So three years later, I am once again not contacted, and it’s three months later down the line that I make the effort in my shattered and vulnerable state to contact the evaluation team, only to be told to come in again. I do. It’s a further several weeks before I have to make yet another appointment to see the team, and this time I am a nervous wreck, barely able to speak, hardly capable of communicating in any way. The doctors make an assessment on the spot and refer me to hospital taking me themselves.
How did my parents react? I told them I was going in for observation, and having taken no money or funds with me, I didn’t realize they would find out eventually as I had to leave the hospital at some point. When they did find out, they were shocked and concerned, at least that’s the impression they gave. The voice was telling me otherwise.
I was medicated with olanzapine, a new drug called duloxetine and provided with ophenadrine to combat the tremors of the initial medicine intake. Later on, for my impulses to act out violently I was given carbamapazine. This worked fine, but it affected my blood count and was therefore stopped. Eventually my meds changed from 10mg Zyprexa (olanzapine) to 7.5 and the 60mg of Cymbalta (duloxetine) continued. The ophenadrine was dropped eventually as I no longer suffered from tremors. The medication combination worked fine for me, but far from becoming a healthy individual, I was now putting on weight and increased my weight to over 10 kg (22 lbs.) over my original, correct weight.
This increased my depression as I wasn’t used to being fat since I was a child. I went back to my doctors, was then put on Abilify (aripiprazole) along with the Cymbalta, and a reduced dosage of Zyprexa to help me through the phase of changing medication. Since switching to Abilify, it’s helped wonders with the voice which I sense, but don’t hear. Therapy has also played a major part in my treatment, but the psych changes every 8 months which is the only niggling factor. Six months on since my initial threat to my doctor, I’ve improved greatly and feel I can go to work without wanting to kill anyone on a regular basis. This has been reduced, though not eliminated completely.
I wish I had words of wisdom that I could share, but I can’t as everyone is different, and that is what I’ve learned through this experience. Particularly when dealing with psychosis, doctors seem to treat everyone with the same brush until it doesn’t work, and then they try something else. I felt like a guinea pig, prodded and assessed (particularly during my stay in hospital) by more and more different faces each time. Mental health in the UK is an absolute farce; the general practitioners are also a cosmic joke — if it wasn’t for my own persistence I may be dead somewhere.
If any wisdom can be gained from my experience, it would be to never give up on getting help, as help is available, you just have to fight for it, even if you’re emotionally vulnerable and close to suicide. If mental health in the UK was taken as seriously and with as much care as the rest of Europe and even other parts of the world, then perhaps I would have been treated far earlier, and had the courage to step forward and admit I was hearing a voice and hallucinating much sooner. As it is, I am being treated now, for which I’m thankful, but I’ve had to fight tooth and nail for it, and I hope you never have to do the same.
–korefuji
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 25 May 2006
