Currently, I am interested in two men. Neither is viable as my new boyfriend. Dating in my 30s is different than dating in my 20s. I am able to more accurately assess a dating situation before diving into it. I know what works for me and what does not. Sometimes I am grateful for this gift. Sometimes I would prefer to be oblivious and have a lot of fun before a dating situation goes down in flames. Right now, I am going for a responsible assessment of the two men I am interested in—one that is full of foresight that will hopefully save me from feeling that heartache-y, empty feeling six months down the line when things go all wrong.
Bachelor #1: A client I have at work. We see each other on a weekly basis. Bachelor #1 is completely a “Stacey” guy. He is tall, cute, funny, educated, and quirky. I think he became my client because he kind of likes me. Today he told me that I’m awesome and I felt all flattered and gooey.
What’s the issue? First of all, he has a girlfriend. She is a long distance girlfriend who lives in another country. That’s almost like having no girlfriend at all. The two of them don’t even have a plan to move to the same place at some point. His situation with this woman strikes me as somewhat pointless and I think that if I wanted to, I likely could bump her out of the picture. However, this leads me to the second issue with this guy. He is always busy. He works crazy hours at a full-time job where he works to cure cancer. I am not kidding about that, he really is a researcher at a cancer institute. In addition to trying to cure the world of a horrific disease, he is in a full-time Ph.D program. His lack of availability would get to me if he were to become my boyfriend. Then I would feel guilty because I would want him to spend time with me instead of saving the world. It would lead to a terrible cycle.
Bachelor #1 also seems to be highly forgetful and disorganized. A stereotypical absent-minded professor, scientist type of person. These qualities would bug me if I had to deal with them on an ongoing basis. Although I like this guy a lot and we get along smashingly and have a lot in common, he is not a good, viable candidate for my next boyfriend.
Bachelor #2: A man I briefly dated who I am currently “friends” with. When Bachelor #2 and I hang out, it is a perfect blend of super-fun and super-serious. There is something about Bachelor #2 and I that makes us completely open to each other. With him, I am able to be much more honest than I am with most people.
What’s the problem, you ask? Bachelor #2 is emotionally in no place to have a girlfriend right now. He has issues he has to work out and has acknowledged that in the past, he has been a bad boyfriend to other women. Even if he was in perfect emotional shape, I am not sure that Bachelor #2 and I have lifestyles that would mesh well together for the long term. I like Guitar Hero and dive bars. He likes clubs and break dancing. I want contentment. He wants excitement.
So where does this leave me?
This leaves me in a position where I need to not pursue either of these men. I have enough experience with boyfriends and dating that I know what works for me and what does not. As much as I like both these people, neither would work out well. I need to leave things as they are and continue to have these men in my life in their current roles. I need to find new boyfriend candidates.
Over the past year, I’ve done pretty well meeting people to date. I have met them either through friends or random situations. However, over the last couple months, these people have not been appearing. I am once again considering using Match.com.
I have a love/hate relationship with Match.com. I have used it in the past and met some really great people through the site. I have also met some ultra duds.
When you use Match.com, it takes up a lot of time. You need to be on top of all the emails you receive and keep up a regular correspondence with a number of people. It can often suck up at least an hour a day just with writing emails. My time is mostly spent working. I am not sure I can give Match.com the attention it requires.
Then come the dates. As much as I try to keep the dates brief, this usually does not work. I end up on these long, drawn out, day-long outings with people I have no interest in dating. Yes, I should be better about cutting things off, but in my efforts to be nice, I get stuck.
Match.com also makes you highly visible to the outside world. My job is very public. Hundreds of people see me every day. I have occasionally recognized some of these people as Match.com users. I fear this happening to me. It would be one thing if these were people I randomly knew rather than saw in a professional capacity.
If I want to meet an awesome new person to date, I need to get over these factors. Really, they are pretty minor. I have been playing with setting up a new Match.com profile. My last username was an easily memorable word. Because people use Match.com continually for years, it’s likely that many of the male users would recognize me as someone who has used the site before. I would prefer to come back as a brand new user. This will allow me to:
- Not look like a total loser if I email someone who rejected me two years ago.
- Go to the top of searches when a man is looking for new users of the site.
- Be Match.com “new meat.” You never get as much attention as the first time you use the site.
The pros of using Match.com to find some new prospects outweigh the cons. I’ll mull it over for a little longer, then make my official decision. I know I will eventually sign up again as a new user, but I can’t seem to pull the trigger on it just yet. We shall see!
Goldstein, S. (2009). Back to Match.com?. Psych Central. Retrieved on March 8, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/lib/back-to-matchcom/0001691
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 30 Jan 2013
Published on PsychCentral.com. All rights reserved.