Make your partner more stubborn
Complaining and blaming rarely promote change. In fact, accusations and criticisms usually anger and hurt our partners in ways that make them more entrenched in their behavior patterns and thus more resistant to change. If I accuse my wife of being “critical and unsupportive,” in my attempt to get her to be more encouraging, caring and giving, chances are she’ll simply be hurt and enraged. This will probably force her either to attack back in some way (be critical) or withdraw from me (be unsupportive). My attempt to change her ends up backfiring and succeeds only in forcing her to exemplify the very things I want to transform. When my attempt to change her fails, like most people, I simply try harder—blame and complain more—which only perpetuates the negative cycle.
I can’t tell you how many couples are stuck in these circular patterns of frustration. Each partner has legitimate issues and strives to get their mate to understand and change. But the harder each tries, the more stuck and frustrated each gets. It’s like someone trying to dig a well where no underground water exists—digging harder and faster simply doesn’t help. The solution lies in stopping the fruitless activity of digging long enough to pursue other sources of water.
The potent energy switch
If I realize that direct attempts to change my partner are indeed fruitless, I can refocus and think about what things I can change within myself. Maybe I am the one that needs to work at being less critical and more supportive, or attempt do some specific things that my wife has been requesting—help out more around the house, pay more attention to her, become a better listener, etc. It usually isn’t difficult to pinpoint areas of change that have the potential for real impact since my partner has mostly likely been articulating them repeatedly. If I can allow myself to hear those requests and actually put energy toward meeting them, it’s amazing how my behavior changes will create changes in her.
When people feel heard, acknowledged and experience their own needs being met, they tend to reciprocate. When they feel criticized or shut out, they are forced to be defensive and withholding, but when they feel listened to, they are freed to listen and love in return. Each of us has the power to break the tug-of-war of wedlock, but the solution lies more in our willingness to let go of the rope rather than in simply pulling harder.
Our willingness to be wrong, admit fault, let go of our stubbornness and move toward our partners in loving and caring ways is far more potent than arguing or blaming. It isn’t easy to let go of our arrogance and self-righteousness, especially when we feel justified, misunderstood or mistreated. But the exertion of power to change ourselves and in turn change our partners and transform our marriage is well worth the pride we might have to swallow. For most of us, it’s high time we swallow and get on with our part of changing our relationships for the better.
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 8 Feb 2006
