I probably don’t go a week without hearing some form of this complaint — life is unfair. It’s usually in the form of:
“I can’t believe this happened to me! Why do bad things …
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Maybe those clients and patients in our offices talking about the unfairness of life are implicitly asking another question, and by asking that question they are looking for our understanding and guidance.
Here’s the question from their point of view:
If life is by its own nature unfair, then why should I play fair?
It’s not such a simple question, since not playing fair is what always leads to the Tragedy of the Commons. What’s forgotten too often is that the first person to trigger the tragedy, to not play fair, tends to come out ahead in the calculus.
There are myriad opportunities in life not to play fair. In one’s work, with school, with one’s spouse, with … well, you see what I mean.
How does one counsel a client to play fair in an unfair world? (I’m mostly not talking about a world where a disease like ALS unfairly takes people in the prime of their life, or a tornado levels House A and leaves House B untouched. I’m talking about a world where people are unfairly cruel to others, exploit others, hurt others, and treat others like chattel.)
And the larger question is, should one?
I believe your response is very close to where I am going to go.
I’ve spent a lifetime trying to have a decent life. Not “success” by others’ standards, but by mine. I wasn’t after the yacht and the country club.
I came to notice a recurring thing. I worked hard to stay afloat. And, when things didn’t work out, I picked myself up by my alleged bootstraps and kept going.
But it was failure after failure. And so much of the bad things happening to me were outside of my control.
But what you talked about…I was never willing to cut my coworkers, backstab, cheat, lie, sabotage, etc., to get ahead. I wasn’t willing to be a superficial, bimbo-esgque type of person to get a partner, either. So here I am, struggling.
If you don’t play the game THEIR way, and you KNOW what THEIR way is…
One can answer the question to why life is unfair. Because many times it isn’t just the universe unfolding into some bad luck, or you didn’t get blessed with looks or money. Many times, when people have truly tried, when people had the best of intentions, PEOPLE, not life, have kicked them to the curb. There is a real presence behind this but so many are not willing to admit there are truly evil people.
As long as you neutralize it, and make it some fairy dust out there, one can take away the maliciousness of man. But that maliciousness is there. The person who backstabs to get ahead at work may not particularly hate the person they are backstabbing, but the result is the same, and they KNOW it. They do it anyway, because they feel they are worth more, self-absorbed, and put their conscience away. After all, to them, it’s about if you win or not, not how they play the game.
Should you do what they do? Heck no. If you are any kind of person, and have decency, you’d be crushed by your own conscious.
I may never make it, I may struggle forever, I may be alone, but I won’t sell myself out. Lying, cheating, backstabbing may give some a definite advantage in life. On the other hand, I am not fighting this off. I am not sitting here “tempted” to do bad things and trying to talk myself out of it. I simply don’t want to live that way.
Many years ago when my son was in treatment with other teens, “Life’s Not Fair!!” was responded to by the treatment team with: “Ah, but Life IS fair, because it’s “Not Fair!!” for EVERYONE.
Life kicks us in the butt indeed.
TPG just tell your clients we aren’t in 5th grade. “playing unfair” by means of breaking the law, rules, or simply being malicious just to “even things out” with a world that has treated them unfairly is simply infantile behavior. If they are thinking of behaving that way just for the sake of getting even then well..I am glad they are in therapy!
Such a casual attitude toward the unfairness of life wouldn’t be helpful to me in the throes of a depression, since I would then reason, “Hey, if life isn’t fair, I don’t want it.” I would respond better to the “life is fair because it is unfair to everyone” paradox.
Everybody gets one life and it is up to them to make the best of it. We all have choices and we all get to make those choices when thinking with a sound and clear mind. Those who can’t do it on their own need help and guidance and should seek that help whether it be friends, family or therapy. For those that have the sound mind and think that life in general is unfair, isn’t seeing the whole picture. Life is what you make of it, find new friends, get a better job, go to school at night, find a way and create a better life for yourself. If you’re not willing to do it, then who’s going to do it? If life is so unfair, then motivate yourself to make it better.
When one doesn’t have a lot of friends or family…I moved several times to stay employed. It was that or be on the streets. I worked nights, weekends, crazy schedules, so it was hard to make friends when I moved. I have a few now, where I live, but I am older, and it isn’t the same as one was 21.
For a lot of us, the economy has been a nightmare. Saturating our professions, downgrading our skills no matter how much more education we got. We found ourselves swimming in a giant pool of many.
Life is simply unfair, and if you can live in your little piece of the world and find some good, then that’s what it is.
We are simply animals, and we are struggling to survive. If you have enough money, and someone once said “Your wallet is your best friend”…you have beat the worst of odds. If you have enough money to buy a safe place to live, eat good food, have medical care, you are ahead. It is the basics in life that are the foundation.
I agree with LovebirdsFlying 100% – in my depressive moods the “life isn’t fair, so now what?” question would lead to what would be the obvious answer at that time: ending it.
And also as LovebirdsFlying stated, the flippant attitude toward depressed patients such as that displayed by posting a picture of a crying toddler at the top of this article, does little to help matters.
I think that something that goes hand in hand with life is not fair is the shocking reality that we are not able to be fair to everyone either. It just isn’t possible either through circumstances or psychological predispositions.
There is no such thing as playing fair…many listed breaking the law, cheating etc as not playing fair. But is it really not playing fair or is it really survival 101. We live to have our own needs met. Regardless of how altruistic a person may seem there is always a selfish underlying purpose. The problem is the that all things are relative and so what seems as survival to one is seen as playing unfair to another.
Stop expecting life to be fair and stop beating yourself up for not playing fair.
And those that are crying about how it is worded need to get over yourself. The world does not care if you cease to live so holding suicide up for ransom is really an empty threat.
If you really think that the experience of life is not worth the unfairness then perhaps you would be happier in the hereafter however you may see it. I know that some believe that suicide will lead to hell so I guess you will simply have to suffer, I just hope it is worth it.
Kenneth…I agree with you. In life when times are tough you sometimes have to do what you have to do, even if it means cause discomfort to others. It all comes full-circle…times will be had when the tables are turned and someone will have to cause you a degree of discomfort. That’s just the way it goes…you can’t beat it so you might as well go with it…
Interesting article but somewhat abstract.
From another angle, the justice system is intended to promote fairness (ideally). It seems much of our culture is devoted to so-called fairness; if not, yes, we would all be left to fend for ourselves and would have already destroyed one another.
If it were not for the leaders in activism, consumer rights, human rights, those pushing for new laws (mental health parity, for example), etc…in other words, if it were not for those who took a stand for fairness, we’d be in the dark ages.
Consider the advice the article conveys:
“Life is indeed unfair. Once you accept that basic and unfortunate aspect of living, you can move on to the next step — and energize yourself to move forward. Imagine all of the energy you’ll be saving from not having this particular thought always running around in your head any more!”
You know-many who have been wronged are those responsible for the positive changes in our society. There are plenty of examples-think civil rights. It is still a work in progress, but if people took your advice back then….and saved their “energy”…
Perhaps that wasn’t the point of the article, but it’s all relative. I say stand up for yourself. Promote fairness. Promote altruism. Promote basic respect for human dignity. Yes, generally human nature leans toward the selfish side-but we are not animals.
Some who have the so-called victim mentality are true victims of abuse or society or whatever or whomever, and justice should be served. Maintaining a culture of suck it up, pull yourself up by your bootstraps de-humanizes us as a culture.
I agree that sometimes, one may be better off conserving one’s energy and accepting fate, but being a doormat seems to only lead to more unfairness. The more incentives people have to be unfair or unjust or just plain mean, the more likely their behavior will continue to manifest.
I agree. For the person who has worked really hard their whole life and never gotten a break, for the person who took risks, went the extra mile, but never got ahead…or worse, the economy took them down…looking at the person who was given everything, or got it from someone else, the mindless conspicuously leisurely types.
But if I had been one of them, with not-earned advantages, I would not be who I am today. And evolution says “survival of the fittest”, not those who lead charmed lives. They may gain advantages with eating better food, more time to exercise, and better medical care. But mentally, those of us who have struggled are more mentally “skilled”.
Kenneth, what exactly does “Get over yourself” mean?
I hope you’re not a professional therapist, with that total lack of compassion.
My son was diagnosed with Bipolar at 19.
Three years later he is still struggling, isolated,
dealing with the stigma of mental illness,feeling abandoned by all his friends.
Do i sometimes think it’s not fair what’s happened to him , yes. It’s hard to see your child suffer.
Have I learned alot about myself from this , yes.
It’s changed my outlook on life completely, makes me appreciate the simple things in life.
It’s been a life changing experience for me,in alot of good ways. My hope is that my son one day will get better and not suffer like he is now.
life is very unfair on me nothing ever goes right for me no matter how hard i try.i spend my whole life out cast at school no body wanted to play with me.no body wanted sit with me at school .i was blamed in the wrong for others,every single exam i studied for i failed it wasn,t from the lack of study.i have learning difficulty as well.every guy i have like has rejected me and treated me like dirt,i was threaten even attack at one stage.i have no friends to speak of not even one.i applied for jobs no one would give me.i never had boyfriend once in my life and i never got my first kiss either.i was bullied constantly at school even my first day i was called names .i never travelled i live on the social welfare.living at home in my 30s with no job,no boyfriend,no collage degree,no friend,no car,no social life.i found 12 snow white hairs in my head already
the bullies who made my life misery are miles better off then i am.
NOW THATS UNFAIR !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jane,
I have read your post from 6/8/10 and I am
sincerely saddened by the pain, rejection and
hurt that you must have felt all your life by
the unfair hand that life has dealt you. I know
that words seem inadequate to offer you
comfort, much less address the horrible
unfairness that you had to face. But, if I can
offer you any peace of mind, I also had to
deal with disappointments, hurt, anger and
the feeling that life has dealt me a rough hand.
I hope that you can find it within yourself to
know that you are a valuable human life
that is wonderful and irreplaceable.
and the guy was rotten to me has every thing.
bs(hons)degree in computers 6 yaers of collage
girlfriends
friends
job
travelled
athletic
car
money
3rd dan black belt
meet famous people
hes good looking,tall,intelligent,slim,blonde,
every one loves him.
and me i got nothing with all effort and i got no where.
i have learning difficulty
fail at exams
no boyfriend ever
no friends
no car
no job
never travelled
couldn’t,t get a job
bullied a lot
i am also fat and ugly and old, rejected ,insulted,always fail, i am such loser ,life has passed me by as well,every guy i like hated me they told me to my face that they did n,t like me
what the use god hates me as well like torturing insects and see how would they survive ,that it what its like
we are guinea pigs and insects.
so after all my set backs i am giving up and throwing in the towel on every thing.its hopeless.counselling isn,t helping me either i am done for every possible way.i had enough of being of life been dead would be easier .i,d be better off dead i had enough .
god can do what he like the bastard after what he has done to me,he ruined me and my life.no such place or positiveness its joke .i hate him like all the other god is no different from the bullies and people who were to me and use me.i hate life i wish i never had one .
life won,t change for me and it won,t improve either i am tried of being hated and took advantage of
I really think life is unfair. I dont seems to have what i hope to have despite me working so hard 7 wasting so much money on trying to achieve my “dreams”. All i want is just a nice warm family and not a family always full of argument and i am always the middle man. And i have real bad skin, an ance sufferer for so long, despite trying to cure it i ended up getting disappointment and my pocket always has a big hole. To make matter worst, i have small brown pigmentation on my whole day which i think is inherited. I cant wear nice shorts cause i am scared of showing my legs i dont even want to go out. To make matter worst, i once bummped into a girl and she critised my skin as she went off just to get back to me for bumping into me. So what if i have skin problem, am i not human??!! Is it because i did something bad in my previous life so i get this punishment in this life? And i have no money, i got to save extremely hard by cutting out my meals so as to save the money to cure my skin (i am a student). My mum has also spent lots of money to help me and i feel very bad cause we dont have money to actually do that. Whenever, i go out and saw those girls with good complexion, i am so envy, and i feel that they are looking at me in disgust. Honestly, my looks are ok but my skin problem seems to make the so ugly.I am afraid that i will get depression, as i am thinking about my skin almost everyday, sometimes i lose insomia and my family’s matters is killing me, i feel like dying but i know i cant cause my family afterall, still loves me. I keep on thinking “why me? why i am deaf in 1 ear, i have bad skin, i dont have warmth family? why my friends have?” i know that i may not be the most unfortunate person, there are many out there more unfortunate than me. But why cant god be fairer? why dont they just give me a good skin and family? I am not expecting to be a real beauty just a normal healthy person will do. Why some ppl can have every good things in this world? I did not do any evil things in this life instead i try my best to help ppl. Does it mean i have to wait till nxt life than i can get what i want? Moreover, i have many friends but no true friend. I am really sad, because of all these problems, i cutted out the activities that a teenage shld have, i am afraid to venture out into the world. What should i do?
@ Christine
I understand everything that you are saying. My family is a very lower middle class family, and my family has lots of financial restrictions too. I am very dark, asian and so at school everyone used to criticize me. They used to call me rude names and look at me as if they were disgusted. I felt as if i was insignificant. As if i was just a piece of dirt. I grew depressed and i started to stop socializing. I started to think dying was the best option. But then i realized this wasn’t right. However clique it might sound but it’s true that no one can hurt your feelings until you let them to do so. By which, i mean that ignore them. I have learnt to do that. I have decided their opinion doesn’t matter to me. I don’t care about them or how they think. I don’t know you, neither do u know me but i just want to say that please, be brave. Believe in yourself, someone or other will come by your side to help you. Who will like you for who you are not for what you look like. Sometimes, it’s hard to understand why certain things happen in our life especially if you’ve done nothing. But don’t worry, everything will be fine. You have to keep that faith and be brave. This world can be as cruel as kind it seems. So, keeping an open mind that someone does care for you (i already do) and being brave to survive will hopefully help you. I have tried to do the same. I hope this helps you because i do want to help you.
So what about children starving in Africa or suffering from AIDS? What about people whose parents abuse or rape them? What about a child dying a horrible, painful death due to something completely out of his or her control?
I think that life is unfair. It’s not an excuse to spend all of a person’s time complaining and crying ‘poor me, poor me’ but I felt that this article didn’t address the true unfairness in today’s world. It goes beyond someone being sad because they aren’t rich and don’t have a mansion and ten cars. There are people in this world who truly suffer. Are you going to tell them to just get over it and see it as a learning experience?
My father is addicted to crack cocaine, and was extremely violent during the first few years of my life (after which, my mother promptly sought divorce). My mother loves me terribly, and would do anything to help me; but struggles with day-to-day life, often leaving me as the emotional support. I was raped for seven years during my childhood, and told nobody during that time – when I finally did come out, to a school social worker nonetheless, I was told (by the social worker) that I must have “wanted it”. I’ve been severely bullied – emotionally, psychologically and physically – all my life. Mental illness has caused me to struggle through things that would otherwise be easy, and has often limited my potential.
Do I often think about what life would have been like, had it not been for everything? Have I often cried, screamed, raged and broken down about it? Have I said some of those same things you quote, and compare to child-like behavior? Yes, I certainly have; but not out of pity, or feeling sorry for myself. Nor is it because I believe I am entitled, or special and should have the world work my way all the time. I know that the world isn’t fair, and I know that the best I can do is take what I have, trudge forward and work through the mazes of life as they are now. Of course, I know that. And that is why I found this article incredibly insensitive, and rather unthoughtful.
Yet, if I know all of those things, then why do I still think that way, or sometimes break down over it – in anger, frustration and sorrow? Yes, it’s a cognitive distortion; but it comes from a place far more complex than that. As, when I say those things, it is not whining or some regression to child-like behavior – it is greif. There have been things that have happened to me that are painful, horrific, traumatizing and life-altering. They have stolen things from me, made things harder and creating damage that, to some extent, will likely always be there. That’s not pity: that’s simply reality. So, when I say “life isn’t fair!” or “things would have been so different!” it is not entitlement or immaturity speaking – it is greif. Grief, and the events that led to it, needs to be processed, worked through and screamed and cried and raged about. It needs to be released into the air, and the hole it left filled with something new. The weight it crushed me under lifted. This needs to happen for acceptance to happen. For peace to happen. It needs to happen before those pesky cognitive distortions can be worked out, if they’re left at all. It needs to happen before I can look back on something, and learn from it. Or find something good out of it. I need that time to scream – or, as you see it, whine like a child. Not to the point it takes over my life, and not without the active goal of working past it, of course; but, for that 45 minutes I sit with my therapist, I need to be able to simply scream, and cry, and grieve for some of it. Then, once it’s been dished out, we can work on spinning it into something new. Something that doesn’t look as ugly.
I hope that, when your patients come to you with these needs, you don’t tell them you’re acting childish. Keep things structured and goals in mind, yes; but respect the greif, and help them process it, feel it and accept it. Then bring up cognitive distortions, learning something and moving forward in life.
Erika
So true Erica. Grieving is absolutely essential. Essential.
Life doesn’t always go your way. Forget fair. Feel forgotten. But,damn, you don’t stop playing it.
Kenneth: That attitude, even if you believe it does not help anyone in any way. The whole purpose of having a discussion like this is to HELP people deal with life adversities. You saying “Noone cares if you commit suicide anyway!” is pointless, and helps noone.
There’s no easy answer to address the unfairness of life. It’s easy, as a third party to tell someone “Get over it”, or “Just accept it”, when you aren’t experiencing the sufferings of the other person. Yes, we can have empathy and compassion, but at the end of the day, it’s the OTHER person who is alone, in the middle of the night, that still faces their problem with anxiety, emotional pain, and fear… Not you.
We are not all created with an equal chance to do whatever we want as many people are born with disabilities. Some of us may struggle for our entire lives at making our dreams come true only to have them crushed by a freak accident which could severely mame or even kill us.
I do am not content with just putting on a happy face and getting on with it trying to work as hard as possible and i think that the idea of dying to protect your dream is pathetic (why should i have to die just to get what i want?, how can i fully appreciate my dream if i am dead?.)
I wouldn’t say that life is unfair because my opinion of life is beyond words and in my opinion God is just sitting up in heaven enjoying the show (as would i if i where God quite frankly).
i liked that and life is always going to be unfair so u got to accept the facts
WOW! Some of the responses on here are just so ignorant. Life is unfair, very unfair and we do not always get to choose the life we lead! It urks me when people go around preaching about how we choose our own circumstances! While it may be true we choose how we DEAL with our circumstances, we do not always get to choose our circumstance! Sometimes we are born into horrible circumstances, and that is definately unfair! There is NOTHING wrong with stating how unfair life is…because it’s the truth! Walking around with a black cloud over one’s head and having a mental illness is a whole other ball game. To me, there is nothing wrong with being honest. There are pessimist’s, optimist’s and realist’s. I prefer to be a realist. To me the cup isn’t half empty or half full, it’s equally empty and full!