On the contrary: Revamping your partner is easy.

By the time people seek marriage counseling, they usually arrive armed with an arsenal of complaints about their partners: “She isn’t affectionate enough,” “He’s so insensitive,” “She wants to control everything,” “He doesn’t listen to me,” “She’s never on time,” “He’s so tight with money.”

Therapists’ walls echo with accusations as people point fingers at one another in an attempt to explain what they see as the source of their own discontent.

False, harsh consolation

After a litany of blame, accusation and lamentation, clients are often “consoled” by their therapists with the harsh reality that, “You need to realize that there isn’t anything you can ever do to get your partner to change. People are who they are. You can’t teach an old dog new tricks, especially one that’s not interested in learning any, so you need to simply accept your spouse or else get out of the relationship.” There’s nothing you can do to change them!

But what people fail to realize, including many marriage counselors, is that we can change other people. In fact, we have the power to create dramatic and long-lasting changes in those around us. The secret lies in how we target our energy and efforts, because our capacity to change others is entirely based on our willingness to change ourselves. This is not double-talk or trickery, it’s simply the reality of relationship dynamics.

“If I create a change in my own attitude and behavior, my spouse and the marriage itself will automatically be forced to change.”

A fundamental law of relational theory is that when any part of a system changes, the entire system—meaning all other parts—will be forced to change in response. What this means in a marriage is that if I create a change in my own attitude and behavior, my spouse and the marriage itself will automatically be forced to change. This is a powerful truth to embrace but, unfortunately, most of us are so busy blaming our partners for their shortcomings that we neglect to assert our power to create the very changes we want.

Make your partner more stubborn

Complaining and blaming rarely promote change. In fact, accusations and criticisms usually anger and hurt our partners in ways that make them more entrenched in their behavior patterns and thus more resistant to change. If I accuse my wife of being “critical and unsupportive,” in my attempt to get her to be more encouraging, caring and giving, chances are she’ll simply be hurt and enraged. This will probably force her either to attack back in some way (be critical) or withdraw from me (be unsupportive). My attempt to change her ends up backfiring and succeeds only in forcing her to exemplify the very things I want to transform. When my attempt to change her fails, like most people, I simply try harder—blame and complain more—which only perpetuates the negative cycle.

I can’t tell you how many couples are stuck in these circular patterns of frustration. Each partner has legitimate issues and strives to get their mate to understand and change. But the harder each tries, the more stuck and frustrated each gets. It’s like someone trying to dig a well where no underground water exists—digging harder and faster simply doesn’t help. The solution lies in stopping the fruitless activity of digging long enough to pursue other sources of water.

The potent energy switch

If I realize that direct attempts to change my partner are indeed fruitless, I can refocus and think about what things I can change within myself. Maybe I am the one that needs to work at being less critical and more supportive, or attempt do some specific things that my wife has been requesting—help out more around the house, pay more attention to her, become a better listener, etc. It usually isn’t difficult to pinpoint areas of change that have the potential for real impact since my partner has mostly likely been articulating them repeatedly. If I can allow myself to hear those requests and actually put energy toward meeting them, it’s amazing how my behavior changes will create changes in her.

When people feel heard, acknowledged and experience their own needs being met, they tend to reciprocate. When they feel criticized or shut out, they are forced to be defensive and withholding, but when they feel listened to, they are freed to listen and love in return. Each of us has the power to break the tug-of-war of wedlock, but the solution lies more in our willingness to let go of the rope rather than in simply pulling harder.

Our willingness to be wrong, admit fault, let go of our stubbornness and move toward our partners in loving and caring ways is far more potent than arguing or blaming. It isn’t easy to let go of our arrogance and self-righteousness, especially when we feel justified, misunderstood or mistreated. But the exertion of power to change ourselves and in turn change our partners and transform our marriage is well worth the pride we might have to swallow. For most of us, it’s high time we swallow and get on with our part of changing our relationships for the better.

    Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 8 Feb 2006
    Published on PsychCentral.com. All rights reserved.