Breaking the Impasse
Talking together, we find that Will is feeling left out. His wife and mother-in-law have become strongly bonded in their commitment to give Addy every chance to have as normal a life as possible. Because they are both at home during the day, they have lots of time to talk and to try things together. Kathy has understandably turned more and more to her mom as a support and teammate. Will has given up trying to get on their team. Instead, he is doing his best to be the kind of fun dad that he thinks his boy needs. After dinner, they roll on the floor. They play tickle games. They make noises together. Will doesn’t mind carrying Addy around piggy-back. He thinks vocalizations are a fine way to “talk” for now.
From Kathy’s point of view, Will undermines her. In our sessions she explains that she is trying to set limits. She is trying to get her son to walk and talk. She wants Will to pay attention to what the experts tell her and to get with the program. Angry and tired, she nonetheless is able to acknowledge that she is overly critical of the evening fun times. Will is stunned to find that she sees the evening romps as a slap in the face.
A little understanding and a lot of communication go a long way. They are able to hear how they have drifted into not talking about things that need to be talked about. Kathy admits that by evening she is too worn out to fill Will in on everything he needs to know. Will, for his part, admits he’s too tired to listen to technical explanations and just wants to hang out. Complicating things further is that Addy often doesn’t fall asleep until 10:00 or 11:00, leaving little opportunity for his parents to have alone time before they fall into bed.
How to Find a New Balance
Our work focuses on sharing information and finding a new balance. Both have some adjustments to make.
Will is expecting too little. Feeling sorry for a kid with a disability is as handicapping as the disability itself. Will hadn’t realized he was pitying his son. In trying to make it up to him by not placing demands on him, he was in danger of inhibiting Addy’s ability to grow. It isn’t doing him a favor to exempt him from the demands of life. Other people won’t do it for him once he gets into the larger world.
It’s obvious to Will that his son needs him on his side. What wasn’t so obvious to him was how much Addy needs him to help him meet the ordinary demands of life. Walking and talking are just the beginning.
Kathy, on the other hand, may be expecting too much. She and her mom have made Addy’s growth a mission. They take him to classes. They read up on the latest techniques. As a former teacher, Kathy has lots of skills. She turns every afternoon into a home school for Addy. Feeling the pressure of another baby coming, Kathy has redoubled her efforts to make Addy grow. She’s driven. She’s tired. She’s not much fun. She doesn’t realize that Addy needs to feel accepted for who he is as well as for who he could be. He needs a happy mom as much as a competent teacher.
Neither Kathy nor Will planned to get so polarized. It just happened as a consequence of the reality of their schedules, what they each do to cope, and their reactions to each other. Once they understood, the rest was, if not easy, at least workable. They were able to talk realistically about what Addy needs for structure, for reinforcement, for developing new skills and for fun with both of his parents. They were able to talk about ways for Kathy to take a break now and then without feeling like she is letting her son down. They were able to figure out ways that Will could have some fun with Addy but also be one of his most important teachers. By eventually including Grandma in the conversation, the three of them were able to make a team of three instead of a team of two with Will as an outsider.
Counseling didn’t take the challenges of raising a child like Addy away. What it did do was make it possible for the adults to support and help each other. Once they had a sympathetic understanding of the situation, Kathy and Will could cooperate as partners and as parents. Most important, they were able to rediscover the many good reasons they are together.
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 25 Jul 2007
