It was a pleasure to read some recent newspaper articles describing the large number of teens involved in charity work, especially the many “Walk for….” events. With the growth of gender equality in athletic funding, more teens than ever are involved in sports. Drug use in most areas has been down although alcohol use is up. Unfortunately, cigarette smoking, primarily among adolescent girls, is also up.

The vast majority of teens go to school every day, do a reasonable amount of their work, socialize with friends a lot (especially on the phone), and actually talk to their parents. There are always the music fads and clothing fads, frequently greeted with disapproval by parents. But parents of today’s teenagers are a special lot themselves, for most are products of the 1960s and have vivid memories of their own abuse of sex, drugs, and rock ‘n’ roll. For some parents, this enables them to be more understanding of their kids, especially a generation that is less rebellious than their own. Other parents, however, are ashamed of what they did, don’t want to talk about it, and crack down on their own teens out of fear.

The biggest problems for the current generation of adolescents is the breakdown of family structure. The dominance of absent parents, through divorce and dual incomes, makes communication more difficult. Teens don’t have conversation on demand. To gain insight into your 15-year-old’s thinking, you need to be around each other enough that you catch them at a moment when they want to talk. That’s become extremely difficult when parents are hardly around. Thus, one of the parenting challenges is to find opportunities for one-on-one time, even if it’s just doing some errands together or driving a child to an activity. While carpools are sometimes essential to survival and bringing another child along may be necessary, try as often as possible to make it just one parent/one teen. It’s those moments when something personal may actually come up.

A major concern is the amount of unsupervised time teens have due to not having a parent at home in the afternoons. It is important to have some agreement for touching base during the afternoons. Usually this is a telephone conversation. While some teens will resist what they interpret as distrust — “Why do you have to check up on me?” — most will appreciate the underlying care and protection of parental limits regardless of their complaints. It is also helpful if there are friends or neighbors around who can be a checkpoint for your teen. Ideally, many teens are involved in some structured activity at least a few afternoons a week or may work part-time.

Probably the biggest challenge for parents is trying to create a new mix in their relationships with teenage children. You need to be less authoritarian, creating a blend of parent, guide, and friend. Rules need to be open to more negotiation, yet parents must still set the outer limits firmly. I often use the analogy of moving back the fences of the corral so the young horses have enough room to run without feeling the need to jump the fence. It means both parties need to understand each other better. Don’t expect your teenager to open up to you if it’s not reciprocated. Not stories about how hard you worked at their age, but stories of your own struggles to navigate adolescence and some of the mistakes you made and still turned out okay. It also includes sharing some of your struggles in today’s world. Too often we try to protect our children from the challenges of daily life. The result is not only a distorted view of what they should expect as adults, but also a one-sided demand for openness. Share just enough that you are a real person to them as much as you want them to be a real person to you.

Of course, for some, adolescence is a painful, even dangerous, time. Depression, drug addiction, teenage pregnancies, school failure, and acting out against others occurs in many families. In these situations special help should be sought to assist in trying to solve the problems. But, for today, I just thought teens deserved some positive press. The vast majority have adapted well, despite parental fears, and credit goes to parents, schools, community organizations, and the kids themselves.

One 4-year-old boy, whose family had moved to a new state at the beginning of the summer, seemed to adjust surprisingly well. He had a great summer. His parents couldn’t believe it because he tended to have trouble dealing with change. In September, he started at his new nursery school. Suddenly he became sad, clingy, and began to soil – all the behaviors the parents had originally expected. Talking with this child gradually revealed that he had intuitively believed that living in the new home was just a summer vacation, like when the family had gone to the shore the previous year. He expected to be reunited with his friends in September. It was only then that he truly realized this was permanent and became upset. Of course his parents had explained the move, but he only heard what he wanted to believe.

In the hectic times following a move, parents often don’t have the energy to work extra hard on helping a child settle into the proper routine. A 3-year-old girl didn’t like her new home and refused to sleep in her new bedroom. It was easier to just let her fall asleep night after night in the parents’ bed. As life settled down, they became increasingly frustrated with being unable to get their daughter to sleep in her own bed.

A 6-year-old boy had no problems sleeping anywhere, until the family moved into a new home that was much larger and the boy’s bedroom was now upstairs, removed from the flow of activity. The new bedroom suddenly was inhabited with scary creatures only visible to a young boy.

Moving can be very disorienting to a young child. They are tiny creatures in a world full of giants and much confusion. They rely on predictability and attachment to caretakers to generate a sense of security. Parents often believe that using words will suffice to create an understanding of what the child is about to experience. But young children do not comprehend the meaning of words describing experiences they have yet to experience! It may seem as if they do – but don’t be fooled.

This means trying to use any strategy that can make the change as concrete and tangible as possible. Buy a new dollhouse, set it up in another part of the house, move the family and their furniture, and play out the expected activities that occur after moving. Create a book about moving, with drawings and photographs of the old house and new house. Read children’s books to them about moving. Even though it makes moving day more hectic, have the children around as the movers load the truck. Children will rely on their magical thinking and childhood logic to address the logistics of moving. They need real experiences to help guide them through the process – even if seeing their belongings carried out of the house is initially distressing.

A favorite recommendation is to create a box of objects that provide a concrete connection to the old house. Take a shoebox and have the child fill it with leaves, rocks, and other small objects from the yard. Use a digital camera and allow the child to direct what pictures she wants. By seeing them instantly, she can let you know if you’ve captured what she wants. You may also have some of her neighborhood friends put small objects in the box as well as a picture of the friends.

Object permanency is elusive for a very young child. Out of sight often means it is gone. A few months after moving, especially if the child is expressing a dislike for the new home, make a trip back to the old home. “See, it is still there.” “See the new family and their new furniture in the house.” Yes, some children will be angry – “My house!” But that gives you a chance to help them vent the anger, working it through in play, conversation, or drawings. Then the child may be ready to complete the move.

As for the frequent night fears and sleep disruptions, keep the bedtime process in the child’s bedroom, meaning that you may need to stay in the room until the child falls asleep. Other regressions may also occur such as baby talk and loss of toilet training. This is partly a normal response to stress, partly a wish to return to the past. The child needs to be told that his being sad or mad or scared is normal. At the center of this must be the awareness that the young child’s distress increases the need to reaffirm his attachment to you, for that bond is the essence of his sense of security. Don’t lose sight of that in the midst of all your distractions caused by the move and, gradually, everyone will settle in.

Q: My son is four years old and he rules the house. His first response to everything is “No!” Getting him dressed, getting him to eat breakfast, getting him off to nursery school or day care is a daily struggle. He throws tantrums whenever he isn’t getting what he wants – and sometimes even when he does. He’s very jealous of his 2-year-old sister and constantly goes after her. He wears me down. I know I’m losing it too much and screaming at him, of course, to no avail.

My husband and I try to discipline him but he won’t stay in time out – he keeps walking out of his room. And trying to get him to stay in his bed at night is another constant challenge along with attempting to have a peaceful dinner. Yet he can be a warm, affectionate child and, at times, is a delight to play with or read to. At school, they tell me he’s terrific! That makes me feel that I’m doing something wrong. I know we’re not being very consistent with our discipline. My husband and I often end up yelling at each other for not following through. Any suggestions?

A: Whenever parents are struggling with a very difficult-to-manage child, the first step is to consult with your physician, including an allergist, to make sure there is nothing medical affecting your child’s behavior. As a mental health professional, I take a careful early history to ascertain if this is primarily an issue of temperament, i.e., is there clear evidence of challenges right from the beginning? Another related avenue to explore is the more recently identified concept of sensory integration problems, often suggested by a history of not being calmed by touch, fear reactions to loud noises or frequently pulling off clothing (possibly caused by certain materials being irritating).

Whatever the cause, it is important to begin by recognizing that you cannot control your child’s behavior. It is a false expectation that contributes to a parent’s notion of being a failure or results in sometimes very harmful efforts to become even more authoritarian and angry. The only things you can control are your behavior and the consequences of your child’s behavior, which you must learn to actively and consistently manage so that your child learns to make improved choices. For many children this is an easy process because they are naturally eager to please or are very even-tempered. But some children are impulsive, moody, deficient in the ability to calm themselves and very needy of attention. These children with difficult temperaments may always struggle in that they tend to persist in a higher rate of making unacceptable choices. They present special challenges to all parents.

It’s important to realize that parenting is not a one-way process. Children influence parents as least as much as the reverse. So when you have a child who is difficult from an early age, you begin to have doubts about yourself as a parent and begin to have feelings of resentment toward this child. The latter is typically admitted with significant feelings of guilt. These doubts and negative emotions make it even more difficult to parent effectively.

It is very common for the parents of a challenging child to think of themselves as being bad parents, especially mothers, whom our society burdens with a sense of responsibility for the behavior of their children. Yet these same parents typically have one or more additional children who are doing very well but the parents don’t take any credit for that!

It is typically a relief just to help parents understand that they are not the cause of this child’s difficulties and that they cannot do anything to change the child’s core makeup. What is most likely happening by the time they reach my office is that they have been worn out by the process and are now doing things that are probably increasing the challenging behaviors.

Let’s get to some guidelines about what to do. Mornings are a challenge. It helps to remember that a central issue for this child is probably an exaggerated need for attention, a combination of problems with soothing himself and being able to stay focused on activities when alone. These children often do better in a school setting because it is typically highly structured and they are influenced to follow the rules by the rest of the children. When they do have a problem in preschool, it is usually when the program is less structured, the environment is too noisy, or their need for attention results in conflict with other children.

The extra need for structure is very important to these children. They are less able to create their own. So borrow from your preschool, which usually has the daily schedule on a big poster with pictures, and the children review it routinely. Thus, parents should create, with the child’s assistance, a large poster that outlines the morning routine. Include times, a brief statement of the task to be completed, and a picture or drawing of the task. Place a large, analog clock next to the poster. Then, throughout the morning, keep referring to the poster: “It’s 7:20 and the poster says you are supposed to have brushed your teeth already. Oh-oh, you better hurry up or you won’t be done getting dressed by 7:35.” It’s as if the poster is in charge, not the parent — you can’t argue with a poster!

If possible, build into the end of the schedule a brief playtime which, of course, can only happen if he’s done on time. That way you are getting the child to work for the very thing he wants the most — your attention.

The same process can be used at night, with the same one-on-one attention at the end if the child is ready on time.

Now, what should you do when the child throws a tantrum? Walk away, even if the child responds by intensifying the tantrum or keeping at it for a longer period of time. Wait until it run its course before attempting any discipline. If the child has really lost it, keep in mind that it is a scary experience for him and you should verbalize that probable feeling when the tantrum is over. You may also decide in those instances to offer some soothing comments in addition to a possible negative consequence.

Remember that one of the most effective discipline techniques you have as a parent is the attention you give to your children. The challenging child has learned to get most of his attention by negative behaviors. You must reverse that by withdrawing your attention at those times, with less concern about useless lectures and admonitions, and making a point of reinforcing positive behavior by giving more of your attention at those moments. It can often help to use structure here as well by listing some key positive behaviors on a chart that earn extra playtime with a parent.

Time out is still one of the most effective discipline techniques but a key to making it work, once again, is recognizing that you cannot control your child’s behavior, only the consequences. If a child refuses to go to his room or stay in there for the required amount of time (just a few minutes for preschoolers), you kneel down and look him right in the eye and say, “You’re right. I can’t make you stay in your room. But if you don’t then the next time you ask me to do something with or for you, I will just say no and remind you that you owe me a timeout.” Then walk away. Your child will soon need something from you and you remind him not until he completes his time out. You will get tested on this a few times and once the child realizes you are like an elephant that never forgets (having an elephant mask or picture handy adds some levity to this process), he will become much more compliant in accepting his punishment.

The key issues in parenting a challenging child are not to lose confidence in yourself as a parent, be persistent in creating structure and managing your attention, and finding the positive aspects of your child and focusing as much attention on that as possible.

The good news is that those same characteristics can be used to help them change from feeling powerless and overwhelmed into children who feel capable of solving their problems. In other words, these children learn to be more resilient. When I ask parents in my workshops what qualities or strengths they most want for their children, I usually hear a list that includes happiness, health, kindness, sociability, and achievement. What I focus on, however, is resilience. This concept, expertly evolved in a series of books written by Drs. Robert Brooks and Sam Goldstein, refers to developing a sense of being able to solve the problems that life inevitably poses to all of us.

In the discussion that follows, I will describe some of the issues these children presented (details are changed to protect confidentiality) and the strategies used to empower these children to learn how to manage their fears.

Micah, an 11-year-old boy, who was described as very sensitive and caring, had developed a significant problem around separating from his parents. It had reached a point where it impacted their ability to go out without him as well as his ability to go on field trips or to stay over at a friend’s house. He had developed chronic complaints of stomachaches (nothing found by his physician). We refer to developing physical symptoms as somatization. It is very common in children (keeps school nurses very busy) but is also common in adults.

Typically one of the first stages in my work with these children is a psychoeducational piece. With Micah, I explained what happens in the body when we get anxious (nervous, worried). The brain sets off an alarm and the body, like a fire department, swings into action. This is about the “flight or fight” mechanism. The body produces adrenalin which in turn causes our heart to speed up, pumping more oxygen to give the body more energy. Our muscles tighten, ready to spring into action. Our pupils dilate, the better to spot problems. Now, this can be helpful if there is really a threat that we need to deal with. But what if there isn’t? I use one of the many ideas I’ve learned from a colleague, Dr. Susan Davidson, a behavioral psychologist, who specializes in the treatment of anxiety disorders. “Micah, does the smoke alarm ever go off in your house but there isn’t a fire?” He laughs. “Sure sometimes when mom’s cooking!” Please note the value of humor in helping children understand and deal with problems. (Actually it’s also very helpful with adults.) So we begin to use the concept of “false alarms.” Do we want those firemen racing to his house when there’s no fire to put out? Of course not.

Micah and I worked on the problem in a few ways. I taught him how to relax his body. Open your palms, hands pointed down (an inviting rather than rejecting position that is part of yoga), taking a deep breath, and then drop your belly! Kids usually laugh when I say this. But they catch on quick as I demonstrate it and can immediately feel their body relax. I explain how their body can’t be anxious and relaxed at same time. Micah started to feel he could control at least part of what was happening to him.

We also talked about how stress causes “aches” and he was able to list stomach, back, and head as common aches we all experience from stress but he had never thought of it in that way. Another helpful piece of information.

Then we began to make lists of past worries and checking off which had actually come to life. Sometimes there may be a couple. Often there are none. Either way, it is immediately clear that most of the worrying is for naught. Then we make a list of worries about what bad things might happen in the coming week. At our next appointment we review the list and rarely has any of the worries come true. I focus on the concept of the brain sending false alarms (not Micah having unnecessary worries – better to blame the brain) and that he can now begin to tell the brain when there really isn’t a fire. “Aw, it’s just mom burning dinner again!”

Given a way to understand what has been happening inside his body and a few strategies to better control what is going on, Micah quickly has a couple of positive experiences and quickly improves. I find that these bright children are able to take the ball and run to daylight almost immediately. They start to feel more confident, more resilient, and often are quickly telling me they don’t really need these appointments any more. Thank you very much, but I’d rather be playing with my friends!

Allison, an 8-year-old, brought another aspect of these issues into the office – temperament. She was described by her parents as “slow to warm up.” These children, and their close “cousins,” shy, have an exaggerated self-consciousness that makes them more prone to worry. Allison demonstrated a common aspect of worriers – “catastrophizing.” This refers to taking a small problem and turning it into a potential catastrophe. Often the child doesn’t see that she is doing this but Allison did. However, she said she couldn’t stop it and had no idea why she was doing it.

One of our main frustrations with the program stemmed from the way my husband and I were regarded by the staff. For reasons that are still not completely clear to me, they saw us as overbearing, controlling parents, and instead of encouraging Dan to include us in the major decisions regarding how he should proceed with his life, they discouraged him from consulting with us at all.

Though this part of Dan’s journey occurred almost four years ago, I think about it often. Was it us? Did we really come across as overpowering and manipulative with our son? I honestly don’t think so and am still baffled by this scenario. I don’t have an explanation, but I have some thoughts which may be helpful to those considering a residential program for their child.

For one thing, the staff at this program not only saw Dan in the worst condition of his life, they saw his parents in pretty bad shape as well. By the time our son entered this program, he had been dealing with severe OCD for several months; OCD so bad that he would often spend entire days just lying on the floor, doing absolutely nothing. Not surprisingly, our whole family was affected by this situation, and my husband’s and my nerves were frayed. We were exhausted, stressed, confused, and most of all, terrified. While family and friends who knew us well saw us as caring parents who weren’t quite “ourselves,” the staff at the program didn’t really know us at all. I’m sure they saw us as a dysfunctional family, and, to tell you the truth, by the time Dan arrived at the program, we were. Still, while we may not have been in great condition, we weren’t raving maniacs either.

Another issue was Dan’s age. He had turned 19 the week before starting the program, and was considered an adult. The staff felt he should make his own decisions regarding how long he should stay and whether he should go back to school.

This still floors me. Of course Dan’s opinion mattered, but we absolutely should have been included in these discussions. What amazes me most is that the staff knew how bad Dan’s OCD was. How could they expect a 19-year-old who was barely functioning to make these major life decisions without his family’s input? Why should he have to? Ultimately, we did have control over Dan’s length of stay, as we were paying for it.

Perhaps what the staff at this program disliked about us the most was the fact that we openly disagreed with them over how Dan’s treatment should progress. After spending nine weeks there, we knew it was time for Dan to leave the program and go back to college. It was obvious to us he was becoming institutionalized, and the bottom line was that Dan had chosen this summer program because he was so intent on going back to the college he loved.

We knew that leaving was the right thing for him to do, and our decision was supported by two psychologists outside of the residential program. But his treatment providers wanted him to stay. This is when it really became “Us vs. Them,” and though we tried to work together, they kept insisting that they knew best and we were making a big mistake.

The main problem, as I see it, is that the psychologist, psychiatrist, and social worker at this residential treatment program didn’t know the real Dan. They knew the Dan who entered their program in the worst shape of his life, battling severe obsessive-compulsive disorder. But he was our son, and we knew him better than anyone, even better than he knew himself at the time. Rather than viewing us suspiciously, as if we had some type of ulterior motive, it would have been so beneficial to Dan if we could have all worked together.

Instead it became adversarial, and this made an already difficult situation worse. Dan had enough to deal with without the added stress that arose from feeling torn between his parents and the staff with whom he had grown so close. While I know his treatment providers may very well have had his best interests at heart, he was still just one of their many clients. But he’s our son. And nobody cares about him, loves him, and is as totally vested in his well-being as we are. We had to remind Dan’s social worker and therapists of this more than once; we shouldn’t have had to tell them at all.

If you are considering a residential treatment program for your teenager or young adult with obsessive-compulsive disorder, I would suggest having some conversations before they even enter the program. How is it determined how long they will stay? Who decides? How is ongoing communication maintained with parents? And if you have any issues, questions, or concerns while your loved one is there, address them immediately with your liaison. Most important, remember that you care about your son or daughter more than anyone, and your feelings and opinions should be respected.

Acts of violence have always been a part of human nature and will continue unless we become some sci-fi world with better living through chemistry and genetic manipulation. Sure, there are general reasons the experts will point to, such as alienation; access to guns; too much exposure to violence; a society whose leaders lack values; and families who are disconnected from community.

But the reality is that the great majority of teenagers are growing up in this environment and not killing anyone. That doesn’t mean we should ignore steps to reduce the negative influences on their lives and ours. It does mean that no matter what we do, there will always be tragedies. We simply do not have that much control over another person’s life. That is a frightening reality for most parents to accept.

But this doesn’t mean that parents shouldn’t be doing things that make it more likely that their children would turn out okay. Inside each home there are parents asking if their son or daughter could be in trouble and the parents might not know it. Or, even scarier, there are parents who see their children struggling and feel powerless to help. What do we know that will help?

Well, the research points to the same issue nearly every time: children who have stronger relationships with their parents are less likely to end up in serious trouble. My emphasis on “serious” is because too often parents are upset about issues that are not life-threatening or life-determining. Clean rooms, grades and homework, being disorganized, being impulsive and screwing up, foul language, a few extra holes in an ear, some grungy friends, some broken curfews, or the protective or manipulative “lies” that children use to try to get away with things – all normal adolescent behaviors that do not alone signify a child “going down the tubes.”

Adolescence is a time for many teens to experience disconnection and disorientation, to become confused and uncertain about their values or about their capacity for success. It is a time to be scared about changing bodies and changing friends and experiencing failures when success may have usually come easily. It is a time to defy and distrust authority. It is a time, especially in with the phenomenon of the Internet, when teens’ worlds expand exponentially and it is quite a challenge for them to digest and manage all to which they are exposed.

Parents often respond to this by waging battles for control. While it is essential to have some unequivocal rules that involve health and safety and to seek help from others if there are signs of more serious trouble (e.g., depression, explosive outbursts, eating disorders, substance abuse, marked change in personality), it is particularly important to focus less on content and more on process.

What does this mean? Simply, that nothing is a substitute for maintaining the connection between you and your teenager. Time must be found for one-to-one interactions. Parents must be ready to give their attention when a teenager is suddenly ready to talk. Parents need to spend some time inside the world of their teenager and try to do so without being too judgmental. Do errands and chores together. Find an activity that can be shared. Take a teenage child out to dinner occasionally. A parent whose work involves travel can bring along a teenage child and turn it into a significantly valuable time together. Know each other!

Remember that you most likely did some things wrong along the way. It can be helpful to share that. Why should your child be open with you if there is not some reciprocity? That includes sharing some of your current anxieties or mistakes. We all mess up. We all have our vulnerabilities. We all seek safety and security. In that way, you and your teen have much in common. The key difference is that a teen’s life has few real choices and does not have a valued place in our society. We ask them to be responsible but there is little immediate reinforcement for that except to keep the adults from being angry and disappointed with them. Believe in your child, even when he or she is struggling, or simply not meeting your expectations.

For some parents, there is the harsh reality that, despite doing a good job, their child is having significant problems, and the parents are being shut out while nothing seems to be helping. This is definitely painful and scary. Even with professional help and support from school staff, some child will fall into a “black hole,” influenced by biology, peers, and social forces. This underscores another reality about the tragedies that have been taking place: All the perpetrators have been male.

Our society gives out powerful messages that are absorbed by our children. What girls hear and respond to leads them to turn against themselves, especially in the form of eating disorders (and a skyrocketing rate of smoking). What boys hear and respond to leads them to turn against others, in acts of verbal and physical abuse. In the face of all this, parents are worried, possibly more than ever, about the health and success of their children.

But I must return to my primary message of urging parents to have a more optimistic outlook and to not let their anxiety sabotage what is most important, the relationship each parent has with each child. A friend and colleague, Bob Brooks, often speaks about the resiliency of children and what contributes to it. The research clearly indicates that the presence of a “charismatic adult” is one of the primary predictors of turning out okay.

So often I read the stories of successful adults who grew up under terrible circumstances and there is always reference to a parent, relative, teacher, or coach who believed in them and provided guidance and an available ear when needed. Dr. Brooks often ends his presentations by challenging parents to be that charismatic adult in the lives of their children. It is no guarantee that everything will turn out all right. Nothing can do that. But it does make it much more likely that you will end up with an adult child who is not only doing well but is also your friend.

People are hungry for community these days. Cell phones and computers keep us connected more than ever, it’s true. But they keep us connected primarily to people we already know or people we’ve never met. The irony of all that connection is that people’s circles of actual practical support may be quite small. Although relationships made online can certainly be meaningful and intense, it’s also true that people we game with who live hundreds of miles away aren’t likely to drop by for coffee or help out after a storm. The challenge of our times is to figure out how to use the wonderful worldwide resource that the Internet provides but not lose our immediate, in the flesh, daily reciprocal connection with those who live around the corner.

As Adler so eloquently stated, the feeling of belonging is central to our comfort, our safety, and our sense of ourselves as being worthwhile. When people feel part of a larger community, they are more likely to show up and to be supportive, both in times of tragedy and times of celebration. Those who are fortunate enough to belong to a community of faith know how this works. When a family is in need, people they’ve barely said hello to still respond because there is a sense that what happens to one matters to all.

There are only a few other places in present-day towns and cities where people can get to know one another over time simply by being together on a regular basis. Some towns have created lively community centers. But in times of economic hardship, recreation departments and community services often get cut back. The place that usually survives and thrives despite these challenges is the town library. It’s valued as a place that contributes to a town’s identity and that connects people with resources and with each other.

I do have libraries on my mind these days. A local, small (very small) town is trying to collect enough money for a matching grant to build a new library. The current library is certainly dear, but antiquated. It’s so tiny people have to use it in shifts. With no running water, a composting toilet, and a minimal staff, it nonetheless hosts storytimes, provides an Internet hotspot in a town where there’s little access, and creates a meeting place in a community that doesn’t even have a convenience store. (A link to a video about the library is at the bottom of this post.)

Those who use the library are passionate about it. Why? Because, despite those who see libraries going the way of video stores, a library is not just about books. It’s about community, discovery, and valuing the written word. It’s about teaching children to love books and stories. It’s about the value of those fly-bys where we have a minute with a neighbor we haven’t seen in weeks just because we happen to bump into each other when picking out a book. When people regularly connect to each other, even peripherally, they experience themselves as belonging to something larger than their immediate family and their own group of friends. It fosters community pride and community participation.

One of the few truly democratic gathering places, a library welcomes the young, the old, teens, students, professionals and tradespeople. Anyone who wants to read, to search, or to simply be in a quiet place can find information and social connection. There is room for those who want to quietly chat. There’s respect for those who prefer to enjoy the quiet companionship of being with others without verbal exchanges. Regulars soon learn who needs what and find their own niche.

For parents of young children, the library can be a lifesaver. When youngsters are antsy because it’s the third rainy day in a row, all a parent has to do is scoop the kids up and go. A library visit is an inexpensive and rewarding way to spend a few hours. The kids get to choose old favorites or new books to look at. Parents can snuggle up with children to read and look at pictures. Kids and parents can get to know other families. What started out as a stressful afternoon becomes a shared adventure.

The library gets teens out of their personal room-caves and into the community. Not every student has a computer at home. Not everyone knows how to surf the Internet for that tough history assignment or how to write a bibliography. Doing homework and research at the local library opens up the world of information and encourages kids to ask for help when they need it. Librarians show them how to broaden or narrow the search, how to look at databases and how to find new topics.

Some kids use the library inappropriately as a hangout and are inconsiderate of others, it’s true. But most of the time they can be redirected. Hopefully, they learn something about civility and community courtesy in the process.

And for us older folks? Some of us belong to book clubs and would rather borrow than buy the book of the month. Others enjoy reading the local newspapers or exploring international magazines. Still others like to reduce the isolation of working from home and set up in the library for an afternoon of working companionably with others. Those looking for work can surf the want ads, learn more about how to market themselves, and perhaps find like-minded people with whom to compare notes. Those who feel isolated at home can meet at the library to read, to chat quietly, or use a computer without the noise and distractions of the local coffee shops.

Libraries aren’t just a place to borrow books or get on a computer. They are places where we can feed the mind, affirm our membership in our community and maintain our sense of belonging. Adler would have seen them as an essential support for a community’s mental health.

To see the video from the little town that is trying so hard to make a community center and library, click here.

Here are some other fun videos about how libraries serve the community:

• http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ac91qqoRL2o&feature=related
• http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jHD4h5KONP8&feature=related
• http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gMBHLlswnII&feature=related

Okay, you made it through that dreaded junior year, the supposedly make-or-break year that colleges will be very influenced by in making their decisions. Now you are starting the rising-senior summer when most students and parents begin to seriously look at what colleges to apply to. This has become a time-consuming, highly stressful process that doesn’t end until next spring when the desired acceptance letter does — or does not — arrive. Why is there so much anxiety about getting into the “right” school, which often leads to many students applying to more than a dozen schools? The process has gotten out of control, largely due to misconceptions about what is really important about the college experience.

The myth is that if you go to the best rated college possible it increases the likelihood of a more successful career or a better life. But that assumption is simply not true. Based on the data I’ve seen, there is no significant relationship between the college one attends and the career or life success one achieves.

Typically there is too much focus on career success. But what do we mean by career success – amount of money earned – happiness with what one does – prizes won – public recognition…? The list goes on. If it’s money you’re after, which college you choose means the least? If it’s a Nobel Prize, then college choice may be more of a factor. If it’s just finding a career you really love, well, forget “which college.” Most students change majors and still leave college with little certainty about career choice.

The typical post-graduation vision of a career changes, sometimes often, over the next several years. More and more, adult lives are being characterized by at least two careers, often unrelated. If you look at that kind of big picture before you start the process of selecting a college, you should be able to reduce the stress as well as use a very different set of criteria for your selection process.

Choosing a Place to Live

I believe that college should be viewed as a life experience. The academic piece is simply one part, and, frequently, not the most important part. For many, here is the one time in your life that you can actually choose where you would like to live. What part of the country or world; an urban, suburban or rural place; a small, medium, large or huge campus; the makeup of the student body?

These are the key questions for most. There is the exception for a select few that truly have a calling that is likely to sustain itself and if it’s a narrow one, you will need to pick a school that offers the coursework you need. But even that can be questioned. For virtually every profession or career, any solid liberal arts background can be ideal — even if it means, later on, taking an advanced degree, or picking up some extra courses to enable you to enter a particular career.

So where do you want to live? For most teens, whose geographic exposure is limited, that alone can be a daunting question. Sure, UMiami or one of the southern California coast colleges sounds dreamy. The skiers may want to head for the mountains. The adventurous may be off to a big city or across a border. But this is the first question to address and explore.

Meanwhile, there are the other stories, the ones that concern me more, to be honest. Depression and suicide rates are rising among teens and especially among pre-teens. Mental health problems are a virtual epidemic on college campuses. But the headline that really triggered this column was “School cheating scandal divides N.H. town.”

In Hanover, New Hampshire, where an Ivy League school, Dartmouth College, is located, nine students from the local high school were arrested on charges of breaking and entering. They allegedly carried out a plan that involved stealing keys from teachers, breaking into the school, stealing copies of finals, and distributing them to friends.

There are two interesting aspects to this story. One is that students would go to such great lengths and commit criminal acts to try to get better test scores. The other is how the parents of those accused are furious that the police were brought in and believe the matter should be handled “in house.” That’s another way of saying, please just give our children a little slap on the wrist and forgive their foolishness so their chance for greatness won’t be diminished.

It really does start with the parents, their values and beliefs, from preschool years and on. They are both victims and perpetrators. The former refers to parents being inundated with misleading information from the media and various “experts” that keeps claiming it is academic achievement that will determine your child’s chance for a successful life. Too many parents have bought this story line even though research and common sense make it clear to be a false set of values. Parents then behave in a way to hold their children to these standards and expectations, creating an unreal amount of stress in home after home.

It’s really a shame. Let’s start with preschool. What should children really be learning here? It is their introduction to the educational system. They need to learn to respect and trust teachers as important adults in their lives. Of course, for that to happen, the teachers need to make them feel safe by identifying their strengths and interests and building on them, by using play as the central learning mode because that is most age-appropriate, and by helping children to develop early social skills. If the neighborhood preschool does this satisfactorily, then I urge parents to choose it over the “better preschool” in another part of town that makes life more complicated and, usually, carries with it increased expense, higher expectations, and the start of making school performance a source of great stress for the entire family.

We chose the easy, neighborhood path with our two sons. They had wonderful experiences, walked there with their friends, and it was a relaxed time for all. Being in the Boston area, there were obviously choices that would have put more stress on beginning academic skills just as the option of private schooling was readily available over the rest of their public education. But the boys wanted to stay with their friends and we didn’t really believe private school was necessary for either child.

Please note I do believe that private school is a best fit for some children, whether it is due to the need for smaller classes, the need for a curriculum that emphasizes different strengths (especially the artistic, creative children), or a program better suited to a child with special needs. Beyond that, it’s just not essential to spend all that money and set all those higher expectations.

Both of our sons have very successful careers despite ordinary preschool experiences and just “good colleges.” Their degree of personal happiness, as is the case with nearly everyone, is not determined by academically related factors. It is based on many psychological and social issues that schools never address: Marriage, family, friendships, self-awareness, and self-confidence. It is also impacted by chance events such as medical issues.

While some aspects of discipline change as your child moves into the 16- to 18-year-old range, it is important to realize that these teens still need the security of enforced limits and that they are still dependent upon you in many ways, despite their adult-like appearance or independence. This process is made easier if you have been able to maintain a reasonable connection with your teenager. The more engaged you are in his or her life, the more likely some of these issues can actually be talked through with positive results. A key to resolving conflicts here, in fact, is treating the teen more as an adult and asking her to reflect on the problem and come up with her own solution.

A 17-year-old daughter was supposed to pick up her younger brother from day camp. Twice she had been so late that the camp had called the mother at work. Thank goodness for cell phones. The mother was able to track down her daughter who claimed (!) to be on her way but had an excuse for being late each time. This mother, who has a history of intimate conversations with her daughter about many issues, simply said she could not get another call from the camp because it was putting her son at risk for renewing the next two-week segment. She expressed the feeling that her daughter was not being responsible here and felt that she should have some consequence for creating this mini-crisis.

Although the daughter still tried to excuse herself, she gradually acknowledged that, at the very least, she was not allowing enough time in case something did go wrong. The mother told her she was old enough to come up with a reasonable consequence for messing up here rather than have the mother simply discipline her. The daughter was able to conclude that she owed a debt to her brother for making him wait and be upset as well as to her mother for upsetting her and having to spend the extra time dealing with this. The daughter’s solution was to agree to take her brother out for a Saturday afternoon, rain or shine (which might mean missing a beach day), which would include a couple of activities of his choice. That would also give her mother some extra free time.

Of course it often won’t be that easy. The daughter might have been belligerent, saying the mixups weren’t her fault and refusing to work out a solution with the mother. In fact, she might argue how she is doing her mother a big favor by picking up her brother and it is really very inconvenient for her to do this each day. This is where some parents feel they have few options and often back down with just a scolding or a grounding that frequently isn’t enforced.

It’s important not to stop being an authoritative parent. When the effort to work out a joint solution fails, then it requires that the parent create a consequence that she has some control over. In this case, the mother was taking the train to work to allow her daughter to have access to the car. This allowed the daughter to go to her job, pick up her brother, and still have the opportunity to spend time with friends during the day. So let’s imagine how this mother might have dealt with an uncooperative daughter.

In response to her daughter’s lack of accepting responsibility, the mother chose to take the car back for a week and make temporary alternative arrangements to have her son picked up. The daughter was shocked at losing access to the car. “How will I get to work? I’ll lose my job.” The mother said that it was up to her daughter to resolve that problem, noting that to use the car brings with it a higher expectation of acting responsibly. Many times parents won’t do something like this because they take on the responsibility of making sure their child can get to work. Once you do that, you have lost too much leverage. And it’s not how the real world works.

A 17-year-old boy, in a fit of anger, punched a hole in his bedroom wall. The parents insisted he pay for the repair and he refused. He was bound for college in the fall and was putting all his money away for personal expenses at school. He didn’t care if there was a hole in “his wall,” conveniently ignoring the fact that it was his parents’ home. They had put money aside to pay for his books. So he was told that the repair money would come from that and he would either have to get more used books or use his savings to make up the difference.

Another 17-year-old son had twice been found to have beer cans in the back of his car. He insisted he hadn’t been drinking nor had his friends been drinking in the car, both rules that had been agreed upon prior to his buying the car with his own money. Since the parents did not believe his explanation, especially in a context of increased moodiness and less responsibility about his schoolwork, they felt some firm response was required. For the next two weeks, they wanted the car’s use to be limited to just going to school and back and no friends could be in the car. “But it’s my car,” said the son, “and there isn’t anything you can do about it.”

However, as is often the case, the parents were paying for the insurance. They were very firm with him, saying that it would only take one call to their agent and the car would have to come off the road. The son didn’t think they would actually do this – usually he had been able to intimidate his parents. But with the support they were getting from a counselor, they convinced him they were serious and he accepted the limits. That also led to further discussions about the negative changes they had seen in him lately and ultimately led to his agreeing to see a therapist.

In a more extreme action, a single mother whose son worked, owned his own car, and paid for his own insurance, had grounded him for being destructive to property in the house and verbally abusive toward her. But Friday night came and he walked out the door, saying there wasn’t anything she could do about it. Using a tough love approach that was being encouraged by her therapist, the mother was able to find a locksmith willing to come to the house that evening and change the locks. Her son banged on the doors and then went to a friend’s for the night when his mother refused to let him in and threatened to call the police if he didn’t stop. He avoided her until Sunday, then came home and asked to talk to her. They discussed how he needed to accept that if he was going to live in the house and be a member of the family, then he had to live with his mother’s rules. If he had a gripe, then it had to be worked out and not acted out. He realized he loved his mother and wanted to continue to live with her, apologized, and managed to be more reasonable in his behavior.

These are a sampling of examples of how parents can, and need to, assert themselves with older teenagers. But sometimes the relationship with one’s teenager is so frayed and volatile that negotiations just continually break down and the teen remains very defiant, possibly running away or becoming more violent. In these situations, parents need to seek outside help from family therapists and, sometimes, the courts. If you are afraid of your teenager, then you must seek help.

A key thread running through all this is that your children will continue to need active, involved parenting right on into their adult lives. It doesn’t stop somewhere in the middle of high school. Recognizing that gives you some leverage to enforce the rules that remain in place even as your children get older. But you must be willing to not be coerced into taking too much responsibility for protecting your child from possible consequences, even when it might impact a job, participation in a sport, or grades. It’s simply part of the never-ending process of your child learning to be responsible for his or her actions.

As I read the article, I was reminded of an experience I had as a consultant to the Pollard Junior High School in Needham, MA back in the early 1970s. Yes, that is a long time ago! I suppose what I am about to describe was actually a very innovative concept that was ahead of its time.

In the 1970s, Massachusetts had separate funding for special education services for students diagnosed with significant emotional/behavioral problems. Providing these services in junior high schools presented especially challenging tasks for educators. Part of it was the context. Junior highs had always seemed like a bad idea to me and many others. Isolating teenagers when they are feeling disconnected from the world around them (family and community) only seemed to exacerbate their developmental issues. Obviously those teens who were struggling the most would be even more problematic in such an environment.

This was also a time when drug use had begun to reach early teens. (Of course, now this problem starts much younger.) Everyone was grappling with how to deal with this issue and there were few resources or successful interventions that had been established.

At the time, we were fortunate to have a Director of Special Education in Needham who was very open to trying new approaches to solving tough problems. In addition, the principal and assistant principal at the junior high were also very eager to try something new because the old model (isolate in a small class; punish unacceptable behavior) wasn’t working. One of the guidance counselors agreed to be assigned to the program. We had worked together with a number of children he had referred to me in the several years I had been in private practice in Needham. So when he asked me about joining their team as a consultant I was honored and excited. [It was a pro bono arrangement and understood that I could not receive referrals of any of these students.]

The basis of what we evolved relied on the following facts: these students had a long negative history with school, saw the system as being against them, did not see educators as caring or helpful adults in their lives, and viewed themselves as losers. They were all boys (unfortunately still a common finding), frequently explosive, typically arrived late or took off during the day, and came from families that were beaten down by years of behavioral problems at home and in the community.

To these facts we added some assumptions that led to a new approach: everyone has strengths (what Dr. Brooks refers to as “islands of competence”) and success required identifying these strengths and building on them as opposed to the deficit model which tries to fix the weaknesses, an approach that, unfortunately still dominates our educational system and only serves to further damage the self-esteem of struggling students; these students could not spend six hours in school; we needed to get them to believe we actually cared and that we genuinely wanted their involvement in finding solutions; parents needed support and had to also buy into what we were doing.

The most innovative aspect of the program was to have the students get academic credit for time spent volunteering in work or other school settings. This would be supervised by visits from the guidance counselor, supported by weekly classes that were more like support groups where the teens could discuss the challenges of meeting expectations in these settings as well as sharing their successes. In addition, the number of school subjects was reduced (remember they were earning credit in these work placements; that concept was a key factor in changing the students’ perceptions that nothing about school could be positive) and we used high school students to tutor/mentor these teens in the few formal classes they still had to take, reducing the time they spent in the “retard room” as they called their special ed classroom.

These tutors were carefully chosen to fit the interests of our students, so some of their time together could be spent talking about subjects of common interest (cars and music were especially high on the list). Obviously, part of the concept was to expose the students to the idea that kids like them could find success in school and have a plan to do something positive after graduation.

I’ll share some examples of what we did. My favorite is about a boy who loved animals. He admitted he once thought about being a vet but soon “realized” he was too stupid to ever become one. We arranged with a local animal hospital for him to “work” there every morning from 8-10am. This student, who usually failed to arrive at school until about 10am, was nearly always on time for his new job. The people at the animal hospital were great and gave him the opportunity to have contact with the animals as opposed to sweeping the floor. He had a natural affinity for the animals, which they responded to, and the staff often complimented him on how helpful he was. This young man suddenly felt good about something in his life and it was a part of his school program! He received credit for two courses since he spent an equivalent amount of time there. And no homework!

The work placement model included assisting an electrician, working with the maintenance staff at the high school, working at a gas station, and in a music store (this last one actually led to giving some lessons to young children because the teen had his own band and was a reasonably skilled drummer). I know there were a few other placements but those are the ones I can still remember after all these years. For some of the teens we used a placement that has remained popular for decades: tutoring elementary school children. The idea that they could teach was off the charts for these students who saw themselves as stupid and lacking academic skills. While they may have been years behind their peers in most classroom skills, they knew enough to teach young children. More important, as has been proven over and over in many contexts, the ability to make a difference in the lives of others can be a life altering experience. It clearly contributed to a very different self-image for these teens.

Creating this new program not only took the support of key people in the system but it also required arranging transportation from work setting to school (or both, because some of the students came to school in the morning and did their placement after lunch). Fortunately the town had a small bus that we were able to utilize. An unexpected positive fall-out from this new model was that the special education teacher no longer needed an aide since her class was usually smaller. In fact, because of the involvement of the high school tutors, sometimes the teacher had free time to consult with other teachers in the school who still had contact with these students or just to work one-on-one with a student.

After a couple of years we were pleased with the progress we observed. It was a mixed bag, not a miracle “cure.” Some of the students made dramatic gains, others modest ones, and only a few were unable to benefit at all (as I recall these were the teens that had the most significant drug problems). We were excited about continuing but, sadly, the program came to an abrupt end. A new director of special education came in and did not support the program. That’s all it took. I was not allowed to continue consulting and the guidance counselor was required to focus his time elsewhere. The program was eviscerated, which only served to emphasize what we all knew going in: you must have full support of the system or even the best of ideas is doomed to fail.

I have enjoyed recalling this experience after it had slipped from my mind many years ago. While, as Dr. Brooks reports in his article, many innovative programs like this can be found all across the country now, there are still too many places where a strength-based approach is not utilized, especially one that reaches out into the community and finds a place where these beaten down students can fit in successfully. I share these memories with you in the hope that it triggers some readers to try to build such a model in their own school for the next school year. If that happens, I would love to hear from you.

Kids at lockers photo available at Shutterstock

For the most part when you enter a school or a classroom, it really isn’t very different than the ones I went to in the 1940s and 1950s or the ones my parents went to in the 1920s and 1930s. Children are still divided by age groups, sitting in box-like rooms, most still in rows of uncomfortable desks, spending most of their day in a passive process of listening to a teacher, doing a lot of rote work, and struggling with homework. In high school, students still move through a day of many disconnected courses and have minimal connection to their teachers. Dropout rates remain high in urban schools.

The problem is the world in which students and families exist today is dramatically different from when I was young or when my parents were young. In addition, much more is known about how children learn. Yet schools have failed miserably to use this information to create meaningful change in how students are taught and certainly have not made changes to keep in step with changes in family systems or our society or our advances in technology. Nor have they incorporated better ways of preparing students to deal with the world they will face when they leave school.

Thus I was excited to read these articles and am hopeful that maybe some meaningful change is taking root and could slowly spread across the country. This is more likely to happen if parents become informed about these issues and push for change. I hope what follows stirs a few of you to seek meaningful changes in the way your children are educated.

The three topics covered in the articles on my desk are lengthening the school day or year, eliminating middle schools, and the problem with homework. I have written previously about the ills of homework so I suggest rereading one of my articles if you need more insight about this issue or read the wonderful book by Sara Bennett and Nancy Kalish, “The Case against Homework” (to which I was a contributor), which should be required reading for every parent. I was very pleased to read more data and anecdotes supporting the positive effects of the reduced or eliminated homework model in the Wall Street Journal article (1/19/07, section W). I must share just one tidbit. A 2003 study of math and science achievement showed that in three countries that were among the top achievers, Japan, Czech Republic, and Denmark, teachers gave the least amount of homework. In fact, since Japan is often seen as having a superior education system, I must note that many of Japan’s highest-ranked high schools eliminated homework in the mid-1990s!

As for eliminating middle school, most everyone seems to agree this should be done and those who are doing it are reporting very positive results. The main debate is whether schools should be k-8/9-12 or k-6/7-12. The data so far doesn’t support one more than the other. I am strongly in favor of eliminating middle schools. It isolates children at a critical point in their development when they need inclusion, not exclusion. Much of the violence reported in high schools has its roots in the rejection, teasing, and bullying in 7th and 8th grades that generates a deep rage inside those pained children. As for which grade model should be used, I think the debate reflects one of the inherent problems with public education: focusing on finding a one-size-fits-all answer when the best answer is nearly always to have choice. Thus, I would recommend having both options available. Some middle school students will be better off being able to stay children for a couple of more years while others are ready to be part of a more advanced social and academic group.

That leaves the more complex issue of lengthening the school day or the school year which will be the primary focus of this article.

Increasing the Amount of Time Children Spend in School

This is an issue that has been discussed for decades but little has been done about it. American children spend less time in school than most of the rest of comparable countries. Part of the reason lies in the roots of our educational system, which was created to fit around the farming and harvesting schedule of our rural society starting about 400 years ago. But the resistance to substantial change really lies with teacher unions, concerns about costs, and the belief that children need time off to play. There is also the vision of wonderful summer vacations, a reality for only a limited percentage of children in the U.S. and a substantial burden for most of the poor, urban families.

States determine how much time children must spend in school and there are significant disparities within the country. A recent study of this issue reported differences of as much as several weeks of schooling in the 50 largest school districts in the U.S.

Newsweek’s article on this topic (1/22/07 issue, p.12) noted how New York City had added 65 minutes to its school day and, given that the NYC school year is 12 days longer, it adds up to eight more weeks of class time than the city of Chicago, a significant potential advantage for the NYC children. Notice, however, I use the phrase “potential advantage.” Simply more of the same poor educational approach is not going to prove helpful. I strongly believe in a much longer school day and school year. But that requires a very different vision and mission for our schools.

Of course I love the book partly because his central points are the same ones I’ve been writing about for years, only he presents them with more research support, greater detail, and an innovative model, his 5-step cycle. He even uses one of my favorite analogies, parents as gardeners (also as farmers), in a manner similar to my favorite phrase, “be a gardener, not a sculptor.” He also shares my disdain for the epidemic over focus on grades and “best” colleges as well as the harm of too much structured sports and not enough value given to free play.

But my real reason for saying thanks to Dr. H. (notice the similarity!) is that his book pushes readers to think about their own lives and try to understand what may have contributed to their own happiness and success. It turns out Dr. Hallowell and I share more than similar ideas about what really matters to children.

His personal history is a difficult one. His childhood is marked by a father with mental illness who was hospitalized when he was young, a divorce when he was 6, a mother who drank, and an abusive stepfather who also drank. Add in two learning disabilities and he certainly is qualified to ask how he managed to become a happy, successful adult despite such a seemingly problematic childhood. His openness in sharing the challenges in his life, including his insecurities as a parent, is part of what makes this book special.

As I said, we have much in common. Though my history is not as troubled as his, I have always thought of my childhood as an unhappy time. My mother developed a severe mental illness and was hospitalized for part of my high school years. My father struggled to make a living and I felt ashamed of our run-down house and old used cars. We lived in the middle of nowhere far out on Long Island and I spent a lot of time by myself. I went to a school that was seven miles away and not until my junior year of high school did redistricting bring me within two miles of my school. All those years of long bus rides to school left me with virtually no afterschool social life and, during that time, I was always the only Jewish kid in my class, a situation that often resulted in being bullied by the tough boys who were not good students.

I was the classic late bloomer, and I do mean late. Not until my junior year in college did I begin to resemble the more outgoing, outspoken leader-type of person I was to become as an adult. So how did that transformation happen? What gave me the strength and skills to cope with adverse conditions?

Dr. Hallowell centers on the term “connection” as his core thesis for what matters most in life. Here, again, we are in strong agreement. So I searched back into my life to think about what connections made a difference. It starts with my mother. Despite whatever demons she struggled with (and showed remarkable strength by making a significant recovery), I was unquestionably the proverbial apple of her eye. And I knew it. She believed in me and showed an interest in me that was definitely special. Whatever I was doing was important to her. She even took the time to “enjoy” my first Elvis records! She was not a warm, nurturing mother, but we clearly had a very strong bond that continued until the end of her life about ten years ago.

Connection is so important. It gives one a sense of self-value and a core of good feelings that provides a powerful resource when life presents extra-special challenges. Research shows it to be the primary antidote against adolescent risks of drugs and dropping out. It should be at the center of parents’ values and priorities. In the long run it is clearly much more important to a happy and successful life than children’s achievements (or lack of).

As important as it is to understand where our strengths come from, it is also important to understand how our personal history influences the way we parent. My father and I did not have a strong connection; in fact, very little connection. Though I was told stories about how he took me for long walks when I was very young, I do not recall our spending time playing together. When family gathered, the men played cards. Yet I have no recollection of him playing cards with me. He was not athletic. There were no games of catch in the yard and no shooting hoops with the makeshift, crooked, backboard that I had attached to a big oak tree. He never came to my games when I played on teams. I know he was working long hours, but to a young kid, the absence is deeply felt.

Ironically, my father turned out to play a significant role in my life, because I was determined that when I had children I would spend a lot of time playing with them, and I did. Through that experience I got to play all the card games and board games that I never played as a child. So I had a “second childhood.” I have never lost touch with that little boy inside who loved to play. I am still sad that my father died when I was a senior in college. I know that as I matured I would have come to understand him better and we probably would have grown closer. I know he loved me.

Kennedy and Banks are mothers, as well as professionals who previously collaborated on the book The ADHD-Autism Connection, and each has multiple children who are twice exceptional.  “Twice exceptional” is a term that they address in the beginning of their book. They write that it is “a relatively recent term that refers to children who have dual ‘exceptionalities’—that is, exceptional gifts (creative, academic, intellectual, or physical abilities) along with a learning or developmental disability.”

Temple Grandin is perhaps one of the world’s most successful people with autism. She has her PhD in animal science and is both a professor and an author.

As they did with the term “twice exceptional,” the authors begin with a lot of contextual information to help explain the terms, intentions, and needs for writing this book. They go on to implore, as does Temple Grandin in the preface, that changes be made.  These twice exceptional (or 2e, as Kennedy and Banks come to say) children are falling through the cracks because their disabilities are being granted power over their abilities.

The book is organized into three sections. All three are equally important in helping a child with 2e: ‘Who They Are,’ ‘Why They’re Stuck,’ and finally, ‘How to Help Them.’ Since Kennedy and Banks are both mothers, they take care to explain that this is a book meant to help parents in a variety of ways.  This book is not just an offering of support and resources, but it also breaks down the issues of why these children are “stuck” in the first place.

Temple Grandin, as you may have already known from the HBO movie based on her life, has had great success cultivating her abilities despite having autism.  Kennedy and Banks mention that she is a perfect example of being “bright and not broken,” a goal they have for all children, 2e or not.  They believe that the success of each child will greatly help the world because these children can then feel good about what they can contribute, instead of being stuck on what they can’t do.Temple Grandin brings attention to how some children with autism introduce themselves, saying that they tell her their disorder first—showing that they define themselves by their limitations.

The authors give some context to these disorders by explaining that 2e kids today are tomorrow’s “Albert Einstein, John Couch Adams, Thomas Edison, Sir Isaac Newton,” and the list continues.  Many of these classic figures had symptoms that today may have been diagnosed as ADHD or autism. For example, Einstein didn’t speak until he was 3 and Gregor Mendel, who gave us the foundation for modern genetics, couldn’t pass the exam to qualify to teach high school.  Had these men been labeled with a disability, they may never have achieved their greatness, because they may have also defined themselves by limitations.

Kennedy and Banks also break down ways to help teachers and parents identify their child’s gifts.  They explain these disorders in a refocused way by giving supportive and caring definitions that require a deep understanding.  These new definitions were created by combining a parent’s care and understanding and the experienced intelligence of a professional in the field.

As mentioned, all the sections of this book are important for understanding the entire issue at hand, but the section on ‘Why They’re Stuck’ is extremely informative and explains exactly how and why the current system is not doing these children justice.  Particularly, they explain how important it is for parents to know the different debates in standardized testing.  This way, they can avoid falling into the trap of defining their child by these flawed systems of measurement.  I found this section to be the most intriguing because after you read it, it will be nearly impossible for you not to want to change the system.  Kennedy and Banks have certainly done their research, but they also show how to apply it in a practical way, making this book a great help to parents and professionals alike.

Finally, they talk about diagnosing and educating the whole child instead of just labeling one aspect of them.  This new type of diagnosis and education factors in all their needs and gifts, showing how to adapt it to individual children because, after all, we all have individual needs.  Most importantly, Kennedy and Banks keep reminding their readers that 2e children have so much so offer the world and they want to make that happen.  Also, if you want to do more exploration, they end with a long list of helpful additional resources.

Personally, they have convinced me that in an attempt to help people with disabilities, we have hurt them by labeling them.  This label can hurt them because if focuses all the attention on what they cannot do, instead of also exploring what they can do.  This book is truly inspiring and it shows that by simply changing our perception of these children, and then the testing and education that stems from that perception, we can help them become successful, contributing adults.  Perhaps they could even make history.

Bright Not Broken: Gifted Kids, ADHD, and Autism
By Diane M. Kennedy and Rebecca S. Banks
Jossey-Bass: September 13, 2011
Hardcover, 320 pages
$24.95

Knowing how to defend yourself and respect others is especially relevant when it comes to bullying. As Schab said, “Kids who are genuinely confident and sure of themselves don’t need to bully, and, those who are bullied can take better care of themselves.”

Assertiveness works in all situations, giving kids guidelines for navigating everything from the playground to the slumber party, she said. It helps kids have healthy relationships and a solid self-esteem.

But just like adults, kids can have a tough time being assertive. One of the reasons assertiveness is difficult is because kids want to get what they want without the potential for pain, Schab said. “If we think that standing up for ourselves and asking for something directly might result in a ‘no’ for an answer and our egos can’t take that, we do what we think will get us what we want,” she said.

A child who wants to play a game with others but worries that asking nicely won’t work might either wait passively on the sidelines or demand aggressively that she play, too, Schab said.

Examples of Being Assertive

What does assertiveness look like in kids? Take the example of a child who receives a poor grade on a paper, Schab said. A passive child might complain to his or her friends or talk badly about the teacher. An aggressive child might make a rude comment to the teacher or write something offensive on the chalkboard, she said. However, an assertive child requests to speak to the teacher after class, and might say, according to Schab: “I feel confused and upset because I worked really hard on this paper and my grade doesn’t reflect that. Could you explain what I should have done differently, or give me a chance to make corrections?”

In another example, a child is waiting in line for the water fountain and a classmate pushes her out of the line. She responds by going back to her place in line and talking to the person who pushed her, Schab said. She might say calmly and confidently, “I think you wanted to get in line ahead of me, but I was waiting here and was ready to take my drink. You can get in line right after me if you want, but now it’s my turn.”

Schab heard a great story about a boy who’s hearing impaired. His classmates were making fun of his shoes and making mean comments. Rather than running away and feeling bad about himself or yelling and starting a fight, he told them that he really liked his shoes and simply walked away. “This boy had enough confidence in himself to not be bothered by the immaturity of the other kids, and to let them know that in an appropriate manner,” she said.

How to Help Kids be Assertive

Caregivers can model assertive behavior and teach kids directly. Both methods are effective, Schab said. “Parents can model assertiveness when interacting with family members, friends, making business calls, dealing with salespeople, or any person they have contact with during the course of the day.” As Schab said, of course that means that you must have a good grasp of assertiveness yourself. But, again, fortunately, it’s a skill you can learn and master. (Here’s how to be more assertive.)

Teach your kids directly by helping them figure out situations as they come up, she said. If your little girl comes home from school crying because another child teased her on the bus, tell her how to handle the situation assertively, Schab said. If your little boy is being excluded from a game, coach him on how to speak up and stand up for himself, she said.

Also helpful are teaching tools. Schab said that libraries are loaded with assertiveness resources. Her book, for instance, Cool, Calm and Confident offers 40 activities to help kids handle teasing and bullying and build a healthy self-esteem.

Assertive kids usually become assertive adults. “[Assertiveness] fosters insight, wisdom, patience, tolerance, confidence and acceptance,” Schab said. “It is the necessary building block to mature and peaceful relationships between all human beings.”