Types of Boundaries

There are several areas where boundaries apply:

• Material boundaries determine whether you give or lend things, such as your money, car, clothes, books, food, or toothbrush.
• Physical boundaries pertain to your personal space, privacy, and body. Do you give a handshake or a hug – to whom and when? How do you feel about loud music, nudity, and locked doors?
• Mental boundaries apply to your thoughts, values, and opinions. Are you easily suggestible? Do you know what you believe, and can you hold onto your opinions? Can you listen with an open mind to someone else’s opinion without becoming rigid? If you become highly emotional, argumentative, or defensive, you may have weak emotional boundaries.
• Emotional boundaries distinguish separating your emotions and responsibility for them from someone else’s. It’s like an imaginary line or force field that separates you and others. Healthy boundaries prevent you from giving advice, blaming or accepting blame. They protect you from feeling guilty for someone else’s negative feelings or problems and taking others’ comments personally. High reactivity suggests weak emotional boundaries. Healthy emotional boundaries require clear internal boundaries – knowing your feelings and your responsibilities to yourself and others.
• Sexual boundaries protect your comfort level with sexual touch and activity – what, where, when, and with whom.
• Spiritual boundaries relate to your beliefs and experiences in connection with God or a higher power.

Why It’s Hard

It’s hard for codependents to set boundaries because:

1. They put others’ needs and feelings first;
2. They don’t know themselves;
3. They don’t feel they have rights;
4. They believe setting boundaries jeopardizes the relationship; and
5. They never learned to have healthy boundaries.

Boundaries are learned. If yours weren’t valued as a child, you didn’t learn you had them. Any kind of abuse violates personal boundaries, including teasing. For example, my brother ignored my pleas for him to stop tickling me until I could barely breathe. This made me feel powerless and that I didn’t have a right to say “stop” when I was uncomfortable. In recovery, I gained the capacity to tell a masseuse to stop and use less pressure. In some cases, boundary violations affect a child’s ability to mature into an independent, responsible adult.

You Have Rights

You may not believe you have any rights if yours weren’t respected growing up. For example, you have a right to privacy, to say “no,” to be addressed with courtesy and respect, to change your mind or cancel commitments, to ask people you hire to work the way you want, to ask for help, to be left alone, to conserve your energy, and not to answer a question, the phone, or an email.

Think about all the situations where these rights apply. Write how you feel and how you currently handle them. How often do you say “yes” when you’d like to say “no?”

Write want you want to happen. List your personal bill of rights. What prevents you from asserting them? Write statements expressing your bottom line. Be kind. For example, “Please don’t criticize (or call) me (or borrow my . . .),” and “Thank you for thinking of me, but I regret I won’t be joining (or able to help) you . . .”

Internal Boundaries

Internal boundaries involve regulating your relationship with yourself. Think of them as self-discipline and healthy management of time, thoughts, emotions, behavior and impulses. If you’re procrastinating, doing things you neither have to nor want to do, or overdoing and not getting enough rest, recreation, or balanced meals, you may be neglecting internal physical boundaries. Learning to manage negative thoughts and feelings empowers you, as does the ability to follow through on goals and commitments to yourself.

Healthy emotional and mental internal boundaries help you not to assume responsibility for, or obsess about, other people’s feelings and problems – something codependents commonly do. Strong internal boundaries curb suggestibility. You think about yourself, rather than automatically agreeing with others’ criticism or advice. You’re then empowered to set external emotional boundaries if you choose. Similarly, since you’re accountable for your feelings and actions, you don’t blame others. When you’re blamed, if you don’t feel responsible, instead of defending yourself or apologizing, you can say, “I don’t take responsibility for that.”

Guilt and Resentment

Anger often is a signal that action is required. If you feel resentful or victimized and are blaming someone or something, it might mean that you haven’t been setting boundaries. If you feel anxious or guilty about setting boundaries, remember, your relationship suffers when you’re unhappy. Once you get practice setting boundaries, you feel empowered and suffer less anxiety, resentment, and guilt. Generally, you receive more respect from others and your relationships improve.

Setting Effective Boundaries

People often say they set a boundary, but it didn’t help. There’s an art to setting boundaries. If it’s done in anger or by nagging, you won’t be heard. Boundaries are not meant to punish, but are for your well-being and protection. They’re more effective when you’re assertive, calm, firm, and courteous. If that doesn’t work, you may need to communicate consequences to encourage compliance. It’s essential, however, that you never threaten a consequence you’re not fully prepared to carry out.

It takes time, support, and relearning to be able to set effective boundaries. Self-awareness and learning to be assertive are the first steps. Setting boundaries isn’t selfish. It’s self-love – you say “yes” to yourself each time you say “no.” It builds self-esteem. But it usually takes encouragement to make yourself a priority and to persist, especially when you receive pushback. Read more on setting boundaries in Codependency for Dummies and my e-book, How to Speak Your Mind and Set Limits.

It’s amazing how much power an 11-letter word holds. It has the power to release freedom and happiness. It has the power to allow us to move forward without ever having to focus on the past. When we fail to forgive, it has the power to bind us and hold us captive to hurt and pain. It has the power to leave us miserable, unhappy, and trapped in a cycle of anger and unease.

We have all experienced some level of hurt. Whether we were mistreated, left brokenhearted, or lost our faith or trust in someone, we all have felt pain.

How do we move past it? How do we stop reliving the same scenario, the same hurt, the same grief, over and over again? How do we truly let go?

We cannot change the past. We also cannot change people. With this in mind, it is important to remember what forgiveness is really about. Forgiveness is not about erasing the past. The past can never be erased. It isn’t simply forgetting what has happened. Sometimes it’s beneficial to remember the pain so we don’t have to endure it again. It is not about making someone else see their faults or expecting your forgiveness to change their behaviors.

Forgiveness, instead, is about giving you the power to accept the situation for what it is or was, letting go, moving past anger and pain, and moving into a better and healthier place.

To reach a place of forgiveness, the following is necessary:

• We need to look at our role in the situation. It is often really easy to find fault with the other party, and sometimes they really are at fault. However, it is important to look at our role as well. What could we have done differently? Are we partially responsible? If we have some responsibility and we are able to accept that responsibility, it makes it a little easier to consider this next suggestion.
• Have some empathy. Often we make the assumption that we have been wronged intentionally when this is not always the case. We should try to see things from the other person’s perspective. Think about how they may have been feeling or what they may have been thinking. Try to consider not only how they were feeling then, but how they are also feeling now. By having empathy, we are sometimes able to understand, which makes it easier to forgive.
• Remember you have the power and you are in control of yourself. No one can drive your car unless you give them the keys and let them take the wheel. No one has control over our emotions but us. No one has the power to make us dwell on past situations but us. If we are stuck it is because we have made that choice. We can easily make the choice to move forward and forgive.
• We have to make a commitment to move on. If forgiving someone was easy, everyone would do it and we’d live in a world with no past hurts or resentments. Wouldn’t that be nice? Forgiveness isn’t easy and it can’t always be done overnight. Recognize that the amount of hurt, resentment, anger, or pain you feel developed over time. It is likely that it is going to take time to work through those feelings and come to the place where you can truly forgive.
• Let go of the past. The past is over. The only place the past takes place is in your mind. The only person that can keep you in your past is you.
• Wish the ones who hurt you well. We can’t say we truly forgive someone and wish them hurt or harm. Once we make the conscious decision to forgive someone, we have to move on. We may have to love them from a distance and wish them well in our hearts. Forgiving and learning to love those who hurt us in spite of the things they have done is one of the most powerful pieces of all.

Mahatma Gandhi said “the weak can never forgive; forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” Find your inner strength to forgive others and discover the happiness and the freedom you deserve.

So many times we think we know where we’re headed; then we’re taking an unexpected turn.
~ Hopping Roller Coasters

Rachel Pappas’s memoir, Hopping Roller Coasters, details the unpredictable story of a mother and daughter who must cope with their mood disorders, until they can reach a place of mutual understanding that gives way to a stronger relationship with each other. Though I found the content to be emotionally painful at times, I think it’s an insightful read. Pappas provides us with an important takeaway message that revolves around genuine forgiveness and a path for healing.

Rachel’s story highlights her trials with bipolar disorder and how it affected her daughter, Marina. She transports the reader into their private moments, showcasing intimate arguments, where Rachel took out her frustrations on Marina in a raw and angry fashion. She didn’t mean the sentiments that came forth during the heat of an altercation, but biting words circulated between them. Rachel’s therapist ultimately put her on medication to regulate her mood swings.

We then read how Marina went through a period of hard knocks during early childhood and into adolescence; she had trouble focusing at school (she was diagnosed with auditory deficits), and she inherited her mother’s bipolar disorder as well. In desperate need of help, Marina endured a period of hospitalization and even moved away to live with her grandparents, hoping for a finer environment.

During Marina’s stay at her grandparents’, at 13 years old, she was hospitalized for getting hold of her grandfather’s painkillers. After a stretch of time, Rachel received a phone call from her mom, relaying the news that they couldn’t keep their granddaughter with them any longer. As difficult as it was to hear, she knew her daughter needed something more.

Marina also unfortunately struggled with cutting as a way to deal with her emotional turmoil. One of the more heartbreaking lines I read was when Marina explained why she did what she did. “It hurts on the inside, so I figured I might as well hurt on the outside,” she told her mother.

Fast forward a few years later: Marina was 16, and she and Rachel were at it again. Hurtful remarks and threats flooded their fights. “Where was my little girl? The one with the pixie cut who let me hold her hand crossing the street?” Rachel wrote. “My good-natured ‘pipster’ who accepted my excessive hugs and kisses into early puberty. I was losing her. No, I had lost her.”

What really struck a chord (even though I’m only in my 20s) was looking at this situation from the mother’s perspective. I could only imagine a parent’s sense of loss, among other things, when you’re watching your child transition away from childhood and into young adulthood. Now throw in that kind of strife, and it takes that particular awareness to a different level.

After another hospitalization at 18 years old, Marina went back on her medication and was finding her stride with a new job. She also began her first serious romantic relationship (which was definitely enjoyable to read about), and facets of her life were beginning to fall into place after a rocky decade.

In the final chapters, Rachel faced additional obstacles, but through it all, she found a new outlook regarding her relationship with Marina; she realized she didn’t want any friction in the connections that she valued.

By some twist of fate, Rachel’s personal challenges mended her history with her daughter and paved the road for forgiveness in both directions. They both knew that they unintentionally caused the other pain in the past, but they were able to move forward, become unstuck and salvage what really mattered. For that, I recommend this narrative.

You think you are being verbally abused by your partner. In fact, you suspect that you are in an impossible situation, living with a partner who doesn’t honor you, wants to change you, or at least wants always to be in charge at your expense.

It’s hard to admit it. It’s terrible to give up the image you once had of your guy as a loving, strong, smart and caring mate. But it’s been a long time since you saw him that way. Instead, you find yourself always braced for the next verbal assault; the next incident where you are found lacking in some way or to blame for things being the way they are. You feel ashamed and sad and angry but stuck. It’s hard to believe it. You don’t understand what happened. You even sometimes think it is all your fault.

Why do women stay with men who put them down? The reasons are varied and complicated.

It’s not uncommon for partners to be completely taken by surprise. Often, people who abuse do nothing of the sort while dating. If the person in pursuit makes any negative comment, it is quickly explained away. There are apologies and promises. He may even cry. Once married, the situation turns. Now that he has her, he doesn’t feel the need to keep himself in check. Afraid that she will in any way have the upper hand in any discussion, he begins a campaign to keep her off balance. The wife is mystified. She wonders what she did wrong. Where did the fun guy she married go? He tells her it’s all her fault. If he is artful about it, she wonders if he is right and works overtime to fix it – not understanding that he doesn’t have any intention of fixing it.

Other women think they can see the insecurity inside the person who is always asserting control. She tries to help him. She agrees with him that life has been unfair to him. She sides with him against the world, not understanding that in his eyes the world includes her. When he turns on her, she tries to be understanding and to explain the situation to him. Once in a while, he even accepts her help, which gives her the false impression that things are changing. What she doesn’t understand is that his insecurity is bigger than his love for her. It is bigger than rational thought. It is bigger than his desire to have a mutual, equal partnership.

Still other partners think the problem is one of communication. Couples therapists and counselors will tell you that the most frequent presenting problem is “we can’t communicate.” Often enough, what that means is that one of the partners doesn’t really want to communicate if communication means sharing decision-making and power. From his point of view, she stubbornly won’t understand when he is being perfectly clear that he’s the one in charge. She is sure that the therapist will help him recognize that he needs to hear another point of view. After all, he is a rational person, right? She thinks he wants the relationship to succeed as much as she does. She doesn’t get it that a need for control isn’t rational and, yes, he wants the relationship to succeed, but only on his terms.

Other women are too scared, insecure, embarrassed, or dependent to leave. Her confidence is shot. Over time, she’s been worn down and worn out. She may have given up trying to have friends since he always objects to her spending any time with them. She may have lost any say about the finances, even if she is making the bulk of the money. She is so convinced of her own powerlessness, she doesn’t think she can make it on her own or that she can find a better match. Feeling unlovable, worthless and helpless, she sinks into a low-grade, or not so low-grade, depression that keeps her stuck.

What to Do if You Are Being Verbally Abused

After soul-searching, you admit it. You are in a relationship that is making you feel bad about yourself. You don’t want to give up on it but you also can’t stand the idea of spending the rest of your life fearing that you’ll be torn down whenever you begin to feel good about yourself or whenever your opinion differs from that of your spouse. You know it isn’t good for you. Just as important, you know that it isn’t good for your kids to grow up believing this is the way people who love each other treat each other.

7 Reasonable Responses to Unreasonable Verbal Abuse

1. Give up on the idea of trying to change him. You can’t. There are important but mistaken reasons why he is the way he is. It may be grounded in his own upbringing, his insecurities or in a narcissistic personality disorder. You can’t do his therapeutic work for him. But – if he wants to change himself, there’s hope. Unless he has a history of being violent, you could ask him to get into some therapy before your relationship is beyond retrieval.
2. Never match his verbal abuse with that of your own. It won’t teach him a thing. It will only confirm in his mind that you are the irrational one. Instead, take the high road. Calmly tell him that you are sorry he feels that way about you but that you don’t share his opinion. Tell him that you love him too much to put him down.
3. Set limits. If your partner calls you names, treats you with disrespect and sarcasm, or loses it when you act only like the equal person you are, calmly tell him you expect to be treated the way he would treat someone he values, admires and respects. If he keeps it up, tell him that you will leave the conversation if he doesn’t stop. If he doesn’t stop, calmly leave the room, telling him you are giving him space to think about his behavior; you’ll be back in an hour or so. (Caution: Don’t do this if he is likely to escalate. See No. 7.)
4. People who need to control their partners often try to prevent them from having a life separate from the couple. You can’t leave if you have nowhere to go. Maintain your own support system. Make sure you spend time with your friends and stay in touch with family members you love. Friends can remind you that you are a valuable person when you start to feel like your partner is right that you aren’t.
5. If you think things won’t improve or will only get worse, start a savings account for yourself. Put enough money away that you always feel it is a choice whether or not you stay. Have at least enough for a bus ticket to your family or a friend’s. Better yet, save enough to pay rent for a few months so you never have to feel trapped.
6. Get counseling if you think your relationship is salvageable. If you’ve tried your best but you and your partner haven’t been able to forge a loving, mutually supportive relationship, find a couples therapist to help you. If your partner won’t go because of his pride, stubbornness, or his conviction that you are the only one who needs “fixing,” go yourself. You need the support. Your counselor may be able to help you identify ways to make counseling a little less threatening to your partner so he might join you.
7. If your partner has escalated from verbal to physical violence – leave. There are domestic abuse programs in almost every city in the U.S. Counselors there can help you figure out where to go and what to do. If you are in a rural area of the U.S. or in a country without such help, go online. Make sure you use a computer your partner can’t use. Some people become violent when they see that their partners have tried to reach out for some help. In the U.S., you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. For more information about their services, click on thehotline.org

Verbal abuse takes many forms: from loud rants to quiet comments; from obvious put-downs to not-so-obvious remarks that undermine the partner. What all the methods have in common is the need to control, to be superior, to avoid taking personal responsibility, and to mask or deny failures.

The myth in Hank’s and Mary’s relationship is that he is much, much smarter than she is. She does admire him, but not as much as he admires himself. He trumps anything she says with a stronger, maybe louder opinion. He calls her ideas naïve or ill-informed or even idiotic. Mary thinks he may be right. Since marrying Hank 3 years ago, her self-confidence has plummeted.

Jake, on the other hand, hides his need for control in his relationship with Marilyn under sarcasm, jokes and puns. “Why,” he says, “doesn’t Marilyn understand I’m just joking?” Why? Because she is the object of those sarcastic remarks, “jokes” and puns. He both publicly and privately keeps her off-balance by joking about her insights, her goals, and the things she cares most about. She has come to question her judgment about her ideas and about him. Lots of people think he’s funny. Maybe, she thinks, he doesn’t mean it. Maybe, she tells herself, she needs to have a better sense of humor.

Frank can’t stand to be seen as responsible for any failure. When he makes a mistake, his mantra is “I may be wrong but you are wrong-er.” If his wife says he has hurt her feelings, he claims not to remember having said what he said or having done what he did. He tells her she is “too sensitive.” He whines about being a scapegoat for other people’s problems. He doesn’t seem to get that he is the perpetrator, not the victim.

Al isn’t subtle. His wife and kids never know what to expect when he comes home. Will loving, caring Al be at the door with treats for the kids and something nice for his wife? Or will the Al who flies into rages, who threatens them with physical abuse and swears and calls them names show up? The whole household walks on eggshells. Even when loving-Al is around, things can change in an instant if he is the least bit frustrated. Last week when his 5-year-old spilled milk at the dinner table, he yelled at her for an hour. When his wife tried to intervene, he backhanded her. Everyone got real quiet. Then – the storm blew over and Al left for the rest of the evening.

If you recognize yourself in any of the above scenarios, you are being verbally abused. Make no mistake: Although verbal abuse doesn’t leave visible scars, it does do damage. The victims’ self-esteem is eroded. Children who watch one parent being put down and diminished by the other develop a skewed and sad view of how relationships are supposed to be.

6 Signs You Are Being Verbally Abused

1. Like Mary, you feel you just can’t win. No matter how carefully or kindly you try to work out a problem, your partner says things that make you feel like you’re in the wrong.
2. Your self-esteem and self-confidence are shot. Your partner isn’t your greatest fan but your greatest critic. He often tells you that his comments are “for your own good.”
3. When you say he has hurt your feelings your partner, like Frank in the scene above, tells you that you are too sensitive. When you point out that he has said something inappropriate or hurtful, he accuses you of trying to make him look bad. You notice that he rarely takes responsibility for his part of a problem. Somehow he manages to convince himself and even you that anything that goes wrong is your fault.
4. You often are the brunt of jokes that make you feel bad. The guy who is fun and fun-loving outside the family unleashes a more vicious or undermining humor inside. Other people don’t believe you that the guy they know is so different from what you experience. Like Marilyn, you find yourself constantly questioning yourself.
5. You have to walk on eggshells at home. Your home isn’t a sanctuary for you and your kids. It is the place where you are most afraid and embarrassed. You and the kids stay away as much as you can. When you are there with your partner, you all do everything you can to make sure nothing happens that could set him off.
6. If you’re not very careful, the verbal abuse escalates to physical altercations. Even if you are very careful, what starts with words can end up with physical aggression toward you or destroying things, especially things you value.

Whoever made up that rhyme about “sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me” was just plain wrong! Words do hurt. They can break a person on the inside just as surely as a whack with a stick bruises the outside. People who are subjected to verbal abuse suffer. People who are subjected to it over time can get so used to it that they lose their sense of themselves as people worth loving. If you see yourself in any of these stories, know you are not alone. There are things you can do. Part II of this article will discuss them.

When my son Dan was dealing with severe OCD, I had no trouble seeing the disorder as something separate from him. It is something he has, not something he is. I even went so far as to call it “The Enemy.”

Over the course of two years, there were some fierce battles between Dan and “The Enemy.” I saw my son in the depths of despair, and often wondered if he would survive this war he was fighting. While it is unusual for me to use the word hate, I readily admitted to hating “The Enemy.” How could I not? It was destroying Dan’s life.

But being hateful doesn’t come naturally to me. And to tell the truth, even though I said I hated OCD, I’m not sure hate is the right word. Fear, maybe? I’m not sure; I haven’t found the words that feel completely right to me. I mean, my son has OCD. Surely, I don’t hate my son or any aspect of his being. Maybe I should rethink how I truly feel about obsessive-compulsive disorder?

And what about OCD sufferers themselves? Do they hate their OCD? Is it healthy to feel that this disorder is the enemy that needs to be defeated? Or is it better to be able to accept OCD for what it is, while still seeking out the best ways to manage it? I guess my question is, “Is hate really the way to go?”

For me, and I’m guessing for most people, hate takes a lot of time and energy — time and energy that can be much better spent working toward living the life you want. Though OCD may wax and wane, it is usually a chronic condition. Is it in the OCD sufferer’s best interests to spend his or her life hating something that might always be hanging around? The answer may not be the same for everyone, but most OCD sufferers I’ve connected with feel that acceptance, not hate, is crucial to recovery.

And what about those of us who have a loved one with the disorder? For me, it’s a lot easier to look at “The Enemy” more objectively now that the battlefield has quieted down. I wish I had been able to step back sooner and see OCD for what it really is, instead of becoming entangled in the war. Perhaps the time and energy I spent hating “The Enemy” could have been better used learning as much as I could about OCD, including the best ways to help Dan.

In reconsidering my, and Dan’s, relationship with OCD, I am thankful to be at the point where I am able to let go of the hate and fear, or whatever that strong emotion is I’ve had for so long. I now see Dan’s OCD as more of an obnoxious, unwanted guest than an enemy. You know, the kind of person who has the power to ruin your good time if you let him. Dan knows it’s best not to attach any credibility to what this unwanted visitor has to say.

He may hear him in the background, but beyond that, he needs to ignore what this guest is saying or demanding of him. How else will Dan enjoy the party? And if this unwanted guest gets too rowdy, Dan now has the tools to deal with him effectively. My son is in charge, and I believe that is the most important thing. If he has to, he can throw this obnoxious, unwanted guest out of the party.

Drew, 19, and Steve, 20, were close brothers raised in a volatile family. When Drew started getting into trouble in college, their mom arranged for the brothers to live together in an apartment, hoping that Steve could watch out for Drew. This solution backfired; the boys acted out family-related power plays. Physical confrontation escalated along with family-related conflict and hostility. At this point, the mom sought help.

Mom and Dad’s Perspective

Kate was an immigrant from Italy who, more than anything, wanted a better life for her children. She worked tirelessly to earn money for their education.

Consistent with the old-school style of authoritarian parenting with which she was raised, Kate demanded devotion and obedience. She was very involved with her sons and, though caring, she was also high-strung, anxious and unrelenting when they didn’t perform – yelling, threatening and lecturing – reminding them of her very real sacrifice and suffering on their behalf.

Drew perpetually disappointed and upset Kate. He failed to live up to her expectations and often lied to appease her. She worried about his ability to be independent, responsible, and protect himself. Steve, on the other hand, was seen as the ideal son: high-achieving, responsible, and aggressive. She constantly compared the two of them.

Both Kate and Don, the boys’ father, had frequent, explosive outbursts and acknowledged that, at times, they were physically abusive to their boys. Don had a short temper and unpleasant disposition, often angry, entitled and humiliating toward Kate and Drew. He was only minimally involved with the boys and didn’t attend therapy.

Brothers: Steve and Drew

With family, Drew typically was argumentative and defiant, defensively reacting to criticism and attacks for failing to measure up. Otherwise, Drew was friendly, good-natured and sensitive. He had a palpable longing to be loved, and a chameleon quality designed to get it. Drew’s sense of worth was tied up in how he appeared, always needing others’ approval, and often feeling insecure, anxious and bad about himself.

Drew had come out as gay in high school. In college, he tried to emotionally break away from his mom and flaunt his separate identity. Seeking admiration and celebrity, he began to dress in a flamboyant and revealing style, posing online in sexually provocative photos, and behaving in ways that put him at risk to be victimized, which he was.

In college, Drew became involved in mutually obsessive relationships in which he was dominated and controlled. In these relationships, he was unable to hold his own or break away, leading to the downward spiraling of his grades, family relationships, and friends.

Growing up, Steve acted as man of the house, protecting Drew and their mom from their dad, who picked on Drew. Steve also actively defended his brother from bullies at school.

Steve proudly considered himself “the alpha male,” coming across as loud, aggressive, and stilted as if lecturing. He had an intensity, dominance and perseverance reminiscent of his mom.

Steve behaved in a paternalistic and arrogant way toward his brother, acting as co-parent and agent of their mom. As they got older, this dominance and loyalty to their mom led to increasing fights between the two willful brothers.

Power Plays between Brothers

This cycle intensified after they moved in together, escalating into physical brawls, as Drew felt ganged up on and put down. Seeing himself as in charge, Steve used his authority and physical strength to try to force Drew to behave as he deemed appropriate, including around the house. Drew rebelled and fought back. Though weaker and less physically powerful than his brother, Drew wouldn’t back down, but inwardly became increasingly panicked.

Therapy initially involved Drew and his mom, but evolved into sessions with the brothers alone.

Psychologically Speaking

Children internalize blueprints from the family. Experiences in the family become imprinted in the brain, serving as templates for future relationships. In this family, aggression and threats were used to force obedience. The mom also used emotional force in the form of guilt and shaming.

Drew and Steve learned that the only roles available in relationships were perpetrator and victim, dominance and submission. In this dynamic, power is abused, and force is used to control other people in order to manage one’s own anxiety and helplessness.

Both boys internalized this blueprint. They submitted and accommodated to what was expected in an instinctive effort to keep their mom from getting upset. Doing so also protected themselves from physical and psychological threat.

It’s both a silly and sad idea that siblings are born to be rivals. The conventional wisdom seems to be that older kids resent the intrusion of the younger ones and that younger sibs resent the privileges of the older ones. Well, yes. There is an element of that. Most kids at some time or another accuse their parents of loving the other kid best, usually when they are usiing guilt to get something they want. But most of the time such feelings and behavior are short-lived. The sense of family loyalty and love overrides whatever differences spurred an argument.

It’s a mistake to assign the negative label of “rivalry” to what may be simply a matter of learning how to get along. Conflict is inevitable in human relationships. No matter how much we love and care for another person, there will be times when we don’t agree, when we both want the same cookie, when we can’t quite believe that the other person holds some idea or value or goal that makes no sense to us. Children in a family are no different from adults in that respect.

What is different is that children in a family usually can’t get away from each other to take a break when they are angry or hurt. Unable to get in the car for a drive to cool off or to call or visit a friend for sympathy or to just find another cookie, or toy, or TV show, young kids are trapped in the same house, dealing with the very person who got in their way or angered them. Lacking the skills to manage their own emotions or to negotiate differences, they do what all immature people do – they yelp. Give them a while and they usually settle down. If they want someone to play with, they figure it out. In the process, they learn something about how to cooperate, how to share, and how generally to get along. Knocking heads is not only a normal part of growing up, it’s an important forum for learning how to negotiate human relationships.

Sibling rivalry is different. When kids become rivals, jealousy and resentment underlie the whole relationship. Every disagreement fuels the larger issue. Kids who are rivals find it hard to like one another. It’s as if there isn’t room in the family for both of them.

What transforms normal tussles among kids into rivalry? Usually it comes down to one of these three factors:

There really isn’t enough love to go around.

Some kids are born to adults who really can’t manage the multiple demands of multiple kids. Other parents take a dislike to a child who isn’t what they expected, who looks like someone in the family they don’t like, or who was the result of an unintended pregnancy. Kids who know in their pores that they aren’t loved or are being actively or quietly rejected will vie for whatever attention they can get – often at the expense of the kid or kids they think do get whatever love and care the parent can offer.

Fighting pays off in terms of adult attention.

In some families, fighting gets adult attention more reliably and more fully than getting along. If the children aren’t getting enough positive attention from their folks, they will settle for negative attention. Even being punished and scolded is better than no attention at all. Parents can quite inadvertently provide a payoff for fights. Yelling at the kids for fighting, trying to sort out who started it, punishing the kid who appears to be the aggressor or sympathizing with the one who appears to be the victim are all examples of the kind of negative reinforcement that can in fact keep the fights going.

An adult supports it.

In some families, the kids become stand-ins for adults who are fighting. Each adult chooses a “champion.” Dad smirks when his son takes on his daughter. Mom eggs on her daughter when she argues with her brother. The kids’ argument may start over something fairly minor, such as who has to feed the dog, but it escalates because the parents are taking sides to make a point with each other.

Incidentally: The kids’ genders don’t have to match up with the parents’. Often adults take the side of the kid most like themselves. Dad may choose his daughter to do his fighting. Mom may root for her son. In a family where the kids are the same gender, each parent will side with the child (or children) they favor. When their chosen child “wins,” they feel like they’ve scored a point. Sadly, everyone loses the togetherness and warmth of a loving family in the process.

Regardless of the reason, it’s sad when parents can’t let siblings be friends. Their kids don’t learn that they don’t have to be alike to like each other. These children don’t develop the skills that come with having to negotiate or the sensitivities that come from going too far, apologizing and giving each other another chance. They don’t understand that they don’t have to agree with each other all the time in order to get along or that there is room for bickering even among the best of friends.

Growing up feeling loyal to each other is so much better. Kids who are friends with their sibs know there will always be someone in their corner. When kids can count on their brothers and sisters to watch their backs, to be there for them in tough times, and to invite them in on fun times, they feel more secure in the world.

Our job as parents is to give our children the gift of each other’s love and support. We do that by giving them all the love and attention they need and deserve, by role-modeling healthy ways to resolve differences, and by not involving them in any negativity between ourselves and their other parent. Kids who are taught to get along with the other people they live with through their growing years are well-prepared to have healthy relationships and families of their own someday.

It’s true. Research shows that half of all couples will experience infidelity in their relationship. Reasons for affairs are many and complicated and outside the full scope of this article. But there are many common factors that can contribute to affairs, and many ways to recover your relationship after an affair. (For poly or open couples, consider an affair to be the bringing in of a third party without mutual consent.)

What Creates Fertile Grounds for Affairs?

Just like a garden, relationships need to be nurtured and tended. All too often, the garden of our relationship is left unattended; weeds grow and plants die due to lack of water and sun (i.e., care and attention). It is all too easy, especially in child-centered families, for partners to focus on the practicalities of child care to the exclusion of their relationship.

Parents be warned: The seeds for a future affair can all too easily be sown in the early stages of starting a family. Neglecting your partner and your relationship for the sake of the children does not create a happy family. It creates emotional instability, especially if you or your partner start looking to fulfill your emotional needs outside the relationship. Make sure to devote some time to your relationship, too. Your children will be happier and more secure if they see parents who have a strong, loving bond, even if this means the kids don’t always get to come first.

It is also easy, especially in long-term relationships, for couples with or without children to start taking each other for granted or fall into the rut of routine. While there is comfort in structure and predictability, you don’t want to let your relationship become stagnant. Affairs are often a misguided way to seek excitement and aliveness. Unfortunately, having an affair will take you away from your primary relationship rather than toward it. In effect, you are starting a new garden somewhere else and leaving your current garden to wither in the dark. Make the effort occasionally to do something fun and different together. Why? It creates intimacy and brings growth and vitality to your relationship. As with gardening, you want to add fertilizer and occasionally turn the soil so that your plants and flowers will flourish.

Still, you could follow all the above suggestions and tend the garden of your relationship with much care and love, only to encounter the threat of an affair springing up like weeds. As Shirley Glass warns: “A happy marriage is not a vaccine against infidelity.”

To really vaccinate your relationship against affairs, Glass recommends the following guidelines. While some might find them too restrictive—and, as one lesbian couple complained, “too hetero” and another poly couple pointed out, “way too monogamous”—it is worth having them as a reference point. In the guidelines below, poly couples may want to replace the word marriage with primary relationship, but be warned: this list is definitely pro-monogamy.

7 Tips for Preventing Infidelity

1. Maintain appropriate walls and windows. Keep the windows opened at home. Put up privacy walls with those who could threaten your marriage.
2. Recognize that work can be a danger zone. Don’t lunch or take private coffee breaks with the same person all the time. When you travel with a coworker, meet in public rooms, not a room with a bed.
3. Avoid emotional intimacy with attractive alternatives to your committed relationship. Resist the desire to rescue an unhappy soul who pours his or her heart out to you.
4. Protect your marriage by discussing relationship issues at home. If you do need to talk to someone else about your marriage, be sure that person is a friend of your marriage. If the friend disparages marriage, respond with something positive about your own relationship.
5. Keep old flames from reigniting. If a former lover is coming to a class reunion, invite your partner to come along. If you value your marriage, think twice about having lunch alone with an old flame. (This may be unrealistic in the lesbian community, as exes are so often part of one’s community and even friendship circle.)
6. Don’t go over the line when online with Internet friends. Discuss your online friendships with your partner and show him or her your e-mail if he or she is interested. Invite your partner to join in correspondence so your Internet friends won’t get any wrong ideas. Don’t exchange sexual fantasies online.
7. Make sure your social network is supportive of your marriage. Surround yourself with friends who are happily married and who don’t believe in fooling around.

Let’s look at the worst-case scenario. You or your partner has an affair. How can you help your relationship recover?

Whoever made up that rhyme is just plain wrong. Consider these comments from letters to Psych Central’s “Ask the Therapist” column:

• “My folks just tell me that I’m fat and stupid. They’re always telling me I’m no good.” –14-year-old girl
• “No matter what I do, my parents criticize me. I get good grades. I help out at home. My girlfriend is polite to them. But I can never do things enough right for them.” –17-year-old boy
• “Both my parents yell at me all the time. I try to stand up for myself but it only makes it worse. They say they wish I’d never been born.” – 11-year-old girl
• “I think my mom is depressed. She stays in bed all the time. She expects me to clean house, cook dinner every night, take care of my little sister, and bring her whatever she wants. She’s not a bit grateful. Actually, she complains about me to my grandmother and to my dad. Then they yell at me too. I don’t think I can take it much longer.” – 16-year-old boy

The anguish and bewilderment in these kids’ voices is heartbreaking. Some of the letters are laced with anger. Most are testaments to the pain of feeling unloved by the very people who the whole world tells you should love you — your parents and extended family.

The teens who write are essentially good kids who are doing all they can to do okay in school and contribute at home. They try to please their folks. They often do far more in the way of housework and child care than is reasonable to expect. All they want is for their folks to love them but all indications are they don’t. These kids want an explanation. They want to make it right. They wish and hope and dream that there is something they can do to make it different.

Sadly, there’s probably not a thing they can do to make loving parents out of angry and inadequate adults. Their parents are too caught up in their personal pain or too unloved themselves to comfort and nurture their kids.

If you relate to the kids in the beginning of this article, know that you are not alone. It’s not fair that you need to take charge of your own life so young. But constantly thinking about the unfairness will only keep you stuck and hurting. A better use of the energy that is born of anger and disappointment is to use it to fuel efforts to move on. The teen years do not last forever and there is much you can do to set yourself up for a happier present and more promising future.

Don’t add self-abuse to your parents’ abuse.

Cutting, isolating, failing in everything you do, abusing drugs and alcohol and attempting suicide may seem like reasonable responses to pain. But none of these tactics are likely to make you feel better or impress unloving parents. Although hurting yourself may provide a temporary distraction or relief, it won’t make your life better. Not loving yourself won’t help you find love.

Take it seriously but not personally.

It’s really hard not to take things personally when you’re the person being attacked. But when parents don’t love their kids, it’s usually not about the kids. Usually the parents have mental health issues of their own. Sometimes there is a family secret around the child’s birth (like a rape or grandparents’ disapproval) and the child gets scapegoated. Sometimes parents got so little nurturing themselves as children they haven’t a clue how to be good parents.

Whatever the case, it’s important that you refuse to accept your parents’ opinions. They are not an accurate assessment of your worth, lovability, intelligence, appearance, or potential. They are a reflection of your parents’ inadequacy.

Drop your end of the tug of war.

When parents are inadequate, yelling, arguing, debating, and defending yourself go nowhere. It only frustrates you and makes your parents more angry. In some cases, it fans the flames to the point where the parent gets violent. Give it up. You’re not going to change who they are or how they treat you. You don’t need to hear whatever they say when you get into a fight with them.

Develop a life outside of your home.

When home isn’t a place you want to go home to, it’s essential to find other places where you feel safe, supported, and seen for who you are. Join up with an organization, team or cause or get an evening and weekend job where you can hang out, where you can make a contribution, and where you can find friends and adult mentors who appreciate you. The best antidote for feeling bad about yourself at home is to feel very good about yourself in the larger world.

Be open to other older people who are ready to love you.

Some people aren’t born to the right family. They have to make one. When an older relative, a teacher, a friend’s parents, or a coach offer to mentor you, follow up. Invest some time in getting to know them. These people can give you some of the wisdom and support your own parents can’t give you. Some of these relationships can evolve into lifelong friendships.

Prepare for independence.

It may not be fair, but it’s important to be real. Unloving parents aren’t going to prepare you for independence. They’re just going to be glad when you move out. It falls on you to learn the skills you need to know to survive out there on your own. Make a list of what you need to know how to do, from doing your own laundry to managing money, and set out to learn how to do it. Get a job and start putting money away so you can rent a place of your own the day you graduate from high school. Get good grades and ask your school counselor to help you identify scholarships so you can go away to college.

Report.

If your parents move beyond criticism and belittling words to physical or sexual abuse, report to the local authorities and get yourself out of there. Talk to your school counselor or your doctor or the local children’s services department. Yes, it’s hard to give up on your family. But it can take years to recover from chronic abuse. You deserve better — even if your parents don’t think you do.

She’d say her eyes were “broken faucets.” She’d cry often, and would easily get irritated and explode at her children and husband. She had gained weight in the past year. She snacked all day and would finish a bag of chips in minutes without even noticing. She had difficulty concentrating, felt muscle tension, and above all, she was feeling like the “worst mother in the world.” One day she reported she just wanted to “escape her world.”

She was not suicidal but just wanted a break. She didn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel any time soon. Sometimes she would say things like “I feel my heart being crushed. I am a bad person. I am exhausted and ready to quit. Things haven’t gone my way.”

Why was Mary so depressed?

She had a supportive husband and three children. Her husband had a good job and she had not worked outside of the home since she got married. Everyone in her family was in good health – except her. Her adolescent son was making choices she didn’t like. His latest choices were against the family’s religious values and beliefs. It pained her to see her “baby” go against what she taught him for seventeen years! She felt like a failure.

Mary was attributing her son’s misbehavior to herself. Intellectually, she agreed her son had a choice. After all, she had taught him about freedom and power to choose. But her guilt kept nagging within her: “It didn’t do me any good to stay home. Maybe if I had worked outside of the home he would not be so spoiled. I should have been stricter. I should have spent more time with him. I should have home-schooled him.”

There were a lot of regrets, tears, and grief. Her handsome, well-groomed, intelligent, and healthy-looking son was becoming a memory. Things were turning out differently than expected. Her pain was intolerable and she tried to hide it. Arguments, yelling, and silence were only increasing the emotional gap between mother and son.

She was focusing on the half-empty glass.

She rehearsed in her mind all that “she should have done, should not have done, and could’ve done.” Mary was focusing on the half-empty glass. She could not forgive herself. Her thoughts were getting her deeper and deeper into a black hole. At night she would go over things she had said or may have done in the past that “could’ve caused” her son to take a different path than what she had anticipated for him.

She found herself in my office at her husband’s request. She actually didn’t believe she needed help. She believed she was a strong woman and could handle any trial. “After all, isn’t that what life is about? We need to endure our trials, don’t we?” she’d say. I agreed with her, but reminded her enduring to the end doesn’t mean we have to suffer in guilt and pain the rest of our lives. She was experiencing many errors in her thinking.

Mary’s story represents stories from other women I have seen and counseled in my office. Many of them are experiencing emotional pain, difficulty sleeping, concentration problems, anger, regret, guilt, shame, anxiety, fear, loneliness, discouragement, and more.

The good news is that there is hope, People who suffer from depression and anxiety disorders can learn the skills to overcome their challenges.

Mary learned what was going on in her body and determined she needed to see her physician for medication. She made a plan to improve her physical condition by eating healthier and exercising. She learned relaxation skills such as progressive muscle relaxation techniques, visual imagery, and simple mindfulness exercises. Her sleeping habits also needed some readjustment.

She had forgotten to take care of herself and find joy. She took small steps to attain goals to develop new hobbies. She resumed activities she had abandoned. She had previously believed that she should focus all her time and attention to help her son figure things out. She realized her son needed to do most of the work. She finally recognized how her thinking errors and self-defeating beliefs had affected her emotions negatively. She identified the source of her negative core beliefs. She was able to change them by working diligently outside the weekly sessions. She learned a series of writing exercises and became an avid writer; that contributed to her healing also.

If you can relate to Mary’s feelings, remember there are answers — there always are. Talk to a loved one you can trust. He or she can help you find the right therapist for you. It is possible to have joy despite the trials and challenges of life.

We can all think of instances where friends, colleagues, family members, and other individuals we come into contact with have been forced to manage the ending of a romantic relationship. Many of us have experienced this firsthand as well. For many, the ending of a romantic relationship can be viewed as a true test of resilience.

How our Thinking can Influence Recovery

I have helped several of my clients through rocky areas in their relationships. Breakups, however, typically are the most difficult relationship issues. Many of my clients say: “What am I supposed to do now? I need this person in my life. I can’t live without them!” Statements such as these paint a picture of exactly how powerful romantic connections can be, as well as how dependent we can become on them. This dependence can cause a loss of personal identity in one or both of the members of the couple and cause post-breakup life to feel foreign. Such statements also can lead to people becoming depressed.

Our thoughts cause our feelings and behaviors. Thinking precedes everything we do and feel. Consider a terrorist act: When a nation is subjected to a terror group’s attacks, common reactions include fear, disgust, anger, and confusion. However, the attackers might react with feelings of pride, happiness, and celebration due to viewing their mission as accomplished. This shows how many ways there are to think, and ultimately feel, about a given situation.

When people hold irrational beliefs about a breakup, those irrational thoughts can cause depression.

Irrational Beliefs about Breakups and Rational Replacement Thoughts to Practice

We can develop the skills that help us to feel the way we want to feel about any situation (Pucci, 2010). Our thinking will dictate how we feel about, and ultimately cope with, a breakup, as well as any other occurrences in our lives. Irrational thoughts and beliefs that cause us to feel hopeless or depressed about our breakup can be replaced with more rational ones. This will make the ending of a relationship feel much more bearable.

Irrational Thought: “I can’t live without this person. I need them in my life!”

Rational Replacement Thought: “I can live without this person. There are definitely things I need in order to live, like air, food, and water. I do not need this person to stay alive. Sure, I miss them, but my life will not end if they are not in it, and I do not need them.”

Irrational Thought: “My life has no meaning without my partner.”

Rational Replacement Thought: “My relationship was merely one meaningful aspect of my life. There are many ways for my life to have meaning, and my relationship is not the only way to achieve that meaning. My work, my family, my friends, and ___________ all bring meaning to my life.”

Irrational Thought: “I am no longer me without my partner.”

Rational Replacement Thought: “I have always been myself. Nothing can change that I am me, just like I cannot change who others are. It is possible that I may have simply lost sight of some of my interests outside of my relationship, but these can be regained.”

Irrational Thought: “I can’t weather the ending of my relationship. I would rather die. There is nothing to live for anymore.”

Rational Replacement Thought: “It isn’t a matter of wanting to die. It is a matter of wanting my partner back. I can and will survive this. There are plenty of things to live for. For example, I have my friends, my family, my pet, my meaningful job, etc. I have merely experienced a sudden life change, and I have all of these other things to live for. I refuse to let one negative life experience cancel out all of the other good that I have in my life.”

Irrational Thought: “There must be something wrong with me if my partner left me.”

Rational Replacement Thought: “There is nothing wrong with me. My partner and I ending our relationship is not a reflection of my character or overall worth. This situation simply means that might not have seen eye-to-eye on things. There is someone else out there who I will be compatible with.”

Irrational Thought: “I will walk the Earth alone for the rest of my life and I will never meet anyone else.”

Rational Replacement Thought: “There is no evidence to say that I will never find another partner. One failed relationship does not foreshadow future failed relationships. The only thing my ended relationship means is that we were not as compatible as we thought. There are plenty of other people out there who things might work out with. It is just a matter of finding them.”

Irrational Thought: “I hate couples now and I resent their happiness.”

Rational Replacement Thought: “It is irrational to hate other people because my relationship didn’t work out. They had no part in what happened and are simply living their lives. Their relationship has no connection to me, and they are certainly not in a relationship to spite me or rub it in my face.”

Irrational Thought: “I can’t be alone.”

Rational Replacement Thought: “I can manage being alone, although it might be uncomfortable. The fact that I am single at this very moment indicates that I can be alone. I am doing it and nothing bad has happened, aside from being uncomfortable. Sure, I’d certainly like to not be alone right now, but I will live. After all, this is only temporary.”

It’s not Wrong because it Feels Wrong

The ending of a relationship is an enormous life change. It will take time, patience, and practice in order for successful adjustment to take place. We often experience the belief that, if something feels foreign or wrong, then it must, in fact, be wrong. Due to the emotional involvement that characterizes romantic relationships, there will undoubtedly be times when life without this person feels wrong or “funny,” but this does not mean that it truly is, or that you are doing something wrong.

Feelings such as these do not indicate that you cannot manage the separation. What they do mean, however, is that you are adjusting. Imagine swinging a baseball bat or golf club in the hand that is not your dominant one (the one you have been using your whole life). It would take practice to become used to this process but, in time, you would grow to be more skillful at it. With practice, you will better able to adjust to life after your breakup.

References

Pucci, A.R. (2010). Feel the way you want to feel…no matter what! Use rational self-counseling to overcome life’s most difficult problems. Bloomington, IN: iUniverse.

However, emotional abandonment has nothing to do with proximity. It can happen when the other person is lying right beside you — when you can’t connect and your emotional needs aren’t being met in the relationship.

Emotional Needs

Often people aren’t aware of their emotional needs and just feel that something’s missing. But people have many emotional needs in intimate relationships. They include the following needs:

• To be listened to and understood
• To be nurtured
• To be appreciated
• To be valued
• To be accepted
• For affection
• For love
• For companionship

Consequently, if there is high conflict, abuse, or infidelity, these emotional needs go unmet. Sometimes, infidelity is a symptom of emotional abandonment in the relationship by one or both partners. Additionally, if one partner is addicted, the other may feel neglected, because the addiction comes first and consumes the addict’s attention, preventing him or her from being present.

Causes of Emotional Abandonment

Yet even in a healthy relationship, there are periods, days, and even moments of emotional abandonment that may be intentional or unconscious. They can be caused by:

• Intentionally withholding communication or affection
• External stressors, including the demands of parenting
• Illness
• Conflicting work schedules
• Lack of mutual interests and time spent together
• Preoccupation and self-centeredness
• Lack of healthy communication
• Unresolved resentment
• Fear of intimacy

When couples don’t share common interests or work and sleep schedules, one or both may feel abandoned. You have to make an extra effort to spend time talking about your experiences and intimate feelings with each other to keep the relationship fresh and alive.

More harmful are unhealthy communication patterns that may have developed, where one or both partners doesn’t share openly, listen with respect, and respond with interest to the other. If you feel ignored or that your partner doesn’t understand or care about what you’re communicating, then there’s a chance that eventually you may stop talking to him or her. Walls begin to build and you find yourself living separate lives emotionally. One sign may be that you talk more to your friends than to your partner or are disinterested in sex or spending time together.

Resentments easily develop in relationships when your feelings, especially hurt or anger, aren’t expressed. When they go underground, you may either pull away emotionally or push your partner away with criticism or undermining comments. If you have expectations that you don’t communicate, but instead believe your partner should be able to guess or intuit them, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment and resentment.

When you or your partner fears intimacy, you may pull away, put up walls, or push one another away. Usually, this fear isn’t conscious. In counseling, couples are able to talk about their ambivalence, which allows them to get closer. Often abandoning behavior occurs after a period of closeness or sex. One person may physically withdraw or create distance by not talking or even by talking too much. Either way, it may leave the other person feeling alone and abandoned. Fears of intimacy usually stem from emotional abandonment in childhood.

In Childhood

Emotional abandonment in childhood can happen if the primary caretaker, usually the mother, is unable to be present emotionally for her baby. It’s often because she’s replicating her childhood experience, but it may also be due to stress. It’s important for a baby’s emotional development that the mother attune to her child’s feelings and needs and reflect them back. She may be preoccupied, cold, or unable to empathize with her child’s success or upsetting emotions. He or she then ends up feeling alone, rejected, or deflated. The reverse is also true – where a parent gives a child a lot of attention, but isn’t attuned to what the child actually needs. The child’s needs hence go unmet, which is a form of abandonment.

Abandonment happens later, too, when children are criticized, controlled, unfairly treated, or otherwise given a message that they or their experience is unimportant or wrong. Children are vulnerable, and it doesn’t take much for a child to feel hurt and “abandoned.” Abandonment can occur when a parent confides in his or her child or expects a child to take on age-inappropriate responsibilities. At those times, the child must suppress his or her feelings and needs in order to meet the needs of the adult.

A few incidents of emotional abandonment don’t harm a child’s healthy development, but when they’re common occurrences, they reflect deficits in the parent, which affect the child’s sense of self and security that often lead to intimacy issues and codependency in adult relationships. Couples counseling can bring couples together to enjoy more closeness, heal from abandonment, and change their behavior.

Brooke was chatting with her sister Ashley and provocatively remarked, “Don’t you think you should stay longer when you visit your family? You’re so selfish.”

“I’m doing my best. You’re pressuring me,” Ashley replied.

“I’m just saying!” Brooke retorted.

Oh, well. In that case….

Brooke used the expression “I’m just saying” after making an off-putting remark, conveniently absolving herself of responsibility for the affront. This tagline is a handy conversational tool: It serves as a free pass for the speaker to say anything and then negate any ill intent.

Often the remark preceded by “I’m just saying” is unsolicited and provocative. “I’m just saying” creates a confusing interpersonal dynamic. The speaker unconsciously attempts to trick the listener into believing an altered reality in which he or she is blameless, and the listener is implicitly accused of having an unfounded reaction. In this altered reality both are supposed to pretend that:

• The speaker didn’t really say anything upsetting.
• “I’m just saying” magically neutralizes any negative reaction.
• The speaker can say whatever he or she wants as long as it’s followed by “I’m just saying.” Then, no one can hold the speaker accountable.

Still, this phrase may also be used more literally, without any hidden agenda, when someone has an unexpected negative reaction to a truly innocuous remark which leaves the speaker feeling unfairly attacked or exposed. In such cases “I’m just saying” expresses honest frustration and is intended in rightful self-defense, conveying: “That was an innocent comment – so chill!”

A similar ingenuous use of the phrase is when someone says something and then feels exposed. For example, Cathy raised a suggestion to which her friend said sarcastically, “Like we didn’t already know that!” In this case, Cathy took a risk to contribute to the conversation, and then felt foolish when her friend reacted as if her idea were stupid. “I’m just saying!“ Cathy replied. Here Cathy used the tagline in an attempt to save face.

The trickier situation is when people use “I’m just saying” to disclaim an offensive comment. The next time someone uses the “I’m just saying” scam, be armed and shoot back: “I know – and I’m not sure you recognize that what you’re ‘just saying’ is actually offensive.” (And depending on how irritated you are, you can always add, “Hey, I’m just saying.”)

From the same family of taglines is the phrase “I’m just teasing” or “I’m just joking ” where responsibility also is disowned for one’s actions and their effects. In some instances, however, the “joker” may, in fact, have trouble reading people, or may have miscalculated the other person’s reaction, believing she is going to laugh along with them. Such cases are easily recognizable because the recipient’s hurt is treated with more concern and sensitivity, not invalidated.

Typically, however, the “I’m just kidding” tagline is part of a passive-aggressive, unconscious dynamic in which anger is sneakily expressed and then defended against. The perpetrator of the remark denies responsibility for jabbing anyone, accusing the recipient of the jab of being “too sensitive,” and mocking her for feeling the sting. People who use this defensive style frequently accommodate others, are afraid of conflict and anger, feel misunderstood in relationships, and believe they never get angry. Not surprisingly, they are befuddled when others are put off by actions or remarks that, unbeknownst to them, transmit hidden hostility.

Stacey is a stay-at-home mom whose husband resents helping out when he comes home. When she asked if he could drive their son to hockey this time, Steve said, mockingly, “Why, because you’ve been working so hard all day?” When Stacey became upset, he said, “Honey, I’m just kidding. Where’s your sense of humor?” Oblivious to the covert hostility in his “playful” comment, Steve was indignant when Stacey reacted with offense, creating a cycle of hurt and misunderstanding for both.

So if you’re the misunderstood “joker,” and you’ve unwittingly hurt someone and want to make things better, be smart and own up to it. Consider soul-searching for the unconscious resentment you may be harboring so it won’t leak out surreptitiously. Hey, I’m just saying…

Tips for misunderstood “jokers” or “teasers:”

• Step back from being caught up in whether the other person’s reaction is justified.
• Don’t defend yourself or argue about the validity of the other person’s reaction.
• Take seriously the other person’s feelings and experience of you.
• Take responsibility: acknowledge that you hurt the other person.
• Apologize.
• Consider that you may have (unconscious) resentments that are leaking out. Think about possible resentments you may be harboring toward the person you’re teasing, in other areas of your life, or from your past.

Empowering comebacks to: “I’m just saying:”

• “I know – and I’m ‘just responding’ to what feels like an insult.”
• “I know – but the fact that you are ‘just saying’ something offensive doesn’t make it less offensive.”
• “I know – and what you’re ‘just saying’ is offensive Hey, I’m just saying.”
• “I know – and I’m not sure you recognize that what you’re ‘just saying’ comes across as critical, hurts my feelings, is insulting, etc.”
• “I’ve thought this through and I’m comfortable with what I’m doing. I’m not seeking input on this.”
• “Thanks for your input, I’ll take it under advisement.”
• “Thanks for your input. I’ll let you know if I need any additional opinions on this.”

Although there are several difficult, nationwide events that we are all currently adapting to, one of the most talked-about stressors in modern American culture is the dramatic rise in unemployment.

Current Trends

Joblessness is becoming more widespread in the United States. For example, in January 2001, the unemployment rate of individuals 16 years and older was 4.2 percent. By January 2011, this percentage more than doubled to 9.7 percent (Department of Labor, 2011). The situation seems to be improving in 2012.

A rapidly increasing unemployment rate can dramatically affect people who are out of work, as well as those struggling to keep their jobs.

Psychologically, our thinking dictates our feelings about a situation. For one person, unemployment might stir up a fear of the inability to feed the family. For another, it might induce anxiety — covering the rent may feel impossible. It might take on more symbolic meanings such as loss of identity, loss of meaning in life, loss of routine, or loss of a sense of competency.

While these thoughts are common, they are not necessarily valid or rational, and may lead to depression. In a study by Dooley, Catalano, and Wilson (1994) that surveyed both employed and unemployed people, it was found that individuals who became unemployed were more than twice as likely to experience increased depressive symptoms or the risk of becoming clinically depressed.

How We Depress Ourselves

A situation does not make us a feel a certain way. It does not choose how we feel. Rather, we choose how we think about, perceive, and process the situation. Our thinking influences how we feel and behave.

A wise professor once told me to think about any terrorist attack that I had read about. Our nation reacted with fear, disgust, hatred, and grief. However, those who perpetrated the act felt pride, power, and happiness. Different perceptions of the same situation influence our feelings.

Restructuring thinking regarding unemployment can be difficult but helpful. Thinking about job loss in maladaptive ways and becoming upset over its symbolism creates an inner emotional storm of irrational beliefs. We cannot control the economy, downsizing, and employment, but we can control how we feel.

Common Irrational Thoughts

• “My life is over; I have no purpose or meaning now that I have no job.”

  Replacement Thought: “My life is not over, I’m just on a hiatus until I find a new job.” “While I’m off I can focus on being a parent. That brings meaning to my life as well.”

• “I’m no longer me without my job as a…”

  Replacement Thought: “I am still me without my job. My job is what I do, not who I am.”

• “I’ll never find another job.”

  Replacement Thought: “People DO find jobs! I can definitely find one, but it might take time. Obsessing about this will not make a job come faster”

• “People will think I’m a loser.”

  Replacement Thought: “People know this is a tough time for the economy. They will understand. Plus, do I really need others’ approval?” “How can I be a loser if I have this amazing set of unique skills? No one can take this from me. I still possess these skills without my job. I can attempt to translate them to a new one.”

• “Drinking and drugging will help me to fill this empty, hopeless feeling.”

  Replacement Thought: “This behavior perpetuates the cycle. Substance abuse fuels depressive symptoms. Now I will have two problems – substance abuse and unemployment. This is not filling my emptiness, but instead encourages hopeless feelings.”

• “I’m too depressed to leave the house and look for work. How else should I feel?!”

  Replacement Thought: “I can feel sad or disappointed, that’s normal. There’s no need to be depressed. I might feel like I’m too depressed to do anything, but the decision to get out of bed lies with me, not my depression. I can actively choose how to behave. Sometimes, the best way to feel better is to get out and do something, so I’ll give that a shot tomorrow.”

Self-Help Exercise

Try this simple, fun self-help exercise for changing your thinking: Go out to your nearest dollar store or stationery shop and pick up a small flip notebook that you can fit in your pocket. Each time you catch yourself thinking an irrational thought about your situation, write the thought down in your notebook, labeling it “irrational thought” or “thought A.” Write a few key words underneath it about how you currently feel. Underneath it, write a new, rational, adaptive thought, and label it “replacement thought,” or “thought B.” Underneath this, write a few key words about how your mood has changed. Do you feel more at ease? Less stressed?

This exercise will allow you to establish a trend in your thinking. It will also help you practice identifying and replacing irrational thoughts that stop you from feeling the way you want to feel. After some time, you will not need your trusty notebook anymore!

References

Dooley, D., Catalano, R., & Wilson, G. (1994). Depression and unemployment: Panel findings from the epidemiologic catchment area study. American Journal of Community Psychology, 22(6).

United States Department of Labor: Bureau of Labor Statistics (2011). Labor force statistics from the current population survey. Retrieved from http://data.bls.gov/timeseries/LNS14000000