So let’s say you are in a long-term relationship with the guy or girl of your dreams. Or, let’s say you are trying to rekindle an old relationship or you’re in a situation with someone whom you have a lot of history with, but you keep sensing some things just aren’t the same. In many ways it may seem that a lot of stuff from the past no longer exists in your relationship and you wonder if you can ever go back.

Yes, relationships change, shift, flip flop, tables turn, hearts get broken, trust gets lost, betrayal happens and we still find it in our hearts to stay true to our commitments. Or, we realize we love someone enough to overlook the past and to stay together.

But, sometimes when things don’t quite fall back into the way they were, we panic. We worry that maybe this is the end, or that this was really not meant to be, and that we should move on. We fear that the change means that something really great was lost.

Just because the present doesn’t mimic the past doesn’t mean all is lost.

See, we live in a world where we want certain things to last forever. We rekindle but something is amiss. We miss the way it used to be, the way it used to feel. One of the problems is that we are even sold this view of “happily ever after,” which if we think about it, we know is an unfortunate fallacy. The reason being is that change is the only constant, right? We’ve all heard that saying … change is the only thing we can count on.

Often times, things change for the better. Some things change for the better, some things change for the worse. Sometimes we like the new things happening in our relationship and/or in our partner. We like the newfound responsibility, or self care, but maybe we miss the old camaraderie, the way we used to run around like kids without a care in the world, the way he used to shower me with flowers or kisses or the way she used dress. We miss the past, and in doing so, we end up living in the past.

Relationships, just like the people involved, go through phases. In different phases of our lives we have different friends, different jobs, different feelings, etc. You know that experience of having a certain friend during a certain period of your life? Where did that friend go? Often times we fall out of friendships because of something circumstantial, we just drift apart or we move.

Sometimes it’s more; a falling out, a disagreement, a broken agreement, etc. We learn to get over the loss and to grieve the end of the friendship or relationship. In much the same way, we must learn to let go of what our relationship was and accept our relationship for where it is now.

Change is especially apparent after major life changes, such as marriage, the birth of a new baby, a job change/loss, infidelity, death in the family, etc. Part of being in a relationship is saying goodbye to the past phases of our relationships, letting go of the past and embracing what is now, the present. You may become overcome by this feeling of, “I feel like I don’t even know my partner anymore.”

The truth of the matter is that you are still getting to know your partner, at every phase of his/her life, just as he/she is getting to know parts of you. Also, the both of you are getting to know yourselves and each other in the relationship.

Accepting change, that things don’t stay the same forever, is par for the course. Sometimes you may not like the changes that happen, as they may confuse you and not seem to fit. How you learn to navigate the changes may determine the future of the relationship. Your relationship is built on the past, and where it grows from there into the future depends on your dedication to the present.

To get more satisfaction out of your relationships and sex life
visit Moushumi Ghose, Sex Therapist in Los Angeles.

What if there were specific buttons we could push; buttons to keep our anger from getting too intense, to stop our tears at an appropriate time, or to dampen grief on our own schedule? We would never spiral out, our bodies would never be too taxed and we could let go of things like guilt and shame easily.

Man, it would be nice, wouldn’t it?

Of course, I don’t need to come right out and tell you that life doesn’t work that way. Your emotional scars and mental wounds are enough proof. We’ve all gone over the edge once or twice, said things we didn’t mean or suffered from difficulties we did nothing to deserve. And perhaps most frustratingly of all, our physical bodies have been affected by these emotional overflows; leading to pain that lasts much longer than the outburst that caused it.

Our most popular blogs of the last few days highlight just how big of a part our emotions play in our overall health and happiness, with some keen insights into how we can stay content and healthy (hint: learning to listen to the tiny shifts in our bodies is incredibly important).

The Agony of Being Emotionally Overwhelmed
(The Emotionally Sensitive Person) ~ Whether you consider yourself a highly sensitive individual or not, I think we all know what it’s like to feel completely overwhelmed by sequential events. Karyn Hall points out the warning signs of an impending emotional outburst, and provides insight into how we can self-soothe during these turbulent experiences.

Can People Really Be Happy? Maybe
(Healing Together For Couples) ~ Blogger Suzanne Phillips explains why she believes happiness is attainable for all of us, and how we can increase our personal sense of enjoyment.

The Art of Listening To Your Body
(Weightless) ~ Listening to what our bodies can and cannot do is a skill that requires practice and careful, quiet thought. The better we are at this activity, the healthier we will be, and the more emotionally centered we will feel.

Whole-Body Strategies For Autism With Dr. Martha Herbert
(Therapy Soup) ~ Renowned Autism expert Dr. Martha Herbert’s new book, “The Autism Revolution,” looks at Autism as an issue that effects, and can be effected by, a person’s entire health. She details how big of a role diet plays in the disease, and also writes on how understanding the way the world looks and sounds to someone with Autism can help loved ones communicate with them better.

Overcoming Shame: It Wasn’t Your Fault
(Sorting Out Your Life) ~ Shame can be one of life’s stickiest feelings; it can hang on us for years. Blogger Jenise Harmon describes what exactly shame is, and why it’s okay for us to let it go.

Years ago a psychologist by the name of Robert Sternberg came up with a pretty good explanation that is difficult to improve on. What Sternberg did was to break down true love into three parts. I will try to share them so that you can easily apply them to your situation in a simple way. These three parts will help you to determine if what you have in your relationship is true love!

Part 1: Passion
This part includes physical and sexual attraction. It is like “Wow!”… You might hear angels and music…… . You initially cannot get over this person. The attraction is overwhelming. Pheromones abound. Electricity and chemistry are constantly zapping and bubbling in and around you. You feel an obsessive need to have your feelings reciprocated. For most persons, this is the first part of feeling attraction.

Part 2: Intimacy
Intimacy leads to attachment. It creates closeness and connectedness. We call this process becoming bonded with another person. Intimacy grows first by spending much time with another person. Then it grows deeper by sharing with one another every aspect of our lives. Intimacy is built on trust and safety. If you cannot trust and feel safe with a person then intimacy disappears and will degenerate into distrust and suspicion.

As Marney Makridakis explains in her fascinating and empowering book, Creating Time: Using Creativity to Reinvent the Clock and Reclaim Your Life, time seems to be an issue in most areas of our lives — our dreams in particular.

Not only do we feel besieged by responsibilities but we also get overwhelmed about opportunities and projects we’re passionate about. (How often have you said that you don’t have enough time to pursue a passion, enjoy a mini getaway or read that growing stack of books?)

While we can’t transform time by adding more hours to our days, we can expand our perception of time, Makridakis writes. Time is limitless, actually.

According to Makridakis, “Time is a valuable resource that is far more infinite than we tend to think. We worry so much about not having enough time, when time is, in fact, one resource that is always present, for as long as we are living. Much like oxygen, time is there for us. While the finite amount of time we have is real, the occasions when we feel it lacking, drifting, or lost are largely a matter of perception only.”

That means that we can apply certain tricks and techniques to changing our perception of time. Here are several great ways from Makridakis’s book.

1. Adjust how you measure time. We measure time quantitatively — like numbers on a clock – but we also can measure it qualitatively. It’s the qualitative measurements that are more important in the long term, anyway, Makridakis says. Rather than measuring how long something takes, she says that we can use the following measurements instead:

• How much you learn
• How much joy you feel
• How relaxed you feel
• How connected you are to your passion
• How much you are affected by another person
• How “right” you feel

At first this idea might seem strange — maybe even incorrect. But we don’t need to abandon the quantitative measurements. We can consider both. In fact, we actually already use both kinds of measurements in our lives (and focus more on quality).

Makridakis uses sleep as an example. Most of us – probably all of us – would rather have six hours of restful sleep than nine hours of tossing and turning. As she writes, “Similarly, when evaluating our time, we can be aware of the hours and minutes passed, but the quality of those moments is what really matters.”

2. Look at the circumstances that affect your perception of time. Doesn’t it seem like time truly flies when you’re having fun and slows to a tortoise pace when you’re doing something you don’t want to be?

Makridakis notes that time seems to move faster when we’re enjoying ourselves but it slows down when we’re anxious, unhappy or anticipating something. So how we perceive the speed of time is actually relative.

In other words, according to Makridakis, “time moves faster when something else supersedes our inherent attention to time” – whether that something else is taking a vacation or having a deadline.

If you’d like, make a list of specific circumstances when time moves fast and when it crawls for you.

3. Speed up or slow down your perception of time. Since our perception is malleable, we can do certain things to both slow down how we experience time — when we’re doing something fun — and speed it up — when we’re doing something tedious or we don’t like.

Multitasking tends to accelerate time, Makridakis says, so if you’d like to slow down, focus on one task and reduce your distractions. Also, instead of thinking that you have two hours to spend with your family, consider that you actually have 120 minutes or 7,200 seconds, Makridakis says.

On the other hand, if you’d like to speed up time, think of an hour at the dentist’s office as an itty-bitty fraction of a year or 1/8,760, she says. You also can hasten time by finding a way to engage in your passions. One of Makridakis’s friends, whose passion is filmmaking, brainstorms potential stories or characters when he’s doing something unpleasant.

4. Expand your awareness of time. Makridakis includes a great quote from author Diane Ackerman: “I don’t want to get to the end of my life and find that I lived just the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well.”

According to Makridakis, “Expanding the width of our moments creates more time. When time is wider, we fill it with more and take more from it as well.”

She suggests readers expand their awareness of time by using all your senses to experience each day. Also, at different moments during the day, ask yourself, “How might I experience this moment a little deeper? Feel it a little wider? Accept this moment a little more fully?”

Another strategy is to focus on each moment’s creative potential and think about how you’re being creative in everything you do. Makridakis notes that in the traditional culture in Bali, there are no terms or labels for “creative” and “artist.” “All activities are equally creative, equally of service.”

Even though we can’t stop time or add hours to our days, we can alter how we experience and perceive time. We can change our relationship with time into a positive one, and that’s incredibly liberating.

You can learn more about Marney Makridakis at her website.

I think I’ve followed this strategy myself — not because I cleverly realized it was a good strategy, but because I was stumped, so put aside a question out of sheer desperation.

Here’s his method…

“I have found… that, if I have to write upon some rather difficult topic, the best plan is to think about it with very great intensity — the greatest intensity of which I am capable — for a few hours or days, and at the end of that time give orders, so to speak, that the work is to proceed underground. After some months I return consciously to the topic and find that the work has been done. Before I had discovered this technique, I used to spend the intervening months worrying because I was making no progress; I arrived at the solution none the sooner for this worry, and the intervening months were wasted, whereas now I can devote them to other pursuits.”

I’ve used this when I’ve faced problems with structure. Structure! As a writer, I’m obsessed with structure. Often I have seemingly insurmountable structural problems, and I’ve found — just as Russell suggests–that if I think about it very hard, then ignore the problem and work on other things, the answer eventually presents itself.

This approach is a good example of one of my Secrets of Adulthood: “The quickest way to get from A to be is not to work the hardest.”

How about you?
Have you found that by putting aside a difficult problem, you were able to solve it? Even, perhaps, with just one night of “sleeping on it”?

I’m thrilled to contribute to Quarterly—”a subscription service for wonderful things.” If you subscribe to Quarterly, every three months (quarterly), you get a present in the mail chosen from the person to whom you subscribe. So please consider signing up for my curated gifts! You can also give a Quarterly subscription as a gift, tons of fun (and easy).

May is Mental Health Awareness Month. We will go to the doctor for a physical checkup, but how many of us engage in a mental health checkup? The goals of my process, InsideOut Empowerment, provide us with ten things we can do to improve our well-being and increase our happiness.

1. Assess the strength of your needs while learning to obtain the proper amounts for happiness. We all have five basic human needs — connection, freedom, significance, survival and enjoyment. While we share that in common, the strength of our needs vary. So for example, one person may be high in connection and enjoyment, while another person might be high in significance and freedom. The key to happiness is to engage in behavior that brings you the precise amount of each need you want. Having too little leaves you feeling deprived and having too much can leave you feeling over-saturated.

2. Understand and take responsibility for your choices. You have choices in every situation. You may not have any “good” choices or choices you like, but there are choices nonetheless. You are doing whatever you’re doing because you chose it, not because someone forced you. You may be doing it to keep your job, please a loved one or to save your life … but you are choosing it. When you let go of the victim mentality and embrace the choice aspect of all you do, you will feel empowered.

3. Make the connection between your behavior and your progress or lack thereof. We often look to outside “causes” for our success — or lack thereof — and forget to look at what we, ourselves, are doing or not doing to move us toward our goals. When you begin to take charge of your own outcomes instead of giving that power to others, you will feel much happier.

4. Understand the power of your perception and how to change it. We often make up stories about people and events in our lives that have nothing to do with the facts of the situation. They are simply our interpretation. Your interpretation can cause you great unnecessary turmoil. If your perception isn’t serving you, change it! Make up a better, happier, more generous story.

5. Find the balance in all things. Everything that happens to you has equal positive and negative qualities; a ying and a yang, pros and cons. The problem is our perception again. We tend to label things as good or bad, positive or negative, painful or pleasurable. The truth is, both sides are always present. It just depends on where you place your focus. Seeing both sides equally will improve your mental health.

6. Distinguish and choose between what feels good right now and what will feel even better later. We often engage in a battle of what we want right now versus what we really want. As a general rule, those who can delay gratification achieve greater satisfaction than those who always indulge themselves in the moment. But there is another option. See #7.

7. Expanding either/or thinking to a both/and approach. In our Western culture, we often tell ourselves that we must choose between two options. But I say, “Why not have both?” Now, I do realize sometimes there really is a dilemma and a person must choose, but those times occur less frequently than you think if you begin to ask yourself, “How can I have/do/be both?”

8. Uncover your self-sabotage, while learning to minimize its hold on you. We all have some negative thoughts about ourselves that were installed in our psyche before we were old enough to distinguish fact from fiction. The fact that these negative thoughts most often came from those you trusted made it even harder to dispute. However, if you want to succeed at your goals, then you must bring your self-sabotage out from the dark of the subconscious to the light of day where you can examine its veracity. If you determine it simply isn’t true (and it usually isn’t), then you can let it go. Don’t attempt to “do battle” with the ideas, as this gives them more importance than they deserve.

9. Accept others exactly as they are. They aren’t likely to change — or at least not because you want them to — so you are only frustrating yourself with the effort. Know that everyone has one life to live in this go around and gets the option to spend it however they choose. If you don’t like the way a particular person is choosing to live his or her life, then limit your involvement with that person. Stop trying to get people to change to fit who you want them to be.

10. Move toward your goals at a pace that is challenging, yet doable, for you. When you set goals that are too easy, you can become bored. But on the other hand, if you make it too difficult, you may give up. Finding the right pace for you is essential to your success.

Take these ten steps and get your mental health tune up today!

“Most people recover from the fact that their partner had sex with someone else before they recover from the fact that they were deceived,” says Vaughan. “An affair, in the final analysis, is more about ‘breaking trust’ than about ‘having sex.’”

A few years ago Vaughan took an online poll, asking readers: “If your partner had an affair, what would be more difficult to overcome: the deception, or that he/she had sex with someone else?” Almost three quarters of the men and women polled said deception.

Vaughan believes that secrecy is primarily what distinguishes a close friendship from an emotional affair.

For example, you’ve crossed the line if you are:

• Keeping the details of the relationship secret from your husband or wife

• Saying and doing things with your “friend” that you wouldn’t do if your partner were present
• Sharing things with the other person that you don’t share with your partner
• Making an effort to spend lots of time with your “friend”

“In most instances emotional affairs are just affairs that have not yet become sexual,” says Vaughan. “They either end or they escalate. So (as with any type of affair), it’s critical that all one-on-one contact with the third party be severed — before it escalates.”

Romantic friendships are especially dangerous for women because women typically invest much more of themselves into them than men. A woman may ache and suffer for years as she grapples with her relationship issues while her male counterpart considers the extra attention a mere bonus to his family life, says Vaughan. In other words, a female sees her soul mate; a man sees fun. And, according to Aaran Ben-Ze’ev, author of Love Online, it’s not uncommon for men to be conducting two or even four affairs at once.

Even innocent flirting with co-workers can hurt a marriage. “We only have so much emotional energy in life,” says M. Gary Neuman, a psychotherapist in Florida and author of Emotional Infidelity.

“By chatting and joking with your crush during the workday, that’s emotional energy you should be sharing with your partner, and it drains your marriage of the vitality it needs.”

Get psyched with Psych Central’s Zoë Kessler and author Melissa Orlov in a fun hour of sharing about the good stuff in an ADHD / Non-ADHD partnership!

We’ll talk about how we can bring out the best in you and your loved one.

During our webinar, we’ll:

• re-discover what each partner brings  to the relationship
• discover some new ways to bring out the best in you and your loved one!
• invite you to share your positive stories
• remind each other of opportunities and possibilities

…and more!

Please join us (and bring your special someone) for an uplifting hour that will leave you feeling re-energized, hopeful and ready to move forward!

The webinar is this Thursday, May 24 from 8:00 PM – 9:00 PM EDT.

Space is limited, so please sign-up today:  http://bit.ly/MkKMhk

Host Zoë Kessler writes the popular blog, ADHD from A to Zoë here at Psych Central.  Diagnosed with ADHD at 46, Zoë, an author, journalist, speaker and workshop facilitator, is a regular feature article contributor to ADDitude Magazine; writes radio and film documentaries about ADHD, and is featured in Her Fast Mind, a film about women and ADHD produced by The Bilkey ADHD Clinics and released in 2012.

Special Guest Melissa Orlov, is married to a man with ADHD. Melissa, a marriage consultant, is the award-winning author of The ADHD Effect on Marriage. She also blogs at her website ADHD and Marriage (www.adhdmarriage.com), which she co-hosts with Dr. Ned Hallowell.

In The Book of Doing: Everyday Activities to Unlock Your Creativity and Joy, Allison Arden, publisher of Advertising Age, shares a slew of fun and playful ideas to reignite our creativity. More than that, her book shows us how to create and find joy in our everyday lives.

So what is “doing”? According to Arden, it’s anything and everything from creating, making, helping, experimenting, drawing, reading, playing, acting, cooking, tasting, celebrating and loving.

Here are 10 of my favorite ideas from her book. I hope you’ll try them!

1.  Engage in your favorite activities as a child.

List your top three activities when you were a kid, and start doing them. Not only does this bring more joy and play into your life, but you never know the doors it might open. Arden’s husband started playing the drums again — after a 20-year break! He joined a band and became friends with the bass player, which led to a collaboration and an entirely new career, which makes him happier.

2. Sketch your everyday.

Sketch a picture of a person or object every day. As Arden writes, “Sit still for longer than you have in a while, and see something from a new perspective.”

3. Train for a “something-a-thon.”

This could be anything from a marathon to a bike-a-thon to a bowl-a-thon, Arden says. Today, Arden runs half and full marathons, which help her feel empowered. But years ago, she couldn’t run a mile. The key is to start slow. For instance, if you’re running, she suggests starting with 10 minutes and increasing five minutes every time.

4.  Construct something from natural materials.

According to Arden, you don’t need to buy new supplies; just use the ones you already have to make anything from a snowman to a sandcastle to a building made from sticks.

5. Make a list of three goals on your birthday.

Think about what you’d like to accomplish and write it down. Then give the paper to a friend and ask them to put your list in your birthday card the following year. You’ll get to see what you’ve accomplished or assess what stopped you from achieving your goals. (Maybe your goals changed or maybe you need to overcome certain obstacles.)

6. “Learn the evolution of something that interests you.”

Arden suggests asking yourself the following questions about that topic:

• Where did it start?
• How did it start and why?
• What did it become?
• What changed?
• What should it be next?
• Why?

7. Create a new tradition.

Arden invented the tradition of “Bloodies at the Gate.” Every time she and a friend have to travel for business, they have a Bloody Mary at the airport before their flight. They’ve even inspired others, who’ll send them pictures of themselves enjoying their preflight cocktails.

8. Read biographies of people who’ve inspired you. Arden spent an entire year reading biographies, which she found incredibly informative and eye-opening. These are a few she suggests:

• Einstein: His Life and Universe by Walter Isaacson
• The Last Lion: Winston Spencer Churchill by William Manchester
• John Adams by David McCullough

9. Talk to someone you’ve known a long time about a new topic.

A few suggestions from Arden: “Tell me a story I’ve never heard before or a story you’ve never told anyone. Who [do] you most admire and why? What is your favorite dessert? What was the best thing your parents ever taught you?”

Be sure to record their responses. (This is also a great way to learn more about your family history. Recently I wrote a post honoring Holocaust Remembrance Day on my personal blog. I talked to both my mom and aunt to get the details. It was a lot to take in, but I’m so glad to know more. Talking and writing about these stories ensures that they never die.)

10. Go back and read your favorite stories as a child.

As Arden says, there are many powerful messages in children’s stories that probably just went over our heads when we were young. She suggests:

• Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll
• Winne-the-Pooh by A.A. Milne
• Peter and Wendy by J.M. Barrie
• Peter and the Starcatchers by Ridley Pearson and Dave Barry

Arden’s The Book of Doing reminds us that we can create our joy every day. Nothing is too frivolous or too silly or too young. As she says, rediscovering our passions and enjoyable pursuits helps us connect with the world in a powerful and positive way.

Learn more about Allison Arden at bookofdoing.com.

Your mindset is everything when it comes to helping you find love. I’m not just talking about romantic love. I’m talking about love, overall. Love is a state of mind that either is or isn’t something you cultivate.

Wikipedia defines mindset as:

A set of assumptions, methods or notations held by one or more people, that creates a powerful incentive within these people or groups to continue to adopt or accept prior behaviors, choices, or tools.

Your mindset is how you approach the world. If you let it run wild, it will compel you to make the same choices over and over again. No one is exempt from having a mindset. We all have one. It’s like a filter through which you perceive your reality.

Your mindset, like a bad habit, has a shadow side. The shadow is devious and makes it tough for us to see that we have any particular mindset at all. It tricks us into believing that ”it’s just the way we think.” No big deal.

If you’re having trouble in your romantic life, it’s time to see if your mindset needs an adjustment. If you think your mindset might be causing problems, you have the power to change it. Like breaking any habit, it demands a great amount of effort and determination.

Answer the following three questions to see if your mindset is on the right track to finding love:

1. Have you created the right environment to attract love?

How you set up your life and personal space will tell you a lot. If you don’t pay attention to how you’re living and what you come home to at night, you aren’t “setting the stage” for the love you want.

Surround yourself with things that make you feel good. Make it a priority to always be around things that you consider beautiful. Your bedroom should be restful and inviting. Your home space should be free of clutter. Changing your home environment will change your energy and create a new mindset towards love.

2. Are you surrounding yourself with people who support you?

If you’re not seeking out positive, supportive people in your life, you will feel overwhelmed. None of us can do it alone. Regardless of how strong you think you are, we all need outside input and camaraderie to remind us that we are valuable and special people.

If you spend time with friends who love to gossip and complain, this negativity will rub off on you. These kinds of interactions support a mindset of being a victim to outside circumstances. You must find people who have a positive outlook on life and love. Surround yourself with people who see you as the wonderful person you are.

3. Do you take courageous action on your own behalf?

As women, we were not really taught the value of courage. Courage was something reserved for boys. But, being fully committed to loving someone and being vulnerable (which true love requires) demands that you have courage.

It’s not easy to trust another human being with your deepest self. It can feel risky. A romantic relationship will require you to have the courage to face the ups and downs of life. Other courageous actions you will need to take include speaking up for yourself, honoring your boundaries and telling the truth.

Your mindset to find love will change as you take action. It will be your greatest ally to help you find your perfect partner.

You’re brought into a small room, a “game room,” with a table, chair and three sugary snacks. You’re asked to pick one treat. You choose the marshmallow. Then you’re told that you can either have the marshmallow right away by ringing a bell, or wait a few minutes and get two marshmallows. Then you’re left alone for 15 minutes.

This seemingly simple experiment conducted by Austrian-born clinical psychologist Walter Mischel at Stanford University became known as “The Marshmallow Study.” But don’t let the silly name fool you. This study tested over 600 kids at the Bing Nursery School and has become one of the longest-running studies in psychology.

What Mischel actually wanted to explore had zero to do with kids’ desire for sweets, of course. The lead investigator wanted to test the concept of delayed gratification.

He found that a few kids ate the marshmallow as soon as the researcher left the room. Most waited an average of less than three minutes to consume the marshmallow. But a third used various ways to distract themselves and waited the full 15 minutes. Kids did everything from covering their eyes with their hands and turning around to singing songs from “Sesame Street” and playing hide and seek under the desk to tugging at their pigtails.

While this was fascinating on its own, Mischel would make an even more powerful discovery. Mischel’s daughters also attended the Bing Nursery School. From time to time, he’d ask how their classmates — his subjects — were doing.

He began noticing an interesting pattern, which prompted him to conduct followup research, revealing just how this seemingly simple study was anything but.

According to this piece in the New Yorker by Jonah Lehrer, Mischel mailed out questionnaires to the parents, teachers and academic advisers of the study subjects. The questionnaires requested information on the kids’ abilities to plan, think ahead, cope effectively and get along with others, among many other behaviors and traits. He also wanted to know their SAT scores. Lehrer summarizes Mischel’s findings, which basically revealed that the kids who rang the bell right away weren’t doing so great.

Once Mischel began analyzing the results, he noticed that low delayers, the children who rang the bell quickly, seemed more likely to have behavioral problems, both in school and at home. They got lower S.A.T. scores. They struggled in stressful situations, often had trouble paying attention, and found it difficult to maintain friendships. The child who could wait fifteen minutes had an S.A.T. score that was, on average, two hundred and ten points higher than that of the kid who could wait only thirty seconds.

The inspiration for studying self-control in American kids actually came from an unlikely source: another country. In 1955, Mischel, who was initially interested in psychoanalysis and the Rorschach test, traveled to Trinidad to study one culture’s spirit possession ceremonies. But he changed his mind after noticing the dynamics between two groups of people — those of East Indian descent and those of African descent — and started studying something else entirely. According to Lehrer:

Although his research was supposed to involve the use of Rorschach tests to explore the connections between the unconscious and the behavior of people when possessed, Mischel soon grew interested in a different project. He lived in a part of the island that was evenly split between people of East Indian and of African descent; he noticed that each group defined the other in broad stereotypes. “The East Indians would describe the Africans as impulsive hedonists, who were always living for the moment and never thought about the future,” he says. “The Africans, meanwhile, would say that the East Indians didn’t know how to live and would stuff money in their mattress and never enjoy themselves.”

Mischel took young children from both ethnic groups and offered them a simple choice: they could have a miniature chocolate bar right away or, if they waited a few days, they could get a much bigger chocolate bar.

His research didn’t end up substantiating the stereotypes. But it did bring up important questions about delayed gratification, such as why some kids waited to eat the chocolate bar, while others didn’t.

Mischel also realized that he could actually measure self-control. This was important because at the time most psychology tests, including personality measures, weren’t exactly valid or reliable. After reviewing the literature and using the personality measures in his own work, Mischel realized that the underlying theories were the problem. The measures were created with the assumption that personality was stable across situations. But Mischel found that context was key.

His goal was to conduct rigorous scientific research with measurable variables — and his earlier straightforward setup of sugary snacks in Trinidad provided a great place to start.

Be sure to read the rest of Lehrer’s article, which discusses the advanced methods that Mischel and other researchers are using to study self-control today. For instance, they’re using fMRI machines to explore the brains of the original subjects.

Also, check out this excellent podcast on BBC where Claudia Hammond interviews Mischel and his colleagues. Here, Mischel cautions against using his research to predict the fate of individual kids. He notes that these are group differences, and shouldn’t be misinterpreted as a fortune cookie that dooms one child but blesses another.

(By the way, I know it’s tempting to want to apply these findings to dieting and restricting certain foods like desserts. Unfortunately, nowadays, self-control typically gets associated with such things. However, many studies show that restricting yourself actually leads to overeating. As author of Weightless, a blog that helps people improve their body image and ditch dieting, you know where I stand.)

Maybe you haven’t had it easy. But for that reason alone, you’ve had to build resilience, courage and persistence to find a way to bring hope, love and happiness into your life.

Not everyone has that type of determination. Not everyone has that kind of strength.

But while you spend your days working and striving to be better, it’s easy to feel discouraged. Sometimes it only takes talking with others or seeing a friend’s Facebook page to make you wish your life was easier.

When you spend time with your eyes forward, looking ahead at all the people who have more than you, you may forget to look back. Yes you have a long way to go. Yes, your life may not be as simple as your neighbor’s, but along the way in your own individual journeys, don’t forget to acknowledge and celebrate how far you’ve come.

This week you may even find your own gift(s) in difficulty. You will share a sense of community with those who have faced the same issues as you. You may discover tools to maneuver your life better. The good news is that you’re definitely not alone in your journey. In each of these posts there are threads of hope, and together we weave the most beautiful quilt, don’t we?

Mental Health Hero Lee Horbachewski Says, “You are not alone. You are loved.”
(Mental Health Humor) – Author Lee Horbachewski spreads hope via her awareness campaign, her memoir and the story of how she got through the dark moments in her life. Learn more about Chato B.’s latest mental health hero here.

Just Because You Feel Something, Doesn’t Make it So!
(Anxiety & OCD Exposed) – Do you have a right to be angry? According to Dr. Laura Smith, not always. Learn why it won’t serve you or anyone else if you indulge freely in your negative emotions.

How to Discover Work You Love
(Adventures in Positive Psychology) – Everyone has a right to be happy. And despite what you may think, everyone can find work that they are passionate about even in this economy. Get the tools you need to incorporate more joy, purpose and pleasure in your every day by discovering work that your good at and you love.

Bipolar Type II and the Role of Tenacity
(To the Edge & Back) – Having bipolar type II disorder makes life a little harder. But here are the two strengths that can help you overcome the lowest of lows and persist, prevail and progress despite feeling like a failure. This is written for those with bipolar disorder, but can benefit anyone who is going through a tough time.

ADHD: True Confession – Here It Is
(ADHD from A to Zoë) – I can’t say much about this post unless I reveal Zoë’s confession. What I can say is that just like her commenters, you may relate with and understand this surprising gift of ADHD.

A piece of advice I often see is, “Be moderate. Don’t have ice cream every night, but if you try to deny yourself altogether, you’ll fall off the wagon. Allow yourself to have the occasional treat, it will help you stick to your plan.”

I’ve come to believe that this is good advice for some people: the “moderators.” They do better when they try to make moderate changes, when they avoid absolutes and bright lines.

For a long time, I kept trying this strategy of moderation — and failing. Then I read a line from Samuel Johnson, who said, when someone offered him wine: “Abstinence is as easy to me as temperance would be difficult.”

Ah ha! Like Dr. Johnson, I’m an “abstainer.”

I find it far easier to give something up altogether than to indulge moderately. When I admitted to myself that I was eating my favorite frozen yogurt treat very often, two and even three times a day, I gave it up cold turkey. That was far easier for me to do than to eat it twice a week. If I try to be moderate, I exhaust myself debating, “Today, tomorrow?” “Does this time ‘count’?” etc. If I never do something, it requires no self-control for me; if I do something sometimes, it requires enormous self-control.

There’s no right way or wrong way — it’s just a matter of knowing which strategy works better for you. If moderators try to abstain, they feel trapped and rebellious. If abstainers try to be moderate, they spend a lot of time justifying why they should go ahead and indulge.

However, in my experience, both moderators and abstainers try hard to convert the other team. A nutritionist once told me, “I tell my clients to follow the 80/20 rule. Be healthy 80% of the time, indulge within reason, 20% of the time.” She wouldn’t consider my point of view–that a 100% rule might be easier for someone like me to follow.

People can be surprisingly judgmental about which approach you take. As an abstainer, I often get disapproving comments like, “It’s not healthy to take such a severe approach” or “It would be better to learn how to manage yourself” or “Can’t you let yourself have a little fun?” On the other hand, I hear fellow abstainer-types saying to moderators, “You can’t keep cheating and expect to make progress” or “Why don’t you just go cold turkey?” But different approaches work for different people. (Exception: with an actual addiction, like alcohol or cigarettes, people generally accept that abstaining is the only solution.)

You’re a moderator if you…

• Find that occasional indulgence heightens your pleasure–and strengthens your resolve

• Get panicky at the thought of “never” getting or doing something

You’re an abstainer if you…

• Have trouble stopping something once you’ve started

• Aren’t tempted by things that you’ve decided are off-limits

Now, sometimes instead of trying to give something up, we’re trying to push ourselves to embrace something. Go to the gym, eat vegetables, work on a disagreeable project.

Perhaps this is the flip side of being an abstainer, but I’ve found that if I’m trying to make myself do something, I do better if I do that thing every day. When people ask me advice about keeping a blog, one of my recommendations is, “Post every day, or six days a week.” Weirdly, it’s easier to write a blog every day than it is to write it three or four times a week. I don’t know how moderators feel about this. (Moderators–what do you think? Is it easier to go for a half-hour walk every day, or four times a week, for you?)

Do you identify as an abstainer or a moderator?
Do these categories ring true for you?

And that’s exactly what you’ll find in Russ Harris’s book The Reality Slap: Finding Peace and Fulfillment When Life Hurts. Harris is a psychotherapist and renowned expert in acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT). The book is based on ACT’s principles.

The reality slap is a term that Harris uses to refer to life’s various lows, which include everything from losing a loved one to experiencing failure or envy.

According to Harris, after a reality slap strikes, we face another problem: “the reality gap.” The reality gap consists of two sides. One side is the reality we have; the other side is the reality we want.

The bigger the gap between these realities, the more painful our emotions.

This gap can last anywhere from days to even decades. And, unfortunately, he says that our society doesn’t prepare us to deal effectively with a big reality gap.

What can prepare us is finding inner fulfillment — a fulfillment that doesn’t break or bend based on external factors.

Harris defines inner fulfillment as “a deep sense of peacefulness, well-being, and vitality, which you can experience even in the face of a large reality gap — even when your dreams don’t come true, your goals aren’t achieved, and your life is harsh, cruel or unfair.”

In other words, when we experience loss or pain, we can still find peace within. According to Harris, there are three ingredients for inner fulfillment: presence, purpose and privilege.

Presence

Finding fulfillment lies in living fully in the present moment. Unfortunately, our minds make that tricky. Harris says that when we face a particularly big reality gap, our minds produce a slew of painful thoughts, which prevents us from enjoying life and effectively mastering activities.

We get lost in these negative thoughts and spend our days on autopilot, missing the true richness of life, he says. But we can learn to open our eyes and pay full attention.

Harris features an excellent exercise in the book to help readers feel more present with the people in their lives.

Each day, pick one person, and notice that person’s face as if you’ve never seen it before: the color of his eyes, teeth and hair; the pattern of the wrinkles in his skin; and the manner in which he moves, walks and talks. Notice his facial expressions, body language and tone of voice. See if you can read his emotions and tune in to what he is feeling. When he talks to you, pay attention as if he is the most fascinating speaker you’ve ever heard and you’ve paid a million dollars for the privilege of listening. (Tip: Choose the person the night before, and then remind yourself who it is first thing in the morning. This way, you’re more likely to remember to do the exercise.) And, most important, notice what happens as a result of this more mindful interaction.

Harris includes another valuable exercise to be present while engaging in pleasurable activities.

Every day, pick a simple, pleasurable activity — ideally one that you tend to take for granted or do on autopilot — and see if you can extract every last sensation of pleasure out of it. This might include hugging a loved one, stroking your cat, walking your dog, playing with your kids, drinking a cool glass of water or a warm cup of tea, eating your lunch or dinner, listening to your favorite music, having a hot bath or shower, walking in the park — you name it. (Note: Don’t try this with activities that require you to get lost in your thoughts, such as reading, Sudoku, chess or crossword puzzles.) As you do this activity, use your fives senses to be fully present: notice what you can see, hear, touch, taste and smell and savor every aspect of it.

Purpose

According to Harris, “The more we can connect with a purpose that guides our actions now and in the future, the more we will experience a sense of fulfillment; we will feel that we are making the most of our time on this earth.”

While he admits that this is easier said than done, with some thoughtful reflection, you can identify your purpose. Harris has clients consider the below questions, which is part of a process in ACT called clarifying your values. This is key, because “it’s our values that infuse our life with purpose.”

• What truly matters to me, deep in my heart?
• What do I want to stand for as I use my time on this planet?
• What sort of human being do I want to be?
• How do I want to behave toward myself, others and the world around me?
• What personal qualities do I want to cultivate?

Privilege

This refers to experiencing life as a privilege. According to Harris, simply being alive “gives you a valuable opportunity to connect, care and contribute; to love and learn and grow. To treat life as a privilege means to seize that opportunity — to appreciate it, embrace it and savor it.”

Harris says that the reality gap is only one part of an entire stage show. Appreciating life doesn’t mean pretending that this part isn’t present. Rather, it means not only seeing the gap clearly but also seeing the other parts of the stage and finding something in the show that you can treasure.

The below exercise helps to cultivate appreciation, and incorporates being present — paying attention with openness and curiosity — and having purpose — connecting with our eyes and realizing the impact they have on our lives.

As you read this sentence, notice how your eyes are scanning the page; notice how they move from word to word without any conscious effort on your part, how they go at just the right speed for you to take in the information.

Now imagine how difficult life would be if you lost your eyesight. How much would you miss out on? Imagine if you could no longer read books, watch movies, discern the facial expressions of your loved ones, check out your reflection in a mirror, watch a sunset or drive a car.

When you reach the end of the paragraph, stop reading for a few seconds, look around and notice — and I mean really notice — five things you can see. Linger on each item for several seconds, noticing its shape, color and texture, as if you are a curious child who has never seen anything like it. Notice any patterns or markings on the surface of these objects. Notice how the light reflects off them, or the shadows they cast. Notice their contours, their outlines, and whether they are moving or still. Be open to the experience of discovering something new, even if your mind insists it will be boring.

Then, once you have finished, take a moment to consider just how much your eyes add to your life; consider what the gift of vision affords you.

You can take the time to notice and appreciate your life every day. As Harris clarifies, doing so isn’t a panacea for your problems or a way to pretend that life is perfect. Rather, instead of focusing on what you lack, this kind of mindset helps you feel more fulfilled.

This guest article from YourTango was written by Danielle Dowling. 

You went on a first date with an amazing man. You thought you looked great in that dress. You’re pretty sure that he found the stories about your dog hilarious. You’re certain that he didn’t notice you got a little tipsy on all those cocktails.

The problem is that he doesn’t call. Or text. Or email. So, you decide to call your girlfriends to dissect every single thing he said and every single thing you did. Why didn’t he ask you out again?

According to the men in my life, here are the top ten reasons why your first date with him ended up being your last…

1. It’s too easy to get into bed. Men love it when you’re crazy hot for them. The issue is that nobody wants to feel like they’re being used for sex or that anybody “with the right parts will do.” Some men separate women into camps of “one night stands” and “girlfriend material.” Though it’s not necessarily fair, those ladies who are quick to bed sometimes end up in the former.

2. You’re not sexually compatible. Maybe there’s a bit of canoodling on that first date. Or, at least enough to figure out where each of you fall on the continuum of sexuality. Maybe you kiss or move in a way that doesn’t quite work for him. Maybe you can’t relax or he can’t leave the lights on. Maybe you want it a little rough and he wants things soft and tender. Neither of you are “doing it wrong,” but you’re probably not right for each other.

   Some men like little skinny women. Some men like their curves. I highly recommend that you be with a man who likes your body the way it already is. Not if you lose a few or gain a few. Women need to feel desired. A part of us dies if we don’t feel sexually appealing. Your body type may not do it for him and he’s doing you a favor by not asking you again. Find the man who wants to wrap himself up in your deliciousness without you having to change a single thing.

3. He thinks you’re not into him. If you’re not particularly interested in a guy, there’s a pretty good chance he can tell. If you are interested in him, stop playing so “hard to get!” Shockingly enough, men have feelings too and he’s not going to ask you out again if he imagines he’s going to get rejected.
4. He doesn’t like the way you talk. Your friends think it’s hilarious when you pepper your speech with “omg!” and “sad face!” but this man might not be into it. It’s also possible that he’s not into baby voices, excessive swearing or the twenty minute rant about Ron Paul. If you think you’re alienating men with your conversational skills, ask a close guy friend for his honest opinion.
5. Your senses of humor and interests are incompatible.  He loves It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia. You think it’s crass and mean-spirited. You love hiking through the great outdoors and he’s afraid of trees and fresh air. Again, neither of you are “wrong,” but you’re probably not right for each other.
6. You were critical of him. There’s a difference between playfully teasing a man and being mean. If you’re not sure where that line is, lean towards the side of sweet. If he teases you about your taste in light beers, you can hassle him about eating all the fries. A first date is not the time to make snide comments about his haircut, the neighborhood he lives in, his job or where he went to school.
7. You were bossy. Aren’t you cold? That’s not a very healthy thing to order. Will you hold my purse? Haven’t you had enough to drink? Do yourself a favor and keep the demanding remarks to yourself.
8. You have completely different ideas about manners and social discourse. You over-tip, hand write notes, remember everyone’s name and know which fork to use for each course. He thinks all of that is uptight rubbish. Again, both of your views are perfectly valid, but you’re probably better suited for someone else.
9. You made him share the bed with your three dogs.  The world is full of cat people. And dog people. And hamster people. If you love your dog and he doesn’t, find someone who does.
10. Your lifestyle doesn’t match his. You’re a powerhouse executive who only has Wednesday evenings and Saturday mornings open for dating. Truth is some men want a more traditional, stay at home woman. The other half of them find your career prowess incredibly sexy. Look for that man. He will clear every Wednesday happy hour and Saturday morning brunch just for you.

I know it can be heart breaking when someone doesn’t ask you out again. You want a man who loves dogs, 47-minute political rants and the way you fill out your True Religion jeans.

Wait for the man that loves you just the way you are. Trust me. It’s definitely worth the wait.