their opinion. You might have difficulty making decisions and taking action on your own. Instead, you’re easily influenced by or seek out others’ opinions. This tendency both stems from and reinforces low self-esteem. Lack of autonomy and self-esteem can cause many symptoms, such as:

• stress
• addiction
• domestic violence
• emotional abuse
• communication problems
• worry and anxiety
• guilt, and
• anger

Development of Will

Individuation, the process of becoming a separate individual psychologically and cognitively, begins in infancy and continues into adulthood. A baby must first feel safe with its mother and caretakers. Psychoanalyst Erik Erikson believed that basic trust or mistrust takes hold in the first 18 months of development and is dependent on consistent comfort and fulfillment of an infant’s basic needs. If caregivers are emotionally unavailable, rejecting, or inconsistent, the child won’t have a sense of safety in the world.

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Erikson said, “Doubt is the brother of shame.” In the second stage, up until the age of 3, a child learns self-control, beginning with controlling its bodily elimination. Here’s where a child begins to exercise choice by saying no and expressing its wants and preferences. This builds confidence and a sense of independence. If these natural developments aren’t supported, a toddler will feel inadequate and doubtful. Imagine if your choices were continually ignored or denied by an authority figure who is your entire world. You’d start to doubt yourself and soon feel ashamed.

Because of dysfunctional parenting, codependents often lack intrinsic motivation and a sense of agency. Their connection to those inner resources hasn’t been developed. Although they may be competent – and many do not feel confident or competent in a variety of areas even if they actually are – they have difficulty motivating themselves, unless there is an external deadline, reward, support, or competition. The most effective and enduring motivation comes from within. But if you grew up in an authoritarian, chaotic, neglectful, or controlled environment, it’s doubtful that you received support and encouragement. Both those, along with the freedom to experiment and explore your innate urges and preferences, are needed to allow intrinsic motivation to develop naturally. Sometimes, parents are more permissive with toddlers and then squelch their independent strivings as adolescents.

Women and Autonomy

Women suffer more from lack of agency due to cultural, developmental, and societal influences. One reason is that girls don’t have to separate from their mothers to become women. According to Carol Gilligan, femininity is defined by attachment, and feminine gender identity is threatened by separation. On the other hand, since boys must separate from their mothers and identify with their fathers to become men, their gender identity is threatened by intimacy. (In a Different Voice: Psychological Theory and Women’s Development, 1993, pp. 7-8). Additionally, boys are encouraged to be more aggressive and autonomous, and girls are protected and stay more attached to their parents.

Often women complain that they do great when they’re alone, but as soon as they’re in a relationship or in the presence of their partner, they lose themselves. Some give up their hobbies, friends, career, and creative pursuits. They have trouble transitioning from an intimate weekend to the office, or they can’t articulate opinions about things in front of their partner or an authority figure.

Locus of Control

Beliefs also affect your actions and determine whether you have a passive or active stance toward your life. If you’ve learned from experience that your voice or actions don’t have an impact, you develop a sense of futility – a “what’s the use” attitude. You start to talk yourself out of taking action. This reflects a belief that your “locus of control” is external – that you’re controlled by outside forces or fate. You feel powerless to achieve your goals and influence your life.

On the other hand, with an internal locus of control, you believe that if you prepare and work hard, you can achieve results. You’re more self-determined and take responsibility for your actions, feelings, and meeting your needs. You don’t blame others or outside circumstances for failures and success. You mobilize resources to achieve your desires and don’t wait for signs, circumstances, or direction from others.

Self-Efficacy

Self-efficacy, a belief in one’s competence, also is important for motivation. The knowledge that your efforts will be effective is learned through risk-taking and experience. As you master new skills or experience unfamiliar environments and experiences, you gain confidence, self-efficacy, courage, and motivation to change. People who doubt that they’re able to accomplish something generally won’t try.

Suggestions

Development of self-esteem is fundamental to autonomy. Discover your wants, needs, and passions. Practice self-expression, self-acceptance, and setting boundaries (being able to say no). Take risks, including interpersonal risks, to enhance your competence, autonomy, and effectiveness. This in turn raises self-esteem and provides motivation to take more risks.

Think about your intentions and goals and why they’re important. Get support and learn what’s required to accomplish your goals. “Codependency for Dummies” provides steps and exercises to become autonomous.

First comes love,
Then comes marriage,
Then comes the baby in a baby carriage.

It may have once been fun to jump rope to the rhyme, but these days, it’s far, far from the truth. 40 percent of children today are born to single mothers. Some births are accidental — happily or sadly welcomed. Others are planned by women discouraged about finding a solid and loving partner.

What used to be understood as the order of things isn’t so orderly anymore. Baby may come first, not last, in the rhyme.

Single mothers with children rarely give up the dream of finding love and making a life with someone. Sometimes everything just falls beautifully into place. The mom meets a new love who embraces both the parent and child and all three go on to live happily ever after.

But most of the time, life isn’t so smooth. Sometimes the child seems to be an obstacle to finding a mate. One male after another says some version of, “Well, I love you but your kids are in the way of our relationship.” What happens then?

If you’re a single mother who has fallen in love, make sure you know what your sweetheart is prepared to do about becoming part of a family before you start dreaming of tying the knot. If your true love says he never wanted kids, doesn’t now, can’t stand kids, sees kids as a drain on money, time, and fun, or doesn’t want anything to do with your child’s other parent (if that parent is in the picture) or the grandparents from your ex, go very slow and see if he means it.

It’s just true. Sometimes people are so in the habit of saying something that they haven’t thought for a long time about whether they really mean it. Sometimes, a man who never thought about having kids in his youth is open to rethinking his position as an older adult. It’s worth asking.

But if he can’t think about changing his mind and folding children into his life in a genuine, loving way, he probably won’t. Marrying a man who is anti-children has huge implications for your relationship with your children and your relationship with him.

Don’t pretend that he’ll fall in love with your children because, after all, they’re wonderful. A man who goes into a relationship with children expecting not to like it probably won’t. Worse, the children will feel his rejection on a daily basis. They won’t like him and they will be angry with you for bringing him into their lives.

Don’t fool yourself into thinking that he can be minimally involved. At some point, it’s likely you’ll get resentful that he isn’t helping with the daily demands of managing a household with children. At some point, he’ll resent the time you are spending with the kids.

Don’t persuade yourself that you can be the kind of romantic partner you were when you were young and child-free. It’s harder to date when you have to cancel repeatedly because kids got sick or needed a ride or needed help with homework. He’ll resent your distraction. You’ll resent his lack of concern for your children’s welfare.

If you give in and make uncomfortable compromises in your parenting, you will lose respect for yourself. Your kids are likely to get clingy or angry or both. Yes, parents can and do carve out some time for romance but it’s always with the knowledge that kids’ needs can disrupt the best laid plans.

If you have children and you are looking for love and marriage, hold out for a man who understands that…

• Loving you means learning to love your children. They are part of you and part of your life. Yes, it’s more complicated than marrying a childless person who is free to spend all her time and affection on someone else. But it’s also more rewarding. Marrying a woman with children makes an instant family. Marrying a woman with children provides the chance to relive the positive experiences of growing up or to heal old hurts by making a better childhood for someone else’s kids. A man who embraces your children as an opportunity to have even more love in his life is someone to take seriously.
• Loving you means understanding that the kids take priority while you transition. You fell in love with your partner. The kids didn’t. They will be ambivalent, no matter how wonderful you think your guy is. They are likely to have strong feelings about not having all your attention and time. They may resist adjusting to changes that come with marriage. It falls on the adults to be adults and to put kids’ needs first for awhile. They will need help making the countless big and little changes that come with accommodating another person in their home and their lives.
• Loving you means getting involved with the whole family. To make a family with you is to get it that their grandparents, aunts, and uncles and cousins and whoever else is related by birth or by choice will be part of life as well. Kids need to be connected to their extended family as long as that family is reasonably sane. Your partner also needs to make it clear to his extended family that he now has children and they therefore now have more kids to love.
• Loving you means doing hands-on parenting. Working through differences and decisions about how both of you will encourage and discipline the kids is an important part of your courtship. For kids to grow, they need parents who are on the same page at least most of the time. They need the safety of structure and limits, the approval that is the building block of self-esteem, and the clarity of consequences that helps them learn to be responsible. A man who will spend lots of time talking through how to parent as well as whether to parent is a good bet.

When dating, it’s crucial to hold onto the things you strongly believe are non-negotiable. You probably have a top three for yourself. Maybe your priorities include finding someone who practices the same religion, who is financially solvent, or who is interested in whitewater rafting and likes walking in the rain. By all means, find a match. But if you’re a parent, parenting principles like these need to be added near the top of list. A relationship with a man who meets those criteria is a relationship that is likely to last.