Can this marriage survive? It’s a question many of us ask as we try to juggle the care of a disabled child, the needs of our other children, and, oh yes, the relationship to that person I’m married to. The good news is that marriages with a disabled child are no more likely to end in divorce than others.

Many marriages have to meet a significant challenge: illness or injury, high stress jobs, unemployment, drug addiction, out of control credit, a teen in scary rebellion, or infidelity, among others. With a divorce rate approaching 50 percent in the U.S., we all know that many couples end up fighting with each other instead of working together to manage the problem. It’s important to hold on to the truth that more than 50 percent do make it. In fact, 20 to 50 percent of couples who have a disabled child report that the experience of working together for the good of their children strengthened their relationship and gave life new meaning. With work and love, your partnership can be in that group.

Researchers have found some common themes among couples who are able to stay together in spite of adversity. Long-married couples are committed to the vows they made (for better or worse). They look at problems as something to solve, not as a reason to bail. They educate themselves about whatever difficulty they’ve been handed and find out about the resources available to them. Usually at least one member of the couple is optimistic by nature. Most have friends or relatives who give them support and love. And, maybe most important, there is sufficient security and maturity to put the marriage on the back burner now and then in order to deal with pressing demands.

In the case of marriages with disabled children, there are some unique variables. A disabled child is a child with multiple needs. Parenting a disabled child usually involves learning about and dealing with multiple specialists, multiple systems, and multiple expenses that parents of typical children never have to even think about. Learning about the disability, providing daily care, choosing treatment options, managing a complex medical system, negotiating insurance, advocating for special needs schooling and responding to the legitimate needs of other family members adds another full-time job to the family mix.

Mothers and fathers often respond to those needs differently, with a tendency to drift into traditional gender roles that can become rigid and unsatisfying. This occurs partly because of personal choice, partly as a response to stress (people generally retreat to what is familiar when stressed), and partly as a result of socioeconomic factors (i.e., men still generally command higher wages than women). In the case of same-sex couples, both members of the couple may lead with the same strengths. As a result, there can be conflict and confusion about who should be doing what. Whatever the gender make up of the couple, the overarching issue is to be alert for when either person is feeling unfairly burdened and discuss it.

Tips for being a successful married team

Communicate. Communicate. Communicate. Every couple needs to communicate, of course. But parents with disabled kids need to take extra care to keep the lines of communication open and flowing. Many couples find it a useful discipline to take 15 minutes each day just to make sure that the other is informed about changes, appointments, new developments, and new achievements. By formalizing the information exchange, they ensure that neither is left out of important information or an important decision.

In addition to practical information, successfully married couples also communicate their appreciation for each other and provide a space for sharing the full range of concerns, cares, and joys of parenting. Intimacy comes from giving and receiving support.

Make a clear decision about who does what. Couples can drift naturally into roles that they then come to resent. Periodically, take time to take stock. What needs to be done? Who is the best person to do it? Is the load being shared in a way that is comfortable for each?

Figure out how you will deal with reduced finances. Most children with disabilities are primarily taken care of at home, at least until they reach school age. If parents had anticipated that both would be wage-earners, the necessity for one or the other to stay home can be a financial blow. Who goes to work and who stays home can be an emotional as well as a practical decision. It’s important that couples not make assumptions about who will do what. Work it out between you as carefully and clearly as you know how. Be aware that wage earners may become frustrated and feel they have failed if they can’t make ends meet through their work alone. Sometimes they become irritable and take it out on the very people they love most.

Another common reaction is resentment toward the child and each other for the family’s reduced financial circumstances. Feelings aren’t necessarily rational. Spouses need to remember to give each other support for how hard each is working. Both need to review the family finances periodically so that they have realistic expectations and can share the stress and the decisions. If living on one income is impossible, it’s essential to revisit the issue without any overtone of blame.

Recognize that things don’t have to be the same to be “fair.” Sometimes one person or the other simply is better at a particular task or willing to do a larger share in exchange for other kinds of support. One mom I know does all the paperwork for the insurance companies and manages all the appointments. This frees up her husband to do more of the home maintenance, a task she isn’t particularly good at and doesn’t enjoy.

In another family, the dad became the primary caretaker because the mom can command a higher salary. She often puts in extra-long hours to support the family financially. He makes sure that the household is running smoothly so that they can both enjoy weekends as family time instead of catching up on chores.

Make sure that each person knows enough about the other’s tasks so that it’s possible to give each other a break. Because they tend to be more intimately involved with the daily care of a child, the primary caretaker can fall into believing that only they know enough, care enough, or have enough experience to do the necessary routines and procedures. The couple may move further and further apart in expertise. The caretaker insists she or he can do it better and faster. The partner agrees and lets her or him do it. Then the caretaker feels she or he has to do it because the partner doesn’t know how. It’s important that both learn to be competent enough to take care of the child. It’s important that each has confidence in the other so that each can leave every now and then for a needed break.

Similarly, one parent might tend to be more oriented to the outside world. Often, the person who takes on more of the burden of supporting the family and managing the family budget starts to feel totally responsible for finances. The partner is glad to let go of that responsibility but becomes less and less clear about how the finances are working. The wage-earner might then feel unappreciated and irritable when the partner wants to buy something that is beyond their means. It’s important that both parents know enough about family finances to make decisions that are grounded in reality so neither feels resentful.

Tips for being a successful married team continued…

Go out of your way to comfort and reassure each other. Parents often worry about whether they are doing enough for their child and doing it right. Sometimes this is helpful as it spurs them on to get more information and training. Sometimes, though, this self-criticism can lead to depression. Each parent needs to feel they can reach to their partner for reassurance and support. Each needs to listen to the other’s concerns and remind each other that all anyone can do is their best. Usually that is more than enough.

Make room for everyone to have and express feelings. In most couples, one person—usually, but not always, the woman—is more emotional than the other. Many men feel uncomfortable talking about their feelings. Sometimes women inadvertently add to this problem by getting frightened if they see their husbands get upset. It’s generally not useful for a couple to get so polarized that one partner expresses all the feelings and the other thinks that she or he has to always be the “strong” one. The more emotional person can help by encouraging the partner to express feelings of frustration, sadness, and disappointment too.

You don’t have to go it alone. Any family that is dealing with significant stress is in danger of becoming isolated and lonesome. Social life? What social life? Getting through the day is sometimes so challenging that it doesn’t feel like there is room for maintaining friendships. Nonetheless, it’s essential to maintain adult relationships and to get out into the world once in awhile. Let good friends and family know how they can help you stay in touch. One family I know made it a point to tell their circle of friends that they just didn’t have it in them to organize get-togethers or initiate contact for awhile but that they would be great responders. Friends made sure they were invited to events and called frequently until things settled down enough that there could be more reciprocity.

There’s no one right way to do it. There are many ways for a couple to divide labor, to provide for the family, and to keep things feeling fair and balanced. When there is a disabled child in the family, each year—sometimes each day—brings new challenges, new problems to solve, and new experiences. The process of adapting to a child’s disability, managing each new developmental stage, and supporting the growth of each and every member of the family is ongoing through the life of the marriage. There’s no “right way” to do it. Couples who not only survive but grow strong are those who stay flexible and work as a team to find the way that works for them.

    Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 10 Dec 2006
    Published on PsychCentral.com. All rights reserved.