This month we’re pleased to present our interview with Linda Hatch, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist who pens the popular blog “The Impact of Sex Addiction” on Psych Central. Hatch is a certified sex addiction therapist in private practice in Santa Barbara, Calif. There, she specializes in treating sex addicts and sex offenders, along with their partners and families.

Throughout her career, Hatch has worked with both adult and juvenile sex offenders, mentally disordered offenders and sexually violent predators in and outside of the courts and prison system. She also has consulted with the Superior Court, the Probation Department, the Board of Prison Terms, and the State Department of Mental Health, providing forensic assessment and expert testimony.

Hatch is the author of the book Living with a Sex Addict: The Basics from Crisis to Recovery. You can learn more about Linda Hatch at www.sexaddictionscounseling.com, where she also blogs about sex addiction.

1. What’s surprised you the most about being a therapist?

I guess it’s that after the 40 or so years I’ve been a clinical psychologist I continue to find it endlessly interesting. It is as though the work and I have gone through many changes over time and I have evolved along with those changes. I have done so many different things: teaching, research, student counseling, child psychology, crisis intervention and forensic psychology.

In the last five years I have gained a whole new specialty in sex addiction, which has revitalized my professional life yet again. I had wanted to be a therapist from a young age but I did not know how much my work as a therapist, and lately as a writer, would be continuously intertwined with my own emotional growth.

2. What’s the latest and greatest book you’ve read related to mental health, psychology or psychotherapy?

I recently read Chemical Dependency and Intimacy Dysfunction edited by Eli Coleman PhD. It’s a superb collection of articles about every aspect of the relationship between chemical dependency and human sexuality. What interests me so much about it is that it is, in part, a foundational attempt to look at common roots of chemical dependency and sex as a drug of abuse in terms of family dysfunction.

The book is truly comprehensive and holds up extremely well, dealing with every possible aspect of addiction and relationships including attachment issues, addiction interaction, codependency, boundaries, communication, shame and so on.

3. What’s the biggest myth about therapy?

I think people are sometimes too trusting of clinicians simply because the clinician has the right credentials. Therapy is a craft and not everyone is equally good at it because they had the same training. Also, not every therapist is right for every patient.

Patients need to be empowered to judge for themselves whether a therapist is someone they have confidence in. This is hard because therapy clients are usually grappling with some emotionally difficult problems and often tend to be less critical and more trusting than they would otherwise be.

4. What seems to be the biggest obstacle for clients in therapy?

For addicts it is fear—fear of the therapy relationship itself, of being open and vulnerable with another person. Addicts often have early attachment problems, which make them mistrustful of letting anyone know them. It can be an extremely uncomfortable situation for many clients.

5. What’s the most challenging part about being a therapist?

In treating sex addicts it is the fact that it is often very hard for the client to establish and/or maintain abstinence from their particular addictive acting out behavior. As a sex addiction therapist, I am torn between imposing a task oriented treatment protocol that we know works, while still allowing for the fact that everyone does recovery in their own way and in their own time.

Clients need a lot of support and structure to do what they need to do but also permission to do things in the way that they are capable of doing them given their unique set of strengths and obstacles.

6. What do you love about being a therapist?

I love that therapy has a lot in common with mindfulness practice. It involves being present, being authentic and using all parts of my mind and intuition. I love that therapy is a process that can never be completely duplicated by having the client read a book. In psychology the problems are relational in origin and ultimately relational in the recovery process.

7. What’s the best advice you can offer to readers on leading a meaningful life?

For me meaning comes out of the struggle to overcome suffering and liberate ourselves from obstacles to fulfillment. Meaning comes as we successfully navigate the challenges of each life passage. And ultimately meaning comes from bringing our knowledge and ideas to others. We cannot do everything we dream of doing but we can do the things that we can do; we can use our gifts.

8. If you had your schooling and career choice to do all over again, would you choose the same professional path? If not, what would you do differently and why?

I feel like I was destined to be a clinical psychologist. I have always been fascinated by the human mind—I think I inherited this from my parents. I was raised on Jung, Freud, Perls and other early therapists. I majored in philosophy as an undergraduate and found out later that I have an uncle who is a philosophy professor.

Much later after becoming a psychologist, I connected with another uncle whom I had never met only to find out he was a clinical psychologist! If I were starting out today I think I would be drawn to neuropsychology to a greater extent, as that seems to be the new frontier at this point in history.

9. If there’s one thing you wished your clients or patients knew about treatment or mental illness, what would it be?

I think clients don’t realize how much change is possible from even the smallest shifts in awareness. Therapy is often in the very subtle changes in perception, which allow for big changes in functioning and self-concept. A little change makes a big difference.

10. What personally do you do to cope with stress in your life?

I am fortunate to have a very low stress life right now. I believe that being in recovery myself has made all the difference, but also luck. I do what I enjoy, I am happily married, live in abundance and have meaningful relationships. Being very mildly cyclothymic myself (it runs in my family), I need to keep my everyday life balanced and grounded. Spiritual reading and meditation helps in this.

This month we have the pleasure of interviewing Gerti Schoen, a psychoanalyst and couples counselor in private practice in New York City and Hoboken, New Jersey. Before she immigrated to the U.S., Schoen worked as a professional print and radio journalist in her native country of Germany.

Schoen is the author of The Gentle Self, a self-help book about depression and anxiety, and a blog of the same name here at Psych Central. Her new book Buddha Betrayed is about spiritual abuse and the pitfalls of working with a spiritual teacher.

1. What’s surprised you the most about being a therapist?

Just how similar we all are. Everyone struggles with periods of sadness or anxiety, couples bicker about similar things as my husband and I do. The ‘human condition’ that life isn’t perfect applies to everybody.

2. What’s the latest and greatest book you’ve read related to mental health, psychology or psychotherapy?

The one I frequently recommend is Tara Brach’s Radical Acceptance, a much-needed book about how to foster self-compassion. I very much like Susan Cain’s Quiet, which will reassure all the introverts out there that there is nothing wrong with being an introvert. Right now I am reading You Can Go Home Again by Monica McGoldrick. It’s a stunning account of how our family histories make us into who we are.

3. What’s the biggest myth about therapy?

That you can bring about change within a few weeks and it lasts forever. It’s possible to change quickly, but it often doesn’t last very long without putting in all the hard work that is required to change the brain.

4. What seems to be the biggest obstacle for clients in therapy?

Accepting that life is painful and that confronting one’s issues is painful.

5. What’s the most challenging part about being a therapist?

Confrontation. It gives me anxiety when people get very aggressive with me. But it doesn’t happen very often and, when it does, I try to deal with it constructively and honestly.

6. What do you love about being a therapist?

It’s a field that never gets boring. The human mind is a vast source of ideas and feeling. You can never dive too deep; you will always find new treasures to be discovered.

7. What’s the best advice you can offer to readers on leading a meaningful life?

To accept that life isn’t perfect and pain is a part of being alive. If you can deal with that, you can deal with everything.

8. If you had your schooling and career choice to do all over again, would you choose the same professional path? If not, what would you do differently and why?

It would have been interesting to learn about psychoanalysis in my native country, Germany, first before studying it here in the U.S. to see how it is utilized and interpreted in different countries.

9. If there’s one thing you wished your clients or patients knew about treatment or mental illness, what would it be?

[I wish clients knew] that you can’t just pop a pill and all your worries will go away.

10. What personally do you do to cope with stress in your life?

[I practice] yoga, go out in nature, plant flowers, take a nap, have a cup of coffee and slow down.

This month we’re pleased to present an interview with psychologist and psychoanalyst Suzanne B. Phillips, Psy.D, ABPP. Phillips writes the excellent blog “Healing Together for Couples” on Psych Central.

She also is an adjunct full professor of clinical psychology at the CW Post Campus of Long Island University, N.Y. and on the faculty of both the Derner Institute of Adelphi University and the Suffolk Institute for Psychoanalysis and Psychotherapy in New York.

Phillips is the author of three books, including Healing Together: A Couple’s Guide to Coping with Trauma & Post-Traumatic Stress. Plus, you can hear her Wednesday nights on “Psych Up” on CoSozo Radio with host Tom Matt of Boomer Rock.

Phillips has a private practice in Northport, N.Y., where she lives with her husband. She has two grown sons.

Learn more about her work at her website.

1. What’s surprised you the most about being a therapist?

What surprised me most was how much I would receive from those who trust me with their care. There are the books and then there are the people. Working closely with people continues to invite me to think beyond what I know and feel beyond where I have been.

2. What’s the latest and greatest book you’ve read related to mental health, psychology or psychotherapy?

I just read Narrating Our Healing: Perspectives on Working Through Trauma by Chris N. van der Merwe and Pumla Gobodo-Madikizela. It is a beautiful book. Inspired by the horrific trauma suffered in South Africa and the impetus toward healing by the Truth and Reconciliation Commission, the authors underscore the capacity, regardless of history, for reclaiming self and others through the narrating of trauma.

Given the individual, couple, group and trauma work that I do, I resonate with the thesis that when we share our trauma, when we hear the sound of pain in each other’s hearts, we “make public spaces intimate.” We make it possible for someone else to hear, identify with our pain, and step beyond old wounds to connect.

3. What’s the biggest myth about therapy?

The biggest myth about therapy is that the therapist has the answers. The curative factor in therapy is not the therapist, it is the mutuality between the patient and therapist and the journey they share.

I have been teaching doctoral students in clinical psychology for over 25 years and I always remind these wonderful and passionate young professionals that they will never know more about the patient, than the patient.

What they offer is their clinical training to see and hear what the patient knows but cannot yet access because of history, pain, fear, addiction, trauma, etc. No matter what type of therapy, it is the collaboration between therapist and patient that makes change and healing possible.

4. What seems to be the biggest obstacle for clients in therapy?

The biggest obstacle is the conflict between the wish to change and the wish to hold on to the familiar. Most people are trying to regulate their anxiety and although they are in tremendous pain, the familiar can actually feel less frightening than the unknown.

Often people hold on to the most successful childhood survival strategies they know. The problem is that they are no longer needed and they impair adult functioning.

5. What’s the most challenging part about being a therapist?

The most challenging part about being a therapist is seeing how therapists and their work are portrayed in the media. My family has told me that I have ruined most films and shows that depict therapists. Once my children were old enough, they would simply say, “Mom, you can’t stay if you keep commenting about what they are doing wrong!”

6. What do you love about being a therapist?

I love seeing the best of people emerge. I love the resilience and the hope that I have seen even in the darkest moments. I love passing on in my clinical work, my books, my lectures, and my blogs—anything that will give people the tools to become experts in their own lives.

7. What’s the best advice you can offer to readers on leading a meaningful life?

Take the lessons learned from your past, set up some personal goals for your future and then live each day you are given.

In the course of that day, find a small way to include some generosity, some gratitude, some connection and some laughter. A meaningful life is in the details of how we live each day.

8. If you had your schooling and career choice to do all over again, would you choose the same professional path? If not, what would you do differently and why?

I started in literature, headed into psychology and never turned back. I can’t imagine doing anything else. It is a way of thinking and being. There is always something more to learn, more to write, more to teach and what a gift to be able to share and care with people.

9. If there’s one thing you wished your clients or patients knew about treatment or mental illness, what would it be?

That mental illness is not something they caused. It is not something about which to feel blame or shame. It is suffering that is as painful as any physical illness. Anyone suffering from mental illness is entitled to compassion and help. The damage comes when help is avoided or unavailable. With help, mental illness need not define your life.

10. What personally do you do to cope with stress in your life?

Actually I use a number of things to cope with stress. I have been running to music for 30 years and treasure it as a stress-reducing gift. I have always loved books and can become so engrossed that it is not unusual for the conductor on a train to come over to say, “ Ma’am, this is the last stop, the train is headed into the yard – you have to get off!”

I have a rule that on the weekends, I put down the work to enjoy time with my husband and I am always amazed at the revitalizing power of being together and off task.

That said, I try to be aware of the signs that I am on overload. When I start burning pots left on the stove, I know I have to drop down the stress by dropping something out. Big or small, when I open up space by rescheduling, by saying “No,” or by deciding to let something go – it always helps.

This month we’re thrilled to feature Elisha Goldstein, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist who writes one of the most popular blogs on Psych Central: Mindfulness and Psychotherapy. Goldstein sees clients at his private practice in West Los Angeles. He is the author of The Now Effect: How This Moment Can Change the Rest of Your Life and co-author of A Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction Workbook.

He’s also created other valuable resources on mindfulness, including the Mindful Solutions audio series, Mindfulness Meditations for the Troubled Sleeper and Mindfulness Meditations for the Frantic Parent.

Learn more about Elisha Goldstein at his website.

1. What’s surprised you the most about being a therapist?

How big the gift of being of service can be. I have the privilege of knowing people intimately and supporting them in being happy. When I sit with that, it gives me an immense sense of purpose. I’m also lucky enough to be a teacher for other therapists as I often train many in the field of Mindfulness and Psychotherapy. The ripple effects give me immense joy.

2. What’s the latest and greatest book you’ve read related to mental health, psychology or psychotherapy?

Well, besides The Now Effect (wink) – I’m a big fan of books that keep it simple. Thich Nhat Hanh is a Vietnamese Buddhist monk who writes simply and elegantly and I am a fan of many of his works. Taming the Tiger Within and The Miracle of Mindfulness are some of my favorites.

3. What’s the biggest myth about therapy?

That there’s an end goal. I don’t mean that people need to be in therapy for an indefinite time, but there’s a faulty notion of achieving some end state. This focus makes therapy more difficult as the mind is cluttered with an expectation instead of focusing on learning.

Even if insurance only covers 10 sessions and wants to hear the end goal, we have to always keep in mind that therapy is a vehicle for learning, and while we can begin to master certain ways of being, growing and learning about ourselves in life never ends.

4. What seems to be the biggest obstacle for clients in therapy?

Translating what happens in session into their daily life. There are magical moments of insight that can happen in a therapy session. A feeling that something has really shifted mentally, physically at times and even spiritually.

But when we get back in our daily environments we slip back into old patterns and the insights are mere whispers that we often can’t hear. A big part of the work in psychotherapy is about bringing intention to reconnect with the insights and practices from therapy into the other 167 hours of the week.

Finding ways to create reminders that work and stick is an invaluable tool. The best reminders come in the form of relationships.

5. What’s the most challenging part about being a therapist?

A couple things come to mind. The first is that at times I care so much about my clients that I take them home with me and that may affect my life outside of the office. But I’ve gotten better over time of not doing that as much and when it does [happen], there’s still a lot of meaning in it. I’m lucky enough to have a wife who’s also a psychologist and can relate.

The second is challenging myself to stay present in the face of uncertainty within a session. There are times when I’m not sure where things are going or what “to do.” It’s important to remember that there’s richness in uncertainty; to be able to “be with” it cultivates courage, self-trust and creative potential.

When you bring it into the relationship between therapist and client, it builds trust between the two. This trust is the foundation for change.

6. What do you love about being a therapist?

Living what I feel my purpose is. Being of service, there’s no greater gift.

7. What’s the best advice you can offer to readers on leading a meaningful life?

Find what is meaningful to you in life and take steps to make those actionable. Look at the activities in your day and see where the spaces are that are either neutral or depleting. See if you can replace some of these with more meaningful activities and see what happens. Ultimately as therapists we want our clients’ experience to be their guide, not our advice. This builds self-trust, which is a fundamental factor in resiliency and happiness.

8. If you had your schooling and career choice to do all over again, would you choose the same professional path? If not, what would you do differently and why?

Absolutely. I took a risk a while back leaving a profession that provided me some golden handcuffs (making good money, but wasn’t aligned with a sense of purpose for me.) I re-entered into a rickety financial position pouring everything I had and taken loans to go back to school.

It was a great risk to take. Now, I’m very happy working with people individually, running Mindfulness-Based groups, speaking, training therapists, creating the Mindfulness at Work™ with eMindful.com, a program that is currently in Aetna, Blue Cross Blue Shield and many other multi-national corporations and writing meaningful and practical books like The Now Effect, Mindfulness Meditations for the Anxious Traveler and co-authoring A Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction Workbook.

9. If there’s one thing you wished your clients or patients knew about treatment or mental illness, what would it be?

The best way to enter therapy is to see it as a learning process, not something to achieve. This drops our anxieties over imperfections and frees up energy to open up to the wonders in life we’re not seeing.

10. What personally do you do to cope with stress in your life?

I have a daily mindfulness practice, play with my kids, [take] rigorous walks, eat healthy, try and get good sleep when my kids allow it, [have] a weekly gratitude roundtable with family and practice, practice, practice self-compassion.

In our monthly interview series, clinicians share slices from their professional and personal lives. They reveal the challenges and rewards of being a practitioner, how they handle stress and their picks for great psychology books — and much, much more.

This month we’re pleased to feature an interview with Marla W. Deibler, Psy.D, a clinical psychologist who writes the popular blog Therapy That Works on Psych Central.

Deibler is the founder and executive director of The Center for Emotional Health of Greater Philadelphia, LLC, an outpatient facility that provides evaluation and evidence-based, cognitive-behavioral therapies.

She is a nationally recognized expert in anxiety disorders and the obsessive-compulsive spectrum, including trichotillomania and other body-focused repetitive behaviors, obsessive-compulsive disorder, hoarding, and tic disorder.

1. What’s surprised you the most about being a therapist?

The common experience of clients, despite the great diversity amongst individuals, constantly amazes me. Each therapy client is unique in their own life, yet when they are experiencing a psychiatric illness, their symptoms and distressing events are surprisingly like others who also struggle with their particular diagnosis.

In my practice, I frequently see clients who are seeking diagnosis and effective treatment for what they believe to be unusual difficulties, yet their experiences are not uncommon and are frequently seen in my practice.

It’s a wonderful experience, as a therapist, to be able to provide diagnosis and effective treatment to those who felt that they were “the only one” and find that their struggles are not uncommon after all.

2. What’s the latest and greatest book you’ve read related to mental health, psychology or psychotherapy?

I used to read only psychology books. It’s true. In my spare time, I read psychology for fun. In recent years, I’ve moved to other genres to give myself a break from my work. That being said, here are a few that stand out for me:

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (2012) by Steven Hayes, PhD and Jason Lillis is a great book about the basics of ACT, which has recently interested me. I consider myself to be an evidence-based practitioner and this “third wave” cognitive behavioral therapy has garnered much attention in recent years.

Internal Family Systems by Richard Schwartz, PhD (1995) is not a recent publication, but it is a book that has really left an impression on me, sparking a great deal of thought into the different ways to conceptualize and work through cognitive dissonance. A really fascinating approach to working with an individual’s inner turmoil.

Don’t Panic by R. Reid Wilson, PhD (1987/2009) is an “oldie but a goodie.” This book is the first psychology book I can recall reading (at 17 years of age) that left me amazed at the link between the mind and body. It served as the catalyst for my interest in becoming a psychologist. (Thanks, Dr. Wilson!)

3. What’s the biggest myth about therapy?

The biggest myth about therapy is that therapists are merely trained listeners and talking about one’s problems will help them feel better. Therapy is so much more than this.

It is an evidence-based science and a craft that requires a great deal of skill and creativity. Therapy is a process that involves learning to change one’s subjective experiences (thoughts, feelings, behaviors) through skills acquisition, insight, and the generation of new mastery experiences, which lead to a positive shift in one’s perception and is reflected in their more adaptive functioning.

4. What seems to be the biggest obstacle for clients in therapy?

In my practice, I most frequently use cognitive behavioral therapy, which involves homework. Practicing skills, tracking behavior, and engaging in exposure and response prevention assignments, to name a few, are frequently given between sessions.

These assignments are important to the client’s progress, yet sometimes, feelings of anxiety (and the desire to avoid anxiety) or ambivalent feelings about “getting better” can be an obstacle to overcome.

5. What’s the most challenging part about being a therapist?

The most challenging part about being a therapist is the importance of continuing to learn, and grow, both as a therapist and also as an individual. There are always areas to explore and develop, no matter how much expertise you have in a particular area.

6. What do you love about being a therapist?

I love being a psychologist. I find it rewarding to connect with people at their darkest hours to show them that they are not alone and to guide them through their difficulties toward a happier, healthier, more fulfilling life.

7. What’s the best advice you can offer to readers on leading a meaningful life?

There is no definition for what it means to live a meaningful life, despite societal ideals. It is up to each of us to make our own meaning of our experiences.

Look within to find who you are and what makes you feel good about your life and your impact on the world. Live consistently with this internal self.

8. If you had your schooling and career choice to do all over again, would you choose the same professional path? If not, what would you do differently and why?

If I had to choose an academic path again, I would likely choose the same path. I am very happy in my professional life.

9. If there’s one thing you wished your clients or patients knew about treatment or mental illness, what would it be?

Change is a process.

10. What personally do you do to cope with stress in your life?

I prioritize my own healthy stress management and utilize many of the skills I teach others to develop in order to maintain my own well-being. I engage in cognitive restructuring, practice relaxation, sleep, exercise, clean, and enjoy time with family and friends.

Structure helps me to feel in control of my stress; I make lists and organize my environment and responsibilities. My husband is also a psychologist and we find it helpful to talk with each another about the stressors in our lives.

Staying connected to friends is also helpful. Social support is a very important factor in resiliency, happiness, and well-being.

This month we were curious about how clinicians felt their work has affected their lives. Here’s what they said.

For Ryan Howes, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist in Pasadena, California, being a clinician has changed his perspective on people. He realized that regardless of our successes, all of us have stuff to work through.

Before becoming a therapist I assumed there were two types of people: people who needed help and those who had it all together. But early on I learned a valuable lesson: Everyone has their baggage. I knew I had issues and was intimidated by those who seemed to have everything figured out. As a therapist I soon learned that this wasn’t true.

Everyone, from the most broken to the most apparently successful standout, has their baggage. It took a few rounds of therapy with successful professionals, social dynamos, and even mental health experts to realize that the apparently “successful” people had their own issues they needed to overcome, and sometimes these problems were one reason they had so much visible success.

My job as a therapist was to help them accept and work through their baggage, despite the apparent success in other areas of their life.

As a result, I now find that I’m rarely intimidated by outwardly successful people. I know that most of us are either limited by, coping with, compensating for, or the product of some pain and failure. We all have this in common – pain that we’ve chosen to deal with in our own way. I like how this perspective helps me to see others as equals, yet incredibly unique.

Clinical work has helped Christina G. Hibbert, PsyD, a psychologist and postpartum mental health expert, become a better person and parent.

I chose the field of psychology because everything I learn applies to my own life too. Whether it be tools to overcome mental illness, facts about the mind-body connection, or skills for self-improvement, strengthening relationships, or being a better parent—I love what I do because it makes me a better person.

Being a clinician allows me to utilize the tools that have benefitted my life to help others become “better” too, and that is very rewarding to me. But even more rewarding is learning from my clients. As I listen to their stories, see their strengths, and witness the life changes they make, I am inspired. I get the benefit of receiving their wisdom and learning what works and what doesn’t work for them, and that helps me in my personal and family life too.

It also reminds me I am not alone in my mistakes, and that I can change if I choose to. It keeps me evaluating and improving myself, and that helps me be a better wife, mother, friend, and person. It’s a perfect cycle—as I learn and improve, I help others learn and improve, and they help me learn and improve in return, and so on, and so on.

John Duffy, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist and author of the book The Available Parent: Radical Optimism for Raising Teens and Tweens, also believes that being a clinician has helped him become a better person thanks to learning from his clients.

We clinicians, I would argue, think about the nature of our lives, and the way we live them, more than most people do as a direct result of their work. I know this is true of me. I have the privilege of learning from the processes of change my clients go through.

One client, for example, devised an affirming mantra for himself in session. He decided that, within each decision each day, he would “write the better story.” I have adopted this nearly daily in my life since then, along with countless other lessons I have learned from my clients.

I think I am a better, more aware person than I ever would have been without this profession. Couple this with the fact that I left a profession I felt particularly poorly matched with, and the work is a bonus!

Joyce Marter, LCPC, a psychotherapist and owner of Urban Balance, has gained greater insight into herself and become a better mom, too.

Being a clinician has touched my personal life in just about every way imaginable because I have had the honor to learn about life, relationships and the human experience through a deep, empathic connection with my clients. This has blessed me with cumulative wisdom and a much more open and broad understanding of life and the mind, body, spirit connection.

I am able to apply this wisdom as I move through my own journey of self-healing, discovery and self-actualization. It helps me to have the compassion for myself that I extend to my clients and understand that we are all human and works in progress.

Being a therapist also allows me to be of service to others, which is not only deeply meaningful and rewarding, but allows me to get out of my own head and see things from a larger perspective.

My work as a clinician has deepened my understanding of myself and my ability to be present, connected and authentic in my relationships. I am most grateful for how this knowledge has helped me to be a better mother and to promote psychological development between my generation and my children’s in the context of our family.

I believe that if we all work on ourselves psychologically, emotionally, relationally and spiritually, we will not only heal and grow personally, but as families, communities and a global society. I have my work as a therapist to thank for that awareness.

Deborah Serani, Psy.D, a clinical psychologist and author of the book Living with Depression, noted that working with her clients has given her a zeal for life.

Being invited into the delicate layers of a person’s life has always moved me. It takes great courage to allow another into such vulnerable and fragile spaces, and sharing those experiences has lengthened and broadened my sense of compassion. I’ve always been sensitive to others, but working as a clinician has deepened the textures of my own inner world – which in turn, has given me a passion for life I don’t think I’d have found in another profession.

This month we asked clinicians to share the hardest part about therapy. Five therapists reveal a range of challenges.

The hardest part of therapy for Deborah Serani, Psy.D, a clinical psychologist and author of the book Living with Depression, is watching clients work through their issues. Therapy is highly effective. But it requires effort and hard work. And it requires traversing potentially painful territory. She said:

For me [the hardest part is] knowing that talk therapy doesn’t always make you feel better. Making a breakthrough in therapy is exciting and meaningful for both myself and my client. However, achieving awareness sometimes requires you to be brave and fearless. Recalling memories and experiences, or changing a behavioral style, can be trying, upsetting—even overwhelming.

Being in therapy will reduce your symptoms and help you feel better, but it’s beneficial to know that the journey can sometimes be bumpy. It’s hard for me to witness my clients moving through such pain, even though I know the experience will yield important results.

Clients must get past their problematic patterns, which are tough to detach from. For John Duffy, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist and author of the book The Available Parent: Radical Optimism for Raising Teens and Tweens, helping clients separate from these profoundly entrenched patterns is the biggest challenge. He said:

I love the process of therapy, especially when it is oriented around growth and strength. I find the toughest part for me, and perhaps my clients as well, is creating movement among long held, maladaptive patterns of thoughts and beliefs. We create our deeply held thought patterns at a young age, and undoubtedly they serve a purpose for quite a while, sometimes years, even decades.

But they are so difficult to let go of when they no longer serve our needs, or they inhibit our growth. It takes strength, resolve, hope, and a bit of a leap of faith in the process to let go. When that finally happens for a client, it is most rewarding.

It’s also challenging to maintain a happy medium between letting clients rinse and repeat these unhealthy patterns and pushing positive change. According to Joyce Marter, LCPC, a psychotherapist and owner of Urban Balance:

One of the most challenging aspects of conducting therapy is finessing the balance between meeting clients where they are at and also encouraging them to grow. I believe we all unconsciously recreate patterns in our life that are familiar to us as a way of working through our issues.

When a client presents for therapy, I will honor their emotional experience and reflect empathy as a way for them to express and release feelings that may be preventing them from moving forward. I will gently but directly encourage them to identify themes and patterns in their life that are no longer working for them.

When clients are ready to make positive change[s] in their lives, they will learn from these insights and empower themselves to choose roles and relationships that promote wellness, happiness and success in their lives.

However, sometimes we need to repeat these patterns over and over until we are ready to look within ourselves and make the changes. It is difficult when clients focus on others (who they cannot control) and continue to cycle in a way that is self-limiting.

It is at these times that I need to practice healthy detachment with love–the ability to unplug from my clients’ stuff and understand that they are exactly where they should be in their journey and they will make positive changes only when they are ready.

I often refer to the Serenity Prayer, which is, “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can and the wisdom to know the difference.” This reminds me that I should focus on everything that is within my power as a therapist, such as providing empathy, compassion, insight, interpretations, coaching on how to change self-talk and perspective, and increase copings skills and awareness through psycho-education.

I need to continually remind myself to let go of that which I cannot control, such as the clients’ responses, behaviors, progress, etc. I remember when I was in graduate school, a beloved professor of mine said, “Joyce, you are very good at being empathic and breathing people’s stuff in. You need to remember to breathe it out.” Her words were very wise and I reflect on them daily as I continue to grow as a clinician.

Creating positive change is taxing on clients. And, naturally, it’s also emotionally draining for clinicians. Christina G. Hibbert, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and postpartum mental health expert, tries her best to prevent emotional overwhelm.

For me, the toughest part about doing therapy with a client is ensuring I do not get consumed with the emotional drain. I strive to be fully present with my clients, to listen carefully and feel what they are feeling. Empathy and connection in the therapeutic relationship is key to helping the client make change, and it is rewarding to get to know these wonderful people in such a deep and intimate way.

However, it can also be very draining. I used to work longer days and I would come home depleted, with little left for my family’s needs. But now I work shorter days, which helps keep my energy levels up.

I also prepare myself before sessions through deep breathing and visualization techniques that help me feel prepared to be with my clients, to empathize and feel with them while they’re there with me, but to also leave it all in my office when I go home.

I don’t let the emotional experiences “stick” to me like I used to, and that makes doing therapy so much healthier for me, which makes me a better psychologist for my clients.

Adding another person — or party — to the therapy process also can get tricky for therapists. Ryan Howes, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist in Pasadena, California, said that “triangles” can be especially trying for him.

I feel great about working directly with clients, but when a third entity enters therapy the work becomes much more difficult. That third entity could be an insurance company that limits our sessions, a spouse or loved one who undermines our work, or intangible factors like finances or schedule conflicts that make our regular meetings more difficult to attend.

Working directly and intensely with a client is empowering, but dealing with an intrusive third entity distracts us and could stunt our work. I know some of these third objects are necessary and at times quite helpful (insurance and family, for example), so I try to face them with as much acceptance and assertion as I can muster, but at their worst, they are my biggest challenge.

This month we’re pleased to present our interview with Ashley Eder, a licensed professional counselor in Boulder, Colo. There, Eder works in private practice with teens and adults. In addition to her work as a psychotherapist, she also supervises counselors toward their professional licensure and teaches as affiliate faculty in the counseling program at a local university.

Learn more about Ashley Eder at her website.

1. What’s surprised you the most about being a therapist?

I have been surprised and inspired by the bravery I see in my office. When I am working, I try to maintain a dual awareness of both my client’s reported [and] observed experience and also my own experience. Though I consider myself a pretty brave person interpersonally, I regularly notice in my own body when people have the bravery to tell me something that would have been hard for me to say or describe authentic behavior in their relationships that went against the established relationship dynamic. These acts of courage call me to live up to them in my own life.

2. What’s the latest and greatest book you’ve read related to mental health, psychology or psychotherapy?

One of the books that has made the biggest positive impression on me is Invisible Heroes: Survivors of Trauma and How They Heal by Belleruth Naparstek. This is really a survivor’s guide to PTSD. Not only does Naparstek understand the experience of trauma and its aftermath, she writes about it from such a compassionate place that it is possible to see the incredible ways that trauma deepens a person’s experience and awareness, and has the potential to create a more intuitive and empathic human being.

3. What’s the biggest myth about therapy?

The biggest myth about therapy is that going means you are sick. Going to therapy means you are interested in understanding yourself and your automatic habits so that you have more opportunities to live a purposeful and satisfying life.

4. What seems to be the biggest obstacle for clients in therapy?

The biggest obstacle I see for clients trying to participate in process-oriented therapy is the habit of approaching themselves or their issues like a particular problem that needs to be solved. In long-term therapy and insight-oriented therapy, everything is relevant about a person, and whatever comes up for them in the course of working together is important information about how they organize their experiences.

Sometimes what comes up will be related to whatever problem has brought them in, but equally often it will be the client’s reaction to talking to the therapist, the experiences the client has in personal relationships or at work, or a history of relating to the world in way that started as a child.

5. What’s the most challenging part about being a therapist?

Something I work with in myself is my own human instinct to want to fix people’s problems or make them feel better in the short run. This might sound surprising to some people — isn’t fixing problems and making people feel better what therapists get paid to do? Not really.

My job as someone’s therapist is to help them hold the entire experience of being a complex, messy, ambivalent human being. Often that looks like going toward pain so that it can resolve, feeling feelings that may have been cut short in the past, and accepting painful situations that cannot be changed.

6. What do you love about being a therapist?

I love the context of connecting deeply and authentically with another human being. So much of everyday life is actually fostered out of a place of disconnection, and I value the opportunity to be with people in a slow, deliberate, considerate place.

7. What’s the best advice you can offer to readers on leading a meaningful life?

Meaning is personally defined, and building a meaningful life means that you take the time to go inward and get to know your values, experiences, biases, and heart. Living from that place is infinitely easier when you know your inner terrain well.

8. If you had your schooling and career choice to do all over again, would you choose the same professional path? If not, what would you do differently and why?

Oh wow, this is a big question for me because counseling is not my first career and it was a winding road that got me here. On the one hand, I’m pleased with where I’ve arrived, and feel like my life experience and the time I had to work with my own issues greatly enhances the quality of my work.

On the other hand, I do wonder sometimes whether pursuing a PhD and working more in academia could have been a good fit as well. I have managed to do some post-graduate research and teaching, but it has taken more deliberation and patience than if I had followed the traditional research path. I would not trade in seeing clients though, and I understand balancing that with a faculty position and a personal life can be very tough.

9. If there’s one thing you wished your clients or patients knew about treatment or mental illness, what would it be?

I wish people everywhere had the freedom to trust themselves, and the understanding that following your own lead is what will get you where you want to go. It can take a lot of practice to open up to such deep listening, but inside each of us there is wisdom about what feels right and what feels wrong.

Your hunches, your habits, your decisions — they all come from this wisdom, even when they look like they are not on your side. When we open up to trusting these instincts, we have the chance to study them directly and can learn more about their purpose.

10. What personally do you do to cope with stress in your life?

I have quite the collection of stress-management approaches because what feels like a good fit depends on the situation and my mood. Trying to stay in a good self-care rhythm is the backbone of it all though, and for me that means regular sleep, regular exercise, food that I enjoy and that feels good in my body, time with people coupled with time alone, intellectual engagement coupled with some good old zoning out, and my own therapy or support.

An estimated 23 million Americans struggle with addiction. Many of these addicts seek AA or NA as part of their road to recovery. A number of rehabilitation centers focus on the 12 steps and urge those in recovery to continue attending meetings on a regular basis to maintain their hard-earned sobriety.

The 12-step program is responsible, in part, for saving many lives. This cannot be debated, but neither can the reality that the program is not effective for everyone. Those recovering from addiction recover in different ways, and the underlying spiritual elements of AA and NA can be confusing and uncomfortable for some.

Deborah’s story is common: Drugs and alcohol, once something she could control, began to define her life after a time. It is also important: It sheds light on the reality that recovery does not necessarily have to be found within “-Anonymous” programs. In fact, some of the principles of the steps can be frightening for people.

Deborah has been sober for over seven years, although she still and will forever describe herself as “a recovering addict.” This is the general consensus in regard to addiction recovery. Similar to chronic mental or physical illness, the nature of addiction requires those living with it to constantly monitor mood changes, life events, and triggers that may spawn relapse. Addiction is, in fact, categorized as a mental illness.

Deborah has two children, both under the age of 15, and she has been married for 23 years. She works part-time as a nurse and spends her spare time hiking and with her family and a close group of friends, many of whom also are in recovery. While this may sound like the stuff of a normal, everyday life, it was not always this way.

Deborah describes the impact of her addiction on her family:

My children were young when I was active in my addiction. I don’t believe they understood what was going on, though my husband worked to be honest with them. He told them I was sick and would become well. When I was an addict, my family, while important, were not as important as drugs. I felt I needed drugs in order to function, and I did function for some time. I managed to complete my nursing degree, but it all fell to pieces. Addiction nearly killed me, and I needed help. I finally realized, after five years of serious addiction, that I could not do it on my own.

During her stay in a rehabilitation center, Deborah was taught that the 12 steps were an important part of her success. However, she struggled with some of the core principles, the spiritual principles in particular. She is not alone.

The basic text of Narcotics Anonymous states as part of its 12 steps:

We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs… We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character… We sought, through prayer and meditation, to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for the knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

I presented these excerpts to Deborah; she was already well aware of them. In fact, she’d spent a very long time working to understand them and to apply the steps to her recovery journey. While the steps do make a point of mentioning that a person is to understand God “…as we understood Him,” implying that the program does not require a person to be religious nor adhere to any specific principles, the words do still feel stifling to those of other belief systems.

Deborah spent the better part of a year attending the meetings at least three times a week. She obtained a sponsor, a commonly recognized hallmark of the program, in order to work toward completing the 12 steps.

Nevertheless, as hard as she tried to work the program, she felt confused.

My sponsor, an exceptionally kind woman, worked to help me understand the concept of a ‘Higher Power.’ We spent hours over coffee discussing my innate reluctance to approach recovery in this fashion. It became difficult for us, as the months passed and I remained uncomfortable with the ideas, to maintain a healthy relationship with her. I realized then, after I had a year of sobriety under my belt, that the program would not work for me. I had initially assumed that because it has worked for so many people, it would work for me if I tried hard enough. I had to find another approach to my recovery. I had to find my own way.

After deciding to leave the program, Deborah and her family were anxious:

I had spent a long time thinking about what direction I would take. Instinctively, I knew the program would not work for anymore. My husband was understandably nervous. He urged me to stay and give it more time, but I had put enough time into trying to fit the mold. Yes, I was afraid, but not because I thought leaving would cause relapse. I was afraid of recovering alone.

Although she decided the 12 steps were not for her, Deborah recognized the difficulty — if not impossibility — of recovering alone:

It was sort of scary at first, but I was certain I was not the only one who needed to approach recovery in a unconventional way. I was surprised to find support groups that focused on recovery without any of the spiritual elements. I met fantastic people, and while we had meetings, we also took a different approach. We hiked together and found different outlets, doing things we had never done before. I actually skydived this year, something I never would have done otherwise.

Addiction is an isolating disease. While 12-step programs undeniably help many addicts, other options do exist for those who feel they do not fit in. The goal for addicts is ultimately to find a life free of addiction, no matter the route taken to get there.

References

Bill W. (n.d.). In Wikipedia. Retrieved September 14, 2012, from http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Bill_W.&oldid=511410040

Egan, Pamela. (n.d.). 23 million Americans addicted to drugs and alcohol. Pamela Egan: Nurse Practitioner, Diabetes Education and Health Columnist. Retrieved from http://www.pamelaegan.com/articles/addiction/

J., Deborah (surname intentionally withheld). September 14, 2012. Personal interview with author.

Narcotics Anonymous. 2008. Narcotics anonymous. (6th ed.). Chatsworth, CA: Narcotics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

This month we had the pleasure of talking to Christina Hibbert, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and expert in women’s emotional health across the lifespan; pregnancy and postpartum mental health; grief and loss; and parenting.

Hibbert is the founder of the Arizona Postpartum Wellness Coalition and author of the upcoming memoir This is How We Grow. A frequent speaker, she’s been called “The Singing Psychologist,” and often shares an original song or two when she speaks.

Hibbert is the mother of six energetic kids and has a private practice in Flagstaff, AZ. Get to know Christina Hibbert by visiting her website at www.drchristinahibbert.com.

1. What’s surprised you the most about being a therapist?
How similar we all are on the inside, despite how we appear on the outside. Deep down, we all just want acceptance and love.

2. What’s the latest and greatest book you’ve read related to mental health, psychology or psychotherapy?
My all-time favorite “greatest” book is Bonds That Make Us Free: Healing Our Relationships, Coming to Ourselves, by C. Terry Warner (I’ve read it 3 times!). Warner shows us how we “betray ourselves” in relationships by failing to act on impulses to do the “right” thing. Then, we end up fighting to protect our self-betrayal and this blocks out love.

For instance, if a dad hears his newborn cry and thinks “I should feed him so my wife can sleep,” but then falls asleep instead, he has betrayed himself. He then has to tell her all the “reasons why” he didn’t wake up (“I work all day, you know!”); she feels hurt, so does he, and the love has vanished. Understanding these principles has changed my world, and now it helps me change others’ worlds too!

3. What’s the biggest myth about therapy?
That the therapist is going to “fix” you. That’s not it at all. Therapy is a partnership, and when both parties do their part, change is the result. The therapist offers insights, suggestions, and tools, and the client implements them in his or her life. That’s what therapy is all about.

4. What seems to be the biggest obstacle for clients in therapy?
Implementing the insight gained from therapy into real life. One of the most common questions I get as a psychologist is: “What stops us (human beings) from making the change we know we need to make?”

And all I can say to that is that making change is tough business. But it’s also simpler than we think. It can take just an instant to choose to change — just an instant to make up your mind and do it.

Instead, we are our own worst enemies, standing in the way of the change we desire. My job is to not only help clients see and understand the need for change, but to help them “get out of their own way,” and let change happen.

5. What’s the most challenging part about being a therapist?
The emotional drain. It’s lovely to get to know clients on such a deep level — to be there with them in their most intimate moments. But it can take a lot out of you if you’re not careful.

I have to consciously choose to leave it all behind when I go home, and I have to set limits on how much I can give to clients so I still have enough to give to my family and myself. (For instance, at this time I only see clients one day a week. I spend the other days being a “stay-at-home-mom” while also blogging for my website and working on my upcoming book!)

6. What do you love about being a therapist?
The deep connection with clients. There’s nothing like feeling someone’s heart and helping them heal it. It bonds you for life. I also love being a psychologist for the opportunities it provides for other types of connections; through speaking, teaching, and writing I also connect with people. It’s wonderful to have a career with so many options.

7. What’s the best advice you can offer to readers on leading a meaningful life?
Make “space” to check in with yourself each day. Even 5-10 minutes to be still, meditate, ponder, or pray will make a huge difference in creating a meaningful life, for it will allow you to “unplug” and instead “tune in” to what really matters.

Ask yourself, “What matters most to me?” Then listen, and write it down. Compare everything you do each day to your list of “what matters most.” Pay attention to the things that do matter, and get rid of all that doesn’t. Repeat this process often, and your life will be full of love, joy, and meaning.

(Hibbert has written more on these topics in her posts “What Matters Most,” and “Joy is in the Moments: 3 Tips for Discovering & Appreciating the Joy in Life.”)

8. If you had your schooling and career choice to do all over again, would you choose the same professional path? If not, what would you do differently and why?
I would absolutely choose the same path. I love what I do. The only thing I might do differently is add a minor in music and songwriting. It’s a favorite hobby of mine I often incorporate into my talks and seminars, and I’d love to have more expertise in that area!

9. If there’s one thing you wished your clients or patients knew about treatment or mental illness, what would it be?
That’s there’s so much more to life than just “feeling better.” Many of us are simply hoping to overcome mental illness—to just “feel better.” But we’re shooting far too low. That’s why my tagline is “Overcoming, Becoming, Flourishing.”

I want everyone to know that life isn’t just about overcoming challenges—it’s about becoming who we’re meant to be and even living a life that’s flourishing!

Don’t settle for just “being better.” Keep with it until you’re “better than better”!

10. What do you do to cope with stress in your life?
I put myself to bed early as often as I can so I can be up early and feel rested the next day. I take an “hour of power” each morning, including exercise, meditation, prayer, and scripture study before getting the kids ready and out the door. This gets me centered and focused on what really matters for my day. I strive to give my family my full attention when I’m with them, so I’m very careful about taking on new projects that can’t be done in the few hours when everyone’s at school.

I take a little time each afternoon to rest, read, nap or relax before my kids get home and my “night shift” begins. I also know I need time alone to de-stress and I love to travel, so I try to get away for a night or two as often as I can (with six kids, leaving the house is often the only chance I get to just “be me”!).

I also take baths, walks, talk with my husband, and get a massage at least once a month. And music is a great stress-reliever! If I’m really needing help, I’ll sit down at the piano or guitar and write a new song or sing!

This month we had the pleasure of chatting with Joyce Marter, a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor (LCPC) and owner of Urban Balance, an insurance-friendly counseling practice with over 40 therapists and five locations in Chicagoland.

Marter received her Master’s Degree in Counseling Psychology from Northwestern University and was awarded Distinguished Alumni of the Year in 2008. In 2010 she was selected by Crain’s Chicago Business for the “40 Under 40″ list.

Marter currently serves as the Vice President of the Board of the Illinois Mental Health Counselors Association and an Editorial Advisor for “Wellness Times.” She has been consulted as a psychological expert on television, radio and in publications such as The Wall Street Journal and U.S. News.

Learn more about Joyce Marter at her website.

1. What’s surprised you the most about being a therapist?

The thing that has surprised me the most about being a therapist is the blessing of reaping tremendous wisdom from my clients and their life experiences. Over the past 18 years, I have had the honor to get to know hundreds of clients from diverse backgrounds. Through our relationships, I have gleaned some powerful insights that have profoundly enriched my life as well as enabled me to be of greater service to others.

Furthermore, it has surprised me that my life’s work as a therapist and my own psychological journey personally are really two sides of the same coin– each side being integral and dependent on the other. In order to be the best therapist I can be and effectively help others, I am continually dedicated to my own journey towards healing, consciousness, wellness and self-actualization.

2. What’s the latest and greatest book you’ve read related to mental health, psychology or psychotherapy?

Eckhart Tolle’s A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose is the most enlightening book I have read in the past five years. Tolle says we all have a “pain body”–the culmination of negative feelings from issues and experience that have caused us suffering.

He says we must not identify with our pain body or judge ourselves for it, but instead observe it from a neutral place as a collection of experiences that are going to help us grow psychologically and spiritually. He talks about the importance of detaching from our ego and focusing on our essence, or the inner being within that silently observes our lives.

He emphasizes the power of developing awareness of the present moment (rather than ruminating about the past or worrying about the future,) as a way of increasing consciousness and our connection to others. I believe we all could benefit from contemplating Tolle’s work and often recommend that clients check out Oprah’s series, “Are You Ready to be Awakened?” which makes Tolle’s brilliant work more digestible and manageable.

3. What’s the biggest myth about therapy?

One of the greatest myths about therapy is that the focus is on pathology and on the early life experiences. I have heard people describe the difference between therapy and coaching is that therapy focuses on problems and the past and coaching focusing on solutions and the future. I couldn’t disagree more.

Understanding the past and any negative issues we have experienced is only one aspect of therapy. It is an important step to reflect on our family-of-origin and early life histories as a way to honor the past, gain insight as to how it may have shaped and molded us, and increase awareness of themes or patterns we are unconsciously recreating.

However, therapy also helps clients accept and let go of the past as well as practice mindfulness techniques that help them stay anchored in the present moment. Furthermore, cognitive-behavioral techniques help clients think more positively and to consciously create intentions for the future, increasing the likelihood of attaining goals and achieving success personally and professionally.

Finally, therapists regularly mirror back client’s strengths to them as a way for them to psychologically integrate these concepts into a positive sense of self.

4. What seems to be the biggest obstacle for clients in therapy?

The processes of letting go and practicing detachment. I am referring to letting go of old belief systems, old relationship and life patterns that are no longer working, of the need to be right, of that which you can not control, etc. We all unconsciously cling to what is familiar and it can be difficult to let go of even the most self-sabotaging behaviors.

Detachment is a very powerful tool to aid in letting go. Detachment is the process of unplugging from a situation, from our egos or from our inner critic. It is the ability to zoom out and observe ourselves and our situations from a neutral place. It doesn’t mean we are not present or do not care–we can be detached with love and respond to others and to situations from a place that is not ego-driven, defensive or reactive. It took me years to even grasp the concept of detachment and it’s a life skill I am dedicated to continue to practice and develop.

5. What’s the most challenging part about being a therapist?

The most challenging part about being a therapist is that your tool is yourself. If you are not well, you cannot do good work. Therefore, this work requires you to continually reflect on yourself through personal therapy, clinically consultation, continued learning, spiritual practices and other growth experiences. For these reasons, therapist burnout or compassion fatigue is common and self-care must be practiced regularly and without exception.

6. What do you love about being a therapist?

I find the work emotionally, relationally, intellectually and spiritually rewarding. I have come to believe that the foundation of therapy is truly knowing and loving your clients. I believe that all the theories and the techniques are just the bells and whistles–it is through the therapeutic relationship and experience that clients heal and grow and move forward in a positive direction. The honor of being able to truly know and love clients is a gift that flows back to me, bringing more love and light into my life.

7. What’s the best advice you can offer to readers on leading a meaningful life?

Be true to yourself and live a life that is congruent with who you really are–your authentic self.

Understand that love is the commodity of life and the more that you give (to yourself as well as others,) the more you will reap.

Many people believe that if they get their external life in order (career, relationships, appearance, money, house, etc.) they will achieve happiness and wellness. I believe if you focus on the internal (your emotional and spiritual life), your external life will fall into place because you will create a life that is congruent with your authentic or highest self.

8. If you had your schooling and career choice to do all over again, would you choose the same professional path? If not, what would you do differently and why?

Yes, absolutely without a doubt. This field has given me a language and a lens through which to understand life and the world around me in a much deeper and more meaningful way. I also appreciate the many different services I am able to provide with my degree, such as counseling, teaching, writing, public speaking, etc. I feel the possibilities for personal and professional growth in this field are endless.

9. If there’s one thing you wished your clients or patients knew about treatment or mental illness, what would it be?

It is normal to have issues, the issues are part of the lesson of life–they bring about tremendous blessings in terms of opportunities for growth. In fact, I believe the people who have overcome mental illness and other extremely challenging life experiences often have more consciousness and psychological awareness than those who have not. Our psychological issues are how we are, not who we are. We are all exactly as we should be.

10. What personally do you do to cope with stress in your life?

It is often our unrealistic expectations or belief systems that cause stress, so if we can change our thinking we can decrease our stress. I participate in my own psychotherapy and find that to be incredibly helpful in reducing my stress by helping me understand my feelings are normal responses to life events and that I can “surf” the waves of feelings, rather than being engulfed by them.

I personally embrace the belief that we are all works in progress and nobody is perfect, which allows me to cut myself some slack and detach from some of the expectations that cause stress.

Also, I try not to expend energy on that which I cannot control and to practice acceptance (“all is as it is and as it should be”) as a way to avoid spinning my wheels and reducing stress.

I believe we store feelings as waves of energy in the body, so I regularly exercise, stretch and participate in massage therapy to release tension I am holding in my body. Finally, laughter is a critical stress buster. Not taking yourself or life too seriously can make any situation more manageable.

But in reality, we don’t need to do anything at all. We are enough just as we are.

In this month’s “Therapists Spill” series, four clinicians reveal when and how they realized that they are truly enough.

For Julie Hanks, LCSW, a therapist, writer and blogger at PsychCentral.com, being a performer and songwriter spotlighted her worries of being good enough. But ultimately embracing her imperfections on stage finally helped her see the truth.

I’ve spent many years feeling that I should be different than I was. I should be thinner, more talented, more confident, smarter, more disciplined. In addition to being a therapist I’m also a performing songwriter. Feelings of “not being good enough” created a lot of stress related to being on stage and offering my songs, especially in live concert settings.

I remember 15 years ago talking with one of my producers and expressing my dissatisfaction with my technical skills playing guitar and piano. He looked at me and said, “People don’t respond to your songs because you’re a great technical musician. They like you because of the genuineness in your lyrics. Just be you. Give your gift.”

The next time I performed I felt freer to be me. I’ve learned over the years to embrace the imperfections in my musical performances and use them to show that I am real. Some of the most memorable moments for audiences have been when I’ve forgotten a chord and strummed the same chord over and over while singing, “Yes, I did write this song. I just can’t remember the next chord. So I’ll just play this one until it comes back to me,” as the audience and I laughed, and then I went on and finished the song.

Another important concept about being good enough is the idea of separating my worth from my performance. My worth is unchanging and is inherent because I was born. I exist. Period. My performance, however, on any given day, in any area may be great or poor or somewhere in between.

Recognizing that my performance isn’t tied to my worth has allowed me to develop a more stable sense of self, to feel freer to express myself in all aspects of life, and to accept criticism in a more helpful way.

Christina G. Hibbert, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and expert in postpartum mental health, realized that she was enough after picking up the pieces after a family tragedy.

Even though I’ve worked for years helping others feel like “enough,” I don’t think I really internalized being enough “just as I am” until a few years ago. In 2007 my sister and her husband both died tragically, and we inherited our 6- and 10-year-old nephews just weeks before I gave birth to our fourth child, bringing us from three to six children practically overnight.

Before, there had been times when I’d felt like I wasn’t enough — as a mother, psychologist, friend, wife — but this was the first time I completely doubted if I was “enough” at all.

What I realized, over time, was that I had been measuring “enough” in all the wrong ways. Enough isn’t about what I do or don’t do, what I say or don’t say, or even who I appear to be; being “enough” is simple –i t’s about love.

Each moment I love my children, I am enough.

Each day that I wake up, out of love, and work for my family, I am enough. And even the days when I don’t feel very loving, I am enough.

I used to ask my clients, “What if you were paralyzed from the neck down and you could no longer do anything but sit there and be? Would you be enough?”

What I know now for sure is that full of love is the only thing we need to be, and loving is the only thing we need to do. When I am full of love, I am most fully me, and that is always enough.

Ryan Howes, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist in Pasadena, California, and former perfectionist, discovered the power in imperfection.

I’m glad you used the term “good enough” instead of “perfect,” because it was reading Donald Winnicott’s concept of the “good enough mother” that freed me from the bondage of my inner perfectionist.

Winnicott proposed the radical idea that mothers who display an “ordinary loving care for her baby,” with occasional screw-ups, misfires, and empathic breaches made room for the infant to develop a sense of self as well as the ability to understand and forgive themselves and others. Perfect attunement at all times prevents development in these areas.

As a young therapist, I was terrified of making mistakes that could upset the client or reveal my inexperience. But after reading Winnicott and experiencing the benefits of “good enough” vs. “perfect” a few times in session, I was able to relax.

For example, more than once through the years, I’ve failed to schedule the right time for my appointment, leaving a client without a session. In the next session, after my embarrassed apology, we usually delve into a discussion of the feelings of abandonment that were stirred up and end up having a powerful session.

Personal therapy helped Joyce Marter, LCPC, psychotherapist and owner of Urban Balance, LLC, realize that it’s OK to struggle, and this struggle doesn’t take away from being inherently normal or enough. It’s part of our humanity. She also noted the importance of focusing away from the external as a measure of worth.

To be human is to deal with the various psychological issues that therapists help clients address, manage and overcome. Dealing with stress, depression, anxiety, self-esteem problems and relationship issues are normal life issues that we all face as part of the human condition. We are not crazy or bad or inadequate. We are human.

…

I laugh because in my own personal therapy, I have thanked my therapist multiple times for “making me feel normal.” Her standard response every time is “you are normal.” I have finally integrated this belief and understand that even when feeling overwhelmed, irrational, confused, emotional or any of the other challenges we all face from time to time, I no longer view those states as meaning that somehow I am not normal or not enough. We are all works in progress and nobody is perfect.

…

We often over-identify with the externals in our lives — how we look, what we wear, where we live, our job title, our education, our relationship status, our bank account, etc. Focusing on these externals is a recipe for feelings of perpetual inadequacy as perfection is unattainable and sometimes enough is never enough.

Sometimes we focus on the externals so that we will feel good enough about ourselves to feel we deserve love (i.e., “If I lose 10 pounds, then I will be datable”). If you focus on the inside, the outside will fall into place.

As Eckhart Tolle suggests in A New Earth, detach from ego and focus on your essence — the deeper being within — your true self — perhaps even your soul. Let go of the external and focus on how you really are inside. You are already perfect, lovable and enough just the way you are.

We all know those people who try to pump themselves up with more and more accomplishments, whether it be material possessions, multiple credentials behind their name, or compulsive participation in competitive sporting events.

For some, enough is never enough and they keep chasing the external successes hoping that the internal feelings of self-acceptance will follow. In therapy, I work with clients on achieving self-acceptance and self-love. Then those accomplishments can be enjoyed for what they are, rather than a way to fill oneself up.

We asked several clinicians to describe their mottos. Perhaps their tenets will stir you to take the time to think about the words you’d like to live by.

Joyce Marter, LCPC, psychotherapist and owner of Urban Balance, LLC:

In life, we are all dealt a different hand of hardships and blessings. We each have a unique life experience that will help us learn, grow and develop emotionally, relationally and spiritually. We must each honor our personal life history to gain awareness of how our earlier experiences have shaped and molded us into who we are today.

We have the choice to let go of old belief systems and negative thinking patterns that constrain us and create our own ceilings. We have the power to attract positivity in our lives by silencing our inner critic and practicing gratitude.

In my practice and in my own life experiences, I have come to believe that some of the greatest life challenges bring about gifts such as increased consciousness, awareness, depth, perspective, empathy, compassion, resiliency, wisdom, strength, capability, tolerance, and serenity.

Our life outcome all depends on how we view the hand we are dealt. If we focus on the negative, on our egos, or on the hardships of the past we will not thrive and prosper. If we view our hardships as opportunities for growth and learning and empower ourselves to move forward in life in a way that is compassionate and loving to ourselves and others, we will succeed personally and professionally.

John Duffy, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist and author of the book The Available Parent: Radical Optimism for Raising Teens and Tweens:

For myself, I try to follow a couple of guides. First, I try to follow “The Four Agreements” as delineated by Don Miguel Ruiz in his book of the same name. The very basic agreements read:

• Be impeccable with your word.
• Don’t make assumptions.
• Don’t take anything personally.
• Always do your best.

I’ve distilled these down to two: Be impeccable with your word, and always do your best. If I achieve these every day, I believe I’ve led a good life.

I also try to keep the Serenity Prayer in mind every day: Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I calm myself with these thoughts whenever I get anxious.

Deborah Serani, Psy.D, a clinical psychologist and author of Living with Depression:

I love using proverbs and quotes to help guide me in life. I weave them into my clinical practice with people I work with too. One of my favorites for when life seems tough is the Japanese proverb: “Fall down seven times, get up eight.”

It helps me realize that no matter how many times I fall, I have the power to rise again. So this wonderful, wise proverb helps me summon resilience.

Ari Tuckman, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and author of Understand Your Brain, Get More Done: The ADHD Executive Functions Workbook:

[My motto is] Good deeds tend to be rewarded. I don’t believe in karma, but I do believe in playing the odds. Good deeds build good will, so the more people who have positive thoughts about you, the more likely it is that good opportunities will come your way. Being diligent about handling your responsibilities and being generous about helping others out builds fans who are happy to reward good performance and return the favor.

I’ve found that some “sure bet” opportunities didn’t work out as expected but also that interesting opportunities came out of the blue, so you can’t be too mercenary about it or expect a direct reward for every good deed. Rather, it’s a general mindset that doing enough of the right things will bring enough of what you want.

Beyond the obvious aspects of you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours, there is also the more subtle aspect that people like to associate with others who they see as capable, generous, and positive.

Emily Campbell, LCPC, CEAP, a psychotherapist at Urban Balance, LLC:

[My motto is] Love God, love people. It comes from Jesus’ words that the greatest commandments are to “love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength, and to love your neighbor as yourself.”

It means focusing first on loving God, and allowing His love to flow through us to others, treating them as we would wish to be treated. Our relationships with God and other people comprise our life; everything else is just the extras.

Alison Thayer, LCPC, CEAP, a psychotherapist at Urban Balance, LLC:

[My motto is] Everything will be OK in the end. If it’s not OK, it’s not the end. (I believe the author is considered unknown.)

I use this motto to highlight the significance of the journey and the lessons we experience in life. So often, we get caught up in not having what we want when we want it. This is particularly valuable to perfectionists, or “Type A” personalities who are driven and expect to get immediate results. These individuals can really struggle when the results are not exactly as they anticipated, and they may view the alternative result as a failure (also known as all-or-none thinking).

Instead, that alternative result may generate personal growth, goal clarification, or lead one to realize what they wanted isn’t what they want anymore. Or, they may get what they want, but at a later time, and they may value it more than ever.

This month we had the pleasure of interviewing John Duffy, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist, life coach and parenting expert.

Below, Duffy discusses the power of therapy, his favorite mental health books, his best advice for leading a meaningful life, how he copes with stress and much more.

Duffy has been working with teens, tweens and their families for more than 15 years. He is the author of The Available Parent: Radical Optimism for Raising Teens and Tweens.

He appears regularly on the “Morning Blend” on NBC-TV in Milwaukee as an expert on parenting and relationships. He also has served as an expert for a number of radio and television programs, including the nationally syndicated “Mr. Dad” program with best-selling author Armin Brott, and “The Lite Show” on WNTD in Chicago.

Learn more about John Duffy at his website.

1. What’s surprised you the most about being a therapist?

After learning so much about different theories and techniques, I am always surprised by the potency of the connection between therapist and client as the driving force for change. I find myself focusing more on the relationship, and the skill of listening actively, more than anything else in any given hour. The relationship as change agent never fails to amaze me.

2. What’s the latest and greatest book you’ve read related to mental health, psychology or psychotherapy?

Though it is a years-old novel, Love’s Executioner by Yalom is among my favorites, an excellent guide to what works, and what tends to drive failure, in therapy. I’m inspired by the writing of Dr. Wayne Dyer, especially (as one might guess) Inspiration, which I recommend frequently to my clients.

I also recently read The Art of Extreme Self-Care by Cheryl Richardson. I find that my clients, many of them busy working parents, feel that protecting time to care for themselves is selfish and indulgent. Richardson insists on self-care, and suggests that we cannot be our best for anyone else if we cannot be our best for ourselves. I love this book.

Finally, at the risk of seeming overly self-promotional, I suggest that all parents of teens read my book, The Available Parent: Radical Optimism for Raising Teens and Tweens. It is derived from my experience with teens and parents, and offers a method for parenting teens that removes some of the fear, and suggests teens are more likely to heed the words of parents with whom they share a joyful, loving connection.

3. What’s the biggest myth about therapy?

I find that a lot of people continue to believe that therapy is only indicated if you or your family is in crisis, or you are suffering from profound, debilitating mental illness. I find that therapy is often least effective during times of crisis, as therapists can only serve as crisis managers. I far prefer someone come into therapy seeking change outside the specter of crisis.

4. What seems to be the biggest obstacle for clients in therapy?

I find the toughest thing for clients is commitment to, and trust in, the process of therapy. To be fair, I don’t think either of these is easy, especially during an initial foray into therapy, as there is significant risk and vulnerability affiliated with engaging in therapy. Still, the sooner one is willing to exhibit the courage do so, the more efficient and effective the process can be.

5. What’s the most challenging part about being a therapist?

Personally, I’m not very good at saying “no.” So, if a situation is presented to me in which I think my work can be helpful, I tend to say yes, whether it be therapy, consultation, speaking or writing. As a result, I find that I often fail to protect sufficient time for me and my own family. Perhaps I should talk to a therapist about that!

6. What do you love about being a therapist?

The very nature of the job is a privilege. To be privy to my clients’ stories, and to play a role in facilitating, and witnessing, positive change in their lives, is the greatest joy. It’s the best possible job, and perhaps the one I’m best suited for.

7. What’s the best advice you can offer to readers on leading a meaningful life?

I love this question. There are two things. First, bear witness to your moments, as they are all you have. Second, a mentor of mine suggested that each of us carries greatness in some way. So seek your greatness. And trust that, even if you do not discover it all at once, it is there. And if you continue to work toward your greatness, you will fulfill and achieve it. This is another great joy of life.

8. If you had your schooling and career choice to do all over again, would you choose the same professional path? If not, what would you do differently and why?

I would absolutely have chosen the same path. Before pursuing psychology, I was an accountant for several years. This job was a terrible match for me and my skills, nearly comical. So, I did some different things with my life before heading this way. I experienced great joys, and suffered some hardships and losses as well. Without the richness of that experience, I don’t think I’d be nearly as effective as I am in my work today.

So I have no regrets.

9. If there’s one thing you wished your clients or patients knew about treatment or mental illness, what would it be?

Conventional wisdom dictates that therapy is difficult, and it is. But what I wish my clients knew coming into the process is that there can be great joy associated with it as well. I do like to think of therapy as a joyful process of growth and enrichment. Sometimes I think the word “treatment” does our profession a disservice.

10. What personally do you do to cope with stress in your life?

I do several things. First I diversify my career. Along with direct clinical work, I write frequently and speak quite a bit as well. These help me to bring balance to my work.

I also find it critically important to have a life outside of work. I spend a lot of time with my wife and my son, talking and laughing. I work out regularly, and strum my guitar occasionally.

I’m working toward protecting time for yoga and meditation, so I can feel increasingly more centered and energized. Without some balance in our lives, I think the best of therapists risks burnout.

And I have no interest in that. I still have a lot to do.

1. Write a better story for your day. According to John Duffy, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist and author of the book The Available Parent: Radical Optimism for Raising Teens and Tweens:

For life improvement, I suggest the reader put life on pause, for at least a few moments a day, and consider what you’d like to accomplish today, and the vibe you want to carry.

Years ago, a client of mine was searching for a guidepost or mantra by which to live his life. After much soul-searching, he decided that, with every decision he makes, every day, he wanted to write the “better story.”

The better story might be getting up earlier rather than sleeping in [or] reaching out to help someone instead of passively ignoring their need… This turned out to be an enormous gift to me, as I now try to do this every day.

2. Identify what’s keeping you stuck. According to Deborah Serani, Psy.D, a clinical psychologist and author of the book Living with Depression, “This approach gets you to be both reflective and active, [which are] two steps necessary for change.”

1) Stop and see what it is that’s keeping you stuck right now. Oftentimes it’s a blind spot you can’t see, so taking time to mull things over helps you see more clearly. Is it a decision you’re afraid to make? Are certain people bringing you down? Are you in a cycle of negative thinking?
2) Look around you to how this blind spot is touching your life. Is it only at home? Or just at work [or] school? and finally
3) Listen to what your heart and mind tell you about what you need to do. Learning to reflect on your inner thoughts and feelings will help you trust putting them into action.

3. Get to bed earlier tonight. As clinical psychologist Ari Tuckman, PsyD, said, getting enough sleep is “an obvious but often overlooked” strategy.

It’s easy to steal time from sleep by staying up “just a little longer,” whether it’s to finish the laundry or finish a TV show. There’s always something that needs to be done or some fun temptation that keeps us from getting into bed on time. The problem is that the reward is had immediately — which makes it hard to resist — but the price is paid tomorrow.

It’s not uncommon to get a second wind at night, even if you were tired during the day, so that makes it even harder to stick to your bedtime. Unfortunately, even one short night’s sleep hampers our complex problem-solving, attention, and memory and makes us more irritable and short-tempered. This gets even worse when several short nights stack up.

The solution is easy to say but harder to do: Get into bed on time and you’ll feel better all the next day and hopefully get more work done, too. Of course, if you have someone that you sleep next to, then you should both get into bed even a little earlier and try to make some things happen. This will help both of you sleep better.

4. Participate in a physical activity you enjoy. Tuckman, also author of the book Understand Your Brain, Get More Done: The ADHD Executive Functions Workbook, said:

Regular exercise is an important part of not just physical health, but also mental health. It’s also one of the first things to go when we get busy. To prevent it from getting squeezed out, make it sacred and don’t let anything else intrude.

Otherwise, there will always be some other demand on your time and you’ll never get that workout in. A walk around the neighborhood is better than nothing, if that’s all you have time for, but for the most benefit you need to break a sweat.

Working out with someone else can make it more enjoyable…

5. Focus on right now. According to Alison Thayer, LCPC, CEAP, a psychotherapist at Urban Balance, LLC this can be challenging, especially in today’s world:

This is difficult for everyone, even therapists. It can be very difficult to focus on what is directly in front of you and ensure that you are fully present.

Today’s technology and expectation to be connected or available to work at all times is one of the most prominent challenges people face when trying to be present in the “here and now.”

Added Joyce Marter, LCPC, psychotherapist and owner of Urban Balance, LLC:

Honor the past, learn from it, accept it and let it go. Don’t obsess or worry about the future. Life is more manageable when you are grounded in the present. Achieve clarity through mindfulness practices such as deep breathing and meditation.

6. Set a realistic and attainable goal. Impossibly sky-high aspirations can be problematic. Thayer explained:

Setting goals is a key step in accomplishments. However, I often see clients with lofty goals that may not even be realistic. Holding ourselves to goals that we cannot reach can damage our self-esteem and inhibit our interest in trying to reach these goals again.

When setting your mind to reach a goal, ask yourself “Is this realistic and can I actually attain this goal?” If the answer is no, consider breaking the goal down into intermediate steps or modifying it altogether.

7. Reframe a situation in a positive light. Thayer shared several suggestions for taking a different and more positive stance.

There’s a reason why the saying “When life throws you lemons, make lemonade” has been around for years. When things aren’t going right, ask yourself “Could things be worse?” or “Is there anything I can take out of this that can be a benefit to me?”

More often than not, there is a positive aspect to things that happen, even those that feel negative. Try to view it in a different light and you may find your attitude turn around.

8. Be grateful, and pass it on. “If you focus on what you don’t have, you will be unhappy and attract negativity. Be grateful for what you have and you will be attract positivity, opportunity and success,” Marter said.

Emily Campbell, LCPC, CEAP, a psychotherapist at Urban Balance, LLC, suggested “Send[ing] a short note of appreciation to someone for something you appreciated about them this week.”

9. Relinquish what you can’t control. “Empower yourself to change what you can, and let go of the rest. Don’t expend your energy trying to control others. Focus on yourself,” Marter said.

10. Create an intention. According to Marter, “As in sports psychology, positive visualization increases the likelihood of success. We largely create our own realities through our thoughts and intentions, so clarify them by writing out your careers goals and objectives.”

Thayer suggested carving out time to set intentions for the following day. “Make it a ritual and part of your daily routine, like in the shower, when driving to work, or drinking your morning coffee,” she said.