Things You Can Do About Anger and Hostility

1. Recognize the fear driving your anger

Since fear is the engine that drives you to do such things such as hit, yell, or scream at someone, ask yourself, “What am I fearing right now?” Do you fear the person will not do or say what you want? Do you feel anxious when you’re not in control? Recognize that your need to control may be unrealistic and actually counter-productive. If anxiety about a situation is great, you may have difficulty attending to this source and you will probably need to work very hard on this anxiety. Once you do, you will be able to master your fear and anger more effectively.

2. Flow with fear

Once you have identified the fear behind your anger, allow yourself to feel it. Doing so will allow the fear to flow through and out of you. Much energy is wasted trying to push away from our fears. Unfortunately, this keeps us smack in the middle of them. Once we experience and identify our fears, we can move on to reduce stress. We can accept that the feared condition has occurred, and then take positive steps to change or make the best of a perceived “feared” outcome.

3. Improve your self-esteem

Everyone experiences anger at times. It’s normal. However, a positive and healthy self-esteem is vital to resisting the use of anger. Self-esteem improves when you look to the good within you and not to the bad, flawed or inadequate.

4. Practice “letting go”

“Letting go” is the key to freeing yourself from excessive anger. Our culture focuses on maintaining control rather than teaching us the art of “letting go.” By “letting go,” you will actually gain control over yourself! When you become aware of excessive anger within you, you can begin to talk to yourself in a different way. For example, you might say to yourself:

“I can let go and it’s okay. Letting go does not mean I’m out of control.”

“I can let go and still feel in control. Letting go makes me feel better, and that will make the situation better.”

“I don’t need anger to change this person or situation. Anger is not controlling me, I am the master of my anger.”

“I am not an angry person. Anger is destructive. I will raise myself above this anger and let go!”

5. Be prepared

Being prepared means to think about your behavior and thoughts. Write down or make a mental note when you frequently feel excessive anger or express it either outwardly toward others or inwardly toward yourself. Become aware of the circumstances that trigger your reaction and mentally prepare yourself for future occurrences the next time. Prepare by rehearsing how you will respond when your anger begins to show itself. Then, when the situation arises, you will be better able to make a positive change in yourself. You may not always succeed, but you will make progress, especially when you have small successes.

6. Use “i-messages”

“I-Messages” are powerful ways to communicate with others when angry, upset or hurt. I-Messages can defuse a potentially explosive situation and are a good alternative to verbally abusing another person. Typically, I-Messages take the form of telling the person how you feel because of what they did or did not do. I-Messages focus on behavior, not the person as a human being. For example, a common anger expression might be: “You idiot! Where have you been all night! You’re such a stupid, no-good kid! I hate you. Get out of my sight.”

For example, an I-Message can take the form of: “When you don’t call me or let me know when you’re coming home, I feel hurt and unimportant in your life. It is important for you to call me. I know you want to be independent, but let’s discuss boundaries and limits. I don’t hate you. I am upset with your behavior. Unfortunately for you, there are limits and we need to talk about consequences.” I-Messages should express how you are affected by another’s behavior.

7. Avoid should’s

Mentally setting overly tight boundaries for yourself and others, constantly saying that people should be something other than what they are generates frustration and anger. People are what they are; change is possible, but acceptance is key to stressmastery. Engaging in these “shouldisms” is often self-destructive and usually harmful to your relationships with others.

Some examples of “should’s” to avoid are:

“She/he should be more loving.”

“When I walk into a room, people should immediately say hello to me.”

“When I assigned her the job, she should have completed it right away.”

“He should love his parents more. He should visit them more often.”

“They should show me more respect. After all, I’m their superior. I deserve it.”

8. Set realistic goals

When you do not reach your goals, you can become frustrated and angry. Set realistic goals, both in reducing excessive anger and in all other areas of your life. Then act on them; promises and hopes rarely change human behavior. Finally, tell yourself that you are making progress. Reassure yourself, even when you are making only occasional or small strides. Small strides are the only way many goals are reached.

    Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 18 Aug 2007
    Published on PsychCentral.com. All rights reserved.