Mental-O-Matic

By John M. Grohol, Psy.D.
Not for the humor-impaired!

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Instructions: Simply pick symptoms from each section within each box, preferably at least one from each row, and the stupendous Mental-O-Matic will scientifically determine a brand new diagnosis personalizd just for you, instantaneously!! Life is short. Shouldn't you find value in a label before someone else does it for you??!!

Depressed mood most of the day
Lost interest or pleasure in all activities
Loss of ability to concentrate or think
Loss of ability to think or concentrate
None of these

Significant weight loss
Binge eating and purging
Irresistable attacks of refreshing sleep
Irresistable sexual urges
None of these
Too much sleep
Too little sleep
Likes to play with fire
Likes to play with self
None of these

Too much energy
Too little energy
Too much pulling out of one's hair
Too much stealing of other people's stuff
None of these
Feelings of worthlessness or guilt
Feelings of narcissism or elation
Feelings of distrust and suspiciousness
Feelings of not knowing who you are
None of these

A need for markedly increased amounts of a substance
A need for markedly increased amounts of chocolate
A need for markedly increased amounts of horsepower
A need for markedly increased amounts of mirrors
None of these
Panic attacks
Agoraphobia
General feelings of anxiousness or worry
Unsure
None of these

Experienced a traumatic event
Witnessed a traumatic event
Read about a traumatic event
Caused a traumatic event
None of these
Distressing dreams
Distressing nightmares
Distressing spouse
Distressing boss
None of these

Feelings are overwhelming
Feelings are underwhelming
What are feelings?
Feelings are for wusses
None of these
I hear voices
I smell voices
I see dead people
I see Casper the ghost all the time
None of these

Repeated voiding of urine into bed or clothes
Repeated voiding of feces into bed or clothes
Repeated voiding of internal gases into bed or clothes
Repeated voiding of internal organs into bed or clothes
None of these

Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 20 Apr 2004
    Published on PsychCentral.com. All rights reserved.

 

 

I've wrestled with reality for 35 years, Doctor, and I'm happy to state I finally won out over it.
-- Mary Chase