If so, were you surprised because you hadn’t even noticed what you were feeling lately? Career, home, and other activities can get overwhelming. When it’s time to take something off your plate, how do you handle it?

• Recognize your body signals. The time comes when our stressed-out brain can’t take it anymore and our body begins to suffer the consequences. Our neck and back begin to ache. Our sleeping becomes disturbed and our appetite changes. We often get sick and begin to experience pains we didn’t know were possible.

  Are you able to recognize your body signals when your plate is getting stacked up too high?

• Notice your feelings. Are you irritable all the time? Sad, frustrated, angry, overly sensitive and lacking in confidence? Take a look at your feelings and notice if the “present” you is the “normal” you. If the answer is no, it’s time to make adjustments.
• What are your thoughts saying? Individuals with perfectionism tend to have overcrowded plates. Their thinking often includes a set of negative beliefs. These beliefs can distort the way they look at themselves and others. They may think, “If I don’t say yes, they’ll probably think I don’t care about them, or they’ll hate me.” This is an all-or-nothing type of thinking.

  Is your vocabulary full of should and ought-to statements? You may jump to conclusions when you think others are judging you because you are not doing enough or fulfilling others’ expectations.

  Have you noticed your thinking patterns? Before changing your negative thoughts, you need to become aware of them.

• Give something up. As difficult as this may be, at one time or another we may need to reconsider what we keep on our plate. I had an acquaintance who often would complain about her plate being too full. I asked her if there was something she could do without. She’d proceed to enumerate all that occupied her and say they were all important for one reason or another. She was not willing to take anything off, but was willing to be a victim of her own choosing. Sadly, she made those around her miserable because she didn’t want to make adjustments. The truth is, we have a choice!
• Worries. Once there was a psychologist who taught a valuable lesson regarding stress management to her audience. She raised a glass of water that was half full. Everyone expected to hear the lesson about the “half empty or half full” glass metaphor. To their surprise, the lesson had nothing to do with that. Her object lesson was about holding the glass up and its effect on the person’s arm. The longer it was held, the heavier it became.

  She then compared holding that glass with the stresses we endure. She reminded her audience that the longer they hold onto their worries the more burdensome they become. Holding them for a very long period of time can paralyze us.

• Say no. How did you respond the last time a friend asked you for a favor and you couldn’t say no? Were you concerned about your relationship? What if it’s your boss, professor, employee, or neighbor asking? Is the answer always yes?

  You really can choose what you take on. Sometimes individuals believe they can do it all if they’d just organize themselves better. I know some people who are great at keeping and completing their to-do list. They are efficient organizers, yet they exhaust themselves finishing that list. Unfortunately, their fear — offending someone — ends up happening because they overextend themselves.

  Assertiveness training may be in order if you have a difficult time saying no. Work on your need to please everyone. Remember it’s impossible to please everyone, and you end up losing when you try.

• Prioritize. Your values and standards come into play here. At the end of the day, what is it that you care about the most? There may be days when you are overscheduled. What will you choose? Someone once said, you are what you do the most. Decide what’s important, count your losses and move on.
• Find a balance. Nutritionists tell us we need certain amounts of protein, carbohydrates, fruits and vegetables each day. What are you putting on your life plate? Orison Swett Marden once said, “Work, love, and play are the great balance wheels of man’s being.” Are you including play and love activities?
• Love thyself. Before we can attend to others, we first need to strengthen ourselves and take care of our emotional, physical and mental well-being. Taking 30 to 60 minutes each day to keep ourselves spiritually, emotionally, and physically fit is not unreasonable. In the long run, taking care of ourselves will make us stronger so we can be there for our loved ones.
• Enjoy yourself. It’s time to make that stacked-up plate lighter and go play with your children, friends, and loved ones. When worrisome thoughts come in, put them on pause until later. Taking a break is healthy and in the long run will help you maintain the balance you need in life. You know yourself — so do what brings you true joy. Only keep on your plate what “really” needs to be there!

I began thinking about this phrase and questioning just exactly how the tough get going. The reality is that we all face times when the going gets tough. Whether they are related to work, home, finances, relationships, or friendships, we all experience tough times.

So when the times get tough, don’t get discouraged and don’t feel defeated. Hold your head up, stick your chest out and find your inner strength to forge forward. Here are some ways to help you (“the tough”) get going. You may be stronger than you think you are.

• Remember it’s only temporary. “Temporary” is a funny word. We often hear it or see it and immediately think that it means short-term. However, that’s not necessarily true. What it means is that it will come to an end. With that in mind, you can rest assured that this too shall pass. Whatever the situation is, there will be an ending. It may take a while and it may not always end as planned, but it will end. You just have to remain strong and allow this notion to enable you to get through.
• Surround yourself with positivity. You many have noticed that I didn’t simply say surround yourself with positive people, but positivity in general. We must surround ourselves with positive things. These positive things can include people, surroundings, readings, and any form of entertainment. It is important to remain in a positive space. When surrounded by negativity, we become negative people. Once we become negative people, we breed negative thoughts, and eventually our thoughts become our actions.
• Pay it forward. Sometimes the best way to forget about how tough things are for you is to realize others’ struggles and lend them a helping hand. Try helping someone else and see how much smaller your issues become – even if just for a little while.
• Practice gratitude. When we take the time to recognize and be thankful for the things that we have, we tend to think less of the things we lack.
• Don’t be afraid. One of the biggest barriers to facing a tough situation is the fear of the unknown. The truth is, most of the fears we have never actually come to exist. Let go of your fears. They serve no positive purpose. They create negative energy and prevent us from moving forward.

In addition to those tips here are just nine of my favorite quotes that serve as motivation to get me going when the going gets tough.

“Sometimes we stare so long at the door that is closing that we see to late the one that is open.” ~Alexander Graham Bell

“Inside of a ring or not, ain’t nothing wrong with going down. It’s staying down that’s wrong.” ~Muhammad Ali

“It’s not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.” ~ CharlesDarwin

“Life is like riding a bicycle. In order to keep your balance, you must keep moving.” ~Albert Einstein

“The difference between stumbling blocks and stepping stones is how you use them.” ~Unknown

“He knows not his own strength until he has met adversity.” ~William Samuel Johnson

“Show me someone who has done something worthwhile, and I’ll show you someone who has overcome adversity.” ~Lou Holtz

“A problem is a chance for you to do your best.” ~Duke Ellington

“Tough times never last, but tough people do.” ~Robert H. Schuller

It is my sincere hope that you find this article to be motivating and inspiring – that you will take at least one thing and let it be the one thing that helps you get going when the going gets tough.

Once I learned the initial basic stitches, I was hooked (pun intended). I spent hours in my dorm room crocheting scarves or just crocheting a single stitch over and over. I would go into a completely meditative state and even if there was music or a TV on in the background, I never really absorbed what I was hearing. Now, many years later, crochet is my go-to therapy. In moments of stress and anxiety, my fingers begin to itch for the feel of the hook in one hand and the yarn in the other.

Kathryn Vercillo has written a book that accurately describes that experience and the experience that many others go through when turning to crochet for comfort or relief. Crochet Saved My Life looks deep into the healing power of crochet, knitting, and other needlecraft work, both mentally and physically. Vercillo is a freelance writer, blogger, and crafter whose experience with depression and the relief she found in crochet inspired the book. In it, she describes how she summoned up the strength to drop the knife she once held at her wrist and replace it with a spool of yarn.

In addition to telling her own story, Vercillo tells the tales of many women and men who have found comfort, peace, and solace in the craft. Her book is separated into sections that address the affects of crocheting/knitting on various mental and physical conditions. In addition to the main chapters are the full stories of people she interviewed for the book, including their personal struggles and how crocheting or knitting came to be a part of their recovery or treatment. Her subjects have been through depression, anxiety, OCD, schizophrenia, multiple sclerosis, and Menière’s disease. In her discussion of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Vercillo refers to Monique Lang, LCSW. Lang’s quote sums up the chapter on PTSD: “When life has done something that treats you horribly, you need to go overboard in treating yourself well to make up for that while you are healing.”

The author’s introduction is poignant. “Crochet can serve as a form of meditation,” she writes. “It provides you with a focused task that distracts you from the drama that sometimes takes over the brain and tries to wreak havoc there. And it allows you to feel like you are producing and creating something even when you can’t get out of bed and you can barely open your eyes to notice the passing of one day into another.”

But Vercillo is careful to point out that crochet is not a cure-all, nor the only method to combat a mental or physical condition. When discussing the calming effects crochet may have on symptoms of schizophrenia, she points out that the evidence she has to support her claim is minimal and relies heavily on stories shared by interviewees. She reminds us many times that she is not a medical professional in any capacity. She is simply sharing an experience that she has had and that many others seem to have in common. Still, Vercillo does not just use anecdotes to support her claim: Her list of references is substantial and included at the end of the book, with sources ranging from journal articles to governmental documents.

The back of the book also provides a list of resources for crocheters. There are online communities, classes, and professional organizations, interesting websites that discuss crocheting/knitting in relation to various conditions, and recommended books.

My one complaint about the text is the sections describing the individual tales of the interviewees. Although these histories are important for filling in gaps and clarifying how crochet or knit played into these people’s lives, Vercillo shares so much of the details within the main chapters that the individual sections dedicated to them feel redundant. I grew tired of rereading these people’s stories when I had just read them only a few pages prior. At times, they seemed like page fillers rather than informative parts of the book.

Overall, though, Crochet Saved My Life is a worthwhile read. As an avid crafter and crocheter, I found the book at times enlightening, and could relate to much of it. Vercillo’s ability to weave statistics and reports into her narrative is also impressive. Her tone is friendly and sensitive while also being professional and direct—she does not sugar-coat or play down the intensity that can be found within each individual condition she addresses. Nor does she attempt to trump modern medicine or therapy with the value of needlework.

The author’s message, simple as it may be, is that the meditative power of crochet and knit could potentially bring a wealth of comfort and clarity to the suffering and the stressed. I, for one, could not agree more.

Crochet Saved My Life
CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform, April, 2012
Paperback, 304 pages
$17.95

All are good ideas if the problem merely is that you need a jumpstart to the work week. But such suggestions are beside the point if there is a real and important underlying issue that needs to be addressed. Sometimes the resistance to Monday is an inner emotional alarm going off. If that’s the case, taking a cold shower or drinking a cup of coffee won’t solve your Monday Blues any more than taking the battery out of a smoke detector will stop a fire.

Hate Mondays? Maybe you aren’t paying attention to one of these signals:

1. Your job isn’t really “workable.”

Let’s face it: For many, work has become much more demanding in the last 10 years. As companies cut personnel to cut costs, those left are expected to do more and more. Those who have been in their jobs for a long time often have high personal standards for quality that are almost impossible to meet with the increased workload. It’s exhausting and discouraging to feel like “the hurrieder you go, the behinder you get.” It may be appropriate to talk with your supervisor about adjusting your own or the company’s standards. If that’s impossible, it may be time to consider whether you can find a different job.

2. Your job isn’t satisfying.

Only a lucky few have jobs that are thrilling, satisfying, enjoyable, and enriching every minute of every day. Most of us have a whole lot of routine mixed in with occasional periods of excitement, or at least satisfaction. If those moments are few and far between, get busy. You may be able to up the portion of the time that you are happy in your work. Is there a project you could take on that would renew your interest? Is there a way to change your job within the company, either by going for a promotion or through a lateral move that would give you new opportunities? Does the human resources department offer workshops you could take to develop new skills?

3. Your life is out of balance.

“All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy” (or Jane a cranky girl.) It’s an old saying that is never irrelevant. If your life is work, work, work, of course you feel out of sorts. No matter how important our work is, we need to remember to refuel through self-care. That includes developing a hobby or interest, taking time for some fun and vacations (or stay-cations), and doing the usual daily regimen of eating right, sleeping enough, and getting some exercise. If you only take care of yourself on weekends, Monday morning is the beginning of five days of deprivation. Not good. Take the time to reassess how you are managing the balance of your life during the week.

4. Your job is hostile to your relationships.

Jobs that require long hours, or that require you to take work home or put in time on the weekends, are killers to family life and friendship maintenance. It’s sad to see parents at kids’ events who couldn’t leave their laptops at home. Friends get impatient with friends who interrupt a social evening to take a business phone call. Yes, these folks are in attendance, but they aren’t really there. Your discontent with your job may be a signal that you are missing out on too much of the warmth and intimacy you need from your relationships. Take a careful look at how you can manage the demands of your job in such a way that it doesn’t cost you love.

5. Your attitude toward work needs adjustment.

We do get what we expect. For some people, work is a four-letter word. Work is, well, “work.” It’s seen as the opposite of fun, the nasty dinner you have to eat before you get to have dessert. When a person has developed an attitude that any work or chore or required activity is a major distraction from enjoyment, Monday morning is, by definition, a downer. If that’s the case, it’s time for an attitude transplant. Unless you are one of the fortunate few to win the lottery or to inherit a trust fund, you’ll be working a great many hours of your life. Better to find a way to embrace it, and, yes, even enjoy it.

6. You are struggling with depression.

Depression can sneak up on a person. It may not be the job that is pulling you down. It may be that you are becoming clinically depressed. Is your appetite off? Are you having trouble getting to sleep or staying asleep? Has your interest in sex plummeted? Does doing things that used to be pleasurable for you seem like just too much effort? These could be the signs of depression. Consider going to see a mental health counselor for an evaluation. If you are depressed, the counselor will discuss possible treatment options. This may include some medication and some talk therapy to help you get back to your old self.

Before you buy into the notion that Mondays are awful and simply can’t be changed, take another look. It’s important not to ignore the possibility that the awfulness resides in your choices, not in a day of the week. If that’s the case, you do have the option to make it better. Confront the issue, make some changes (and maybe give yourself that splash of cold water and a cup of coffee), and you can make Monday the start of a productive and satisfying week.

Religion

All world religions stress the importance of gratitude. In Judaism, prayers of gratefulness are an essential component of worship: Orthodox Jews recite them one hundred times a day. Gratitude was referred to by Martin Luther as a “basic Christian attitude.” The Koran states that the grateful will be given more. Muslim believers are encouraged to give thanks five times a day. Sufi, Hindu, and Buddhist traditions also emphasize giving thanks.

Moreover, religious traditions suggest that you should be grateful notwithstanding your current problems and circumstances – not to deny them, but in addition to and in spite of them. To feel gratitude only when you feel good is considered narrow-minded. In the Bible, Paul teaches, “In everything give thanks.” The Hebrew Midrash instructs, “In pleasure or pain, give thanks!” Islamic tradition says that those who give thanks in every circumstance will be the first to enter paradise.

The purpose of prayer is to open people to the presence of God. When it’s heartfelt, it is life-altering. Prayers of gratitude affirm God’s presence in everything and make our actions infinitely more effective.

Why Be Grateful?

Meister Eckhart, a well-known mystic, believed that thanking God was the most important prayer. Prophets and monks know that gratitude brings you closer to God. Even if you’re not religious, gratitude enables you to see your life in a larger context beyond your immediate troubles. It expands your life experience. It counteracts an ego-centered contraction and preoccupation with losses, fears, and wants. Being grateful only when good things happen reinforces your ego’s demand that good things happen, setting up greater disappointment when things don’t turn out as you desire. This, according to Buddha, is the cause of suffering.

The sages also knew that gratitude actually shifts your perspective from feeling depression, envy, anger, or self-pity to happiness. It can open your heart to joy and generosity, because you begin to feel that you’re blessed. Moreover, how you view your circumstances determines your ability to manage and overcome them. Often it’s worry or anxiety about the future that colors how you see a situation. Negative emotions limit your imagination and ability to cope and solve problems. Hence, your state of mind ultimately is more important than your outer experience.

Cultivating an attitude of acceptance enables you to feel grateful even when you’re in pain. It’s helpful to view all experience is an opportunity to grow and learn. Helen Keller wrote, “Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence, and I learn whatever state I may be in, therein to be content.” Rather than seeing yourself as a victim of circumstance, accepting reality and developing gratitude for what you do have vs. focusing on what you don’t empowers you to take appropriate action.

Gratitude has only been subjected to empirical research since the advent of the positive psychology movement. What religion has known for millennia, science has confirmed. Numerous studies suggest that grateful people are more likely to have higher levels of happiness and sense of well-being and lower levels of stress and depression. This naturally translates into better physical health.

Developing an Attitude of Gratitude

Gratefulness comes more easily to some than others. When you’re discouraged or weighed down with negative thoughts, there are several things you can do to develop an “attitude of gratitude:”

1. There’s wisdom in the phrase “count your blessings.” Listing the things for which you’re grateful can generate feelings of appreciation and gratitude. It’s often suggested to write them down daily. You can start with the fact that you have a brain, can write, and can read. Add small things, for example, seeing a child smile, receiving affection from a pet or greetings from a co-worker, or accomplishing a task, such as doing laundry or taking a walk. After several days, you’ll begin to look for things to add to your list and find that your mood significantly improves – faster than taking an anti-depressant.
2. Read your list to someone. Sharing your grateful feelings doubles the effect. Arrange to regularly share your gratitude lists and give thanks together. Praying together heightens your sense of connection and well-being.
3. Express thanks daily. Doing so out loud has more power. In the morning and evening, and before meals, recite prayers of gratitude, or just say thank you to your higher power.
4. Thank others. Throughout the day, thank others for their help — particularly people you don’t ordinarily thank, such as cashiers. This is a recognition that you depend upon many people in order to survive and acknowledges your interdependent existence. The same is implicit in saying grace for the labor that goes into food on your table.
5. Compliment people. Giving compliments shows appreciation and lifts others’ mood as well as yours.
6. Write notes. Put them on your refrigerator, mirrors, and computer to remind you to be thankful.
7. Think about people you appreciate. The act of visualizing them with positive feelings opens your heart to gratitude.
8. Write people unexpected thank-you notes. Writing your appreciation prompts loving feelings that engender gratitude.
9. Do small acts of generosity. Give someone your place in line, help someone pay for a purchase, or bring food to a neighbor.
10. Thank yourself at the end of the day for things you did well. List at least three things. They may be small and include the above acts of gratitude.

In time, you’ll notice a change in your mood until your “cup runneth over” – or, at least appear half full rather than half empty.

The teen I was talking with yesterday was perplexed. “How come I can’t keep friends?” she wanted to know. “I’m nice. I’m decent looking. I like to do stuff. Why don’t people want to hang out with me?”

“How much do you work at it?” I asked.

“What do you mean work? I mean, friendships aren’t supposed to be hard. They’re supposed to be, like relaxed.”

We have work to do. This young woman has over 500 friends on Facebook but has no one to go to the movies with and she really, truly doesn’t understand why. She hasn’t learned the basic fact of friendship: To make a new “friend” (especially on Facebook) is relatively easy. To keep one takes commitment.

Yes, commitment. Real friends are obligated to each other in a meaningful way. To be a friend is to accept the gift of another’s trust with the appreciation and trustworthiness such a gift deserves. It requires the willingness to devote time, energy, and thought to the other person’s needs and desires as well as to our own. The reward is a rich and satisfying relationship that can last a lifetime.

To the teen, I say: “Think about it this way. You know that car your family just got? Nice, isn’t it? Well, it will only stay nice if you take care of it. That means not being too rough with it, taking care of minor problems before they become major ones and doing routine maintenance like oil changes. Right? When you do, the car is reliable and is there for you when you need it.

“Friendships are like that. You need to take care of them to keep them going. You can’t be too rough with them. You have to take care of minor problems before they balloon into major ones. You have to do routine maintenance like keeping in touch, doing thoughtful things and never taking the person for granted. When you do, the friends are reliable and you are there for each other in an important way.”

Here’s the “owner’s manual” for the care and maintenance of friendships:

• Keep in contact. Good friends don’t let a lot of time slip by without connecting. Long conversations are often interspersed with quick texts, fly-by hellos, and email check-ins. Friends are woven into the fabric of our lives in a regular way. A friend wants to know about our life and wants to have opportunities to share in it when it’s possible. Yes, there are some friends who lose touch for decades and pick up right where they left off. But in the meantime, they lost all those years of each other’s company and all those opportunities to deepen the relationship.
• Don’t keep score. Friends don’t worry about who made the last phone call or invitation or who gave the most expensive birthday gift. They have confidence that over the long run everything will balance out, sometimes in unexpected ways. I remember talking with a teen who wouldn’t call her friend to go to the beach because she thought it was her friend’s turn to invite her to do something nice. Please. There are lots of reasons why people legitimately can’t return a favor, an invitation, or a phone call immediately. Sometimes one friend’s life is just less complicated than the other’s. There are likely to be periods of time when one or the other has more leisure, more money, or more time. Friendship doesn’t wait for life to make everything exactly even.
• Do keep it balanced. Good friends feel equal in the relationship. When a friendship is healthy, roles shift easily. They share stories. They listen attentively. They treat and are treated. They look to each other for wisdom without feeling inferior for doing so. They share their opinions without feeling superior. Neither person feels taken for granted, put down, or put on a pedestal. True companions in life walk side by side.
• Be loyal. Friendship requires loyalty. Friends don’t talk about each other in negative ways with others. They don’t repeat rumors or gossip that would hurt their friend. They stand up for each other and watch each other’s back. Good friends can relax in the knowledge that their frailties and faults are accepted, even loved, and aren’t fodder for gossip with others.
• Remember their birthdays. Little things really do count. Good friends are thoughtful. They remember important events in their friends’ lives and acknowledge them in some way. They show up to share in the ordinary as well as the celebrations. Regular small gestures of friendship, such as stopping by their desk with a cup of their favorite coffee or offering to do an errand, are thoughtful ways to say, “You’re special”.
• Deal with conflict. Conflict is inevitable in any human relationship. Friends don’t let minor problems fester and grow into big ones. They give each other the benefit of the doubt. They work on maintaining the relationship even when they disagree. That means being willing to be uncomfortable and to work through a problem rather than bail.
• Be a fan. Real friends celebrate their friend’s achievements and don’t feel diminished in comparison. They let each other know how much they appreciate each other. They admire things about each other that are admirable. They encourage each other’s efforts to grow. They cheer each other on.
• Follow the Golden Rule. People who have long-term friends abide by the “golden rule.” They do their best to treat their friends as they wish to be treated. They pay attention to their friend’s good qualities, help with their struggles, and accept them for who they are. They do their share to care for and maintain the relationship.

All this takes thought, time, and, yes, work. Although we can have hundreds of “friends” on Facebook, most of us can be truly committed to only a few very special people in our lives. These are our “best” friends, the people who share our life journey and who enrich us in a special way.. Like caring for anything we treasure, doing the maintenance is its own pleasure. The reward is a relationship that continues to be as delightful and interesting as it was when it was new.

Fortunately, self-acceptance is something we can nurture. Look at it as a skill that you can practice versus an innate trait that you either have or don’t.

Below, clinicians reveal 12 ways we can cultivate self-acceptance.

1. Set an intention.

“Self-acceptance begins with intention,” according to psychotherapist Jeffrey Sumber, MA. “It is vital that we set an intention for ourselves that we are willing to shift paradigms from a world of blame, doubt and shame to a world of allowance, tolerance, acceptance and trust,” he said. This intention acknowledges that self-loathing simply doesn’t lead to a satisfying life. “If I set my intention that a life with self-acceptance is far better than a life of self-hatred then I begin a chain reaction within my being geared to a life of peace,” Sumber said.

2. Celebrate your strengths.

“We are much better collectors of our shortcomings than our strengths,” according to Ryan Howes, Ph.D, a psychologist in Pasadena, California. Psychologist John Duffy, PsyD, agrees. “[Many people] fail to see their strengths and cling to antique scripts they carry about their lack of worth,” he said.

Duffy helps his clients hone in on their strengths and abilities by writing them down. If you’re having a tough time coming up with your list, name one strength each day, he said. Start with something basic like “I’m a kind person,” said Duffy, also author of The Available Parent. “Typically, lists evolve as the script loses its strength, and people recognize they are intelligent, and creative, and powerful, and articulate, and so on. Sometimes, we can’t see ourselves until we clear the weeds,” he said.

Howes suggested making a similar list: “Make a list of all the hardships you’ve overcome, all the goals you’ve accomplished, all the connections you’ve made, and all the lives you’ve touched for the better. Keep it close by, review it frequently, and add to it often.”

3. Consider the people around you.

What kinds of people do you surround yourself with? Sumber suggested asking yourself these questions about the people in your life:

Who speaks negatively to me? Who reinforces negative self talk? Why do I allow such people to hurt me? Are they just doing my own dirty work because I’m not willing to choose a different reality?

4.Create a support system.

Distance yourself from people who bring you down, said Joyce Marter, LCPC, a psychotherapist and owner of Urban Balance, LLC. Instead, “Surround yourself with people who accept you and believe in you,” she said.

5. Forgive yourself.

Past regrets can prevent us from practicing self-acceptance. Forgive yourself, and move on. “Whether it’s about something you’ve done or a personality quirk that resulted in a social faux pas, it’s important to learn from the mistake, make efforts to grow, and accept that you can’t change the past,” Howes said.

When the tinges of remorse resurface, remember these words, he said: “I made the best decision with information I had at the time.” “The behavior or decision might not seem correct in hindsight, but at the time it seemed like the best choice,” Howes added.

6. Shush your inner critic.

Many people equate their inner critic with a voice of reason. They think their inner critic is simply speaking the truth. But if you wouldn’t say it to a loved one, it’s not honesty or sincerity. It’s unwarranted — and harsh — judgment.

To quiet your inner critic, Marter suggested choosing a realistic mantra. “I believe in the power of mantra and encourage clients to select a mantra that is normalizing, calming and encouraging during times when the inner critic rears its ugly head,” she said. For example, you could use: “I am only human, I am doing the best that I can and that is all I can do,” she said.

As Marter said, “Our mistakes and our imperfections are not bad or wrong or failures–they are the fingerprints of humanity and opportunities for learning, healing and growth.”

7. Grieve the loss of unrealized dreams.

“Many of our problems with self-acceptance come from our inability to reconcile who we are as compared with the idealized dreams of our youth,” Howes said. Maybe you dreamed about becoming an Olympic athlete or a multi-millionaire or staying married forever or having a big family, he said. Whatever your dreams or goals, mourn that they didn’t come to pass, he said. Then “get back to being the best you possible.”

8. Perform charitable acts.

“When you sacrificially give to others, you see how your deeds are a positive influence on other lives. It becomes more and more difficult to maintain the idea that you are no good when you see how your deeds help other people,” Howes said.

9. Realize that acceptance is not resignation.

Marter described acceptance as letting go of the past and the things we cannot control. This way, “you can focus your energy on that which you can [control], which is empowering,” she said. In fact, for some people accepting that they have a problem is the first step to making positive changes, she said.

10. Speak to your highest self.

Marter suggested readers try the following activity that includes imagining and interacting with your highest or best self.

I often ask my clients to visualize their highest and best self that lies deep within them. I ask them to imagine that highest self stepping outside of them and looking at them in their current life circumstance or situation. I ask the client to imagine what this highest or best self advises them to do.

This process of visualizing a separation or detachment from the current [or] suffering self often helps clients tap into the wisdom that already lies within them — their highest self — to promote healing.

This exercise teaches clients how to be their own best parent and demonstrate empathy, compassion and love towards the self. I advise clients to take a few minutes to meditate and practice this visualization whenever they are in crisis [or] need some direction or some self-soothing.

11. Be kind to yourself.

Many people are hesitant to show even a shred of self-kindness because they see it as selfish or undeserved. But the key to self-compassion is “to understand that weakness and frailty are part of the human experience,” according to Deborah Serani, PsyD, a psychologist and author of Living with Depression. “Coming to accept who you are involves loving yourself because of your flaws, not in spite of them,” she said. You’ll find more on practicing self-compassion here and here.

12. Fake it ‘til you make it.

If you’re unconvinced that you’re a worthy person, keep the faith and keep at it. Keep practicing self-compassion along with the other suggestions. “Most of us do not have direct communication from our deity of choice, yet we take the leap and trust that our God is true and real. The same goes for our self-acceptance. I first must think and do before I know,” Sumber said.

Stephanie Dowrick attempts to answer this question in her book, Everyday Kindness: Shortcuts to a Happier and More Confident Life. 

Dowrick organized the book into eight sections: Kindness, Personal Power, Self-Confidence, Relationships, Identity, Children and their Parents, Moods, and Work.  Composed of short chapters — average length is about three pages — she elaborates extensively on how kindness can affect and change these aspects of our lives.  In her introduction, Dowrick claims “kindness is the quality that brings appreciation—and consideration—to life.” Bearing this in mind, she says that taking kindness as a privilege and a responsibility would create a “safer, friendlier and far more appreciative world.”  It is through this work that Dowrick attempts to encourage others to join in her endeavor to the more peaceful world that she describes.

Dowrick’s writing is eloquent and her thoughts on kindness run deep.  Rather than commanding a list of “kind” things to do, she has a specific topic that she focuses on in each section.  For instance, in the Relationships section, she emphasizes the following:

• Relating, not working, is important in relationships (“Don’t Work At It!”)
• Romance is important in a marriage (“Long Live Romance”)
• Power needs to be shared within the home (“Housework, Sex and Power”)

She does resort to lists in a few chapters; however, she takes time to elaborate on each list item so that the reader is clear on its meaning.  Her list of insights as a parent is focused on how to raise a calm, happy child.  One of the list items, “Talk Less,” explains that keeping explanations short is better for parents and for children.  Dowrick says, “Children can quickly feel overloaded or invaded by too much talk, especially when it’s top-heavy with opinions and instructions.”

The two sections that resonated most with me were “Personal Power” and “Self-Confidence.”  When I think of acting kindly, my first thought is not about being kind to myself; rather, I think immediately of ways to be kind to others.  However, as Dowrick points out, being kind to ourselves is necessary so that we can better care for ourselves.  When we care for ourselves, we are better equipped to care for others. 

“Personal Power” is devoted to explaining the power that each person holds and the multitude of ways that it can be expressed.  Dowrick discusses the importance of choosing — specifically, choosing happiness.  Making choices is an act of self-determination. Continually making choices, whether right or wrong, plays a strong role in our sense of self.  She goes on to explain how even when struck with a great loss, the choice is still there to make: continue to be grief-stricken or begin a road to recovery?  “It takes courage to speak up frankly about our toughest losses.  It takes more courage still to accept care from others, especially when that’s often clumsy and inadequate.” 

This choice, and others that may not be quite as difficult, will directly affect a person’s state of happiness.  It is up to them to choose kindness and follow the path they have chosen.

The section on self-confidence focused on the importance of being kind to ourselves.  How do we act kindly to ourselves?  For starters, we can speak up for ourselves when we disagree with a situation or a person. Standing up for what you believe in will boost your self-confidence. 

Physically taking care of yourself is another way to be kind to yourself.  Dowrick provides a list of healthy habits to help that along.  She includes items like “eat slowly,” “take more steps,” and “eat when you are hungry.”  While these seem common-sensical, some struggle with them daily.

Dowrick notes that food is not a substitute for positive emotions such as self-acceptance, trust and kindness. She rounds out the section with a discussion on our daily assumptions about ourselves and others. She points out that we extrapolate our own body or self issues onto others and believe that they think negative things about us.  By creating this negative thought in our own mind, we come to believe it is real. We must be aware of what we are attributing to others and what actually belongs in our thoughts. 

As much as I enjoyed reading this book, I would warn those interested in reading it to consider it more as a meditation. Read a chapter a day; savor it mindfully. Dowrick has many points to make and many thoughts to share.

Everyday Kindness: Shortcuts to a Happier and More Confident Life
By Stephanie Dowrick, PhD
Tarcher: September 13, 2012
Paperback, 384 pages
$15.95

It attempts to explain what happiness in its various forms means to all of us.  By “all of us,” I mean the wealthy to the poor and everyone in between.  That includes the young and old, the intelligent and the ignorant, and the followers of all types of religions  as well as nonbelievers.

Leo Bormans tries to define exactly what happiness is, what it is supposed to do for people and how to obtain it.  He also considers whether happiness is something that can be bought, taught or learned?

The author generally describes happiness as “The degree to which an individual judges the overall quality of his/her own life-as-a-whole favorably.”  In other words, to what extent a person likes their life .

Happiness, as a very subjective concept, is very personal and intimate for each individual.  To gain broad insights that people can use to help find their own happiness, Bormans traveled all over the world to “pick” the brains of many professionals from Canada, England, Spain, Samoa, the United States and elsewhere.

Of course, some elements of happiness are not ours to control. There are random factors include things like  health, genetics, being born into poverty or riches and how one is raised to think about happiness.

Amid his travels, he does address the age old question of “Can money buy happiness?” The answer is yes, to an extent.  In other words, a certain amount of security is definitely helpful to most people’s happiness.  However, after a certain point, more money doesn’t add to that happiness.

While most believe that happiness comes from within, “positive relationships” with other people can enhance it. That’s as long as it’s done with care and comes naturally.

Most people probably believe youth as the happiest time of life.  Although there are many ways in which this is true, Bormans finds that one shouldn’t assume that being older is an “unhappy” time.

Leo Bormans has done well describing the indescribable and then offering ways to obtain it.  Everyone should read this book. I believe this would be a very good topic to be studied in schools.  Happiness, though difficult to pin down, is definitely something we all look for in our lives. We try to teach our children how to make a living, about political systems and how every corner of the world affects each of us. Why not teach them about the one thing that we all want for our children?

Everyone has had problems that could “spin” them into an “unhappy” life.  A conscious efforts can often prevent that downward spiral.  I have fibromyalgia, a medical condition that is causes constant pain and can get in the way of enjoying life. I let it make me depressed, until I accepted that as far as I know this is my only life. Since no one can fix my problem, I refuse to spend my precious days being a victim. I make every effort to find reasons to smile and be thankful.

Coming from this  perspective, I believe author has done an excellent job achieving his goal of telling us how to decide what happiness is to us. He also shows realistic ways of obtaining it with what tools we have, no matter what limitations we may have.

The World Book of Happiness
Leo Bormans
Firefly Books,  2011
Paperback, 352 pages
$19.77

Using the latest research on brain science plus well-supported theories, Impellizzeri does a solid job of setting the stage before addressing the ultimate question underlying her book: Why is it so difficult for people to change?

The answer, Impellizzeri posits, lies in our attachments. Those attachments start forming at our earliest ages: According to Impellizzeri, “[D]uring the first year of life, infants select one primary attachment figure. This is typically the mother, as this is the person to whom the infant has been closest to the longest. Once selected, this person is set apart from all other adults in the infant’s mind. The special bond continues throughout life.” That bond manifests itself in any of four ways:

• Proximity maintenance: The infant will try to stay close to the attachment figure.
• Safe haven: The infant will go to the attachment figure for safety.
• Secure base: The infant will make the attachment figure an anchor of security.
• Separation distress: The infant will become anxious or distressed when separated from the attachment figure.

Impellizzeri spends the first chapter enumerating the ways attachment consumes our lives on a psychological level. The chapter is titled “Planting the Seeds that Lead to Your Patterns,” so the intent is clear. We’re starting small before getting big.

It would have been easy to write this book with academic jargon and difficult-to-follow explanations. However, Impellizzeri makes her subject readable by engaging her audience with stories they can relate to. She provides a case study of a girl named Amy, whose life we follow from infancy to adulthod throughout the course of the book. At the end of each chapter, Impellizzeri provides three additional brief sections: “Conclusion,” where she summarizes the chapter, “End-of-Chapter Exercise,” where she gives a technique for getting to better know ourselves, and “Chapter Takeaway,” where she gives wisdom and advice for putting the ideas into practice.

In the second chapter, Impellizzeri expands upon the first by discussing how the brain works and how attachment plays into our development. In addition to the left and right sides of the brain, there is a small pocket where things get a bit complicated. Impellizzeri discusses the reptilian brain, the limbic or emotional brain, and the neocortex or thinking brain. Impellizzeri does a good job of explaining, but there is a lot of information that could have been better condensed. In order to understand her subject, it is reasonable to first study it on a micro-scale. That said, Impellizzeri gets a little too technical and runs the risk of confusing her audience when simple clarity would have been a better fit. This, however, is really the only minor misstep I found in Why Can’t I Change?

An interesting aspect of the book is that Impellizzeri chooses to include herself throughout. By making herself vulnerable, she becomes accessible and respectable.  Impellizzeri traces her own psychological journey throughout the book, describing how she started to notice her emotional and behavioral patterns, and how she began to change them. She writes:

Understanding how you behave based on your attachment style and the development of your brain is crucial to understanding yourself. Learning about the nervous system and my automatic reactions based on my past was invaluable to me. I not only began to understand myself but also my contribution to how others reacted to me. I felt empowered with this information, knowing that first I needed to feel safe in the world and then to help those around me feel safe to change the way we interacted.

Not only was she able to become more comfortable and aware of herself through self-education, but  Impellizzeri was also able to understand on a deeper level how she interacted with people, including those to whom she is closest. As a result, her life improved.

Why Can’t I Change? excels most in giving the reader the proper foundation to approach this subject. It would have been easy to dumb the subject down, but Impellizzeri fortunately opted not to.  She instead chose to give her readers credit and respect.

By fusing academia with self-help, Impellizzeri gives us a book that is right in the middle. It doesn’t condescend, but it doesn’t pander. Why Can’t I Change? finds that happy medium that makes it both readable as well as engrossing.

Why Can’t I Change?: How to Conquer Your Self-Destructive Patterns
By Shirley Impellizzeri, PhD
Sunrise River Press: May 15, 2012
Paperback, 212 pages
$16.95

Many of these people claim that these moments are proof of a higher power, such as God or Allah.  C. G. Jung refers to these moments as feeling the presence of the “Self.”  “Becoming Whole: Jung’s Equation of Realizing God” is an in-depth examination of the equation that Jung created to explain how the “Self” arises in each person and how that fits with the concept of God.

It is important to mention though that Jung’s equation should not be taken as proof of the existence of God.  Jung stated that it proves “only the existence of an archetypal God-image, which to my mind is the most we can assert about God psychologically.”

Leslie Stein studied with Jungian analyst Rix Weaver and deeply researched the Jung equation to prepare for examining this challenging concept. He not only dissects Jung’s complex equation, but also Stein points out the similarities and differences between it and other spiritual theories.

Stein devotes almost one fourth of the book to explaining Jung’s equation for the transformation within the Self.  To those unfamiliar with it, this might seem like a lot of ink to devote to an equation.  However, this equation is not as simple as say x + y = z.  Jung claims that this complex process takes place within each person and is necessary for the Self to become conscious. 

An important aspect is that it is circular.  Jung states that the circular movement “has the moral significance of activating the light and dark forces of human nature, and together with them all psychological opposites of whatever kind they may be.” Stein points outs out the similarity between the movement of Jung’s equation and the circling within the Buddhists’ mandalas as well as the Bible’s “wheel” in the vision of the prophet Ezekiel.

Stein breaks down pieces of the equation to more thoroughly explain how Jung viewed it.  One particularly interesting aspect is including nature as part of the spirit or “Self.”  Including nature as essential to spirituality can be seen in various religions and faiths, such as Wicca or Gnosticism. Jung was concerned with the gap between spirit and matter, which he believed was widened by Christianity’s de-spiritualizing of nature. 

Stein explains that Jung used theories and practices from Gnosticism and alchemy to solve this issue, attempting to bridge the gap and join spirit and nature again.  Stein claims that this is the “basis for and the object of the equation.” Jung wanted to show how by becoming more aware of the split between the spirit and the material world, the God-image or “Self” would become stronger.

Stein then delves even deeper in the pages of “Becoming Whole” by comparing Jung’s theory to the ideas of others.  One interesting comparison focuses on the three stages of the alchemical process drawn up by Gerhard Dorn.  Stein is very thorough and concise as he weighs the two theories.  For instance, the second stage of the alchemical process posited by Dorn is the “Reunion” of the spirit with the body.  Jung’s equation sets out a similar stage marked by “C”, also known as “Paradise.”  “C” is the point in Jung’s equation when the God-image emerges, because it has begun to recognize itself.

Becoming Whole also makes comparisons with works dealing with the transcendental God.  Stein compares and contrasts Jung’s equation with the Jewish mystical texts of the Kabbalah. Stein’s comment about the two: is that the “Kabbalah has the same goal as the equation: to use the emanations as the means to come closer to God or the Self.” Although the processes within Kabbalah and within Jung’s equation are different, the end result is the same.

Becoming Whole is very well researched and clearly written, it is not for the average reader. It’s written for scholars. It is a valuable resource for research about Jung and his equation for realizing God. The writing style is advanced and intended for an audience that is comfortable reading scholarly works.

That being said, I would not recommend this book for anyone looking for spiritual guidance or inspiration. With my experience of earning a degree in religious studies and years of personal research, I found this book to be very rewarding. I am very happy to add it to my collection of religious and/or spiritual analyses and texts.

Becoming Whole: Jung’s Equation for Realizing God
Leslie Stein
Skyhorse Publishing; May 1, 2012
Hardcover, 336 pages
$20.64

He realizes there’s something deeper, something more meaningful to life.

At the height of his career, Moffitt was CEO and Editor-in-Chief of Esquire magazine. However, Moffitt was not satisfied. So he traded his traditional successful life for a shot at inner peace. He took up mindfulness meditation and changed his life.

Today, he is a meditation teacher and co-guiding teacher at Spirit Rock Meditation Center in Woodacre, California. In his newest book, Emotional Chaos to Clarity: How to Live More Skillfully, Make Better Decisions, and Find Purpose in Life, Moffitt takes what he has learned firsthand and shares those teachings in a readable and thoroughly enjoyable way.

Moffitt was 34 years old when he began to focus full-time on personal growth. He had enjoyed great success, but his life “seemed out of balance. I felt as though I wasn’t living from my authentic self. Even though my external life was fun and stimulating, my internal experience was that of not being connected to a larger purpose.”

One of the main themes of Emotional Chaos to Clarity — and a prime reason why it is so appealing — is that while Moffitt is a teacher now, he wasn’t always one. He has a story. He took a path. Moffitt is not some guru born on the side of a Nepalese mountain, unaware of the day-to-day “realities” of Western culture. In this way, his story feels more “true” in a way that is sorely lacking from much of the spiritually-tinged self-help field.

Furthermore, because of his unique backstory, Moffitt’s appeal is immense. Anyone who has felt a gaping hole in his being can relate to his story.

Moffitt’s a skilled writer. There is no flowery language painting an abstract portrait of the secret to life. He writes cleanly and directly. However, he still thoroughly conveys his message. He strikes the perfect balance.

Moffitt’s teachings revolve around two central ideas: Mindfulness and intention. He writes:

The combined skills of mindfulness and intention described in this book represent an approach to transforming life’s many challenges into opportunities for growth. This approach constitutes the foundation for a more authentic relationship with yourself and others. As you apply these life skills you will feel more grounded and oriented in your life. My purpose in writing this book is to assist you in this process of learning how to live more skillfully.

As might be expected with a book with such heavy subject matter, Emotional Chaos to Clarity should not be viewed as a quick read. Each chapter should be studied, and, both literally and figuratively, meditated upon. At the end of each chapter, Moffitt provides an exercise or some closing wisdom. Because the book demands work on the reader’s part, it’s perhaps best to read about a chapter a day or so. Mindfulness is a skill. It is one that must be cultivated. To rush through a book like this essentially defeats its purpose.

Moffitt’s ultimate goal is to eliminate or lessen what he calls “the emotional chaos of the untrained mind.” Our minds are constantly racing in a state of turmoil. We make plans and they fall through. We react and we often react poorly. What Moffitt would like us to do is to not perceive ourselves as having to react, but rather choosing how to respond. This slight adjustment in perception can make a world of difference.

Emotional Chaos to Clarity is a wonderful contribution to the self-help field. It is one that deserves to stand out and be recognized. Moffitt’s messages are universal, while the manner in which he conveys them is poignant, proper and downright perfect.

Emotional Chaos to Clarity: How to Live More Skillfully, Make Better Decisions, and Find Purpose in Life
By Phillip Moffitt
Hudson Street Press: May 10, 2012
Hardcover, 270 pages
$13.98