Mental illness is often a family issue. Parents, siblings, spouses and extended family provide housing, care and support, emotional and financial, sometimes to the point of becoming proverbial case managers. It’s hard enough when the chronic illness is something everyone recognizes, like diabetes. It’s …
Before posting, please read our blog moderation guidelines. The comments below begin with the oldest comments first. Click on the last comments page to jump to the most recent comments.
Before posting, please read our blog moderation guidelines.
Post a Comment:
Copyright © 1992-2012 Psych Central. All rights reserved.
Site last updated: 25 May 2012
|
NAMI, http://www.NAMI.org, is the National Alliance on Mental Illness, it changed its name overthree years ago to remove the offensive caricature, “the” mentally ill.
Harold A. Maio
I apologize for the error. It was corrected as soon as you brought it to my attention. Thank you.
A few other major national support organizations include:
Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA)
http://www.DBSAlliance.org
Mutual support and information for persons with depression and bipolar disorder, and their families. Face to face support group listing on website.
Nar-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc.
http://www.nar-anon.org
12-Step group offering self-help recovery to families and friends of addicts.
Gam-Anon Family Groups
http://www.gam-anon.org
12-step fellowship for men and women who are husbands, wives, relatives or close friends of compulsive gamblers who have been affected by the gambling problem.
Co-Anon Family Groups
http://www.co-anon.org
12-step program for families and friends of persons using cocaine or crack.
Great for supporting soeone who is depressed
http://www.iambackfromthebrink.com/
Depression and bipolar site http://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au Good downloadable self assessment sheets
It is really really hard supporting someone who is depressed especially if they refuse to get help and many do refuse.
I got remarried a wonderful lady in 1985. She plainly informed me that she was “Manic Depressive”.
After my previous 15-year marriage to a spoiled rotten princess who had terrible temper tantrums, marrying someone with an actual DIAGNOSIS and otherwise SWEET, didn’t scare me at all.
We have now been married 25 years. There have been times that were bad, bad, BAD. She has “gone off her meds” at least 8 times and landed in the institution- as psychotic as humanly possible, even committing CRIMES.
Guess what the first question was- WHAT IS YOUR HUSBAND DOING TO YOU TO MAKE YOU CRAZY?
Probably the most distressing part of it is, the mental illness industry is packed full of clinicians who are misandrists. Just because somebody is mentally ill, doesn’t mean she is being abused, nor ever has been.
My wife was diagnosed when she was 19 years old. Her first husband couldn’t take it and divorced her. I married her when she was 28.
What caused the latest episode? She caught some sort of stomach flu. The kids had it first. I had it, and it was BAD. Like mothers everywhere, she was the last to get it. In her case, she threw up violently for 2 days straight. That’s how easily a person can get off their meds.
The oldest boy took her to the hospital (I am now bedridden with asbestosis and 15% remaining lung capacity). I called the hospital FIVE TIMES to inform them that she was a Manic Depressive and she was OFF HER MEDS.
They finally got her stomach condition under control and were ready for her to come home. Which was surprising because we figured they would keep her overnight. They called me twice strongly demanding that I come get her NOW. The second call was 5 minutes after the first one (the boy was already enroute), and that nurse was SNOTTY, wondering why nobody was there. I asked that snot if anybody had conveyed the five messages that the wife was OFF HER MEDS. The snot immediately got quiet and said “No, nobody told anybody about it. THAT would have been handy to know”.
And that’s how it goes.
Over the past 25 years, I have seen almost universal incompetence and malfeasance by the “professionals”, who DO NOT LISTEN to the people who are living close to the situation. If not for me, she probably would have died long ago. Or be in prison.
Lately they have been running that PSA commercial about the mentally ill and those who love them. Doesn’t even scratch the surface, and that’s a shame.
Nobody seems to realize or care about the people who live with the mentally ill.
I don’t need a therapist. I need to be LISTENED TO, instead of putting up with “professional” arrogance and prejudice.
Bravo Leonard H! Only those who really love the person with mental illness can stand up for them in time of need with support, understanding and advocating for them in time of need. You are doing what you do because you love that person and know that real person, regardless of their mental illness. I agree 100% about professional arrogance and professional “stupidity” concerning mental illness. My husband has severe Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, and I wouldn’t trade him for the world. I know the whole person who has so much to offer if only people would listen to him instead of writing him off as a nut. Doctors, nurses and other professionals that roll their eyes, sigh and get angry with him don’t get it with me. I have had arguments with his siblings, parents,friends and other family that think they know what is best for him. We have been married for 36 years and I wouldn’t trade him for anything. OCD and all. I don’t love his OCD, but I love him and it is part of him. We deal with it in an honest manner and go on. Not everyone can and I understand that too. Your wife is a lucky woman to have you. Bravo again!
I was referred to this blog by Therese Borchard. When I saw the title and read the first paragraphs, I was encouraged and about ready to send this to my family (who, after 10 years plus, still doesn’t “get it”).
Then I read #3, “Keep Healthy Boundaries”. My family is good at boundaries–so good, they’re barriers. During the last 10 years, when I’ve needed my family’s emotional support and support of presence so desperately, I’ve been held at arms’ length. I have had to fight this battle almost alone. My “saviors” (so to speak) have largely been others who also fight this battle of the brain, mostly NAMI members, and understand where I am coming from. I’ve also been fortunate to have had good mental health professionals (and later, community case managers) who understood and worked with me. My parents have helped financially and with the upkeep of my home (which they own), but neither they nor my brother & his family (when the latter lived close to me) would simply come and BE with me on anything approaching a regular basis.
My experience is hardly unique. I know and know of many others who have been shut out or held at arms’ length or worse when they were diagnosed. I believe you are doing a disservice to your readers by not including something about BEING THERE for your mentally ill loved ones as a parallel to keeping healthy boundaries. Some people probably need to keep a more healthy distance–others need to get WITHIN a healthy distance!
Thanks for your consideration.
Dear Aletta,
I would like to compliment you on your article and the importance to continually remind those of us who are support persons and advocates for our loved ones.
As a very, very long-time support person approaching 47 years to my spouse and a mental house advocate your points are well taken and ones which I’ve utilized through the years.
I too strongly endorse patient and support person education along with encouraging hope and persistence.
It took us some 36 years to finally gain some reasonable control, stability and remission over my spouse’s Major Depressive Disorder. It has not been an easy road to traverse but my wife’s simple acknowledgement that she is “Happy to be alive” has certainly made my efforts worthwhile.
Contrary to some of the comments I’ve read here we have been fortunate to collaborate with medical professionals who have attentively and respectfully acknowledged and discussed my thoughts, empirical observations, data and record keeping and without their assistance our achievement would have been impossible. That is not to say all were so helpful but those situations were easily remedied by seeking help elsewhere. I often state that when a physician hangs his/her shingle out to practice it does not state whether they were first or last in their class and it is imperative on the part of the patient and/or advocate to enlist the aid of a trusted, caring, knowledgeable and licensed health care professional in order to make informed and un-coerced medical decisions.
Therefore I would suggest adding a 6th point, as a support person and/or patient, and that is to maintain detailed records of treatment regimens, reactions, etc., etc. to be utilized during one’s medical appointments and collaborations.
Once again, thanks for the article and to my fellow long-time support persons who understand and recognize the challenges we face I extend my best wishes to you and your loved ones for perseverance and wellness.
Warmly,
Herb
VNSdepression.com
As someone with severe depression I’ve often felt terrible for what my family has had to deal with. I’ve written a post about siblings as victims of mental illness on my new blog: http://www.reflectionondepression.typepad.com. Check it out if you’re interested. (under “family and relationships category)
Our twin daughters have suffered from schizophrenia since the early nineties. I agree that boundary setting is a vital part of caring. A positive attitude, faith in improvement, finding fun and poetry in every day living and looking after oneself are also important survival ingredients. Our carers’ group is therapeutic too. We go out together for meals, use our funding to treat ourselves to the opera or ballet together, and generally support one another. It’s healthy to be open about mental illness. We can’t expect others to understand unless we share our experiences and confront stigma. It’s amazing how many people find themselves able to talk about their own families’ mental health issues once the barriers are down.
Poor LeonardH. Hospitals are the worst! and Law enforcement is right up there. My boyfriend is always getting hauled in for “evaluation” because people cant see, understand, or acknowledge that he is brain injured. Good lord, all they have to do is look at his caved-in forehead and they can see he has suffered a brain injury…I’m looking for some kind of ID card or something that he can carry in his wallet that has this information on it… what his medical/mental condition is, who his Dr is and other information which might protect him from this harassment and involuntary hospitalization. It is becoming a financial burden to us as people expect us to pay for these “evaluations”. I am seeking a lawyer for advise but all of this costs. If anyone knows where to get legal assistance or protection from this unfair harassment please let us know.
I thank you for a very good article. I’ve been both a caretaker of and a person with disabilities relating to mental disorders. I’ve also worked a number of years with children and adults who have disabilities. All your points are quite valid and worthwhile for a caretaker to remember. The two years I spent caring for my mother were two of the hardest I’ve lived.
Under number 4 is the statement, “It doesn’t matter whether or not your mentally ill love is an addict or a borderline personality disorder.” Although it may seem to fall under what people call “political correctness,” an issue to keep in mind is that the affected person is not a condition, but, rather, has a condition. As the woman whose husband has OCD stated, his condition is not him. He has the condition. I am not a depressive; I have a major depressive disorder (along with other disorders of various kinds). My mother is not a borderline personality disorder. She has a borderline personality disorder. I was made aware of these distinctions while working with people who have disabilities.
Thanks for your thoughts!
Patsy
This is an excellent article and what Leonard H. said deserves an article of its own! I attend the NAMI “Family to Family” classes and recommend them to anyone.
My issue is that my son is dually diagnosed with Bi-Polar/heroin addiction. He is doing well because he’s off the heroin and taking the right meds. BUT, I get a lot of flak from parents of other addicts that think the “mental illness” is just an excuse and they are waiting for my son to go off his meds and fail. I wonder how many of their kids would be helped it they would evaluate them? If I tell people my kid is a heroin addict I usually get shock then a bit of pity or empathy. If I tell them he has several mental illness diagnosis (he does) I usually get a look that says “thank God my kid is normal, keep your kid away from mine”.
Thanks, I think I needed to vent.
I do not really know where to start by here goes, my partner and i are lesbian’s, and she suffers from mental illness that are thet have taken over our lives together. I have been beside her through thick and thin! she has been in and out of mental hospitals before and during our relationship. we live together along with my teenagae daughter. I have tried to get her help by seeing doctor’s, but the meds she have tried so far do not work! i have given our relationship so much of me that i feel i have not more to give, and its time for her to do the giving, by doing her part to become healthy. I love her dearly, but no one person can do all of the work in a relationship, and thats what i have been doing! so am at the point to were am exhausted with everything, and now she is back in the hospital agian and i just do not know what else to do for her. I have tried to do everything to help her, but its just not working! am sad and depressed becaue i am truly inlove with her! but things at home now are very bad, and not healthy at all!
Thanks for the article; I’m trying to help my mother who has bi-polar disorder. She doesn’t want my help, though, and it can be difficult to keep smiling at life…
Thanks, anyway.
Hello. I would like to start by saying that I had to let go of someone with mental health. It was the hardest thing of my life. It started out nine years ago I was in a relationship with a very powerful woman and extremely emotionally abusisive. I finally after many years and surviveing cancer that my doctor advised me that in order of me to survive I would have to do what’s best for me and my beautiful daughters. I left her and started my new journey with out delay I fell madly in love with my sweetheart Manda. She gave me strength and love like no other. She helped me through the fight of my life to keep my children half the time from a scorpion that hated the fact I was love and the children were gravitated to me. Finally over potty training homework and falsely accused of alcohol and drugs I won in court to keep my kids half the time. I had such strength from her and she did so much to help me that in this course she was weak. She had to let me go. It just about killed me and my children were so lost as this was my finally complete family. After many months of tears and begging I realized through my love I needed to do what is best and let her go. I now live lonely hearted and feel no desire to meet anyone as my three daughter 8,4,3 would deserve nothing but the best as our special Manda could only give. I hope and pray for her everyday and still everyday I’m lonely and start the day as it was my first. I wish I would of known now through so much reading and my own journey cause I would of done things so differently . I fear I will grow alone and continue life broken hearted. Mental health is a beauty and in the same a pain like no other. Thank you. Vince
My husband of 42 years suffer from mental illness that is tearing us a part and has just about destroyed or lives. He retired early and refuses to do any thing but gamble. He has wiped out his checking account and over $11,000 of our savings until I took his name off the account. He won’t take meds, because according to him that is what caused him to be the way he is. I try not to nag him about the pig sty he has created in the room he has moved into. We fight daily because I try to get him to get some kind of help which he refuses because there is nothing that can help him because he “cold-turked” his meds. He had ECT and each time it made him more like his old self. Now that is out of the question because the ECT fried his brain and destroyed his neuro-transmitters. He just sits around most days and pants with pain and walk all hunched over. Every aliment he has was caused by the ECT or the antidepressants he was give. Everything stems back to seven years ago when he took one Zoloft pill and he went suddenly dull. I am getting so disgusted, I’m ready to let him have his way and move out into a dumpy trailer and live like a cockroach. What do I do next? WifeNoMore