“You complete me.” You know that line, right … from Jerry McGuire? It comes right before “You had me at hello” (another puker). The completing-the-other bit nauseates me a tad because we relationship-analyzers (some with the right initials after their names and some self-declared experts who can type) like to classify that type of dialogue with a term known as “codependency.”
Ideally, you shouldn’t need anyone to complete you. You should be whole going into a relationship, right? My guess is that those who feel like they are getting fixed are actually getting ripped off. That’s why they keep coming back, hoping that THIS time their partner will make the ouches go away, making them feel all sunshiny and warm inside. Instead, the ouch is bigger, the hole is wider, and they are feeling the way I do when I see a Tom Cruise movie: bad.
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This should be sent out to all registered independent voters, like myself, and reminded to read the day before November elections.
This health care deform legislation, as about to be spewed on this country, is the most obscene exercise in narcissism, antisocial traits, and lack of vision I think most wise and attentive voters will ever see these past 30-40 years of this process falsely called democracy.
Heal the shame? For me, I have no shame for what is in office. Why waste your time and energy to feel for others who have no feelings for those around them.
Negotiating with arrogance of power is a waste of time. That is why all imcumbents of more than 10-12 years must be told to leave. And isn’t that a common dynamic to toxic relationships this article was addressing in the first place?
Outstanding article! Ms. Borchard is one of my favorite contributors to this website. Thank you so much!
This article really got to me, it really touched me. I must confess that this is the very first time I read this blog, but I’ll keep coming back for more. So many aspects of my relationship are so much clearer now..
You Deplete Me says it all in three words. I am embarking on the task of ending a toxic relationship of nearly 10 years – lots of those spend breaking up and getting back together – sound familiar?
I know I need help before I do anything so I’m starting with pre-breakup counseling – this leaving has got to stick.
Thanks for the article in the nick of time.
Never ever did it occur to me to list all the stuff – in relationships – that make me feel really BAD! It might make me an honest woman if I can do it – kind of a babystep to moving on or really making changes. Thanks
Thanks for the article Ms. Borchard. Very helpful. But please can you tell me – what can one do if the toxic person is an elderly parent? My 84-yr-old mother is quite an emotional drain, always has been. I learned to move around her childish motives in the past. But now I am the only person in the immediate vicinity available to look in on her. I try to let go of past issues, keep my own emotions in check, and view her as a pathetic, needy person who needs help. But it’s not always as easy as that. Any advice?
More so than not, couples I have worked with where one decides to end the relationship, that person has to deal with all the same dynamics and challenges that someone does who decides to “leave” alcohol, pot, too much sex or food or gambling. In other words, what works to break a relationship and keep it broke are the same steps and procedures a person uses to end an addiction or dependency. It isn’t easy but it can be done.
This seems self-help happytalk. Let’s suggest alternatives:
- Codependence, a “bad” relationship is the symptom not the problem. Dump one, prob jst get another.
- Hiding from and not feeling, deeply, bad feelings is prob the worst thing to do. May need prof help. No biggee.
- My friends with such have history of childhood abuse, but it really hurts to admit and process.
But blaming the “bad guy/gurl” is a lot ezier…..
I’m in the process of leaving a toxic relationship. The toxic person cut off the relationship but I’ve decided not to apologize so the relationship will remain broken. It’s very hard now. I think about the relationship every minute of every day. She tells other family members negative things about me – some of which are true and I get very down about myself. I hate myself when I think about the ones that are true and that I can’t change them. For those I need compassion and forgiveness which I will never get. That makes moving on hard.
Hi,
I am in this ‘place’ in my life once again. I have to admit that although I’ve left the relationship because it has been toxic for me, my staying as long as I did probably made it toxic for him as well because as long as I wasn’t happy, he had to hear it. Pray for the both of us and thanx so much for this article…This too shall pass!
I had a toxic boss employee relationship. My boss X was bipolar, narcissistic and very hot and cold. I wasn’t perfect in this situation but I really tried hard to make things work. X ended up being heartless and a user. Things ended for good. I left a voicemail expressing how I felt about a few things in a respectful way and have heard nothing back since- this was almost three weeks ago. While I believe it takes two to tango, I think toxic people like X pick up on people who are vulnerable and use them- like I was. I also think that people like X who are abusive have a lot of insecurities. Happy and healthy minded people don’t treat others badly. It sucks because I cared for X and I have had to face the fact I was nothing to her.
I almost swore the person dealing with the 84 year old mother was my older sister. My mother is also 84 and the most bitter and angry woman I know. I had to cut her out of my life…respectfully but finally. Is it wrong to cut someone who is your parent completely out of your life? She is a gossip and makes up lies to get attention. She has put me in many of her dramas and lies…though I find out after all the damage is done.
My husband of 35 years left me and immediately played out sexual fantasies and then joined together with the prostitute for a relationship…he was discovered by his daughters…this prostitute really really uses the internet….he has been diagnosed love sex addict…..i knew about his problems with porno and him contacting on line for three some sex.. but stayed i surmise co-dependent and kept hoping time would help….what do i need t do to take care of myself….i am losing my eyesight as far as driving and working i have fear of how i will get around but i know i cannot go back …he does not want to now anyway… can an addict actually love someone? I always thought he did love me but last 4 years have been seeing truths that there was no real commitment. I was trying to get him to commit when he left….felt too controlled and i guess i was
I am exhausted actually, I have been married for 6 years , together with him for 8 , we have no intimate relationship , we have no communication and its always been like this , I have heard so many times how its my fault that a part of me believes it. You know the last time I was french kissed was years ago, he stopped it because I enjoyed it. I am such a fool and so addicted I dont know HOW to get away. How to get out – I am so sad and confused , I try to chnage things but to no avail , I know it never will no matter what I do it will never be good enough and as usual it will be all my fault , as it always is. I am just tooo sad and tired to deal with life in any form , I just move from day to day … nothing more nothing less
Niqui,
It sounds like you are with someone who had NPD,
Narcassistic Personality Disorder. I’m involved in a relationship with one. It’s HORRIBLE. They are manipulative, controlling and just make you feel really bad about yourself. Google it and get as much info as you can. Get the strength to leave or you will be miserable the rest of your life!!!! Take it from someone who has been there….Get out NOW!
Interesting article, and great advice for mostly a particular section in society. However, it is very gender-biased, as this sentence in the opening paragraphs makes it clear: “…chances are that your relationship with him is toxic”. As a male, I identified with a number of observations about toxic relationships made in this article, but the ‘perpetrator’ has at times been just as often a female (at work especially, but also in previous personal relationships). It is sad that the author’s bias has clouded the advice they intended to provide, indeed it has diminished its worth and usefulness, even negated it because it is used as cover to perpetuate the myth that only females are subjected to the types of psychological harms which the article seeks to define, and that only males are capable of inflicting them.
Thank you so much for writing this article. I am also a visual person, definitely need to do inner child work and loved the idea you presented, in fact I am going to do it either today or tomorrow. I identify with you, because like you, I’ve stuck my finger in the fire more times than not, it does take a while for me to learn! I think it’s probably part of the tenacity characteristic that can be channeled in good ways. You are so right when you say that this is a full-time job. Sometimes I feel so alone because besides my ACA group and therapist, everyday people are hard to identify with especially when you are focused on your healing…you are right on the mark when you say that you need solitude and rest. Thanks to people like yourself, you have the courage to do speak about this. I see that, I can benefit in that appreciation because if I can see the gifts in others, I come to realize that I can benefit humanity as well.