I think some people grow up believing in their heart and soul that they are loved and accepted and so therefore don’t have to depend so much on other people to give them …
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thanks i needed that.
I was glad to see this, to see my people-pleasing ways aren’t mine alone.
The worst part of my people-pleasing rears its head when I’m in the shrink’s or therapist’s office. My spirits boost from wherever they were, & I put on the happiest face I can. I just don’t want to feel like I’m complaining, like I might be driving my providers to dislike me.
That doesn’t help with my mental-health needs. My providers see a happy &/or balanced person, which is rarely what I am.
Thanks for the I’m-not-alone boost.
Believe it or not some people will even go to the length of denying that their children have suffered sexual abuse at the hands of their teacher/principal. I have seen this for myself- incredulous as it seems- once again truth IS stranger than fiction- felt I was living in a made for TV movie; temporarily doubted my own version of the truth even though my gut and the police affirmed everything the kids said and more, from witnesses from years gone by. Over the years since I have witnessed this, and after supporting my child and some other girls in spite of the backlash of denial, I have concluded that the adults and parents were more concerned about their reputation and not ‘rocking the boat’ than to believe these girls and that this was largely about some insane need to please others or more accurately, for many well educated, privileged persons to continue on in blissful ignorance that in their fabulous world, nothing ‘ dirty’ or untoward ever happens. I really should write that book…
This describes me to a ‘t’, as I’ sure, many, many people. I’m a bodyworker.. I know first-hand what this does to our health, what it’s done to mine. I’m slowly reclaiming my voice, but the challenge I’m finding underneath is not just fear of being disliked, but what if I’m wrong? What if whatever it is that I’m expressing *is* really inappropriate or off the wall or insensitive? That scares me more sometimes than being disliked. Sometimes.
But I think this is a long-term effect of people-pleasing: you lose touch with your own essence and truth.
Thanks for posting this. It describes so many of us – in the case of a lot of the validation-denying people we deal with, when we try to get them to like us or pat us on the back, we’re shopping for bread in the hardware store. Doesn’t matter how diligently we seek it out, it’s just not on any of the shelves in that place.
Takes me back to one of the last conversations I had with my bio father. I’d just finished a graduate degree with a 4.0 GPA and honors on the comp final, while also working full time; I brought this achievement to him hoping he’d say “good job!” Instead, what I got was, “too bad you couldn’t have done it at a better school.” That was finally ridiculous enough that despite the hurt, I had to laugh, and I quit trying to breathe life into a relationship that had been born dead.
As my stepfather once said – a very good, kind, and perceptive man – “If you’re waiting for justice or appreciation, sit down and get comfortable; you’ll be a while.”
Oh, I wish I could say I am a recovered people pleaser but that wouldn’t be true! I am still a pleaser in recovery. I am consciously aware of it as I do it. Sometimes it’s perfectly okay and other times I know I should stand up for myself, but don’t. For me it isn’t about being liked or accepted so much as wishing to avoid confrontation. That old programming is pretty powerful.
Thanks for posting this. I am certainly a people-pleaser. No matter how wrong I realize the other person may be, if it threatens their acceptance of me, I will not speak up. This has led to trouble in my personal life and added to the self-loathing I already have towards myself. “Why can’t I just stop caring what others think?” I’ll ask myself “It shouldn’t be so hard.” This self-beating can continue for hours.
After reading this blog, however, I think I’m going to try to not care if others accept me. Even better, I will try to speak my mind despite the fact I care if people like me. I’ll most likely fail; but, hey, at least I would have trued.
With Love,
Erika
I think it does get easier the more you do it—standing up for yourself, that is. I found that getting older helps (an upside of menopause!). I bet there’s a hormonal tie-in somewhere.
thankyou, I really needed that.
“Validation-denying” – I like that phrase! Some people deny us validation just because they enjoy it. And there’s nothing they hate worse than to see us validated by an independent third party (eg a college) when they weren’t there to tell everybody to ignore us. It’s not all self-inflicted, you know!
Here it is in a nutshell, try not to dwell on whether people like you or even try to spend too much energy figuring out if you like them, it comes down to respect. As long as you show everybody a descent level of respect and treat them the same way that you hope to be treated you’ll be fine. That is a great place to start, if you have been respectful to them in a courteous way of some sort and they don’t reciprocate any respect back to you, then you’re done. You now know who is worth your time and who is not. That doesn’t solve all your problems, but that lays the best foundation out there. Happy New Year!
I believe that I am a recovering people-pleaser. Took long enough, but hey..mistakes are made to grow on.
This article certainly hit home. I’ve found that denying myself my own personal integrity in order to try and fill a role I thought would leave me liked and loveable, I lost a bit of self-respect, self-worth and integrity. On top of it all, stuffing my true feelings on how I really felt led to simmering anger, rage and confusion.
One day, I just ‘woke up’, realized that I needed to please myself instead of worrying about how everyone else, but me,felt.
There is a saying I heard recently…”Smoke of the neighbors renders you blind” I can see how this could apply to a people-pleaser. I, too, have felt blinded by the denial of my own misery, as I was too busy worrying about the lives and goings on of everyone around me..trying to keep them happy..when I was not ..
Thanks for such a thought provoking article
Geeze, this is me to a tee and something I am trying to work on. My very perceptive, kind man tell me all the time to stop and take care of me. It is a hard cycle to break.
yes i been a people pleaser an i been hurt i have very bad depression on lote of med very bad medical history.all they do is try to boss me i am 73 years old but my 3 sons an 2 daghter does not belive me they do not want to help me i want to live alone but they said no p;ease give me some advice thanks
Katheryn Carr,
I am a an original cast member in attendance of the Internet Grand Opening Party! I graduated HS with a breeze and excellent GPA and never brought homework home did it in the preceeding class. My parents were somewhat ticked when I opted to step out of HS and enter Tech in its inception. I have worked in every sector of Technology in Silicon Valley, never married, paid $70K to get custody of my two kids, walked away from it all at the age of 40! 9 years ago I was told by my Pulmonary Heart Dr. that I had a rare disease and had a year left in which to live. Now he tells me that I am a 1 in 500+ million success story, and I tell him yes but because of your inconsistent manner of testing me throughout the years I can only be a “best case scenario” proof of “The Placebo Effect”! Then I said thanks for the Dodge Viper that I bought to go out with in style that I just paid off because I wasn’t supposed to be here!
Slowly step down from the meds in a manner that doesn’t comprimise your actual health. Read every leaflet of every pill perscribed and possible side effects and/or ingredients and keep your own log book. I was taking 40+ pills each day, as they always came up with reasons to add more when possible but never taking any away despite my requests to hit reset! Don’t let people tell you that you are depressed if you aren’t.
You are 73 years old and your children are living proof of that and unless they have medical degrees aren’t able to properly give you advice! I am witnessing my family financially milking my grandmother’s estate (my father the trustee) and they are telling her she is dying (she is 98) I went with my father one time and had a long talk with her and sure she is old but we all are but is nothing but being of right mind and body and should have never signed any paper for anyone to act on her behalf. As of this Christmas they didn’t even go get her to celebrate with the family spending her money. I didn’t go celebrate with them either instead I spent a quiet enjoyable time on Christmas with my “still sharp as a tack” grandmother.
You are only as old as you allow yourself to feel or be told by someone else how you are as well! Hide the calendars & clocks and find whatever it is that makes you happy (knitting, gardening, etc.) everyone has at least one thing. Mine is classic cars built my first at 14 and they have always kept me grounded as a single father of two living in electroland. I walked away from my 6 figure gig because I saw what it was doing to my own kids and the youth of today. At 73 there is no need for you to even own a PC unless you are talking to real concerned friends or family. Do what you know and the PC wasn’t even a staple when you were 50 so leave it alone. I tossed one in my swimming pool last night at the stroke of midnight!
Think well, be well, and you never know you might just actually be both as well!
I, too, can relate to this blog. Thank you for sharing your story.
Nobody’sDoorMat at 6:10 pm on December 30th, 2009 said:
I believe that I am a recovering people-pleaser. Took long enough, but hey..mistakes are made to grow on.
This article certainly hit home. I’ve found that denying myself my own personal integrity in order to try and fill a role I thought would leave me liked and loveable, I lost a bit of self-respect, self-worth and integrity. On top of it all, stuffing my true feelings on how I really felt led to simmering anger, rage and confusion.
One day, I just ‘woke up’, realized that I needed to please myself instead of worrying about how everyone else, but me,felt.
There is a saying I heard recently…”Smoke of the neighbors renders you blind” I can see how this could apply to a people-pleaser. I, too, have felt blinded by the denial of my own misery, as I was too busy worrying about the lives and goings on of everyone around me..trying to keep them happy..when I was not ..
Thanks for such a thought provoking article
Nobody’s Door Mat, I couldn’t have said it any better. I realize what I’m letting people get away with and get so angry. Thanks for sharing, I can relate almost identically!
THANKS TO THE PERSON THAT WAS SO BOLD TO EMAIL THIS ARTICAL.RIGHT NOW I AM IN THE PROCESS OF EXCERSING THE MUSCLE OF BEING A PEOPLE PLEASER.IT IT DOES NOT FEEL GOOD.BUT I CAN SEE THE RESULTS
I SOMETIMES MAKE MY DECSIONS TO PLEASE PEOPLE,IN THE THE END I AM FRUSTRADED.I FEEL I COULD HAVE BEEN FAR IN LIFE ALREADY.BUT ALSO REALISE ITS NEVER TO LATE TO MAKE DISCIONS THATS GOOD FOR ME