Tips for being a successful married team continued…
Go out of your way to comfort and reassure each other. Parents often worry about whether they are doing enough for their child and doing it right. Sometimes this is helpful as it spurs them on to get more information and training. Sometimes, though, this self-criticism can lead to depression. Each parent needs to feel they can reach to their partner for reassurance and support. Each needs to listen to the other’s concerns and remind each other that all anyone can do is their best. Usually that is more than enough.
Make room for everyone to have and express feelings. In most couples, one person—usually, but not always, the woman—is more emotional than the other. Many men feel uncomfortable talking about their feelings. Sometimes women inadvertently add to this problem by getting frightened if they see their husbands get upset. It’s generally not useful for a couple to get so polarized that one partner expresses all the feelings and the other thinks that she or he has to always be the “strong” one. The more emotional person can help by encouraging the partner to express feelings of frustration, sadness, and disappointment too.
You don’t have to go it alone. Any family that is dealing with significant stress is in danger of becoming isolated and lonesome. Social life? What social life? Getting through the day is sometimes so challenging that it doesn’t feel like there is room for maintaining friendships. Nonetheless, it’s essential to maintain adult relationships and to get out into the world once in awhile. Let good friends and family know how they can help you stay in touch. One family I know made it a point to tell their circle of friends that they just didn’t have it in them to organize get-togethers or initiate contact for awhile but that they would be great responders. Friends made sure they were invited to events and called frequently until things settled down enough that there could be more reciprocity.
There’s no one right way to do it. There are many ways for a couple to divide labor, to provide for the family, and to keep things feeling fair and balanced. When there is a disabled child in the family, each year—sometimes each day—brings new challenges, new problems to solve, and new experiences. The process of adapting to a child’s disability, managing each new developmental stage, and supporting the growth of each and every member of the family is ongoing through the life of the marriage. There’s no “right way” to do it. Couples who not only survive but grow strong are those who stay flexible and work as a team to find the way that works for them.
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 10 Dec 2006
