4. Self-affirmations will help you raise low self-esteem.
SELF-HELP BOOKS SAY: “Write affirmations on paper and put them in places you will see them — on the bathroom mirror, next to your bed, on the car dashboard,” recommends Life 101: Everything We Wish We Had Learned About Life In School — But Didn’t (Prelude Press, 1991). “You can also record them on endless-loop cassette tapes and play them in the background all day (and night).”
RESEARCHERS SAY: Psychologists say this technique may not be very helpful. Changing how we feel about ourselves is a lot more complicated, explains William Swann, Ph.D., of the University of Texas-Austin. “Self-esteem is based on two components: first, our sense of how likable and lovable we are, and second, our sense of how competent we are” at our jobs and at other activities that demand talent and skill. On those scores, we’ve been hearing from other people — parents, teachers, bosses, siblings, friends, romantic partners — all our lives, and their opinions of us continue to reinforce our notions of ourselves, good or bad. Self-affirmations, even when endlessly repeated, don’t make much of a dent — and when they fail to work, they may leave us even more demoralized.
What’s more, people with low self-esteem may be especially unpersuaded by self-affirmations. Preliminary research by Swann’s colleague at UT, Robert Josephs, Ph.D., indicates that those with poor self-images simply don’t believe the statements, because they don’t value their own opinions very highly. In Josephs’ experiment, high self-esteem people were able to pat themselves on the back for solving a set of problems, while “lows” had to hear praise from someone else before they would credit it.
WHAT TO DO INSTEAD: The only way to change the final product — your self-esteem — is to change what goes into making it — feedback from other people. “If you find yourself in bad relationships where your negative self-view is getting reinforced, then either change the way those people treat you by being more assertive, or change who you interact with,” says Swann. “If you’re in a job where you’re getting denigrated, insist that you be treated more appropriately, or change jobs. Try to do your job better than you’ve done it before.”
IN OTHER WORDS: Stand up for yourself. Surround yourself with people who think you’re great, and tell you so. Do your best to live up to their high opinions. And be patient. Self-esteem is the sum of your interactions with others over a lifetime, and it’s not going to change overnight.
5. “Active listening” can help you communicate better with your partner.
SELF-HELP BOOKS SAY: “The technique of ‘active listening’ ensures that you not only hear, but really understand what your partner is trying to tell you,” reads Going the Distance: Finding and Keeping Lifelong Love (Plume, 1993). You do it by “paraphrasing your partner’s words, then repeating in your own words what you believe your partner is trying to communicate to you.”
RESEARCHERS SAY: There’s only one problem with active listening: hardly anyone does it. Although the technique has been promoted by therapists for over three decades, research shows that actual couples — including the long-lasting, lovey-dovey ones — completely ignore it when they argue. “It just doesn’t happen,” says Sybil Carrere, Ph.D., a psychologist at the University of Washington who’s been leading a six-year study of how newlyweds interact. “Intuitively it does make sense, but the fact is that when you look at happy couples, they’re not doing it. They’re being affectionate, they’re using humor to break up tension, they’re indicating interest in what their partner has to say — they’re doing a lot of positive things. But they’re not doing active listening.” In fact, one of the few studies that has been conducted on the effects of active listening shows that it does nothing to help couples in distress.
WHAT TO DO INSTEAD: According to Carrere, couples should focus their efforts on three other areas. First, women should try to present their complaints in a calm way: Research shows that men are more likely to listen if their partners tone down hostility and avoid contemptuousness. Second, men need to really listen to their partners, taking their feelings and opinions into account. And third, both sides should do what they can to keep the male half cool and collected. “Men have a tendency when they get into conflict to get physiologically aroused, and then they tend to withdraw from the conflict in order to soothe themselves, which only makes the woman more angry,” says Carrere. If the two of you can work together to head his anger off at the pass — by throwing in a joke, maybe, or offering a hug — you’ll both be better off.
The five distortions presented here are only a few of the misconceptions you may encounter. To protect yourself against others, be sure to take self-help prescriptions with a measure of skepticism and a healthy dose of common sense.
Sifting Science from Snake Oil:
How to Find Top Psychology in Pop Psychology
Americans turn relentlessly to books, magazines, radio, TV and the Internet in the hopes of finding their way to a better, less problem-filled life. But there’s a catch. Some of this popular psychology is based on solid psychological science and practice, and some is not. How to distinguish which is which?
- Consider the source of the information. Does it come from a mental health professional? Beware of materials written by fellow sufferers who are laypersons. Experiencing a problem doesn’t automatically confer the ability to help others. And what works for one may not work for all.
- The problem that’s addressed has to be one that is amenable to change. Psychological states that are genetic, like manic-depressive disorder, are extraordinarily difficult to change. So are those that are at the core of what we think or do, such as sexual orientation. Depression is more responsive to deliberate efforts at change, and panic disorder and issues of sexual performance more susceptible still.
- The material must provide both facts about and specific strategies for dealing with the psychological concern. It’s important that the information review the symptoms of any condition, and ideally a self-diagnosis questionnaire should be provided.
Quality information also takes into account individual differences among readers. Most helpful is an array of techniques for tackling the problem. The more specific the problem-solving strategies., the more useful. And all of the strategies presented should be based squarely on science or professional practice.
- The material should refer the reader to authoritative sources, such as professional organizations. Does it contain a bibliography? A resource guide? These are important for possible follow-ups.
- The book’s title should reflect its contents.
- The purpose of the book should be stated in the preface or the first chapter.
Psychologically related sites have virtually exploded on the web. Look for those hosted by a reputable organization and that present in-depth coverage of issues, such as Psych Central. The best Web sites offer bibliographies of relevant articles and books; they also offer a listing of professional organizations.
No matter where you turn for information, you can’t abandon your critical thinking skills.
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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 25 Sep 2007
