Better Communication to Combat Anger

Angry people tend to jump to — and act on — conclusions, and some of those conclusions can be pretty wild. The first thing to do if you are in a heated discussion is to slow down and think your responses through. Don’t say the first thing that comes into your head, but slow down and think carefully about what you want to say. At the same time, listen carefully to what the other person is saying and take your time before answering.

Listen, too, to what underlies the anger. For instance, suppose you like a certain amount of freedom and personal space, and your ‘significant other’ wants more connection and closeness. If he or she starts complaining about your activities, don’t retaliate by painting you partner as a jailer, a warden, or an albatross around your neck.

It’s natural to get defensive when you’re criticized, but don’t fight back; instead, listen to what lies beneath the words. Perhaps the message is that this person feels neglected and unloved. It may take a lot of patient questioning on your part to uncover this, and it may require some breathing space, but don’t let your anger–or a partner’s–make a discussion spin out of control. Keeping your cool can keep the situation from becoming disastrous.

Using Humor for Anger

‘Silly humor’ can help defuse rage in a number of ways. For one thing, it can help you get a more balanced perspective. When you get angry and call someone a name or refer to them in some imaginative phrase, stop and picture what that word would literally look like. If you’re at work and you want to call a co-worker a ‘dirt-bag’ or a ‘single-cell life form,’ for example, picture a large bag full of dirt, or an amoeba, sitting at your colleagueís desk, talking on the phone, and going to meetings. Do this whenever you want to call another person by a rude name. If you can, draw a picture of what the actual thing might look like. This will take a lot of the edge off your fury; and humor can often be relied on to help un-knot a tense situation.

The underlying message of highly angry people is ‘Things oughta go my way!’ Angry people tend to feel that they are morally correct, that anything blocking or changing their plans is an unbearable indignity that they should NOT have to tolerate. Maybe other people do, but not them.

When you catch yourself feeling that way, picture yourself as a god or goddess, a supreme ruler who owns the streets and stores and office space, striding alone and having your way in all situations while others defer to you. The more detail you can get into your imaginary scenes, the more chance you have to realize that maybe you are being a little unreasonable; you’ll also realize how unimportant the things you’re angry about really are.

There are two cautions in using humor. First, don’t try to just ‘laugh off’ your problems; rather, use humor to help yourself face them more constructively. Second, don’t give in to harsh, sarcastic humor; that’s just another form of unhealthy aggression.

What these techniques have in common is a refusal to take yourself too seriously. Anger is a serious emotion, but it’s often accompanied by ideas that, if examined, can make you laugh.

Changing Your Environment

Sometimes it’s our immediate surroundings that give us cause for irritation and fury. Problems and responsibilities can weigh on you and make you feel angry at the trap you seem to have fallen into, and all the people and things that form that trap.

Give yourself a break. Make sure you have some ‘personal time’ scheduled for times of the day that you know are particularly stressful. For example, a working mother might make a standing rule that when she comes home from work, the first 15 minutes will be quiet time. With this brief respite, she will feel better prepared to handle demands from her kids without blowing up at them.

Some other tips for easing up:

• Timing. If you and your spouse tend to fight when you discuss things at night — perhaps you’re tired, or distracted, or maybe it’s just habit — try changing the times when you talk about important matters so these talks don’t turn into arguments.

• Avoidance. If you get furious every time you walk by your child’s chaotic room, shut the door. Don’t make yourself look at what infuriates you. Don’t say to yourself, ‘Well, my child should clean up the room so I won’t have to be angry!’ That’s not the point. The point is to keep yourself calm.
• Finding alternatives. If your daily commute through traffic leaves you in a state of rage and frustration, give yourself a project. Perhaps you could find a different route, one that’s less congested or more scenic. Or find an alternative way to travel, such as taking a bus or commuter train.

Article courtesy of the American Psychological Association. Copyright © American Psychological Association. Reprinted here with permission.

    Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 18 Aug 2007
    Published on PsychCentral.com. All rights reserved.