Love and empathy

Preschoolers epitomize the exuberance of childhood, bringing the same enthusiasm from play to personal relationships. The young preschooler is a warm, affectionate person who loves others deeply, tenderly, and extravagantly. She loves herself very much, too. At this age, the conflict between loving others, wanting to please them, and loving oneself often leads to behavior problems. With time, however, a child’s love for others will emerge victorious. She will reach a point where she wants to give up personal gratification for the greater reward of adult approval.

Caring about other people’s feelings (empathy) is a desirable quality to instill in children. The age at which true empathy emerges is still questionable. Experiments have shown that babies under 1 year old will cry when shown pictures of other babies crying. One particularly empathic 2-year-old was noted to say ‘poor baby’ as she cuddled a “sad” doll. Does this mean that young children understand how another person is feeling?

Dr. Graae believes that even by preschool age, children may not yet have a fine-tuned sense of empathy, because empathy requires a cognitive development as well. “Empathy requires you to somehow take the other person’s position,” he says. Though experts have not pinpointed the time when empathy does bloom, we can still encourage it in our preschoolers. “Helping kids understand that other people have feelings is important, even if it takes them a while developmentally to really feel other people’s hurt.,” said Dr. Graae. Even at a young age, kids can cognitively say, “Yes, I would be sad, too.” They may not necessarily get the whole idea, but it’s part of an emerging process.

Further Reading

Ames, Louise Bates, Ph.D., and Frances L. Ilg, Ph.D. Your Three-Year-Old, Dell Publishers, 1987

Brazelton, T. Berry, M.D. To Listen to a Child: Understanding the Normal Problems of Growing Up, Addison-Wesley Publishing Company, 1984.

Brazelton, T. Berry, M.D. Toddlers & Parents, Delacorte Press, 1989.

Greenspan, Stanley, M.D., and Nancy Thorndike Greenspan. First Feelings: Milestones in the Emotional Development of Your Baby and Child, Penguin Books, 1989.

Paul, Henry A., M.D. When Kids Are Mad, Not Bad. Berkley Publishing Group, 1995.

Roiphe, Herman, M.D., and Anne Roiphe. Your Child’s Mind: The Complete Guide to Infant and Child Emotional Well-being, St. Martin’s/Marek, 1985.

White, Burton L. The New First Three Years of Life, Fireside (Simon & Schuster), 1995.

    Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 18 Aug 2007
    Published on PsychCentral.com. All rights reserved.