Psych Central


Middle age and loneliness

More than one third of adults are lonely, with people in their forties suffering the highest levels, according to a study published in the latest Journal of Clinical Nursing.

People with strong religious beliefs were less likely to be lonely and people …

73 Comments to
Loneliness Rampant in Middle Age

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  1. God I’ve spent most of my life looking after other people brought 4 kids up with my late mum then looked after her till she died. went back into work till it damaged my health where the hell do i go now and what do i do i feel really isolated

    • yes i understand about where do i go from here i brought up my kids any every bodyeles kids now i hve cancer idont know where to go from here no friens no family.
      would like to talk with you

  2. I really sympathise with this. I am divorced, brought up three children and just find myself alone and completely lost. I dont know what I am going to do with the rest of my life, nothing seems to be enjoyable when you are doing things on your own, I’m not a terribly outgoing person anyway which doesnt help. Just find the isolation intolerable sometimes

    • iam isolated myself cant stand it dont know what to do.
      would like to talk to you.

  3. I feel like my insides are dying with every day that I am alone. I do not attach to people well. I can chit chat, but beyond that I have no deeper connections. I’m fearful because I am isolating my 12 year old son too and he is picking up on these ways as well. Which leads me to terrible guilt. Life goes on around me, and watch, longing to be a part of it, not knowing how.

    • i would like to talk to you,i know exactly what your going through

  4. kids shutting me out of their adult lives i feel awful

  5. hey don’t fret u all.. After over 20yrs raising kids while working full time in care profession looking after humanity and enduring a empty hostile marriage, i decided this year at the age of 43 i’m going to make most of the time i have left. Went abroad with no expectations other than enjoying and experiencing what ever came my way. Met a young man.. much younger than me..((smile)) after much agonising agreed to his marriage proposal Now my life is sweet wonderful and blessed. You hold your selves back sweets.. so dare to be different believe in your self and lonliness will flee from you.. Celebrate your life and thank GOD always.. love n peace.

  6. I was never like this before. I was always the most popular in HS, but also felt very comfortable in my own company. After taking care of my dad for 10
    months who passed away 2 months ago, I am NOW feeling very lonely. Prior to that I ended a 5 yr relationship that wasn’t going any where. I have let all my friends go and decided that they just drain me with their negative energy. I rather be alone than dealing with even more doom and gloom than I have on my own plate. I have very bad chronic pain and am awaiting a trial for a pain pump. In the meanwhile a therapist told me about a group online called ” meet-up.com” They have meetings withe people of what ever age group you are looking for. I have attended, scrabble, fine dining, photography but I have gained about 25 pounds from medication and just plain stress. I am first starting to feel like I am getting back to normal but in the meanwhile I am still alone, and it hurts and making friends late in life is no easy process.

  7. I’m 44, unmarried and childless. All my friends have married and moved away (a few have moved due to their jobs). Other then work, I spend 100% of my time alone. In my 20′s and 30′s I had a social circle that came to a halt as everyone but me married. Now I’m the only person left on Earth. I tried finding people online but everyone has such a big agenda and no one wants to do simple things. Mostly it leads to a few emails then nothing more.

    • i know know one wants to talk to me eithr,you talk to me

  8. My loneliness is killing me. My husband left me when I was 34 and obsessed with 13 year olds. It has scared me for the rest of my life. It is a big wall that I can’t trust any man anymore. I have a uti that I am thinking about not treating with antibiotics to lead to renal failure to finally be done with it. I would like to find a doc that would prescribe anti-inflamation and pain killers so the bacteria would lead me to renal failure and death. I would rather be in the sky.

  9. Is there anyone (doc) who believes in passive euthanasia?

  10. Hello, I’m a Documentary Filmmaker and I’m researching for a Film about Loneliness. I’m looking for single people who live and/or work alone. If you are willing to chat to me I would be very grateful as I would love to hear your stories.
    Many Thanks

    Sam
    email: samuel.poore@hotmail.com

  11. i am totally alone. i have a grown up daughter but no family or friends. im trying to figure out how to die and not let my daughter get hurt by it. i have no life. just a very stressful job, no positive inputs ever, and can’t see many reasons to keep going. i do not wish to hurt my daughter, so i think an accidental death would be better for both of us. searched the internet to see if any had it like me, but found none. so in this i’m unique :) no family or friends. says a lot about me.

  12. Wow…I can’t believe I live in the same universe as the previous writers. I am 56 and have never been happier. Finally freed from the concern about appearances and the sexual static that was ALWAYS there, I have rediscovered the joy of making new friends. I am pursing my interests and discovering new ones, reacquainting myself with my wonderful husband, and exercising (albieit with lots of aches and pains following). Life is sweet for this 56 year old.

    • I am happy for you, but it is not nice for you to gloat about your happiness when others on this site are so alone. Now that every thing is sagging on you how can you be sure your husband won’t head for firmer pastures? oops sorry (reality check)

  13. I totally understand how all the previous writers feel. I have felt that way at times.

    Remember, we are where we are because of the choices we have made…..and we can be in a different place by the choice we make

    Make a decision – it doesn’t matter WHAT you decide – only that you decide

    TRY: get out and walk – join a gym – go to a networking group – volunteer – dig in a garden – take care of yourself – sleep is restorative – THINK positive thoughts – find positive people – to go meet.com and join a group

    grab a piece of paper – right now – and start writing down what you appreciate – do this every day

    hug yourself – smile – go to a starbucks- go to a book store – volunteer –

    believe in yourself

    if you are depressed – go to a doctor

    you are where you are because of the choices you have made – and you can make choices to go in a different direction

    YOU CAN DO THIS – SMILE!!!

    • a lot of people on this site have tried all sorts of things to help with loneliness, voluntary work etc nothing replaces the real need of really connecting with another human being, I think that is what most of them want.

  14. Hi Anne, I hope your still here because you say most of the things I have been thinking.
    I have an “anti family” this is worse than no family- mine have NEVER EVER liked or included me.
    Older siblings tried to dump me at the beach as a toddler and down hill all the way since then. I’ve always been the embarassing screw up outsider. My adult children prefer their in-laws and my eldest brother to me -big house,expensive cars top level career vs stay at home mother who works as a mail sorter now she’s divorced.Told them I loved them but they said it made no difference.Why am I here?

  15. Back again, I want to say how much Lynn’s comments angered me. I’ve just taken myself off antidepressants after years on -they help with anxiety and fear but they don’t change life.
    Its all very well for the counsellers and psychs to teach re-storying etc etc but I don’t feel alone and that my family are rotten they really were neglectful,emotionally abusive and rejecting I’ve just found out dad had a heart attack no one bothered to tell me. Located Mum (hospialised and has alzheimers) by ringing round the hospitals.She hasn’t called in six months because they (siblings)erased my number from her home phone. And hey they are all a bunch of stinkers anyway when I don’t feel alone, I feel very, very angry.

  16. Hi Rosemary. I’m still here :) Comment to “min”: if youre that happy, why are you in here?? And “Lynn”, you comments are not what we need right now.
    Rosemary I’m exactly like you. I have brothers that are mean and cruel. Thats why I wrote no family. I decided about a year ago that i would no longer accept how they talked to me, so I have no longer contact with any of them. Works ok both ways it seems. They do not miss me a single day, and i no longer get to hear how horrible I am. I had to let it go. family or not. I think thats what you have to do to.
    I never went to a shrink or tried pills, so i can’t say if it helps or not. For me i have to deal with this my way.

  17. Hi I agree, if you are Happy with your life… wonderful.. go find a happy website to blog in. People are not just lonely because of CHOICES… what ROT! Some people had very little choice in their life. How about the child that was kidnapped and forced to be a sex slave everyday! I am sick and tired of people, most of whom had a lot more when they started their life telling others why their life sucks.
    I would love to trade places with one of these “happy” people and see how they would be coping after the life I have been through.

    This is a very materalistic horrible country we have created… just look at how all the expatriots are flocking to places like the phillipines and Thailand and other places where they can live like kings and complain about giving the rest of us back here any basic medical care, or jobs which often causes many people to be lonely and depressed.

    I could change my life… and dump a morbidly obese husband who is diabetic and won’t change his habits and even take his pills without a fight… but I could not live with myself… unlike the large portion of Americans who are socialpaths and could careless about other people.

    Why don’t you happy people try helping someone for free sometime instead of trying to make a buck off someone else’s misery.

  18. Well, it does not sound like you are too happy helping someone else, right? …and he’s your husband?

    Stop comparing yourself to everyone. Try to relate a little more with compassion.

    All comments are great otherwise, the happy and the depressed. They are all ‘real’, and ‘true’.

  19. Loneliness. It’s hard. I have to say reading these comments makes me feel a lot better. I’m grateful for the Web. Life was a lot lonelier when I didn’t have a laptop. I can relate to the word “anti-family”. That’s pretty clever. I wish mine wasn’t but most of the people in mine are very abusive and I’ve had to cut them off.

    I’ve found meditation to be helpful at times but unfortunately, I’ve met some mean people, odd people, scary people and annoying people in meditation classes more than anywhere else. What is up with that? The teachers are always cool though.

    I’ve been very lonely off and on throughout my life and now I’m 45 and mostly bedridden with CFS and FMS. It makes me sad. I can no longer go out and do things or even do much at home. Again, I’m very thankful for the Web.

    Breathing in, I take in the loneliness of everyone here. Breathing out, I let it all go. This is transformative meditation. Try it with me if you like.

    May your lives become Blessed with peace and contentment.

  20. I was widowed at 48 and raised my two daughters, lost my house and have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia. The pain is so bad that I am sick from work a lot. I am afraid of losing my job. It is the only place where I socialize. My friends distanced themselves from me when my husband died. My daughters have their own lives and I rarely see them. The tell me I am the best mom ever but I miss them terribly. It has been nine years of this. I dont know if I can ever make friends again. I am sorry for my story of woe but today is a bad day.

    • I understand completely, I too have been widowed and now suffer from fibromylagia and depression. I have not had a partner for 15 years and have no hope of ever meeting anyone again as no man look twice at me. I am currently studying for a degree, but am surrounded by young kids who for the best part think I am uncool. I just look mumsy I guess. It helps to know that other people are suffering as well.

  21. I can relate to feeling isolated and I guess it’s good to know others are in the same boat – not that misery loves company but I hear a couple of common themes. Similar to some here …I’m 49, married and had 4 kids right out of high school. I put in about 50 hours a week at a stressful job that I pretty much hate. Married to a nice guy but more often than not he’s like living with a 6 year old child, happy but clueless, therefore I get stuck with all the responsibilities. For most of my life, my faith had been a source of strength until experiences of a difficult and troubled teenaged daughter vanished my hope and I haven’t been able to find it since. I guess like others here, If I knew the answer I would pursue it – or write a book. : ) Just wanted to say we belong to a bigger group than we realize. Take care all.

  22. I’m very lonely at 54. I grew up in a large family, six children in all, and both my parents are gone. I rarely if ever hear from my siblings.
    I have a decent job,but I’d like to retire soon.
    As for friends, they’ve either died off, married off, or moved away. It’s very hard to be left out or left behind. On top of that I’m still a virgin-yes it can happen, and marriage never happened for me. I simply was not able to start dating until late 30s, and the few prospects I found were not what I wanted. After 40 you have very small chances of ever getting married, 5% for men, 1% for women–and I rarely see happy marriages. I miss having someone to do things with, but since my family life was emotionally barren–I learned to live with it. Holidays and birthdays are the hardest to take, but I get through them. I’m lucky to be alive, and I just work to get through today.
    Be a survivor not a whiner.

  23. The only real cures for loneliness are: pets, reading, exercise, prayer, and helping others.
    Give what you can, and it will come back to you.
    Loneliness feeds on being self-absorbed. A nice drive in the country helps too. Get out and don’t stay home alone, it just feeds the vicious circle of your pain.

    • I agree with you 100%. If you plunge into activities that you enjoy, you’ll greatly benefit. However, there will alwys be a yearning to find that special someone to share my life with.

    • i know get out get a dog ,whatever been there done that ,if you dont hve anyone to do things with life dont feel wright (yes) i feel the same way ihpoe you lve near me so we can talk

  24. Things can change. I wonder if Min is that happy now. Things can change when you brag. I am 55 I have a job I like, I’ve raised three chilldren and I have a grandson. I still feel lonely. My two sisters don’t like me although I’ve always tried to be family, they have cut me off from my nieces and nephews who always liked me, but they listen to their mothers. My daughters are pretty good, but I need someone my own age to understand what I am really dealing with. The aging the loss of looks, teeth, body sags etc. Oh yeah, I’m also getting dentures. sigh.

  25. I am surprised at how many people who have parents siblings partners and children and still feel lonely. I include myself in this I kept living in hope that my children would give me that security and sense of belonging I didn’t get as a child. It hasn’t happened and now at the age of 55 I still battle the pain of loneliness and although I am never envious of peoples lives I have become envious of those with families and the feeling of belonging.
    I have joined in groups but it doesn’t help with the internal pain of loneliness.
    I hear and listen to others talking about going out for meals or going on holiday with others and crave for that kind of life.
    I like others feel the desperation of loneliness and futile future which seems to have nothing to offer. I play games in my head and get annoyed that there our a lot of people out there who have got terminal illnesses that don’t deserve it. And i wish i could change places with them as I wouldn’t mind the option and it would allow someone who would like to live to have that choice.
    Loneliness is a form of terminal illness

    • I’ve just got my divorce and already feel lonely. Reading the posted stories makes me a bit more pessymistic about my future.
      I hoped to find someone with whom I could share the rest of my life, but, according to the posts, it’s very hard over 50.
      It’s easier for men. My 53-year old ex-husband left me for a woman 20 years younger than he, and they are trying to make a baby. Isn’t it typical?
      I’m trying to start my single life and I don’t know how to make more friends. It’s true that couples hang out with other couples. I dread the thought of being lonely during hollidays.
      I’m quite cheerful by nature and feel too young to stop enjoying life.

    • Amazing to read this post. You think you are the only one who thinks a certain way, (about feeling envious of folks who are doing this that and the other with their brothers/sisters/nieces/cousins etc.)It hurts so much when you have nurtured these relationships and yet you are invisible to these people. My tip for coping, focus on what there is in your life not what there isn’t-faith and pets help too.xx

  26. I raised my two young kids alone after divorcing from a 15 year marriage. Both kids went off to college, eager and anxious to experience their independence. I miss them terribly and am very lonely and it’s been a year since they left home. It’s so difficult to find the motivation to get out there and open myself to new interests as many have suggested to me, to move forward with my life. I just feel old and tired! I don’t enjoy doing things alone and never have. But I found that no matter how horrible I feel, if I just “go through the motions” of doing things like bicycling, going for a walk, participating in the community, with persistence it eventually feels less like “pretending” and gains more meaning. It helps. Also doing something that helps others like volunteering can really give you a sense of new purpose and belonging. I still struggle with loneliness and depression but I hope you all don’t ever give up. Life is worth living. Besides, you never know what you’ll find around the next corner. Life can change for the better in an instant. Don’t ever give up hope.

  27. i am in my 60 and my life partner is older and not well, no real companionship or god forbid sex. i struggle all the time with the resentment of being in essence a nurse and head of household. no longer am in love and i need something else am not sure what, sometimes i think a boyfriend, i have a lot of family but want something just for me. maybe that just around the corner will be found. am lonely

  28. I’m 61 years old and very lonely since my son went off to college, then work 5 years ago. Lost most of my close friends to moving, or their involvement in family, grandkids. I have tried everything – hobbies, volunteer, church, exercise, etc and still continue to do these activities. I also reached out to relatives and re-established some relationships. I have been on anti-depressants on & off & had counseling. Most of the time I do OK, and some times feel quite happy, but the greatest amount of time I feel a deep, lingering loneliness.

    I am married but my husband works full time and has many hobbies. I miss my friends and adult children. The volunteer groups I belong to have not provided any one on one “authentic” friendships, just temporary, superficial visiting when we get together.

    For me, only my children have ever provided that deep fullfillment and purpose, but they both live far away. I get very envious of others I see who have their adult kids and/or grandkids nearby & spend a lot of time with them.

    I think this is a very common situation – loneliness after kids are grown, friends move or lose contact, and/or marriages end, or change.

    I will absolutely continue to pursue those activities I still do, but it is getting more difficult. Anti-depressants did help for a time, but eventually you get immunune & have to change to another or get off for awhile. I do believe people who have a strong faith seem less lonely, but then those same people may have close family or friends, so who knows the answer.

  29. Hi
    I agree with the wiseone it is very, very hard to keep going.
    My husband and me have had no real family and have reared our family on our own from the ages of 19/21 now we are in our early 50′s and are very lonely, we thought that we would be involved in our childrens family’s but that’s not happend and this has caused great pain and emptiness. I feel we have had a bit of a double whammy no previous family and no future family makes life really lonely.
    We try to compensate by going on holiday but after so long together I would like to have more of a social life. My husband is a good man and on his own he’s good company but it is very hard when he is with other couples due to his poor social skills and he finds it difficult to ‘talk’ to others.
    It has always been that way and I could manage it when the children were younger and we worked but now we are on our own it has highlighted how socially lonely I am. If the children were more involved in our lives then I don’t think it would be so bad but not having anything is real hard.
    I wonder how people managed before computers t.v. as I can spend many hours watching t.v. and trawling the internet to keep myself occupied.
    thank you for listening

  30. This is an interesting and helpful forum. I am a 45 year old man, recently divorced, and find myself trying to make sense of who and where I am. My marriage probably ended due to a combination of the lack of children (we couldn’t have them) and diverging interests/values. I am fortunate to have a relatively good job, which provides me with financial stability (though my office now has half as many people as 18 months ago which has been very stressful) and mental/social stimulation. However, I live far from my mom and sister (who has a family), and find myself craving deeper emotional interaction and wishing that I had a family of my own. It seems way too late to try to start again though, so I am thinking of doing some volunteering with families/kids. Exercise seems to boost my mood, as does chatting on the phone with friends. Life is certainly more challenging than I had expected.

  31. Where ARE all these women? I am in Rhode Island. I’m 51 and single. I own property and my own business. I am literate, sane and not afraid of bathing. I even like kids and animals. I am NOT afraid of comittment, and in fact would dearly LOVE to be married again. Why do I find it impossible to find that “special someone”?

    • I am 60 years old and very frustrated because seven years have passed and there are no decent single men in my age group. I guess Mr. Right will appear by accident or when I least expect him to.
      So, don’t give up….just keep the faith.

    • Could be because you sound so needed, like you want to skip all the getting to know someone and jump right into marriage. No matter how much it hurt to get divorced (if that’s your case) trying to put yourself in the position you were once in, would be a mistake. No matter how bad it sounds, in order to build a healthy relationship you’ll need to go through all that stuff you went through before you got married the 1st time. Tell people that you are ready to get married again is probably scarring the hell out of potential mates.

    • Well, Tom, I’d have to say we women are scattered around the globe. And we are asking the very same question you are asking! What to do?!

      I mean, here I am, still smart and great looking, well educated, heart of gold, loving, kind, spiritual, solid values and an amazing catch. BUT NO MEN AROUND!!!!

  32. Hey Tom,

    Thanks for making me smile, I never realized there were so many people out there feeling as lonely as me….glad to see that you at least haven’t lost your sense of humour and view this from the other point of view. You’ve given me hope that maybe one day I’ll find someone who will help me get past the loneliness.

  33. I am 55 years, female. i HAVE A SEVERE AUTISTIC SON ,AND MY PRECIOUS DAUGHTER HAS JUST BROKE HER NECK IN A TRAFFIC ACCIDENT IN cHILE. I AM DIVORCED. MY PAIN AND LONLINESS IS UNBEARABLE

    • Oh, Leslie!
      I am so sorry.

      But I don’t feel relationships or anything outside of ourselves can really heal our emotions.
      It’s not like I have never suffered severe emotional pain, please understand me right – I just
      came to know that what I really had to do was go deep within, and for me that vehicle was meditation.

      It takes some time, but trust me, it does the job.
      Prayer helps, faith helps.
      Life is not meant to be a day at the beach, apparently. Someone told me this world is like one big gymnasium where events come up for us to develop our spiritual muscles.

      It must be super tough for people who don’t believe in a higher power. But who am I to say what is right or not. Just trying to reach out and hope something I say will make a positive difference for a fellow human being.

  34. Tom–Your message made me smile! I feel just like you do. I’m a 45 year old divorced female with no kids. After the divorce several years ago, I threw my self into work, got several promotions and by some accounts, would be considered fairly successful. But I have now realized that so much is missing in my life. –Still haven’t succumbed to online dating, but my resolve is weakening. Ugghh! I hope you and I both find what we’re looking for.

  35. I am 64. I raised 4 children. All but one live in other states and my daughter who lives here doesn’t really want to include me in her life. I am married, but my husband has always been uncommunicative and is getting more so all the time. In fact he is turning into a grumpy old man. All he wants to do is watch TV, eat and sleep. He has had prostrate touble for years and so we haven’t had sex in about 10 years. I don’t have any friends because my husband’s job always entialed us moving every few years and I finally just gave up trying to make new friends. I talk to people online, but sometimes that seems so pointless. I am so lonely that sometimes I just spend all day crying.

  36. I need to find some friends, the ones i had moved or have passed on. I would love to get out and do thing but i do not know anyone. I am 54 a good fun person. I looking for local friends, Northwest Suburb’s of Illinois. I will also have some email friends. :) I know there is people out there like me we just need to find each other

  37. It’s really refreshing to find that I’m not the only one, it felt like it! I’m 47 and brought up 2 kids who left home 6 years ago. I was devistated as it was a suprise and I just sat around like someone had died. My partner of 12 years became very withdrawn also and suddenly our relationship ceased to have a point to it. It ended when he started not coming home some months later and refusing to talk. I couldn’t afford the bills so moved to a cheaper place which I loathed. My dog of 18 years died and then it was just me – all change in 12 months. I have no family at all. I plunged myself into work, I made big efforts to make friends, I tried dating. It was ok, then 5 years on (last year) I had a breakdown. Now my employer has dismissed me and I live on welfare benefits. No one will employ me with sickness record. 8 months ago I fpund a lump and had tests for cancer. I planned my funeral, it would be a fabulous party, a big send off. I would quit while ahead. I got the all clear. I sunk because I just couldn’t go on. I wanted out with dignity and care. Since then I make sure I do stuff, but its 90% alone, but I feel like a zoo animal just kept alive for I don’t know what. Men scare me and I dated vigourously after relationship ended but had bad experiences so gave up after 4 years. Things will get better, they can’t get any worse. I will not be beaten and I will find love and the care in my soul I need.

  38. The loneliness started for me after graduating college. For my entire life, including college, I was an athlete, surrounded by people with a singular purpose. And then it stopped. Everyone graduated and moved for jobs or family. I sat in an apartment, after finishing my day job, and thought “what the heck?” I have never been able to reinvent that sense of tribe. Now it feels like I was banished and get to watch from the outside.

    I recognize that others feel empty and lonely – it is in their eyes at grocery stores. I have tried to fill the ‘void’ by getting married, work, travel, kids etc.

    The loneliness/depression is like a kick in the gut. Not only am I sad today but I don’t have naything to look forward to – that is when it hurts most and leads me to these sites.

    I often think that we, as people, were meant to live in small tribes where we knew, cared and valued eachother. Maybe its my Native American blood.

    I am trying to use meetup.com and just go for drives. Maybe I’ll go for a bike ride. (I am 37 years old.)

  39. I’m a 49 yr old, single woman, divorced with no children. I too have an “anti-family” (good phrase)- 2 siblings whom I no longer speak with or have any relationship with. I’ve always been a relatively outgoing person, and I travel alone, etc. but I’m terribly lonely and it’s starting to eat away at me. I too volunteer, try to keep myself busy, and have superficial, friendly relationships with co-workers and such, but I long for a deeper, more meaningful connection. There are parts of my life that I do love, i.e. freedom, but holidays and birthdays are so terribly painful. I can’t figure out why its so hard to form bonds with people or meet a companion. I also feel very anxious when I think about getting older and being alone, or sick and dying alone. I had minor surgery a few months back and didn’t have anyone to put on my emergency contact list and it upset me terribly. I do know that life can change when you least expect it, I am hoping that will be the case for me and I will meet at least a few people in my life with whom I will find a deep connection. This is a good site, there are many people here who are not alone in the sense that we are in the same boat. Peace.

    • Hi KM,

      I too am 49 years old. I have 2 kids and am married but still very much alone. My husband has his friends that he does things like golf and bowl with, but we no longer have any couple friends. My own friends, people with whom I had friendships with the past 20 years, have decided somewhere along the way that it was a burden to keep in touch and no longe return phone calls or emails. I don’t work so don’t have the connection of the workplace. I think I am fun, very caring, interesting with some good hobbies. If you are near the Kansas City area, maybe we can get in touch.

  40. I’m so lonely @ times that I get physical pain. I’m lonely. So… and? Only I give a damned.

  41. I, too, feel very lonely. I am 54, male, and never married with no kids. It seems like it’s been this way all of my life. As the days go by, it looks more bleak to the point that I have given up ever having someone.

    It is very hard for me to get out there and make friends. I have done that for so long and it has never worked.

    There are times when I don’t mind being alone, but there times when it’s hard. Especially when things go rough or when something good really happens and there’s no one to share it with.

    I hear of so many women crying about how hard it is to find men or to get them. Well, where are these women? Many women that I know are happily taken.

    • Hi Wil-You wrote your message some time ago. There are so many seemingly compatible female messages that you MUST have found someone by now! You sound sad, but don’t give up.

      • Bumblebee – thanks for replying. I was shocked that it was way back last April and then just get a reply recently. Better late than never.

        I still don’t have someone right now. There hasn’t been any prospects, except for one, but she lied to me a lot so that ended. It was only a prospect for a date, not a real date.

        I guess I’m living in the wrong area. I’m still coming across women that are taken. If they are not, then it seems very competitive. You hear so much about women crying about the lack of men, but you don’t hear much about men complaining. But they are out there, trust me!

        I am involved in another board that’s like this one. It’s more active than here. So many women venting there.

        Funny thing was that last year, I had a few prospects and dates. It was pretty hopping at one time. I don’t know what happened. It all dried off. Anyways, in that process, I didn’t find the right one.

  42. So I’m not alone in this, I guess! I’m 46, educated, attractive, with lots of interests but cannot seem to make real friends. I’m the sort who will help anyone in need but more often than not, I get used in the process.

    Most recently, I helped a “friend” get back on her feet by allowing her to stay with me until she found an affordable apartment. I gave her clothes, provided meals, and was very supportive. But now that she’s back on her feet, I don’t hear from her. This sort of thing happens a lot — people call me when they need something but, otherwise, I’m forgotten and alone.

    My grown son behaves similarly. He wanted me to move closer to him but, shortly after I did, he decided he had his own life and only calls when he needs something. I’m not the clingy or needy sort but it really would be nice for people to call just to chat or suggest doing something fun from time to time.

    The irony is that I am dealing with two autoimmune diseases but I take good care to stay positive and independent. I don’t call to cry on people’s shoulders and rarely do I ask for assistance. In fact, others comment on my good attitude and cheerfulness. So, why do I attract the users? I don’t understand.

    It seems as though people in my neck of the woods have their comfortable cliques and aren’t interested in meeting new friends. As for dating, I’ve tried the online thing and it hasn’t worked out at all. It seems full of men who have been emotionally damaged or who want Angelina Jolie, even though they have beer bellies and bad attitudes, lol!

    I try to be hopeful and keep trying but it gets harder day by day.

    • Wow Brit, sorry your going through all these issues. You sound like a great person, maybe a little to great, but who am I to say. I also am divorced (recently) 48 and have a autoimmune diseases. I think sometimes because we don’t want to be a burden we offer ourselves up to much. It’s like we’re determined to show people that we can handle things on our on. And we can, but we have to watch because we give off singles sometimes that kinda put people off. They are afraid to get close to us, because of the unknown that goes along with autoimmune issues. Most middle age people don’t want to take a chance on loosing someone else, and they see us as a chance. But hang in there when you finally make contact with that person whom really gets to know you, you’ll know and they want be scared. Good Luck and I wish I could meet you.

  43. Im 48,Ihave 3 kids,all are grown up and can stand in their own feet.My husband an alchoholic who live with my younger son.I live with my daughter and she works in a Legal company.All day i’m alone and feel very lonely.I have depression and iam taking the medicine for the past 2 years.I wish i will get a true friend.

  44. Firstl let me say that I wish none of were experiencing the pain of loneliness. It can be unbearable at times. But I suppose misery loves company and it does make me feel better to know I’m not alone.

    It’s been a rough year for me. I’m 45. I thought I had found the person I was meant to grow old with. We were together 10 years. Seven months ago she had an affair with a former friend of mine and filed for divorce.

    We had no children and doted all of our attention on our cat. A few months before my wife’s affair our cat died. Anyone who has animals probably knows how much this can devastate you. So two whammies in my life within 4 months of each other.

    About a year ago I began having breathing problems. They worsened over the course of the year and I have recently been diagnosed with asthma. Not a horrible diagnosis but not great either.

    Almost forgot to mention, I’m bi-polar. So I walk around daily on the verge of tears and lump in my throat hoping I can have a little burst of euphoria just to supplement my depression.

    I guess I can’t blame her for leaving. I’m a mess.

    Oh, I also discovered that my ex had taken out additional credit cards in my name and charged upwards of $10,000 on them that I’m responsible for along with all the other debt. I have no equity in a home.

    I just feel lost. In limbo. I have no passion for life anymore. I pass the moments and the days doing the same thing I did the day before and the day before that. I feel helpless. Unable to move forward. Nothing feels important. Everything just feels pointless. I feel I’ve lost a connection with people. I walk around and observe them but don’t feel a part of them. When I have conversations with the few friends I have, the smile is fake. Inside I just feel empty.

  45. Hi Guys

    I am 48 years old and have been widowed for 15 years. I have been on my own the whole time. I use to be quite attractive until I was talked into having some plastic surgery by a plastic surgeon who ruined my face, I initially just wanted a little eye tuck. i was going to sue him, but then my brother died adn I did not have it in me. So now i am condemned to a life of loneliness as i am totally invisible to 100% of men.. I am now trapped by being ugly, as no man wants to be with an ugly woman, I know you will say “looks aren’t everything” but no man is ever going to try to get to know you unless you are either stuck together on a desert island or he finds you attractive enough to want to get to know you. I have tryed internet dating and have been rejected about 50 times before I finally gave up. I no longer feel a part of the female race, but rather some thing that just occupies some coordinates in space.

    • Hi Dolly

      You’re not alone in that feeling. The number of guys, including me, feel the same way. I don’t know when it happened. It seemed after my divorce in 2003, when the ring came off I turned into a leper. I worked in an office building with over 1000 women. You have no idea how badly it hurts to say hello or hi or how are you and be met with silence, a look of disgust or their eyes look away as they brush the wall trying to avoid you. I hated going to work where I wasn’t a human. Years of internet dating sites and not one sign of interest and my attempts at contact ignored. Too old, too short, not “buff” enough and not successfull enough. People need to be more realistic of what is truly the most important thing in a relationship. Looks alone are a very small factor in the end.

  46. I’m 56, never married, no kids and used to be described as beautiful. Any boyfriends I had in the past treated me like shit. Why? Why? Rejection now is almost unbearable. Will I ever have sex again? And with a man I desire, who desires me?
    I have artistic skills but lost my job as an art department head 3 years ago (company collapse). The year before I had 3 major bereavements, 3 people who loved me. Leaving only one now. I have friends who say “Love you!” as we finish a phone call or visit but we go months without contact. I doubt I will leave a gap in their lives when I die. I have 3 friends who have confessed to turning me into a mother figure. They call or text for advice or reassurance and then say “So, how are you?” at the end. I have occasionally said “Not too good- Sometimes I need support too”. I swear, every time this has happened the person hasn’t responded.
    Now I live on some dwindling inheritance money, no job, no-one to be close with, and I always thought if I had some time and money I would do some exciting art projects of my own. I have loads of ideas. But I have no motivation. There’s no-one to be proud of me. I have taken some organised group holidays and come home with my bags and there’s no-one who wants to see my photos or hear my adventures.
    I do the internet thing and found someone a few years back but his interest gradually waned, we lived in different countries, but that was the last time I had hope. The weirdest men contact me, men who seem not to have read any of my profile, or can’t spell or write to the point I can’t read what they’ve put.
    I know I don’t have some of the disasters and illnesses of some on here. My heart goes out to you. All I know is I feel very like you all. I’m just taking up space, sliding towards the edge. I long to be young again and have another go. My hope is nearly all gone. As a woman of 56, what do I have to get hopeful about? Maybe I’m done. I’m crying now. Love to you all. x

    • Sorry to hear about all of this. Yet so much of what you said is what I can relate to, or I feel the same way.

      I too feel like my opportunities to ever have a relationship with a woman has dried up. Who would want to be with a man, 55, never married, and had very limited experiences?

      I have been hearing a lot from women (on the net that is) saying how hard it is to find an available man; and that all of the men are taken, even the not-so good looking ones. For some reason when you’re single and struggling, it seems like the opposite gender has it easier and is in command.

      That’s not true with me. In my world all of the women are taken, even the middle aged and older women that are not that attractive. And yet there seems to be so many guys I know that are struggling to find someone.

    • Hi Monbretia,
      I am a 45 year old woman who feels the same way you do. Your post was written beautifully and it made me cry. I am also an artist, and I know how hard it is to finish projects when it seems like no one else cares. After alot of procrastination I finally opened my Etsy store. I am willing to be an art buddy! You can look at my work here: http://www.vickiyoung.com and https://picasaweb.google.com/111511315883265988979
      I would be happy to hear from you!

      A few other art communities to visit on line are Planet Sark, Willowing and Friends and Gritty Jane’s site.

      I hope to hear from you!
      Vicki

  47. I am 54 with no family at all (parents gone, no siblings, never married and no children) and every day I battle loneliness and depression and wish, in my heart of hearts, that I wasn’t here. I make a strong effort to go out and meet people and have built a social life for myself, but the emptiness of not having a partner or any family eats away at me all the time. At the centre of my life there is a void where love and belonging should be. I try to see life as a gift, but it feels more like a punishment.

  48. Im a 43 year old white male, waited to find the right person, I thought I did. Pretty lady a little younger, hispanic. She wanted a family and so did I married five years, when the baby turned one and she decided the responsability wasnt for her and ran off, I thought well I am a average guy I can meet someone special again, boy was I wrong, you cant hardly meet people our age then a 43 year old with a three year old son, women just dont want nothing to do with, I am happy taking care of my baby alone but sometime I feel so depressed cause I have no one in my life.

  49. I am so lonely and every day in my heart of hearts I would like to pass to the next world. I am mid fifties, female and with no family at all, and the fear I feel with the lack of a support network is overwhelming. Friendship is limited and cannot replace family. I do envy those with good marriages and children and with siblings, and would love to be in their shoes. Life and its troubles would be far easier to manage if I didn’t have to do it all with noone in my corner. People see me as strong and independent, but inside I long to be cared for and to matter to someone.

    • Dear Chris,
      Try to cheer up. It is how you feel about things but not the things themselves. what do you like to do the most and do it. I also think, that there are no new friends who can make us happy if we are not fortunate enough to have the old ones. I know, what works for me – very good to have a dog. Dog is a great companion – he is the one who is going to love you with all he has. You will walk the dog – will be out of premises 3 times per day (rain/snow)- it is good for your body and mind. You will make a lot of friends – also dog owners – all good and kind people.
      If not a dog – get a cat. Cat is also going to love you – also very affectionate body and not requires to be walked (if you do not like walking part). If not a cat – you can buy a rat (white rat in pet store). They sold as a pray for big snakes. Rats are very smart, could be very affectionate (if you do not mind long pink tail). I love animals and love what animals give me back is very important to me. I am 67, 2 years retired and single mom all my life. My son is 33 years old now, finishing fellowship and moves to another state. So, all my dreams to have grand children, babysit for them, love them and be loved in return got covered with copper pan (I try to translate Russian saying). So honey, this is a life. I do not have relatives (at list ones who would be any good) and friends with whom I socialize because I am not very sociable myself. So Chris, if we do not have friends, may be because we do not like strangers. It is not so bad that we do not have relatives – it is much worse to have bad ones. Sometimes, when I feel blues – vodka cocktail and good book also help. Sometimes – funny book but mostly sad book – which tells, that many many people endure terrible hardship and real tragedy in life. Were arrested, send to concentration camp or shot, died from starvation or see their loved ones suffering – World full of real misery.
      But the best remedy from the loneliness I know – is the love you give and get back; to the child when it is small (but they grow up and leave us) or animals (they are never grow up, but die and also leave us) or even plants, you water them and they also would love you back because they are also alive. You can feed the birds outside your house.
      And Chris – there is always someone in your corner. This someone is the God, if you are believer or somebody from your past who loved you. In my corner there is my dear dad and my grandmother- does not matter that they are both dead for many years. And of course, I feel the hands of the God over me.
      Cheer up, love. Our glass is always rather half of full that half empty.

      • Love your post. Very wise words. I wish we were friends.

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