I sometimes wish I didn’t have fodder for this blog, that I could graduate to writing a Happiness Project like Gretchen Rubin, and give you tips that could increase your happiness level. Alas, after weekends like last, I know that I will have the content to write a blog on depression for many more days.
In Beyond Blue the book, I describe my analogy of recovery from depression and bipolar, from anxiety and addiction, as a four-story apartment: the first level is staying alive, the second staying out of the psych ward, the third status quo, and the fourth gusting toward better health. Although I wish I could say the majority is spent in the penthouse on the deck, the truth is that I stay mostly on the third, going up for a quick visit to the fourth some afternoons, and taking the escalator down to the second at times.
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“As much as mindfulness and Buddhist philosophies and neuroplasticity have to teach us, I have to put those aside when my ruminations are this severe, because they contribute to my feeling like I’m a failure. It’s easy to think: Since the thoughts won’t stop, I must be doing it wrong, or I don’t have the strength of character that is needed.”
Why are you concerned about stopping your thoughts. Mindfulness is not about stopping your thoughts. It’s about recognizing when your mind is wandering, and gently brining it back to the present. There is never an intention to stop thoughtsl rather, to watch your thoughts without judging them, and without judging yourself from having them. If you have been taught that mindfulness invovles attempting to stop your thoughts, you have been done a disservice.
RE: Bo
I don’t think stopping thoughts is what the writer means. However, I do understand that when ruminations are severe, “trying” to do mindfulness (and apparently failing) seems like a set up to feel worse. So, I agree with you.
When my mind is in this “place”, I tell myself ‘I submit to the f’d-upness’.
Did you see the movie “Armageddon”? Steve Buscemi’s character was an astrophysicist with a ‘holy-cow’ Ph.D. from MIT. He said “Nope, I’m going to sit back because I have a front row seat to the end of the world. And I’m going to watch it!”
Annihilisitc? Sure. But sometimes, going for broke is what it takes to stop the exhausting monkey in our brain.
As survivor of severe singular depression now 11 years out, one whose thoughts followed the familiar think bad thoughts, feel really bad, reinforce the negative thoughts and feel worse, the wonderful whirl pool of depression, the dark hole where no light can be seen. All I can say is there is light and life! That the truth is, you will never overcome that kind of thought life or emotional turmoil as long as you believe you can’t or attempts to do so are hopeless. You are not your thoughts, you are the creator of your thoughts, your thoughts do not manage you unless you let them, you manage them. Your desire to be well, good therapy, meds when needed, and working at it will eventually pay off for most. It did for me. Don’t give up or give in…have hope and keep at it.
With all due respect to Archangel, I do understand that attempts to change the way you think about HOW you think has been helpful FOR YOU. However, you need to understand that what you are promoting IS a belief system. The idea that you “create” your thoughts, while empowering to you, is simply NOT true for many of us. If we could ‘create’ our thoughts, why wouldn’t all of us be content and grounded all the time?
It is PRECISELY the underlying assumption in this philosophy (and remember, it IS a philosophy) that has not only been ineffective for many of us, but it has harmed us as well.
I believe “Bo” above is discussing this very thing.
Having said that, I agree with you wholeheartedly that good therapy, and meds are essential.
You are talking about a single major depressive episode. There is a very big difference between a major depressive “episode” and Major depressive DISORDER as well as BIPOLAR DISORDER or even GENERALIZED ANXIETY DISORDER, which is what the author of this article experiences.
Your support is appreciated, but keep in mind we all experience these illnesses differently. We all have a story.
Thanks.
Dear Therese,
Thank you for your courage in sharing your experience with these illnesses. I hope to do the same on a blog someday.
This dialog is so important! And you wanted to write a ‘happy blog’! Not the plan for you, huh?
Am also following you now on Twitter now!
Best Regards,
Bridget
Thank you. I now know that there is one other person who really understands my chronic depression and chronic anxiety. And that you can be doing everything right but still feel like you want to die.
Hi,
I’m afraid I know what you are going through. what amazes me is those days when I walk around feeling FINE! And I can’t after all these years figure out how I have those days and then the days I can’t get out of bed and feel suicidal. When I am feeling really lousy, as my long-time psychiatrist/therapist says, I call him. Help – just knowing he’s there keeps me going. We’ll talk – maybe med change, and then he’ll ask me to call him back in a couple of days. I will say that those horrible, ruminating, obsessive thoughts for me have been helped with a very small dose of risperdal. You might ask your doctor if you can try this for those bouts. they also help with rage (if you veer in that direction sometimes). Perhaps you can think of those ruminations as a skip in a record (or if you are too young to know that experience a computer glitch when the little cirlce just keeps going around and nothing loads). You are way ahead of me on the “walking the walk” – in terms of pushing yourself to leave the house, exercise, eat well etc. Finally, I do find comfort sometmes reading books by other sufferers – like yourself. You really begin to realize how similar everyone’s experiences are with depression/mood swings…and you always know when you meet an authentic fellow traveler. Knowing how similar your experiences are also helps with the guilt that somehow you only you are not dealing with your depression the “right” way. I like the floors of your apartment analogy…Finally, I found it strangely comforting when I read that Darwin said, if only he could get two or three days in a row of feeling good he could accomplish so much more! I’ve been saying that for YEARS! Anyway, hope you make it soon up to the roof for a little sun…you deserve it.
I’ll be happy when someone invents a better drug so I don’t have to do the work my doctors should be doing–wish they would be thinking 5760 times a day about CURES.
Thank you, Therese, how awful, and how great your writing!
I have never had bipolar illness, but I could really relate to your experience of labor and delivery/pregnancy?
I have been struggling with cancer and the closest I can come to comparing it to anything else is pregnancy/labor pains, including the ‘food cravings’ and nausea.
The tiredness, the ‘back labor’, the breathing, the waiting…
thanks again, Katrin