It’s important to teach kids that fairness is not the same as sameness. I once observed a mother of two rambunctious and argumentative boys take excruciating care to cut two slices of cake so that they were exactly the same size. You know what happened next: neither kid was satisfied. Each was convinced that the other had the larger piece and that it WASN’T FAIR!
What wasn’t fair had nothing to do with the size of cake slices. What wasn’t fair was that this mother was teaching her kids to expect to get exactly what they thought was due them at every instance. Constantly on guard for unfairness, these kids were sure to find it. How much better to teach kids that sometimes you get the bigger piece, sometimes the smaller one, but that when people are of general good will, things usually work out as they should.
During the Olympics, I was struck by the athletes’ acceptance that things aren’t always exactly fair. The moguls get more beaten up with each skier. The ice is different for the first skater after the Zamboni than it is for the skater who competes later. The weather at the top of the hill might be different for the first few downhill skiers (or bobsledders or lugers or jumpers) than it is for the last few. Regardless, each athlete took his or her turn and made the best of it. It was enough that every effort was made to create a level playing field. But no one expected that everything would be exactly even.
It’s important to show kids how to rise above unfairness. When Canadians Sale and Pelletier lost the gold to the Russian skating pair, almost everyone in the arena thought it was unfair. But to the credit of both pairs of skaters, neither team blamed or attacked the other. Both responded to an unfair situation with grace and class. In the end, both teams won gold in the medals they wore and in the high regard they inspired from skating fans everywhere. The message to kids is vital: You can be fair even if the situation isn’t.
Do Your Best and Do Your Best To Be Fair
Fairness training, like most things we teach our children, is a combination of modeling, teaching, and reminding — lots of reminding. Fortunately, we don’t have to do all the reminding ourselves. Sometimes the splendor of fairness just blazes across our television screens in a stunning array of languages, colors, and creeds.
For this, I am thankful to the Olympic athletes, commentators, and all those behind the scenes who offered a profusion of role models, lessons, and experiences in the value of fairness. They gave us a wonderful Olympics. Those 17 days in Salt Lake stand as a clear reminder — to adults as well as children — of the good will and good feelings that happen when people do their best and do their best to be fair.
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 12 Dec 2006
