The other day I was responding to someone who was dreading the holidays with her ‘dysfunctional family’ (her words). It got me thinking about that word, dysfunctional, and how it implies that there is …
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Your list was interesting. I was more and more intrigued to keep reading as your article progressed so I could find out what you considered disfunctionally functional. What I found as I read was a confirmation of the issues which were the major ones I had myself identified through the years which resulted in a disjointed family that continues today. Our problems are not that we don’t know how to get along at holiday gatherings. Our problems are that we don’t know how to bond together to form a cohesive family. All the ingredients you mentioned are there which make it easy to function together when we are celebrating holidays for 4 or 5 days together at a time. But as a family, our parents are dead now, there are we four children left, and we have no “emotionally safe environment”, “resilient foundation”,”ability to apologize”,”reasonable expression of emotions”,”teasing and sarcasm”,”allowance of people to change and grow”,”encouragement of siblings to work together (big one)”,or “having each other’s backs”. In my family of origin, there was very little expression of love from our parents and each child felt alone and on his own. There was much un-expressed anger. When we left home as adults, we went our separate ways and never “bonded” as siblings. It is still much that way. It makes me sad. Through the years, we had formal familial rules handed down from earlier generations which made holiday gatherings tolerable but there was still an underlying current of sadness.
Great blog I would like to republish it on Women New Baby Care Please. thanks
This is an excellent topic and your list covers a lot of ground well. I would add, for many families, the “dysfunctionally functional” attributes may be very important to understand so that there is improvement in the functional family behaviors.
As the sole neurotypical (and female) member of a small family whose other members have Aspergers syndrome (high functioning), if my behavior is not continually and diligently modeling the attributes on your list, things rapidly fall apart because the other family members can’t maintain most of the functional relational behaviors on their own. Sadly, in these kinds of families, the disintegration can go on for years if none of the family members understand why the relationships are so difficult. So a professional diagnosis may be crucial in helping those family members who are willing to accept, and thus understand, the “dysfunctional” behaviors that form in relationships where neurodevelopmental issues are dominant and have been unrecognized.
There are a lot of families like mine and I am noticing that those who’ve had a diagnosis and some professional help to guide them seem to do much better when CBT and collaborative problem solving approaches are used. Even when participation is limited to only the willing member(s), the children are helped because there is overall improvement in the family environment. Even a little bit more “fresh air” can be life saving in cases like this (literally). Maybe this is form of psychological triage, but it may be the best way to get/provide help.
Your article was interesting and many of the points fit my in-laws. They pull together and blame everyone but themselves thinking they are always right. My wife refuses to apologize even though I do apologize to her. I would add people that are closed minded like my in-laws instead of being open to different ideas from others. The family started with a mother and husband from abusive families, sex abuse and physical abuse for the other spouse as they grew up. It lead to extreme issues with sex and intimacy that has been passed down to the kids that has lead to four divorces out of five kids along with two long separations for the other marriages. I would add people that don’t include in-laws traditions around holidays.
All this time I’ve been fighting to make meaning of ‘functional’. To me it has meant to be willing to do & be the best I possible can on a continuos basis. I guess I’ve been on the right path somewhat. I’m sure this will help many of us, especially those who tend to carry the guilt complex, guilt to be a perfect family.Thanks!
Wouldn’t change a thing on the list – and plan to share it with others. RESPECT is at the heart -it’s love in action, treating others with care and concern, no matter what you “feel” at a particular moment. And it’s a nice change to have someone come at this identifying the source of strengths. Now, if only my family would cooperate
It’s sad for me to read this list. It is not the family I grew up in and it is not how I raised my kids. Mental illness, alcoholism, and mean spirits caused by neglect and abuse were the problems that, much as my husband and I tried to be different, we passed on to our kids. We were naive to think that trying hard to be good parents (w/o any real idea of what that meant) and not drinking would make a difference. As it is, my children, grandchildren, nieces and nephews are just as dysfunctional as my family of origin. In some ways they are worse.
and…the ability to talk about what is wrong/not working, even if that is not “in the heat of the moment” – that makes all the difference.
Wow! Did I ever grow up in a dysfunctional family!!! All of the above were violated!
This list is really amazing and I guess I can say that I really did grow up in a “functional” family.
The only one we were kinda off on was the teasing/sarcasm, we tease each other with sarcasm way too often and some of us don’t take it too lightly.For Example, my mother, this hilarious Puertorican lady who unbelieveably can’t take jokes. Boy was that frustrating growing up.
But getting back to the subject at hand this list is truly what i would think would lead everyone to just coexist in harmony. Great job!
excellent article…is this what a functional family looks like? I have a small family and very, dysfunctional. My question is how you overcome the damage a dysfunctional family causes?
Honesty you forgot that, I think that it is one of the most important, when someone pretends to be one thing and they are not,puts a phony front on , when actions don’t match up with words it has caused a real rift in our family.
h, ive decided to do my science fair project on the perception of children and parents of weather their family is funcional or dysfuncional. i have to create a survey that is capable of measuring funcionality. any ideas?
Great Article. I believe that honesty is a good addition as someone mentioned earlier. I realised that for a functional family, we can start with a functional relationship. Or vice versa. And do unto others as we would like done unto us. Values.
Also we need to touch on.. personality. Personality affects whether you would result in a functional family or not. And also even if I have a functional family, does not mean that my kids would understand it fully to be a good parent and have functional families.
I know that we are all learning. It is a long hard process and to get the other half that would support developing a functional family!
I once read on some measure of ‘dysfunctionality’ the question of how much energy the members of the family have. Low energy apparently shows dysfunctionality though there was nothing there to explain the various factors involved here. It was interesting because everyone in my family is constantly depleted, and its always been that way…
Wonderful Article. I would only add one item to the list that has all but destroyed my family along with severe lack of respect from the parents to the children.
Criticisms of Each Other Left Outside the Home
Parents must refrain from criticizing the other parent (their spouse or former spouse) or children with other family members in our out of their presence. Instead, look for ways to address issues that exist, how to resolve them, and how to forgive. Not criticizing should never be an excuse to not deal with real issues between family members.