I agree. Sheff diagnoses the nation’s response to addiction as being as sick as addiction itself. His message cuts across not only the policies of criminalization but the criminalization of an addict’s character.

While slamming prevention and treatment effectiveness, Sheff approaches the subject by methodically laying out the research. His own conclusions, reached through the experience of being an addict’s father, are in line with the reviewer’s and no doubt many readers. As Sussman puts it, the work is “a manifesto aimed at clinical professionals and policy makers,” as well as a good guide for both addicts and their loved ones.

“Addiction isn’t a criminal problem, but a health problem,” according to Sheff. Many clinicians are trying to get this message across to the public, to politicians, and to family.  As with mental illness, the stigma attached to being an alcoholic or addict obliterates the ability for respectful, genuine communication.

Sheff is known for his book “Beautiful Boy,” which outlined his despair over his son’s struggles.  He set out to go one step further in “Clean,” actually “sprint[ing] through the research for every aspect (neuroscience, social science, psychology, law) of every stage (preventing early use, identifying abuse, detox, treating addiction, maintaining sobriety) of every drug problem.”

It would appear his work is not only an informed addition to the literature but a rightfully irritated plea for folks to “get it,” to see that drug addiction is a health problem, one that ultimately affects the brain as much as genetics, biology and the environment. For instance, only in recent years has it become more widely known that the drug-addicted brain undergoes actual structural changes that can be specified and studied and targeted with appropriate medicine.

Beyond its significant informational highlights, though, “Clean” is most importantly read as a call for change.

You can check out Sheff’s new book here.

“I should be happier. What is wrong with me?”

During more than 20 years as a psychologist, I have discovered a powerful and destructive force from people’s childhoods that weighs upon them as adults. It saps their joy, and causes them to feel disconnected and unfulfilled. This childhood force goes completely unnoticed while it does its silent damage to people’s lives. In fact, it’s so invisible that it has flown under the radar of not only the general public, but also the mental health profession.

I call this force childhood emotional neglect, and have spent the last two years trying to help people become aware of it, talk about it, and heal from it.

Here’s the definition of childhood emotional neglect (CEN): It’s a parent’s failure to respond enough to a child’s emotional needs.

You can see from this definition why CEN is so hard to detect. Since it’s not a parent’s act but a parent’s failure to act, it’s not an event. It’s not something that happens to a child; it’s something that fails to happen for a child. Therefore, it’s not visible, tangible or memorable.

To further complicate things, it is often caring and loving parents who fail their children this way; parents who mean well, but were emotionally neglected by their own parents.

Here’s one example of how CEN can work:

9-year-old Levi comes home from school feeling upset because he had an argument with his friends. He is feeling a swirl of emotion: hurt that his friends ganged up on him on the playground, embarrassed that he cried in front of them, and mortified that he has to go back to school the next day to face them.

Levi’s parents love him very much. But on this day, they fail to notice that he is upset. They go about the afternoon, and no one says to Levi, “Hey, is something wrong?” Or, “Did something happen at school today?”

This may seem like nothing. Indeed, this happens in every household across the world, and generally it does no great harm. But if it happens with enough depth and breadth throughout Levi’s childhood, that his emotions are not noticed or responded to enough by his parents, he will receive a potent message: that the most deeply personal, biological part of who he is, his emotional self, is irrelevant, even unacceptable.

Levi will take this implicit but powerful message to heart. He will feel deeply, personally invalidated, but he will have no awareness of that feeling or of its cause. He will start to automatically push his feelings away, and to treat them as if they are nothing. He will, as an adult, have difficulty feeling his emotions, understanding them, and using them for the things that emotions are meant to do. He may have difficulty connecting with others, making decisions, or making sense of his own and other people’s behavior. He may feel unworthy or invalid in some indescribable way. He may believe that his own feelings or needs don’t matter.

CEN can take an infinite number of different forms. Levi’s example is only one. But I have noticed a certain pattern of struggles which CEN folks tend to share. The pattern includes feelings of emptiness, difficulty relying upon other people, self-directed anger and blame, and problems with self-discipline, among others.

Because the cause of CEN is so subtle and invisible, many CEN people look back upon a “fine childhood” with loving parents, and see no explanation for why they feel this way. This is why they so often blame themselves for their difficulties, and feel a deep sense of being somehow secretly flawed.

The good news about childhood emotional neglect is that once you become aware of it, it is entirely possible to heal from it. But since CEN is so hard to recognize, it can be quite difficult to see it in your own childhood.

It’s human nature to ask “Why?” — especially when faced with feelings of deep uncertainty and feeling out of control.

Our minds are powerful, and often trick us into believing that if we uncover the answers to all of our “whys,” we will somehow alleviate our pain, creating a buffer against the waters of grief that so often surge during this vulnerable time.

Such was the case for Renee. After having a baby in her 20s, she assumed expanding her family would not be a problem. She was surprised and shocked when her body did not cooperate. After years of trying to conceive, she sought the advice of medical doctors and reproductive endocrinologists only to be told that her infertility was “unexplained.” Hearing this news, she felt her body was broken, and that this was somehow her fault. Even more upsetting, no one could tell her “why.”

Like Renee, for so many women, fertility challenges are a health crisis, not only of the body, but also of the soul. For many of us, we think of starting a family as our birthright, a natural event in the course of our lives. When this belief is challenged, we may be overwhelmed by feelings of confusion, disappointment, and failure. These powerful feelings often lead to automatic, judgmental thoughts about ourselves, fracturing the connection between our heads and our hearts.

There’s good news: Just as our minds play an active role in our suffering, they can also play an active role in our healing. We can cultivate this process through learning and practicing the life skills of mindfulness. Mindfulness means moment-to-moment, nonjudgmental awareness. It is cultivated by refining our capacity to pay attention, intentionally, in the present moment, and then sustaining that attention over time as best we can. Through this process we become more in touch with our life as it is unfolding. Clinically proven to reduce symptoms of stress, anxiety, and depression, mindfulness is being used to help individuals and couples struggling with fertility challenges.

Mindfulness brings to infertility a powerful framework for noticing whatever we are doing in each moment. It allows us to see past the veil of our automatic thoughts and feelings. By observing the whole field of our experience, we become more aware, and this leads to a deeper actuality. We can cultivate this awareness by turning inward and focusing on the breath. Starting where we are, we can breathe in through the heart and out through the belly. If our minds wander (which they may), we can notice what comes up, and then return to the breath.

Through sustained practice, mindfulness becomes a great ally, and combats the myopic thinking often caused by a diagnosis of infertility. Instead of seeing things in such bimodal terms of “all good, or “all bad,” we learn to appreciate the space in between by paying attention to whatever emerges moment to moment.

When we slow down and really pay attention, we birth the stories that map onto our experiences, one after the other. We learn about our own attachments, longings, losses, and disappointments. Regardless of what we have attached to in the past, mindfulness offers the opportunity to begin anew. Through sustained practice, it retrains the mind, laying down the fertile ground for compassion, a natural antidote for suffering.

Sometimes we attach an intergenerational narrative around our fertility. Perhaps our great-grandmother, grandmother, and mother became pregnant with ease, and having repeatedly heard these stories, we are certain this too, will be our path. When the fertility narrative does not unfold as we historically have been told, judgment erupts. Too often we beat ourselves up, convinced that we must be doing something wrong, and that we are somehow inadequate or broken.

One form of mindfulness is Metta meditation. Metta means loving-kindness. Repeating words and phrases, Metta meditation offers loving and kind actions to ourselves, other beings in our lives, as well as to the universe. Metta meditation can calm the deepest of worries and fears, offering a renewed sense of well-being. We can start with four simple phrases:

May you be happy.
May you be healthy.
May you be free.
May you love yourself unconditionally, just the way you are.

Through Metta meditation, we can turn inward, reconnecting with a sense of kindness for ourselves. Compassion births generosity and acceptance, and offers a wider lens through which to view our experiences. Metta meditation allows us to “be” with ourselves, just as we are. It’s the music that quiets the critical voices that spiral through our minds.

When we honor our experiences, moment-to-moment, what was once inconceivable often becomes tolerable. We realize that everything is temporary, including our suffering. And by simply noticing, our fears shrink, our hearts expand, and empathy grows. Through this practice, time and again, we connect with a new sense of ourselves. Embodying kindness and wholeheartedness, we realize that our stories are just our stories, ever-evolving narratives, being created one word and one moment at a time.

But, not surprisingly, expressing your creativity, whether through penning poetry, painting or opening up an Etsy shop, can be incredibly challenging during the early years of motherhood. Your days fly by, a blur of feedings, fatigue, mood fluctuations, swelling to-do lists and profound love for your little one.

In The Creative Mother’s Guide, Hersey, who has five kids herself, shares a variety of valuable tips and other mothers’ stories on living a creative life when your kids are young.

For instance, Hersey encourages moms to experiment with a multitude of creative pursuits. She defines creativity as “using your body and mind to make something that wouldn’t otherwise exist—something that in some way speaks to who you are, and perhaps speaks to other people as well.”

If your main medium is writing, consider other activities that you enjoy doing as well, writes Hersey, also host of the blog Studio Mothers. This gives moms additional opportunities for expressing their creativity – and helps them strengthen their creativity muscles in general.

Hersey also suggests moms have a portable creativity kit so you can create anywhere. For instance, when you’re sitting on a park bench and your baby slumbers in his or her stroller, you can sketch your surroundings or jot down your thoughts in a journal. When you’re waiting for a doctor’s appointment, you can read your favorite book of poetry, and write a few lines of your own.

Your kit might include anything from a sketchbook to pencils to needlepoint to a digital audio recorder for talking or singing. An iPhone camera also counts.

When gathering your supplies, Hersey recommends considering these questions: “What kinds of things do you like to do that lend themselves to going on the road? What media are easy to take out and easy to put away? Are there things that you like to do on a large scale that can be broken into portable elements? What can you ‘practice’ on short notice?”

Another important tip is to stop waiting to create. Don’t put off your creative practices until you have a long period of time. It’s rare that you’ll have a stretch of several hours to paint a big piece or play the piano.

But you will have pockets of time. Hersey suggests “creating in the middle of things.” So you might have a few minutes to jot down ideas for your painting or to listen to your favorite classical works.

Consider what creative activities you can do in five to 30 minutes. Write your list on an index card, and keep it in a visible spot. According to Hersey, this can include anything from practicing several yoga poses to spending 15 minutes in the garden to free-writing.

The other key is to avoid beating yourself up, according to Hersey. Don’t criticize your progress or the quality of your current work. Take it easy. Celebrate what you are able to do.

Hersey likened creating during the early years of motherhood to being an elite runner sidelined by an injury. She writes:

Maybe you can’t go out and run a 20-mile loop right now, but you can do calisthenics, practice yoga, and swim. None of those things will satisfy you as much as running, but they will keep you in shape enough that you won’t be starting from scratch when you get the doctor’s green light to run again. Staying in shape helps you to remember who you are: a runner. You haven’t given up on running; you’re just taking a break right now because you have to. It’s pointless to beat yourself up about it. Wishing things were different won’t hasten the healing process, so the best thing you can do is focus on keeping up your fitness level as well as you can.

Creating when your kids are very young is tough. But it is possible. Lace up your shoes, and take the first step.

Learn more about living a creative life as a mom in this piece.

If you’re a mom, what’s helped you in living a creative life? What are your favorite ways to express your creativity?

“A young girl’s traumatic event may have triggered her inherited undiagnosed mental illness. The Turned Leaf follows one woman’s struggle with a mental illness, the effect it has on her and her loved ones. This drama is infused with modern dance , video elements, modern song and digs deep into the heart of the illness. ”

Below is a brief synopsis of how she came to write the play and what she hopes to accomplish with it.

Walking on eggshells is not just a phrase to me. It is a living, breathing entity where one false step can have catastrophic repercussions. I grew up with a mother who could literally turn on a dime and what set her off is, to this day, a mystery. I have spent my life trying to reconcile the fact that it is the illness which I hate and the mother’s heart which I love.

Those lines recently blurred when her blind rage attack sent my father to move in with me and my husband. This is what prompted me to write The Turned Leaf.

Growing up I never knew what was the truth or a made-up truth to cover the hurt but throughout the years a pattern prevailed. The Turned Leaf is based off of some moments of lucidity and by putting together pieces of a very abstract puzzle.

She is undiagnosed. She is untreated. She is miserable. And she is lonely.

The Turned Leaf is ultimately a love letter to my mother’s heart, and may help to shed an understanding light into mental illness, the demon within, and how it may have gotten there.

The Turned Leaf will be performed at the NewBridge Theatre Company in Hastings, Minn. May 16-18 and May 23-25, 2013.

However, losing a mom has a powerful effect on young adult daughters. In her research, Bhatia found that a daughter’s sense of identity is especially shaken. “They don’t know what being a woman is all about.”

Daughters also doubt their own role as mothers. “Most motherless daughters are very insecure about how well they could mother without their mothers’ advice, support and reassurance.”

Cultural identity is affected, as well. As kids and teens, many daughters are too busy with school and other activities to focus on their traditions, Bhatia said. They assume they’ll be able to learn from their moms in the future. But once their mothers pass away, they “find they don’t have anyone to learn from.”

Many daughters feel like orphans, Bhatia said. Fathers may become “absent and withdrawn, and are unable to tend to their [children’s] emotional needs.” Moms typically form the foundation of the family. They “take care of everyone and keep the family together. If there is a conflict, mom is the mediator.” So when mothers pass away, the family can fall apart. To regain their family’s stability, daughters set aside their own grief and assume their mother’s role.

Motherless daughters also can experience a persistent grief for years, which peaks during milestones, like their own pregnancy and post-delivery. “When you become a mother yourself you want to be mothered,” Bhatia said.

Daughters who didn’t have good relationships with their moms still experience a profound grief. They grieve for what could’ve been. “They grieve for the opportunity to improve their relationship,” Bhatia said.

Motherless daughters may have problems with their other relationships. They tend to feel especially distant from their peers, because of both “jealousy and lack of commonality.”

“In intimate relationships, motherless daughters are far more needy because they’re trying to fill that void. They try to find in their intimate partners that nurturing that they used to get from their moms.” They’re also not able to give much back to their partners, which causes resentment.

To prevent this, Bhatia suggested motherless daughters gain insight into their behaviors and “utilize other resources to gain that nurturing, such as a friend or maternal figure.” Individual and couples counseling also can help.

Below, Bhatia shared other suggestions for motherless daughters to cope healthfully with their loss.

1. Carry on your mom’s traditions.

Instead of solely focusing on your loss, incorporate the traditions you grew up with into your own life, Bhatia said. If you’re a mother, this also is a great way to teach your kids about their grandmother, she said.

2. Participate in fundraising efforts.

Helping others who are in a similar situation can be a tribute to your mom, Bhatia said. For instance, if your mom passed away from cancer, you might participate in events sponsored by the American Cancer Society, or make a yearly financial contribution.

3. Create a collage.

A collage is a tangible tool for retaining your connection with your mom, according to Bhatia. It’s a way for you to see her every day and feel her presence, she said. “Instead of forcing yourself to disconnect and get over your loss, what’s more helpful is to hold onto your memories and keep those connections.”

4. Accept your different identity.

Again, a mother’s passing is a powerful loss, which can change your identity. Bhatia wants readers to know that this is OK. It’s OK if you’re different today. “Allow yourself the opportunity to explore different prospects without the approval of your mom.” If your mom wasn’t supportive of your career or life choices in the past, “understand that as time progresses, things change. [Your] mom’s opinions would’ve evolved, as well.” For many daughters, their image of mom stays static, she said, but people naturally change over time.

5. Participate in support groups.

Many motherless daughters feel like they don’t fit in and can’t relate to their peers, Bhatia said. Talking with women who’ve also lost their moms and share similar experiences reminds you that you’re not alone. It helps you connect with others, create a sense of belonging and build a support system.

6. Find a maternal figure.

For instance, you might become close with one of your mom’s friends, who are often very similar to your mom, Bhatia said. And you might learn more about your mom, she said. “When you’re not able to do that, seek out older females who might help to guide you – almost like a maternal surrogate.”

7. Seek individual or family therapy.

For the participants in Bhatia’s study, individual therapy was incredibly helpful in processing their mother’s passing. Family therapy also is helpful for daughters, dads and siblings to process their grief and be honest with each other in a supportive environment, Bhatia said.

Coping on Mother’s Day

Naturally, Mother’s Day can be especially hard for motherless daughters. “Many motherless moms don’t celebrate the day and deprive themselves of that opportunity,” Bhatia said. They may feel guilty for celebrating without their mothers.

Bhatia encouraged daughters to celebrate the day and enjoy the appreciation of their families. This “reflects the fruits of their own mothers’ labor and thus honors them, for they wouldn’t be the mothers they are without that strong primary attachment.”

Also, motherless daughters can continue to buy a card for their moms, she said. In it, they can express what they truly want to say to their moms and reconnect in a meaningful way.

As Bhatia said, “just because your mom is gone, it doesn’t mean you’ve lost your attachment or connection to her. Your mom will always be there to help you navigate through life.”

Maybe they’re being secretive and have even stolen money from your wallet. Maybe their physical appearance has changed with rapid weight loss or red eyes. Maybe you’ve noticed a change in their sleep habits, energy level and mood. Maybe you’ve actually found marijuana or other drugs in their room.

Naturally, the thought and possible confirmation of your child using drugs trigger a rush and range of emotions: anger, frustration, disappointment, sadness, fear.

If you think your child is using drugs, how do you approach them? Where do you start?

Two parenting experts shared their insight below.

1. Be direct and calm.

“This issue is too serious for subtlety,” said John Duffy, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist and author of the book The Available Parent: Radical Optimism for Raising Teens and Tweens. He suggested readers approach their kids “directly and immediately.”

Avoid letting your anger and frustration spill over into the conversation. According to Lisa Kaplin, Psy.D, a psychologist and life coach who teaches parenting classes, “The best way to approach your child is with delicacy, not drama. If you approach them with panic, anger, aggression or accusations, you can be sure your child will tell you absolutely nothing.”

Yelling, threatening and lecturing your child typically leads them to withdraw, sneak around and lie, she said.

Duffy also suggested approaching your child “from an emotional space of genuine concern for well-being.” He understands that being calm and centered is a lot to ask of parents. “But it is, without a doubt, the approach that works best in my experience.”

It’s common for kids to deny their drug use, or to respond casually (e.g.,” It’s just pot, and I don’t smoke it that often, anyway”). If this happens, “give a brief response in which you tell them that you do not want them to use drugs of any kind,” Kaplin said. Reiterate your house rules about drugs and alcohol use and “the consequences that come with that behavior.”

2. Talk when your child is lucid.

Don’t try to have a serious conversation when your child is drunk or high, Duffy said. “This might seem like common sense, but I have worked with many parents who have attempted to lecture an inebriated teenager.”

3. Ask open-ended questions.

It’s more likely that your child will be honest, and talk about their drug use if you ask open-ended questions. According to Kaplin, these are several examples: “Can you tell me more about that?  How did you feel in that situation? What will you do if that happens again? How can I help you with this?”

If your child admits to using drugs, again, “ask them with open-ended, non-judgmental questions about what drugs they have used, how often, and if they plan on using again.” You also can ask “for their input on how to proceed.”

4. Don’t punish your child.

Avoid punishing your kids, Duffy said. It rarely works. For instance, “Taking a cell phone away will never keep a drug user away from using.”

5. Show your support.

If your child reveals their drug use, “Thank [them] for being honest with you,” Kaplin said. Let them know that you’re “here to help them. Tell them you love them.”

6. Get your child treatment.

It’s key to take your child to see a qualified therapist who specializes in working with teens and young adults. When talking about professional help, don’t negotiate with your child, or take “no” for an answer, Duffy said.

Instead be brief, firm and clear, he said. Duffy gave the following example of what you might say to your child: “It is clear to us that you have been using something, and we are really concerned for your safety. As your safety is our domain as Mom and Dad, we are going to pull rank here and schedule an appointment for someone for you, and all of us, to talk to about this issue.”

Depending on the situation, you can “give [your child] options regarding therapists or treatment centers,” Kaplin said.

Even if your child is over 18 years old, Duffy suggested having a similar conversation. While you can’t force your older child to attend therapy, you can leverage other things, such as your financial position, he said.

It’s also important to get clear on your limits, communicate them to your adult child and follow through, Kaplin said. For instance, “can your child still live with you if they’re using drugs? If not, when must they leave and will you help them with treatment or other living arrangements?”

Knowing your child is possibly using drugs is stressful, scary and painful. And it can be incredibly hard to have a calm conversation. If you feel yourself losing control, take a break, and return when you’ve cooled off. Whether your child admits to using drugs or not, having them see a qualified therapist is critical.

Further Reading

Here’s more on symptoms of teen substance abuse, what parents can do, and reasons your child might use drugs and how to help them.

With social media a major part of teens’ lives, it’s important they have a healthy relationship with the Internet. What does this look like?

According to Udall-Weiner, it resembles any healthy relationship: It has boundaries.

It also shouldn’t have to meet all their needs, including emotional, social, intellectual and spiritual, she said. For instance, sites like Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest should never replace face-to-face interactions, she said. Instead, they should supplement them. That’s because online interactions lack the emotional depth and support of real-time relationships. “…[I]t’s hard to know whether someone is trustworthy, loyal, and invested in your well-being.”

The Internet also lets people keep a comfortable distance from others. Udall-Weiner cited MIT professor Sherry Turkle, who believes the Internet provides “the illusion of companionship, without the demands of friendship,” and “people are comforted by being in touch with a lot of people, whom they also keep at bay.”

Fortunately, parents can teach their kids to use the Internet in healthy ways. Below, Udall-Weiner shared five strategies.

What Parents Can Do

In Udall-Weiner’s experience, parents approach Internet use with extremes: “they either prohibit it, or they pretend it doesn’t exist, since they’re quite terrified to find out what their child is really doing online.” Instead, she suggested communicating with your kids and teaching them to be more aware of how they use the Internet.

1. Talk to your teen about their time online.

Talking to your kids about how they use social media and technology helps them break out of autopilot and become more mindful of their actions and reactions, Udall-Weiner said. “[This] is an important skill when it comes to developing emotional competence.” It’s important for teens to understand how being online affects them (such as their mood).

She suggested asking your kids these questions: “Which websites do you often visit?  How do you feel emotionally, both during and after using these sites? Have you ever had any uncomfortable experiences online, or seen anything upsetting? Do you believe that there are any downsides to viewing the sites you regularly visit, or to using the Internet in general?”

2. Teach your teen to be media literate.

A mistake parents often make, according to Udall-Weiner, is that they don’t teach their kids about media literacy. But it’s vital for kids to understand that what they see isn’t what they get online. For instance, “Parents need to actively remind their children that images are not reality—that no one is as thin, perfectly-muscled, unwrinkled, or flawless as that person in the ad.” She suggested visiting Media Smarts for more information.

3. Set time limits on Internet use.

Teens are still developing their executive functions, which include monitoring behavior, organizing information and setting goals, she said. Plus, spending too much time on sites like Facebook can make teens feel worse. “My clients regularly tell me that they become very upset after looking at Facebook, since everyone looks happier, thinner, or more popular than they feel.” So parents might need to set restrictions on Internet use.

4. Surrender all phones before bedtime.

“This is a way to ensure that kids aren’t up late texting or surfing the web, rather than getting precious sleep,” Udall-Weiner said. This rule also applies to parents’ phones, “since kids emulate what they see.”

5. Know the research about Internet use.

Research has suggested that looking at images of thin models — which are splashed all over the Internet — may be associated with various negative consequences. “After seeing these images, people report things like decreased self-esteem, poor body image, depression, guilt, shame, stress, and an urge to engage in eating-disordered behavior, such as restricting food intake,” said Udall-Weiner. She also specializes in body image and eating disorders and founded ED Educate, a website with resources for parents.

Research also has suggested that the Internet makes us feel more disconnected from others, she said. “It’s important for teens to know the research on Internet use.” Talk to your kids about these findings.

Udall-Weiner shares more information and tips on supervising your child’s Internet use in this video.

“You and Dad sit over there”, she commanded. “Now, my brother and I are going to be the father and mother you are the day care center.”

With that, the two of them brought us a couple of dolls, kissed them goodbye and went to the next room.

“What happens next?” I called.

“Oh, you play with the babies and then we go to work for awhile and come back and give you a check.”

“And what are you doing at work?” By now I’m curious about where this is going.

“We talk to people and do stuff and get tired.”

With that, they came back in the room, handed us “checks” made of some coupons I had lying around and took their babies off for bath time and stories.

It was hard for my husband and me not to laugh. They were so serious about it. Ahh. A kids’-eye view of adult life. We go do something mysterious at this thing called work, get tired, and then collect them and real life begins again. That was my first indication that maybe we needed to tell our kids a little bit more about the work that took us away from them all day.

Tomorrow, April 25th, is the 20th anniversary of Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day, a day that encourages parents to do exactly that. Started in 1993 as a “Take Our Daughters to Work Day,” it was originally intended to show girls opportunities that had been closed off to women and to inspire young girls to see themselves as having the potential to reach whatever professional dreams they had. By 2003, it was expanded to include our sons as it was understood that the boys, too, needed to have the experience of seeing what their parents did for work.

Many companies now have incorporated this annual event into the company culture. Employers see involvement in the day as a way to support their workers in balancing work with family life and to invest in the workforce of the future.

One special day a year, parents are invited to bring their children to work to sit at desks, follow their parents around the office or plant or store, and maybe have lunch in the company break room or cafeteria. The kids get to see where their parents spend their day and to meet some of their colleagues. Most important, they get to see up close what their parents’ work involves.

It’s an opportunity for parents and others in the workplace to show kids that education pays off and to talk to them about what it takes for someone to reach their potential and to be successful. Further, it provides a way for parents and adult mentors to talk to children about how work supports the family and how it is an integral part of adult life.

Those of us who work in human services can’t let our kids shadow our day due to very real concerns about confidentiality and privacy for our clients. But we can still celebrate the day by engaging our children in conversation about our work and perhaps by describing in general terms what a typical day looks like. When clients aren’t scheduled, we can still bring our children to the office to see what it looks like, let them sit in our chairs and perhaps meet our support staff. My younger daughter told me recently that it made her feel very grown up the day she came to my office when she was 10 and talked to me seriously about my journey to become a therapist.

Whatever we do for a living, Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day provides a reason to sit down with our kids and demystify our work life.

My children are grown now. They too now go off to work, talk to people and do stuff and get tired. Like their dad and me, they also know the rewards of doing something they are passionate about that supports themselves and their families. I hope when their children are old enough to participate,Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day will continue to be celebrated to help them empower their children also to reach for their professional dreams.

But do you know what else kids need parents for? Want to guess? Whatever you’re thinking is probably true, but I doubt it’s the answer I’m thinking of.

Kids need parents to restrict their freedom.

What?! That sounds like heresy in a freedom-loving culture.

Shouldn’t we all have freedom to follow our desires? To do what we want? To venture down the road we find most appealing? Isn’t that what our social movements (civil rights, women’s movement, gay liberation) have been about? Remove the restrictions! We want the freedom to indulge in our inclinations!

So why not kids? Why shouldn’t kids participate fully in the freedom movement? And, especially during the teen years, why shouldn’t parents capitulate to their kids’ desires?

Here’s why: To live in a world with few external restrictions, you need to have the ability to say “no” to your momentary impulses and passions. And kids (except for the most conscientious kids) do not have that ability.

Left to their own devices, how many kids do you know who will choose to eat a healthy meal over devouring dessert for dinner? How many do you know who would choose to do homework rather than indulge in video games? How many do you know who would voluntarily say “it’s time for me to go to sleep”?

The dream of “freedom from” works only if you know how to handle the “freedom to” part. You may think you’re really lucky if you have total freedom. But if you’re unable to create a viable balance between freedom and restraint, you’re not lucky at all. Witness all the grossly obese people, the crazy-in-debt people, the chronically sleep-deprived people, the addicted people. And these are adults who should have more control over their impulses than kids.

So what happens when kids are free to do as they please? Do you think their nobler instincts typically triumph over their baser ones? If so, you are a dreamer. For most kids have no idea how to handle an excess of freedom, even though they’re demanding it.

It’s natural for kids to lobby for fewer restrictions. And it’s natural for parents to ease up on restraints as kids get older. But if parents make a wholesale capitulation to endless and insistent demands for more freedom, the results typically are appalling.

Here’s the end result when kids get to run the household: They eat only what they want to eat. They watch an inordinate amount of TV. They play an endless amount of video games. They go to sleep when they damn well please. They cuss out their parents. They don’t take care of their things. They demand that their parents buy them whatever they want. They have no frustration tolerance. Their wants become their needs. Their needs must be met. Their needs supersede everyone else’s.

And that’s just a description of pre-adolescent behavior. Once adolescence hits, teens without restraints command the household, defining their most outrageous activity as acceptable because it could always be worse:

“I can’t get up today; I’m too tired. I’m not going to school. Get out of my room and leave me alone!”

“I’m having a keg party this weekend. I don’t care if I’m underage. You know it’s better if I drink at home than to be out on the street drinking.”

“Yes, I’m hooking up with a lot of girls. That’s good. You always told me not to get serious with any one girl ’til I’m older.”

“It’s only pot. I could be using heroin or cocaine like lots of other kids.”

Kids need parents to restrict their freedom, to narrow their choices and to put pressure on them to meet their obligations. Kids may not appreciate all this restraint. But they need it. And parents need to step up to the plate and provide it, even when it’s so much easier to just give in to the incessant complaining and demanding.

But 11 years after the first insomniac was born, I’m still exhausted, as I am convinced he emerged from my womb with no need of sleep, and then his sister two years later with the same curse. I’m not sure how it happened, being that I’ve always needed eight hours of sleep to stay sane.

The last two months there has been a lot of cussing in our house after 8 p.m., when we begin the rituals. In desperation I headed to my shelf of expert advice to see if any nuggets in there would apply, or at least not nauseate me. I came away empty-handed. Great intentions. Perfect principles. Wise stuff. Just not going to work on my rebels, who defy traditional rules and procedures.

So I’m back to threatening. However, threatening, itself, can be complicated, and deserves its own guidelines.

Here are my two cents on how to threaten effectively. These are not principles that will foster healthy sleep habits. They will merely get you a few days of sleep if you are like me, in the state of emergency. Experts aren’t big on Band-aids. I am.

1. Prep the threat.

My fundamental mistake in releasing a threat is not being totally prepared. In an impatient huff, I might blurt out something stupid like, “If you don’t go to sleep, I’m going to … going to … going to …,” brainstorming about which option is best, at which point my two devious offspring start laughing. The result is that they do not take future threats seriously, and I have lost all negotiating power (which effective parents don’t need because they don’t have to negotiate with their kids) because I didn’t think through the bribe before opening my trap in a premature fit.

2. Specify the threat.

Threats should be like legal documents. Hell, you could get out a piece of paper with all the specifications written down and, instead of them pinky-swearing, you could get a signature. The more detailed the better because kids who don’t sleep tend to be smart and manipulative. So when I take away the family iPad from my daughter, she finds a computer in the house and starts surfing YouTube or making videos of herself. When we take that away, she grabs one of our iPhones and downloads an app where she can try out new hairstyles on stick-skinny chicks. If she can’t find those, she’ll steal her brother’s iPod and start uploading photos to his Instagram. I should have stipulated that ALL electronics are banned, that she has to do something really radical like read a book or use pencil and paper and draw.

3. Time the threat.

Just as important as the content of the threat is the delivery: in particular, when you deliver the threat. I’ve found that when my insomniacs are overly tired and irrational they can’t hear a word I say, even if I’m yelling. Therefore, it’s best to wait until breakfast, when I will say very calmly that they have lost electronics for the day or until they learn how to calm themselves down and go to bed without making visits to our room or to a sibling’s room in the middle of the night, sleepwalking, singing Macklemore’s song lyrics, “I’m gonna pop some tags,” or perfecting Anna Kendrick’s cup act in “Pitch Perfect.”

Threatening is not easy. So hopefully these guidelines assist you in reaching for a wide Band-aid and a few nights’ sleep before you have to come up with an entirely different set of new threats. Good luck!

Some people believe that humiliation is a good teacher. You gotta learn. You must not forget. You will be punished if you don’t do it right. Humiliation will make a lesson stick.

These folks are right — humiliation is a good teacher.

But the lesson you learn is not what the teacher is intending. You don’t learn to do things better. You don’t learn to upgrade your skills. You don’t learn to trust your ability to learn.

What you do learn, instead, is to:

• Embrace rigidity. “I can’t do this. No way. No how.”

• Play it safe. “I’ll just make a fool of myself so I’m sticking to the tried and true.”
• Shirk responsibility. “It’s too hard for me; you have to do it for me.”
• Develop a fixed perspective. “I’ve never been any good at this and I never will be.”

Yes, humiliation throws cold water on the joy of learning and shuts down the joy of risk-taking. Indeed, a single dose of humiliation in a vulnerable child can lead to a belief that “I can’t do it,” while a regular dose of humiliation will profoundly cripple a child’s belief in himself and in his ability to learn. “I’m dumb. I’m stupid. I’m no good. And don’t try to convince me otherwise.”

If you’ve been exposed to the debilitating effects of humiliation, it’s time to rectify the damage that has been done. Here’s what you must do:

• Know that there’s nothing immutable about what you know and don’t know. All you can honestly say is that you don’t know how to do something yet. Put the time and effort into it, and you’ll be surprised at what you can learn.

• A mistake is not a felony. And it’s certainly not deserving of capital punishment. The most you can say is, it’s a misdemeanor or an oops! Just an error. Something that slipped your mind. Something you forgot because you were distracted. Next time you make a mistake, don’t agonize over it. Instead, acknowledge it. Fix it (if you can). Learn from it. Move on to your next challenge.
• Keep stretching. Keep reaching. Keep learning. Make new mistakes; it means your mind is active. You have not given up on yourself. You are not content to live within a comfort zone the size of a postage stamp. No, that’s not for you. It’s a big wide world out there, with lots of things to learn. You want to be a part of the world. Not apart from the world.
• No matter how much you learn, how much you know, there will be stuff you don’t know. This is not proof of your stupidity. It is not something to be ashamed of. It is simply life. We cannot know it all.
• When you don’t know what to do, improvise. That’s what everybody else is doing (whether they admit it or not). Make it up on the spot. Sometimes it will work out well. Sometimes it won’t. That’s the nature of life.
• When something intrigues you, go for it. Don’t tell yourself “I’m no good at this.” Take up the challenge. Put in the hard work. Ask for assistance. Tolerate the discomfort. And watch yourself bloom.

Whatever humiliating experiences you have had in the past, do not let them continue to define you today. Right now, this moment, this very moment, before you put this article down, say something that gives homage to who you are and what you’re about. If whatever you say brings a smile to your face or warmth to your inner being, you know you’ve chosen the right words.

It could be argued that, if we grow up healthily, we are encouraged to question the world.

Ideally, we would be taught to form our own opinions and respect other people’s opinions, but not necessarily subscribe to them. However, if we aren’t encouraged to question things, if we are told lies by adults we look up to and trust, we’ll probably learn to follow what we are told. We will learn to think as we have been told and act on this information without questioning its validity.

Take this all-too-familiar scenario: Mary’s third marriage is coming to an end. She’s depressed and angry at herself for ‘ruining’ another marriage. She tells me that the same thing happened in the last two marriages, which proves that she’s a useless person and terrible wife.

For one, she’s incorrect because she’s globally rating herself as useless, and that’s irrational. Second, she’s taking all the blame, another thinking error. It doesn’t take much questioning to find out that her mother left her father when she was 3 years old, and her father told Mary that her mother left because of her. It was all her fault!

Really? It doesn’t take a genius to see how utterly crazy and untruthful that comment is. Yet, because Mary was told this by a significant authority figure, and was too young to cognitively question the irrationality of that statement, she internalized it. The lie became her truth. It was because of her that her mother left. End of story.

This type of internalized irrational belief can be devastating to a child’s life and growth. Just imagine: You’re 3 years old and you have the power to push a grown woman away from her husband and family. You somehow make it impossible for two adults to support each other. You make it impossible for them to manage a small child. You even have the power to prevent them from asking for help from others, if they so need it. Wow! That’s power.

Now imagine taking that belief into every relationship you go into. As soon as it looks like the other person might be moving away from you, that familiar, irrational belief kicks in. “They absolutely must not leave me. I can’t bear it if they leave me, because it means nobody will ever love me again.”

You’ll probably react one of three ways:

1. Desperately hold on. Beg and promise to do anything the other person wants as long as they stay.
2. Withdraw and let them leave because you know it’s inevitable
3. Go look for a carving knife, because you’re not letting them leave – ever.

None of those solutions will work in the long run. To move on, somebody like Mary needs to understand that her thinking is at error here. The irrational belief she’s cultivated since she was a child is what drives her in all her relationships. It’s unhealthy and destructive.

To change this behavior pattern, she’ll need to uncover that old belief, and figure out a new, healthy way to think. Once she’s done that, and practiced the new rational belief over and over, the next time she starts a relationship she’ll be on stronger footing. It probably will give her an opportunity to make better, informed decisions about her future relationships.

It’s all too easy for a lie to be taken as truth, but it still doesn’t mean it’s true.

There aren’t many jobs we sign up for in life where the stakes are as high as they are in parenting. We are suddenly required to be on call 24/7 without prior training, schooling, or mentoring. No matter how many books we have read, or how many children we have spent time with, we enter this job mostly ignorant of what it entails. Living outside of parenting and observing it is unfathomably different than living inside of it.

In our culture we like to “know” what we are doing. We read books, we do research, we seek control over our lives in myriad ways.

Good parenting, however, requires “don’t-know mind.” It is a letting go of preconceived ideas and a letting go of the notion that we have control over how things are.

While we might want to enter parenting with our answers in place, how can we know the answers before we have been “in” the experience? Parenting is a moment-to-moment dynamic relationship that involves environmental and situational variables as well as the child’s and parent’s ideas, thoughts, sensations and feelings.

As author Laura Davis put it:

As much as we might like to enter parenthood with all our answers, techniques, and strategies in place, doing so would mean building a system that fails to include the input of our children. Our ability to stay open, adaptable, and responsive necessitates that we don’t start with all the answers but that we dedicate ourselves to figuring them out along the way. (p. 27)

When we come from a place of certainty, we are not receptive to what stands outside of our preconceived ideas. If we enter parenting with a rigid stance about how things should be, we not only leave out the variable of who our children are and who they are becoming, but we cloud our ability to allow our children and our experience to be our teachers.

In human development, stasis means something has gone awry. It is an undesirable state. Growth and development can be derailed both by certainty and by the anxiety that can accompany doubt. Don’t be certain, don’t be in doubt? Then what guidelines should we follow? Here is where the teaching of “don’t-know mind” can be particularly useful. As the Buddhist teacher Suzuki Roshi said:

“Not-knowing does not mean you don’t know.” Not-knowing means not being limited by what we know, holding what we know lightly so that we are ready for it to be different. Maybe things are this way. But maybe they are not. (Quoted by Gil Fronsdale)

And as Fronsdale put it:

“The practice of not-knowing needs to be distinguished from confusion and debilitating doubt. Confusion is not a virtue: the confused person is somewhat lost and removed from life. With doubt, the mind is agitated or contracted with hesitation and indecision. These mind states tend to obscure rather than clarify.”

Fronsdale adds that while doubt and uncertainty are involuntary states, “don’t-know mind” is a conscious practice in which: “(We)…cultivate an ability to meet life without preconceived ideas, interpretations, or judgments.”

The wish to know is a natural human tendency. Having a path in mind is helpful since it highlights when we have veered away from the things that are most important to us. But holding our beliefs lightly, being willing to sit with the discomfort of not knowing may be equally important.

Babies seek to learn and grow even in the absence of our “stimulating” them. They learn from experience and are constantly experimenting with different ways of making sense of the world. Perhaps our challenge is to be more childlike ourselves, letting each new moment be different from the last, full of surprise, wonder, and sometimes fogginess.

Try these exercises to help you with don’t-know mind:

1. Notice thoughts of certainty as they arise and see if you can soften the edges. Try to remain open to the possibility of things being different and allowing your beliefs to shift.
2. Spend a few minutes observing a baby, witnessing their receptivity and openness to learning and growth.

References

Davis, L. (1997). Becoming the Parent You Want To Be: A Sourcebook of Strategies for the First Five Years.

Fronsdal, G. Not-Knowing – Adapted from a public talk February 2004

It’s especially helpful if you’re raising a child who’s under 5. As Neff writes, “Raising infants and toddlers, with their constant need for supervision, picky food habits, tantrums, not to mention dirty diapers, has to be one of the most challenging jobs around.”

In Self-Compassion, Neff shares the work of Australian psychologist Rebecca Coleman, Ph.D. Coleman has developed a parenting program called Mindful Awareness Parenting (MAP). It teaches parents mindfulness and self-compassion skills and helps them make good decisions in tough situations.

Neff explains that MAP also teaches parents to empathize with their kids, and help them nurture their kids’ needs.

Specifically, in order to respond to your child’s needs, it’s important to be fully present — body and mind. This helps you build a secure attachment, the best kind of connection you can have with your child. According to Coleman on her website:

“Children learn about themselves by the way we communicate with them. For children between birth and five years this is mostly non-verbal, so they need to see our eyes & face which mirror that they are worthy of our kind attention, love & delight. Our loving presence enables our children to experience being protected and understood which builds their confidence and trust in life. Fifty years of research supports the long-term benefits of having a secure attachment relationship with Parents and Caregivers. Secure attachment is formed when we sensitively and consistently respond to our child’s relationship needs with strength and kindness (‘tuned in’ or ‘attuned’). When we are preoccupied with the past or worried about the future (in ‘automatic pilot’), we are physically present with our children but are mentally absent. Children do not need us to be fully available all the time, but they do need our presence during connecting interactions. This includes needing to be welcomed by us when frightened or supported to explore their environment when curious (attachment & exploration needs).”

Mindfulness and self-compassion also help to repair your relationship when you inevitably make mistakes. Coleman writes:

“Being a Mindful Parent means having intention in our actions so we can purposefully choose our behaviour with our child’s emotional & social well-being in mind. Parental self-compassion helps our children to learn that perfection is not the goal and rewards are not just for perfect jobs. Repairing relationship disconnections is the key to being a ‘Good Enough’ Parent, which basically means making mistakes with our children and knowing how to fix them. With mindfulness & self-compassion we can repair relationship disconnections with our children, which is a crucial aspect of developing secure attachment relationships with our children.
”

Helping Your Child Express His or Her Feelings

When their kids have an outburst, many parents give them a “time-out.” Neff, however, suggests giving your kids a “time-in.” In her book she includes a helpful exercise based on Coleman’s MAP protocol. It aims to help your child process “big feelings,” such as a tantrum or crying.

When kids misbehave, sometimes it’s because they’re seeking support and connection, Neff explains. This exercise helps you connect to your child and teaches them to express their emotions healthfully.

According to Neff, this exercise “allows your child’s feelings to ‘be felt’ and accepted. It shows your child that you are willing to help him and that your love means you will be welcoming and accepting of his emotions – even difficult ones.”

Neff gives the following suggestions for creating a “time-in”:

• First, make sure you’re calm yourself. This way, you can truly tend to your child’s needs. If you’re not, tell your child that you’ll need 10 seconds to calm down.
• Have a specific spot for “time-in,” like a chair or cushion you can move throughout the house. Both you and your child will sit there.
• Invite your child to come to this spot. “If he is emotionally out of control and presents a danger to others, he may need help getting there.”
• Keep your tone “firm, reassuring and kind.” Be sensitive and sympathetic. Try to be present, in the moment.
• Observe your child closely and try to figure out the feelings and meaning beneath their behavior.
• Help your child describe their feelings when they’re finally relatively calm. Neff suggests saying something like: “You look like you’re struggling with this …” or “This looks hard for you; are you angry/afraid/sad?”
• Wait for your answer, and listen intently. “Acknowledge and accept the answer (or lack thereof).”
• Share your own feelings, using sentences such as “When you did _______, I felt _______ (emotion) arising in me.” Try to convey your feelings in a straightforward but non-blaming way.
• When your child is calm, help them find another activity to do, or continue with your plans, such as eating dinner or going to bed.

Learn more about Kristin Neff and her work here. Also, for information on parenting and mindfulness, check out our popular Psych Central blog Mindful Parenting.