While many people face serious psychological problems or mental health issues, far more people just have simpler concerns that are of the more garden-variety type. A person may be a little lonely from time to time, suffer from insecurity or self-esteem issues, or just feel stressed. These everyday concerns are neither life-threatening, nor do they rise to the level of needing professional help. So what’s a person to do?
Many emotional problems are learned, mainly from parents, teachers, peers and the media. Therefore people can unlearn these patterns on their own. In many cases, professional help can become redundant or even counterproductive. Once people realize that they play a crucial role in overcoming their problems, self-help becomes a highly effective option.
Most people with mental aliments are making one of 10 common errors that result in needless emotional distress. Recognizing these mistakes makes it easier for these people to solve their own problems. Learn to avoid them, and you’re well on your way to becoming your own shrink!
1. You are too demanding and perfectionistic.
The problem: Sheila L., 30, was extremely insecure because she focused far too much on her flaws. During the holidays, for example, she pressured herself to spend lots of money on the perfect presents for people, despite her modest teacher’s salary. She also berated family and friends for their shortcomings. Eventually, people started avoiding her, leading her to feel isolated and depressed.
The solution: Sheila had fallen prey to what famed psychiatrist Karen Horney, M.D., termed “the tyranny of the ’should.’” Focusing too much on what you and others “should” do causes guilt on your part, and anger and frustration on the part of your victims. There are many valid ways to act in any given situation. You’re only human, so it is imperative to avoid having superhuman expectations. Try replacing “should” and “must” with “wish” or “prefer” — for example, trade “You shouldn’t smoke in the house” with “I’d prefer that you smoke outside.” If you become less demanding, life can be much more fulfilling and relaxing.
2. You don’t say what you mean or mean what you say.
The problem: Tony R., 39, dreaded his family’s yearly Thanksgiving dinner. Each November, the same scene played out: Tony would get irritated with his family’s nagging, but would bottle up his retorts until he exploded with rage. His sister, Mildred R., 30, took the opposite approach: She agreed with everyone, afraid to speak her own mind. Both, however, felt tense, awkward, resentful and unappreciated. Tony seemed immature to his family. Mildred came across as distant and infantile.
The solution: Tony, Mildred and others like them need to remember several key instructions: Say what you feel as soon as you feel it. Do not wait for pressure to build, and do not recoil from speaking up. Speak calmly, respectfully and directly. When people know you’re giving them your honest opinion, they’re more likely to treat you with respect than if you kowtow to them. By being assertive — but not aggressive — people are more likely to listen to you. The style you adopt when dealing with others is crucial. It determines who loves you, hates you, seeks you out or avoids you more than your beliefs, ideas or opinions.
3. You tend to be judgmental.
The problem: Jim H., 47, came from a small, conservative town and was highly judgmental. When his younger brother brought an African-American girlfriend to a family gathering, Jim couldn’t help predicting the worst for the weekend — and saying so. His brother was hurt and angry at Jim’s racist remarks. Jim’s parents felt uncomfortable and left early. The girlfriend burst into tears. Not surprisingly, Jim was disliked both inside and outside his family.
The solution: Everyone makes judgments and forms opinions: “He’s overweight.” “He talks slowly.” But add a negative “therefore” to the end of these statements and immediately you are making uninformed inferences. “He talks slowly, therefore he must be stupid.” “My family isn’t used to African-Americans, therefore an African-American will not fit in.” No one likes being unfairly judged. You are more likely to get along with others if you don’t rush to stereotype them. Besides, when you sit in judgment of others, you’re likely to be wrong about them.
4. You are afraid of making mistakes.
The problem: Jean W., 29, was terrified of doing something — anything — wrong. She thought people would think less of her if she made a mistake. For example, when her boyfriend invited her to meet his family, an intellectual group of people, she worried about saying something dumb and felt tense and defensive all week beforehand. Ironically, she then found it hard to concentrate at work, resulting in the silly slip-ups she’d feared making. Her anxiety also led her to stammer and stutter her way through the gathering at her boyfriend’s house.
The solution: One of the best ways of learning is through mistakes. They provide valuable feedback and highlight areas for growth. Most people prefer others who have faults; they’re what make you human and appealing. Sharing your shortcomings creates intimacy and fosters close relationships. For that reason, it can be better for your mental health to draw attention to and laugh at some of your mistakes, rather than hide them. Accepting your shortcomings and being open about them frees you from the pressure of being “found out.”
5. There is very little fun in your life.
The problem: Robert H., 54, was raised to work hard, get ahead and, above all, win. Fun was regarded as a waste of time. When amusing events at the office had everyone else in stitches, Robert would shake his head disapprovingly. Since he eschewed going to movies, concerts, plays or sports events — frivolous pursuits, in his mind — he had the social skills of an alien from outer space. He felt lonely and isolated.
The solution: Many authorities have extolled the benefits of humor as a physical and psychic tonic. In our practices we have found that recreation and downtime are vital human needs which, like sleep, restore your equilibrium. Realizing that relaxation doesn’t mean laziness can add years to your life. Laughter stimulates various brain centers that can raise your pain tolerance and strengthen the immune system. Go out of your way to seek amusing incidents and take note of them. This serves as an antidote to stress as well as a buoy for your feelings.
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Last reviewed:
On June 17, 2008
By John M. Grohol, Psy.D.
