Tips for being a successful married team
Communicate. Communicate. Communicate. Every couple needs to communicate, of course. But parents with disabled kids need to take extra care to keep the lines of communication open and flowing. Many couples find it a useful discipline to take 15 minutes each day just to make sure that the other is informed about changes, appointments, new developments, and new achievements. By formalizing the information exchange, they ensure that neither is left out of important information or an important decision.
In addition to practical information, successfully married couples also communicate their appreciation for each other and provide a space for sharing the full range of concerns, cares, and joys of parenting. Intimacy comes from giving and receiving support.
Make a clear decision about who does what. Couples can drift naturally into roles that they then come to resent. Periodically, take time to take stock. What needs to be done? Who is the best person to do it? Is the load being shared in a way that is comfortable for each?
Figure out how you will deal with reduced finances. Most children with disabilities are primarily taken care of at home, at least until they reach school age. If parents had anticipated that both would be wage-earners, the necessity for one or the other to stay home can be a financial blow. Who goes to work and who stays home can be an emotional as well as a practical decision. It’s important that couples not make assumptions about who will do what. Work it out between you as carefully and clearly as you know how. Be aware that wage earners may become frustrated and feel they have failed if they can’t make ends meet through their work alone. Sometimes they become irritable and take it out on the very people they love most.
Another common reaction is resentment toward the child and each other for the family’s reduced financial circumstances. Feelings aren’t necessarily rational. Spouses need to remember to give each other support for how hard each is working. Both need to review the family finances periodically so that they have realistic expectations and can share the stress and the decisions. If living on one income is impossible, it’s essential to revisit the issue without any overtone of blame.
Recognize that things don’t have to be the same to be “fair.” Sometimes one person or the other simply is better at a particular task or willing to do a larger share in exchange for other kinds of support. One mom I know does all the paperwork for the insurance companies and manages all the appointments. This frees up her husband to do more of the home maintenance, a task she isn’t particularly good at and doesn’t enjoy.
In another family, the dad became the primary caretaker because the mom can command a higher salary. She often puts in extra-long hours to support the family financially. He makes sure that the household is running smoothly so that they can both enjoy weekends as family time instead of catching up on chores.
Make sure that each person knows enough about the other’s tasks so that it’s possible to give each other a break. Because they tend to be more intimately involved with the daily care of a child, the primary caretaker can fall into believing that only they know enough, care enough, or have enough experience to do the necessary routines and procedures. The couple may move further and further apart in expertise. The caretaker insists she or he can do it better and faster. The partner agrees and lets her or him do it. Then the caretaker feels she or he has to do it because the partner doesn’t know how. It’s important that both learn to be competent enough to take care of the child. It’s important that each has confidence in the other so that each can leave every now and then for a needed break.
Similarly, one parent might tend to be more oriented to the outside world. Often, the person who takes on more of the burden of supporting the family and managing the family budget starts to feel totally responsible for finances. The partner is glad to let go of that responsibility but becomes less and less clear about how the finances are working. The wage-earner might then feel unappreciated and irritable when the partner wants to buy something that is beyond their means. It’s important that both parents know enough about family finances to make decisions that are grounded in reality so neither feels resentful.
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 10 Dec 2006
