Of course, feeling trapped is a state of mind. No one needs consent to leave a relationship. Millions of people remain in unhappy relationships that range from empty to abusive for many reasons; however, the feeling of suffocation or of having no choices stems from fear that’s often unconscious.

People give many explanations for staying in bad relationships, ranging from caring for young children to caring for a sick mate. One man was too afraid and guilt-ridden to leave his ill wife (11 years his senior). His ambivalence made him so distressed, he died before she did! Money binds couples, too, especially in a bad economy. Yet, more affluent couples may cling to a comfortable lifestyle, while their marriage dissolves into a business arrangement.

Homemakers fear being self-supporting or single moms, and breadwinners dread paying support and seeing their assets divided. Often spouses fear feeling shamed for leaving a “failed” marriage. Some even worry their spouse may harm him- or herself. Battered women may stay out of fear of retaliation. Most people tell themselves “The grass isn’t any greener,” believe they’re too old to find love again and imagine nightmarish online dating scenarios. Also, some cultures still stigmatize divorce.

Unconscious Fears

Despite the abundance of reasons, many of which are realistic, there are deeper, unconscious ones that keep people trapped – usually fears of separation and loneliness. In longer relationships, spouses often don’t develop individual activities or support networks. In the past, an extended family served that function.

Whereas women tend to have girlfriends in whom they confide and are usually closer with their parents, traditionally, men focus on work, but disregard their emotional needs and rely exclusively on their wife for support. Yet, both men and women often neglect developing individual interests. Some codependent women give up their friends, hobbies, and activities and adopt those of their male companions. The combined effect of this adds to fears of loneliness and isolation people envisage from being on their own.

For spouses married a number of years, their identity may be as a “husband” or “wife” – a “provider” or “homemaker.” The loneliness experienced upon divorce is tinged with feeling lost. It’s an identity crisis. This also may be significant for a noncustodial parent, for whom parenting is a major source of self-esteem.

Some people have never lived alone. They left home or their college roommate for a marriage or romantic partner. The relationship helped them leave home – physically. Yet, they’ve never completed the developmental milestone of “leaving home” psychologically, meaning becoming an autonomous adult. They are as tied to their mate as they once were to their parents.

Going through divorce or separation brings with it all of the unfinished work of becoming an independent “adult.” Fears about leaving their spouse and children may be reiterations of the fears and guilt that they would have had upon separating from their parents, which were avoided by quickly getting into a relationship or marriage.

Guilt about leaving a spouse may be due to the fact that their parents didn’t appropriately encourage emotional separation. Although the negative impact of divorce upon children is real, parents’ worries may also be projections of fears for themselves. This is compounded if they suffered from their parents’ divorce.

Lack of Autonomy

Autonomy implies being an emotionally secure, separate, and independent person. The lack of autonomy not only makes separation difficult, it naturally also makes people more dependent upon their partner. The consequence is that people feel trapped or “on the fence” and wracked with ambivalence. On one hand, they crave freedom and independence; on the other hand, they want the security of a relationship – even a bad one. Autonomy doesn’t mean you don’t need others. In fact, it allows you to experience healthy dependence on others without the fear of suffocation. Examples of psychological autonomy include:

1. You don’t feel lost and empty when you’re alone.
2. You don’t feel responsible for others’ feelings and actions.
3. You don’t take things personally.
4. You can make decisions on your own.
5. You have your own opinions and values and aren’t easily suggestible.
6. You can initiate and do things on your own.
7. You can say “no” and ask for space.
8. You have your own friends.

Often, it’s this lack of autonomy that makes people unhappy in relationships or unable to commit. Because they can’t leave, they fear getting close. They’re afraid of even more dependence – of losing themselves completely. They may people-please or sacrifice their needs, interests, and friends, and then build resentments toward their partner.

A Way Out of Your Unhappiness

The way out may not require leaving the relationship. Freedom is an inside job. Develop a support system and become more independent and assertive. Take responsibility for your happiness by developing your passions instead of focusing on the relationship. Find out more about becoming assertive in my e-book, How to Speak Your Mind — Become Assertive and Set Limits.

Stop! Before you reserve the moving truck or buy the ring, take the time to discuss the issues that can make or break your relationship. Love really isn’t enough. Once the pheromones calm down, once you get over the intoxicating time of new love, how you handle these topics will decide whether you will have lasting love. It’s essential that you are on the same page, or at least in the same chapter, when it comes to your feelings or convictions about each one.

Fidelity. Do you have a common understanding of what being faithful means? What would each of you consider to be “cheating”? Is it okay with you if your partner has friends of the other gender? Where is the line between being a friend to others and doing things that will jeopardize your relationship?

Sex. Few couples keep up the frequency and intensity of new-love sex. What is a comfortable rhythm for each of you? When and how and how often do you like to have sex? If you like it in the evening and your partner only wants it in the morning, it can be trouble. How adventuresome or athletic are you each willing to be? How generous are you in satisfying each other?

Money. This is even harder for many couples to talk about than fidelity and sex. What are your attitudes about who should provide for the family? Who should pay the bills? Do you have similar ideas about what should be mine, yours, and ours? Have you been honest about any debts that you are bringing into the relationship? Are you on the same page about how money is spent and how much should be saved? Who is going to take responsibility for such things as insurance, taxes, and retirement accounts?

Work. What is the role of work in each of your lives? Are you in agreement about how hard each of you should work and the choices you should each make about bringing in the money? If one or both of you is in a high-powered career, what are you each willing to sacrifice to make it possible? If one of you out-earns the other, does it matter in terms of decision-making? Will the agreement change if you have children?

Leisure time. What are your ideas about how much of your leisure time you spend together and how much you spend with your individual friends? Is it okay with each of you for the other to go out for a guys’ or girls’ night out? Do you have strong feelings about what can happen then? What do you like to do together that will ensure that you will continue to have some fun as a couple?

Health and fitness. Related to the use of leisure time is how you each regard the importance of the basics: getting enough sleep, eating well, getting in some exercise as part of your routine. Are you in agreement about bedtime and about nutritional choices? Are you supportive of each other in building activity into your lives? Do you have similar views about getting to the dentist and routine doctor visits?

Social media and gaming. What is the place of video gaming, texting, and computer surfing and chatting in your lives? Do either of you have strong feelings that some sites or games aren’t appropriate? How much time can be devoted to gaming and screen time before it becomes a threat to your relationship?

Church, charity and volunteering. Do you share religious or spiritual beliefs? If not, do you respect each other’s? If you have children, will there be issues about which religion they will be raised in? Do you agree about how much time and money should go to charitable work and volunteering to better your community?

Kids. Are you on the same page about having children? If you are going to have kids, do you have similar ideas about when and how many? How about discipline? Do you share an approach to child-rearing? And how will you each distribute time for childcare, carpools, kid activities, and family time?

Relationships with in-laws. How much time do you think you should spend with relatives? What occasions are non-negotiable events for each family? Where do you set your boundaries? Are relatives welcome to drop in any time they please or do they need to have an engraved invitation three months in advance to visit you?

Chores. Arguments about who cleans what have pulled many couples apart. Do you have similar ideas about who should do the laundry, the food shopping, the cooking, the cleanup after dinner, and the general straightening up of the house? Who is supposed to take care of the trash, the yard, the snow shoveling? It’s easy to fall into stereotypical roles that neither person likes. Do you have shared standards for how clean is clean enough?

Partying. Are you in agreement about the use of alcohol and recreational drugs? Gambling may also fit into this category. How much, if any, is okay? When do you think someone has crossed the line and it is a problem? What will you do if that happens?

Conflict. How do you each handle conflict? Do you have the tools you need to negotiate differences? Do you avoid conflict? Blow up? Stomp off? How should your partner handle it when you are upset or angry?

Planning for the future. As heady as the present may be, if your relationship is to last, the two of you also need to be on the same page about where you think you are headed. Do you have similar goals? Are you mutually committed to those goals? Of course, goals may evolve and change but it’s important to have some idea of what you both hope for the future.

Don’t assume that of course you and your true love are in agreement just because you are in love. Once the wonderful haze of new love settles into daily loving, these are the issues that can become deal breakers. Better to talk about them before making a commitment than to find yourselves astonished, angry, and saddened by huge differences that can’t be resolved. Serious discussion now can prevent a painful breakup later. Even more important, conversations about these issues can help you get to know each other better and to lay down a united and strong foundation for your relationship.

Gwyn and Thomas are toasting to the end of their marriage by hosting a celebration at Huntington Hall, their fit-for-a-postcard home in Montauk, Long Island that’s been in the family for generations (a home that even survived the Great Hurricane of 1938).

Paralleling the decline of a 35-year marriage is the storyline of another couple, who are embarking on a different journey. Gwyn and Thomas’s son, Nate, currently lives with his fiancée, Maggie, and he’s bringing her back to his childhood town and ocean-front house to meet his parents for the first time — at their divorce party, no less.

The Divorce Party delves into the intricacies and complexities of characters who harbor secrets.

“I had two main characters — a woman struggling to begin a marriage and another trying to gracefully end hers — both asking the question: how hard should I fight for the person I love?” Dave said in an interview on Examiner.com. “It was very rewarding to see them both find the answer to the question that was ultimately going to lead to their happiness.”

What I personally found interesting is how both father and son were not happy with their past, and while they tried to “start over,” they expressed this need very differently; all at the cost of the women they loved. Thomas tried to fill a void he couldn’t fill for himself, yet, Gwyn suspects that even his idea of beginning anew can’t save him.

“You can do the work to honor what you created, or you don’t,” Dave wrote. “But if you don’t, you get to the same point with the next person, don’t you? You get to the same point, the same questioning, until you push through it. Until you are brave enough to not expect anyone else to see in you what you can’t see in yourself.”

Meanwhile, Nate didn’t disclose a very important part of his story to his soon-to-be wife, which Maggie uncovered during her visit to Montauk. Like Thomas, Nate was also looking for a clean slate; however, he chose to confront himself and his prior experiences, wishing to preserve his current relationship. He wants to accept that air of responsibility and dig deeper within himself. It’s a lesson his father may long to learn as well.

An interview with the author that was posted on the Printasia blog site discusses the message that Dave wants the readers to understand — she wants them to walk away with the theme of forgiveness in mind. Instead of finding a sense of failing in forgiveness, she focuses on its strength.

“I believe that there is no weakness in forgiveness,” she said. “But we are conditioned these days to think that there is, that the brave thing is to move on when someone disappoints us,” she said. “It makes it hard to make a relationship work, if the premium’s as much as leaving as it’s on figuring out a way to stay.”

With an eye-opening view of the inner workings of relationships, Laura Dave’s The Divorce Party is definitely a page-turner and a recommended read.

You think you are being verbally abused by your partner. In fact, you suspect that you are in an impossible situation, living with a partner who doesn’t honor you, wants to change you, or at least wants always to be in charge at your expense.

It’s hard to admit it. It’s terrible to give up the image you once had of your guy as a loving, strong, smart and caring mate. But it’s been a long time since you saw him that way. Instead, you find yourself always braced for the next verbal assault; the next incident where you are found lacking in some way or to blame for things being the way they are. You feel ashamed and sad and angry but stuck. It’s hard to believe it. You don’t understand what happened. You even sometimes think it is all your fault.

Why do women stay with men who put them down? The reasons are varied and complicated.

It’s not uncommon for partners to be completely taken by surprise. Often, people who abuse do nothing of the sort while dating. If the person in pursuit makes any negative comment, it is quickly explained away. There are apologies and promises. He may even cry. Once married, the situation turns. Now that he has her, he doesn’t feel the need to keep himself in check. Afraid that she will in any way have the upper hand in any discussion, he begins a campaign to keep her off balance. The wife is mystified. She wonders what she did wrong. Where did the fun guy she married go? He tells her it’s all her fault. If he is artful about it, she wonders if he is right and works overtime to fix it – not understanding that he doesn’t have any intention of fixing it.

Other women think they can see the insecurity inside the person who is always asserting control. She tries to help him. She agrees with him that life has been unfair to him. She sides with him against the world, not understanding that in his eyes the world includes her. When he turns on her, she tries to be understanding and to explain the situation to him. Once in a while, he even accepts her help, which gives her the false impression that things are changing. What she doesn’t understand is that his insecurity is bigger than his love for her. It is bigger than rational thought. It is bigger than his desire to have a mutual, equal partnership.

Still other partners think the problem is one of communication. Couples therapists and counselors will tell you that the most frequent presenting problem is “we can’t communicate.” Often enough, what that means is that one of the partners doesn’t really want to communicate if communication means sharing decision-making and power. From his point of view, she stubbornly won’t understand when he is being perfectly clear that he’s the one in charge. She is sure that the therapist will help him recognize that he needs to hear another point of view. After all, he is a rational person, right? She thinks he wants the relationship to succeed as much as she does. She doesn’t get it that a need for control isn’t rational and, yes, he wants the relationship to succeed, but only on his terms.

Other women are too scared, insecure, embarrassed, or dependent to leave. Her confidence is shot. Over time, she’s been worn down and worn out. She may have given up trying to have friends since he always objects to her spending any time with them. She may have lost any say about the finances, even if she is making the bulk of the money. She is so convinced of her own powerlessness, she doesn’t think she can make it on her own or that she can find a better match. Feeling unlovable, worthless and helpless, she sinks into a low-grade, or not so low-grade, depression that keeps her stuck.

What to Do if You Are Being Verbally Abused

After soul-searching, you admit it. You are in a relationship that is making you feel bad about yourself. You don’t want to give up on it but you also can’t stand the idea of spending the rest of your life fearing that you’ll be torn down whenever you begin to feel good about yourself or whenever your opinion differs from that of your spouse. You know it isn’t good for you. Just as important, you know that it isn’t good for your kids to grow up believing this is the way people who love each other treat each other.

7 Reasonable Responses to Unreasonable Verbal Abuse

1. Give up on the idea of trying to change him. You can’t. There are important but mistaken reasons why he is the way he is. It may be grounded in his own upbringing, his insecurities or in a narcissistic personality disorder. You can’t do his therapeutic work for him. But – if he wants to change himself, there’s hope. Unless he has a history of being violent, you could ask him to get into some therapy before your relationship is beyond retrieval.
2. Never match his verbal abuse with that of your own. It won’t teach him a thing. It will only confirm in his mind that you are the irrational one. Instead, take the high road. Calmly tell him that you are sorry he feels that way about you but that you don’t share his opinion. Tell him that you love him too much to put him down.
3. Set limits. If your partner calls you names, treats you with disrespect and sarcasm, or loses it when you act only like the equal person you are, calmly tell him you expect to be treated the way he would treat someone he values, admires and respects. If he keeps it up, tell him that you will leave the conversation if he doesn’t stop. If he doesn’t stop, calmly leave the room, telling him you are giving him space to think about his behavior; you’ll be back in an hour or so. (Caution: Don’t do this if he is likely to escalate. See No. 7.)
4. People who need to control their partners often try to prevent them from having a life separate from the couple. You can’t leave if you have nowhere to go. Maintain your own support system. Make sure you spend time with your friends and stay in touch with family members you love. Friends can remind you that you are a valuable person when you start to feel like your partner is right that you aren’t.
5. If you think things won’t improve or will only get worse, start a savings account for yourself. Put enough money away that you always feel it is a choice whether or not you stay. Have at least enough for a bus ticket to your family or a friend’s. Better yet, save enough to pay rent for a few months so you never have to feel trapped.
6. Get counseling if you think your relationship is salvageable. If you’ve tried your best but you and your partner haven’t been able to forge a loving, mutually supportive relationship, find a couples therapist to help you. If your partner won’t go because of his pride, stubbornness, or his conviction that you are the only one who needs “fixing,” go yourself. You need the support. Your counselor may be able to help you identify ways to make counseling a little less threatening to your partner so he might join you.
7. If your partner has escalated from verbal to physical violence – leave. There are domestic abuse programs in almost every city in the U.S. Counselors there can help you figure out where to go and what to do. If you are in a rural area of the U.S. or in a country without such help, go online. Make sure you use a computer your partner can’t use. Some people become violent when they see that their partners have tried to reach out for some help. In the U.S., you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. For more information about their services, click on thehotline.org

Verbal abuse takes many forms: from loud rants to quiet comments; from obvious put-downs to not-so-obvious remarks that undermine the partner. What all the methods have in common is the need to control, to be superior, to avoid taking personal responsibility, and to mask or deny failures.

The myth in Hank’s and Mary’s relationship is that he is much, much smarter than she is. She does admire him, but not as much as he admires himself. He trumps anything she says with a stronger, maybe louder opinion. He calls her ideas naïve or ill-informed or even idiotic. Mary thinks he may be right. Since marrying Hank 3 years ago, her self-confidence has plummeted.

Jake, on the other hand, hides his need for control in his relationship with Marilyn under sarcasm, jokes and puns. “Why,” he says, “doesn’t Marilyn understand I’m just joking?” Why? Because she is the object of those sarcastic remarks, “jokes” and puns. He both publicly and privately keeps her off-balance by joking about her insights, her goals, and the things she cares most about. She has come to question her judgment about her ideas and about him. Lots of people think he’s funny. Maybe, she thinks, he doesn’t mean it. Maybe, she tells herself, she needs to have a better sense of humor.

Frank can’t stand to be seen as responsible for any failure. When he makes a mistake, his mantra is “I may be wrong but you are wrong-er.” If his wife says he has hurt her feelings, he claims not to remember having said what he said or having done what he did. He tells her she is “too sensitive.” He whines about being a scapegoat for other people’s problems. He doesn’t seem to get that he is the perpetrator, not the victim.

Al isn’t subtle. His wife and kids never know what to expect when he comes home. Will loving, caring Al be at the door with treats for the kids and something nice for his wife? Or will the Al who flies into rages, who threatens them with physical abuse and swears and calls them names show up? The whole household walks on eggshells. Even when loving-Al is around, things can change in an instant if he is the least bit frustrated. Last week when his 5-year-old spilled milk at the dinner table, he yelled at her for an hour. When his wife tried to intervene, he backhanded her. Everyone got real quiet. Then – the storm blew over and Al left for the rest of the evening.

If you recognize yourself in any of the above scenarios, you are being verbally abused. Make no mistake: Although verbal abuse doesn’t leave visible scars, it does do damage. The victims’ self-esteem is eroded. Children who watch one parent being put down and diminished by the other develop a skewed and sad view of how relationships are supposed to be.

6 Signs You Are Being Verbally Abused

1. Like Mary, you feel you just can’t win. No matter how carefully or kindly you try to work out a problem, your partner says things that make you feel like you’re in the wrong.
2. Your self-esteem and self-confidence are shot. Your partner isn’t your greatest fan but your greatest critic. He often tells you that his comments are “for your own good.”
3. When you say he has hurt your feelings your partner, like Frank in the scene above, tells you that you are too sensitive. When you point out that he has said something inappropriate or hurtful, he accuses you of trying to make him look bad. You notice that he rarely takes responsibility for his part of a problem. Somehow he manages to convince himself and even you that anything that goes wrong is your fault.
4. You often are the brunt of jokes that make you feel bad. The guy who is fun and fun-loving outside the family unleashes a more vicious or undermining humor inside. Other people don’t believe you that the guy they know is so different from what you experience. Like Marilyn, you find yourself constantly questioning yourself.
5. You have to walk on eggshells at home. Your home isn’t a sanctuary for you and your kids. It is the place where you are most afraid and embarrassed. You and the kids stay away as much as you can. When you are there with your partner, you all do everything you can to make sure nothing happens that could set him off.
6. If you’re not very careful, the verbal abuse escalates to physical altercations. Even if you are very careful, what starts with words can end up with physical aggression toward you or destroying things, especially things you value.

Whoever made up that rhyme about “sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me” was just plain wrong! Words do hurt. They can break a person on the inside just as surely as a whack with a stick bruises the outside. People who are subjected to verbal abuse suffer. People who are subjected to it over time can get so used to it that they lose their sense of themselves as people worth loving. If you see yourself in any of these stories, know you are not alone. There are things you can do. Part II of this article will discuss them.

• You’re alone. I can recall Valentine’s Days I wished I were in love with someone who loved me. Worse were Valentine’s Days when I missed an ex or spent time thinking about someone who wasn’t in love with me. Looking back, what was sad was that I made myself unhappy and ruined one, if not more, days thinking “if only.”
• You’re in a new relationship.Another Valentine’s trap happens when you’re newly in love. It may be the first Valentine’s Day of your relationship, and you wonder whether your partner will surprise you with something special. Will he or she ignore the day or hopefully say the unmentionable, four-letter L-word?You’re stressed about whether your card should be funny or mushy. Fear of humiliation and abandonment restrain you from being vulnerable. You don’t want your feelings rejected or to scare off your partner. Guys, you could be afraid of hurting your girl’s feelings by not doing or saying enough. Or you could be afraid to do or say too much, which might be misinterpreted as a commitment for which you’re unprepared.
• You’re in a fight.One of the worst feelings on Valentine’s Day is to be fighting with your partner. Any other day wouldn’t be as painful. On Valentine’s Day, though, your worst fears and disappointments about your partner and the relationship are highlighted. In addition to being hurt or angry about the argument, you compare how you feel to how you imagine the day should be and how you want to feel.You don’t have to be fighting to be on eggshells all day and disappointed because your partner is an addict, ignoring you, or is looking for a fight to avoid admitting he didn’t plan anything or doesn’t want to go out. You can easily spend the entire day looking and waiting for cues, wondering whether you will spend the evening together. It’s hard to generate loving feelings seeing your wife neglecting the children or drunk all day.
• You’re in a dull or dead relationship.Many couples in long relationships have lost the spark of love. Valentine’s Day may be a cruel reminder or an opportunity to rekindle it. When romance fades, it can be replaced with love based on deep caring and shared life experience. You might decide not to do anything special. Yet you can still acknowledge your love for each other – even if it’s not romantic love, it’s deep and abiding.Some relationships have died. Intimacy’s gone, but the couple can’t let go, whether due to age, children, health, or finances. Usually, despite those reasons, there’s a deep attachment. Often one person imagines he or she is staying for the other and is in denial of his or her own attachment needs and fears about leaving.
• You’re in a loving relationship.You’re among the fortunate few if you’re in a long, loving relationship. Valentine’s Day may still present problems, especially for husbands who don’t want to disappoint their wives. You can get caught in the dilemma of not being able to decide whether to surprise your wife or ask her what she’d like. It’s okay to ask. Some people would rather know, but beware of a common trap: When your significant other replies, “it doesn’t really matter, I’m just happy with all you do. Don’t get me anything.” In this case, you should get him or her something special. Failure to act can be dangerous.Wives, too, can get caught up in waiting and wondering, and not wanting to upset plans their husbands may have made.

Six Tips

1. Stay in the present reality. Take the label off, and just enjoy the day. Don’t look up an ex or waste time fantasizing about someone with whom you’re not involved. Don’t think about your relationship’s future or troubles or replay past disappointing holidays.
2. Take responsibility for your feelings. If you’re experiencing painful emotions, honor them – for a half-hour. Then plan a great day. Remember it takes two to have an argument. Take responsibility for your contribution and your feelings. Own them, apologize if necessary, and make a fresh start with your partner. You’re the one who suffers if you don’t. Waiting for an apology feeds your resentment.
3. Let go of expectations. They plant the seeds of disappointment and resentment. Instead, be open to what your partner and the universe have in store for you.
4. Focus on giving love. Remember the love you feel is the love you give. Even if you’re in a relationship, write yourself a love letter about your wonderful traits and acts of courage. Tell yourself you love you. Read it aloud in the mirror. This may sound foolish, but it works and boosts your self-esteem! You can also focus on the positive traits of your partner. Imagine opening your heart and sending him or her love. If that’s difficult, recall a time when you shared love, and then bring that memory fully into the present.
5. Be creative. It shows an investment of time, love, and thought when you create something special. You can create a treasure hunt for your partner to find a gift or card. Instead of roses, sprinkle the bed with flower petals. Give a sensuous candlelit foot rub, massage, or body wash. Write your favorite, shared memories with colored pens. Make a collage of your dream home, family, or past or future adventures together designed with leaves, dried flowers, photographs, or magazine clippings.
6. Whatever you do, be real. Authenticity is romantic. Your true feelings are apparent anyway, and hiding them creates more problems. That doesn’t mean you have to spill your guts, but in a dicey situation, choose words that are true for you.

My ideas are based on my observations of working with hundreds of couples over the last 10 years.

1. Seek to understand before trying to be understood.

One of the most common negative patterns I see in my work with couples is the cycle of criticism and defensiveness. This often happens when you hear something you perceive as an attack or criticism from your partner, which leads you immediately to defend yourself.

This pattern sets both of you up not to be heard. As soon as you start to defend your position, you’ve lost the opportunity to understand your partner. Even if you feel under attack or think you hear a criticism, try to understand your partner’s thoughts and feelings before you respond.

2. Slow down your communication to truly hear your partner.

Many issues get out of control because once this dynamic of criticism and defense is under way, the interaction often moves very quickly. When your communication is speeding up, you can miss a lot of important information that your partner is expressing. This fast pace also increases the volatility of your discussion, making it harder for you to keep the conversation calm.

If you notice that your discussion is moving too quickly, intentionally put on the brakes and slow down the exchange. Make sure your partner knows you truly want to understand what he or she is saying. This helps defuse the reactivity and allows you to continue to communicate in an adult-to-adult way.

3. Be curious about your partner’s perspective.

This one is easier said than done when you’re feeling blamed, criticized or attacked. However, one of the best things you can do in such circumstances is to be curious about your partner’s perspective. This can be disarming in a positive way, and it immediately helps de-escalate the rising tension between you.

By being curious, you can learn new things about your partner, as well as support your conversation in moving toward a resolution. You can still disagree with your partner’s perspective and remain curious and interested in how their view is different from yours. Practice this next time you feel a heated discussion coming on and see what happens.

4. Recognize your emotional triggers and learn to self-soothe.

When you know what your emotional triggers are, it allows you to be aware when the potential for their activation is present. We all bring ‘baggage’ into our relationships — from our childhood, previous relationships, school experiences and of course, our family of origin. There’s no such thing as a person who is ‘baggage-free;’ however, you can use your awareness of your hot spots to know when they are likely to be triggered.

Practice observing yourself, even when you feel triggered by your partner. See if you can name it by saying “I’m feeling [insert feeling] now, and I think it’s also touching something in my past that’s not related to you.” By naming the trigger, it helps your partner understand that there’s more at play here than just the current conversation. This understanding can help both of you be less reactive in the moment.

5. Practice using empathy to foster a closer connection.

Empathy is the fuel of good relationships. Being empathic is about imagining yourself walking in your partner’s shoes seeing the world from their perspective. When you can respond empathically to your partner, it facilitates a deeper bond and creates a strong sense of safety and trust between you. When you’re feeling attacked, however, this is the last thing you feel like doing. It does require you to be able to step outside yourself and begin to appreciate a reality different from yours.

Practicing empathy does not mean that you have to completely surrender and give up what you want or give up your own reality. It just means you need to suspend your own perspective, even momentarily, so you can appreciate the smallest part of how your partner sees things. Start small – even if you’re imagining only one to five percent of what your partner feels — and then build on that. Your partner will feel the shift and will be able to let down his or her guard a little, opening up the possibility of a better connection.

6. Listen for the hidden unmet need or emotion.

When your partner is in distress and voicing a complaint or you’re feeling criticized or blamed, there’s always some unmet need, want, desire or unexpressed emotion underlying this cry. The challenge for you is to go underneath the overt complaint and see if you can tap into the hidden emotion. By uncovering this emotion and tentatively asking if the covert emotion is also going on for your partner, you can bypass the surface anger, irritation or resentment and cut to the core emotion that needs to be validated.

This is no easy task, as it requires you to figuratively step up and out of the current conflict and to look and listen for what’s not being expressed. It also requires you to suspend your own reactivity and defensiveness in order to connect with your partner’s deeper needs.When you find yourself in a conflict situation, pause for a moment and see if you can feel what else in the conversation your partner is not expressing. To help you with this, remind yourself that your partner is in distress, but is not able to share the whole picture of the distress with you. Listen carefully for this and use your curiosity to find out what else is not being overtly shared.

7. Anticipate issues before they become issues.

Many current issues could have been dealt with much earlier in the relationship, but weren’t. Avoiding talking about small issues often can lead to unresolved issues festering and expanding over time, only eventually to explode and become much bigger than they were initially. You may not want to rock the boat when things seem to be going well. You may believe that nothing good comes of raising complaints or issues.

The reality is, couples who seek to avoid conflict almost always end up in lots of it. Get into the habit of naming and flagging issues with each other, even when they are small. One of the ways to do this is to have a regular check-in to discuss current issues and assess where your relationship is going. Over time, this structure can help you feel more confident about your ability to effectively deal with conflict and disagreements.

Communication in a relationship requires constant attention. Start with the basics and establish rituals of communication and connection to ensure the longevity of your love and connection with each another.

• Finances. Not enough money or the fear of not having enough to buy gifts leads to sadness and guilt. The stress of financial hardship during this economic downturn is often compounded by shame. When you can’t afford to celebrate it can feel devastating.
• Stress. The stress of shopping and planning family dinners when you’re already overworked and tired can be overwhelming.
• Loneliness. A whopping 43 percent of Americans are single, and 27 percent of Americans live alone. When others are with their families, it can be very painful for those who are alone. Seventeen percent of singles are over 65, when health, age, and mobility can make it more difficult to enjoy yourself.
• Grief. Missing a deceased loved one is painful at any age, but seniors have more reasons to grieve.
• Estrangement. When you’re not speaking to a relative, family get-togethers can usher in feelings of sadness, guilt, resentment, or inner conflict about whether to communicate.
• Divorce. If you’re newly divorced, the holidays may remind you of happier times and accentuate your grief. It’s especially difficult for adult children of divorce who have to balance seeing two sets of parents. The stress is multiplied for married children who have three or even four sets of parents to visit.
• Pleasing. Trying to please all of your relatives – deciding what to get, whom to see, and what to do – can make you feel guilty and like you’re not doing enough, which leads to depression.
• SAD. Many people experience the blues during gloomy weather due to decreased sunlight, called Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD).

Much of the planning, shopping, and cooking is done by women, so they carry the greater burden in preparing for family gatherings. Women are at twice the risk for depression than men. After heart disease, depression is the most debilitating illness for women, while it’s tenth for men. To read more on this, see Depression in Women.

Some measures you can take to cope with the holiday blues include:

• Make plans in advance, so you know how and with whom your holidays will be spent. Uncertainty and putting off decision-making add enormous stress.
• Shop early and allow time to wrap and mail packages to avoid the shopping crunch.
• Ask for help from your family and children. Women tend to think they have to do everything, when a team effort can be more fun.
• Shame prevents people from being open about gift-giving when they can’t afford it. Instead of struggling to buy a gift, let your loved ones know how much you care and would like to, but can’t afford it. That intimate moment will relieve your stress and nourish you both.
• Don’t allow perfectionism to wear you down. Remember it’s being together and goodwill that matters.
• Make time to rest and rejuvenate even amid the pressure of getting things done. This will give you more energy.
• Research has shown that warmth improves mood. If you’re sad or lonely, treat yourself to a warm bath or cup of hot tea.
• Spend time alone to reflect and grieve, if necessary. Pushing down feelings leads to depression. Let yourself feel. Then do something nice for yourself and socialize.
• Don’t isolate. Reach out to others who also may be lonely. If you don’t have someone to be with, volunteer to help those in need. It can be very uplifting and gratifying.

The signs of depression are feelings of sadness, worthlessness or guilt, crying, loss of interest in usual activities, fatigue, difficulty concentrating, irritability, social withdrawal, and changes in sleep, weight, or appetite. If these symptoms are severe or continue for a few weeks, more than the holidays may be the cause. Seek professional help.

Courtship. It’s such an old-fashioned word that some might find its use today to be quaint. Over the last few decades, courtship has gone the way of scented love letters and rotary telephones. In the push for more freedom of choice in relationships, courtship rituals have almost disappeared from American culture.

Yes, people still like romance — as in candlelight dinners and walks on the beach – but the structures and traditions that led from initial attraction to marriage have fallen by the wayside. Many couples move from attraction to renting a truck and moving in, no genuine commitment required. Going “a-courtin’,” the slow wooing of another person and the gradual development of closeness and affection, seems to have all but disappeared.

The result of this hurried intimacy is a great deal of confusion. When sharing a bed and a life and maybe even a child comes before the sharing of long talks about values and goals and deep explorations of each other’s personality and history, couples often are set up for heartbreak. When things don’t turn out as expected, some couples are able to recognize their mistake, wish each other well and let the relationship go. But others, not at all sure what true commitment is about, fight with each other and with themselves to hang on. Cheating becomes the substitute for the dating and sorting out that should have occurred before moving in. Trust becomes yet another thing to fight about.

Everyone is a victim in this scenario, especially when the couple has had children. The kids end up without the stable home and loving family every child deserves. The women often end up single-mothering and struggling. The men often end up paying child support for children they may seldom see or becoming burdened with unanticipated responsibilities. Sometimes the couple manages to co-parent responsibly and well and remain friends. But even in these best-case instances, both now are looking for partners who may not want to deal with children or continued involvement with an “ex.” Those without kids are not unscathed either. They have wasted years in a relationship that left them with trust issues and heartache.

All this can be avoided by bringing courtship back into style. I’m not talking about “courtship” as defined by the Christian right, where couples remain chaste and parents are fully involved in every stage of the developing relationship (although that is certainly one way to go about it). I’m talking about a period of time during which a couple who is attracted to each other takes it slow and gets to know each other well before deciding they are exclusive, before planning to move in, and, by all means, before making a baby. Courtship isn’t dating.

Dating is step 1. Dating means going out with a number of people to see what kind of person is likely to be a fit. Dating is getting to know a number of people you are attracted to by going out for coffee or hanging together with friends or maybe going to a movie or a concert. Picking from a selection of one is unwise, no matter how interesting he or she may be. When the relationship hits a rough patch, as all relationships do, you’ll start wondering about what it would be like if only you had chosen someone more intelligent, more witty, or more competent on the dance floor. Dating a few people before making a choice gives you the chance to see just what kind of person fits your unique personality and your dreams.

Courtship is step 2. Courtship comes when you think you’ve found that special someone. It is the period between your initial choice and committing to making a life together. It’s a time for talks about everything and anything. Long walks and intimate dinners provide the time and the context for exciting, in-depth exploration of another person. It’s a time for learning about each other’s history, beliefs, values, and goals. It’s a time for deciding whether you think similarly about the use of time and money and your expectations about who will do what if you live together. It gives you a chance to experience how each responds to conflict and challenges as well as to easy cooperation.

Larger questions — such as whether you want children, the role of in-laws in your life, and how decisions will be made — get visited and revisited as the relationship gains depth and seriousness. Steady affection and care get added to the initial sexual excitement. Each learns how to cherish and nurture the other. When a couple is a good fit, they discover that they both love and like the person they are with and they like who they are when they are together.

Commitment is step 3. Relationships that last, that deepen and ripen into a long marriage and satisfying parenting, are built on a solid foundation. That foundation needs to be built over time and with care. If “courtship” is too old-fashioned of a term, call it something else, but don’t skip over the process. When that process is done well, both members of a couple become secure in the knowledge that they are each going to give 100 percent to the relationship and to the family they plan to build together. Only then should there be talk of marriage and sharing a home, a life, and a baby.

It’s true. Research shows that half of all couples will experience infidelity in their relationship. Reasons for affairs are many and complicated and outside the full scope of this article. But there are many common factors that can contribute to affairs, and many ways to recover your relationship after an affair. (For poly or open couples, consider an affair to be the bringing in of a third party without mutual consent.)

What Creates Fertile Grounds for Affairs?

Just like a garden, relationships need to be nurtured and tended. All too often, the garden of our relationship is left unattended; weeds grow and plants die due to lack of water and sun (i.e., care and attention). It is all too easy, especially in child-centered families, for partners to focus on the practicalities of child care to the exclusion of their relationship.

Parents be warned: The seeds for a future affair can all too easily be sown in the early stages of starting a family. Neglecting your partner and your relationship for the sake of the children does not create a happy family. It creates emotional instability, especially if you or your partner start looking to fulfill your emotional needs outside the relationship. Make sure to devote some time to your relationship, too. Your children will be happier and more secure if they see parents who have a strong, loving bond, even if this means the kids don’t always get to come first.

It is also easy, especially in long-term relationships, for couples with or without children to start taking each other for granted or fall into the rut of routine. While there is comfort in structure and predictability, you don’t want to let your relationship become stagnant. Affairs are often a misguided way to seek excitement and aliveness. Unfortunately, having an affair will take you away from your primary relationship rather than toward it. In effect, you are starting a new garden somewhere else and leaving your current garden to wither in the dark. Make the effort occasionally to do something fun and different together. Why? It creates intimacy and brings growth and vitality to your relationship. As with gardening, you want to add fertilizer and occasionally turn the soil so that your plants and flowers will flourish.

Still, you could follow all the above suggestions and tend the garden of your relationship with much care and love, only to encounter the threat of an affair springing up like weeds. As Shirley Glass warns: “A happy marriage is not a vaccine against infidelity.”

To really vaccinate your relationship against affairs, Glass recommends the following guidelines. While some might find them too restrictive—and, as one lesbian couple complained, “too hetero” and another poly couple pointed out, “way too monogamous”—it is worth having them as a reference point. In the guidelines below, poly couples may want to replace the word marriage with primary relationship, but be warned: this list is definitely pro-monogamy.

7 Tips for Preventing Infidelity

1. Maintain appropriate walls and windows. Keep the windows opened at home. Put up privacy walls with those who could threaten your marriage.
2. Recognize that work can be a danger zone. Don’t lunch or take private coffee breaks with the same person all the time. When you travel with a coworker, meet in public rooms, not a room with a bed.
3. Avoid emotional intimacy with attractive alternatives to your committed relationship. Resist the desire to rescue an unhappy soul who pours his or her heart out to you.
4. Protect your marriage by discussing relationship issues at home. If you do need to talk to someone else about your marriage, be sure that person is a friend of your marriage. If the friend disparages marriage, respond with something positive about your own relationship.
5. Keep old flames from reigniting. If a former lover is coming to a class reunion, invite your partner to come along. If you value your marriage, think twice about having lunch alone with an old flame. (This may be unrealistic in the lesbian community, as exes are so often part of one’s community and even friendship circle.)
6. Don’t go over the line when online with Internet friends. Discuss your online friendships with your partner and show him or her your e-mail if he or she is interested. Invite your partner to join in correspondence so your Internet friends won’t get any wrong ideas. Don’t exchange sexual fantasies online.
7. Make sure your social network is supportive of your marriage. Surround yourself with friends who are happily married and who don’t believe in fooling around.

Let’s look at the worst-case scenario. You or your partner has an affair. How can you help your relationship recover?

First comes love,
Then comes marriage,
Then comes the baby in a baby carriage.

It may have once been fun to jump rope to the rhyme, but these days, it’s far, far from the truth. 40 percent of children today are born to single mothers. Some births are accidental — happily or sadly welcomed. Others are planned by women discouraged about finding a solid and loving partner.

What used to be understood as the order of things isn’t so orderly anymore. Baby may come first, not last, in the rhyme.

Single mothers with children rarely give up the dream of finding love and making a life with someone. Sometimes everything just falls beautifully into place. The mom meets a new love who embraces both the parent and child and all three go on to live happily ever after.

But most of the time, life isn’t so smooth. Sometimes the child seems to be an obstacle to finding a mate. One male after another says some version of, “Well, I love you but your kids are in the way of our relationship.” What happens then?

If you’re a single mother who has fallen in love, make sure you know what your sweetheart is prepared to do about becoming part of a family before you start dreaming of tying the knot. If your true love says he never wanted kids, doesn’t now, can’t stand kids, sees kids as a drain on money, time, and fun, or doesn’t want anything to do with your child’s other parent (if that parent is in the picture) or the grandparents from your ex, go very slow and see if he means it.

It’s just true. Sometimes people are so in the habit of saying something that they haven’t thought for a long time about whether they really mean it. Sometimes, a man who never thought about having kids in his youth is open to rethinking his position as an older adult. It’s worth asking.

But if he can’t think about changing his mind and folding children into his life in a genuine, loving way, he probably won’t. Marrying a man who is anti-children has huge implications for your relationship with your children and your relationship with him.

Don’t pretend that he’ll fall in love with your children because, after all, they’re wonderful. A man who goes into a relationship with children expecting not to like it probably won’t. Worse, the children will feel his rejection on a daily basis. They won’t like him and they will be angry with you for bringing him into their lives.

Don’t fool yourself into thinking that he can be minimally involved. At some point, it’s likely you’ll get resentful that he isn’t helping with the daily demands of managing a household with children. At some point, he’ll resent the time you are spending with the kids.

Don’t persuade yourself that you can be the kind of romantic partner you were when you were young and child-free. It’s harder to date when you have to cancel repeatedly because kids got sick or needed a ride or needed help with homework. He’ll resent your distraction. You’ll resent his lack of concern for your children’s welfare.

If you give in and make uncomfortable compromises in your parenting, you will lose respect for yourself. Your kids are likely to get clingy or angry or both. Yes, parents can and do carve out some time for romance but it’s always with the knowledge that kids’ needs can disrupt the best laid plans.

If you have children and you are looking for love and marriage, hold out for a man who understands that…

• Loving you means learning to love your children. They are part of you and part of your life. Yes, it’s more complicated than marrying a childless person who is free to spend all her time and affection on someone else. But it’s also more rewarding. Marrying a woman with children makes an instant family. Marrying a woman with children provides the chance to relive the positive experiences of growing up or to heal old hurts by making a better childhood for someone else’s kids. A man who embraces your children as an opportunity to have even more love in his life is someone to take seriously.
• Loving you means understanding that the kids take priority while you transition. You fell in love with your partner. The kids didn’t. They will be ambivalent, no matter how wonderful you think your guy is. They are likely to have strong feelings about not having all your attention and time. They may resist adjusting to changes that come with marriage. It falls on the adults to be adults and to put kids’ needs first for awhile. They will need help making the countless big and little changes that come with accommodating another person in their home and their lives.
• Loving you means getting involved with the whole family. To make a family with you is to get it that their grandparents, aunts, and uncles and cousins and whoever else is related by birth or by choice will be part of life as well. Kids need to be connected to their extended family as long as that family is reasonably sane. Your partner also needs to make it clear to his extended family that he now has children and they therefore now have more kids to love.
• Loving you means doing hands-on parenting. Working through differences and decisions about how both of you will encourage and discipline the kids is an important part of your courtship. For kids to grow, they need parents who are on the same page at least most of the time. They need the safety of structure and limits, the approval that is the building block of self-esteem, and the clarity of consequences that helps them learn to be responsible. A man who will spend lots of time talking through how to parent as well as whether to parent is a good bet.

When dating, it’s crucial to hold onto the things you strongly believe are non-negotiable. You probably have a top three for yourself. Maybe your priorities include finding someone who practices the same religion, who is financially solvent, or who is interested in whitewater rafting and likes walking in the rain. By all means, find a match. But if you’re a parent, parenting principles like these need to be added near the top of list. A relationship with a man who meets those criteria is a relationship that is likely to last.

We can all think of instances where friends, colleagues, family members, and other individuals we come into contact with have been forced to manage the ending of a romantic relationship. Many of us have experienced this firsthand as well. For many, the ending of a romantic relationship can be viewed as a true test of resilience.

How our Thinking can Influence Recovery

I have helped several of my clients through rocky areas in their relationships. Breakups, however, typically are the most difficult relationship issues. Many of my clients say: “What am I supposed to do now? I need this person in my life. I can’t live without them!” Statements such as these paint a picture of exactly how powerful romantic connections can be, as well as how dependent we can become on them. This dependence can cause a loss of personal identity in one or both of the members of the couple and cause post-breakup life to feel foreign. Such statements also can lead to people becoming depressed.

Our thoughts cause our feelings and behaviors. Thinking precedes everything we do and feel. Consider a terrorist act: When a nation is subjected to a terror group’s attacks, common reactions include fear, disgust, anger, and confusion. However, the attackers might react with feelings of pride, happiness, and celebration due to viewing their mission as accomplished. This shows how many ways there are to think, and ultimately feel, about a given situation.

When people hold irrational beliefs about a breakup, those irrational thoughts can cause depression.

Irrational Beliefs about Breakups and Rational Replacement Thoughts to Practice

We can develop the skills that help us to feel the way we want to feel about any situation (Pucci, 2010). Our thinking will dictate how we feel about, and ultimately cope with, a breakup, as well as any other occurrences in our lives. Irrational thoughts and beliefs that cause us to feel hopeless or depressed about our breakup can be replaced with more rational ones. This will make the ending of a relationship feel much more bearable.

Irrational Thought: “I can’t live without this person. I need them in my life!”

Rational Replacement Thought: “I can live without this person. There are definitely things I need in order to live, like air, food, and water. I do not need this person to stay alive. Sure, I miss them, but my life will not end if they are not in it, and I do not need them.”

Irrational Thought: “My life has no meaning without my partner.”

Rational Replacement Thought: “My relationship was merely one meaningful aspect of my life. There are many ways for my life to have meaning, and my relationship is not the only way to achieve that meaning. My work, my family, my friends, and ___________ all bring meaning to my life.”

Irrational Thought: “I am no longer me without my partner.”

Rational Replacement Thought: “I have always been myself. Nothing can change that I am me, just like I cannot change who others are. It is possible that I may have simply lost sight of some of my interests outside of my relationship, but these can be regained.”

Irrational Thought: “I can’t weather the ending of my relationship. I would rather die. There is nothing to live for anymore.”

Rational Replacement Thought: “It isn’t a matter of wanting to die. It is a matter of wanting my partner back. I can and will survive this. There are plenty of things to live for. For example, I have my friends, my family, my pet, my meaningful job, etc. I have merely experienced a sudden life change, and I have all of these other things to live for. I refuse to let one negative life experience cancel out all of the other good that I have in my life.”

Irrational Thought: “There must be something wrong with me if my partner left me.”

Rational Replacement Thought: “There is nothing wrong with me. My partner and I ending our relationship is not a reflection of my character or overall worth. This situation simply means that might not have seen eye-to-eye on things. There is someone else out there who I will be compatible with.”

Irrational Thought: “I will walk the Earth alone for the rest of my life and I will never meet anyone else.”

Rational Replacement Thought: “There is no evidence to say that I will never find another partner. One failed relationship does not foreshadow future failed relationships. The only thing my ended relationship means is that we were not as compatible as we thought. There are plenty of other people out there who things might work out with. It is just a matter of finding them.”

Irrational Thought: “I hate couples now and I resent their happiness.”

Rational Replacement Thought: “It is irrational to hate other people because my relationship didn’t work out. They had no part in what happened and are simply living their lives. Their relationship has no connection to me, and they are certainly not in a relationship to spite me or rub it in my face.”

Irrational Thought: “I can’t be alone.”

Rational Replacement Thought: “I can manage being alone, although it might be uncomfortable. The fact that I am single at this very moment indicates that I can be alone. I am doing it and nothing bad has happened, aside from being uncomfortable. Sure, I’d certainly like to not be alone right now, but I will live. After all, this is only temporary.”

It’s not Wrong because it Feels Wrong

The ending of a relationship is an enormous life change. It will take time, patience, and practice in order for successful adjustment to take place. We often experience the belief that, if something feels foreign or wrong, then it must, in fact, be wrong. Due to the emotional involvement that characterizes romantic relationships, there will undoubtedly be times when life without this person feels wrong or “funny,” but this does not mean that it truly is, or that you are doing something wrong.

Feelings such as these do not indicate that you cannot manage the separation. What they do mean, however, is that you are adjusting. Imagine swinging a baseball bat or golf club in the hand that is not your dominant one (the one you have been using your whole life). It would take practice to become used to this process but, in time, you would grow to be more skillful at it. With practice, you will better able to adjust to life after your breakup.

References

Pucci, A.R. (2010). Feel the way you want to feel…no matter what! Use rational self-counseling to overcome life’s most difficult problems. Bloomington, IN: iUniverse.

The basis of Red Flags is that some people—more than we typically assume—are sociopaths, and if we are not careful to educate ourselves about their potential dangers, we are all capable of being victims of, as Andersen calls it, love fraud.

Andersen is quick to caution that the word “sociopath” is not meant in a formal sense, as a medical professional might use it. It is instead used “as a generic description for a social predator, someone who lives his or her life by exploiting others.” Although Andersen does provide a solid amount of psychological background on sociopaths, the fact that she uses the word in a way in which it is not supposed to be used is rather curious. By painting overly broad strokes, Andersen runs the risk of oversimplifying and writing in absolute terms when doing so is inappropriate.

As Andersen writes: “Sociopaths are male, female, old, young, well-groomed, disheveled. They come in all shapes and sizes.” In this way, it is frustrating that Andersen chose to cast the term that is the basis of her thesis as something of a catchall.

This is not to devalue the merits of Andersen’s book. While her subject is not widely known, it is indeed interesting and worthy of analysis. That said, when dealing with a subject that is so psychologically complex, it is counterintuitive to make the foundation so simplistic.

There are a lot of good things in Red Flags. Often, though, general themes and ideas are restated in different ways, and the same advice and wisdom is recycled. Again, what is said is certainly interesting and noteworthy, but the constant restating diminishes the impact of the ideas and negates some of their legitimacy. It’s not so much what is said that falters, but how it is said.

Along these lines, another criticism of Red Flags is its implicitly anti-male tone. Admittedly, Andersen does cite a statistic that men are three times more likely to be sociopaths than are women, and, as evidenced by the quotation above, she does concede that women, too, can be sociopaths. But of the numerous examples Andersen includes throughout the book, only a handful portrays a woman as the sociopath instead of a man.

Moreover, of the almost 250 pages, Andersen spends only two discussing female sociopaths. Despite the fact that men are statistically more likely to be sociopaths than are women, it would have been prudent to dedicate more text and examples to women being the predator. To not do so comes off as a something of a covert attack on men.

Despite these criticisms, it must be noted that Red Flags does provide some useful information. Through her website, Andersen has heard from and communicated with thousands of people who were, like she, victims of love fraud. And in the modern age in which we live, many of these relationships were started through online dating websites. Andersen writes:

Because of its global outreach and anonymity, the Internet is custom-tailored for social predators. It offers an endless supply of potential victims, so the hunt is simply a numbers game. Sociopaths register on multiple dating sites simultaneously. They randomly friend people on Facebook. They just keep baiting their hooks until someone bites.

Anonymity is a core characteristic of the Internet. When communicating via the web, you never really know with whom you are talking, and sociopaths use this to their advantage, pretending to be anybody they want.

Approximately one in five relationships is started through online dating. With the medium continuously gaining popularity and appeal, Andersen is right to caution against blind faith in it. While online dating is without question a useful—and for some, necessary—tool, it should be approached with a certain level of caution, especially when someone whom one is talking to fits Andersen’s bill of a sociopath.

Although Red Flags of Love Fraud is perhaps not as academic as it should be, it is nonetheless informative. It is certainly flawed, but it is also prescient: Considering how many people are victims of love fraud, not nearly enough are aware of its realities. Andersen’s book is a good first step.

Red Flags of Love Fraud — 10 Signs You’re Dating a Sociopath
By Donna Andersen
Anderly: June 11, 2012
Paperback, 246 pages
$19.95

Richard has reluctantly come to treatment because his wife took out a restraining order after their last fight. He admits he lost control. He acknowledges that maybe he said things he shouldn’t have. But he also thinks she shouldn’t have done or said what she did. “I can’t help getting mad when she jerks my chain. I can’t let her get away with that!” he says.

What Richard doesn’t yet understand is this: Temper isn’t something you lose. It’s something you decide to throw away.

Raging, shouting, name-calling, throwing things and threatening harm is all a big bluff. It’s the human equivalent of animal behavior. From the puffer fish that puffs itself up to twice its size to look more intimidating to the lion on the veldt who shakes his mane and roars, creatures who feel threatened posture and threaten in order to protect themselves and their turf. The display often is enough to get the predator or interloper to back off. If not, the fight — or flight — is on.

People who rage are the same. Feeling a threat, they posture. They throw away all mature controls and rant and rage like an out-of-control 2-year-old. It’s impressive. It’s scary. It gets folks around them to walk around on eggshells. Others often let them “win” just to get away.

But are they happy? Usually not. When I talk to the Richards of the world, they usually just want things to go right. They want respect. They want their kids and their partners to give them the authority they think they deserve. Sadly, their tactics backfire. Not knowing what might set him off, kids, partners, coworkers and friends distance and leave him more and more alone.

Helping someone like Richard with “anger management” requires more than helping him learn how to express his angry feelings appropriately. Giving him practical skills alone assumes more control than he can probably hold on to. To be able to integrate those skills into his self-image, he needs to reconsider some of his basic assumptions about life and his place in it.

7 Mistaken Assumptions Angry People Often Make

1. They can’t help it. Angry people have lots of excuses. Women will blame their PMS. Both sexes will blame their stress, their exhaustion, or their worries. Never mind that other people who have PMS or who are stressed, tired, or worried don’t pop off at the world. Angry people don’t yet understand that they are actually giving themselves permission to rant. In that sense, they are very much in control.
2. The only way to express anger is to explode. People who rage believe that anger is like the buildup of steam in an overheated steam engine. They think they need to blow off the steam in order to be OK. In fact, raging tends only to produce more of the same.
3. Frustration is intolerable. Angry people can’t sit with frustration, anxiety or fear. To them, such feelings are a signal that they are being challenged. When life doesn’t go their way, when someone doesn’t see things as they do, when their best-laid plans get interrupted or they make a mistake, they simply can’t tolerate it. To them, it’s better to blow than to be left with those feelings. They don’t get it that frustration is a normal part of everyone’s life and that it is often the source of creativity and inspiration.
4. It’s more important to win than to be right. Chronically angry people often have the idea that their status is at stake when there is conflict. When questioned, they take it overly personally. If they are losing an argument, they experience a loss of self-esteem. At that moment, they need to assert their authority, even if they are wrong. When it is certain that they are wrong, they will find a way to prove that the other person is more wrong. For mature people, self-esteem is grounded in being able to put ego aside in order to find the best solution.
5. “Respect” means that people do things their way. When another driver tailgates, when a partner refuses to go along with a plan, when a kid doesn’t jump when told to do something, they feel disrespected. To them, disrespect is intolerable. Making a lot of noise and threatening is their way of reasserting their right to “respect” by others. Sadly, when the basis of “respect” is fear, it takes a toll on love and caring.
6. The way to make things right is to fight. Some angry people have learned at the feet of a master. Having grown up with parents who fight, it is their “normal.” They haven’t a clue how to negotiate differences or manage conflict except by escalating. Then they become very much like the parent they loathed and feared when they were kids.
7. Other people should understand that they didn’t mean what they did or said when they were angry. Angry people feel that anger entitles them to let loose. It’s up to other people not to take seriously hurtful things they say or do. After all, they say, they were just angry. They don’t get it that other people are legitimately hurt, embarrassed, humiliated, or afraid.

Helping my patient Richard means helping him identify which of these assumptions are driving his temper tantrums. Some or all may apply. He may even have a few that are more uniquely his own. Teaching him rules for anger management, although important, isn’t enough to have long-term impact. Changing his assumptions will enable him to use such skills with conviction and confidence.

We hear a lot about the importance of male role models in a boy’s life. It is indeed important. But what’s often missing from the conversation is the importance of fathers in a daughter’s life as well. As we come up on the annual celebration of fathers in America, let’s consider the psychology of father-daughter relationships.

Children really do learn what they live. Not having the perspective of older people, they consider whatever their family is like as their “normal.” From infancy, girls draw conclusions about what men are like from the men in their life. If there is a father (or a male in her life who takes a father role), that man becomes her guidepost for what to expect of men and what to expect of men’s attitude toward women. His relationship to her mother or his significant other is her template for what her relationship with a man will be when she grows up.

Those early learnings are powerful. Regardless of what happens as a teen and adult, a girl who identifies her gender as female has already created a set of assumptions of what that means for her to be a woman by the time she is 4 or 5 years old. At each stage of her development, she is watching and learning from the women — and men — around her to figure out how to be successful as a woman and how to be in a relationship with a man. When that learning is positive and helpful for negotiating the world, a daughter will grow up to be at ease in her own skin and in her sexuality. When it is conflicted or creates expectations that are demeaning or less than useful for cooperating with others, her relationship with herself, with other women, and with men will be troubled.

What all this means for a father or father figure is that he counts. He counts a lot. Regardless of whether he wants the responsibility, a father’s relationship to the world and to women sets down a template that will be played out for another generation. Men who take their job as a father of a daughter seriously are men who know the importance of the following 10 basic principles:

1. Love her mother. Theodore M. Hesburgh, a former president of Notre Dame University, is quoted as saying that this is the most important thing a man can do. It’s true. To Hesburgh’s idea, I would add this: If you can’t love her mother, find something to respect and admire in her anyway. With a high divorce rate and equally high never-married-parent rate, it’s important to acknowledge that not all parents are bound by love. But however a father feels emotionally about a girl’s mom, it is in his and the child’s best interests for him to treat the mother with respect and consideration, no matter what. Even if the mother doesn’t return the favor, he can live an honorable life that shows his daughters that a man takes the high road when it comes to his respect for women and his responsibilities to his children.

2. Attach to your daughters. Let them attach to you. Girls with a solid sense of self are often their daddy’s buddy at least for awhile when growing up. Spend regular quality time with her. Don’t be afraid to take her out for a hike or for a game of catch or a round of the basketball game Horse (or Pig, or whatever variant you play). Girls are just as likely to like to do such things with their dad as a boy is. Let her know you love her with the words and hugs that are appropriate for her age. Whatever your relationship with her mother, your relationship with your daughter is critically important.

3. Attach with safety. In America, national surveys of adults find that nine to 28 percent of women say they experienced some type of sexual abuse or assault in childhood. The best preventative measure is to teach your daughter about privacy, modesty, and appropriate boundaries. Fathers model where the lines are between appropriate affection and inappropriate touch.

4. Celebrate her mind. Read to your little girl. Be interested in what she is learning in school. Pay attention to her interests and be honestly curious to learn what she knows about them. Share interesting things about your work and your hobbies. Research shows that the most successful women have generally had fathers who were interested in their intellect and their academics.

5. Go to her events. You may find you have real interest in girls’ basketball or musical theatre when it’s your daughter on the team or in the show. If you don’t, give yourself a pep talk and go anyway. She needs you there as a witness to her talents, her efforts, and her achievements.

6. Tell her she’s pretty. Admire her style. We live in a culture where girls are often insecure about their looks. A dad’s compliments for how she moves on a sports field, dresses for school, or combs her hair aren’t sexist when they’re sincere and not sexual. (A dad would – and should – do the same for his son.) Genuine statements of approval are one of the building blocks of her self-esteem.

7. Show her that real men can negotiate differences with women. When you and your significant other or a female relative disagrees, or if you disagree with her, let your daughter see you work through the conflict in a calm and reasonable way. She is less likely to fall for a bully if she knows that men and women can deal with differences respectfully.

8. Treat all adult women the way you want your daughter to be treated someday. Take care with what you say about women you work with, the women in your family, and even the woman driving the car in the next lane. Don’t indulge in mother-in-law or other sexist jokes. Your daughter is listening. Your attitude about women is part of the attitude she is developing about herself.

9. Treat her the way you want her future partner to treat her. The way you interact with your daughter is what she becomes used to when relating to a man. Treat her with respect, dignity, caring, and affection and she will expect to be treated that way by a mate.

10. Be the kind of man you want your daughter to marry. Make no mistake; you are the model for manhood your daughter is likely to look for when she starts to date. If you want her to find a man who is faithful to his partner, who is honest and hardworking, who knows how to have fun, who uses money wisely and who doesn’t abuse people, drugs, or alcohol, then you need to be that kind of man. “Do as I say, not as I do” seldom works. Your daughter will believe what you do far more than what you say.