Cliques Continued…
Sam has had to rethink all of her ideas about who her real friends are. She was already getting impatient with the conformity required of her clique but she thought they liked her enough to be happy for her new relationship. She wasn’t prepared for the insults that came with asserting herself. “I went home crying for weeks, ” she says. “But I finally figured out that I have a right to be myself, not just what the group wants me to be. My boyfriend and his friends are really funny and laid back. I never realized how much pressure it was to be in with my clique.”
What are the essential differences between a healthy friend group that clicks and the group that is a clique? Take a look at this comparison:
|
Click |
Clique |
|
People who are drawn together by a mutual interest or value system |
People who are drawn together by the need to be special and popular. |
|
Members are encouraged to have other friends too and to introduce new members into the group |
Members may only be friends with each other and are discouraged from bringing new members into the group - unless the new person adds to the groups "coolness" factor |
|
Individual members are supported in their individual interests by the group. Group members celebrate each other’s individual successes. |
Members are discouraged from being involved in anything that takes time and attention away from the group. |
|
Members are valued for their individuality. |
Members must conform to the group’s idea of what is cool dress and cool behavior |
|
Natural leaders may emerge but the leaders don’t need to be in charge to feel good about themselves. They are happy to have others take on leadership as well. |
The leader(s) hold on tight to their leadership role and exclude anyone from the group who might threaten that position. |
|
If people are sometimes crabby or mean, it’s just because they are having a bad day. |
If people are mean, it’s meant to reinforce the idea that the group is exclusive and superior. |
Teens who find a friend group that “clicks” grow into adults with a healthy self-esteem. They know how to make solid relationships with people who can be there for each other through good times and bad. Teens whose only social group is a clique are often insecure in their relationships and lack the self-confidence to assert their creativity or individuality. Fortunately, many do grow out of the need for superiority and artificial popularity once they get out of high school. Others continue to hang their identity on being better than the next person and are mystified that they can’t find mutually trusting relationships.
How a parent can help
How can a parent help kids find other kids who “click” and stay away from the “cliques”? It starts way before the teen years. As with most things, helping kids develop the social skills and self-confidence needed to find a healthy friend group takes some parental effort. Good modeling, opportunities to develop healthy interests and relationships, and good values are the keys.
- Model diversity in your own friendships. Talk about how knowing different kinds of people enriches your life in different ways.
- Help your child develop good social skills. Kids who know how to be a good friend are kids who attract healthy friendships.
- Foster empathy skills. Kids who can walk in another’s shoes are not likely to participate in hurting or bullying others. (See: Manners to Empathy: Faking it is a place to Start.)
- Follow your kid’s lead in finding the activity or sport that they are passionate about. Good friendships often develop from participating in a shared interest.
- Help your child develop a mind of his or her own. Kids who have confidence in their own values are less likely to fall in with the crowd. Encourage assertiveness about the things that matter.
- If your child does fall into a clique, don’t be critical of the “friends.” Do be critical of any mean behavior. Go to the root of the problem and talk to your young person about what she or he is getting out of being in a group that won’t let people be who they are and whose popularity depends on putting other people down.
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 22 Oct 2008
