“Will you come with me to the next meeting?” Another parent has called. “Whenever I get in one of those meetings, I get overwhelmed. I get so upset by what the teacher and principal are saying that I end up not saying all I want to say. I don’t think they really do it on purpose but it seems I can’t get a word in.”

“I’ve got to get my son to a residential program. We just can’t handle his behaviors anymore. The school says it’s not their problem. Their problem is only providing an education. But my wife and I need relief. We want the school to help us find a place where his mental health issues can be managed and his behaviors can be controlled so he can actually learn something.” This dad was at the end of the proverbial rope.

Maybe one of these conversations — or a part of one — sounds familiar. Your child is having difficulty in school. Perhaps he has been diagnosed with ADHD or a learning disability. Maybe she has autism, a developmental disability or a significant behavior problem. You know your child is entitled to additional support but the school doesn’t respond as you had hoped to your requests for services. With every passing month, you know that opportunities to ameliorate the situation are being lost and the behavior may be growing worse or more entrenched. You are frustrated, upset for your child and just upset. What can you do?

While trying to manage a challenging or troubled child, we parents are somehow also expected to know how to navigate the complicated legal and social systems that could provide help. The school is often our first point of entry to getting the extra supports our child needs. But it isn’t easy. Often it’s contentious. We’re rank beginners while the school personnel have knowledge and experience from working with other families. Even when everyone is well-intended, it can feel like a conflicted situation from the start.

Tips for becoming a successful advocate:

• A little understanding goes a long way. Like everyplace else, schools are straining to stay within budgets and to stretch their money the best they can. Yes, we all understand that. But when it’s our own child who is suffering or whose learning is falling behind, it’s hard to stay compassionate. One parent I know was told by a distressed special education director, “If we send your child to a residential school, it means that we may have to let go of a kindergarten teacher next year.” It wasn’t legal or helpful for her to say it. But that doesn’t mean that it wasn’t the truth. Kids with big needs cost the community big bucks. Services for one child can mean that 20 other kids are in an overcrowded classroom. We do have to advocate well for our children, but it helps us be more collaborative when we can also appreciate the position it puts school officials in.
• Get support for yourself. Joining a parent support group or talking with other parents who have kids with special needs can be both a relief and a help. Some of those parents are way ahead of you in the process. They know the ropes. They can provide you with important factual information and they can give you emotional support when you need it. Many communities also have volunteer and professional advocates who can explain the law to you and go with you to meetings to make sure you get heard and that the school responds as it should. If it’s a paid service, consider whether some money spent now can prevent higher-cost legal help later.
• Know your child’s rights. It’s very important to be conversant with your state’s education laws and the policies of the local school system. That way you won’t waste people’s time by asking for things that you aren’t entitled to. You will be taken more seriously by administrators if you have taken the time to learn and understand what you have to work with.
• Always prepare for meetings. Take along a list of talking points and questions. Your time is valuable. So is the time of the people convened to meet with you. You want to use the time you have as best as you can.
• Always take your partner or a friend with you to meetings. Often there are six or more professionals arrayed around the table. It can be daunting. It’s very difficult to take in everything that is said in a meeting when you are emotionally invested. When you have an ally with you, it’s easier to stay focused and to make sure you cover everything you want to cover.
• Leave younger children at home. Small children aren’t always cooperative when parents need to be focused. If you can’t afford a sitter, ask a neighbor or relative for a child care swap. If you really, truly can’t find someone to take care of your younger child, make sure you bring a snack and something to keep the child busy while you talk.
• Work with the school personnel, not against them. That means being open-minded as they try to find ways to meet both your child’s needs and the needs of the other children they serve. Sometimes there are creative, less expensive ways to provide support beside adding staff or sending a child to an out-of-school placement. Interns from local colleges, some parent participation, or in-home support are options that should at least be explored. There is usually more than one way to help a child be successful.
• Keep your cool. It is never helpful to approach with anger and threats people who have something we need. It only makes the other person defensive and resistant. Keep your sense of humor. If you find yourself reaching the boiling point, end the phone call or meeting before you say something you’ll regret or that may backfire on your child. You don’t want to have school personnel running for cover when you want to talk to them. You want their willing participation in solving your child’s problem.
• When following up, don’t wear out your welcome. Yes, you do need to have regular contact about how your child is doing and whether supports are in place. But if you attempt to micro-manage, school personnel are going to become “deaf” to your requests. Keep calls to a minimum. Always have a clear idea of what you want to accomplish before you call or ask for a meeting. School staff are legitimately busy with often a dozen or more other parents who have equally compelling needs.

Somebody, somewhere, declared April to be Autism Awareness Month. I’m all for it. We need to be more aware of it so that children are diagnosed early and accurately to make sure that they get the treatment they need.

What is Autism?

Autism is a neurological disorder that usually becomes apparent by the age of 3 if people know what to look for. Part of the problem in diagnosing autism is the wide range of possible behaviors and abilities. However, there is usually a distinct pattern of significant impairment in three major areas:

• Impairment in reciprocal social interaction. Children who are on the autism spectrum don’t get the give and take of conversation and sharing of experience. Even when very little, neurotypical kids will point to things that interest them so that others will see it too. They will babble back and forth, imitating conversation. Autistic kids seem to be in their own world, uninterested in sharing it with others or unable to understand that other people aren’t as interested as they are in their obsession of the moment. Higher-functioning kids with autism may come off as rude, clueless, or self-centered because of their apparent inability to read what is socially appropriate at any given time.
• Impairment in communication skills. Their language may be unusual, stilted, or limited. High-functioning kids on the spectrum may have large vocabularies but may use words incorrectly or idiosyncratically. Lower-functioning kids may not speak at all.
• Presence of stereotyped behaviors, interests, and activities.Spinning, flapping, and finger-flicking are common in young kids and even in some autistic adults. Many rock to comfort themselves. Children may develop an intense obsessive interest in just about anything. I’ve known kids who are walking encyclopedias about pirates or fishing or who know every detail of every one of the Star Wars movies. They can talk for hours about their “thing” but are unable to have even a brief conversation about almost anything else.Some of the more disabled kids with autism I’ve known have been obsessed with things such as different kinds of tires, ceiling fans or string. They are happiest when they can watch or play with their particular interest. High-functioning autistic adults may become experts in arcane academic or technical areas, again to the exclusion of almost everything else.

  In addition, many of these children show sensory processing disorders. They can be intensely over- or under-sensitive to sensory stimulation (lights, sounds, smells, or touch). Some are unable to stand the buzz of fluorescent lights or the smell of certain foods, the sensation of certain fabrics or changes in temperature, to name only a few examples. Some have a very high tolerance for pain. (A school program called me recently because a teenaged girl seemed to feel no pain when she pulled off fingernails.) Some can’t manage any discomfort at all. I know one preschooler who walks on tip-toe whenever he is barefoot because he can’t tolerate how grit feels on his feet.

Autism is associated with a known medical condition in only 10 to 20 percent of cases. It is thought to be genetic since 60 to 90 percent of identical twins both have it while in fraternal twins it is less than 5 percent. As yet, there is no genetic test or brain scan or medical test to use for diagnosis. We rely on observation and the experience of professionals.

Why Does the Prevalence Rate Keep Growing?

In my professional lifetime, the odds of a child having autism have kept growing. In the 1970s, the statistic worldwide was 4 in 10,000. Between 1985-1995, the number tripled to 12 in 10,000. The rate was estimated to be 1 in 155 by 2002; 1 in 110 in 2006 and 1 in 88 in 2008. Some studies are now suggesting that it afflicts 1 in 50 kids in the U.S.

What happened? Partly it’s about a change in the acceptance of autism as a genuine, distinct disorder. Partly it’s due to a change over time in the description of criteria and the number of criteria that need to be met to make a diagnosis.

When I was in graduate school in the early 1970s, we were using the DSM-II. Autism isn’t mentioned except as a subset of childhood schizophrenia. Frankly, back then, I’d never heard of it. When DSM-III came along in 1980, a section on infantile autism was added and the first effort was made to delineate criteria. It took until the DSM-IIIR in 1987 for autism disorder to appear with a well-articulated set of 16 criteria, 8 of which had to be present to warrant a diagnosis. By the time the DSM-IV (1994) and DSM-IVR (2000) came out, the number of criteria had been reduced to 12, with 6 being needed for a diagnosis. With each succeeding edition, mental health professionals became more aware of autism as a possible diagnosis.

At least some of the increase in prevalence is due to that awareness on the part of professionals. Some of it is probably because kids who at one time might have been diagnosed with psychosis or retardation or hyperactivity are now being assigned the diagnosis of autism. And some of it is due to the fact that parents and teachers have become much more attuned to the possibility that a child is on the autism spectrum, so evaluations are occurring at a much earlier age. Finally, it’s possible that there is something going on in our environment or in genetics that is causing an increase in the disorder. That last one remains a mystery.

What if You Suspect Your Child Has Autism?

With the increase in autism prevalence and awareness has come an increased sophistication in screening. A diagnosis of autism is rarely assigned before 15 to 18 months of age. If by then you suspect that your child isn’t developing as he or she should, you can first go to one of the many websites that have quizzes and checklists for the symptoms of autism for the age of your child. But please don’t go on the results of those websites alone. There are many reasons why a child may not be keeping up with peers. It’s just a good, if crude, first effort.

The next step is to ask your pediatrician to take a look at your web-based checklists and to decide if a referral to an autism screening team is advisable. There are early childhood interventions (EI) teams all over the U.S. who can make a more refined diagnosis and who can offer treatment if it is needed. If there is no EI team nearby, there is probably a diagnostic team in a mental health clinic or children’s hospital near you. An accurate diagnosis is essential. Diagnosis is what determines what types of treat may be the most helpful for your child.

Early Intervention Matters

There is no cure for autism but when children get intense and appropriate treatment early on, preferably before age 3, many can and do learn compensatory skills. Excellent programs provide physical, occupational and speech therapy as well as coaching in social and language skills for the child. They also provide coaching and support for parents so they can reinforce and continue the treatment at home. If there is no comprehensive program nearby, there is often a resource center connected with a school or with a medical center that can help families get the services the child needs.

This is Pepperdine University Professor of Psychology and private practitioner Cozolino’s fourth “Neuroscience of” book, following The Neuroscience of Pscyhotherapy’s first and second editions (2002, 2010, Norton) and The Neuroscience of Human Relationships (2006, Norton). The Social Neuroscience of Education shares the most current neurological and sociological intelligence about creating classrooms that offer and reward emotional empowerment, where brains are “turned on” so that students can connect and enjoy learning. And just as important as turning on students’ brains, Cozolino points out, is supporting educators: Attachment learning provides the same fertile foundation to excite and challenge teachers.

The book falls into four sections: the evolution of our brain and its relevance to relationships, how to turn brains off, how to turn brains on, and how to apply the concepts of social neuroscience in the classroom. Throughout, Cozolino cites scientific evidence, anecdotal narratives, and the wisdom of the ages through short, relevant quotes that help clarify the hefty propositions he presents to readers.

Page after page, his research returns the same finding: that how we socialize affects how we learn. It’s buttressed by the study of evolution, which teaches us that we forever adapt and re-adapt to an ever-changing world. It’s also supported by our understanding of neurology. As Cozolino writes, “We have an estimated 100 billion neurons with between 10 and 10,00 connections each, creating limitless networking possibilities.” These neurotransmitters form synaptic connections and combine new learning with our existing memory. Recent research confirms that, in humans, new neurons reshape, rather than replace, networks containing existing knowledge.

“In other words, instead of being replaced by new neurons as they are in many other animals,” the author explains, “existing neurons are preserved, modified, and expanded in ways that support the retention of memory, deepen existing skills, and further the development of expert knowledge.” Thus, as we grow, live, and learn, we have the capacity to change, to create new memories while holding on to the truths that form the essence of ourselves.

Because of this, we need not be defined solely and for a lifetime by our earliest experiences. In fact, educators who take a special interest in at-risk children and who are supported by school administrators and curricula are able to improve the students’ emotional and cognitive learning. Supportive and encouraging classroom environments can stimulate, enhance, and rewrite emotional communication and brain development, Cozolino tells us.

I’m comforted to learn I can line my daughters’ and even their daughters’ minds with reassuring feelings that remain with them, knowing that the social brain has the flexibility to inherit new emotional connections while holding on to old ones as well.

Cozolino points out, however, that his theory works both ways. Currently, educational models and classroom environments are turning brains off at an alarming rate. From student fear to teacher burnout, the endless ways emotion and socializing alter the success of both students and educators is evident in the increasingly poor perception of public schools as well as rocketing dropout rates. In countless schools across the country, teacher burnout is considered inevitable, given the sheer number of at-risk students entering the classroom. Educators facing unrelenting stress have poorer health. Lack of sleep and absenteeism in turn lessens quality of life, dedication to the classroom, and student tolerance and performance.

But, says Cozolino, count on a Jewish proverb to address such issues: “One mother can achieve more than a hundred teachers.” The human touch, those healthy and secure attachments found in loving homes, are the chicken soup ingredients of a successful classroom as well. In one situation after the next, Cozolino conveys how caring parents or caring educators are fundamental to the healthy emotional communication required for learning — an ability hard-wired into our brains if it’s tapped.

Educator Marva Collins is one example of what happens with “unteachable” students when teacher burnout is no longer present. In the 1970s, out of sheer frustration with the Chicago’s public school system, Collins started a charter school for children considered unteachable. According to Cozolino,

“Ms. Collins’s message is as simple as it is profound: There are no miracles in successful education…. She recognizes the devastating effects of shame, rejection, and isolation reflected in the faces of the students who came to her for help. Her antidote to shame is love and total dedication to each student. Her philosophy of education is grounded in compassion, and an appreciation of the total child.”

Collins also supports physical contact, Cozolino tells us, from hand-holding to hugs, turning the classroom into the ideal nurturing family environment filled with positive support.  “Although the brain is not a muscle,” the author writes, “it responds like a muscle by growing when stimulated and shrinking when unstimulated.”

The book concludes with an emphasis on emotional security. A quote from Lao Tzu — “Being loved gives you strength, loving someone gives you courage” — speaks to the benefits of a caring environment where attachment-based thinking allows students and educators to thrive without fear, shame, or bullying. Ultimately, successful learning resides in humanity and in the hearts of parents and educators who allow students to blossom into curious and creative minds. These students in turn become the mothers, fathers, and educators who can make our world a place where the quest to learn turns into a lifelong ambition paid forward. Its benefits, Cozolino says, are abundant and enduring.

The Social Neuroscience of Education:  Optimizing Attachment and Learning in the Classroom
W. W. Norton & Company, January, 2013
Hardcover, 440 pages
$37.50

This sparked a dialogue about how they gauge success. Marter’s knee-jerk reaction was to say that success excludes dicey circumstances such as driving under the influence or dropping out of school.

“Thankfully, I quickly regrouped from this position of fear-based and judgmental thinking and realized I do not truly believe any of those experiences or other life challenges mean somebody has failed or is not successful,” she said.

Hardships make us human and give us the opportunity to grow, she said. None of us is perfect or remains unscathed in life.

Marter’s guests offered myriad definitions, everything from education to prosperity to resiliency to health to happiness.

So what is success? What does being a success look like? Below, Marter and other clinicians spill their views on success.

According to Marter, also owner of the counseling practice Urban Balance, success is authenticity and mindfulness.

Success is to live life openly, authentically, and lovingly in a way that is aligned with the highest good of self and others.

Furthermore, when one is mindfully rooted in the present moment and engaged in relationships and work that promote a loving growth of human consciousness, one is joyous and prosperous. And so, this is my wish for myself, my children and for all humankind.

Christina G. Hibbert, Psy.D, a clinical psychologist and postpartum mental health expert, summarized success in three words: faith, love and joy.

To be successful in my work means that I am able to touch others’ lives, to help them know they are not alone, and to impart some bit of joy or wisdom that will leave them better than before.

To be successful in my family means to love — to listen, to say I’m sorry when I’m wrong, to encourage, uplift, and to always strive to give the best of my time, talents, and heart.

To be successful as a human being means to continually examine myself, my motives, and my works; to connect spiritually, listen to what my Creator has in mind for me, and trust the process — to be open to learning and improving, and willing to share myself and serve gladly.

I guess overall, for me, success = faith, love, and joy (my three-word motto) — striving to do and be my personal best in work, family, and as a human being, forgiving myself when I’m not, picking myself back up, and diligently pressing forward again.

For Deborah Serani, Psy.D, a clinical psychologist and author of the book Living with Depression, success lies in the everyday, in the journey from setting a goal to realizing it.

For me, success is when I set a realistic goal, enjoy the journey as it unfolds and dwell in the momentary satisfaction when it all comes together. From cooking a new recipe, to learning a new yoga pose or taking a challenge that stretches my comfort zone, it’s the entire experience that offers me a sense of well-being. Success can be found in little things and big things. The key is to enjoy the ride once you set out on your material or existential destination.

Ryan Howes, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist and author of the blog “In Therapy,” also prefers to focus on the flight, instead of the landing.

I try (really, really try!) to view life as a journey rather than a series of goals to be attained. I always feel less stressed and better able to focus on today when I’m in that mindset. With that framework, I try to view success as something to which I aspire rather than a goal with a finish line.

For me, success is achieving a healthy balance between the most important areas of my life. These include family and social relationships, occupational pursuits, hobbies, diet, exercise, rest, my spiritual life, and the continued pursuit of self-understanding.

I don’t think I’ve achieved this balance yet, as I only seem to maintain focus on one or two areas at a time. I may never find a way to keep all these plates spinning at once, but I will try for the rest of my life!

Jeffrey Sumber, M.A., a psychotherapist, author and teacher, described success as a triumph over trials and fear.

Success is overcoming challenges internal and external that at one time felt impossible or overbearing but with hard work and discipline I was able to rise above the fear or anxiety.

For most people success is a shifting concept, which transforms over time. It’s been for John Duffy, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist and author of the book The Available Parent: Radical Optimism for Raising Teens and Tweens. Today, his view includes being of service to others and being satisfied with his life.

My definition of success has shifted greatly over the years. I used to think I had to accomplish something that others deemed “great” in order to consider myself successful.

Today, I find success in happiness, kindness, and helpfulness. I find success in loving, connected, available relationships, in my family and elsewhere in my life, including my relationship with myself.

In order to feel fully successful, I feel I need to continue to find new ways to reach out to others and give of myself. Finally, I don’t think I could ever feel successful without a degree of happiness, contentment and humor.

Success has many faces. The definition just depends on who you ask. And that’s the magic of success: You get to figure out what it looks like for you.

And, most important, books are life-changers. The kind that change your career, how you interact with loved ones or how you see the world.

Below, in our monthly series, therapists spill about the books that have changed their lives for the better.

The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran

This book had a powerful effect on psychotherapist Jeffrey Sumber’s perspective on life and love.

Kahlil Gibran’s The Prophet had a huge impact on me as a young man because he was able to address the major elements of life, love and relationship through a poetic angle. There is such beauty and truth to Gibran’s book that I often considered it to be a beautiful version of the Bible without all the names and killing.

I remember sitting on a huge sand dune in the Sinai Desert when I was 21 years old, reading this book and meditating on its meaning in my life. I wish more people read this.

Siddhartha by Herman Hesse

Siddhartha is another pivotal book for Sumber, a teacher and author. He also recommends the book to clients who are stuck in life’s “shoulds:” My life should look like this. I should be doing that.

Siddhartha follows the story of a young man who seeks his own illumination but everything he accomplishes never seems to be enough.

At first many people feel that this fictional book about an Indian man in the Far East has little to do with them until they start to see themselves in his journey. The ups and downs, achievements and challenges all seem to resonate at our core because the overall message of the book is so simple in the end.

Sometimes we get more mileage by just stopping, breathing and contemplating life as it passes by.

A Prayer for Owen Meany by John Irving

John Duffy, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist and author of the book The Available Parent: Radical Optimism for Raising Teens and Tweens, loves the redemptive endings and hope inherent in Irving’s writing, particularly in A Prayer for Owen Meany.

Irving is brilliant with language, his wild descriptions of family and relationship dysfunction that, in the end, ring fairly true and lie just beyond the norm. There are no clearly delineated villains or angels. Instead, Irving characters are painfully, blessedly human, flawed and terrified and perfectly drawn.

On the whole, though, as bizarre as his stories are, this one in particular, the plot always sits atop an undercurrent of hope and love. It’s a joy to read.

The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein

This book is a favorite of Deborah Serani, Psy.D, a clinical psychologist and author of Living with Depression. She still finds it stirring today.

As a young girl, Shel Silverstein’s The Giving Tree was a book that I read over and over again. Of course, at first I didn’t really understand its message, but as time passed I realized that it was a story of unconditional love. It still moves me whenever I pick it up to read.

Freud and Beyond by Stephen Mitchell and Margaret Black

Serani’s other favorite is Freud and Beyond, which she also uses as a teaching tool with her graduate students.

As an adult, I have to say that Freud and Beyond by Stephen Mitchell and Margaret Black is one of my favorites books because it beautifully details the origins of psychodynamic psychotherapy from Freud ‘til present time. Chapters cover many schools of thought and give the reader a great taste of theories, technique and practice.

Pig Will and Pig Won’t by Richard Scarry

This childhood book was one of two that led to a significant decision for Joyce Marter, a psychotherapist and owner of Urban Balance.

The two books that have impacted me the most are vastly different from one another, yet the combination of messages I received from each of them sheds tremendous light on why I became a therapist.

The first book was from my childhood, Richard Scarry’s Pig Will and Pig Won’t, which inspired me to choose and develop one of my primary modes of operation. In the story, Pig Will and Pig Won’t are brothers who respond differently when asked to help with chores and other acts of service.

Pig Won’t declines opportunities to help and misses out on the sometimes surprising rewards that come to Pig Will for choosing to be of service to others, such as feeling connected to his community, taking pride in shared accomplishments, or simply being taken out for chocolate ice cream.

At a young age, this story helped me consciously choose to take the path of engaging in life opportunities to be of service to others, and I am grateful that this decision has resulted in countless rewards and blessings both personally and professionally.

Dr. Pennebaker, psychology department chair at the University of Texas at Austin, has made his mark on social psychology in the last 30 years. His latest book, The Secret Life of Pronouns, is a treasure map to his most recent research.

Though first interested in content words (which have inherent meaning, such as “old” or “woman”), Pennebaker and his team soon realized that function words (which connect and organize content words) were far more prevalent, accounting for 55 percent of our words. Pronouns — I, she, it — are the most obvious function words. Other word categories important for their function, rather than meaning, include articles, negations, and quantifiers.

Without statistics and a computer, picking up the subtle nuances of language is difficult. Luckily, the team has both. Each chapter discusses different studies conducted to analyze function words in different contexts, which revealed the relationships between pronouns and poets, presidents, and the public.

As Pennebaker puts it:

Our emotions influence our thinking, which is reflected in the ways we use function words. By extension, function words can give us a sense of how other people are thinking and feeling. They also serve as public announcements alerting others to our own emotional states, our thinking patterns, and where we are paying attention (p. 130).

The chapter on personality and pronouns was especially interesting. The researchers used the idea of a projective test, in which people are thought to project aspects of their unconscious onto a picture they are describing. (Think of the infamous Rorschach inkblots.) Though helpful for understanding people in therapy, most psychologists dismiss these tests beyond that, because they are impossible to score objectively.

In Pennebaker’s experiment, subjects were asked to describe a photograph of a water bottle. The twist came when Pennebaker ran these descriptions through his word analysis program. Distinct personality traits emerged that correlated to the way people described the bottle. For example, among college students who described the bottle, those who focused on light and shadow made higher grades, attended more art shows, played computer games, and enjoyed vacuuming.

Pennebaker’s book is accessible to casual readers and stimulating for highly educated readers. Psychologists will be a bit bogged down by descriptions of basic concepts such as the Rorschach test and Freudian slips, but will enjoy the flow of the chapters, which together form a much more comprehensive picture than a single study. Pennebaker ties together strings of years of research and seemingly unrelated findings under headings such as The Words of Age, Sex, and Power and Lying Words.

Regardless of background in psychology, the book is fun to read for the new awareness of words it creates. Pennebaker equips the audience with practical ways to understand the language swirling around them. He instructs readers to put the book down and visit his website, to try a mini-version of an experiment he’s done. He discusses how he felt when he analyzed his own emails and discovered inherent status hierarchies embedded in his writing, and points readers to the same word analysis program. Never too lofty or caught up in abstractions, Pennebaker constantly gives concrete applications. The end of the book includes “A Handy Guide for Spotting and Interpreting Function Words in the Wild.”

I felt like a language ninja after I finished reading: aware of pronouns, word usage and speech patterns that no one else could detect. Everyone from statisticians to beauticians will enjoy becoming “word sleuths.” This is real research that’s as fun as pop psychology.

If you’re interested in Shakespeare, Carroll, the tweets of Paris Hilton, the Federalist Papers, clues to deception, campaign speeches, psycholinguistics, or anything in between, this book is for you. Find it at an online bookseller for $20, and begin your foray into the secret life of pronouns.

Online opportunities for learning and for earning college degrees have become pervasive in the last 10 years. Most two- and four-year colleges now offer online options. For-profit colleges that exist solely online now offer both undergraduate and graduate degrees.

Consortiums such as Coursera, a tech company that partners with universities worldwide, offer non-degree oriented, free classes for people who simply want to learn new things. This is a sea change in education.

And yet… Only 50 percent of students who register for online classes succeed. (This is compared to an average of 70 percent of students in traditional campus classes.) It’s not because those who fail aren’t smart. It’s not because they don’t have good intentions. Research has identified factors that have more to do with a student’s psychology than intelligence. My own experience as a teacher of online classes leads me to the same conclusion.

If you are considering taking online courses and want to be in the 50 percent who make it through (and with good grades), here are at least some of the variables that make a difference:

Be realistic about what you are taking on.

There seems to be a myth among at least some students that online classes are easier than campus classes. Generally they aren’t. You are signing on to wrestle with new material, to master new skills, or to increase your own knowledge base. A good online class will be as challenging as any course you’ve taken in a brick building.

Be realistic about your reality.

Most online students are adults with adult lives. That means families, jobs, and complicated schedules. Be sure you really have the time and energy to put eight to 10 hours a week into reading, researching and responding. Often the students who have had to drop my class have found it overwhelming to fit class work into already over-stressed lives. One man who did very well for the first few weeks found to his dismay that he had underestimated the effect of a new baby in the house. The needs of the baby and his need for sleep overwhelmed his ability to focus on the class.

Whatever your good intentions and optimism, there are only so many hours in a day and you only have so much energy. Before writing the check to take a class, be sure you can fit it into your schedule.

Be realistic about your own motivation and maturity.

Online learning requires that you “show up” and show up regularly. Often you will be responsible for making submissions that other students need in order to keep a discussion going. Since there is no set time to participate in class, it’s easy to let a day or two or four go by because of other obligations. That’s a setup for failure.

More than a few of my students have fallen by the wayside due to major issues with procrastination. If you procrastinate and get behind, it becomes harder and harder to get caught up. If you are irresponsible about doing your share of group work or getting assignments done on time, you risk alienating your classmates and annoying your teacher, who doesn’t have the time or the responsibility to chase you.

Be realistic about your time management skills.

Succeeding online means logging in every day or at least 5 days a week. It means doing the reading so you can do the assessments and assignments. It means taking the time to participate in the class discussions. Students in my classes who succeed treat the online course very much like a part-time job. They set aside regular, predictable time to do the work. They keep a calendar to make sure they meet deadlines and immediately do makeup work if they had to be “absent” for a day.

Be realistic about your willingness to engage with others.

Ironically, your professor and classmates will get to know you online at least as well, and often better, than if you were sitting together in class. Campus students can be virtually invisible by not volunteering in class. Online learning requires that you be out there, visible and engaged. Success comes to those who post regularly, who show that they have thought hard about the readings, and who contribute novel and interesting ideas to discussions.

Success also comes from encouraging others, from asking good questions, and from being willing to be challenged. When people engage in discussions without attacking others and without being defensive about their own contributions, discussions can be very rich and meaningful. One of my classes only requires three posts a week. The students who do best in terms of mastering the material are often showing up 10 – 12 times, sometimes with just a word or two of encouragement for a classmate, sometimes with a new insight into the material, sometimes with an anecdote from their own life that highlights something we’re talking about. These are the students who breathe life into the class. Often they are also the students who truly master the course.

Be realistic about your skill with words.

For now, at least, online learning generally requires communicating well in writing. “Discussions” are all by posts. Group work is through written chats within the class. Your words represent you. Poor grammar, spelling mistakes, rambling prose, or confusing paragraphs will get in the way of success, no matter how good your ideas may be. Teachers and peers don’t have the energy and patience to decipher your meaning. If you aren’t confident about your ability to communicate well in writing, it would be wise to get a tutor to help you hone your skills before tackling a course online. Another option is to first take an online course in expository writing.

Be realistic about your skill on a computer.

If you aren’t a reasonably competent typist, if you don’t know your way around Word or have difficulty learning how to navigate a platform, you’ll quickly become frustrated with the whole enterprise. Frustrated people tend to get anxious and annoyed. Often they fall behind and then get so discouraged they drop out. And please: Don’t do as one of my students did and ask your mother to do your typing. He often lost points because she didn’t have time to be his typist when he had deadlines. More to the point, it made me question who was really writing the responses.

It’s a new world. I fully expect that the boundaries between campus and online learning will continue to blur as an inevitable outcome of technological advances. The best online students are those who find it exciting to be on the cutting edge of change and who engage in class with curiosity and enthusiasm. As for me, I thoroughly enjoy getting to know my online students and watching them stretch and grow through their interactions with the materials and with the class.

When my three children were young, we homeschooled off and on throughout the elementary school years. My son Dan, in particular, loved the freedom of being able to explore his interests as he pleased. He continued homeschooling throughout high school, and received his diploma from a nontraditional school that works with homeschoolers. Always bright and self-motivated, he was truly born to homeschool. He has since graduated college.

His diagnosis of obsessive-compulsive disorder didn’t come until after he graduated high school, and while he had known something was wrong for “a while,” his father and I didn’t have a clue. So the decision to homeschool, on our part, had nothing to do with the fact that Dan has OCD. From Dan’s point of view, it was how he learned best. He did give high school a try for a few months in ninth grade, but decided to leave so he could “continue his education.” Whether his OCD played a part in that decision or not, I don’t really know. But I do know that Dan genuinely loves learning, and he and homeschooling were a great fit.

Over the years, I’ve noticed, mostly from talking with people and reading blogs, that a considerable number of children with OCD are homeschooling. This is a totally unscientific observation; I don’t have any statistics. But I do have a question: Why? No doubt everyone has their own reasons, but some possible explanations might include:

• OCD often is associated with above-average intelligence, as well as creativity, and these two attributes do not always mesh well with traditional schooling.
• The school is unable or unwilling to meet the child’s special needs (even though they are legally bound to do so).
• The child refuses to attend school. This might be directly related to the OCD (for example, he or she may believe the school is contaminated), or indirectly related (the child is being bullied because of his or her odd behaviors).
• The child is willing to attend school but parents feel it is advantageous (in reference to OCD) to keep the child home.
• The parents or child believe homeschooling is the best way for this particular child to learn (independent of any issues with OCD).

I believe in homeschooling. While I know it’s not for everyone, it can be a rewarding experience for parents and children who undertake it for the right reasons.

But if your child has left school or has never attended solely because he or she has obsessive-compulsive disorder, it may be a good idea to reevaluate the situation. It’s true that school might be a fervent breeding ground for OCD triggers, but is avoiding it the right thing to do?

To complicate matters more, for those also dealing with social anxiety and perfectionism, school can be torturous. I know it’s easy to say “avoidance is never the answer,” but when you have a child who is terrified of going to school, what do you do? Sometimes, could it be that avoiding certain situations is the right thing to do?

As with everything related to OCD, there are no easy answers. Parents, therapists, teachers, and students all need to become as educated as possible about the disorder. If it’s decided the child will attend school, the appropriate support network should be put in place. Of course, a support system is also necessary if the child is homeschooling.

Either way, the child must receive proper treatment. Exposure Response Prevention (ERP) Therapy, the frontline treatment for OCD, is actually based on facing one’s fears, and is therefore the opposite of avoidance. So the actual location of the battleground (school or home) isn’t so important. What matters is that the war against OCD is faced head-on.

I homeschooled our son until he started college at age 16. But mentally, I wasn’t done homeschooling. So I wrote a series of math books, showing how I taught my son, and began tutoring kids who were struggling in math. Of all the kids I tutored, there were two that struck me as oddly similar. Just looking at them you wouldn’t see any similarities, but when it came to learning, they were identical.

They were both smart, but neither one of them knew it. They both had the ability to learn, but they were so easily distracted that they had a hard time concentrating. They both paid so much attention to every detail that even the slightest change in scenery would bring about a whole host of questions. Every foreign object would be questioned. Every sound would need an explanation. For them, holding still and listening was as hard as learning math.

These two kids wanted to learn, but it was as if there was something constantly pulling their attention away. Imagine yourself having a conversation with the most boring person you’ve ever met. You are looking at the person and you can hear him, but you are actually paying more attention to the interesting conversation going on behind you. You have the ability to follow this conversation, but your attention is being pulled behind you. That’s how these two kids seemed to me. I couldn’t hold their attention long enough to get through a whole lesson. There was always something else in the room that got their attention before I did.

My husband overheard us and he bluntly told me, “You need to discipline those kids. They need to sit still, stop playing with stuff, and pay attention.” I agreed with him, but when I tried to be stern with one of the boys and make him sit still and pay attention, it was as if he started melting. In fact, he almost fell asleep. I could actually see his eyes rolling back as he slowly blinked. That wasn’t working for me.

The next day, the boy happened to discover a little piece of foam, some leftover packaging material. This piece of foam immediately became his main focus. He picked it up and fidgeted with it while I tried getting through a few math problems. However, his fidgeting quickly developed into throwing this piece of foam and catching it as it banked off the couch.

I started getting a little agitated with his behavior, so I reached out to take away the piece of foam. But just then I stopped and said, “Throw it here.” He quickly threw the foam to me. I asked him, “What is seven plus seven?” As I threw the foam back to him, he thought for a second, answered “Fourteen,” and then threw the foam back to me. I asked him another math question and continued the game of catch.

At that moment I had a breakthrough. I realized that if I mildly entertained the part of his brain that was curious and fidgety, his intellectual side was ready to receive knowledge.

About that time, my husband walked by again. He couldn’t believe we were playing catch when we were supposed to be learning math. He was appalled that I was letting him get away with that kind of behavior. But then he stopped and listened. He heard the boy solving math problems with enthusiasm. He was amazed: The boy was answering math problem after math problem.

I couldn’t believe it. Once his hands and eyes were occupied, I was left with an intelligent brain waiting for information. He was a very smart boy, but when he was told to sit still and listen, he nearly had an internal meltdown. He didn’t seem to have an “off button” for his curious, fidgety side, so trying to suppress that behavior became his main focus. He couldn’t receive new information because on the inside he was in the middle of a war.

I tried this same technique with a young girl. When she showed up for class the next day, she quickly spotted a Mr. Potato Head game in the corner of the room. This became her main focus. She was not going to be able to listen to me until she had had a chance to play with the toy, so I let her spill out all the pieces. As she plugged in the different eyes and ears, I used that opportunity to explain the Slope Formula to her. If you aren’t familiar with the Slope Formula, it looks extremely complicated and confuses a lot of math students, but I have a very simple method to teach it. Within minutes, she learned the Slope Formula and said, “That was easy.” The whole time she was building a Mr. Potato Head face.

Oftentimes these kids are told they have a learning disability, such as ADD or ADHD. I say they are extremely observant people with a unique learning style that has the potential to make them highly knowledgeable. I would like to see this learning style get a new name, because when you give a young person a label that ends in the word “disorder” or “disability,” you tear down their self-esteem instantly. I prefer the term “active ntellects.”

I hope this helps you understand that you are teaching a wise, energetic person who is fully capable of learning. Embrace your child’s gift. Realize that he has the ability to multi-task. Recognize that once his hands and eyes are mildly entertained, his brain is a sponge waiting to soak up knowledge. “The heart of the prudent getteth knowledge; and the ear of the wise seeketh knowledge.” (Proverbs 18:15)

Copyright 2012, used with permission. All rights reserved by author. Originally appeared in the January 2012 issue of The Old Schoolhouse® Magazine, the trade magazine for homeschool families. Read the magazine free at www.TOSMagazine.com or read it on the go and download the free apps at www.TOSApps.com to read the magazine on your mobile devices.

For seven years, from kindergarten through sixth grade, they’ve walked through the same halls and lived by the same rules with pretty much the same kids around them. In the final year, they’ve been the “big kids” of the school, assisting as reading buddies for the kindergarteners and serving as role models for all of the younger students. Now it’s on to middle school. Now it’s on to being a preteen.

Early in my career, I taught English in what was then known as junior high. I’d watch those new seventh graders enter each year with their new backpacks and scared faces. They looked sooo young compared to the ninth graders who were the bosses of the school.

They’d often get lost trying to find their classes in a much bigger school. They’d get confused by a rotating schedule of classes. They’d forget how to find their lockers. Since four elementary schools converged in one middle school, they had to reestablish their friend groups and find new people to share a table with in the lunchroom. They had to get used to having four or five or more teachers instead of one or two. And they had to learn how to take homework much, much more seriously. No wonder they looked scared. No wonder the absence rate in the first few weeks was sky high.

Parents can do a great deal to help with the transition. When kids enter a new environment with some sense of what to expect, they are more likely to be successful and less likely to be overwhelmed. Help your child manage by taking some steps before school starts.

Getting Comfortable

• Visit the new school. Help your child figure out the layout. Some schools are organized with each grade being in a different section of the school. Others are organized by department with the English department in corridor A and the math department in corridor B. Still others are organized by “teams” of teachers working together with a set group of students in a block of classrooms.Find out how the school is organized. Then see if you can get a tour with an older student or school personnel. Walk around until your child has a sense of where to find classes, the library, the gym, and the cafeteria. Remind him that it will look different when there are hundreds of kids crowding the halls.
• See if your student can meet some of her teachers or the guidance counselor. Often staff are setting up classrooms in the weeks before school starts. Most are happy to take a couple of minutes to shake hands and say hello. Don’t overstay your welcome. These people have a lot to do. But just knowing what a few teachers look like can make your student feel more comfortable.
• Clothes. Yes, clothes. For a middle schooler, the idea of going to school looking decidedly uncool is terrifying. Help your child think about how he wants to present himself that first day. That doesn’t mean that you need to spend a lot of money on new clothes. It does mean looking together at what your child has and what he needs to feel self-confident. Check out back to school sales. But also remember that “Sal’s Boutique” (the local Salvation Army store), thrift shops, and yard sales can be treasure troves of fashion.
• Mornings. Ugh. Most middle schools start far earlier than elementary school. Two weeks before school starts, get everyone used to going to bed and getting up earlier. It’s a huge adjustment for some families. But a tired kid isn’t going to do well in school. Set up a healthy sleep routine from the start.

Author Daniel J. Siegel structures his book to be read in any order. He encourages readers to “flip the Pocket Guide open to any page and you will find an ‘entry point’ that guides you to explore, in your own way, the web of integrated knowledge.” The table of contents cover varied and numerous topics such as ‘Mindful Awareness,” the “Brainstem,” “Attachment,” and “Un-Health and Dis-Ease.” In his chapters, Siegel defines and expands his concepts as well as ensures that his readers pay attention to key ideas for the comprehension of the IPNB model. He also discusses the implication these specific concepts have for our lives.

Siegel illustrates some of his intricate ideas with visual representations. For example, he uses the “triangle of well-being” to explain how IPNB views the mind, brain and relationships as a single component rather than three separate entities.

Siegel describes integration as “the mind’s process of linking differentiated parts into a functional whole   . . . to be the fundamental mechanism of health.” He emphasizes how integration becomes the context for looking for dysfunction and the energy/informational flow becomes the focus for correcting the dysfunction. The premise is that integration creates harmony and that impaired integration leads to chaos and rigidity. When an individual’s brain or relationships are not integrated, they move into a dysfunctional state and the brain is unable to balance things in a flexible manner.

Siegel recognizes each individual’s inherent potential to become whole by their capacity to release the specific blockage that may be inhibiting their ability to integrate. He further stresses that the role of the mental health professional, teacher, or parent is to facilitate the potential for integration that is innate in everyone.

Siegel implements several methods to communicate interpersonal neurobiology’s concepts clearly and simply. I admire his efforts to draw from a wide range of fields — including genetics, anthropology, and evolutionary psychology — to incorporate into his INBP model. At times, however, his message becomes convoluted from trying to incorporate perspectives from so many other disciplines.

Someone unfamiliar with Siegel’s subject matter may have some difficulty following along. The Guide may be easier to follow for those who are already a fan of Siegel’s work in IPNB. Nonetheless, Siegel’s book does an amazing job reflecting his vast knowledge of how our brains and our relationships interact to shape our lives.

Pocket Guide to Interpersonal Neurobiology: An Integrative Handbook of the Mind
By Daniel J. Siegel
W. W. Norton & Company: April 2, 2012
Paperback, 560 pages
$29.95

Would you intervene by talking to their parents?

Some parents do pick up the phone. But they shouldn’t, according to Joyce Marter, LCPC, psychotherapist and owner of Urban Balance LLC, a multi-site counseling practice in the greater Chicago area.

Marter has run into all of these scenarios at her practice. For instance, one mom called Marter’s client to say that she didn’t want their sons spending so much time together; her son felt insecure and inadequate.

Other parents have gotten involved when their child’s friend moved away and became closer with other kids. Marter also has seen parents request that other parents change their decisions – like take away an email account or cell phone – because their child was upset or disappointed.

In all these cases, the parents no doubt mean well. They love their kids and want to protect them, Marter said.

But intervening in your child’s battles can actually backfire – and affect their development. “If we fight our kids’ battles we are unintentionally communicating that we do not believe they are capable themselves,” Marter said. Through these battles, kids learn how to communicate effectively and resolve conflicts, she said. This not only improves their self-esteem, but also helps them feel empowered, she added.

Of course, this is very different from stepping in when your child is getting bullied. (See more on bullying below.) Also, “when your child is under the direct care of another parent it is appropriate to let them know some relevant rules for your child,” Marter said. For instance, you might let them know that you’re uncomfortable with your child being left at home or walking to the store unsupervised, she said.

What To Do Instead of Intervening

Instead of intervening in your child’s social dilemmas, Marter offered the following suggestions:

1. Empathize with your child and offer emotional support. Show your child that you understand how they’re feeling, Marter said. For instance, you might say, “I can see that you are feeling very sad and frustrated.”

“This will help your child gain insight into their feelings as well as help them know you understand, which promotes trust and intimacy,” she said. Plus, it helps to diffuse emotions, she said. “Sometimes kids – and adults – keep expressing their emotions and up the ante until they feel heard.”

Also, even if your kid’s emotions seem disproportionate to the situation, let them know that their feelings are still a normal response. “A child’s ability to understand and cope with feelings is less sophisticated than ours as adults and things that may seem little to us may in fact be very big to them,” Marter said. So you might say, she said: “It is understandable that you’re feeling sad that you couldn’t play with the others.”

Showing physical and verbal affection also helps kids feel safe and loved and reminds them that they’re not alone.

2. Help your child learn how to process emotions. For instance, guide them in using deep breathing to soothe their brain and body, Marter said. This involves breathing in through your nose, down to the stomach and then out through the mouth, she said.

Teach them to release their emotions by talking about them, writing, creating art, exercising and playing, she said. Help them practice mindfulness by bringing attention to the present and away from the issue, she said. You can even have them take a sip of water or take a walk together.

Also, help them avoid creating a monster of negative thoughts by focusing on the positive. “This promotes gratitude and positive thinking and reduces negative thinking patterns that can contribute to depression, anxiety and relationship problems,” Marter said.

Coach them to put things into perspective, and see the bigger picture, she said. “Coach them to ‘be a duck’ and let issues roll off their backs.”

Finally, humor is a huge help. “After you’ve validated your kid’s feelings and they have calmed down, you can use humor to help them learn to laugh it off.”

3. Teach your child to effectively resolve conflict. Explain to them how assertive communication works. For instance, have them use “I” statements rather than “you” statements. According to Marter, instead of saying “You left me out,” they can say “I am upset because I wasn’t included in the game.”

Teach them to empathize with other kids. For instance, you might ask, “How do you think that made Will feel?” Marter said. Encourage them to take responsibility for their actions. “Expect them to own up to any of their own negative behaviors and coach them on how to apologize through roleplay,” she said.

Roleplay other situations, too, and remind your child that they can only control their own actions and responses – not anyone else’s.

4. Be a good role model. “Modeling…healthy emotional expression, coping skills and conflict resolution is the best way to help your kids develop these life tools,” Marter said. In other words, “Monkey see, monkey do,” she said.

“There is a healthy balance between being a neglectful or absent parent and being an intrusive, helicopter parent. We need to give our children roots — education, values, support — and wings — let them become their own people,” Marter said.

A Note on Bullying

According to Marter, you can distinguish bullying from normal conflict by: “the severity of the action (such as a push on the playground vs. a punch in the nose), the frequency of the action (such as an isolated or rare incident vs. repeated or chronic behavior), and the individual’s ability to defend him- or herself.”

Bullying also looks different between boys and girls. Bullying among boys, Marter said, is usually more direct and physical or verbal. Girls, however, tend to gossip or exclude the person from social activities, she said.

For more information on bullying, you can read Psych Central’s blog Beating the Bully by Katherine Prudente, LCAT.

Nina Sunday proposes an alternative strategy in her slim self-help guide, Brainpower Smart Study. She maps out a method of learning that enables students to absorb the material and retain it. Her organized system is designed to supercharge the brain so that students not only score well for their big test, but retain the information for years to come.

A chart with some eye-opening facts sets the stage for Sunday’s guide. It shows that students retain only five percent of lecture material and only ten percent of reading material. This begs the question, how do students really learn? Sunday shows it’s through demonstrating, practicing, and discussing the material. Teaching trumps all other activities. Tell a student to teach the subject to the class, and her memory shoots up to 90 percent.

All of these factors play into Sunday’s eight-step guide. It begins with a little speed reading (Sunday is a speed reading coach). The steps that follow involve note-taking, reading for comprehension, reading to grasp the main points, rereading those points, self-testing, more note-taking, and finally telling or teaching the material. As anyone can see, there’s no real magic here. It’s more or less a combination of techniques students have used for generations.

On the other hand, there’s real ingenuity to Sunday’s plan. This is a building block approach. Each step builds upon those previously taken. Skip a step, and the whole tower may crumble. For instance, self-testing and teaching may be impossible.

But that’s the point, isn’t it? Learning takes time. Skimming or speed reading works well to see the big picture, and that’s a great starting point. After that, the student needs to dig in, slow down, ruminate, draw connections, absorb and synthesize the material. Ultimately, he or she needs to know the material well enough to explain it to someone else. That’s a new level of understanding, which I, as a teacher, fail to see happening with the majority of today’s students. They’re smart enough to read the words, but they don’t want to spend the time to consider the meanings behind them, weigh the concepts, the context, and the ramifications. That takes time and effort that they don’t want to invest. So I applaud Sunday’s efforts, and I plan to implement some of her ideas into my own lesson plans to crete an atmosphere of better learning.

On the other hand, the eight-step program requires time, methodology, and organization–in other words, maturity. Having worked with hundreds of 18- and 19-year-old students, I’m afraid to say that you could buy this book for your teenager and it would end up in the back of the closet where it will stay until you donate it to the next library book sale. No teenager is going to read about studying, even if it’s only sixty pages and would likely boost his or her grades up a notch or two.

Ideally, this book should be used by parents or educators who will lead and monitor students’ study habits. It could be the basis of small study groups or learning center projects. Or it might help the student who’s exceptionally driven to excel.  Again, however, this process requires a level of self-motivation and maturity.

The other shortcoming I see in this book is the final and most critical step: retelling. Again, teaching is the most effective way of learning; thus, Sunday wants to maximize this opportunity by proposing that the student teach someone else (even the cat or dog) the subject on which she is to be tested. Let’s be real. That’s not going to happen. You can’t even get a teenager to talk to you, let alone teach you something. They’re too self-conscious to teach Mom or Dad or a college roommate a history lesson. Instead, I’d propose that step eight be a self-lecture. Perhaps the student could tell the story to herself in the mirror. This more or less achieves the same goal, but self-empowers the student.

All in all, I really like Brainpower Smart Study. I see a number of great applications for this book, such as preparing a lecture for the classroom or preparing for a job interview. Anyone who wants to know a topic thoroughly and be conversant on it in a short amount of time will find it helpful. This is going on my teaching bookshelf.

Brainpower Smart Study: How to Study Effectively Using a Tested and Proven 8-Step Method
By Nina Sunday
Brainpower Training Pty Ltd.: July 5, 2011
Paperback, 60 pages
$29.95

And celebrate we did. But I am also keenly aware that change, by its very nature, comes with stress, and for Dan, the changes are already huge. He is not in school anymore, living with his three best friends. His girlfriend is not nearby. In fact, none of his friends is around now. He has to make a lot of decisions; types of decisions he has never had to make before. Where would he like to live? What types of jobs does he want to pursue? How will he conduct his job search? What are his short-term goals? His long-term goals?

Dan, like other college graduates, is basically building a new life for himself, and though that can be stressful for anyone, it is often even more so for those struggling with OCD, the “doubting disease.” So much uncertainty!

While graduating college is a milestone and an obvious time of transition, any changes, even subtle ones, have the potential to exacerbate OCD. The end of a school year, going to summer camp or having an unstructured summer, marriage, divorce, friends or family moving away, moving yourself, and a job change or promotion are just some examples of the countless changes we all go through at one time or another.

So how can we help our loved ones (or ourselves) deal with the stress and heightened anxiety that come along with transitions? Here are some ideas I’ve discussed with Dan that we will try to implement as he navigates the days, weeks, and months ahead:

• Instead of trying to deal with everything at once, break the situation down into smaller parts. Perhaps make a list of what you think is most important to deal with first. In other words, take one thing at a time.
• When making decisions, make sure you are considering what you really want, and not what your OCD is steering you toward, or what you think is “right.” Of course, depending on the severity of your OCD, this might be easier said than done, which brings us to my next suggestion.
• Make sure you have a support system in place. Your therapist, family and friends should all be aware of the changes going on in your life. See your health care providers more frequently if need be. Ask for help when you need it, but if you’re a loved one of someone with OCD, remember there is often a fine line between helping and enabling.
• Take care of yourself, physically and mentally. Eat well, exercise, and even consider meditation. While you no doubt have lots to deal with and figure out, it is also important to carve out some time to do the things you enjoy, such as playing sports or going to a movie.

Dan’s OCD first became severe when he was a freshman in college. This was also a time of major transition for him. Will it happen again now that he has graduated? The answer, of course, is “I don’t know.” I do know he now has the insight, skills and tools to fight his OCD — all things he didn’t have back then. Still, the future is uncertain. But uncertainty does not have to be equated only with stress and anxiety; it is also a time of excitement and unlimited possibilities. Who among us doesn’t look back to our high school or college graduation and think of the endless opportunities we may or may not have pursued?

And so I, and hopefully Dan, will choose to embrace this uncertainty, instead of worrying about it. As he strives to plan his future, my hope is that he will live each day to the fullest and enjoy the journey as he works to create the life he wants for himself. Whether we have OCD or not, we can all try to take this positive approach toward the uncertainty that comes along with transitions.

People are hungry for community these days. Cell phones and computers keep us connected more than ever, it’s true. But they keep us connected primarily to people we already know or people we’ve never met. The irony of all that connection is that people’s circles of actual practical support may be quite small. Although relationships made online can certainly be meaningful and intense, it’s also true that people we game with who live hundreds of miles away aren’t likely to drop by for coffee or help out after a storm. The challenge of our times is to figure out how to use the wonderful worldwide resource that the Internet provides but not lose our immediate, in the flesh, daily reciprocal connection with those who live around the corner.

As Adler so eloquently stated, the feeling of belonging is central to our comfort, our safety, and our sense of ourselves as being worthwhile. When people feel part of a larger community, they are more likely to show up and to be supportive, both in times of tragedy and times of celebration. Those who are fortunate enough to belong to a community of faith know how this works. When a family is in need, people they’ve barely said hello to still respond because there is a sense that what happens to one matters to all.

There are only a few other places in present-day towns and cities where people can get to know one another over time simply by being together on a regular basis. Some towns have created lively community centers. But in times of economic hardship, recreation departments and community services often get cut back. The place that usually survives and thrives despite these challenges is the town library. It’s valued as a place that contributes to a town’s identity and that connects people with resources and with each other.

I do have libraries on my mind these days. A local, small (very small) town is trying to collect enough money for a matching grant to build a new library. The current library is certainly dear, but antiquated. It’s so tiny people have to use it in shifts. With no running water, a composting toilet, and a minimal staff, it nonetheless hosts storytimes, provides an Internet hotspot in a town where there’s little access, and creates a meeting place in a community that doesn’t even have a convenience store. (A link to a video about the library is at the bottom of this post.)

Those who use the library are passionate about it. Why? Because, despite those who see libraries going the way of video stores, a library is not just about books. It’s about community, discovery, and valuing the written word. It’s about teaching children to love books and stories. It’s about the value of those fly-bys where we have a minute with a neighbor we haven’t seen in weeks just because we happen to bump into each other when picking out a book. When people regularly connect to each other, even peripherally, they experience themselves as belonging to something larger than their immediate family and their own group of friends. It fosters community pride and community participation.

One of the few truly democratic gathering places, a library welcomes the young, the old, teens, students, professionals and tradespeople. Anyone who wants to read, to search, or to simply be in a quiet place can find information and social connection. There is room for those who want to quietly chat. There’s respect for those who prefer to enjoy the quiet companionship of being with others without verbal exchanges. Regulars soon learn who needs what and find their own niche.

For parents of young children, the library can be a lifesaver. When youngsters are antsy because it’s the third rainy day in a row, all a parent has to do is scoop the kids up and go. A library visit is an inexpensive and rewarding way to spend a few hours. The kids get to choose old favorites or new books to look at. Parents can snuggle up with children to read and look at pictures. Kids and parents can get to know other families. What started out as a stressful afternoon becomes a shared adventure.

The library gets teens out of their personal room-caves and into the community. Not every student has a computer at home. Not everyone knows how to surf the Internet for that tough history assignment or how to write a bibliography. Doing homework and research at the local library opens up the world of information and encourages kids to ask for help when they need it. Librarians show them how to broaden or narrow the search, how to look at databases and how to find new topics.

Some kids use the library inappropriately as a hangout and are inconsiderate of others, it’s true. But most of the time they can be redirected. Hopefully, they learn something about civility and community courtesy in the process.

And for us older folks? Some of us belong to book clubs and would rather borrow than buy the book of the month. Others enjoy reading the local newspapers or exploring international magazines. Still others like to reduce the isolation of working from home and set up in the library for an afternoon of working companionably with others. Those looking for work can surf the want ads, learn more about how to market themselves, and perhaps find like-minded people with whom to compare notes. Those who feel isolated at home can meet at the library to read, to chat quietly, or use a computer without the noise and distractions of the local coffee shops.

Libraries aren’t just a place to borrow books or get on a computer. They are places where we can feed the mind, affirm our membership in our community and maintain our sense of belonging. Adler would have seen them as an essential support for a community’s mental health.

To see the video from the little town that is trying so hard to make a community center and library, click here.

Here are some other fun videos about how libraries serve the community:

• http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ac91qqoRL2o&feature=related
• http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jHD4h5KONP8&feature=related
• http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gMBHLlswnII&feature=related