60 Comments to
Spotlight on Borderline Personality Disorder

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  1. Thanks John, I read that article too. Researching our book on BPD gave me a better understanding of the genetic and biological risks as well as more sympathy for those who suffer BPD.

  2. Respectfully, I disagree with the opinion that there is no gender difference in prevalence of this disorder. While it is ironic that one of the most difficult cases I have ever attempted to work with was a male, I have to say without any hesitation that females predominate, but not the 3:1 ratio I have read in some literature. Plus, I have come to the opinion it is rare I see a patients who is just with the features of Borderline as listed in the DSM, as I see comorbid narcissistic, histrionic, dependent, avoidant, and in my clinical opinion a sizeable quality of schizoid features, so in the end I label the presentation Personality Disorder Not Otherwise Specified.

    And a diagnosis made after seeing the patient for some period of time. To diagnose a personality disorder on the first visit is just wrong, unless you are privy to reliable collateral information.

    Have to say this is a post I do not see the benefit for the readers, as this is very provoking to readers I sense peruse sites like this. I guess we’ll see how people respond after the holiday is over.

    Happy Labor Day, hope you’re not working!

  3. Borderline is a diagnosis only to conceal the terrible effect sexual abuse has on the soul of a person, as studies name up to 85 percent of the borderline diagnosed persons to have suffered from sexual abuse in childhood. Correctly one would speak about PTSD, but then one would have to put into spotlight the perpetrators instead of being able to claim the genes for the disability. Every woman labeled with Borderline should read carefully the diagnostic manual – mostly PTSD would be more correct. It is a fact that for most experts borderline is a diagnosis, which brings about negative feelings towards the patient.

  4. I used to work with doctors who ran a pain clinic and they would tell me that it was so easy to spot the Borderline patient – she would be the adult clutching the teddy-bear.

    Abandonment issues seem to be first and foremost with Borderlines.

    I find it hard to believe that Patricia, Sooki’s mother would just suddenly change her pattern of relating to her daughter. That’s not been the case in my research. It’s been my experience that parents of people with BPD are simply told to harden up and stop over-reacting.

    BPD also has its advantages, as an author one has easy access to powerful emotions and gives one the ability to spill that blood onto paper.

    • My Godson has been diagnosed BPD. I just read ur post n I realize what he does. When he is with me he is fine but after he leaves most times he will verbally attack me personally for no given reason. I’ve thought what have I fine wrong. Wow I have been going about this ask wrong with him.

  5. I was abused as a child and diagnosed having Borderline Personality disorder along with my bi-polar and disassociative disorder. When the love of my life actually abandoned me and I managed to survive, I no longer suffer from BPD. In fact, I am in recovery for all of my mental problems. It seems my ex made me sick, literally with his sexual addiction and chronic lying and cheating. Once I realized that I could survive without him (yes, I did try killing myself quite a few times) then that whole irrational fear disappeared. I’ve written about this in a book called In and Out of Madness. So the worst thing that could ever happen to a BPD actually healed one!

  6. I see BPD as a manifestation of the natural result of childhood sexual abuse in most cases. Just put yourself in a young girl’s world who is violated, threatened, shamed and all alone in her disgust. Think of how a 5 or 6 year old, who trusts and believes adults as almost omnipotent, will make conclusions to Uncle Joe molesting her and telling her that she will get in trouble if she tells her parents about what they just did together. Just think of the myriad of distortions about self, others and the world that result in an actual distorted self, toxic relationships and a general inability to receive and respond to typical social cues. BPD is a souless chicken with its head cut off! What makes BPD so difficult to treat is that there isn’t a true self waiting to come out underneath all the issues. What we have could be or is very similar to attachment disorder whereas the very neurological framework necessary to adequately bond with others is fractured or missing, many times its not something that can be restored because it is the result of abuse at a critical stage in a child’s neurological development. Success in therapy depends on the ability for the BPD patient to somehow trust the therapist (oxymoron), become intimately aware of her dysfunctional behavioral cycles and care to practice behaving in interpersonally appropriate ways. Success occurs in a long-term therapeutic relationship with a real expert who is strong in both cognitive and relational lines of therapy. I encourage all those who have been diagnosed with BPD to stay in therapy, learn what resilience is and gain control of their emotional and cognitive world to the point where her therapist and significant others can recognize it as significant and sufficient change to cease therapy.

  7. I’m a school psychologist and recently worked with a teenager who was diagnosed with BPD last year, but recently uncovered she was being sexually assaulted by close friends of the parents. The assaults ended one month before she was hospitalized for displaying BPD characteristics.

  8. Does anyone have a copy of the Shari Roan article or know why it seems to have been removed from the LA Times website entirely? Bizarre that it would disappear, except that it’s VERY IMPORTANT (Murphy’s Law)!

  9. As someone who does suffer from BPD, I’d just like to point out that while many of the people who are diagnosed with this disorder did experience some form of abuse in their childhood, many did not. I never experienced any sort of abuse and throughout my life I have met many others who did not experience abuse.
    And to Snowden, I’m guessing you didn’t really have BPD in the first place seeing as it doesn’t just go away… but congrats on not suffering anymore!
    Even with consistent treatment, BPD doesn’t just “go away”. I’ve felt better for months to a year at a time, no symptoms or anything, and fall back. It’s a disease. And it sucks.

  10. hi… I’m a 36 yr old female with Bipolar Disorder and PTSD. Recently, I’ve been having issues with a friend of mine who I really care about. my behavior has caused her to distance herself from me and make me think about what I have done. today she sent me this link so I could read about Borderline Personality Disorder. I was amazed at what I learned about myself. I have not been officially diagnosed with this illness but I do believe that I have it. I am so glad my friend shared this link with me. and I look forward to seeing my psychiatrist and discussing treatment for BPD. and it will probably save my friendship too. It explains why I feel so abandoned all the time.

  11. I suspect that my mother suffers from BPD. She has managed to avoid therapy,but has been sexually, emotionally, and physically abused& displays ALL of the BPD characteristics. Though I empathize with her condition, she refuses therapy & has caused living hell for those around her. I applaud anyone who is BRAVE enough to seek therapy, as this condition affects family as well as the sufferer. She has co-occuring anxiety, depression, and several health ailments. Sad, but I’m seeking therapy to help strengthen my resolve to stay healthy despite her abuse of me and my children. I respectfully disagree with Sooki’s mom – this DOES NOT just “go away.” Drawing firm boundaries while maintaining a relationship is important – not just coddling abusive behavior.

  12. At this very moment I am going through this with my daughter who is 27 years old and who I had to have taken to the hospital on Wednesday because she informed three family members that she was killing herself. I do not agree with Sookie’s mom. I have tried everything in my power to relate and understand what is going on to no avail. I am praying she will listen to the doctor’s this time (it’s happened many times!) and admit she needs help. I have realized that I have enabled her behavior for the past 11 years and can no longer do it. Just talking to her is like being sent to your own execution! This site has been extremely helpful and I will continue to delve into BPD with all I have but as of now I really cannot deal with it.

    • My daughter is twenty three and we had to have her committed to the psychiatric unit of a hospital for thirty days. She was suicidal..and much more. She was diagnosed asBPD but refuses help post release from hospital. She claims she has severe physical pain which no one will take the time to diagnose. She has had some med intervention but nothing found…..is it possible the physical pain is in her head? She has totally disassociated us as her family except for giving her money and blames us for everything. Her memories of her life with us, is not ours. We are at a loss of how to help her.

  13. I found DBT a total waste of time. I had a stable period which lasted for approx. 15 years.. I had a great Rogerian Therapist, Obtained my M.A. in Education, taught at the College for nine years, had a partner for nine years (died of AIDS), also had a dog for 13 years. Life was pretty good. After my therapist retired… I hung on for approx. seven years. During the last three years I have been hospitalized many times. Life is not so good now.. but I am staying with friends and looking for a job. Thanks for listening. Gregory :)

  14. Hi Gregory, I was online late last nite when I read your post. I too have suffered with BPD for many years…onset was in my early teens…I’ve tried every antidepressant and am still trying to find the right combination to fight my anger issues and anxiety…I am really sorry to hear about your partner, and also your dog…I don’t know how old you are, but I am middle-aged, and it seems to get a little better the older I get..so, anyway, don’t give up hope…I just wanted to let you know that I sympathize with what you are going through…and I sincerely hope that life gets better for you…I worked as a waitress a few years back for a little while, and I waited on a woman who was there with her son and grandchild..I guess she could tell I was struggling, so before she left she came up to me and took my hand, and said, “you just keep looking up, honey, just keep looking up!” Never give up! take care, Gregory.

  15. I was married to a man who was diagnosed as BPD in the late 1980s. He was not sexually abused to my knowledge, but he was horribly, horribly abused mentally, emotionally, and verbally by his father for his entire life up until just a couple years ago when his father finally mercifully died. We had a very tempestuous relationship and marriage. Physical violence caused me to force him to get psychiatric help, which led to the diagnosis. After two years without really trying to do anything in treatment, I left him–fourteen years into our relationship. I loved him deeply, but I was tired of being the whipping post. Recently, I’ve gone back to him after thinking that things may have changed since his father died. He seemed to have changed. He’s had no close relationships in the ensuing eighteen years and he still has strong feelings for me. Things were calm for the first two months, but he just erupted out of nowhere with the typical BPD behavior much like the past. It doesn’t go away, although my reaction was not the same as in the past. I did not engage him and much like in the LA Times article, I treated him with kindness, love, and understanding so he would start to relax rather than continue to escalate. I know I am the trigger for him because of how he feels about me and his fear that I will hurt him or leave him. Now that I’ve returned, I’m between a rock and a hard place. I don’t want to cause this turmoil for either of us. I do love him and can try to withstand it as difficult as it is, but don’t know if he’ll work with me to try to temper it. He’s extremely intelligent–a doctor–but typical of most BPD patients in that he’s a victim and I’m always at fault. If I leave him again, it will be devastating to both of us and I don’t want to do that again. Is there any way to get through to him that I am with him for the long haul without setting him off?

  16. I am currently in a lawsuit with a man I suspect of having borderline (and bipolar 1). Whenever I trid to exit our “friendship,” he lashed out at me by emailing my employer. He has accused me of child molestation, stalking him, wanting him to do perverted acts to himself, etc. He took my spotless career from me. I am now going to face him in court (and face my employer). The odd thing; this man still loves me and wants me. I suppose that is not odd considering my diagnosis of him, but what is odd is that I have been able to forgive him and understand him (thanks to my termperment and lots of books on the subject of borderline). He is incredibly bright and talented, and I miss the man I knew for 8 months before even realizing he had borderline. All I have now are his hundreds of websites that “watch” me online and communicate with me through alliases. He has created a life away from others when he leaves his job each day; he uses the interent to talk with strangers and he has many alliases that must garnish him the attention he craves. It keeps him from feeling too alone. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be in his life again (I do love him a great deal), but right now I need to concentrate on winning against him in court so he is forced to remove his libelous accusations from the internet AND he learns that he cannot lash out at me again that way. When I thought he had “just” bipolar, life looked SO MUCH rosier!

  17. To all of the loved ones including my girlfriend/fiance that take care and really love someone with BPD including me, i would like to apologize. after reading this and seeing and hearing this what they go through from us/me, I can’t see how or why she would ever love me still/again. I don’t deserve her or the love she gives me.I don’t deserve to live around any one that would love me. I shouldn’t have any one love me at all. How can I even look in the mirror and tell myself I deserve to live and put her or any loved one through any more crap? I love her dearly!

  18. I have a close friend who has BPD but she wasn’t aware of that diagnosis until she recently received treatment for depression after she broke up with her husband.
    In her case, she suffered from long-term parental abandonment as a child and I am certain that contributed greatly to her developing BPD.

    I have four questions:

    1. How successful are BPD sufferers at recovering as adults from the emotional/mental health damage done to them when they were children? Does success require coming to understand how the childhood mistreatment hurt them.
    2. Is childhood abuse or abandonment always part of the history of those who suffer from BPD?
    3. Does awareness of the diagnosis make it any easier for those with BPD to cope with their emotional instabilities and does such awareness help them relax any of their concerns about abandonment, rejections, etc.? In other words, does awareness of the diagnosis tend to result in any significant decrease in their anxiety?
    4. Does improvement in reducing symptoms of BPD typically require strong support from someone who cares for and is involved in the life of the person who is suffering? Or can the sufferer ever successfully progress in dealing with the problem without such support?

  19. I am in a relationship with my soulmate; however, I feel like I am constantly walking on eggshells. There are so many land mines that I can never avoid them all. I try to remain quiet when he is berating me on what he perceives as inexcusable behavior. I have never been unfaithful, but he is always concerned I will be so. I have been told he is verbally abusive on several occasions. We have tried counseling and I have been told this is an unhealthy relationship for me. His temper in counseling would show the rate in which his temper can grow. There has been physical altercations. I retaliated on one occasion and slapped his face on one to get the evil comments to stop. The other day regarding a topic I said sorry several times and agreed that I wish it had not occurred, he continued to “circle” the topic. The issues discussed include topics from 6 years ago when they help to hurt me more. I am depressed, lost all my friends from agruments with him, and feel worthless and degraded. He often wants me to be topless in situations which would not be the best (at healthclub in hot tub). Yet he is upset if I am “messing around” with a female friend by dancing. I am accused of “shaking my shit for the other men.” There are many other examples of that. Yet, he often has another woman who is very important for a friendship. He was text messaging a “friend” who was getting divorced and was consulting her on the goings on and consoling her on weekends when she was “lonely” missing her kids. It was not in person but the text message went out as soon as I was out the door. However, I am not allowed to have a male friend on facebook (who is happily married) because he is not comfortable with him. He accuses me of wanting the attention of other men. Which is ABSOLUTELY not the case. Yet, I see that he loves the attention of women and it makes him feel special. He tells me often how he loves me, but I feel like it is only physically as he is ALWAYS mad at me. He also says “aren’t you tired of the fighting.” I am!! I have been called a bitch, and to shove it up my a– for the first time in my life by him. I used to have friends but have VERY few now. He is very controlling. I love him dearly but the constant uncertainity is exhausting! He is very bright and seems very even keeled to most, but the controlling of me is a HUGE source of controversity. If I go the bar without him I always meet men (not true), but he goes to the bar because he misses being with his friend. However, they do meet women. He had a casual affair when we were first dating. He was in Vegas and lied about it. I have never done ANYTHING like that. He believes casual touching other people is not harmful to a relationship. I disagree and he especially does not like other men even looking at me. Since we have been dating I know of two other women to have “touched” him. Never to me but I am the one wanting attention of others. It is a confusing rollercoaster which is emotionally draining. I feel defeated and degraded. I have been made to feel I am horrible at being a decent person to him. Does this ring of a Boarderline Personality (definately verbally abusive and has been physical with bruising)? The stress of being with him is getting to be too much for me!!

    • Hi, Cindy,
      Have you read the book “Men who hate women and women who love them”? Maybe your husband is a misogynist…I’ve been married 14 years with one and was a relief when I finally divorced him. When I read this book I understood what was wrong with both of us.
      Good luck.
      Beth,from Brazil.

      • Hello Chris,

        I’m wondering if you are still able to see this reply? I am Ina relationship with someone who seems to have BPD. In writing to you because you said that you would have never married your wife if you had known she had BPD.
        My relationship started of amazing for about 4 months and went on a downward spiral since. The only signs that I could see in her was her inability to take her shirt off during sex. I just thought she really thought she was fat and then it turned out it’s partly because she was sexually abused as a child. Now, I see BPD in her more regularly. She is very difficult to do deal with especially when she is stressed or thinks she is a failure.
        Did your relationship start out as the best thing in your life and turn once you got to know your wife more? Can you share your story with me? I thought this was the girl for me and now I see how she can be when things don’t go her way and I’m wondering if there are any similarities that you can share.
        Thank you,

    • Cindy —– You wrote this comment just a couple days over 4 years ago, so it’s been a long time. I hope you have since left that relationship because after reading what you wrote, it goes beyond a borderline personality disorder.

      This man may very well have a borderline personality disorder but in my mind he is just an abusive, controlling, and toxic man.

      I hope you have since found the strength and courage to have left him. You will have wasted so many good years on a hopeless situation.

      There is only so much that can be blamed on borderline personality disorder’s, and it feels like a excuse to keep him in your life and put up with it.

      Hope you have since found someone who loves you for you, and not for someone who wants to change you.

  20. Cindy,

    Get out of the relationship right away, don’t pursue this any further. He won’t change and your life will only get more worst the longer you stay with him. Being married to someone with BPD, I can say had I known going into this marriage what BDP was and how it doesn’t go away, I would’ve never married my wife. I don’t get that choice now, I married my wife, had a kid with her, and now I need to be a man and do the right thing by staying in this marriage.

    • Hello Scott

      I’m wondering if you are still able to see this reply? I am Ina relationship with someone who seems to have BPD. In writing to you because you said that you would have never married your wife if you had known she had BPD.
      My relationship started of amazing for about 4 months and went on a downward spiral since. The only signs that I could see in her was her inability to take her shirt off during sex. I just thought she really thought she was fat and then it turned out it’s partly because she was sexually abused as a child. Now, I see BPD in her more regularly. She is very difficult to do deal with especially when she is stressed or thinks she is a failure.
      Did your relationship start out as the best thing in your life and turn once you got to know your wife more? Can you share your story with me? I thought this was the girl for me and now I see how she can be when things don’t go her way and I’m wondering if there are any similarities that you can share.
      Thank you,

  21. In regard to Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and sexual abuse, it may be that those diagnosed with BPD are more likely to make false accusations and engage in distortion campaigns as has been described elsewhere:


    This may have an impact on reports of current and prior sexual abuse in these patients.

  22. I have been married to the most handsome,intoxicating,wonderfully addictive nightmare of a mistrustful,faithful yet backstabbing husband for 10 years.I am on a never ending quest to prove to him im not cheating not looking for other men etc etc I have been in the same situations of many people on here accused falsely,slandered to family friends walked away from a great paying job due to embarrasment and chaos he would create for me he topped it off by provking me till i lost my temper and went to jail for pushing him out of the way when i was trying to get out the door tells our child who is 9 that im mean etc has sabotaged every good job,friendship living situation that he could and yet i cant seem to break free of the love and commitment i have for him. he says im the love of his life and soulmate then he tells his family members that i am so cruel to him and have caused all the problems in his life why do i stay people have known me for years cannot believe the losses and emotional turmoil and chaos i have suffered and think i should run but i cant i love this man.hes so wonderful when hes not suspicious and fearful and has been there for me many times when i really needed his help.yet no one else was due to him driving everyone away what to do what to do i feel like a faithful idiot setting myself of for more chaos and drama i must have something wrong with my ability to walk away.i dont know im all tired out and bewildered

  23. hello every1!Im 36 female. @ age 22 I was told i might be bp.Never even gave it a 2nd thought. Such a long story but im sure it would be all to familiar. Anyway, i am at the point where now i know i have to accept this and i need help. I dont even know where to go from here! Ive heard that doctors cant stand people like us!although i cant quite understand why…

  24. My heart goes out to all of these stories with people involved or have BPD. I too was diagnosed last year with BPD and I just turned 42 years old. I studied DBT for several months that followed the diagnosis only to find it “not so helpful”. I mean, I got this way from years of childhood abuse and now I am 42 and need to learn how to rethink my behavior and manage my emotions by “watching a leaf float through the air”. Sorry, I believe we are cursed and it sucks from something we didn’t cause. The only relief I find is looking up and praying. If you are not religious, good luck with your future. Pills did not work for me either. Tried many over the years before being diagnosed. One more thing to make you out there feel better about your situation. I have been in a relationship with a “perfect for me” man for the past nine months only to find out he has BPD. Can you imagine how our household survives? Maybe one day we will cancel each other out! Just kidding- have to make a joke because there is nothing else to do about it! Life is a struggle and will be a struggle and we all just have to deal with it! Concentrate on your blessings each day and only take one day at a time and get through it the best way you know how. My prayers are for you all including me and my situation.

    • I to was diagnosed with several things including bpd.i find people are leaving such negative comments,about the beautifull people who suffer with this.its confusing to us,because as a rule we are misguided,and are in pain.and remember no matter how thin you make a pancake there is two sides,maybe you want out of a situation,and blaming instead of loving ,your companion through it.it’s just a thought.

  25. I have emotionally unstable personality disorder (borderline)
    I resent the fact BPD is enveloping many symptoms. I do not lash out , my paranoia makes me walk for miles rather than a few feet, to avoid situations. Many attatchments are under the same heading and it is wrong. It should be split into symptom categories.
    Upbringing can affect symptoms . I have never undermined anyone . I always turn it in against myself.
    I feel ashamed of me as with being given this diagnosis makes me a manipulative, scheming , hard face bitch and that is the total opposite to what I am.

  26. this is a damning diagnosis, no matter what anyone tells you. once i found out i had been diagnosed with it, in spite of not meeting all the criteria, i completely lost trust in my mental health providers and will never seek help again. you should hear how “professionals” talk about people called borderlines. escapee, you are right on.

  27. Indamine, you’re absolutely right. It is a damning diagnosis. I work in the health care field and I have heard some nasty comments from MH professionals regarding patients with this diagnosis. I believe the diagnosis sets people up for failure. For example, I was listening to a nurse give group report. The other people at the table had never even met this patient but once they heard the diagnosis everyone was groaning. So, now they are taking care of a patient that they already don’t like before they’ve even met her. They in turn don’t respond with compassion when she is in distress, because it must be that she is “acting out” because she’s one of those borderlines. I would never see anyone who feels the need to hand out these diagnoses. Whether people meet the criteria or not, I think the diagnses do more harm than good.

    But, I would say don’t give up on MH professionals. There are some who don’t pathologize the clients that they see. If you can find someone who has had training as a LMFT (licensed marriage and family therapist) that might be a better fit for you. It was for me. She’s not into pathologizing the clients she sees, and I found the experience to be very positive and beneficial.

  28. My BPD/MDD has gotten much worse in the passed 3 years, to the point where I don’t go out of my house much. When I do go out I often feel disconnected and alone, even in a crowd (which I avoid at all costs). Dissociative disorder plagues me, too, when I’m out. I tried a couple shrinks, but the last one was the very last one. He spent more time questioning me on my religious beliefs than taking an interest in my problems. I wanted to kick the MFer’s ass, but I held back. Never again will I return to some shrink’s couch, where they make tons of money and I make like I’m getting better.

  29. I have BPD and am a “classic” case as described by all I have read. I have made a conscious effort to control myself and pay attention to what triggers my “edisodes”. At work I am self confident and highly functioning, but in my personal life I am a mess at times. In the past, I have abused drugs, alcohol, been sexually uninhibited and put myself at a lot of risk. I was numb for all of my life. For the last year, I have made the effort to change. For me, the little strides I have made in changing my behaviors are big successes personally. I am now working on my self image and changing the thoughts that I have. Sometimes, my thoughts are so confused or so many thoughts at once, that I have a hard time. I tell the ones that love me I am having a hard time, but that I am trying, and that has helped in my relationships with family and friends. I look back on my life and can see where certain situations have contributed to the thoughts and insecurities that I have of myself and of life in general. I am ok dealing with issues when it is black and white and everyone and every situation is treated the same. As long as the rules are followed for everyone. I deal with honesty and no games, even if not what I want to hear, better than a person telling me what I want to hear and playing with my mind. My biggest accomplishment, right now, is going from multiple sex partners (whoever…whenever) to having only one man and not being able to fathom the thought of anyone else touching me. I drive the poor man crazy with my emotional ups and downs but he accepts and tried to understand.

    My biggest hurdle was learning to ignore negative remarks made to me, about me. I can replay those remarks over and over if I am not careful. Growing up I would be praised for things but there was always a “but” on the end. “You did this good, but…”. I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, most a result of trying to be numb emotionally. I want to be happy and I know I have to work harder at it than most people.

    For me, I had to forgive my parents on a lot of things that I believe contributed to my low self image and insecurities. In adult life, I have had to forgive many “authoritive” figures, such as policeman and others with power over my life, that did blatantly lie to me to get what they wanted or needed. I admit I still get mad and don’t have an understanding how they could do or say things knowing that they are lying, but for me to heal I have to TRY to let it go.

    I don’t know what my future holds, just like everyone else. I just know that because of BPD I have to watch how I make choices and why I make the choices in order to have a better future than past.

    Making the choice to feel emotions and work through them is scary at times, but at other times I am feeling the good emotions, from beginning to end. Those good emotions make working through the bad emotions a little easier. :)

  30. DBT. DBT. DBT.
    you have to be chemically aided in order to absorb it and you have to work at it. but it’s gold for BPD.
    diagnosed at 29! I’m now 36, married and I’ve 3 kids. not a death sentence by any means. I have a close family member who is paranoid schizophrenic and I keep wishing she just had BPD. its most turbulent before you get into your 30s. back when we thought the family member only had BPD tendencies she was able to learn so much before the schizo became more apparent.
    Again, DBT. cannot stress enough.

  31. I have a 21 year old daughter, who has had eating disorders,depression,and a bipolar diagnosis. I now suspect bpd. She has been through years of treatment, and I am having problems getting her to continue treatment. Suggestions other than threats and bribes would be appreciated

    • she needs professional help..ie mandated commitment for hospitalization and therapy

    • ever thought of trying logic? This is what happened, this is what COULD have happened, this is what I wanted to happen, this is how it would have been better for you. No vague, open ended promises, no you’re a bad person for not doing what I want. just work with the black and white of it all and be HONEST!!!! BPD might be related to biology, but environment and learning opprotunities that were negative had far more to do with it. Even if you don’t want to see how you let your daughter down as a child, don’t keep doing it to her now, not if you honestly want to help her, instead of continuing the abuse that gave her the problem in the first place.

  32. I am married to a bpd monster…we call her dr jeckyl /mr hyde..she attempted suicide recently…and was committed to a mental hospital for 3 weeks….the best 3 weeks my and my girls have had in 5 years… the issue is everyone says she is diagnosed now so learn all about bpd support her. It will get better. I could careless at this point because with all the crap she has put on us..the love is long gone.. My daughter just want to run and i am waiting for them to fly so i can get the hell out too..should I fell guilty because I dont…

    • she’s just struggling. help her

    • sure, you see someone with horrific scars and your only interest is to add to them…get out of her life and quit adding to her pain. Even if she still loves you, you are toxic in every way…she’ll have some chance to heal if you’re not poisoning her some more.

  33. I am sad from a recent breakup and I am feeling many things. I was emotional and verbally abused to some level. Physical was on it’s way with hair pulling. I know this is wrong for so many reasons. My reactions were calm, I feel. I never struck back with only ugly angry words. They were my only defense. Here I am blaming myself, lol. My thinking is a little warped right now. I know this. I looked into BPD in the past. I tend to suffer from situational depression of some sorts. Really never sought out treatment because I couldn’t afford it. I was put on meds by my PCP. I was never diagnosed. I tend to self diagnose, lol. I am not a hypercondriac by any means. I only want to know what is wrong with me, lol. I want an answer to why I am feeling this way. I know about my stuff and issues and I am very self aware. Maybe too much for my own good. I am off all meds and feel okay. Except for now. I know I can’t control anyone’s actions and I know I can only control my reactions. But, there is where my problem lies. I was pushed to have a trust issue. I know I was provoked and I lost some self respect
    and some trust. I am guilty with an explanation. No one got harmed, hurt, arrested or died. I made more of an ass out out my self. No excuse. I know this.This is what my question is. I did have a fear of abandonment with this, and had I not been provoked this would of never happened. but, when provoked I can go to my extreme. I am a pretty passive person, so my extreme is not that wild, lol. but, the fact that it is an issue concerns me. Someone just tell me I am nuts, lol.

  34. I’ve read a lot of posts of different people with this disorder and still feel alone.I don’t know how old I am, Don’t know anyone who I am related to. Had 10 different families before I was 15.(non foster) I’ve been abused in every way u can abuse a little boy. I have never been loved by anyone.I am now about 50 years old and just can’t go on any longer.I really was holding on for help, but there just isn’t any for me.I truley believe I had the worst life anyone could ever of had.Drs. told me I have bpd, bipolar, ptsd, obsessive compulsive dis. None of the lables matter to me.I do not have any happy times in my whole life. I am good or great at almost everything I do, but I couldn’t keep a job much longer than a few months. I am now on disability. bpd should be getting better with age, but It is worse. I can’t funtion properly around other people. It is such a struggle each and every day just to get through another day.I am truley at the end of the line. I have children, that is the only thing that has kept me alive this long,but that is no longer enough. I don’t know if anyone else lives with this much pain. I can’t any more.Maybe I’m week. Thanks for listening to me. If anyone is, that is.
    If anyone reads this and can help me, PLEASE!!!!!!!!! I don’t think I can make it much longer.
    My name is bill. 951-265-1382

    • Hi Bill I know you posted this two years ago and I hope things have gotten better since then.

      I am sorry to hear about all the things you have gone through, especially during your childhood. Children are helpless and they NEED someone to love and protect them.

      As a child you couldn’t do anything to change your circumstances but please don’t give up because now as an adult you have the power to change your life.

      I know you feel you have had the worst life, and yes I agree your life has been more difficult than most people. I can think of only one person I know who’s situation is similar to yours. It was a woman from Nepal I met, she and her daughter, who was two at the time, were sold into a brothel by a neighbour. They were both physically and sexually abused on a daily basis until they were rescued by a man posing as a customer. Since then she has devoted a large part of her life to trying to shut down brothels and rescue other women. Helping other people seems to be healing to a lot of people who were once victims.

      I think you really could help a lot of young boys who may have gone through or are going through something similar to what happened to you. Consider volunteering or maybe opening your home to a foster child.

      You have the unique ability to help people in a way a therapist never can because everything they know is from a book but you’ve actually gone through what they may be going through.

      Wish you all the best

  35. The last week has been very painful. My husband hates me

    • On 12-24 I had a total black out. I hit and kicked and yelled profanity at my husband. He left me that night. I am now without my husband and more depressed than ever. I called my doctor and explained what happened and they increased my Lithium. I also am seeking therepy for this. I made my first intake appointment yesturday. This thing that overtakes me at times is like a very unwanted monster. It comes at the most unwanted times and it comes without any warning. It is very hurtful to the ones that I love the most. I do not know how to make it go away and stop hurting.

  36. i was diagnosed with bpd about 3 years ago.Reading all these comments scares me into thinking how our loved ones put up with us but also how us sufferers are affecting and possible causing our children to be bpd later in life. I scare myself sometimes at how verbally abusive i can be with my children(history repeating its self)My mother was quite verbally abusive with me and my brother turns out she has a mental and physical condition.
    And the episodes of explosive anger which can be physical i hate myself when this happens it starts out as aggitation then boom the first person you see gets it. I hate this shit when i was a teen i was very bad now im 25 and plauged with anxiety i get upset if my friends dont text me and get worried and think i have done wrong to them………its ridiculous….then when it comes to the person you love, i have been with him 5 years and put him threw hell with verbally abusing him trying to make him feel like he is neglagent towards me and taking my agressioIts out on him. In the last while things have changed i dont feel agressive towards him anymore he has turned into my rock and when i am really bad with anxiety or stupid negative thoughts he is the one i hug and get advice from and reassurance.I have realisedmost of my problems like anxiety depression ect in the last while i have spent hours reading and retrainning myself to think differently i want to be normal to feel satisfaction and happyness for once and i cant find this in taking medication or phycotherapy i think selfhelp for me may be the way to go if not i will keep trying untill the end…which will not be anytime soon

  37. One of the scariest people I have ever met was an ex-roommate who has BPD. I heard her twice unleash extreme uncontrollable rage at others for what seemed to be minor disagreements. When she gave me a month’s notice she turned into a monster, verbally abusing me to the point I registered a complaint with the police because I thought I’d need to call them for protection. In 1 l/2 years of sharing an apartment I’d given her a wide berth. We’d never before exchanged an angry word.

    My late mother was schizophrenic. But that was nothing compared to my ex-roommate who is the closest I’ve ever come to insanity.

  38. Well… I just finished reading some of these posts.I have just recently been diagnosed with BPD by my T.There is a part of me that is relieved in finally knowing what has been going on for years. However, there is the other part of me that is scared as hell.The good thing is I have a fantastic therapist. She specializes in BPD, substance abuse, trauma, and PTSDall of which I have been dealing with since childhoodI was sexually abused by my older brother, who alsowas emotionally, psychologically and verbally abusiveall combined with rages. i was TERRIFIED of him and still am… although I live far away from him and have no contact. I am grateful that I FINALLYhave found an expert and incredible T. because she is patient, compassionate and caring on every level. It has taken a year of therapy with her to finally trust the fact that she is not going to abandon me; (I was dumped by another T.) Even though I am afraid of my diagnosis, I think I can now begin the process of healing. I am 51 yrs. old and I feel I am just beginning the journey. Ihave been in and out…(mostly in)therapy for over 20 yrs. and I now know that I have the righttherapist in my life. I have always believed that I am not lucky. I NOW KNOW that I am. For anyone who is having trouble finding the “right” T. DO NOT GIVE UP!!! Ultimately you will.

  39. One of the huge problems with a BPD getting successful therapy is the therapist has to build and maintain rapport while somehow getting the patient to challenge their false beliefs – and to do so generally triggers them and they then stop therapy.

    Separated for 11 months from my diagnosed BPD wife. There was one month in which we tried to reconcile, but after 3 weeks, every part of the dysfunctional relationship was back. It is a living hell. I feel terrible for her, but there is no ‘we’ in the relationship. If I say ‘we’ she hears me saying “ME, ME, ME!!!” God forbid if I actually express a need of my own without expressing her needs and how she believes I have failed her at every step. I am codep, and so the relationship is severely dysfunctional, even though I have made strides. She has as well, but it is never enough, she quickly falls back into established patterns in the relationship and I eventually crack. Then I holler back, fail to validate, etc. I have always been willing to give her everything, but that ends up being too much and I enable. Her demands just increase. Catch-22’s. Double standards. Bizarre illogical arguments. Outright impossible demands. Projecting, claiming I did things I never did – usually what she has done. And on and on. And eventually I go nutty and make everything worse.

    And now I fear that the one time we had sex during our mini-reconcile attempt has resulted in me contracting an STD. The only time I had sex in the last year was the once with her. Already financially and emotionally devastated. Diagnosed with major depression, anxiety, and PTSD. Chronic insomnia. Still in love with her. And now this. A BPD’s life is not the only one that gets devastated. Going to make a doc appointment once I am done with this post…

    BPD is so prevalent – it is a severe public health crisis, affecting the BPD sufferers as well as their typical string of significant others and children, and somehow somebody has to come up with more effective treatment for BPD’s and their family members. I saw that some researchers have used extremely low electronic pulses to the mid brain which resulted in the subjects thinking people were more attractive. The electronic pulses are so small, they are not felt, and are minute compared to EST. Perhaps something like that can be combined with therapy to retrain the BPD’s brain such that those emotional hurts – especially in response to what the rest of us consider minor events – do not trigger such neurological storms. I would volunteer to be a subject to deal with depression and the vivid remembrances.

    Take care, Matt

  40. Matt,
    I feel so badly for you, having once been married to a BPD wife for 20 years, and experiencing the same things.

    I found that the realization that there was never a “we” helped greatly in severing any feelings for my ex, except sympathy for her affliction, and complete distain for what she did to my children and me.

    Concern for her must be replaced by concern for yourself, and a resolve to move on from the unfortunate experience you endured.

    You did your best for her and you must now let God sort out her life in the future.

    Good luck man!


  41. I feel deeply for all the people that I have just read about. I have been in a relationship off and on for 14 yrs. I had one relationship that lsted four years in between our back and forth love affair and he had a short marriage to someone sicker than he. He kept coming back to me and then just when I believed we would make he would reveal that he was back with her. I love him more than I could ever say and when we are together we seem completely in sync. It is really beautiful. Ten days ago after we talked about my relocating out of state to be with him, he said he reunited with her and was totally commited. She her autistic 25 yr old son and he are all on medication now and in therapy together. They have always been like oil and water together. I am numb and stunned as I always am. He has been diagnosed with bipolar, however after reading the blogs I feel that he is BPD.
    I would like the opinion of others suffering either with the disorder or their loved ones if sexual promiscuity is common with BPD and if his declarations of love all these years were completely untrue or if he if capable of honest feeling. I am really hurting and I don’t know if he will ever contact me again but I am doing self help to keep this cycle from starting again if he does. He and I are in our 60’s. He has hardly anyone that allows him in their life any more and I simply don’t discuss it with my friends or family and if I do I minimize what has transpired AGAIN!

    I guess hearing from others helps me to understand and eases my pain.
    Thank you to anyone that responds.
    My best to you all

  42. i do not have BPD. my husband of 23 yrs has recently made a new friend who has it. they started out as cycling buddies and now he is her babysitter. i know that this sounds harsh but that is how i see it.
    it started out with them riding bikes and then going out for a drink afterward. she likes to drink too much and go home with any available guy. asked my husband to help her stop. being a caring guy he agrees. when i find out about this i let him know i dont agree with it but understand. when we start to agree more and more he tells her that it is done and he can not be there anymore as it is affecting our marriage.she then attempts suicide twice and texts him both times to help her.the 1st time he took her to the er they ran blood tests that all came back clear. the 2nd time she tries this is the next day. but she says she realized she didnt want to dye and made herself sick. i dont believe she was serious but just wanting attention from my husband as the guy she wants wants nothing to do with her. my husband runs her to the er both times. the 2nd time he has her commited for 72 hr hold. she stays a week and he was there everyday. she even put him as her emergancy contact. her ex husband (whom she lives with) absoutly refused to have anything to do with her. said he was not going to be drawn into her drama any more.after she is released my husband is at her home everyday tring to help her. she has ruined thanksgiving and coming close to ruining Christmas for my family. it seems every time my husband tells her she has to do stuff on her own and that he cant be there all the time she does something. like cutting her thumb on purpose. she told him so. because she was not feeling anything.
    when ever i try to get my husband to come home and spend time with me or the family i am the one that is being manipulitive. but she is the one who seems to decide if i see him or not. because if she needs or feels she needs him he will be there.
    i wish she would just put on her big girl panties and deal on her own and leave my husband the hell alone. i have tried to be as understanding as i can but i am at my wits end and the end of my rope.

    • Hi Ontheouside —- I know it seems as if the issue is with this woman and that she may be causing this rift between you and your husband. But as someone on the outside looking in and completely impartial to your situation it is actually your husband doing all of this.

      It’s hard to blame outsider because it would literally too painful to think someone you love could be hurting you.

      I’ve stood in your shoes. I know it’s becoming a source of great pain to you. But I suggest you sit down with your husband now before it’s too late and tell him how you feel. Tell him your uncomfortably with what’s going on. Let him know it’s hurting you and it’s affecting your families life.

      Don’t act like a jealous wife either and don’t allow him to make excuses or to accuse you of being jealous wife or anything else. He knows he doesn’t belong there just as much as you know it. He just isn’t complaining about it because he’s enjoying his time with her.

      If you want your marriage back don’t threaten him, do give him ultimatims, just give him the truth. He shouldn’t be having any intimate time with her. He should be at home with his wife and family, not running around doing things for a needy woman.

      If he values his family he will put a stop to it immediately no questions asked. He needs to stop taking her phone calls, block her number from his phone, block her from texting him, or emailing him, or any kind of contact with her. If that doesn’t stop the problem, next time she calls your husband or text’s him that she needs him, tell him you’ll go with him and then go with him.

      I bet she won’t need him as much if you start going with him to help her out. What’s the saying keeping your friends close but your enemies closer.

      There is no such thing as a married man being friends with a single female. You will find out really quick what they are up to when you start joining them during her “needy times.” Good luck!

  43. I am so tired of hearing about this disorder and what monsters its sufferers are. My husband diagnosed me from the Internet and then started telling me how much he has suffered and is now leaving me at 66 years old. There is nothing, nothing, about how much people with this condition suffer themselves, only the partners. DBT is highly questionable, and you are told the therapists hate you. All this because you were attacked when you were too young to know what was happening. Must have been my fault. Has anyone else noticed life isn’t fair?!

  44. My husband of 30 years suddenly really seemed to snap in 2011… He has failed at least 2 businesses.. I have been successful… He started emailing me when my position at work was promoted and I was made a director of the company in 2010.. I had been working in this workplace since 1998 .. In 2005 my husband and I did a lot of work trying to establish a medical centre .. Which is the area I have always worked my husband is a farmer… This business did not eventuate for a number of reasons .. My husband now says that I deceived him and has the expectation that he should be director and not my business partner whose the major unit holder… He says now that I am in an emotional affair … Prior to this he made me go for a test to prove I did not have narcissistic personality disorder.. He has been obsessed wit the fact that I have deceived him that I am in an emotional affair with my business partner and others at work.. He has been to counseling and has dropped every counsellor that does not agree with him… I had to leave the home in 2012 … He. Us now threatening divorce if I do not change and leave work and have nothing to do with the people I work with …. How can I help my husband

  45. I would like to know what the process would be if one of my “personalities” took his own life. I see a counselor but am hesitant to express this.

  46. Very insightful information and comments. I believe I suffer from BDP..All the criteria. I’ve lost my wife & children. I’m taking note and will put forth a effort to seek help once again. And hopefully be more mindful of triggers. Wish I would have searched for answers sooner. Ty all.



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