Several mom friends of mine have lately come down with a bad case of “empty-nest depression” — moms who just dropped off their youngest offspring to college, or moms having difficulty keeping busy now that the …
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Hi Theresa and Barbara,
Thank you for sharing this information with us all. You offer some rational and practical no nonsense advice in your post and I do hope that women can accept this as a transitional period.
I particularly appreciated the statement;
“My suggestion to any woman currently suffering separation depression and loss of identity, is to remember that you have years ahead of you that can be quite fulfilling. After menopause, the energy that our bodies put into reproduction each month is over, and we often gain a new burst of it.”
Use this energy wisely, it is a gift. If you use this energy against your self then you are heading for troubled waters. Take heed.
Thanks again.
Regards
Dawn Pugh
I, and so many of my friends, have been amazed by how deeply we’re affected by our kids leaving home. We are professional women, who have always worked full or part time, and created full lives with friends, interests, etc. But this is something no “What to Expect” prepared us for.
I explored what it was like to let my son go in an essay which I posted here. http://lettingourkidsgo.blogspot.com I discovered (surprise) the deep roots my sorrow has, and value the solace that recognition has brought.
These are encouraging and hopeful words for so many. As a psychologist and empty-nest mom, I would certainly want to say that real depression is an awful condition to struggle with, and thankfully there are many ways to treat it. I think an important part of the empty-nest transition involves a change in perspective, and a redefinition of the parent-child relationship. There is more about this in several entries of the Parenting Twenty-Somethings blog at http://parenting20-somethings.blogspot.com for any who are interested. The holiday season upon us is particularly emotional, and sometimes challenging – but also provides an opportunity for hope and some bright spots in the midst of a tough time.
I have felt “kicked to the curb” by both my daughters. One daughter is off at college and has always been very independent and our other daughter is a teenager with little time for her “old embarrasing mom”. I am a professional woman with many dear friends who totally support me but I am feeling little purpose as I go forward in our incredibly quiet house. I work long hours but I think I miss the frenetic sports schedule, homework and other parental duties that I used to complain about. Anyone else feel this way?
I am an older mom, 60 who has an empty nest. Also two daughters. One was special needs and made life very difficult for all of us. My husband had a life long illness that has finally been cured. I was a special needs stay at home for many very hard years. Now my husband has a brand new life. He had been a professor of ceramics and taught at his own studio until he got sick. He now plans to go back to that, I did everything in the house, with the kids , with the financials -all of it. Now no one gives a damn about me or what I need. They only care about themselves . I am so sad I can just wait to die. I have some physical problems and am weak and exhausted from years of care taking of them and my mother in law as well. I had hoped to travel, but my husband now “cured” wants to get back to his ceramics and fishing, I am alone all the time on call for the special needs kid. I have sarcoidosis and scars on my heart that I take meds for that prevent any real exercise, I am overweight, ugly and wish I never married or had kids. I would be a drunk if I had the energy.
Joyce, I have a 15 yo son, and I sure do feel “kicked to the curb.” I work weird hours in retail, and am exhausted all the time, and am just so uncool. I am a single mom trying not to lose the house, paybills and eat, etc. At least we can have breakfast together. I don’t have any other kids. His independence hits hard, because he was a special needs kid, and with his proper school program and lots of work he is doing so well, I just miss doing things with him like we did when he was younger and would tolerate me. Throw in that his dad is 2,000 miles away and doesn’t see him and doesn’t call but every few months. Jane, there are some silver linings with what you’re going through, the burden of taking care of your husband is through, as is the constant burden of taking care of your special needs daughter constantly. Now, I know and you know that this is not something we consider a burden, but the stress involved is a burden. You have another whammy in that you have health problems and sounds like anger and hopelessness about these health issues. Do you know the serenity prayer? It’s not just for Alcoholics Anonymous. Even if you’re not religious, it makes sense. Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change,courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. You can’t really control what your husband does or how he considers you–you need to step up and take care of you. You mentioned that you are overweight–switching over to a more healthy diet (not knowing what you eat now, and I feel like a tv commercial) will help with your weight (and incidentally your blood sugar which affects our moods), help with your heart issues, and may give you more energy. Little things really do help, and they add up. Losing weight, you’ll feel like you look better. This is stuff to talk to your dr. about. But this is in your control to do it or not. It’s not an on-off switch. I went through post-partum depression without knowing it, for 2 years. With meds, I wanted to kill me and my family. I just truged through with a new baby, 2,000 miles from my family and friends–alone with a husband who worked 12 hour swing shifts. I tried to find enjoyment in flowers, good weather, a dinner that came out just the way I wanted it, learning from my son, anything I could and somehow got through. Now I’m having a hard time again, and somehow getting through. Jsne, you need you now, you’ve taken care of everyone else. Now take care of you. You’re a good person for taking care of them, and you deserve it. Wisdom.
I am so glad to hear there is a “term” for what I am going through. I started my blog to journal my own thoughts so I wouldn’t go crazy. Glad to know I am not along!
Help! all I ever wanted was to be a good mother. I was blessed with 3 children. The oldest boy has been married three years now. Which, that too was so difficult. Mother’s of the sons don’t count for too much. My 22 yr old son is home, but struggles daily which decisions of what he should do with his life. and talks of not employment in our town so he may need to move away. Then this weekend going to college open house with my only daughter, and close friend. We laugh, and share to much and she announces she really likes this college! I’m the one who talked her into going and trying out the open house. and keeping a open mind! I know it would be a great school for her. She cry’s about leaving her two dogs. The past two days I can’t sleep, I feel like I’ve been kicked in the stomach. I do not show her this. I try to act happy, when I’m wanting to cry myself. I know life will never be the same. But I know she needs to do this! I just have all these feelings inside my body, and I don’t know what to do with them. I don’t know if someone can say something to me that will help me sense or take some of the horrible pain away I feel. Like I’m losing her.
I am sorry for you. I feel exactly that way. All sick inside and I can’t even breathe right. I can’t stand being near the door to my sons empty room. Idk what to do to feel better. I hate it that my life will now never be the same and I feel like I’m just done now. I hope time helps. I have no FREINDS as my family have been everything to me. I don’t even know ho or where to make FREINDS. But I know just what you are feeling.
Dear Abandoned Mom,
I know what you are going through. My 18 year old daughter moved out to go to school 2 days ago. I knew this day would come but was in denial. Even the last two days before she left, I went on as if it was all a dream and nothing was going to happen. As she drove off, I completely lost it and I have been a MESS since. I walk around the house and there are memories in every room. I have been crying often and I feel lost and heartbroken.
What brings me comfort (and hope it does you as well) is knowing that I raised a strong young woman. I know she is going to be all right and that as a mother I have been preparing her for this day. She is a beautiful butterfly that has been in my cacoon for 18 years and has found her wings. I need to remind myself that I did a GREAT job and that she will succeed in life.
also allow yourself to cry and grief. I found that crying makes me feel a lot better and releases the pain that I feel in my heart.
I am just now using Google to describe what I have been going through for the past 5 years. At first I did not recognize it as depression. But now that I am coming out of the fog of getting over my children are not only out of the nest but out of the state being the successful adults that i had always hoped they would be, I still very empty. I forgot to tell them to be successful but to stay where my husband and I are. I am beginning to have ambitions again but after the last 5 years of moving back to my home state, the death of my father, realizing that my mother has Alzheimer, and my children finding success in completely different locations I just feel orphaned or something.
I hate that I cannot just be happy that my children are happy, that I have a wonderful loving husband. I don’t want to make him feel like he doesn’t matter, but there is just a hole in my heart.
Anyway just felt compelled to post.
I have also been feeling just awful, and reading these comments has been a HUGE help! As a single mom with three children I now have to find my worth and purpose again. They don’t mean to be unkind but I don’t think the kids have a clue as to how I feel. It hurts so much, just like the divorce all over again. I try to smile and be positive but I just don’t know what to do anymore. Seems like my attempts are never a success and I end up feeling worse. I am desperately hoping for a light at the end of this gray, melancholy tunnel. Thanks so much for letting me vent.
My youngest child just graduated from college, and I am still mourning her loss. We are very close, but the thought that she will never live with us again breaks my heart. I have been treated for clinical depression for 25 years.
My children are happy and well-adjusted college students. The younger one has a special relationship with my wife. Now that she’s moved away my wife is seeing a therapist and is on two antidepressants. My wife knows it will take time but I’m concerned about the effect this “syndrome” is having on my daughter. My wife accuses her of changing and abandoning her family. My daughter is happy, she is meeting new friends, and doing well in school. Any ideas?
My 3 children are successful, well adjusted college grads, living within 5 hours of me. Every day around 3:00 I think about when I used to pick them up at school. Weekends I think about shopping with my daughters or taking them to their friends house. I have a good relationship with all of them and they’re only a phone call away. When they do come and see me its wonderful until they leave, I get so down. I’ve been on anti depressants for years and also have multiple sclerosis. I do keep busy all the time but I can’t get over wanting to do the part of my life where I was truly needed over again. I’ve always said that as long as they are happy then I’ll be happy, but I’m not. I hope it gets better.
I understand how you feel Pam, I worked hard to help my children grow to become responsible adults and they are amazing people. But now their grown and I feel so lonely. I enjoyed every minute of raising my children and I just don’t know how to move on now that they are adults. I’m the same, I think about early mornings with my youngest who sat on my lap every morning for 2 or 3 hours because he needed the cuddle time. I try to act upbeat and happy for them but late at night, the lonliness is almost unbearable. I’m sorry for what you are going through but thank you for posting, it makes me feel like I’m not totally crazy.