Men vs. Women
Men generally find it easy to say why they are feeling the way they are but most have a very difficult time identifying what they are feeling. Women generally can go on and on about how they are feeling but have a hard time saying why they feel they way they do. In my experience both members of a couple either are not specific about when things happen or
are very detailed about events.
What Do “I” Messages Have To Do with Being a Victim?
“I” messages are about taking ownership for what you are feeling and thinking rather than blaming others for what you are feeling and thinking. No one makes you feel the way that you do and no one makes you think the way that you do. This is a tough concept for many people to understand. You choose how you feel based on what you think.
For example, “You make me mad when you leave the towels on the floor. How many times have I told you to pick them up?” If I said that, my thinking would likely be: “They are so thoughtless. I’m tired of yelling; nobody listens to me.” I would be feeling mad because of those thoughts. If I thought to myself instead: “I will teach my children how to pick up the towels on the floor by giving them a consequence and then following through with that or by reorganizing the bathroom routine so that it would be easier for them to keep the towels picked up,” I might still feel mad but mostly I would feel empowered and purposeful because I was doing something about it.
My “I” message might come out like this: “I am so afraid of slipping and falling when the towels are on the floor. I am really angry that they were left there. Would you kids like me to take away your favorite toy when you leave the towels on the floor or would you like to put them on these hooks that I have hung just for them? See, they each are a different color so you know which one is yours.” I would be in control of what happened rather than allowing my children to be in control.
Nobody makes anybody feel anything.
Another example is if my husband gave me flowers and I thought “Oh, how nice of him to give me flowers.” I likely would thank him for giving them to me because I would feel special. But if I thought instead, “What a waste of money. He could have bought me something for my kitchen instead,” then I would feel angry and would tell him not to do it again. Not only do “I” messages break down defenses but they also put us in control of our thoughts and feelings. When we are in control of those, we are no longer a victim.
Visit brighterdays4you.com for more information.
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 27 Aug 2007
