Should I hide behind the magazine rack? Duck over to the canned goods aisle? Uh oh, she already saw me! Now what? Do I say hi? Pretend I don’t see her?
Whenever we see people out of a familiar setting it can be awkward. The other day I was having dinner with my husband at a restaurant when a very familiar lady walked by and stopped to say hello. I couldn’t remember for the life of me where I had seen her before. My poor brain sifted through the files until finally it reported that she worked at the library where my kids and I go once a week. Whew. Embarrassment averted.
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I think the whole thing is silly…..especially if the client is alone!
Excellent little article, Dr. Aletta! I have been in situations where a patient introduces me to his/her family and friends as their therapist! Inside, I go “Ouch!” but many times I notice that the family and friends are delighted and even come to me, asking for my card. Let me say this is typical with some multicultural patients.
Samuel Lopez De Victoria, Ph.D.
http://www.DrSam.tv
I enjoyed reading this. I actually ran into my therapist in the grocery store once. How embarrassing at first… because what you put in your shopping cart can say alot about you (especially if you have an ED).
Needless to say, I learned that my therapist really liked cookies and used the same toilet paper as I did. We chatted and it was fine…so, it actually helped my fear of ever running into her in public.
I don’t think its silly at all. In fact I think that this post really answers some questions that were in the gray area of patient/doctor relationships.
If you are alone or if you are with people it can be socially awkward for everyone. The common social contract that most people subscribe to is that you say “hello” to people that you know. However I can understand why the Therapist might not want to say hello first (trying to prevent a loss of confidentiality) and I can imagine that it may be unsettling for the client to encounter the Therapist in a new setting. We often think of our Therapist in the setting that we are the most familiar. Seeing our Therapist can create all sorts of anxiety and for some, may be be counter productive to the therapeutic process. Not silly at all.
Allison, you might not agree with the post, you might not be able to understand why this would matter to someone else but to say that its “silly” seems to me to be equal to “just get over it” to people who have tough issues to get over. It is insensitive, and bully like. Perhaps that wasn’t you intention but that’s the way I read it.
Thanks for sharing!
It’s always a good idea to have a contingency plan in place. It’s never happened to me, although we pulled up at the same traffic lights once and I averted my head till the lights changed.
I used to run into mine all the time because we lived in a small town. It was pretty comfortable for both of us. Therapy stayed in the office, and we waved or said hello like small town acquaintances outside of the office. I realize it may be hard for some people to run into their therapist in the real world. But for me, it seemed quite natural since everyone has to grocery shop and do things around town.
I have run into my former therapist several times out in public and we have always greeted one another. The idea of us pretending not to know one another…even in the professional way that we did…just feels so sad to me. I can understand and respect that others might feel differently. I actually find it kind of comforting knowing that he is happy, well and just “being”, even though he isn’t my therapist anymore.
Living in a small suberb and belonging to the same Jym my T and I see each other quite often . Or while I pass her house when I walk my dog
Its usualy a quick Hello or nod thats all
I am glad to see that for some the issue of running into their therapist in public is not an issue at all. To me that says that the stigma of being in therapy is on the wane and acceptance of therapy being as normal and healthy as going out for groceries is on the rise.
Thank you all for your thoughts.
I am so glad to see this issue being brought up. I am sort of new to therapy but am aware that my therapist and I have a high probability of crossing paths. It makes me nervous to think we would and what the outcome may be. This makes me comfortable as a patient to know what others have done and gone through as recently I have really thought of this.
My school is in the same neighborhood as my therapists office and most days I have to walk past her office to get to school. I haven’t run into her yet but the thought of doing so makes me cringe..and the odds of running into her sooner or later are pretty high. I would probably do what Sonia did and walk in the other direction(mature I know). But I do that with everyone I see in public(unless it’s a really good friend).
My current therapist and I addressed this issue immediately when I began treatment with him because my previous therapist, who lived in my neighborhood (though I did not know this when she agreed to treat me) could not handle running into me, and her solution was to create rules that restricted my freedom to walk or drive past her house or to tell any of her neighbors that she was my therapist. This put me in difficult situations because her next-door neighbor’s kids often played with mine, but since I could no longer walk or drive past her house I had to take a longer route, which prompted questions from the mother of my kids’ friends. But I had to lie about the reason because my therapist told me not to tell any of her neighbors that she was my therapist, and the entire situation was horrible for me. When our therapy relationship finally ended very painfully some months later, she told me that she would never again treat anyone who lived so close to her because she knew, during my intake, that I lived nearby and that she did not like seeing her clients outside her office, but she thought she would give it a try anyway. And in the end, I was the one who felt like an intruder in my own neighborhood where I had lived for years before she even moved there.
My current therapist told me that greeting each other in public would be entirely up to me and he would follow my lead but that it was best if we didn’t “talk shop” during those encounters. I don’t run into him very often but when I do, I always say “Hi” and then move on because that’s what’s most comfortable for me. But after my experience with my previous therapist, it took me a long time to believe that I wasn’t being intrusive just by saying “Hi” to my current therapist. The experience I had with that therapist can do a lot of damage to patients who don’t realize that sometimes it’s the therapist who has issues, because we end up accepting the blame for their problems.
This is a great article and good points brought out, especially regarding family or friends being around.I usually cover this topic when discussing confidentiality. I asked what the client perfers. If they don’t mind speaking in public then I don’t either. I find that it comforts alot of clients to know their therapist is “human” and does the same things or goes to the same places. It has helped my clients open up. But if they would rather not, that doesn’t bother me. Either way I feel it should be discussed up front and agreed upon in a session prior to an incident.
My husband is the therapist and we ran into a couple client and their friends on Valentine’s Day. The client recognized HIM, and made the initiative. It was fine and they were clearly pleased to see him “as a real person”.
The last time a client approached my husband, I was trying on a wig as a joke in the center of the mall. I was just at that stage when you have on the skullcap, looking hairless, and about to don the wig. I WAS MORTIFIED! and vigorously and somewhat angrily shooed them away. But the real question is – what was I thinking, doing this in the middle of a mall anyway? Lesson learned! Now we laugh about it.
I think the real questions are…why didn’t you own your shame instead of shaming innocent clients? and why were you so ashamed to be human in front of your husband’s clients? Make an appointment!
I saw my Therapist a few times OMG!!!!!!!!! I was like ran, the other part was like say Hi, it was so embarrassing. She told me if we seen each other in public that she didn’t mind me coming up and saying hi. But she would come up to me
I usually address this issue in an early session for the clients sake and do suggest that they decide if they want to say hello to me. I tell them I will not be offended if they are in company and decide to not acknowledge me. However in the normal run of things most patients I see do say hello and often introduce me to their friends who often seem fine with the situation. I work in Shanghai with Chinese females where mental health is taboo in families, so here you have to be extra careful about how you interact in public. China is a judgemental society where everyone is concerned about what strangers think. The golden rule – let the client take the lead.
It was nice to see that another professional, and most former clients, agree with these guidelines. I cover the same information in my intake packet for new patients, and it works out fine for everybody, although a debriefing at the next session is usually called for to make sure “discomfort” feelings are processed. Good article!
I have seen my current therapist out in public and it, for some reason, always takes me by surprise. But, I say hi and she replies. Sometimes we say a few things (like when her car was not working and I offered to call someone for her) but never talk about therapy issues.
I have a past therapist I really became attached to with a two year relationship. I left the area but came back on a vacation two or three years later. I called to tell her I was in the area and we got together for dinner. Again, we did not talk about therapy issues, just life in general. Now she sends me a Christmas letter every year and I’ll see her again when I am in the area. She is a good person who I respect and like. For those who are wondering, it is ethical to have a friendship with an ex-therapist/psychologist after a year of not having a professional relationship.
What a wonderful, thoughtful article! As one who as been the therapist in some encounters – and a client in others – I must agree that the therapist should take the client’s cue. Every encounter situation is unique, considering the setting and who else may be present. Where it is within the client’s comfort zone, and initiated by the client, a brief courtesy greeting is appropriate. If the client takes a pass on a direct greeting, I cannot imagine a therapist taking offense. In the case of a client-initiated public greeting, the quick social courtesy is enough; this is certainly not the place to do ‘business.’ As several others have pointed out, a quick de-brief at the next private session is probably appropriate. Guidlines for for future encounters can be discussed when necessary. Neither clients not therapists live in isolated bubbles; we share the same communities and resources, so encounters have to be expected. I liked the mention by one commenter (therapist) that s/he included some mention of this in the initial orientation package. I may consider doing this myself. Again, each situation is unique and I believe that the resonsible therapist should be guided by the client’s lead. When we anticipate issues like this, the are much easier to deal with.
I don’t know if this conversation is still active or not, but if so. . . What do you do when you accidently join the same mom and toddler program as your former therapist (a small program that you have paid for). It seems like the most mature thing would be to stay in the group, say “hi,” talk with other friends, and try not to think about it. But that’s easier said than done!
ive run into my therapist a couple times and out of the i think5 times i only cared twice.the first time beacuse im only 15 and i was getting wasted like just recked i could barely walk and i told her i anted to have sex. she didnt really care because she knew i was drunk and just kinda forgot about it. the second time was with a diffrent therapist who was a man. i think he was gay. anway i was in walgreens buying some stuff and he was their too and we looked in eachothers shopping carts he called it a game. he had some grocerys. i had ingredients for makeing meth. im pulling out cookies and carrots and he is takeing out ammonia and inhalers and starter fluid im not going into more detail cuz i dont want anyone to try and make meth. but the next time i saw him he was mad at me and wanted to tell my parents and i got really mad. i have anger problems kinda. i get mad easily so i started yelling and then i threw a chair threw the window and when he started calling the police i hit him. one punch and i broke his nose an his jaw. i had to do about 4 months in jail and alot of community service
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Im sorry, I guess its not really that funny but…. sorry had to laugh seriously thats funny shit… hope the jail etc wasnt too bad…
My therapist is a wonderful and caring person. I have run into her several times and she always follows my lead. If I choose to acknowledge her I do and if not I don’t.
A very insightful article. I think it’s important for a therapist to respect their client’s feelings and of course their confidentiality. Being proactive by addressing this on the onset of therapy can also be helpful.
I felt this was a short but special article. Living in Cornwall in the United Kingdom I often bump into my clients. The advice ” to take the cue from the client ” is without doubt the key to it all. Some clients are happy to acknowledge you know them whilst I’ve had other clients who are embarassed by being in therapy. The key is common sense. Be human.. if someone wants to speak respond if they don’t leave them be. In this case the customer is always right.
At a public meeting I went to use the bathroom and, mid-flow, realised the person using the urinal adjacent to me was actually one of my current clients. He became aware of my presence at about the same moment and said, “Put it there and shake it”, in a humorous tone.
We acknowledge running into each other but it didn’t really feature beyond that. Most clients give a litttle nod, smile or awkward hello and I acknowledge them and continue with my day. It’s enough and holds the frame, which is my respnsibility.
One former client, who left therapy abruptly (and unsurprisingly given his track record of troubled endings through his life) spotted me out in public. The ppor man leapt clear off the ground, as if electrocuted and went a shade of grey I couldn’t have believed possible. I like to think that even beyond the end of therapy this provided him with a new experience, when the punishment/brutality he likely anticipated failed to materialise – a new experience challenging his entrenched expectations.
My old therapist and I went to the same church, we knew some of the same people. His Son in Law was the preacher at the church I attended when I lived an hour away. We saw each other at a friends wedding, but it was not awkward and no one around me knew that he was my counselor. I saw him another time at a concert. He was with his son in Law and I went up to say hi. Again his son in law was the preacher at my old church.
My new therapist came to my line at the retail store I work for. I didn’t recognize him at first until he said Hi me. I have to say it wad kinda awkward. Unlike my first counselor we didn’t have any connections to make it less awkward.
Now the first counselor and the second are in the same office, it is awkward when I see the first counselor now.