30 Comments to
Facebook Reinforces Relationship Jealousy

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  1. In other news, people need to grow up.

  2. that makes a perfect sense, facebook is a website that allows humans to interact and see each other, its like a cocktail party, since jealousy can happen in the real world it will surely happen on FB too

  3. Great article, John, and an interesting study. I think Face Book is not unlike a new boyfriend or girlfriend itself. Everyone is excited, “Oh, how many friends do I have!” Suddenly one has more friends than one can keep up with and no one cares if your mate has 100 friends or 200 friends because we are all so busy.

    Jealousy and envy are dark emotions. Ann & Barry Ulanov wrote Cinderella & Her Sisters: The Envied and The Envying over 20 years ago. It’s a fascinating book, scholarly and practical because it addresses both being the envier and being the subject of envy.

    Bottom line is I agree with the findings re FB and the jealously trait. People have a jealous nature or they don’t. I also think if one is raised by a jealous parent I would encourage that person to become conscious of that observation sooner rather than later so that your own world won’t be filtered through that same dark lense.

    Mary Jane Hurley Brant, M.S., CGP
    Author of When Every Day Matters
    Simple Abundance Press, Oct. 1, 2008

  4. I personally know of 3 people who have left their relationships for someone who’s been added as a “friend” on Facebook. While the site can be great for interacting with real friends and getting back in touch with old ones it certainly is capable of causing a lot of heartache too.

    • A friend of mines wife left him and his daughter because of a man she met on Facebook and a year later she came running back. So people think twice before you RUIN your life! Incidently he did not take her back!

  5. I am one of the people who are insecure and jealous. My ex who is not good for me is seeing someone now and I check her facebook each day. She documents when they have sex or fight. I just hate myself for doing it.

  6. Of course it is important to study the impact of new forms of human interaction on our relationships but it is equally true that our problems arise because of inherent issues within ourselves and not because of the medium used. Because information flow on facebook is quicker and faster, realities that would take time to unfold end up opening up too quickly. The problems are always within us and between us not in the medium. What would be interesting to study is how it is impacting general friendships and also the immense advantages and benefits it is bringing to our social and professional relationships.

  7. I briefly introduced my girlfriend to a friend of mine, later that night she added him to her facebook, and she texted me about it after. Is it ok for me to ask why, should she have asked me before just out of respect?

  8. Yes, I think so.

  9. Thanks for responding Katrin, if anyone else some some good insight on my issue please do comment. After I sked, she got really upset about it and said that I was jealous.

  10. Both me (male) & my partner (female)have had a facebook account for sometime now,me around 1year,her around 3yrs,we have been in our relationship for around 5yrs now,and facebook has added to whatever problems we already had due to past relationships,me being very insecure due to my last 2 relationships ending with unfaithful partners,and hers being in a violent & controling relationship,my girlfriend is also 16yrs younger than myself,stuningly beautiful and nothing more than a man magnet ! under normal circumstanses i have no real problem with any of that obviously,but over the past few years facebook has now also started to cause us both problems due to either lack of trust or quantity of men ! (on hers of course) i must addmit it all started with stupid comments from men flirting with her giving it the hello babe n that kind of thing,no big deal really even if it did piss me off slightly ! but the main problems facebook is causing is the fact that sinse we had a bit of a fall out one day,she deleted me as a friend,changed her profile to being single,blocked me,and refuses point blank to change any of it back to the way it should be,she has never ever mentioned a single word of the fact that she even has a boyfriend and has so for 5yrs,never showed a photo or anything at all to do with me or our relationship ! even after repeatidly asking her for over 2yrs now to do so,yet my account was the opposite,i was in a relationship,had more phot’s of her on there than i can remember and had no problem mentioning her or talking about her at all,she addmits to being in contact with some guys she met on holiday before we met,and emailing the one she was close with even though she knows im not too happy with it,i also know she has ex boyfriends on there,and also a friend of her brothers who thought he would have a go at trying to get her into bed a while back through phoning and texting her while i was at work ! obviously until i was home early 1 night and found out ! to try and make her see some sense i also gave her my password to look into my facebook account,but even that turned against me,she looked in my messages and found 1 message from me to a work friend saying “she is stunning,how can she be single” it was no more than a comment about her mate that ended in me being kicked out ! even recently i have sat and tried talking to her and explaining how all this makes me even more insecure and is just wrong but still she refuses to change anything at all or even really make any sort of compramise ! is it just me or would anyone agree that it sounds like i have something to worry about here apart from her selfish attitude ! ?? id love to hear other peoples points on any of this ??

    • Colin I have had problems with my girlfriend on Facebook also! I wish they would just ban the site as it causes more problems than not! If I was you I would just start working out and make yourself more attractive. She will soon realize these guys are after only one thing. I asked my girlfriend when is the last time these guys “SO CALLED FRIENDS ” bought her flowers-helped her buy a house- fed her cats or all the other things I do. I am starting to realize maybe I am not what she wants! All her Facebook friends think I am a jealous fool but if it happened to them I am sure it would be a different story! Good Luck

    • Mate, sorry to say this but she is probably sleeping around a LOT, you will have to trust me on this because I can’t be bothered to write a long post explaining it but its painfully obvious whats going on. You know it, now face it.

  11. Colin!!! oh friend! I had a similar relationship.. this boy was extremely flirting, all the time. the truth is of COURSE HE WAS CHEATING!!!! of course he was. if SHE never says that she is in a relationship with you, she doesn’t really care about your relationship! COME ON!!! OPEN your eyes!!!!

    I have duffered to leave my boyfriend… but he admitted he is a sex addict.. and a womanizer and he wont change…

    this people never change…

  12. I had a boyfriend 10 years ago… he is 10 year older than me. Now he found me on myspace… similar to facebook. He is married; he has 2 kids and a stepdaughter. He bits his wife, she beats him to. He found me on internet. i lived a hell last year. He said he loves me. He wanted to have an affair with me. HE said all those lies married men say, that he was planning to leave her, and divorced her. We communicate through internet, as we live in different cities. He was my first love, I was 16 and he 25. 8 years ago he asked me to marry him, He even talk with my parents. My dad send me to another town.. not by force.. but for me to study and to think better about the situation. I called him one day.. and he says she was goind to get married. It broke my heart. I just think about die.. 8 years later, thank to INTERNET, myspace, hotmail..etc! THIS sick dude reached me. ANd wrote me the most beautiful email.. and how regret he was of leaving me. he is a self confess sex/addict, very sadistic.. he tried to straggle his wife. I used to think I love him… we continued talking for a year on internet. then i realized the problem wasnt his wife.. but HIM! and i realized he is involved with a lot of women on internet and in real life. the most side part it’s he was the first men in my life. we were christians at the time. he is a self proclaimed CHRISTIAN MUSICIAN!!!! i hate myself… I’m scared about myspace, or facebook.. i afraid this awful men will reach me again… Internet can be a very harmful thing… I had ad all that reactions of checking his page, etc. its like an addiction. I have been “sober” about a year now :) I don’t look for him anymore.. I cut any link between us! and I feel great! I’m still a little afraid of internet places like myspace or face book.. but that experience teaches me to be more careful.. next time

  13. Currently, researching Social Networking linked to Domestic Violence.

    Just read this disturbing account, in the UK, of 23 year old Sean Beaver beating his partner (who had been on Facebook) with a baseball bat.


  14. “No truth can go unknown.” Facebook is a new obstacle to the procurement of a monogamous relationship. Though the medium may be new, the fear of losing a loved one is not.

  15. The more time college students spend on Facebook, the more likely they are to feel jealous toward their romantic partners, leading to more time on Facebook searching for additional information that will further fuel their jealousy, in an escalating cycle that may become addictive, according to a study reported in CyberPsychology & Behavior. The Rapid Communication, entitled “More Information than You Ever Wanted: Does Facebook Bring Out the Green-Eyed Monster of Jealousy?” describes a vicious cycle in which Facebook usage and feelings of jealousy become intertwined and have a negative influence on behavior and relationships. Some participants in the study described their increasing use of Facebook as “addictive.” The authors recommend further research to explore this feedback loop and to determine whether a similar relationship between online social networking and jealousy toward a partner affects older adults as well.

  16. Everyone that I have ever known is subject to being jealous or envious at times. It’s partly what you do with the feeling that makes you mature – and someone who is ready for a good ongoing relationship- ort someone engaging in ongoin dramas. Some women seem to believe that making their partners jealous proves that their boyfriend, lover, husband – loves them MORE, and I wouldn’t be surprised if some use Facebook to induce jealousy. Facebook is easy – the relationships are not based on any real life exchanges, it’s fantasy, no one gets held accountable. Seems pretty toxic used this way.
    I would = # 1 – walk away from Facebook if it increases your bad feelings. Go do something else. If not, tell your partner, friend, whoever, that you are hurt by certain actions, do not want to treat your relationship as a game, and want to work out an agreement on how you will both use Facebook so that you respect one another. Or continue with the on-line drama and be miserable because of your emotions. We can’t avoid hurt in reltaionships, but when we know something sets off our fears, we can figure out how to avoid some of it.

    • CG, I totally agree.

    • I was jealous at first but only because my girlfriend of 20 years was sending messages to some old guy friend calling him sweetheart and I think it was more due to her not giving me any time about anything. I am not really crazy about Facebook but I don’t keep her off of it. While her friends and her spend their lives on Facebook I work out to look better!

  17. My “committed” boyfriend of 4 years dumped me after he surreptitiously found his college sweetheart on fb.

    I don’t blame fb for his thin moral character.

    In the end, it was all for the best. He was a liar and cheater from the start. Fb only gave him an easy venue for his cheating ways.

    I owe fb a debt of gratitude for hastening my freedom to find a man who truly has integrity.

    • YOU ARE BETTER OFF!!!!!!!!!

  18. Facebook opens up the cyberspace to flirting and knowing new ‘targets’ that might cause jealously between partners.

    I think in this age and day, trust in each other is so important to overcome all these

  19. CG = Well put.
    1. You know if you’re poking around your beloved’s facebook page out of jealousy. If you are doing that, you are PATHETIC. If you are into monogamy, you better have a trusting relationship.

    2. Anyone I know of to be a cheater, hardly uses facebook.

    3. Colin, sorry but your girl’s a c*nt. Life starts the day you leave her.

  20. I find that fb allows people to disrespect their partner and the relationship. Today you’re considered up tight and jealous simply because you demand respect? I’m sorry but it is not ok if your partner has any relationship, photos, comments etc on fb that are inappropriate or offensive. Just because it’s a website doesn’t mean it’s ok.

    • I completely agree with you, I’ve had issues due to what you commented…

    • I agree 100 percent!

  21. I only look at my girlfriend’s FB page when there’s something cool (photos, videos) she posts that I’d like to see.

    She watches my FB page all the time. Like a hawk.

    The jealousy started when she saw STRICTLY PLATONIC female friends of mine posting now and then. It creeped me out, because I have never had any interest/time/desire to cheat on my girlfriend, and I’ve told her so. Through talking to her about this, it became clear to me that she would be very uncomfortable if I ever “hung out” with any female friends on a platonic level (bite to eat, catch up, etc.), even in groups of friends.

    I began not telling her about random times I’d “bump into” female friends or an “ex”, or what people were in groups that I was with. Again, I’ve had NO intent on cheating. Through photos posted online it was revealed to her that a female co-worker of mine was at the same bar as I was on the same night (I hadn’t told her, because I didn’t want to deal with the unwarranted jealousy) and the game was ON. Full fledged jealousy exploded.

    Now she watches my FB profile like a hawk, and actually complains whenever I’m on the laptop AT ALL (If it’s not a guitar, it’s a laptop that I’m using – I’m in the creative field, and use the computer for writing, composing, publicizing, design, etc.)

    Sure, maybe I’m a driven person work-wise, but in my field you have to bust your butt to even get a drop of success. Her personality has been stifling and suffocating to both my work and the relationship itself.

    Our relationship is now coming to an end, but not because of Facebook. I think the controlling / jealous / insecure personality needs to be in place first – Facebook and it’s ilk simply enable and accellerate the process by providing an unanticipated window into the one’s very existence, or least one’s posted existence.

    When a girl is operating in the “I love you, now change” mode, FB permits her to see every day that perhaps you are NOT changing, and you perhaps won’t.

    I’ve held on to try to make the relationship work, and it’s failed. It’s a bummer.


  22. Real feelings in a virtual world. Facebook definitely has everything to make a jealous person even more jealous.

  23. Is it wrong to want to ask my husband to quit using facebook in order to avoid all of this crap.
    I find it very bothersome when women I have never met friend him. I wonder…have they met, or have they hung out? I would like to think that he would stop using it for me, but I actually believe this would cause a HUGE fight.
    What is right?

    • I agree with you! Maybe you and I should hang out while your husband and my girlfriend are on Facebook!

  24. i think that if your worried about your gf/bf disrespecting you whether its facebook or in real life your not jealous.. if you got friends introduce them to your spouse.. if you have ex’s on ya page that still talking about yester year delete em.. facebook has turned people even more narcissistic. adults should know how to act regardless of the medium.. if ya love one is checking ya page who cares if you have nothing to hide..if you bump into a co-worker while out a bar let be known and if its still a problem thats out of your control. i don’t care who the person or website is you have to manage your morals and behavior. because someone of accuse you of being something it doesn’t mean you have to live down to the label!


    My boyfriend (going out almost 2 yrs)wants me to add him on facebook. I would have no problem with that.. but… he is EXTREMELY controlling and jealous! I have gotten close to ending it with him more times than i can count because he so easily gets into a violent rage! it could take anything as small as walking through a mall and a guy checking me out. it’s frightening!

    I have always been true to him, I have never done anything to put a wedge between us concerning trust or loyalty. i swear on it!

    I am worried about him seeing any pictures that for what ever reason he could lose it! it could be a comment someone has left or it could be i had some cleavage (im only a bcup cant be much!)but whatever it is i have a feeling he will put our relationship on the line to try and capture that last bit of control.

    What do i do??
    I would rather not be dating someone who is so consumed with jealousy, immaturity, and insecurity. But i love him and i dont want to break up with him. I feel like if he gets mad at me for anything on there i will be forced to end it for good. Because any normal adult who sees it would see nothing wrong with any of it. I DONT WANT TO BREAK UP BECAUSE OF FACEBOOK. its just so stupid!

    what should i do?

  26. A lot of social media’s are now emerging in the world of web. Most common and popular is facebook which you can meet new friends or keep in touch with your friends. Jealousy happens to a partner maybe because accepting friend request from a stranger which he/she thinks twice better than him/her. There is no way to feel like that as long as the relationship sticks together and trust,honestly, and love are still in the atmosphere.Thanks for the great article!!

  27. Ok I need advise so my boyfriend of 4 yrs got fb and added me as a friend
    I started seeing girlz that request him he said it was old friends so I said ok later on I find out they would send inbox messages and I seen that they were flirt with each other so I asked and he said is nothing but everytime I went by him he would be jumpy and I read in his inbox he told her I will dream of you only!! I told him it was over but he said he loves me and only me so I told him to block her and he did but now I dnt
    trust him and he dnt want me to get his password I feel like he is doin something

  28. I just had a fight with my girlfriend over Facebook.
    let me state that i dont have my girlfriend on my Facebook because every time we have a sniff of a arguement she goes and deletes me so to fix this little problem i refuse to accept her friendship.

    no girlfriend = no deletions.

    the fight which started over one of my friends female friends adding me on facebook when i met her at a club while working security. this particular girl was there for a birthday party and was accompanied by my brother and about 8-9 friends that i know personally. there was a group photo that was uploaded the following day which included myself and the rest of the party.
    I have not spoken to this girl since the party, even when we did speak, it was “hello Im (name) *shake hands* whats your name, are you having fun tonight?”

    the particular club i was working at was at full capacity being 1000 patrons so there is not alot of time to sit down and chat while managing a crowd that big.

    the following week i get abusive text messages whilst at work claiming that im a “cheating dog” and so on and so forth.

    apparently she cannot trust me anymore, i made her feel like a worthless piece of s**t etc.

    She claims she was hurt because i add “dirty f*****g sl**s” (she added me and i merely accepted) and not her even though i have given her my reason for refusing to accept her request to be friends.

    i dont think im in the wrong and she is overreacting slightly.

  29. If you love your spouse/partner enough and you really want to make it work, then it shouldn’t be a problem for you to delete people from your facebook or delete your account completely.

    After deleting my account, I asked my husband to delete his and he did so. I am not sure if he actually wanted to do it but he did it anyway because he saw how much it was bothering me.

    That was 2 years ago and guess what?! We still keep in touch with all of our friends and family and we don’t have the added unwanted emotions that facebook was triggering.



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