What do we mean when we say our child is misbehaving? It comes down to this: The kid is doing something we don’t like. The problem gets compounded by worries: Maybe we’re worried that our child won’t be able to get along with others. Maybe we’re worried that other people won’t like him. Maybe we’re even worried that other people will think we’re bad parents for not putting a stop to what the child is doing. The focus in all these instances is on the child. We see the child as misbehaving so we try to find the right consequence or threat or bribe that will make him behave the way we want him to.
One of my best teachers was Rudolf Dreikurs, a wise and compassionate man with a thick Austrian accent. He often admonished his students, “When you have a problem with a child, you first have to look at zee total zituation.” He emphasized that sometimes the child is just fine. The child is not a problem child. Rather, it’s the situation that is creating the problem. When that is the case, all the lecturing, coaxing, praising, punishing, cajoling, pleading, and nagging that adults are so good at are doomed to failure. Focusing on making the child be different only hurts the child and frustrates the adult. It’s the situation, not the child, that needs to be understood, changed, or managed.
When a child is doing something you don’t like, take the time to run yourself through this checklist before you intervene. You will save yourself a lot of aggravation and you will spare your child the confusion of being asked to manage something that she can’t help.
1. The basics: Is the child hungry, tired, or needing exercise?
Any parent knows that a tired and hungry child who has been cooped up in the house for three days due to bad weather is not the best company. Sometimes it’s harder to remember that a delayed lunch or a missed nap can also be a setup for a tantrum.
One mother I was seeing in therapy regularly complained to me that her two little daughters, ages 3 and 2, were constantly crabby. Then I spotted her and the kids at the grocery store at 11 p.m. several weeks in a row. (Yes, I shop then. I enjoy the alone time.) The next time I saw her, I asked why she had the girls up so late. She said she couldn’t stand a crowded store and since the kids could sleep late, she didn’t see it as a problem to do late night shopping a couple of times a week. She didn’t understand that interrupting the kids’ sleep cycle every couple of days was what was turning her sweet girls into little monsters.
2. Is it medical?
I learned about this one the hard way. When my third-born was about 4, there was a week when he became really cranky and impossible. He whined. He demanded. When asked to do something, he threw himself on the ground and refused to budge. I wasn’t very sympathetic. I knew he was getting everything he needed. When asked, he said nothing was wrong. He just didn’t feel like doing anything. He didn’t have a fever so I ruled out illness. Exasperated, I finally took him to the doctor anyway. Imagine how guilty I felt when it turned out he had a major ear infection. Sometimes a child isn’t misbehaving. He’s behaving like a sick child who can’t tell you in words that something just doesn’t feel right.
An important hint to a medical problem is when the behavior is the same across settings. If your usually sweet child is being impossible at daycare, on the playground, and at home, he may not be misbehaving. He may be in some kind of medical distress. Constipation, urinary tract infections, ear infections, allergies and other medical issues can turn your lamb into a bear.
3. Is it possibly a side effect of medication?
Some kids react badly to what may seem like the most benign medicines. Just because you got it over the counter doesn’t mean that your child won’t have some side effects. Cough medicines and allergy medicines make some kids act wired. (Please check with your pediatrician before giving your child any cough and cold remedy. The American Academy of Pediatrics does not support the use of any over the counter cough syrup for children.) Other kids pull into themselves and become uncharacteristically quiet because a medicine is sedating them.
If your child either withdraws or starts bouncing off the walls after taking medicine, it’s important to check in with the pediatrician or pharmacist. The same thing goes for homeopathic remedies, nutritional supplements, and herbal teas. Even though something is “natural” a child may be sensitive to it.
4. Are we expecting what is appropriate to the age and stage of the child?
The wants and needs of the parents can’t make a child go through developmental phases and stages much faster than normal. It’s tempting to turn first-born children of larger families into “assistant parents.” It’s hard to remember that a kid who is big for his age will act his age, not his size. It’s common for overwhelmed parents to demand that a child be more mature than he is ready to be. However much a child may want to please the adults she depends on, there is a limit to how much she can stretch before she breaks. Parents, especially new parents and parents who are struggling with their own problems, sometimes need to be reminded that kids are just that — kids. There is no way to hurry up growing up.
5. Has the child been given adequate training to “behave” appropriately in this situation?
One mother I know was furious with her 5-year- old son for acting up at the baptism of the new cousin in the family. During the whole ceremony, he was asking questions loud enough for everyone to hear. “Why is that man in a dress?” “Why is it so dark in here?” “What is that smell?” ”Why are they putting water on the baby?” The mother was mortified.
It’s sometimes hard to remember that every day is full of “firsts” for a child. The mom in our story had been brought up in a family where church was a weekly event. She “forgot” that she hadn’t been bringing her little boy to church since day one. The big stone building and the ceremony that were so familiar and comforting for her were scary and overwhelming to her son who was seeing it all for the first time.
Children generally can’t be expected to gauge what is appropriate behavior in new situations unless someone tells them or shows them. Although some kids are intuitive enough to pick up cues from the adults and do what’s expected at least some of the time, most don’t. Most kids don’t react well to change or novelty without a little preparation.
6. Is the adult unable or unwilling to tolerate normal child behavior?
Children are needy. Children are messy. Children often are loud. Yes, they’re cute. But sometimes they smell bad and do unattractive things. Children require our time and attention as well as our love. Some adults can’t stand the demands, the mess, the noise, the smells, and the insistence of childhood. They want children to be little adults or playthings or museum pieces. When the kids insist on being kids, these adults decide that the kids are behavior problems and want someone to do something, anything, to make them behave. What’s required instead is an attitude transplant on the part of the adults.
7. Is there an overmatch or mismatch of temperaments? Are parent and child too alike or too different?
It’s a fairly common phenomenon. One kid in a family gets under his father’s (or mother’s) skin more than the others. They constantly knock heads. Everyone who observes them sees that the two are very much alike. They react in much the same way to stress. When there is conflict, neither can step back and be reasonable. They take their stress out on each other.
Alternatively, some personalities just have a hard time being with each other. A very loud child may set his very quiet mom’s teeth on edge. A very aggressive child may scare a more passive parent. A child who is hyperactive may quickly wear out a less energetic adult. An athletic parent may just not “get” his more artistic child. More than one parent has told me that one of his or her children seems like an alien who has been dropped into the family. Feeling helpless or mystified by the (for them) unusual child, the parents became impatient and intolerant. Why can’t this kid be more like us?
When there is an overmatch or mismatch, it falls on the adults (because they are the adults after all) to figure out how to manage it. Parents can and must learn how to admire and appreciate their child’s temperament. Similarity or difference can be fascinating and enriching, not threatening, once it is understood.
8. Is the child over- or understimulated?
An angry dad came into my office last week. He had taken his children to a local arcade and pizza shop. After about an hour, his 5-year-old threw a major kicking and screaming on the floor tantrum. The dad was furious. “I only get to see them every other weekend. I wanted us to have a good time and he ruined it!”
The boy may have ruined his dad’s fantasy of how to spend a Saturday afternoon but Dad has some learning to do about reading his son’s reaction to stimulation. Apparently, the noise, lights, activity, and general confusion of such places overwhelmed this little boy’s ability to cope. After a while, it stopped being fun for him and he had a meltdown. He’s not misbehaving. He’s reacting. Dad needs to plan activities that his son’s nervous system can manage.
On the other end of the spectrum is the child who is bored, bored, bored. I watched this in action only today at the grocery store. One mom with a child in the cart ran into a friend in the cookie aisle. The two moms started talking and talking and talking. The child started squirming. Mom scolded, “Sit still!”
Right. The moms are engaged but the little girl is trapped in a grocery cart with nothing to do but look at the cookies on the shelf. The inevitable happened. She reached for the cookies, knocking a box to the floor and almost falling out of the cart. This is not a misbehaving child. This is a child who is being expected to be more patient with having nothing to do than is reasonable to expect of one so young.
Before you decide that your child is misbehaving, step back and take an honest look at the circumstances. Often there is more to the story than whatever the child is doing. When the situation is the problem, a change in the circumstances will result in a happier child and a more relaxed you.
Checklist for parents
| Situation | What To Do |
| The child is hungry, tired, or needing exercise. | Feed him. Create a quiet time or nap time. Play, go for a walk, up the activity level. |
| The child is sick. | Tender loving care. See pediatrician if needed. |
| There are possible medication side effects. | Consult your pediatrician or pharmacy for advice. |
| More is expected than is appropriate to the age and stage of the child. | Read up on ages and stages and bring your expectations into line. |
| The child hasn’t been given adequate training to “behave” appropriately in this situation. | Take time to explain. Use stories and examples to help the child understand. |
| The adult is unable or unwilling to tolerate normal child behavior. | Work on yourself. Find ways to put the joy back into being with children — at least some of the time. |
| There is an overmatch or mismatch of temperaments. | Find ways to admire and appreciate the similarity or difference. |
| The child is over- or understimulated. | Adjust the activity and stimulation level or take the child out of the situation. |
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 19 Apr 2007
