7. Is there an overmatch or mismatch of temperaments? Are parent and child too alike or too different?
It’s a fairly common phenomenon. One kid in a family gets under his father’s (or mother’s) skin more than the others. They constantly knock heads. Everyone who observes them sees that the two are very much alike. They react in much the same way to stress. When there is conflict, neither can step back and be reasonable. They take their stress out on each other.
Alternatively, some personalities just have a hard time being with each other. A very loud child may set his very quiet mom’s teeth on edge. A very aggressive child may scare a more passive parent. A child who is hyperactive may quickly wear out a less energetic adult. An athletic parent may just not “get” his more artistic child. More than one parent has told me that one of his or her children seems like an alien who has been dropped into the family. Feeling helpless or mystified by the (for them) unusual child, the parents became impatient and intolerant. Why can’t this kid be more like us?
When there is an overmatch or mismatch, it falls on the adults (because they are the adults after all) to figure out how to manage it. Parents can and must learn how to admire and appreciate their child’s temperament. Similarity or difference can be fascinating and enriching, not threatening, once it is understood.
8. Is the child over- or understimulated?
An angry dad came into my office last week. He had taken his children to a local arcade and pizza shop. After about an hour, his 5-year-old threw a major kicking and screaming on the floor tantrum. The dad was furious. “I only get to see them every other weekend. I wanted us to have a good time and he ruined it!”
The boy may have ruined his dad’s fantasy of how to spend a Saturday afternoon but Dad has some learning to do about reading his son’s reaction to stimulation. Apparently, the noise, lights, activity, and general confusion of such places overwhelmed this little boy’s ability to cope. After a while, it stopped being fun for him and he had a meltdown. He’s not misbehaving. He’s reacting. Dad needs to plan activities that his son’s nervous system can manage.
On the other end of the spectrum is the child who is bored, bored, bored. I watched this in action only today at the grocery store. One mom with a child in the cart ran into a friend in the cookie aisle. The two moms started talking and talking and talking. The child started squirming. Mom scolded, “Sit still!”
Right. The moms are engaged but the little girl is trapped in a grocery cart with nothing to do but look at the cookies on the shelf. The inevitable happened. She reached for the cookies, knocking a box to the floor and almost falling out of the cart. This is not a misbehaving child. This is a child who is being expected to be more patient with having nothing to do than is reasonable to expect of one so young.
Before you decide that your child is misbehaving, step back and take an honest look at the circumstances. Often there is more to the story than whatever the child is doing. When the situation is the problem, a change in the circumstances will result in a happier child and a more relaxed you.
Checklist for parents
| Situation | What To Do |
| The child is hungry, tired, or needing exercise. | Feed him. Create a quiet time or nap time. Play, go for a walk, up the activity level. |
| The child is sick. | Tender loving care. See pediatrician if needed. |
| There are possible medication side effects. | Consult your pediatrician or pharmacy for advice. |
| More is expected than is appropriate to the age and stage of the child. | Read up on ages and stages and bring your expectations into line. |
| The child hasn’t been given adequate training to “behave” appropriately in this situation. | Take time to explain. Use stories and examples to help the child understand. |
| The adult is unable or unwilling to tolerate normal child behavior. | Work on yourself. Find ways to put the joy back into being with children — at least some of the time. |
| There is an overmatch or mismatch of temperaments. | Find ways to admire and appreciate the similarity or difference. |
| The child is over- or understimulated. | Adjust the activity and stimulation level or take the child out of the situation. |
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 19 Apr 2007
