One 4-year-old boy, whose family had moved to a new state at the beginning of the summer, seemed to adjust surprisingly well. He had a great summer. His parents couldn’t believe it because he tended to have trouble dealing with change. In September, he started at his new nursery school. Suddenly he became sad, clingy, and began to soil – all the behaviors the parents had originally expected. Talking with this child gradually revealed that he had intuitively believed that living in the new home was just a summer vacation, like when the family had gone to the shore the previous year. He expected to be reunited with his friends in September. It was only then that he truly realized this was permanent and became upset. Of course his parents had explained the move, but he only heard what he wanted to believe.

In the hectic times following a move, parents often don’t have the energy to work extra hard on helping a child settle into the proper routine. A 3-year-old girl didn’t like her new home and refused to sleep in her new bedroom. It was easier to just let her fall asleep night after night in the parents’ bed. As life settled down, they became increasingly frustrated with being unable to get their daughter to sleep in her own bed.

A 6-year-old boy had no problems sleeping anywhere, until the family moved into a new home that was much larger and the boy’s bedroom was now upstairs, removed from the flow of activity. The new bedroom suddenly was inhabited with scary creatures only visible to a young boy.

Moving can be very disorienting to a young child. They are tiny creatures in a world full of giants and much confusion. They rely on predictability and attachment to caretakers to generate a sense of security. Parents often believe that using words will suffice to create an understanding of what the child is about to experience. But young children do not comprehend the meaning of words describing experiences they have yet to experience! It may seem as if they do – but don’t be fooled.

This means trying to use any strategy that can make the change as concrete and tangible as possible. Buy a new dollhouse, set it up in another part of the house, move the family and their furniture, and play out the expected activities that occur after moving. Create a book about moving, with drawings and photographs of the old house and new house. Read children’s books to them about moving. Even though it makes moving day more hectic, have the children around as the movers load the truck. Children will rely on their magical thinking and childhood logic to address the logistics of moving. They need real experiences to help guide them through the process – even if seeing their belongings carried out of the house is initially distressing.

A favorite recommendation is to create a box of objects that provide a concrete connection to the old house. Take a shoebox and have the child fill it with leaves, rocks, and other small objects from the yard. Use a digital camera and allow the child to direct what pictures she wants. By seeing them instantly, she can let you know if you’ve captured what she wants. You may also have some of her neighborhood friends put small objects in the box as well as a picture of the friends.

Object permanency is elusive for a very young child. Out of sight often means it is gone. A few months after moving, especially if the child is expressing a dislike for the new home, make a trip back to the old home. “See, it is still there.” “See the new family and their new furniture in the house.” Yes, some children will be angry – “My house!” But that gives you a chance to help them vent the anger, working it through in play, conversation, or drawings. Then the child may be ready to complete the move.

As for the frequent night fears and sleep disruptions, keep the bedtime process in the child’s bedroom, meaning that you may need to stay in the room until the child falls asleep. Other regressions may also occur such as baby talk and loss of toilet training. This is partly a normal response to stress, partly a wish to return to the past. The child needs to be told that his being sad or mad or scared is normal. At the center of this must be the awareness that the young child’s distress increases the need to reaffirm his attachment to you, for that bond is the essence of his sense of security. Don’t lose sight of that in the midst of all your distractions caused by the move and, gradually, everyone will settle in.

Acts of violence have always been a part of human nature and will continue unless we become some sci-fi world with better living through chemistry and genetic manipulation. Sure, there are general reasons the experts will point to, such as alienation; access to guns; too much exposure to violence; a society whose leaders lack values; and families who are disconnected from community.

But the reality is that the great majority of teenagers are growing up in this environment and not killing anyone. That doesn’t mean we should ignore steps to reduce the negative influences on their lives and ours. It does mean that no matter what we do, there will always be tragedies. We simply do not have that much control over another person’s life. That is a frightening reality for most parents to accept.

But this doesn’t mean that parents shouldn’t be doing things that make it more likely that their children would turn out okay. Inside each home there are parents asking if their son or daughter could be in trouble and the parents might not know it. Or, even scarier, there are parents who see their children struggling and feel powerless to help. What do we know that will help?

Well, the research points to the same issue nearly every time: children who have stronger relationships with their parents are less likely to end up in serious trouble. My emphasis on “serious” is because too often parents are upset about issues that are not life-threatening or life-determining. Clean rooms, grades and homework, being disorganized, being impulsive and screwing up, foul language, a few extra holes in an ear, some grungy friends, some broken curfews, or the protective or manipulative “lies” that children use to try to get away with things – all normal adolescent behaviors that do not alone signify a child “going down the tubes.”

Adolescence is a time for many teens to experience disconnection and disorientation, to become confused and uncertain about their values or about their capacity for success. It is a time to be scared about changing bodies and changing friends and experiencing failures when success may have usually come easily. It is a time to defy and distrust authority. It is a time, especially in with the phenomenon of the Internet, when teens’ worlds expand exponentially and it is quite a challenge for them to digest and manage all to which they are exposed.

Parents often respond to this by waging battles for control. While it is essential to have some unequivocal rules that involve health and safety and to seek help from others if there are signs of more serious trouble (e.g., depression, explosive outbursts, eating disorders, substance abuse, marked change in personality), it is particularly important to focus less on content and more on process.

What does this mean? Simply, that nothing is a substitute for maintaining the connection between you and your teenager. Time must be found for one-to-one interactions. Parents must be ready to give their attention when a teenager is suddenly ready to talk. Parents need to spend some time inside the world of their teenager and try to do so without being too judgmental. Do errands and chores together. Find an activity that can be shared. Take a teenage child out to dinner occasionally. A parent whose work involves travel can bring along a teenage child and turn it into a significantly valuable time together. Know each other!

Remember that you most likely did some things wrong along the way. It can be helpful to share that. Why should your child be open with you if there is not some reciprocity? That includes sharing some of your current anxieties or mistakes. We all mess up. We all have our vulnerabilities. We all seek safety and security. In that way, you and your teen have much in common. The key difference is that a teen’s life has few real choices and does not have a valued place in our society. We ask them to be responsible but there is little immediate reinforcement for that except to keep the adults from being angry and disappointed with them. Believe in your child, even when he or she is struggling, or simply not meeting your expectations.

For some parents, there is the harsh reality that, despite doing a good job, their child is having significant problems, and the parents are being shut out while nothing seems to be helping. This is definitely painful and scary. Even with professional help and support from school staff, some child will fall into a “black hole,” influenced by biology, peers, and social forces. This underscores another reality about the tragedies that have been taking place: All the perpetrators have been male.

Our society gives out powerful messages that are absorbed by our children. What girls hear and respond to leads them to turn against themselves, especially in the form of eating disorders (and a skyrocketing rate of smoking). What boys hear and respond to leads them to turn against others, in acts of verbal and physical abuse. In the face of all this, parents are worried, possibly more than ever, about the health and success of their children.

But I must return to my primary message of urging parents to have a more optimistic outlook and to not let their anxiety sabotage what is most important, the relationship each parent has with each child. A friend and colleague, Bob Brooks, often speaks about the resiliency of children and what contributes to it. The research clearly indicates that the presence of a “charismatic adult” is one of the primary predictors of turning out okay.

So often I read the stories of successful adults who grew up under terrible circumstances and there is always reference to a parent, relative, teacher, or coach who believed in them and provided guidance and an available ear when needed. Dr. Brooks often ends his presentations by challenging parents to be that charismatic adult in the lives of their children. It is no guarantee that everything will turn out all right. Nothing can do that. But it does make it much more likely that you will end up with an adult child who is not only doing well but is also your friend.

The graveside service took place in a beautiful cemetery on an unusually gorgeous early fall day, with a pure blue sky and a blazing sun that brought the temperature to at least 80 degrees. As family members eulogized their departed husband/father/grandfather/brother, I was struck by certain consistent themes. Though he died young, he lived a very full life because of the values he lived by. While he was a very accomplished engineer, no one spoke of those accomplishments. Everyone talked about his love for family and the way that love was expressed.

Every Friday evening, over many years, he and his wife gathered their children, other relatives, and, later, their sons-in-law and, even later, their grandchildren, for a Shabbat dinner (a celebration of the beginning of Shabbat, or the Sabbath, which, for Jews, is a day of rest and spiritual rejuvenation, the seventh day). As I listened to this family’s commitment to gathering every Friday evening, which was more about family values than religious ones, I struggled to imagine how they could have done that. I thought about how Friday nights, in our family, especially as the children got older, generally consisted of people doing their own things with friends or sports. What had this family sacrificed to maintain such a strong and consistent tradition of being together, I wondered?

But clearly it was not a sacrifice. It was, instead, the cornerstone of a bond that tied this family together in a very strong way and gave a clear message to everyone about what was really important in life. It underscored what I have often said to parents about the importance of having family traditions that become the ties that bind.

As I listened to the eulogies, I could hear how all those around this very special man had been deeply touched by him and how those values had been passed on to all who joined this family over the years, even the grandchildren, who, while young, each contributed their thoughts, previously dictated to their parents, of special memories about their grandfather. We should all be so lucky to have enriched the lives of those close to us the way this man had. Even though I feel I was (and remain) a very good father, it made me think about what else I could have done that would have similarly benefited those close to me. I know now I could have done more.

It wasn’t just Shabbat dinners. This large, extended family did a lot together. There was much humor expressed in the eulogies about how they would take over restaurants or a large area of the beach. There was a lot of humor about meal planning. This was definitely a family that liked to eat together! The humor also struck me. I believe any time that whenever a funeral service is filled with humorous stories it reflects a warmth and a richness of lives shared.

The service was presided over by a cousin who, in trying to capture another aspect of what made this man so special, quoted from the Scriptures a phrase that is so important for all of us to reflect on. “Who is rich? One who is happy with his portion…” I am very happy with “my portion.” I am lucky in that way. This mostly comes from having grown up with very little and having learned to appreciate everything that I have been able to experience in what, for me, eventually has become a very rich and full life.

While I stood there, in the warmth of the sun and the radiating warmth of genuine love for a lost loved one, I reflected on stories from many of my patients who repeatedly say to me, “I seem to have such a good life. Why am I so unhappy?” Even more so, I thought about the many couples who sit across from me and insist there just isn’t enough time to spend with each other. I thought about the world we live in. There is so much focus on wealth and power and achievement, which creates the context for so much personal unhappiness, because all too often it misses what really matters in life, the personal welfare and the relationships of society’s members. We have become increasingly isolated, as individuals and families, in recent decades. This man’s life tells us why it is so important to make the sacrifices necessary to have meaningful relationships in your life – a partner, children, good friends.

I also realized as I listened that death has played an important role in teaching me to focus on the daily, often simple, joys in life. My father died when I was just a senior in college. That experience taught me that life can be unexpectedly short. Of course, since it was my father, it also made me anxious about my own longevity, which only further underscored the importance of not putting off time to enjoy life and time to enjoy those who are special to you. This message was even more powerfully brought home to me by another death. Though it was only a friend, it hit me at a very significant stage of my own life and in a way that made the message undeniably clear.

A week after my 30th birthday, the wife of our closest friends died suddenly from an aneurysm. It was an incredibly painful experience. The husband spoke to me about his new responsibility as a single father. He had been working long hours to be the best possible provider he could be, but that meant long days and limited time for his wife and child. Now he made the decision that he would work fewer hours and spend as much quality time with his daughter as possible. A little late for his relationship with his wife (and for him), but very important for his relationship with his daughter (and, again, for him).

The irony of this was that years later he was able to say he was actually making more money because he learned to be more selective about his clients and not just try to serve anyone who came to him. He had always believed that in order to be the best possible provider he had to accept every possible opportunity to add business, never being selective, always afraid he wouldn’t make enough. It’s amazing how many men, and, increasingly, women, make this same mistake. Then wonder why they are stressed out and unhappy.

I learned a lot from this experience. Within three years, I made a significant career move that allowed me much more time to spend with my family. I might have achieved greater fame and fortune if I had stayed on my fast-paced rise in my field but I would never have the wonderful memories that I now have about all those years while my children were growing up. Nor would I have likely had the opportunity to have surrounded myself with a wonderful group of colleagues who have been an important part of my life for many years.

So death has taught me a lot about how to get the most out of my life. It has served to underscore my strong belief that having a good life is not about getting top grades, getting into the best college, making lots of money, or having a big home – in the end, a good life is about the quality of the relationships we have had with the people who are closest to us on our journey.

I hope those of you who are reading this can become “happy with your portion” without necessarily losing a loved one in order to learn that lesson.

Those suffering from major traumas such as sexual or physical assault, combat experiences, accidents or the sudden death of a loved one can be diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) if certain symptoms exist. These include intrusive thoughts of the event; nightmares or flashbacks; avoidance of reminders of the incident and increased arousal, which can include problems such as sleep difficulties; angry outbursts; being easily startled or having difficulty concentrating.

Research has also indicated that medically unexplained physical symptoms, including fatigue, gastrointestinal problems and pain can also go along with this disorder. Anyone suffering from PTSD can benefit from EMDR therapy.

In order to be officially diagnosed with PTSD it is necessary to have experienced a major trauma. However, recent research has also revealed that other, less dramatic life experiences can cause even more symptoms of PTSD than major traumas. Many of these disturbing life experiences take place throughout childhood and can include hurtful experiences with parents or peers. The negative impact on the person’s sense of self takes place since, just as with diagnosed PTSD, “unprocessed memories” are running the show.

This happens because the experience was so disturbing that it disrupted the information processing system of the brain. One of the functions of this system is to take disturbing experiences to mental adaptation. So if something happens to us that is disturbing, the processing system “digests” the experience and the appropriate connections are made, while the reactions that are no longer useful — such as the negative self-talk, emotions and physical sensations — are let go.

However, if an experience is too disturbing, it disrupts the system, causing the memory to be stored with the negative emotions, physical sensations and beliefs. Current experiences must link with the memory networks in our brain to be interpreted. If there is an unprocessed memory, the negative emotions and sensations can emerge and color our perception of this current situation. In short, the past is present.

That’s where EMDR therapy can help. While EMDR cannot remove a problem caused by genetics or organic injury, the research indicates that even in these cases negative life experiences can exacerbate problems. When a person is held back from doing things he or she would like to do by feelings of insecurity, anxiety, fear, or unremitting sadness, or is pushed into doing things that are not useful — such as overreacting to people or situations — the reason can generally be found in the memory networks. Many times the problems are unprocessed memories from the past that are poisoning the present.

In my new book, Getting Past Your Past: Take Control of Your Life with Self-Help Techniques from EMDR Therapy, I provide numerous procedures that will allow the reader to identify the earlier memories that are at the root of their problems, and ways to change their emotions, physical sensations and negative thoughts. There are also techniques to help achieve desired goals in work and social relationships. These self-control techniques can make life more manageable, and understanding why we are doing things that don’t serve us can often help to bring things into perspective.

But if the techniques aren’t sufficient to give you a good feeling about your life, or you feel better for awhile but the old feelings continue to come back, then it would be useful to read the stories in the book that illustrate why different kinds of problems emerge, and decide if EMDR therapy would be a good choice for you.

Part of that evaluation involves taking stock of both your personal and professional relationships. Do you feel happy and fulfilled? Do you have a good support system? Or do you feel frustrated and troubled by disturbing thoughts and emotions?

Generally, there are three categories of negative feelings and beliefs that can emerge. These are the feelings of not being good enough, not being safe, or not being in control. If we often feel insecure, fearful or anxious — or notice that these feelings arise intensely in certain situations — we have the tendency to blame ourselves. Friends aren’t able to reassure us no matter how hard they try, because the problem is generally caused by the unprocessed memories associated with the negative emotions, physical sensations and beliefs.

When certain things happen in the present — even minor ones, like the expression on someone’s face — the memories can get triggered and the emotions, beliefs and accompanying sensations (like a tightness in stomach or chest) surface. We don’t get an image that goes along with it, so we don’t realize it’s really the “old stuff.” Then, since our distress can debilitate us, we may have problems interacting with people in the present, causing new memories of “failures” to be stored and thus increase the problem. That’s how depressions can also increase: our new negative experiences just dig the hole more deeply.

So, the bottom line is that we deserve to have happiness and fulfilling relationships. Problems involving negative thoughts and emotions are generally the result of negative past experiences that are improperly stored in our brains. The negative feelings may appear to be true to us, but they are actually the result of physiologically stored memories. This makes it not a “mental problem,” but rather a physical problem that can be remedied. If you break your leg, you would not just hobble along. You’d have no question about going to a doctor to align your bones properly so that healing can take place.

Likewise, if you go to an EMDR therapist for assistance, a good history will be taken and you will be prepared for memory processing. Then the memory will be accessed and aligned in a certain way, while the information processing system of the brain is stimulated so the memory can be transformed into an adaptive learning experience. The negative emotions, physical sensations and beliefs can be discarded and a positive sense of self can emerge.

EMDR therapy is not limited to simply taking symptoms away. It addresses the past, present and future. The goal is to allow the person to achieve a complete state of emotional health. It has also been used to help athletes, performers and executives to achieve a state of “peak performance.”

If you feel stuck personally, or in your relationships, and the self-help techniques provided in Getting Past Your Past are not sufficient, then consider fully addressing the problem with EMDR therapy. Ultimately, the goal is to liberate you from the confines of the past into a happy and productive present and a fulfilling future.

Sabrina’s Perspective

Sabrina, 18, was a freshman away at college. Shortly after she arrived at school she found out that her parents had just split up. Sabrina also soon discovered that her dad had been having an affair since she was in high school, and was still involved with the other woman.

Sabrina came across as superficially tough and apathetic but her hurt and desire for connection were just beneath the surface. She said she had no idea why she felt so bad — so depressed and anxious — and that there was no good reason for it. However, when the topic of her dad came up, Sabrina became visibly distressed. She was adamant that she didn’t want to talk about him, didn’t want to have anything to do with him, and “didn’t care” — but often ended up talking about him anyway. Also, Sabrina frequently commented that if she met her dad’s girlfriend she would “punch her in the face.”

Sabrina’s attitude towards her dad was a change of heart from how she felt towards him growing up. Even though he wasn’t around all the time, she felt a strong connection and identification with him. In this regard, she talked about how she was never a “girly girl ” like her sister, and how she and her dad were both good at math and science.

Sabrina always did well in school until she went off to college. She was caught off guard this year when she began feeling homesick and out of her element — lost in a large school in the engineering department. Sabrina was noticeably hard on herself, hating that she was “weak and pathetic” and criticizing herself for not being able to focus on her work or to get better. Her depression made it hard to concentrate. She found herself constantly ruminating about failing and worried about disappointing her parents. The pressure led to a repetitive spiral of poor grades and increasing panic, guilt and shame. Sabrina became uncertain of what she was good at or interested in, losing her focus and direction.

Sabrina didn’t tell anyone what she was going through and felt lonely and isolated. She didn’t want to talk to her dad and felt protective of her mom, fearful of burdening her. Sabrina mostly pretended things were fine, though occasionally dropping some conspicuous hints to her mom about wishing she (Sabrina) were dead.

Mom’s Perspective

Sabrina’s mom, Deb, was in the throes of grief and depression following the breakup of her marriage. She wanted to help Sabrina and seemed loving but, at the same time, needed her daughter to be OK and was generally oblivious to what Sabrina was going through. Deb often gave quick advice or geared the conversation to her own problems, not taking seriously Sabrina’s expressions of desperation about whether she could survive.

Dad’s Perspective

Sabrina’s dad, Sam, was a high-achieving, very successful engineer. He held Sabrina to similarly high standards, confident (as she had been) that she would flourish in a related field. He seemed to love Sabrina more than anything but was somewhat emotionally immature — clueless about how to manage their relationship. Though he frequently came across as critical, reactive and not easily empathic or tuned in to feelings, he also seemed ingenuous, and was himself easily hurt.

Sam expressed his love and caring for Sabrina by giving her money and advice. On the one hand, he seemed to feel guilty when he recognized how much he hurt her by having the affair. But on the other, he was mad about her ongoing anger toward him, arguing self-righteously that he also was entitled to happiness.

Sam was very focused on wanting Sabrina to meet his girlfriend and be friendly with her, which would help his life be less divided. “Why should Sabrina be mad at her? And how long do I have to let her be mad at me? Plenty of families go through this. This can’t be all my fault. She’s just manipulating me into feeling bad. Sabrina’s problem is that she likes to blame everyone else but herself for her problems and failures.”

“When my year-old son was finally diagnosed with a developmental disability last year, lots of our friends just seemed to disappear. We’ve been caught up in his care so I guess we don’t reach out much. But it would be real nice if they reached in.” Tom, knowing I was working on this article, spoke to me after playgroup.

Katie’s words during another conversation echo the pain of many parents. “Our 15-year-old daughter started stealing from our friends. At first it was little stuff like a lipstick or a pad of sticky notes. Then it moved into jewelry and money. It turns out she was selling the stuff to support a drug habit. Our friends stopped inviting our family over. That’s understandable. But then they stopped even calling. I don’t get it.”

Josh is equally bewildered. “When our son was first diagnosed with cancer, his friends came around often and our friends were really there for us. The treatments have been going on for three years now. His friends don’t call very much anymore. We’re down to two really close friends who are hanging in there with us.”

Amanda was trembling as she talked to me. Her 19-year-old daughter was diagnosed with schizophrenia last year. “During her breakdown she lied about many things to many people and caused quite a bit of drama among her friends. Now my friends seem to have forgotten us. Where did they go?”

Families like these feel abandoned but are generally too stressed with the demands of taking care of the child and managing the complexity of the medical, legal or educational systems to give it much attention. All they can do is cope. What goes on that friends, even people they thought were good friends, stop coming around?

The reasons are as varied as the people.

Some friends (and even members of the extended family) take it personally when parents of challenging kids withdraw into the world of the kid’s intensive care. They feel rejected when they don’t get included in the conversations and decisions about care and go away hurt or mad. Others have an irrational fear of the diagnosis or problem and worry that it’s “catching.”

Still others feel helpless to deal with their friend’s stress. Not knowing what to say or do, they wait for someone else to give them a clue, or, fearing they may say or do the wrong thing, they do nothing at all. Others worry about being a bother and decide to just stay out of the way.

Those who have moral judgments about the child’s illness or behavior or who are uncomfortable being in a hospital or sick room or courtroom are even more challenged. They can’t handle being in an environment that makes them anxious and their relationship with their friends suffers.

Some people are so distracted by their own problems, they can’t find the energy to support their friends. If they are to stay in touch, they may need to be reassured that they aren’t expected to solve the problem or to become a major player in a child’s care.

Whatever their good (or not so good) intentions, it’s no wonder these folks gradually fade out of sight when a friend’s family is faced with an ongoing, seemingly endless stressful situation. It’s important for the affected family not to take it personally – even though it feels terribly personal.

It’s an important part of self-care to at least try to invite such seemingly “fair-weather friends” back into their lives. Research has shown that one of the most important variables in managing crisis and stress is having others to turn to, whether for a simple chat about the weather, advice, or a hug. Affirmation of connection recharges the emotional batteries and lets people carry on even when the demands of life feel relentless and overwhelming. Yes, it can feel unfair to have to take the initiative and take care of our friendships when we feel the support of friends slipping away. But getting stuck on some idea of “fairness” will only make the situation worse. If the friends knew how to stay in contact and how to help, they would have done it already. It’s important to give them the benefit of the doubt and to give them a way back in.

We really can be our own worst enemy. If we let the idea of making a quick phone call feel so overwhelming we let weeks go by without doing it, we can end up feeling alone and lonely. Often it only takes a text message, an entry on Facebook or a five-minute phone call to keep the connection alive.

Reaching out does encourage others to reach in. Spending some time with friends doesn’t cheat the children of attention. It ensures that their parents get the renewal and strength that comes from the empathy and support of good friends.

Fortunately, there is usually a friend or two who doesn’t need to be told and reminded. They can be a family’s best allies in keeping in touch with everyone else. Those good friends can also help other friends know what is needed and how to be supportive instead of intrusive. Most people are better responders than initiators. If given an explanation for their friend’s absence, and especially if given a specific way to help, most will respond generously and sympathetically.

In addition, there are support groups consisting of other families for just about every illness and problem life can dish out. There’s nothing quite so affirming as talking with people who are dealing with the same sorts of things. The structure of weekly meetings ensures that the group gets together regularly. The location at the local hospital, church or library means that no one has to stress about cleaning up the living room or serving refreshments, so parents are more likely to keep coming. These new friends can fill a need for understanding that old friends maybe can’t.

People do need people. Parents especially need other people when a child’s situation diverts so much of their time and energy that they are in danger of dropping out of their supportive relationships. Taking some time out from the daily demands of the children to stay in contact isn’t selfish. It’s essential.

Thus, The Escape of Sigmund Freud, written by David Cohen, historical writer, filmmaker and psychologist, unravels a strange and often overlooked bit of history in just how Freud managed to leave occupied Austria, when Hermann Göebbels and Joseph Himmler had set out to kill psychoanalysts, particularly Jewish ones.

By 1925, Freud was an international celebrity, the father of psychoanalysis, and author of groundbreaking theories on the unconscious mind, repression, and dreams. As well, he headed the International Psychoanalytic Publishing House, which he had started in 1919. In his therapy practice, he charged $25 an hour for his services–an astronomical sum back then, the equivalent today of nearly $4,000 an hour. Thus, his clients came from rarefied circles, which included the colorful Princess Marie Bonaparte, socialite and great-granddaughter of Napoleon, who became Freud’s close friend and advocate. 

However, the world as Freud knew it had dramatically changed since Adolf Hitler had seized power and forced his ideology concerning racial cleansing onto Germany, then Austria. Hitler was appalled to learn that most German doctors were Jewish. “The worst statistics from Nazis’ point of view were pediatricians: 72 percent were Jewish,” writes Cohen. Certainly most psychoanalysts were Jewish. Thus, in 1936, Matthias Göering (cousin of Hermann Göering) assumed leadership over the German General Medical Society for Psychotherapy, renouncing Jewish psychoanalysts. Göering had their property and assets seized, which included Freud’s publishing company.

Harsh as these actions were, the Nazis couldn’t escape the fact that Freud was a well-connected, international figure, who they grudgingly had to respect. Freud did have friends throughout the world, such as William Bullitt, the American ambassador in Paris, and President Roosevelt, who telegrammed Hitler, warning him that any harm done to Freud would be considered a deplorable act. Still it didn’t stop Nazis from hanging swastikas on Freud’s stoop or the Gestapo from harassing him, claiming that he had not paid his taxes and his publishing company had outstanding debt. Thus, military police  confiscated the family’s cash and passports. These actions reached a climax when the  Gestapo arrested Freud’s daughter Anna, a noted analyst in her own right, which shook Freud into a stark reality: His life in Vienna was over.

What ultimately happens is best read in Cohen’s book, but suffice to say Freud was lucky to have influential friends, money stashed in secret accounts, and an unlikely supporter– a German officer who out of character developed a conscience and looked the other way as Freud left. Thus, the Freud family (including his daughter, Anna, his wife, Martha, and their faithful housekeeper, Paula), fled to Britain. They toted along Freud’s famous couch, some of his books, and many objets d’art.

Four of Freud’s sisters stayed behind. Even though Freud made many attempts to contact them, he never succeeded. Years after his death, researchers would discover that three had died in concentration camps. The fourth most likely died of malnutrition. More details about their deaths and other circumstances surrounding the Freuds and their escape may exist in correspondence sequestered in boxes at the Library of Congress that remain restricted until 2050 and 2057. Other boxes, particularly those involving Marie Bonaparte, supposedly are sealed for eternity. One can only assume they must hold privileged doctor-patient information.  

Even so, there’s no shortage of research in this book. In spite of being a relatively slim book, it is dense with facts. Cohen throws so many names at readers that he offers a who’s who guide in the back to help keep the various characters straight.

Though the title of the book is The Escape of Sigmund Freud, less than a fourth of the book really deals with his escape. If I have one quibble with the author it’s about this. Rather than rehashing a lot of German and European history that most people know only too well, I would have liked for him to have given us more details on Freud’s flight from Vienna, which turns out to be a rather complex and amazing feat that deserves more attention and detail.

Even so, the story is remarkable and gives further credence to the old saying that truth is stranger than fiction. This book will appeal to anyone interested in early psychotherapy history and the strange and complicated life of Sigmund Freud.

The Escape of Sigmund Freud
By David Cohen
Overlook Hardcover: March 29, 2012
Hardcover, 272 pages
$27.95

While data for second marriages is currently very limited, the early indication is that the frequently stated 60 percent divorce rate is also a gross exaggeration and that divorce rates for second marriages may not be any higher than for first marriages.

However, regardless of the statistics, it is also very clear that much anxiety is embedded in the decision to remarry. Most divorced individuals feel they have “failed” at marriage once and are usually terrified at the thought that they might “fail” again. What follows are some suggestions on how to improve the likelihood that the choice of a second partner is more likely to work out than the first choice did.

Understanding Why the First Marriage Ended in Divorce

This is a critical step for each person going through a divorce and is one reason why I strongly recommend divorce counseling even when there is no desire or possibility of staying together. There is much to learn from analyzing why you married each other and what led to experiencing a loss of trust, companionship, and love (assuming the marriage had that foundation to begin with).

Sometimes it was a mismatch right from the beginning but more often there was a genuine sense of being in love and an experience of being best friends and lovers. What happened to change that? The answers to that question will provide valuable insight about what personal issues you may need to work out as well as what you need to be looking for in a new partner.

There are so many possible reasons why a relationship falls apart that I can’t possibly cover all of them in a short article. But some issues are definitely more common than others. Probably the most common is the underlying feelings of inadequacy, shame or guilt that we all carry to some degree.

If these feelings are either especially strong or just more than we can adequately manage, it will result in distrust (expectation of being rejected or abandoned if your partner really gets to know you) and patterns of marital behavior that push your partner away whenever increased intimacy threatens to reveal your “badness.” If issues with intimacy sabotaged your first marriage, they will likely do the same to your second one unless you have worked on reducing them.

A successful marriage requires negotiating a series of challenges. These are effectively described and discussed in Judith Viorst’s excellent book, Grown-Up Marriage.

I will just note a few of them here:

• Shifting from idealizing your partner (thinking you are marrying the “good parent”) to being able to accept the faults and foibles of your partner
• Learning to disengage from each family of origin (in-law problems!)
• The ability to adjust to the arrival of children (changes in roles and expectations)
• Being able to adjust to the inevitable personal changes of one or both partners (we should be evolving over the course of our lives and our needs and behaviors are likely to change with time)

A successful marriage requires a constant process of adaptation to the changes, both expected and unexpected, that are absolutely going to take place. Rigidity in the face of these demands for change is another very common reason why a marriage ends in divorce.

The more you understand about what you contributed to the marital disintegration (even when you are “certain” it is all the fault of the other person), the more likely you are to develop the skills required to have a more successful second marriage.

Don’t Rush into a Second Marriage

Research suggests that divorce is much more likely in a second marriage if the relationship is less than a year old. This is one of those situations where the stereotype may be more fact than fiction. I am referring to what is commonly called a rebound relationship and the popular perception is that this is a no-no. Well, most likely it is.

For men, it is often driven by an extreme discomfort with being alone; for women, that is also a factor but greater financial security is often a key issue. However, it is men who tend to marry quicker after a divorce (and that’s not because men are more often involved in another relationship before the divorce; only about one in six affairs end in marriage) as they are typically seduced into thinking they are in love with someone who is willing to listen to their pain and make them feel important again.

A Core of Common Interests

Sure, opposites attract. But over time, substantial differences in style, personality, and interests wear on a relationship. It becomes too much work as everything is a compromise and very little is truly shared joy. There needs to be a solid core of common interests that allow for an easy way to spend quality time together.

In addition, it really helps if each partner is open to new experiences, even some things that may have been tried and rejected in a prior marriage (e.g., watching football, going to opera, hiking, and gardening) may be experienced more positively with a new partner. Yes, a good marriage takes work, but it shouldn’t be that hard. So much of a relationship is about fit. The more your lives naturally overlap, the easier the process of working out the rough edges.

With current advances in medicine, the survival time of many illnesses has been dramatically increased. Kubler-Ross made her study for On Death and Dying in a world where terminal illnesses were usually discovered in the late stages and a sudden, unexpected death was much more common. In Saying Goodbye: How Families Can Find Renewal Through Loss, Barbara Okun, Ph.D. and Joseph Nowinski, Ph.D, continue along Kubler-Ross’s path. They base their work upon interviews of the often long-term terminally ill patients, their friends and loved ones. Okun and Nowinski write in their conclusion of Saying Goodbye, “Our hope is that this book – and especially the stories that others have so generously shared – will be both a source of useful information and a source of comfort to the families as they navigate their way through the new grief.”

The many stories and guides that the authors share from those undergoing the process of extended terminal illness offer a wealth of excellent suggestions to those who confront this new landscape of grieving.

Okun and Nowinski introduce the concept of “contemporary grief” or a “new grief,” which is the grief experienced by those involved in an extended terminal illness. (“Traditional grief” involves the grief resulting from a sudden death.) They present a new five-stage model for coping with family grief, based upon their many case studies and accompanying detailed interviews of those moving through this new grief.

The authors share not only the stories of the terminally ill or those close to them, but also information they wish they had known in dealing with saying goodbye to a loved one: from coping with their loss, to talking about mortality or determining last wishes. By providing many valuable resources, Okun and Nowinski satisfy the hope for their book. They provide us with both a source of useful information and a source of comfort as a pragmatic guide for grieving families.

The structure of the book is straightforward. Following the introduction, Okun and Nowinski share their own stories in Chapter One, “Grief as a Family Matter.” In the second chapter, “The Five Stages of Family Grief,” Okun and Nowinski give their proposal for a five-stage model for family grief that takes into account the changing demands of contemporary grief. The rest of the book is divided into Okun and Nowinskiʼs stages of grief in this model – crisis, unity, upheaval, resolution, and renewal – within which interviews, insights, and templates for dealing with the difficulties that typically arise during these particular stages of grief are presented.

The five stages of contemporary grief, given by Okun and Nowinski, may be summarized as:

• Crisis. Family grief begins when the family learns that a loved one has a terminal disease. Feelings of anxiety, anger, confusion, and fear may arise. The equilibrium of the family has been disrupted.

• Unity. The reality of impending death forces family members to put even longstanding resentments or grudges on hold to pull together to care for the dying loved one.
• Upheaval. In a protracted illness, the unity experienced starts to fade, and issues put off to deal with later eventually rear their head, with guilt, anger, and resentment starting to emerge. It is most important, at this stage, that members of the family communicate effectively with each other and with other loved ones.
• Resolution. Upheaval created by the illness subsides. The protracted nature of contemporary grief presents families now with an opportunity to resolve any long-standing issues and to redefine each person’s role in the family.
• Renewal. The final stage of grief begins at the funeral and expresses itself through the celebration of the life of the now-deceased family member. The interconnected system of individuals that make up the family, through acceptance of change, rather than its resistance, is given the opportunity to become stronger, more resilient and thus find its new equilibrium.

Saying Goodbye is written for the layperson in readily understood terms, yet it effectively and forthrightly handles many complex issues that may arise during this process. By beginning with the stories of the grieving or insights they may have, Okun and Nowinski begin a respectful dialogue with the terminally ill or grieving, adding depth to their own suggestions. Saying Goodbye, through the hope it brings and detailed information it provides, is very successful in satisfying the goal Okun and Nowinski hope their book will provide.

Saying Goodbye: How Families Can Find Renewal Through Loss
By Barbara Okun, Ph.D. and Joseph Nowinski, Ph.D.
Berkley Hardcover: January 4, 2011
Hardcover, 336 pages
$26.95

LaPoint herself has a history of depression. She grew up in a family in which the disorder was commonplace, and in her adult life she was forced to endure domestic and sexual violence. With this in mind, it is no wonder LaPoint saw this void in the world of children’s literature.

Depression does not befall only certain types of families. It does not discriminate. LaPoint’s story therefore is capable of speaking to any race, gender, creed or sexual orientation. Coupled with Crystal Eldridge’s beautiful illustrations, When My Mommy Cries is a powerful tale that cuts to the reader’s heart.

Perhaps the most brilliant part about When My Mommy Cries is that its only two characters are nameless. In this way, we are not at all distracted from the central message by attributing our own prejudices to the characters. They are archetypes, and they are meant to be. By virtue of this decision, the story, again, becomes eminently relatable.

The story is told in first person, and it opens with the daughter coming home from school to find her mother in her bathrobe, crying on the sofa. “Her hair was crumpled like her face, / and she seemed so far away.” When the daughter tries to help her mother, she is virtually ignored, as her mother tries to hide the pain in her eyes. Again, the tale is worth quoting: “Yet in the awkward silence… / I saw them just the same.”

The next few pages feature the daughter informing us how her mother’s love is unwavering; she loves her daughter no matter what the situation.

Then one night the daughter hears her mother crying from her bedroom. Afraid to go inside, she finally musters up the courage to witness the sight. When she lays eyes on her mother, she is begged to come over for a hug. At this point, her mother reassures her of her undying love: “‘My baby, please don’t be afraid. / I am always, always here. / Sometimes I just get really sad. / There’s no reason — it’s never you’” (Italics in text).

The most poignant page of the book features a gorgeous illustration of both characters crying while holding each another. “And as we sat there, I can’t say / just who was rocking who.”

Following this catharsis, the mother is now open with her daughter about her depression. But that doesn’t mean the daughter can always help. Clearly, it is hard on her, even at this point, when her mother is sad. “…it’s lonely when I can’t [help].”

The story ends on a tender note, as the daughter affirms to us her newfound perspective: “I love her on the good days / when our world feels safe and true, / just the same as on our saddest days. / And she always loves me, too” (Italics in text).

When My Mommy Cries without question achieves its goal of, in LaPoint’s words, helping “families cope with sadness.” It is interesting to note that LaPoint deliberately presents us with a single mother. There is no mention of any father figure, and the daughter appears to be an only child. Seeing as children’s literature is concerned with brevity, it makes sense that LaPoint does not complicate the story with secondary characters. This is commendable, as their inclusion would only detract from the story’s core message: people—in this case, mothers—get depressed, and it is not a reflection on their children.

From some of the illustrations, it appears that the daughter is around 6 or 7 years old. If this is the case, again, LaPoint should be commended for her thoughtfulness. Sure, we can read this story to our 4-year-olds, but it is doubtful they will comprehend the underlying message, no matter how explicit it appears to us. A 6- or 7-year-old, however, is at the age where signs of empathy start to emerge. Their self-awareness has blossomed enough that they can actually display physical acts of compassion. They can see and feel the pain in others. In this way, When My Mommy Cries is both accurate and realistic in its portrayal.

The book also comes with an accompanying CD, which features a teaching guide as well as a musical number composed by LaPoint herself.

When My Mommy Cries is semi-autobiographical. And it shows. The tone and style of the writing drip with love and care. Moreover, Eldridge’s illustrations are a perfect companion for LaPoint’s heartwarming tale. As the author remarks: “May [this book] help all who read it find deeper empathy for others, gentler patience with themselves, and greater wisdom for facing life’s struggles with the children they love.” LaPoint can rest assured it does.

Dr. Ann Masten from the University of Minnesota wrote in the journal American Psychologist (2001) about resilience as “ordinary magic.” That is, given normal protective factors, most children will be able to cope, recover, and be fine after witnessing or experiencing a traumatic event.

Some children and adolescents may develop symptoms following a disaster, especially if they have experienced traumatic events earlier such as losses or other difficult situations. The symptoms related to trauma may appear as difficult behaviors or emotions shown at home or school. It is important for parents to know that children’s behaviors and emotions can become dysregulated, where they demonstrate more aggressive or withdrawn behaviors such as sadness or anger, and even “numbing” or little emotion as a way of coping with trauma.

Some of the “red flag” behaviors of concern when seen in children of different ages include:

• For children under 5 years of age: returning to earlier behaviors such as thumbsucking, bedwetting, fear of darkness, separation anxiety or excessive clinging
• For 6-11-year-olds: disruptive behaviors, extreme withdrawal, inability to pay attention, sleep problems and nightmares, school problems, psychosomatic complaints
  including stomachaches and headaches or changes in usual behaviors
• For 12-17-year-olds: sleep problems and nightmares, school problems including changes in performance and truancy, risk-taking behavior, problems with peers, changes in usual behaviors, psychosomatic complaints including stomachaches and headaches, depression or suicidal thoughts

Parents need to be able to recognize these “red flag” behaviors and identify when their child may be experiencing so much distress that he needs help. Parents may also need help in providing support to their child after traumatic events that may also traumatize the parents. Brief support and being able to talk to someone who can be more objective may be helpful to both parents and child after a traumatic event.

When they experience traumatic events, children can be protected most by support from their parents or trusted caregivers, being able to talk to them and have them listen, and if they are younger, being able to play freely. Younger children often play out what they have seen or experienced which, at times, may be difficult and upsetting for parents to observe but is important in helping the child recover from the event.

Returning to routines is also very important for children after they’ve experienced trauma, even if the routines are different from what they experienced before the traumatic event. If the children are older, then being able to go to school and be with friends will help in their recovery. Life needs to be predictable for children (and adults) and traumatic experiences disrupt that predictability. Reinstating routines help make life predictable again.

Guidelines for Parents to Help Their Child Cope with Trauma Include

1. Offer to listen to your child and help her, but don’t overwhelm her if she is not ready to talk. Don’t pressure your child to think or talk about what has happened beyond her willingness and readiness to do so. Children need answers to their questions that are age-appropriate and truthful, but it is not in their best interest to be flooded with more information than they ask for or need.

2. Talk about what has happened or is happening but in tolerable doses. It is wise to respect your child’s need to break off the discussion and to respect his wish to not talk further about the trauma for a while. He or you can ask to talk again at another time.

3. Do not underestimate a young child’s awareness or understanding of what has happened or may be happening. Answer your young child’s questions about injury or death truthfully, but in language she can understand without offering her
more than is necessary for her to hear.

Different age groups have different needs. For example, very young children need to be protected from exposure to too much television or other media; they are likely to have either seen or heard too much already.

Children need to be helped not only with their anxiety and confusion, but also with their anger. They may react to the traumatic event with anger and need to learn ways to express their feelings in healthy ways. Here are a few age-appropriate, healthy ways to help children express their confusion or anger about a traumatic event:

• It is often helpful for young children to have the opportunity to draw pictures of what has happened, perhaps depending on the traumatic event, including rescue vehicles coming to aid. Children who are a little older may want to play out the event with toys.

• Older children may find it helpful to use heroic action figures for their play or toy soldiers or military equipment to show danger as well as rescue.
• School-age children may want to use these less verbal forms of expression but they also might be able to be more direct and verbal about their feelings and concerns; they are more likely to also talk to teachers, relatives, and other adults in addition to parents.
• Teenagers may find it helpful to talk as part of a small group of peers their own age rather than talk by themselves. After disasters, teenagers can play a major role in helping others in recovery work at school and in their community and also help younger children. It is important to recognize and support prosocial activities for teenagers, which can also decrease the likelihood of higher-risk behaviors.

As I shared with one parent whose young child was very upset after experiencing a traumatic event that would impact both of their lives for some time, “Life will return to normal, however, after trauma, it may be a ‘new normal.’”

Flipped car photo available from Shutterstock

The Lonely Screams, by Sean Seepersad, presents a curated collection of essays contributed to Seepersad’s website, Web of Loneliness. The stories are often wrenching and sad, and Seepersad follows each essay with his thoughts about the origin of and solution to the writer’s loneliness.  Aside from his clinical and academic interest in the subject, Seepersad has a personal interest; the final chapter is his own essay about his experiences of loneliness.

Two-thirds of the contributors to this book are women, and most describe feeling lonely for as long as they can remember. The contributors tell personal stories of loss, betrayal, childhood bullying, parental abuse and abandonment, romantic relationships gone awry, and of opportunities missed or simply not available in their lives. Most writers try to understand why they experience chronic loneliness, and they often point to events from their childhood that set the pattern in motion. Jack, for instance, writes “From my earliest memories I have always felt alone and not totally accepted. I have learned that when I was a baby, out of frustration my mother would hit me to stop me crying.” He concludes his essay hopelessly: “Loneliness kills potential. I can see no future for myself. I will give myself a few years, though. I would not ever kill myself, no matter how much of a failure I become.” In his analysis, Seepersad comments on Jack’s resignation and notes that Jack responded to his childhood loneliness by becoming a chameleon, “changing himself to fit the world around him,” and this kind of separation results in the loss of the hurt child within. Seepersad’s solution for Jack is to “get in touch with his true self, realize his true desires, and pursue his own dreams.”

The Web of Loneliness project is not set up with a rigorous experimental design, run within the auspices of a university lab; it’s a website, and anyone who wishes to contribute his or her story is welcome to do so. Contributors frequently comment on their gratitude for being heard, for being able to give voice to the experience of loneliness. At the end of each essay in the book, a URL is provided so the reader can go online and leave comments about the essays, and read comments others have left.

Although the stories were indeed sad, and sometimes difficult to read, they were actually stories of a great many more conditions than loneliness. Many writers were clearly experiencing profound clinical depression, and some experienced suicidality. Of course, depression and loneliness make sorrowful bedfellows, and each contributes to the other in a dynamic way. I wanted Seepersad to focus the book more closely on loneliness. With a public website inviting contributions, I wondered why he chose the particular essays he selected for this book.

My greatest disappointment with this book was in Seepersad’s commentary after each essay. He structured his response in two directions: what he saw as the origin of the individual’s loneliness, and his advice to the writer. Without exception, both halves were shallower than I expected. Seepersad is a clinical psychologist, and I’d anticipated reading more insightful commentary about the origins, and less glib advice.

Additionally, his thoughts about the origins are often contradictory. For one writer, who sought close relationships despite expressing a concern about intimacy, Seepersad wondered why she sought relationships, if she was afraid of intimacy? To a later essay, he commented that the need for belonging is a basic human need, like hunger.  As a psychologist with access to (if not familiarity with) the literature, he could have presented a more in-depth examination of the conflict between a basic human need, like belonging, and the anxiety associated with fear of intimacy. Such an explanation needn’t be heavily academic — given the book’s audience, which is probably people who feel lonely, he could have presented more complex information in an accessible way.

With a stated goal of offering each writer advice about what they might do to change their circumstances, Seepersad takes on a big job, especially for a slim book of this type. The answers are certainly complex, given the lifelong patterns these lonely people describe, but Seepersad resorts to an essentially light, hand-waving response, as he offered at the end of Pat’s story: “If you are suffering from this inner loneliness as well, it may well mean you need to undergo your own deep, transformational process as well.” With such a shallow answer (pointing to an enormous and difficult task), he would have been better off formulating a different structure for his responses to the essays. Had he organized his responses with a tighter focus on illuminating the source of each writer’s loneliness, he could have gone into greater depth and made his contribution more valuable.

In the end, reading this book felt like reading a public website, and I did not come away with a greater understanding of “the complex world of the lonely,” as the book’s subtitle promised. Seepersad has access to such rich material, I hope his next effort takes the questions a little more seriously.

The Lonely Screams: Understanding the Complex World of the Lonely
By Sean S. Seepersad
CreateSpace: May 18, 2011
Paperback, 186 pages
$8.99

Wait a minute, how can anything positive come from being shot by a stranger in the chest with a .38 caliber pistol?  Well, as Pennington points out, he was lucky. He didn’t die. The bullet missed his heart. In the ambulance to the hospital, he focused on breathing, relaxing, reassuring himself, and thinking positively.

Subsequently he realized that a series of very fortunate coincidences prevented him from being killed, which left him enlightened: “Why should I be in a miserable situation and be unhappy? Being in a miserable situation is bad enough.”

As Pennington points out, life is inevitably sad and full of unexpected tragedies. So rather than wallowing in misery, why not look for whatever good you can find and turn misfortune into benefit?

That is the general premise of this book and one that provokes knee-jerk cynicism as it brings to mind the many trite phrases mothers harped at us for years: look for a silver lining; look at the glass as half full; make lemons out of lemonade.  Yeah, yeah, all of these truisms were pretty annoying as a kid, but as you approach the age when your mother uttered these phrases, you’re hit by the truth: Mom was right.

In this very short, quick-read book, Pennington tells eight personal stories of experiences that could have shattered his physical, financial, and mental health. Yet he never let misfortune drag him down. He not only beat his problems, but pushed past all of the hurt and disappointment to better himself.  Each of these stories ends with a sort of parable—a lesson that readers can apply to their daily lives. 

Pennington strategically leaves his wife’s illness to the very end, because, as he admits, it is the hardest lesson. “I know it sounds insensitive and selfish for me to say this,” he writes. “But I have no doubt that I am a better man because of what I learned by living through the illness that took her life.” His wife, Claire, suffered from multiple sclerosis, and in light of her suffering, he came to realize that his problems were minuscule. In caring for her, Pennington learned to give freely and without expectations.

“If we can respond to others’ needs without expecting a reward in return, it is possible for us to receive a gift for our giving,” he writes. “We may find ourselves feeling an increased sense of usefulness or pride in a job well done.” It’s the Golden Rule.  As Mother might have said, Do unto others as you wish they’d do unto you. What gives this and other old homilies some relevance is that Pennington has actually lived through some fairly horrible times and recovered by using these principles.

On the other hand, it’s worth noting that Pennington was an executive coach and motivational speaker long before he wrote this book. In fact, immediately after he was shot (which occurred early in his career), he thought, this would make a great “signature story”–a story to spice up his lectures and grab the crowd’s attention. 

For this reason and more, this book largely feels as if Pennington packaged his lecture notes as another point of sale in the back of the lecture hall. The bullet points, the call-out boxes, the bold-faced lessons are dead giveaways. 

However, just because you know this, does it diminish Pennington’s overarching lesson? Well, I don’t think so. The author helps readers put tragedies and so-called tragedies into perspective and gives readers strategies to build a better life. “Whatever your next step might be, it doesn’t have to be earth shattering,” he writes. “It may not produce a dramatic change right away. But if you don’t take it, you will have missed new opportunities that you would not have discovered otherwise.”  Pennington’s words do seem wise—and if Mother were listening, she’d no doubt give a self-satisfied nod in agreement.

Find the Upside of the Down Times
By Dr. Rob Pennington
Resource International: May 20, 2011
Paperback, 125 pages
$17.95

Of course, we did go on, as people do. But that year our conversation was more subdued than usual because we were all so aware of the empty chair at our table; the absence that couldn’t be denied.

As the years have gone by, the loss has become less painful. Now our memories of David and others who’ve passed out of our lives are laced with humor and nostalgia. The chairs are empty. But the relationships with the people who once occupied them continue on in our shared memories and stories.

Negotiating through the first holiday season following a death is seldom uncomplicated. Although the traditions that evolve in subsequent years may be fine in their own way, holidays without our loved one will never be quite the same. The holidays after a recent death highlight the absence and often throw people into confusion. Grieving people know they should “move on” – whatever that means – but aren’t at all sure they want to and don’t know how. Those who care about the person in mourning want to be helpful but are equally confused about how to do it. It’s a situation that is poignantly human.

For those of you who have lost a loved one within the past year, thinking about the empty chair at the holiday table may intensify grief in all its complex manifestations: sadness, anger, resentment, and maybe even guilt about the loss and, yes, joy and sweetness and gratitude that the person was in your life. For those who care about the grieving person, it can be difficult to know how best to honor the memory without contributing to pain.

Grief counselors generally agree on some basic guidelines that can help you manage a personal loss or help you support those in mourning during the holiday season.

If you are the grieving person:

• Allow yourself the right to grieve. American culture has a tough time with death. For some reason, there is pressure to get on with life within a year after a loss. That expectation is unrealistic and unfair. Most people take three to five years to fully accept the loss of someone they loved. If someone dear to you died during this past year, remind yourself that it’s normal and healthy to want to bow out of some of the events of the winter holidays that emphasize family and togetherness when you are feeling alone in a new and painful way.

• Take care of yourself. Discipline yourself to get enough sleep, to eat right, and to follow your normal routines – especially if you don’t feel like it. You’ll be better able to make good decisions about what makes sense for you to do over the holiday season.
• Plan ahead. Do you want to be alone or will being with those who love you ease the pain? Really think about it. Sometimes being alone makes the aloneness much too hard to bear. Sometimes being in a crowd is overwhelming. Only you know what is best for you. Talk to key family members and ask them to support you in whichever decision you make.
• Rethink hosting the party. If yours is the usual gathering place, think about whether you want to do it this year. Some people like getting lost in the details of planning and managing a dinner for twelve. But if you are one of those who finds it just too hard to make a party when in mourning, know that it’s okay to be “selfish” in times like these and to beg off. People who love you will understand. Those who don’t aren’t worth worrying about. At the very least, ask for help and accept all offers to spread the responsibilities around.
• Give people permission to share stories. Many people have the idea that the best way to help someone in grief is to avoid talking about the person who has passed. Most of the time, they are mistaken. When we stop talking about someone is when they are really lost to the family. Let people know that as hard as it is that the person is no longer with us, it’s important to remember the good times, to laugh about funny things they did or said, and to acknowledge that he or she is missed.
• Do things a little differently. For some people, doing the usual traditions and celebrations makes the loved one’s absence all the more painful. Think about whether doing things a bit differently or going to a different place would be helpful.

If you are a family member or friend of someone who is grieving:

• Allow the person the right to grieve. Everyone does it differently. Some people want to withdraw from the world and work through their sadness alone. At the other end of the spectrum are those who manage by carrying on as usual and tempering the pain through the distraction of people and parties. Carefully consider what your loved one needs, not what you would do in the situation.

• Take care. If you notice that your family member or friend isn’t eating, getting enough sleep, or functioning well at home and work, don’t ignore it. These are signs that the person is possibly getting clinically depressed. Invite the person to a meal. Talk to her about the importance of maintaining routines. If her inability to take care of herself is prolonged, do what you can to get her to a counselor.
• Plan ahead. Ask the person in mourning what he wants to have happen at family events. How would he like to acknowledge the loss and at the same time keep the holiday going for everyone? Some families literally set an empty place at the table and take a moment to share anecdotes about the person who has passed away. Others make a toast to the memories. Still others offer a prayer. Talk together about what will feel best for everyone involved.
• Offer help. If the grieving person is the one who usually hosts family gatherings, see if someone else can offer to do it this year. If she wants to keep up the tradition, get as many family members as possible to help with the shopping, cooking, cleaning, decorating, and whatever else needs to be done.
• Talk to the grieving person about the loss. Listen without judgment. Resist giving advice. Just be there. Understand that grief comes and goes in intensity and frequency for quite awhile. It is by talking and listening that we all integrate sadness and gradually move on.
• Try out a new activity that was never shared by the person who is gone. It’s helpful to do some things that aren’t shadowed by the fact that the last time we did them, the deceased person shared it. If people like the new ideas, they can become part of the family tradition. Or not. Leave that decision for next year.

Time does indeed heal most things. But everyone has his or her own sense of timing. If this is your first holiday season since the loss of a loved one, give yourself permission to feel what you need to feel and do what you need to do to get through it. Find ways to honor the memory of your loved one and to accept the support and care of those who love you.

If you are a friend or family member of someone who is grieving, give them support, love, and concrete assistance. By talking about their loved one and by listening to their stories and feelings, you help reassure them that the sadness may fade but our relationships with people we love never really end.

Katy required a 7-hour brain surgery while fully awake, so she could respond to questions from the surgeons. During the surgery, which involved temporary removal of her skull, her head was nailed into an MRI. She could hear and smell the drilling into her skull. There was risk of paralysis with surgery, but definitive risk of paralysis, or death, without it. If the operation were successful, however, she would be OK.

As Katy told the story of the discovery of the tumor and its implications to her friends and family, a common response was, “Wow — you’re really lucky!” Hmm… only 7 in 100,000 people get a brain tumor like this and it happened to her. Is that really being “lucky?”

What they really meant was, “Oh my God, what if you hadn’t had the concussion and didn’t discover the tumor in time?” Yes, it could have been worse. She could have been robbed of the chance to have surgery and possible cure.

But how is it that upon hearing such a story the word “lucky” comes to mind? Why do people say this? It’s not uncommon for people to respond to tragedies in this way, even sometimes their own.

The reasons aren’t that different from those behind comments made to the grief-stricken that their deceased loved one is “better off.” Mostly, such responses are unconsciously designed to make the person saying them more comfortable, but can invalidate the pain of the one who’s suffering. It’s uncomfortable to talk about frightening and painful things, or to imagine ourselves in the shoes of someone with such a scary fate.

People often avoid and isolate those who are grieving or have terminal illnesses, either literally or emotionally. They don’t know what to say or how to act — staying far enough away to preclude being able to really relate. They change the topic to the luck of it all or steer clear of talking about the elephant in the room. We need to keep a comfortable distance from another’s tragic fate and the reality that it could happen to us. It helps to remove ourselves and focus on the interesting coincidence, the positive, and how things could have been worse.

Gratitude can foster resilience to better help weather life’s misfortunes.

It’s one thing, however, to cope with our own tragedies by focusing on the silver lining and maintaining a positive perspective. Focusing on the positive can be adaptive as a way to feel hope and not sink into despair, giving us time to adjust. Similarly, gratitude, achieved from within through genuine, hard-earned acceptance and perspective can foster resilience to weather misfortune.

But when someone we care about is suffering tragedy or ill fate, understanding their subjective experience by listening carefully and following their lead can inform our sense of how to respond in a way that would be comforting to them. Some people do need to avoid facing painful realities at times and feel better when others join with them in this way. In that situation, however, an optimistic perspective is truly an empathic response that emerges from sensing where the other person is, rather than from one’s own anxiety or helplessness. Warning signs that you may be at risk for imposing your own discomfort onto your friend or loved one, rather than being with them include feeling anxious to do something and make things better, or feeling awkward and wanting to get away.

Though it may be a well-kept secret, many people going through such tragedies privately talk of feeling isolated emotionally. Sensing that those around them feel uncomfortable, they are forced to protect family and friends from having uncomfortable feelings. They are left with nowhere to turn. Being a true friend is to have courage to step into your loved one’s shoes so they don’t feel alone or have to take care of you. Before you tell someone stricken by tragedy how lucky they are, take a moment to consider whether you would want to trade places so you could be the “lucky” one.