Kiss the ring! Kiss the ring! Give allegiance to the power and position of its owner. The Godfather will treat you with respect and give you favors… but at a price… yet an offer you cannot refuse. …
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The dynamics that I shared in the article are not limited to Hispanics. The tendencies can be seen in other cultures such as Italian, African American, and Asian. I recently heard from an Irish-American that they felt they had a mother like the one described in the article. The mass media increasingly presents men as bumbling idiots that are seen by their women as children (i.e., Everybody Loves Raymond). The Caucasian culture is starting to show similar signs.
Samuel Lopez De Victoria, Ph.D.
http://www.DrSam.tv
Hi Dr. Sam:
I must say that your article was rather thought provoking…you got me thinking. But you also said something that I’m not all too sure I agree with. In speaking of the Virgin Mary, you state that perhaps she was seen as “more important than her son Jesus.” I would like to know where exactly this is in the Bible. What would make you think that? There are no references in the Bible (particularly St. Matthew, Luke, Mark, or John) the New Testament that would indicate such a thing, at least to me it doesn’t. The Bible does, however, make reference to no man, including Mary (although she is to be greatly respected because of God’s choice to choose her to birth His son) being greater than God, greater than Jesus. Mary was a tool used to accomplish a greater plan. I’m not sure she was seen as greater than her son.
While I understand this comment was not the gist of the article, I wanted to bring that to the surface.
Additionally, I can understand where you are coming from in speaking of the mother as being the dominant figure in a multiplicity of areas in life. In fact, Eve (Genesis 1:1) is the mother of all creation. It is interesting how much respect and credence we give to the mother. If you’re looking at it from a biblical perspective, perhaps that is because God gave Eve much responsibility as the mother of all creation (read Genesis). If you’re looking at it from a more unbiblical perspective, it becomes a bit more complicated. Why do we give such dominance to the mother? Where has our thinking about the mother figure or as you put it, the matriarchal system, come from exactly?
Something to think about.
As being one from Native American, African American, etc. heritages I have been able to see just how significant that “matriarchal system” is to certain cultures. Cultures that remind me of the Hispanic family system include the Native American and African American families. While Native American children are very close to their grandfathers, they are also very, very close to their grandmothers. African American children treat their grandmothers like their own mother and many children live with their grandmothers. The men in these family systems do indeed become “background people.” Native American men are a bit more engaged; however, the absence is found in Hispanic and African American households most times. It does cause a host of emotional and psychological needs, including financial.
As a result, the mother does have to become the “breadwinner,” the comforter, the “school-bus driver,” the counselor, the guider, the one that loves unconditionally, the one that can be tough when necessary, etc. It places much strain on the female and causes resentment, not only among the mother but also among the children who must watch mom transform constantly into male and female figures. It’s a very sad situation and often quite perpetual within these cultures.
I truly think we should think more about how these matriarchal systems can negatively influence the psychological and emotional stability of women in certain cultures.
Lastly, I’m not all too sure I want our society to become 100% accepting of a matriarch system. Women need to remain ladylike, sensitive, and comforting figures for their family. If the female is trying to take up the role of the male, where do the typical values of a male and female team fit in? How could they if dad is staying home with the children while mom works? Or while dad bathes the children and cooks dinner while mom balances the checkbook and works on the car. While these are some things mothers must do when without a male figure to help, it’s still something that doesn’t appear to be quite right.
Dr.T (sorry for the long post!)
Really interesting and great article, Dr. Sam.
I like that you don’t bother to come across as the usual ‘wishy-washy’ and politically correct ‘expert’ that we usually see and get, but rather express a clear and intelligent and ‘knowing’ opinion. And my being an intelligent and wise and real woman myself, I do not feel the least bit threatened by your statements, and that many others may interpret as prejudiced, and judgmental, as well as opinionated. I find the way you speak the opposite, in fact, and rather refreshing. You sort of trust the reader that he/she can figure stuff out for him/herself about what you are saying?
I could go on forever but i won’t. I think, Dr. T, the point Dr. Sam is making about the importance of the mother, is largely true for the Catholic Church, but not so much for Protestants, and who care little about the Virgin Mary. But Dr. Sam is right.
From what I have observed, it’s not like the woman in Dr. Sam’s book openly claims to be the boss. Her power is of another kind that is quite manipulative. In public, this woman makes the man look powerful, and so he can have his piece of feeling powerful. She is also usually smarter than the man, and she rules by acting. She is in charge but makes ‘him’ believe he is important even if he is not. (i have a hard time expressing what I am trying to say, so I will stop) but just like she does with the young boys, and when she makes them feel like a big man but is clearly in charge as they depend and rely on her feeding their narcissistic, manly needs? She gives the man his self esteem. maybe that is also why she lures him with her beauty and then, as soon as they are married, she becomes sort of fat and sloppy? (not edited)
Please correct me if I am wrong, Dr. sam. i am more asking than stating what I know to be the truth.
Dr. Sam, what you are talking about also reminds me much of a book/movie I really like and which is called something like: ‘Like water for chocolate’. I am sure you know which one I mean. it’s about this mother and who has three daughters, and the second born daughter is greatly in love with a young man, but forbidden to marry him, as her role in the family is to remain single and care for the mother until she dies. in this book the boy who is also in love with the second daughter, he marries as he must then, the first born daughter and whom he does not love, and he also moves in with the rest of the family to be close to his true love.
Hi Katrin,
Thanks for your post. I agree about the Catholic church. I thought about that once I posted the comment! I did indeed forget about the Catholic belief system which does make the Virgin Mary a bit more significant than Jesus. I believe they also engage in praying to Mary.
I too like the way Dr. Sam speaks on certain topics. He does give a clear and concise message. That type of writing is certainly lacking today.
Dr.T
Katrin,
Thanks for clarifying. You are correct. I am simply sharing that the Catholic faith believes that Mary is the intermediary to Christ. When I was a child taking catechism, I was told by the priests and nuns that if I prayed to Mary she would take those petitions to her Son and he would listen to her. In the Catholic faith Mary may be worshiped. In the Protestant faith, as you said, she is just the venerable mother of Jesus, the man (his humanity).
It is my personal view that a Godmother comes into existence when the important men of her life abandon her emotionally. These typically can be her father and husband. When a woman is left to fight her own dragons with no help from her father/husband, she then has to turn into a barbaric creature even if she does not want to. She has to disconnect from her feminine side and has to grow male anatomical parts (figurative speech). This makes her a hard and angry person who has to disconnect from her nurturing and beauty side in order to survive. Notice how many of the women (not all) in Feminism are angry and hard. I know that there are a wide variety of Feminists from radical to soft feminists. I celebrate being against the abuse of women. The problem is that some of these women turn ugly, stay angry, and become manipulative and controlling… sometimes abusive themselves.
I think the USA is becoming a Matriarchal society. I am an Independent, politically. If you notice the Democratic Party emphasizes nurturing, caring, and sharing. The Republican Party emphasizes self-initiative and responsibility or tough love. The Democratic Party has feminine values and the Republican Party has masculine values. Just my observation. You need both aspects. I would be in favor for a Party that has both aspects!
Samuel Lopez De Victoria, Ph.D.
http://www.DrSam.tv
Dr. T.,
I agree with your thoughts. You have good insight. I think that is so cool that you are also American Indian. I welcome you enlightening me on your culture. I did not know some of those aspects about the role of grandparents. Thank you.
I think you should write about this topic also, Dr. T.
Let me tell you that it is not typically politically correct to address this unless you address your own minority and then critics are then with their backs to the wall since they cannot criticize a minority on their views of a minority. I think you get what I am saying. I think that if I was a Non-Hispanic White, I would be treated much differently. I think ideas should be judged for their own merits and not for the color of the skin of the one sharing those ideas. Sad, but it happens even in academia, which claims to be “impartial” and “objective.”
Keep exploring this subject. You are on to something!
Samuel Lopez De Victoria, Ph.D.
http://www.DrSam.tv
Hi Dr. Sam,
Thanks for your post. As a student of clinical and counseling psychology many of my past assignments have reflected a cultural perspective including the Native American and African American as well as the German family system. From my personal experience cultural norms can certainly play a significant role in the matriarchal family system. While I’m not all too sure about the statistical figures of cultural family systems and the matriarch, I’m pretty sure certain ethnic groups are far more reflective of the female figure being the dominant character than other cultures.
Just as there are cultural factors, I’m sure there are socioeconomic aspects. For example, lower income families are probably less likely to have male figures due to SES (socioeconomic status), substance abuse, social pressures such as loss of employment, and the like, making the female the matriarch. Age is another factor. Take a teenage couple for example. The younger the female with children the more likely the male is to be absent, leaving the adolescent girl as the matriarch.
There are probably many other factors that play a role in this matriarchal system you mention. I think it’s something to think about and especially in our culturally oriented graduate classes today. I’d like to help integrate this topic with other important discussions regarding culture. It’s important
Very best
Dr. T, I grew up in Northern Germany, Hamburg. northern German is almost all Protestant, and southern Germany almost all Catholic, and that includes most of Austria.
(As Austria and Southern Germany used to be one under the ‘Hapsburg Empire’)
Southern Germany and the North are very, very different and I think this has much to do with the Catholic/Protestant difference, and more than otherwise anything else.
Like, the north is very intellectual, and political and even a Protestant preacher suffers and quarrels daily with his faith. He puts a lot of effort into his sermons as they require ‘intellectual capacities’.
On the other hand, a Catholic Preacher puts little effort into his words, and nothing he says must make any sense at all since his ‘people’ all believe like children and never ask any questions.
Also, just a few words about me personally. I moved to the US when I was 17 and the rest of my family is still all over Europe except for my father, and he is long dead. I have two boys and I am a single mother and I never married. But I have very good relationships with my kid’s fathers, (one is also dead now). My younger son’s father is totally involved with both my kids. I never pressed and pushed him about anything and we never made any legal arrangements and just worked it out and we are friends. (If we had married we would be divorced and that is why I never married) I cannot stand anyone telling me what to do and I also don’t tell anyone else what to do. We have different roles in the lives of the kids and they are mostly based on our strengths and weaknesses, and who is most interested and good at one thing and another.
But I must say, it’s hard for me to be a single mother with boys, and I constantly must protect and defend myself against them, and which I think is something more biological, the difference. When a man tells them to do something, they do it and they behave. With me they don’t, although they are not beasts either (LOL) and they confide in me much more than in dad, and trust me more.
So, I am not a matriarch and dad is not a patriarch, and I have never been a feminist either.
Dr. T.,
I like the way you think. Maybe this can be the subject of your doctoral dissertation?
Thanks for your great thoughts!
Samuel Lopez De Victoria, Ph.D.
http://www.DrSam.tv
PS: and I also have no political or religious preferences. (I , like all Europeans would not in a million years have voted for a jerk like Bush and I voted for Obama because he was not only the only choice, (since the other I didn’t consider a choice) and Obama I thought was a great man.)
Thanks Dr. Sam, that’s nice of you! I might just consider that.
Katrin, thanks for sharing your story. You know, my mother raised two boys and most of the time she did have to protect herself against them.
They were rebellious, challenging, and self-sufficient boys. She always relied on me, the middle child, the only girl, to “protect” her at times. I guess you could say I became part of the matriarchal system too!
One of the things I love about sons, however, is that once they see that mom has become the matriarch, they sometimes step in like real men. They become the strong-force within the family. It’s a great experience for some, while a terrible one for others. But I think these types of boys grow to become stronger men because they know what its like to be a “man” of the household and to protect the women or their mother, the constant dominant force.
As a result, some of these boys grow to be grateful for the dominant women in their lives and they develop into even stronger men because of the strong women they’ve learned from.
Take care everyone
Dr.T
Dr. Sam,
All I have to say is WOW. When I read the article presented above, I was fascinated at how well it described the relationship with my mother and family in general. I am male and of Italian decent but the above template of the Godmother fits perfectly into my experience.
Thank you!
Rick
Rick,
Thank you for your corroboration that the same dynamics of “the Godmother” exist in the Italian culture. As I said in my comment at the beginning of these comments, the matriarchal model is becoming stronger and more controlling in other cultures at the expense of males. A reverse of what Feminism claimed is happening. The pendulum is swinging back culturally.
Pass the article along if you don’t mind. Have a wonderful life, Rick!
Samuel Lopez De Victoria, Ph.D.
http://www.DrSam.tv
Dr. Sam. There you go meddling again… Nice work.
This article is extremely misogynistic and very anti-female. It is filled with cultural bias and false assumptions from a man who has internalized patriarchal values and norms and is thus seeking to pathologize a very natural and healthy Matriarchal kinship system among latino families.
To use the term Godmother as if Latina mothers and grandmothers operate like the patriarchal mafia godfathers in italian culture is perpetuating a disgusting negative stereotype. This man is not qualified to be a therapist to anyone!
Mother Goddess,
I’m sorry and sadden that you feel so strongly. Your points tell me that you really did not read my article well or you would have seen that I do honor motherhood. I also try very hard to be balanced. I showed in my article that it stands to reason that if a man can be “bad” so can a woman. “Badness” does not only come from men. Your comments seems to indicate that women can do no wrong at all, even in matriarchal societies. You did not read the comments of others here that concur with my article because they have lived the same.
Your comments seem to show a strong reaction out of deep anger. I feel as if you are projecting that anger and your presuppositions on me about who you think I am. I feel you have mistakenly judged me and my skills without knowing me or my very happy patients.
If some men have hurt you and/or abused you in your past, I can understand that. I hope you don’t lump all men into the same category. I believe that healthy families are those with a healthy woman and a healthy man. You need Dad and Mom. If anyone abuses that position the family is hurt. In a total patriarchy women can get hurt. In a total matriarchy men can get hurt. I believe in “Partner-archy.” That his the healthiest, in my opinion.
I encourage you to re-read my article so you can see I am very much for mothers… and fathers, equally.
Samuel Lopez De Victoria, Ph.D.
http://www.DrSam.tv
‘To use the term Godmother as if…… a disgusting negative stereotype.’
Isn’t it also an interesting coincidence that you should use for yourself the name ‘Mother Goddess’. (an opposite of ‘something…type’.)
If I were a man, or even a woman, I’d be scared to go to therapy with a ‘Goddess Mother’
Sounds exactly like my Italian mother.