Deregulation and Deprivation
Deregulation and impulsiveness are the hallmarks of ADD, as well as of sex addiction. Unable to set boundaries on their own behavior, those with ADD feel an intense need to continue forever — whether it is on a work project or an involvement in a sexual enactment. One definition of compulsion may very well be “a loss of control characterized by an intense desire to continue despite adverse consequences.”
A sense of deprivation emerges when compulsive sexualizing does not provide the gratification and satisfaction that results from experiencing intimacy with another person. Rather than sex being a way to bring two people closer, sexual enactments for the person with ADD can stem from intra-psychic conflict, from a narcissistic need for validation, and as a way to medicate the physiological symptoms of brain chemistry deregulation. The result is that sex takes up a disproportionately large place in his psychic equilibrium. His very sense of self depends on his sexuality.
Deprivation is not a feeling that is comfortable for the ADD- suffering sex addict. He is a bottomless pit of needs, always looking ahead and never feeling satisfied. The simpler pleasures of life are too mild. Risky, novel, intense and mysterious experiences such as those provided by Internet porn match his voracious appetite. Sex with a spouse seems banal. Marriages are ruined.
Unfortunately, trying to feed the monster of endless needs makes the need grow larger and more insistent, so a vicious cycle is set in motion. Despite endless hours looking at cybersex, no amount is ever enough. Sex addicts rarely are sated and live daily with a sense of unsatisfied longing.
Mood and Emotion
ADD-impaired sex-addicted people have problems with mood and emotion regulation and stabilization. They often say they live on emotional roller coasters — the need for risk and intensity in life and in sexuality is ever-present. For the person with ADD, feelings fluctuate, with extreme alterations in the highs and lows over hours or even minutes. Maintaining emotional stability is an intricate process involving fine adjustments by different parts of the brain and nervous system.
Since setbacks throw people with ADD off-balance easily, they may try to adjust their instability with a sex or Internet binge to balance mood and brain chemistry. The release of endorphins and dopamine from sex temporarily settles the physical, emotional and biochemical roller-coaster that many people with ADD experience on a daily basis.
Distractibility
The ADD mind drifts hither and yon. It daydreams, wanders and drifts among loosely- and tenuously-connected thoughts, often moving to sexual fantasies that quell its restless energy. This is the famous “distractibility” of ADD. Someone with ADD might engage in sexual fantasies when he should be working. The radio in the ADD brain seems to have a malfunctioning scan button that won’t let him switch channels efficiently.
The sex addict’s solution is to stay tuned to one channel only and it is usually sexual fantasy to which the channel is set. Once he’s in his compulsive, rigid focus, it’s hard for him to turn off the scan button to redirect. Hence, distractibility is not the only problem; people with ADD also can have problems with overfocusing.
Once the person’s attention is captured, he can stay engaged with what he’s doing almost endlessly. Some may not be able to pay attention; ADD sexual compulsives usually can’t stop paying attention. Hours and hours go by, chores don’t get done, children and spouse are neglected, books go unread, the glory of the sound of music is muted. This type of erotic hyper- attention also can take its toll in exhaustion, fatigue, and sometimes failing health.
The overpersistence of the sexual compulsive can make switching gears out of the “erotic haze” very difficult. Although this type of self-absorption makes productive and creative work and interpersonal relationships impossible, refocusing is painful. Going from one task that involves excitement, risk, mystery, intensity, soothing and escape is excruciating when taking out the garbage or paying the bills is called for.
Another factor that contributes to sexual addiction for people with ADD is that many of them have defective sensory filters that make them experience the world as a barrage to the senses. Noises, sights and smells rush in without barriers or protection. When you live with ADD, you may be constantly bombarded with input that others may not even notice. This assault on the senses often creates feelings of intense anxiety and irritation that can trigger sexual acting out. The comfort of the “erotic haze” on the Internet or the soothing experience with an escort can ameliorate these incessant barrages of sensory stimuli to the ADD brain.
Impaired Social Skills
Some people with ADD have experienced the negative impact of ADD on social adjustment. Many are shy and were not particularly popular in school, especially if learning disabilities were in the picture. Ostracization has been part of the childhood of many people with ADD. As adults, many people with ADD have to work extra-hard to interact effectively in social and work situations. The development of social skills is more an art than a science because we must learn to read the ever-changing reactions of others. If deficient selective attention interferes with paying attention to social cues in order to listen and respond empathically, the person with ADD may feel extremely ill at ease. How much easier to go to a chat room to enter into an eroticized communication where sexuality can be used as a surrogate for real social interactions.
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 10 Dec 2006
