Cindy Haines, Chief Medical Officer of HealthDay and Managing Editor of Physician’s Briefing recently remarked that “Grief is an inevitable component of life lived fully. It is a rare soul, indeed, who passes through unscathed. But losing a child ranks at the top of the hardest to bear.”
I have thought about this so often: What I would do if one of my kids died before me? I can’t begin to appreciate the pain, the heartache, a bereaved mother or father must feel, and the reserve of strength and determination that is needed to forge ahead.
I know that many of my readers have mourned the loss of their children. Several have asked me to write on this topic. However, as I am a mental-health blogger with two healthy children, I thought it best to get some help from a woman I do know that has lived through this and emerged on the other side successfully.
I sat her down for coffee the other morning and interrogated her.
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Therese, Good for Ms. Dot to keep going and helping other parents who have lost children and good for you to write about a subject that no parent wants to consider. My daughter Katie died of a brain tumor she lived with for 10 years but not before she lived a 1,000 lifetimes of good. Katie was my hero.
I am also a grief specialist who practices what I share with other bereaved parents. I began a group called “Mothers Finding Meaning Again” and we have been meeting for over a year now and what we find together is strength and meaning to what feels senseless. I’ve written a book When Every Day Matters: A Mother’s Memoir on Love, Loss and Life (Simple Abundance Press) because I felt compelled to give a first person account to the loss and grief of a beloved child and take a reader out of the darkness and back into his or her life once more.
There is a blog on my website and some consolation there, too, for anyone who wants to stop by.
I lost my son to suicide three years ago. The first year was indeed unbelievably hard. I wanted to see him and hug him, and thinking about not being able to was unbearable. But looking back I can see that it has indeed become easier to bear. It doesn’t mean I care less but I do cry less, and I am able to find moments of joy.
My website is called Surviving a Loss.
My only child, my daughter Serena, died when she was 16 in a car accident. I suffered from guilt along with the grief which complicated surviving her death. Irrationally, I kept thinking I should have put her in the front seat and then she would have lived instead of me. Irrational because she almost always sat in the back seat when there were three of us and because I couldn’t have known we would have a deadly accident.
Grief crippled me. I was in a clinically depressed state for two years after her death. I finally recovered but it was a long, hard road. I still miss her, I grieve for her. On her birthday and the anniversary of her death I buy her flowers. I will always remember her life.
I can totally relate to your posting…. I too lost a daughter in the car accident in 2004. I was driving, I was avoiding a animal and rolled our SUV. She died instantly … her younger sister and herself were in the back…. I have came through a lot of pain and anger learning to deal with loosing a child and finding a future.. I think about her all the time and miss her horribly… please visit her website and hang in there , when our time here is done we will be with them again. God needed them for something more important then being our children.Stay strong remember we are different because we lost a child. OOOXXX
This was a wonderful story.I lost my firstborn
son 27yrs old this February 2010. I was a crossing lady a few years ago.My son was so well thought of
in his group of friends.So I feel very much for Dot
and for me and those that get left behind.I do feel
a sense of something I dont know what to name because
my son had negative 100 feelings about his self worth
but he hid it so well.He self harmed but his death
wasnt suicide.He was found in his car with the windows down.Somehow his life just gave out.Warm thoughts for others out there going thru this loss.
this article is truly how I “know” grief to be. i have never lost a child but i have friends that have and watched their pain and agony. Seeing it never has closure nor do they get over it. the worst pain I experienced was my sisters death and the call Christmas eve this past 2009. The dysfunction of my parents acting like I expected is crushing. My mother I have not seen or spoken to in too many years to count. the phone call i made to her caught her off guard and she expressed desire to go to the service. She then never called or took my call and did not appear at the mass. I have had no further contact. She told me not to call, write or email. My father wanted the service but all his actions and words display what do you expect if you are a drug addict? she was 51. at the last years of her life i was the only person loving her enough to call for welfare checks etc… Funny I just started to cry how could my parents not care? My father angry at the tangled money mess from her wealth spent away. I suggest my parents are in some sort of denial / blocked area as to pertaining to my sisters problems that lead to drugs. I know of no support groups to deal with parents that say, “go away” or “life goes on so forget it.” “so what if we her birth date on the mass card is wrong?” “I don’t one care.” truth I wonder if anyone else had parents like mine.
I lost my only adult son two years ago. His loss is a scab on my heart. I doubt if there will ever be a scar. Every now and then the scab is torn off by something I see or hear, I bleed and a new scab is formed. I still find it hard to believe I have gone on with life, after losing him, but I have.
we lost are son in august 2008 in a helicopter crash,in fact there was nine that died that day.they were wildland firefighters.losing a child is the hardest thing that i have ever been through.he was our only son though we are blessed with three daughters.before the crash my son graduated from college and was married five weeks before.having family and friends come to the wedding just to turn around a month later for the funeral.its been two years and the first year was unspeakable grief,going through this second year has been much healing.the thing is it has affected my whole family,and if it wasn’t for compassionate friends and prayer i don’t know where we would be.at a time where i know the necessity to draw close to my immediate family it has done the opposite with everyone struggling with their own grief.i am so sorry for all that struggle with losing a child,but losing a spouse or sibling hurts just the same.everyones pain is real as the next.my only suggestion is to show compassion and mercy and love,and to just listen and be their for those suffering.to much has been said with the right intentions by people who haven’t been their or don’t have a clue of the deep deep hurt you have, so for all those people who have all their credentials or ministerial watch what you say and let them see your love through the window to the soul. god bless and their is light at the end of the tunnel
THE PRAYER REGISTRY! Please see my website and read about The Prayer Registry. This free website service is dedicated to all of the families who have lost children, whatever age that child was when they passed. This site registers the anniversary day of our children’s crossing. The members of this online community,the Prayer Team, have the opportunity to honor their child’s legacy, connect with other bereaved parents, and participate in world-wide group prayer for every registered loved one on the anniversary day of their passing.
There is no charge for this service; it is my sincere hope that every bereaved parent who registers a child will join the Prayer Team and be a source of prayer for all of the children on the other side. Each time another child is registered, the Prayer Team grows larger and stronger.
Please email Sheri at theprayerregistry@gmail.com to register your loved one on The Prayer Registry. By registering, you will have a forum to connect to other bereaved parents and you will be able to upload comments, photographs, biographies, or any other information you want to share about your child with our community of bereaved parents. Once registered, you will be a member of the Prayer Team and will receive Prayer Registry reminders one day before the anniversary day of one of our kids.
Please feel free to email any questions, concerns or feelings that you would like to share. My door is always open. I hope that this site provides some small measure of balm for the wounds of loss. From one bereaved parent to another, I welcome you to my site and offer my support.
This is one club that none of us would join by choice, but since we find ourselves in this unthinkable place, we stand stronger when we stand side by side.
Thanks so much for all of the various experiences! I lost my 18 year old son on May 11th, 2011. Not quite two months ago. My wife and I have two other wonderful children, but Chase was our youngest. I have not been fully able to express to anyone how I really feel. But it is a pain, and an emptiness that is indescribable. He was a talented musican, and singer, so full of promise. We have found just enough strength to make it day by day.
Terry , That is all you can do!!
We lost our beautiful 7 year old son on may 10, 2011. He has c
Visited us and tried to comfort us in many ways but the pain and shock are so much
We just lost our son, a talented, happy, funny, awsome 18 year old taken long before his time, he hugged, kissed us told us he loved us and left from our cain for a hockey camp. full of energy life and future… and in less then 2 hours we recieved acall to say he was gone…I still can’t believe it, it hurts so much, I can’t look too long at his pictures one day and can’t stop lookng the next… we adopted Jeff at 18 months after waiting 7 years for placement, I don’t understand how I could fight sooo hard to get a child and have him taken from me, I am not with out Thanks I did give birth to a son, his big brother,13 years before, and then was blessed with adoption 4 years later with a daughter,who both are so grief sticken,I have to find some sence in all this but can’t but don’t think I will, they say a No fault accident, wrong place at the same time, it was 9 am, just so wrong… so sad so pain full so dumb…
My darling daughter died almost 2 years ago.She was 32 years old. There is a hole in my soul. But she left two beautiful children for me to love endlessly. For the first time tonight I looked at her funeral vistor book and I do not remember most of the people there. I was in shock and in many ways I still am.
Grace my daughter was shoot in 1996 and died in 1998. She had seven little children which I raised. At the time of the shooting her children was 13, 12, 11, 9, 8, 7, and 6. I can truely say I know how you felt when you said it felt like a hole in your soul. I was very bitter with the world. But when I forgave her boyfriend, God open windows and doors for the children and I. You know I actully felt what he was going through in that jail and prison system. My heart cried for him, I felt his pain. I never understood why I was feeling his pain, and he shoot my daughter. I knew it was not me,it was the Jesus in me.
I lost my son Blaine on October 30,2010, 376 days ago. He was 26 years old and in near perfect health, 6’7″ tall and 185lbs+/-, handsome, bright, witty, funny, loving, and a great joy to be around. He died in his sleep of S.A.D.S (sudden arrhythmic death syndrome). Lends new meaning to that silly childhood prayer “…now I lay me down to sleep, I pray The Lord my soul to keep, if I should die before I wake …”. Today, over a year later I have much to be thankful for. I thank The Lord I had Blaine for 26 years. I thank The Lord Blaine had such a great life during his short time here. I thank The Lord for the merciful way He called Blaine home. I thank The Lord for where He took Blaine to. I thank The Lord for the hope of salvation, and the promise of eternal life. When we were all in the womb we had no concept of the world beyond us. We had no knowledge of life outside of our mother. We knew there was something out there, but we could not comprehend what it was. Birth took us to a new dimension, a new place. A place we could not comprehend during our life in the womb. Death, I think is no different. When we die, our lives change, but they do not end. And although we can not comprehend what lies on this other side, God made us a promise, the promise of eternal life. Our children are all there, where all is perfect. If we, as parents, find this purpose here, we will be reunited with our lovely children there, in the peaceful presents of The Lord. Therefore, try to find a way to be thankful. I have now lost two children. I still find a way to be thankful. The only thing I want now, is to be reunited with my children in Gods’ Kingdom. I work hard everyday to see this thing through. It is my purpose.
I stumbled upon this website and I am saddened to hear of all the loss. We lost our son December 21, 2007 4 days before Christmas. The day will be here in 2 days. Even though it has been 5 years I will tell you for some reason this year is as hard as the initial hearing from the officers. Maybe I thought 5 years was the magic number where it’s not suppose to hurt this much anymore but dear God it hurts so much. Two 19 year old guys were street racing in Orlando when one lost control went over the median went airborne and landed on top of our son killing him instantly, he didn’t know what hit him. The kid killed 2 people in the wreck. He was going over 100 miles an hour BUT his attorney got him to walk!!! Not even a slap on the wrist. After being in a courtroom and watching our legal system it’s a joke. He left a 2 year old daughter who I see him every time I look at her face. She wants her daddy. Thank God for family friends and a strong belief or there is no getting thru this. I feel a lot of resentment sadness. I use to be the “fun loving life loving” friend everyone said they wish they could be like since I celebrate everyday. But that is gone and I need it back.
I lost my baby a few days before I got to meet him I know it’s not the same but the pain is there I can’t seem to get over it that day plays over and over again in my mind x