Here’s a good article if you’re spending your Saturday night on the Internet: Bipolar Disorder and Dating. Bipolar World offers some cautions and concerns for both the bipolar and non-bipolar partners, including this:
Another consideration for those with bipolar disorder and dating is when one …
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I don’t think it’s unfair for them to turn tail and run at all! Have you seen the support forums online for the spouses of people with bipolar disorder? You’d be hard pressed to find a more miserable group of people! People need to take care of themselves first, and that means quit dating someone who you know for a fact is going to be emotionally abusive.
I agree with the previous post. Everything revolves around the bipolar sufferer and THEIR needs. Even the services will not give information to supporting friends….unlike any other illness. If you get involved with a bipolar sufferer, believe me….YOU WILL GET ABUSED….again and again and then YOU are the one that ends up ill. All because many sufferers are so grandiose and do not believe that they are ill…..and swear, scream and abuse all the time…..as many WILL NOT take medication.
Steer clear of them all.
Yeah…im bipolar recently found out after being misdiagnosed as being ADHD as a child (stupid doctor) and while ive beaten people through tons of fights for the slightest reasons ive never raised a hand at my fiance, i’ve never hurt her like that i would die first, there would be no waiting i would take a butcher knife and stick it all the way into my neck until i was dead.
we’ve argued over stupid shit when we’re stressed when im far away but ive never hurt her emotionally on the level you dirty bitches seem to think bipolar people do, sure some will because they’re just assholes or they havent figured it out yet what they should do, see my mom at a young age introduced me to karate in the hopes it would give me focus and it works.
course thats why i got in alot of fights after not for the same crap though, it was always me defending a weaker person against a bully, lol i was the muscle for hire at my school, a hershey bar got an insanely good body guard to walk you to and from class and deal with anyone who messed with you
but still never struck a girlfriend, a tad over protective maybe , you’re gonna fight in a relationship, if you’re not you just dont care about one another so fight, piss and moan at each other and at the end of the day look into his/her eyes and say you would rather die than think for one second you’re not loved
I am afraid I must agree somewhat with the two previous responses. At this time, I have just ended a relationship with a bipolar sufferer. Before you judge, please understand a few things. 1) it is very much in my nature to be loyal, and this decision did not come easy at all. 2) every effort has been made to participate in counseling, etc… 3) every effort has been made to be open to anything my girlfriend could share about what she was dealing with. What was learned is this. 1) She was not taking her medication as it was prescribed. 2) She had learned the art of using this condition as a menthod to manipulate others, and consequently relieve herself of any burden of responsibility for her actions. 3) As incredibly intelligent as she was, she avoided using her own better judgment which was readily available to her ie. abused alcohol even though she was well aware of the fact that it would initiate a drastic mood swing, etc..
When it was all said and done, as much as I felt the desire to stay and help see her through this, it was all ultimately obvious: She was unwilling to make the effort, and she had no desire to change. In this case, it is pretty difficult to stand by someone with bipolar disorder when they are not willing to deal with it themselves. I don’t know if this is a common trait, but it is definitely what I dealt with.
I have to disagree with the above posts. I have bipolar disorder, and I have learned to manage it quite well. I am not at all abusive, and have been in a happy relationship for years in which he and I are able to be supportive for eachother. People should not generalize. Not everyone with bipolar disorder is “abusive” or in denial.
Thank you Catherine. You simply cannot clump us all into one category. It sickens me that people like the above posters are so naive and unwilling to educate themselves instead of judge and dismiss.
I have found the most amazing man who seems to have accepted this disease. I am not abusive to him only offer my love to him and in return he offers his. When he sees something that will trigger it, he merely takes control of the situation. Thus saying not everyone should run, they should just learn that areas of a bipolar person are weaker than others. So again i disagree totally that it is all out the ill person. Its a mutal understanding between both parties involved.
So I meet this guy and we have this crazy connection, unlike any other. We have a lot in common and I feel like I love him and he say he loves me too. Well the other day he says “I’m bipolar”. My feelings haven’t changed, but now I’m like well does he really know how he feels?, how good of a boyfriend/husband can he be? And most importantly at what risk does he have for passing this on to his children. I think he said its hereditary….please help.
Marisol, I have bipolar and sometimes my feelings seem more intense than others, but I can still distinguish when I love someone and when I don’t. AS for being hereditary, when one parent is bipolar, each child has a 15%-30% chance of developing the condition. When both parents have the illness, the risk jumps to between 50% and 75%. In my opinion, the risk of having a bipolar child is pretty low, considering that you can have a bipolar child without being bipolar or having a bipolar partner.
I would also like to say that I am not abusive or in denial, I take my meds as prescribed and pretty much have it under control. I don’t let the disease define me or control me nor do I use it as an excuse for bad behavior. It’s not right to generalize, I live a normal, healthy life. I just have to work harder at staying balanced that non bipolar people.
I just got out of a relationship with a bipolar girl. She didnt have enough money to get her medication when I was with her. I offered her to take her to a doctor, called around for a good one, and set up the appointment. She cancelled it for some work related thing which she never did anyways.
The worst relationship of all relationships I have ever been in. It was really great in the beginning and then it turned upside down. From trying to jump out of a car (while trying to get to a destination she had to get to and I wasn’t driving enough for her – I was going the speed limit). From cheating (from telling me she had been raped in the past, sex was a difficult topic for her – she brought it up) and then to communicate with another person with sexual stuff you would hear on porn sites and such). At first, she was very normal. She still had her Lithium 300 and xanax. She ran out of her Lithium 300, and only much later did she tell me about it. She got kicked out of where she was living (she was already homeless and staying with a friend when I first met her). I tried to get her help with a doctor, helped her financially, and out of the blue she started changing. She didnt initially say why. She would disappear for days, not return any calls, and then call me during the work day after the weekend as if nothing happened. I suspect she was having more affairs than anyone I ever heard of (maybe 3,4,5) besides our relationship which we became boyfriend and girlfriend (no sex was involved whatsoever in the relationship). She was overconsumed with anxieties (real everyday problems – financially related and family related), hung out with those which took advantage of her (getting her drunk, putting ectasy in her drinks, etc). She missed big events for her own work – modelling because she was too drunk or drugged up by others putting stuff in her drinks.
Currently, we are not seeing each other and it came out of the blue – I discovered that one of her friends was a sexual maniac with her. She swore that they were just friends up to that day I found out. Ever since, she has been drastically changing, with problems with another sibling of hers who apparently might also have bipolar disorder and was rushed to a hospital.
Wow, multiple personalities, etc. Too bad because inside the real person is very nice, sweet, etc but then she started flipping out. She told me she had sex with this other guy because she liked that he had forced it on her. She said she had been raped in the past by others and tried to commit suicide on multiple occassions. Very tough to deal with this girl in any capacity.
Gosh….I have read all these posts and and it just makes me sad. I was diagnosed with bipolar about 4 years ago. I was a mess. It took 3 years to stabilize, and even that has been a dificult road.
I deeply simpathise with all the post above by non-bipolars…you had a hard time. Controlling this behaviour is a daily struggle, and too often we make it the responsibility of those around us to fix us. They can’t.
I have allowed it to hurt a man I love very much….and I have no idea if he will be able to forgive me. I am also very afraid that I will keep on being abusive and that I cannot change. This is my greatest fear.
I’m a little curious on some feedback about a girl I WAS dating recently who is bipolar. She never told me she was bipolar – we’ve been friends for 2 years and only dated a few months. I actually found out about her being bipolar from a mutual friend of ours who is friends her ex who she dated for a very long time, and this was after we broke up.
anyways – we started dating this past april and things started off really fun and natural. I’ve always known her to be very happy, and VERY intense which makes sense now because she was probably in a manic stage. Either way after a month we were together her life started flipping upside down. She got a management position where her boss literally handed her the keys and credit card and told her to manage a salon of 5 girls, on top of that she abruptly got kicked out of her house literally out of the blue and she was having family problems, etc. Among that and some other things that were going on our relationship went from very fun and natural to her literally distancing herself and being very closed and different which I didn’t understand until my friend told me what it probably was – her being in a depressive state more than likely. because she was always quiet and somber on the phone and at times she would tell me she was extremely irritable.
Either way when we were together for some reason we would still talk on the phone everyday and go out maybe once a week but after just casual dating for a few months and me wanting to take it to the next step (still not knowing she was bipolar at this point) she would say she “couldn’t have/deal/support a boyfriend” right now. I still am not sure, part of me believes that it’s just that she doesn’t want to be with me and the other part of me is wondering if it could be because of her being bipolar and how everything is still effecting her life right now that she literally just cant have a boyfriend right now.
I’ve been very confused by it because she has ALWAYS really liked me and I still care about her tremendously though we decided to stop dating. A professional told me in casual conversation that yeah maybe shes being honest and can’t handle a boyfriend right now because she can’t even handle herself with everything going on in her life. – has anyone who is bipolar ever felt like that or does this sound along the right line?? From knowing what a great girl she is I’d like to believe she wouldn’t just try to string me along but I don’t know!
Also, though we’re friends right now I would really like to tell her that I know she is bipolar or talk to her about it. She told me once when I saw her taking a pill that it was lithium but she said she takes it was for her “depression and anxiety” (this is still when i didn’t know for a fact but it made me start to wonder. – but regardless I would like to tell her i know and it’s okay but i don’t know how or if I even should. any suggestions? because part of me also thinks that she isn’t sure about us because she might think that I might judge her or wouldn’t understand what she is going through bceause of her illness.
Please let me know your feedback I’d really like to know because I still care about her a lot and want to be there for her regardless if its a friend or boyfriend. Thanks!
in addition: i forgot to add… I know there is different types of bipolar. A lot of what I have read describes her to the max though. Whenever we have gone out in a group she is the life of the party, she recently moved home to pay off credit card debt because she literally would rendomly decide to go on shopping sprees, she does what she wants when she wants and doesn’t care what people think, when we were dating there were times where we would be a week where we would hang out all the time, then another week where she wouldn’t want anything to do with me (or so it seeemed) and she’d hang out with her friends and be very short and passive with me on the phone.
She went to college her first year away from home then moved back – our mutual friend who knows about her disorder told me that the reason why she moved home was because her stress level and mood swings were out the roof because she didn’t have a support system while away. So i was thinking maybe that is what she is going through since I’ve heard and read that someone who is bipolar can go into a depressive state for not only days or weeks but months at a time. With a stressful management job and working 45+ hrs a week in her early 20′s, and everything else she is/was going through to me it makes sense..but I don’t know if anyone else has experienced this or not or if it could in fact play into her illness??
Also there were times when we were supposed to go out, two times i can remember in particular where she was incredibly late because she overslept. I was incredibly pissed at her at the time because I thought it was her just being inconsiderate (and I didn’t know at the time yet she was bipolar) but after researching it a ton i learned that people with this illness at times will go with little to almost no sleep (which I’ve seen her do before) and then at other times when they are in a depressive state they may require a ton of sleep – which i see now that I know is probably what the case was when she would be late because she “overslept”
There were also times where like i said she could be the sweetest girl in the world. and then other times where, I don’t want to say she would be verbally abusive, but she would be very short and passive aggressive with me with her words, etc.
I really want to tell her that I know and I understand now but I don’t know how or if I should. Part of the reason we stopped dating is because she said she didn’t know if i could “handle her” which I see now her illness is probably what she meant, but once again i didn’t know at the time because she never told me. any feedback would be appreciated. Thank you again!
I just started dating this amazingly sweet guy about a month ago. He is so intelligent, sweet, and very attentive to everything I say. I thought I found the perfect guy. He is 25, but doesn’t have a job. I thought that was a bit off since usually, guys at that age have at least a part-time job. He is a college student too, so I figured that he just wants to focus on his studies.
He just told me that he is bipolar. I really like him, but I need to know, what am I getting myself into? it’s only been one month, but we both really like each other and I don’t want to hurt his feelings. It’s just that after having read all of these posts, I’m a bit scared. I don’t think I can handle it. I’m afraid that i might do something that will trigger an episode. I care about him a lot and don’t want to hurt him.
Are all bipolar sufferers abusive? can they maintain a job? do they all spend money wrecklessly?
I’m crying as I type this, because I really care about him. He’s a wonderful human being and I would like to get to know him better, but I don’t know if I can handle it and possibly cause problems for him in the future. pleas help me understand that this disorder better. I’ve just spent 4 hours reading articles on this disorder. is there anything else that you can tell me.
Is there anything else that I can tell you… to answer your questions, not all bipolar sufferers are abusive deadbeats. Some are very high functioning nice people with good careers and successful relationships. The difference is that the person is aware of their disorder and works to accomodate and treat it. If your boyfriend is doing well on his treatment plan and sticks to it, and is willing to go to therapy with you when things are iffy, then you’ve got a good shot at working things out. But if he’s stuck in a rut and not doing anything to help himself then I wouldn’t expect him to suddenly become a great mate.
This is only my general opinion since I don’t know either of you or any details, and I’m not a doctor. Every situation is different.
Consider going to couple’s counseling to make sure you’re both on the same track and are prepared for what may happen. That’s a sensible thing for any couple to do, not just if you have a bipolar partner.
Sandra, thank you so much for your time and for sharing your advice. It really means a lot to me, since I am torn at this point–should I stay in this relationship or should I leave now when we are only a month into the relationship.
He has completely stopped abusing drugs and alcohol for two years, says the smell of cigarettes gross him out.
He’s addicted to games and movies.
those are his only “flaws.” you see, he’s perfect. He’s such a sweetheart and I am falling for him. But, I am scared. I don’t want to have a divorce in the future especially when I know that I really have the potential to fall madly in love with him.
I read in several aryicles and posts that the non-bipolar partner will often be emotionally abused and sometimes physically. I don’t want to worry about him committing suicide. I genuinely care about him. he’s a beautiful person.
he tells me that he sleeps for 14 hours sometimes. He’s not sad. He seems very well- balanced. If anything, he seems sensitive, which I find attractive. He’s intelligent.
He’s been coming to church with me, because I had requested that he does, and he seems to enjoy it. he even thanked me for bringing him to church. he says that he feels good going to church and that he’s not wasting his life playing games all day and sleeping.
I don’t know what else I can tell you. I’ve known him only for a month.
I know my parents would shoot him down once they find out taht he has bipolar. I’m so scared and confused.
I just don’t want to harm him in anyway. Should I stay in the relationship or if I stayed and we end up not working out, would it only end up hurting him?
I’m bipolar and yes,it messed up a few relationships before I was diagnosed. I finally have it under control with my meds and have been able to recognize the mood shifts before they get too bad.
I am happily in a relationship with someone who is schizophrenic. Having one person in a relationship with a mental illness is bad enough, but with both it is a challenge. Dating has always been difficult for us due to not finding understanding partners.
We have found that being open about our feelings and overall moods is what works best for us. Both of us have read up on the others illness and have learned to recognize the signs in each other when something is “off”. Any arguments or problems that may arise we stop and see if its due to our illnesses.Once we are in the right frame of mind together then we talk it out.
It is so very important for both partners to be supportive and to get counseling. (even if you aren’t the one with the mental illness)
Honesty, understanding and love will conquer all. Not all people with mental illnesses are bad. Some of us are able to hold down jobs, have familys and be successful. It’s the ones in denial about their illnesses and the people who shun them that make it worse.
…would it hurt my boyfriend if I ask him quetsions about his episodes? I don’t know what type of bipolar disorder he has, when his last episode was, if he is on medications, or any details. He seems completely normal. I REALLY don’t want to hurt him. He’s wonderful. BUt, I have questions. Is it too soon to ask? it’s only been a month since we started dating. He seems completely under control. He lives with his parents and I assume taht they are managing everything for him to help him best.
That sounds like a good idea, to ask him your questions directly and have clear communication. I would guess that since he’s now told you he’s bipolar that he is willing to talk about it.
I am dating a person who I think is bipolar. Here are the facts:
-Her mother suffers from BPD
-Was in a past abusive relationship
-Always stressed and too busy to concentrate on anything
-Was molested by her uncle as a pre-teen
-Says she is not ready for a relation
Man days and time spent together she swears are the best ever in her life. One day she’ll call/text me all day long, the next day she’ll claim she was busy or forgot. I am nothing but good to her and I am sure something is going on in her head. I just don’t know how to deal with it. Do I just take my ball and go home? Do I mention that she may need help? Do I just ignore all the signs and continue along? Despie her randomness, she is the best woman that I have been with.. What do you think?
Dear, Sandra
thank you so much for your concern and encouragement. I send you and everyone else best wishes in 2009. I will try to keep in touch. I’m so thankful that this world has such great people like you.
GOD bless you
confused man,
if she says that she is not ready for a relationship, that may be a cue for you to maybe give her some time to herself.
my boyfriend is bipolar, but if he said that he no longer wants to be in a relationship, then I will have to grant that wish. Of course, it will be difficult, but I think they would know their disorder better than us. That doesn’t mean taht we should not be there for them as a friend when they need us to, but they may need some space to just breathe and think things through.
To everyone above who says that no one should date someone with bipolar. I think you should not leave out blacks, mexicans, bisexuals, tall people and basically anyone you choose to be scared of. You are all very narrowminded.
I have struggled with the issue of when to tell someone I’m dating that I have bipolar…
After reading previous entries, with people in relationships with BP partners-as with any disease or disorder there are signs and symptoms. No one can really understand what it’s like to live with someone who has uncontrolled BP unless they’ve done it.I respect the situation in which they find themselves. It is to say the least, overwhelming, at most devastating.
Mostly, when you date, you don’t know if you’re getting a diabetic, an alcoholic in recovery,an epileptic…and there are no assurances that something won’t develop up the road. That’s a gamble.
With any illness or disorder, there are generic symptoms, and then there are signals particular to the individual. Not every bipolar person presents as high. Not every bipolar person has more than 2 or 3 episodes in their life. The label is not as important as the person right in front of you. What do you see?
You can hone your observation skills. You might not know the symptoms of bipolar, but if you see rapid mood changes, or profound depression then grandiosity…those might alert you to look more closely-probably a good thing to do with any relationship!
Having said that, the bipolar people who get the most “press” are those with uncontrolled BP.You must admit, a BP person under full sail is pretty impressive. The rest of us are going about our business, working with support systems, and taking our meds. Sometimes, we even “pass for normal”.
The last time I tried being up front with a man, he was okay with it at first, but then he “did research”. Rather than look at how I was in that moment,and asking me questions, he went to the net and read mostly “worst case sceanarios”. End of relationship.
People fear what they don’t know, and often when they take the time to learn the fantastic bits are the ones they take in.
So, my question remains,when do you tell (and maybe how) a person you’re dating that you have bipolar disorder (or any other chronic condition for that matter)?
I’m bipolar, diagnosed two years ago. Things have mellowed as I understand now I can’t quit my meds no matter how good I feel. I’ve read posts here and elsewhere where the partner attributes every bad quality and behavior to bipolar. We’re like other people in that some of us may have other problems in addition to bipolar. I have also met people with bipolar who use their disease as an excuse to act like assholes. Then they tell you they can’t help it. Thats crap, but they want to be assholes so it makes for a handy excuse. Bipolar does not define who anyone is.
I was diagnosed as BP over a year ago and dating has been difficult. I am a naturally positive and outgoing person and have been lucky enough to date some incredible guys. The problem is that is usually ends poorly despite my best efforts.
I jump in far too fast and the happier and more excited I become – the more my mania developes until one day (usually around the one month mark) I absolutely crash. I enter a depression – and push my partner as far away from me as possible as I don’t think he deserves to be around me. It’s terribly difficult to do because I still care about the person I’m with but it’s too little, too late and they end up getting very hurt and I feel horrible. I just have to be alone when I’m depressed as I really feel like I’m not myself and I am unable to handle even the simplest social interactions.
When I’m depressed it’s a complete ’180′ from my normal balanced state 90% of the time so it shocks and confuses the person I’m dating. I’m usually very honest and open about having BP but that isn’t always enough to prepare the other person for what may be inevitable.
I make very poor choices when I’m manic and try not to blame my bad behaviour on having BP. It’s important to take personal responsibilty in all situations BP or NOT.
I’ve had one really healthy relationship that lasted four years and we took things very slowly and maintained a lot of personal independence.
I’m not sure what my advice is to dating someone who has BP….
Just go in with empathy, personal strength, an open mind and heart, and try to educate yourself on the illness as much as possible.
Take it one day at a time!
The #1 most hurtful thing the partner of someone with BP can say is: (and I’ve heard this far too many times)
“Well, I don’t believe in Bipolar Disorder. I have good days and bad days too. Everybody does. You’re no different.”
Of course everyone has ups and downs and good days and bad days – it’s part of being human! But having Bipolar Disorder (for me at least) is an everyday struggle. With every emotion I feel comes the fear that I may be entering a manic or depressed episode. To say you don’t “believe” in an illness – to undermine an individual’s struggle is unbelievably hurtful and degrading. If you are a medical professional I would gladly listen to your theories on BP but it comes across as sheer ignorance to hear it coming from anybody else.
My pychiatrist often compares having BP to having Diabetes. Of course they are completely different illnesses but are in some ways the same. Of course these examples are very general.
- You usually can’t tell if someone has Diabetes just by looking at them (same as BP)
- People with Diabetes require medecine or their illness can have tremendous effects on their lives (same as BP)
- With the help of medecine people with Diabetes can live very healthy, successful, and fulfilling lives (same as BP)
I know there are many stigmas surrounding ‘mental illness’ but it’s just as real and serious as a physical illness such as Diabetes. And I’ve never heard anyone say they don’t believe in that.
Thanks for reading my little rant! I hope this is able to help somebody.
Well, I met a girl the other day that is bi polar. It is really too bad, she is physically very, very beautiful and a nice personality as well. But, BP is a CHRONIC condition, ther is NO cure. The problem is most girls i have dated fall in love with me even if I am not too much into them. So, I dont want to hurt her at all and I am not really a savior, I cant save anybody.
It’s people like the previous posters that are truly ignorant and blind. Open your eyes. We all have so much to give to the world and to a partner. Be it we all have issues, whether it’s bipolar or not. Ignorance and arrogance can just as easily cause a female to tuck tail and run. People with mental illness can learn to better manage themselves and their behaviors if someone is willing to stick through it with them. My current bf is bipolar. We have our problems, but almost always come out of them. Where daters of bipolar suffers make their mistakes is not addressing a problem with the partner. I do admit you have to be sensitive to their illness, but you can’t let the illness run the relationship. Don’t be scared to address problems. Though it may upset your partner and they may act uninterested in talking about it, they usually understand when they calm down. Everyone deserves love mental illness or not.
People with bipolar can not judge the people in previous posts for the way they feel.It’s as though you expect not to be judged while judging in the process. You can’t have it both ways. I have bipolar. Type 1 with severe manic episodes…and you know what? People expressing themselves in previous posts are right…you can’t be in a relationship if you are unstable. You have to take care of yourself and be on top of your symptoms and be the best person you can be. You can’t use bipolar as an excuse…because regardless if you are manic or depressed you are accountable for your actions and people should not have to be subjected to abuse…just because of your “state” of mind. I am happily married because I know I need to take care of me and not use my husband as a crutch to save me. That’s the problem…you have a mental illness, but you are not mentally ill. It depends on what you choose to do with your illness.
Bipolar disorder does not = neediness or abusive behavior. “Borderline Personality Disorder,” a condition some people are misdiagnosed with or also have in addition to being bipolar, does entail many behaviors which are abusive. RUN THE OTHER WAY AS FAST AS U CAN. Bipolar? Puhleez! What matters is whether or not s/he takes her meds, does therapy or whatever to care of herself. *Many,* do, some don’t. Gimme a break, 1st posters.
Hey everyone, i havent read everything that you al wrote, my girlfriend has Bipolar, i didnt know until a week later at that time i didnt know what it was, and im still confused about the whole thing, all i know that she gets depresive out of the blue… it might be hard for some people to except, seeing her the first time in her depresive state devistated me seeing her like that, and id like to ask wouldnt you rather be there for your partner instead of ditching them when you see them that depressed.. for me i love being there for her supporting her, of course it hurts me seeing her go throu that not being able to do anything about it, the fact that she has to sleep most of the time and i dont get to spend much time with her, the medacation makes her twitch and itchy, she has a hard enough time couping with it….now tell me would you rather give someone with Bipolar a worst time of there life by breaking there hart, i love my girlfriend where open to each other, i dont know about everyone else but with her its been the happiest if ever been, even if she has her depresive sate id rather be there with her…. if people run, there cowards, there is nothing wrong with being bipolar
It seems that ignorance and abusive language has not been left solely to the BP crowd here…I’ve had BP probably for about 3-4 years now, only formally diagnosed as of October, and you know what?
Anyone who actually cares for me, family, friends, boyfriends, particularly those who have known me a long time are excited for me to have a name to put to a sometimes subtle, and sometimes out-right debilitating disorder.
Medication and therapy are wonderful things, and if you are considering a relationship with ANYONE, BP or not, you’ll want to know that the person in question will take care of themselves.
There are much worse things to have, I’m lucky to be 1. Not trying to date anyone so small-minded and ignorant as to write off an entire group of people without cause, and 2. To have the self-respect and self-discipline to be sure to get help for areas that I know I need help in. Plenty of people could learn a lot just from exercising that principle alone.
I am grateful that I have stumbled upon this website and had the opportunity to read so many points of view about BP disorder. Ignorance to anything at all would make someone fear what they don’t know, and it’s people that believe the stigmas that make others look bad. I consider myself to be a functioning member of society who takes care of myself and manages my illness well. I am by no means in denial and am blessed to be in a relationship with someone who may not understand what I’m always going through but takes the time to ask and provide support. Yes, BP is a chronic illness which is maintained with a healthy lifestyle, medication, and a loving support system. BP is not an excuse, but please be educated on the topic before you pass judgement on others.
I guess reading the first few posts I shouldnt be very shocked that some people are so fearful of bipolar disorder. People fear the things that they don’t understand.
I was only diagnosed with bipolar disorder this past december and this was after a year of feeling like my world had fallen apart and it was an extremely hard time for my friends and family. I felt like I was trapped inside of my own mind. Unfortunetly by the time my mood flipped I had been in a relationship for over a year and he was so frustrated with me that one day he just stopped talking to me and disappeared. It was extremely devestating to me because he couldn’t handle whatever it was and walked away not knowing that I wanted to get away from whatever was trapping me.
This was a turning point in my life because it was then that I tried getting help. Even still it was many months before it became known as bipolar, at first they thought it was just mild depression and i was prescribed prozac which I’m sure others understand that the side effects can be severe.
Because of this medication i felt like the world was gray and no one understood. sadly on thanksgiving it did have take a toll on me and my family when i was so depressed that i tried to commit suicide by slitting my wrists. I’ll never be more greatful to my family for being there for me.
Because of this ordeal I got the help and support I needed and a medication that helped. Ever since that time I take my medication every single day and haven’t had a problem since. I realized that this made me a stronger person. I keep a healthy lifestyle, take my meds every morning and i have so much support from my loved ones. Now i’m back to being that happy go lucky girl I was before and i smile everyday remembering that I control me and nothing else does.
Sometimes understanding the internal struggle helps open minds of others. Its apart of you, it doesn’t define you as a person.
My boyfriend comes from a bipolar family (his mother and his mother’s mother), and from the moment we became friends several years ago, he was upfront about his illness. We started dating casually two years ago, seriously a year and a half ago, and we moved in together 3 months ago. There is not a person in my life whose companionship I appreciate more than his.
Not everyone who’s bipolar is a ticking time bomb.
You have to be honest with yourself and your mate if you are a non-bipolar person committing to a bipolar person. There is a lot of educating you will need, and support, and sometimes, yes, a saint-like patience (but I think that’s useful in *all* relationships). If you look at it like a job, or an obligation, then it’s probably not a position you want to put yourself in. Sometimes it’s a labor of love to keep track of medications and appointments and cycles with your mate, but mostly it’s just life.
I know that I’m relatively lucky in that my boyfriend’s cycles are rapid, but not violent. There is a lot of anxiety and depression, and it takes works to separate the disease from a bad day or situation, but it can be done. It’s been many years since a hospitalization, which is in large part due to his just getting older and taking care of himself better (we’re in our late 20s). His mania is quiet and short-lived (it mostly entails very little sleep and lots of frantic projects). We both know that there could be things that are harder to deal with in our future together, but we’re willing to do as much as we can now to prepare ourselves for whatever may come.
It’s unfair to say that the whole bipolar community is abusive, unaware, and selfish. Please don’t ever disregard a person because they have bipolar disorder. Take the time to learn about them, what the disorder means in their life, and what expectations they have from a partner. It might be something you’re willing to give.
I have been seeing a guy for about a month now, two weeks ago he told me he was bipolar it was mentioned offhandedly when he mentioned prescription prices, at the time I didn’t ask questions, I just said it was okay.
Now, he’s pulling away from me, I think he is anyway, I care about him, am falling for him deeply, he is a great guy but now I have to wonder if him pulling away is because of me or because of him.
I know we are just in the first stage of a relationship but at this point I’m willing to work through anything with him and I’ve told him so… But is this something I should bring up again?
Relationships are hard, communication is key, but what happens when someone, who already isn’t sure of herself, starts to get pushed away by someone who may not intend on putting up that wall?
I was dating (long-distance) a woman who is bipolar (not sure which specific one). Her mother is too. She never admitted clearly that she is, but had mentioned fleetingly.. I think she knows it but does not want to mention because she has an acute fear of rejection. I have no problem with her mood swings..I can deal with it. The major problem I have with her is two fold. First, she basically does not admit she has a disease; she just says “everyone is nuts.” She is addicted to painkillers and other drugs. She does not see a therapist. Second, she is emotionally abusive. Her MO is basically to emasculate the men she is with – so they feel so inadequate that they will cling to her. She loves to tell me everything I am doing wrong. After some time, it takes its toll. She has so many of the classic BP symptoms.
One reason I waited a long time to break up is because I was afraid of her abusiveness. But eventually it had to be done – to preserve my OWN sanity.
My advice to anyone considering dating a BP is to steer away as far as you can. They will drive you nuts, abuse you, make you feel like you are the one who is crazy, etc. etc. Get the hell out while you can.
Hey,
I see that there are a lot of different views on bipolar. It is good to read how people see BP.
Well here is my view… what i learned about it… in real life.
I think that people with BP do need help and as long as they know that they have BP, they can be helped. When they don’t acknowledge the fact that they have BP this is another story.
So as they do know they have it, they should use help, keep using meds and know themselves and their control over it. I think these people with BP are reasonable to talk to and to hang out with. Anyone with or without PB needs friends and family to support them in rough times, especially people with BP can use the support of family and friends even more. As long as they know they have BP, use their meds and know themselves well, they are lovely people too. They can love and be loved.
I think that if you meet someone with PB, you can try to figure out what kind of PB this person has and if she/he knows that too and use meds and get help and knows their own control over it, then I think you know the person enough before you can judge… then i think you have the right as in any relation to keep away or stay. You need to get to know eachother in any relationship. If you do stay, you can be a lot of help… but if you decide to leave… it is up to you, to explain why. And I think that people with BP can say they have BP, but not immidiately, not too fast. Try to get to know the person, and if you feel that the other person is dedicated enough to you as a friend/bf/gf and feel that he/she has the right to know it (by now), you can tell the person this slowly and with as much important information about BP and your own kind of BP. Give this kind of information before they check the internet and get scared by reading about it on their own. Mostly they do want you to explain to them what it means, so be informed about it yourself and about your own control and tell this your friend/partner. If they accept it then that is good. If not, well then they are just not worth your time and it is better to know that before you get to love the other person even more, like in any relationship.
So good communication can help in any way. And this is what I think.
I am really sorry to hear all of the negative stuff about bipolar disorder. We are people just like anybody else and we deserve to be loved too. There are times when I am really down but that is just something you have to learn to deal with. If you’re too shallow to put up with someone’s short comings maybe the problem isn’t the person with bipolar disorder, maybe it is you. All relationships are hard work. Some are harder than others. As for the abusive part that I have read in some of these posts, I have seen many situations where women have been beaten by men that were just jerks and it had nothing to do with bipolar disorder. I watched my mom get beat every night by an alcoholic redneck that wasn’t bipolar. I have broken the cycle with years of hard work and counseling. I have never hit a woman and I never will. I am a single father, I work hard to be a good dad and even though my wife left me for someone on the internet, I am doing just fine.
I would be more concerned with dating women that have been abused as children. I have been left by two wives because they were messing around on me. They never dealt with their problems from when they were hurt and they just needed all the extra attention from other men. I would still not judge a woman that had been abused as a child I would still love and trust her even though the others had hurt me. I would do that because every person is different. You can’t judge someone because someone that you know or someone that you heard about was a bad person. You have to take each situation and each person individually.
I am a single father with bipolar disorder and I’m a good person. Pushing me away will be your loss and to be honest, my gain because I don’t need to waste my time with judgmental people who are too shallow to get to know me.
The first 2 comments (haven’t read any further then that) make me pissed! As I have bipolar stage 1 doesn’t mean i will be abusive in a relationship you arrogant pricks. I have had a relationship for 5 months as of yesterday and we get along great (shes not bipolar) the relationship we have is funny and open and we both love it. Maybe you had some bad experiences but that doesn’t mean you can group us as one. You TWO would be the bad ones to date being so closed mind you idiots.
I have been with an untreated bipolar partner for almost a decade. He is in denial about his illness even though he was the one who had to get treatment for his severely bipolar mother from hospitals for years. One would think he would recognize it in himself….
He can be very charming and delightful, life of the party and very giving he has many wonderful qualities and that is why I have been seeing him all these years. He can also be very aggressive and threatening and at times depressed and suicidal. In those states he is extremely self absorbed and self centered with absolutely no empathy no matter how much I may need him even in an emergency.
If I try to approach to console him he sees it as confrontation and lashes out like an angry monster. He compares himself to a wild bear actually. His eyes bulge out showing no mercy and his hands go around my throat and he can barely stop himself from chocking me. And all I have done to bring this on was try to console him, try to nurture him so he may not go into a deep depression because when he does he goes into very self destructive behaviour.
When he is in a BP rage his eyes look like in the movie The Shining, like the eyes of a psychopath, they are filled with pure hate. Yet he says, even in that state, that he knows that I love him, as he shoves me away with all his strengths and demands that he be left alone. I have waited sometimes without moving, wondering will he attack me again, will he kill me this time? And what brought on this response from him? He seemed in a down mood when he came home and I asked him how was his day and I had missed him, he came home late. He turned away instead of answering me, I mentioned that that response hurt me, what was he thinking would he please tell me. And this horrid sound came out of his mouth, an alien growl so loud that made the tenants (2 guys in their late twenties who ride motorcycles) upstairs flee out of the house within seconds after hearing it ….
Ah, that is like to be with a BP partner who will not go for treatment.
How I survived him so far is that I have a safe home to flee to, as long as I can get out.
To Melissa, and all the other people who’ve mentioned violence from bipolar partners, I hope you know that the illness does not excuse the violence and that your safety is more important than your partner’s treatment (although it might also require that he or she gets treatment for both your sakes).
http://hotpeachpages.net/
The Hot Peach Pages link to domestic violence shelters, hotlines, counselling services and more, worldwide. It’s an excellent resource and I recommend you find out what’s in your community before you might need it in an emergency. They can also advise on how to approach your partner to talk about getting help for you together, if that’s appropriate.
I am glad you have a safe place to go, Melissa. Please stay safe. You matter.
And to all the bipolars who’ve ever been violent to an intimate partner now reading – it’s not okay. Get help before regretting a bad episode and losing a relationship, and even going to prison.
Sandra, thank you for your advice. I stayed with him over the years and many times I have literally saved his life. But now I am starting to see that he endangers mine. He does not attack people he is afraid of so that tells me he has some control over what he does.
He says he will go for treatment but it does not seem important to him. He finds the money for very expensive “toys” but not for treatment. He wants me to move in with him and he has proposed but I am far too much afraid of him. In fact, when I see him I keep reminding myself always that as much as much as I care for him, I am talking with a dangerous and mentally ill man who is unlikely to go for appropriate help.
I have a good home and family, thank you again for worrying about my safety. He does not come after me in anger, he always waits for me to contact him.
i just recently got out of a relationship with a boy that was bipolar. it was the worst relationship that ive ever been in and i can say never again. he said he didnt have money for the meds but come to find out his doctor gave him this number for free meds since he had no insurance. he was also very very abusive and depressed. and abusived ahcolol and drugs as well. i can say definitly say again never again!!!
I think my bipolar SO described himself appropriately, when I asked him what was he thinking as he seemed to turn away from me and I could not think of why, he said my words felt like hot pockers sticking him, he felt like a bear that I was throwing bees at. I am truly sorry that he goes through that much agony instead of feeling the comfort and understanding that was intended towards him in my voice and actions. There is no question that BP is a mental illness and I think he would be so very much better off if he got appropriate treatment. I have some competitive kick boxer friends who would have kicked his teeth out for answering like that… not everyone is patient.
Hi there, I’ve found the above posts very interesting, and many quite helpful!
I am a 26 year old female, who is bipolar II. I am having it treated through the use of medication (specifically, Lamictal–which has changed my life!), therapy, and a loving, supportive family.
I’m proud to be who I am, bipolar and all. I’m a composer, playwright, actress, and singer. I have found that I’ve produced some of my most powerful, touching pieces when I’ve been in a “manic” state (one of my favorite quotes of all time is Madeline L’Engle’s: “All the people in history, literature, art, whom I most admire: Mozart, Shakespeare, Homer, El Greco, St. John, Chekhov, Gregory of Nyssa, Dostoevsky, Emily Bronte: not one of them would qualify for a mental-health certificate”).
Of course I am not saying that one has to be Bipolar to be creative! God bless those naturally balanced brains of yours! I just have personally found that it has given me a keen insight into life that I wouldn’t give up for anything. I am grateful for who I am–and especially grateful that I’ve learned how to live with bipolarism. It’s made me a fuller, richer person (except monetarily–damn those expensive medications!!!!)
But I’m scared. I am now in my first relationship, pretty much ever! It’s been about 7 months, and the boy is the sweetest person I’ve ever met. In fact, one of the reasons he likes me is that he has said that I’m “the most complex, interesting person” he’s ever met. I take such pride in that. I think the very things he likes about me–my quirkiness, creativity, and off-beat sense of humor–are those things that I personally trace back to my bipolarism. Who couldn’t help falling in love with someone like that?
I’m scared to tell him I’m bipolar, though. He is a super sweet–not to mention super balanced–dude, and I’m just afraid he’s going to think that because I’m on medication. I’m considered that he’s going to think that the person he likes isn’t really “me” (I consider the “me” on medication to be the real me–I’m just am not sure if he will).
However, I am also bulimic (I know, par-tayyyyyy), which I have told him about. He was completely supportive. God I love him.
Does anyone have suggestions on how to handle telling him? Should I tell him? I just feel it’s unfair to keep this from him.
P.S. Sorry for the novel!
Deborah, it sounds like he’s a nice guy and since hes okay around bulimia I bet he’d be receptive. Maybe trying injecting some humor, take him out for a nice dinner, give him this book giftwrapped, surprise!
http://www.powells.com/biblio/1-9781572243422-2
Here are some more suggestions in a fun read:
http://blogs.psychologytoday.com/blog/crazy-life/200904/wont-hurt-bit-really-dating-after-mental-illness
I liked the article i thought it was well written. it is scarry to let the other person you are seeing that you are ill. I did that many times i had strange reactions some thought ok not a problem then when things got weird in their book they said they left me with out a reason.
others are scared that they are with a mentally ill loonie they call it and they run the other direction and never call again i had that happen to me on more then one occastion.
i am bipolar and i been there and done that i had made decisons on dating that are risky and wrong decisons and other times i didn’t and it never works out. Once you open that door and tell that person who is your friend or dating you that hey i am bipolar and i am mentally ill they look at you like are you making this up you look so normal to me but i tell them yea i am normal but god made me different is all on the inside but i am still the same old person just i am ill and will always be ill no matter the meds i take and the dr’s and therapist i talk to i will be who i am ill.
they never call again or they do they act different around you.
it is hard when you add kids to the mix the fear of what is they will call cps on me and take my kids or what do i have to do walk on egg shells to make this friends ship last with no ripples in the water so i do not cause a problem.
then there is other time i do not give a crap and i break if off ingeneral and leave it as a friendship no one gets hurt in the mix and me and the kids are happy.but the article is good and i congrat you for writting it well done and well said!
A girl I have been seeing was formally diagnosed as BP last week. Just reading up on the condition everything has fallen into place. The past relationship has been the most exhausting, frustrating, hurtful and upsetting relationship I have found myself in. It was tempered with periods of exhilaration, fun, closeness, all of which I now understand were myself being carried by whichever tide BP was taking her on.
In that time, I’ve dedicated my entire time to trying to understand this person, to be a confidant, and thrown money and holidays at the situation in an effort to provide whatever it took. The end result has been catastrophic for my own wellbeing, work, relationships etc.
Within the first couple of dates, I was perfect, unlike anyone else out there, she couldn’t bear to be apart from me. Texts were endless and full of love, emotion and idealistic dreams about our future together. Within weeks she was talking about deciding I was the guy she wanted to settle with and have kids.
She is extremely beautiful and intelligent so part of myself got carried away on this, another felt there was something not quite right. Especially her anger and resentment she felt toward other people, ex-partners, parents, but humanity in general.
There were other questions that were gradually answered by the BP diagnosis – the preference to texting over calling, the days of silence, inconsistencies in her past, obsessions with death, perfectionism, forming grandiose or elevated plans / image of herself but never see it through (she was a genius whose time was going to come), secretive drinking, wild accusations out of nowhere, sudden disapproval of my friends and family, of my lifestyle, sexually uninhibited one time, almost certainly infidelity with anyone of a number of male friends from whom I was never allowed to meet (but often told how amazing they were and ow we’d get on so well when we did meet), frigid and repulsed by sex the next.
I was househunting at the time and we talked about living together with whatever I decided to buy. Before I knew what was happening she was running the project, I put this down to enthusiasm but soon saw it as a form of uncontainable mania – looking at houses in some cases that were not just over budget, but mansions that were treble the budget, looking at dozens of houses without me. To question anything was seen as being cycnical or even a betrayal. If I questioned something to much or tried to provoke discussion of a mode of behavior it would provoke rages and in several cases the line ‘I don;t need a relationship right now…I have no feelings about you because of this’ throwing the guilt back at me that I’d provoked a low – causing sleepless nights, withdrawal from friends and socializing, non-eating and a zombie like appearance at work on several occasions.
When I tried to tell how how this was making me feel, it was over like that. Absolutely no feeling or thought to anything that had happened before, just my trying to talk about how to make it work pushed her away for good. Now when we talk I can sense I’ve joined the club of ‘useless *****’ of exes. I’d not use the word lightly, but I’d say the whole experience has been traumatic.
The end result is I’ve got to rebuild friendships where I’ve defended both her behavior and mine where I’ve reacted to sensible advice (I started talking like her saying ‘You don’t understand her’ etc) and I am thinking of therapy as a way to deal with the ruptured emotions I’ve had along the way. It’s been a process where I’d gone into something naively, been presented with an highly idealised relationship of which nothing could go wrong, offered myself 100% without thought for anyone least of all myself and I’ve come through the other side depressed, and full of anxieties. Never again.
I’m engaged to someone with bipolar disorder and am thinking of ‘detaching with love’ and ending our relationship. It’s his dishonesty, his constant telling of lies (big and small) that are going to do us in as a couple.
He’s currently, by his choice, receiving outpatient treatment (following one month as an inpatient) at a hospital the width of the country away from home, so I’m not involved in any of his therapy or treatment sessions. He’s still telling lies, and it makes me feel almost physically ill.
The first people that posted comments to this site have obviously been hurt in past relationships, and while I don’t agree with their blanket statements that one should run from anyone with bipolar, I appreciate the struggles they’ve been through and agree with some of what they say.
I also commend those that are in happy relationships where bipolar disorder is involved. I know it can be done in many instances, and I’m happy for you. In my particular situation, though, I’m pretty sure I’ve had enough.