Divorce is the second most stressful life event, preceded only by the death of a spouse. And what is stress capable of? Expediting a severe bout of depression and anxiety to your limbic system (the brain’s emotional center) if you’re not careful. Acute and chronic stress, especially, undermine both emotional and physical health. In fact, a recent study published in the Journal of Health and Social Behavior suggests that divorced or widowed people have 20 percent more chronic health conditions such as heart disease, diabetes or cancer than married people.
Another study in Psychological Science claimed that a person’s happiness level drops as she approaches divorce, although there is rebounding over time if the person works at it. That’s what these 12 tips are: suggestions for preventing the devastating depression that often accompanies divorce, and techniques that you can use to keep your happiness level steady or maybe even higher!
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I really like the point about it being more important to be at peace than to ‘be right’. Accepting difference can be an important part of moving on.
Divorce as ugly as it can be should be the end of everyone’s misery. I’d say I’d opt for a friendly divorce rather than a fair one should it be needed.
I must appreciate these 7 points to level down the stress and grief that one faces after having Divorce.Divorce is really a painful happening of one’s life.
I wish I could say tht ANYTHING helped, after 31 years of abusive “marriage”—–time….I guess; even after 6 years alone…..not any better. I just keep on keepin’ on…..age 63 and back in school; written my memoir and a poetry book, etc……..working hard to make a difference in the world by counseling abused women.
Don’t forget about going to therapy to learn more about yourself and the dynamics of the marriage that ended.
Let’s remember that divorce happens to men too. the article is written by a woman and reads like women are the victims and always do the suffering.
I have many male friends who were left by their wives. their loss of not being daily in their children’s lives is unmeasurable. And they are paying big bucks to EX as she moves on to another relationship. Just because women biologically have the child does not make us always the best of parents.especially if working outside the home. the courts need to take a look at giving the children to the parent who does not run away. Bet more marriages would stay together. care about family values? outlaw divorce……..
Amen – everything is about the woman. Men suffer as much if not more than women in divorce, especially if they are relagated to seeing their children every other weekend, which is usually the case.
article reads as if a woman is the only one to suffer. I know many males who are divorced being left by their wives who moved on to more men with more money. they got the kids, house, and monthly payments of child support.
The loss of being daily without your child is unmeasurable.
Just because we biologically have the child does not make us the best of the two parents. The courts need to give full time custody of the child to the best parent and it might not be the Mom, expecially if she has a full time career as does the Dad. Sometimes the children suffer as adults because they did not get the training the kinder more loving parent would offer.
If we really care about Family Values in this country we would “make divorce illegal” and spend more time thinking about marriage and the cost and responsibility of having children.
Men suffer more than we could ever believe.
ou have some very valuable tips here, although I’d like to know more on your thoughts about “#1. Lose yourself in a book (or an afghan.” Do you think there should be a balance between losing yourself in something and facing the grief? Perhaps planning time to grieve and planningtime for distraction may help the recovery process go a little faster. If you spend too much time getting lost in something, don’t you think that in a sense you’re repressing the emotions? For example, if a glass falls and breaks and you don’t start picking up the pieces because you’re engulfing yourself in a home improvement project, the broken pieces of glass remain…a mess that needs cleaning up. It’s not going anywhere until you deal with it.
Tom
Every journey begins with a single step…
Lets talk about the divorces that happen because the woman decides after 29 years she feels unappreciated, she don”t love the husband anymore and wants to be on her own now, without any warning or effort to seek help to remedy the situation when it first developed.Im that husband that was left behind and looking for answers. Our relationship was very loving, conpasionate and I was always there for her, so what happened?
It’s been almost two years since she left and I have been heartbroken and depressed ever since. I would have done anything to save the marriage, let alone talk about it, but my wife walked out the door and we never spoke again. Seems very sad to me that the only time the topic of divorce was brought up I would have only another three days with her after the years we were together. I never in all of the time we were together ever doubted my feelings for her and so I find it sometimes impossible to believe she not only fell out of love with me, but obviously hated me so much she would leave me like she did. The thing is I blame myself for everything and her for nothing except not making it clear to me that divorce was an option……..
my name is john after 24 years of marriage she wants to be alone. I was a good father and husband she left me while my father was dying of cancer. he loved her and kept asking for her she only came 6 times during his last 6 months and once in his last 2. she destroyed me and speed up my fathers death. how do i recover when i feel its better to be where my father is.
These comments break my already broken heart. You men who have suffered I am sorry. As a wife of 20 years, I wanted to keep my life and marriage together. I was constantly made to feel I was falling short and guilted for my husbands problems. I was the reason he got into porn and drugs according to him. As hard as my heart still hurts the thing I have to realize is that no matter what problems we have as individuals in a marriage, we always have a choice. We are not slaves to anyone’s whims but our own, and we are not responsible for the choices our spouses make. Sometimes being too compassionate can perpetuate our being victimized again and again. I believe its better to have a healthy ego than none at all. Aside from my imperfections I was not responsible for his actions, and each of you were also not responsible for your spouses actions. Walk away and never look back has to be my motto for a while.
I am going through a possible divorce in which my wife feels as if she needs to be closer to her family. I don’t mind moving closer to her family but with the struggles of what we are going through in regards to the economic times, I find it hard to make such a move with two kids. One who has an illness in which we *have* to keep medical coverage. She admitted her attitude towards me is not my fault and I have been a good husband and great father but she still wants to leave. I don’t know how to come to terms that in five months time she will be gone with my kids who is everything to me. I know she wants more, but I think she is not looking at reality right. I want more two, but I am just happy that we both have jobs that get us by. I use to fight and try to let her know that we have made progress as a family, but now I think that I am at my wits end. She wants to do counciling to see if we can save the marriage but she has stated many times in side conversations on her moving in with her mother as if there is no saving our marriage. I don’t know what to do or how to react but its making me sick. I have ate in all about two meals in two weeks. Some nights I don’t go to sleep and cry until my kids wake up in the morning. I am about to lose my family and I feel as if I have no say. I am so lost and heartbroken….
Marc- I’m not sure that you will even be back to this message board to read this, but if you do…..
PLEASE know that you are not alone. I too am at the very beginning stages of divorce. 10 yrs- GONE, with nothing to look back on and be proud about. No kids. I am hurting just as much as the next. Your post sounds like I wrote it. There was no fight, no conversation, and ultimately no chance. “The relationship has run it’s course”….. Those words are easily spoken by the initiator. The sting like hell to the one being rejected. I have no doubt my soon to be ex husband isn’t going through his own personal grief, but I fear I’ll never know. And I guess that has to be ok. I just want it all over. I just want to move on and it seems like it just can’t happen fast enough. I’ve thrown in the towel. Waving white flag. I am done. BUT I AM STILL HEATRBROKEN, SHAKEN, AFRAID and ALONE. I understand it’s a new beginning, but it’s one that I didn’t choose. It’s not fair and it sucks, but I am glad to know that I’m not losing my mind by feeling this way. Neither are you.
Lost-Many of us are feeling like you. My wife of 20 years left me because “there’s something better out there and I need a change”. After she started seeing a counselor a few years back she would say “it’s not you it’s me”, then last winter she said it was me not her and she wanted to be alone. This was 5 months post prostate cancer surgery. Our 15 year old had his great life turned on it’s head and now sees a counselor. What was an extremely comfortable living has turned into financial hell. I feel betrayed, angry, hurt, embarrassed,ripped off, lonely, confused and above all depressed. It’s hard to get into a normal routine but I do my best and try to keep a happy face. Old favorites don’t seem to bring much joy and there are nights I can do nothing but weep. I am dreading the holidays. I am just wishing this phase of my life will pass quickly.
I feel for all of you who have had something like this spring up on you. My wife of 5 years (8 together) has decided to leave. Im partly to blame but thats not the point at hand. This was dropped on me all of a sudden when things were going better in our life. Im hurt. i have nothing. no one. there is honestly not a number i could call and have someone say they love me. im sad. i feel for all of you who still want to make things work. bless
All of your stories are so much like mine. One night my husband left. After 28.5 yrs. No warning. No discussion. I was beyond devastated. That was a yr and half ago. Divorce will be final very soon. I still cant believe it. As like all of you, my grief has been terrible. How anyone can do these things because they “need to do their own thing” is something I will never understand. I guess marriage vows and promises no long mean anything to so many. I know somehow all of us will get thru this. We must. Life is a precious gift.
may God touch our heart right now. and take away all the sorrow, sadness or burden what ever you want to call it.
may he enlighten our hearts with his love and grace. for us to enjoy this life, and see the beautiful things that he has given us.
lets trust God for he is good. and God is love
im separated from my fiance. im still having a hard dealing with it. i cry i laugh. then i cry. but at the end of the day God still love us with the family and friends we have who support us at this moment of our lives lets pray everyday. that God will take care of us. and all of our love ones. he will make us happy. in his time. God’s time
its been four years – its not getting better, its getting worse.
I gave my vow to spend the rest of my life with her. Obviously vows mean nothing anymore.
Now our children have to pay the price of meaningless words/vows.
She took my house, all of my money, my children, my heart and in the end probably my life.
Our throw away society is very sad. I will teach my children never to get married, its simply not worth it.
i know the feeling its very hard right?
feeling miserable everyday in not really healthy at all. in my situation i always cry… when i feel that my heart cant take it anymore tears just run through my face.
i miss my life with him so much. if love is sacrifice then im willing to take it.
at this point of our lives we can only turn to God. trust him for he knows what is good for us. even if its hard to understand why things happened. we have to trust him and have faith that his in control. everything will be alright in his time. in God’s time. God is good never doubt him. God is good all the time.
by him pushing me away. i found a very good relationship. and that’s my relationship with our God.
May you find your way back to God. just like what i did.
Have faith
Its 4 the best I always tell myself, because I didn’t want to be married to someone unfaithful in the first place. What I lost was somethg that never made me happy it was a person too selfish to make a relationship work.
The lesser of the 2 evils.
There r good ppl out there still they r decent chivalrous put others first, care and love like u should . Don’t give up.
Just practice being what you expect and you will be surprised what women will be attracted to you.
please don’t let this destroy you. I am so sorry that this happened to you. But trust me when I say things will look up.
It is strange how a marriage can engulf a person. Not just that person, but both people. Although there may be situations of one-sided love, mine was definetly not. It was the kind of love that I am beginning to think only happens once. I hope that I am not right in that statement. I think the holidays are the worst because I miss our family and being together with our daughter. I feel completely lost. I’ve dated others and nothing comes close to what we had. My friends tell me that I will find the right person… Will I? I am hoping to use some strategies to get over the divorce and move forward. Afterall, it was 3 years ago. I think I block it out; but I still feel the same deep down inside.
Well its been a year and I did not think I would make it last year but I did, the funny thing about my divorce is I really thought after 20 years that we would be together forever. I still see him sometimes because of the kids and its strange how he act like he did nothing. He had an affair and called me crazy and paranoid up until the day i asked him to leave. Once he left he paraded his mistress around like they did nothing wrong. Who meet their mistress at church?
Sometime I really hate both of them, but other days I am happy he is gone, cheater. I just really do not understand why adults in their 40s and 50s walk away from their families like they can capture their younger days with a younger woman. I often wonder how desperate a person has to be to go and sneak around with a married man, I guess what really hurt the most is we had a family children, history and this was the best he could do
I have to reply to your comment because it is a mirror image to what I have went through, only he left me for a soccer mom whom are kids played together. Both my parents past within the last 5 years and when he left it felt like a 3rd death, I have thought many things that one shouldnt be thinking but I have 2 beautiful kids and they need me.When he left he too went and flaunted the other woman right away. I dont want the lieing cheater back, been dating, but still cant seem to have this haunting situation go away. One question for anyone? I still live in the house we built after 17 years of marriage, does anyone think this is why I cant get over this? Should I move and make a fresh start in another place?
After 15 years of being divorced, it hasn’t got any better. The old adage that time will heal all is pretty empty. Glad to hear some make it through and come out ok.
I married the father of my child on our 4 year anniversary. The second we got married he quit coming home at night, I heard he started cheating, drinking lots, doing drugs and ultimately 2 months into the marriage he walked out on us only to never return. I still can’t figure out why he even married me if he knew he was going to do this. I was pregnant with our second child too, but that didnt matter. And months later, he was living common law with a 20 year old and her child. i dont get it.
…but to add to that, I surrounded myself with friends, started a roller derby team in my hometown, started doing yoga and bought a mini stepper, and I feel like a new person. That girl can have my cheating lying lazy husband….I am so over it and want to start a new life. the way I look at it is that he taught me what I DON’T want in a man. and I am certaintly not looking for one now. The thought of doing this to myself all over again makes me sick to my stomach
Think very carefully before you petition. My four year divorce is about to be finalised. I was the petitioner because my husband whom I loved dearly slept with many people, including my 18 year old niece. If I had foresight I would have stayed with him for our 3 girls aged between 5 and 18.
The lawyers will make it acrimonious, depending on the size of your joint asset pot. The ones that suffer the most are the children. It is very difficult to move on, especially if you haven’t managed to fall out of love with your ex spouse, although I agree with your comments of having a clean out and diverting your attention.
It should be illegal to commit adultry. I am surprised it is legal. The only winners are the lawyers.