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Living with & Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder

Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.
~Mark Twain

We are a psychologically sophisticated society. Emotional difficulties are now shared openly — not only by celebrities but by your average person. It’s not unusual for people to tell friends that they have an anxiety disorder, anger management problem, depression, panic attacks, phobias, eating disorder, substance abuse problem, OCD or ADD.

Yet, there is a widespread psychological disorder that most people know little or nothing about. Why? Because its symptoms are largely interpersonal, causing many to view it as a relationship issue, not a mental health one. Also, people shy away from the term because of its unflattering name: Borderline Personality Disorder.

204 Comments to
Living with & Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder

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  1. I was just recently diagnosed with this,and yes I did stumble across this on Google… But the thing is I’m trying to understand why I am this way and exactly what this BPD is… I didn’t realize that so many people were like me. I have my ups and downs and I know I have a problem. I have known for quite some time but trying to live a normal life is hard. I didn’t realize that I probably put my wife and parents through hell on a weekly basis, and as I read how cruel and bitter some of you can be it leads me to believe that it doesn’t get better with time.that with the passing time I will probably alienate every one around me and end up the subject of one of these rant forums. Since this is the forum for the victims of us monsters I will apologize for posting on here, I’m not trying to make this about me. I’m sorry you guys and gals had to go through this torment, I know how it feels to feel like its always my fault, I can imagine how it feels to constantly be told it is/was. I hope that everyone here finds the happiness they deserve. Good luck.

    • You are not a monster, and you are not alone. This is a forum where a lot of people who have suffered through situations with loved ones with BPD, and so it is understandable reading the content of some of these posts. This is however not the best platform for someone with the disorder, seeking help.

      I know because I have BPD as well, and I am in a fight for my life to get help and fight through this dysfunction. I have ruined relationships and hurt people I love and for years have asked myself why I am like this, but lacked the courage or maturity to truly seek the help I need.

      If you are anything like me,emotional and sensitive, DO NOT let that FEELING of hopelessness overwhelm you. You are doing the right thing by seeking help. Fight for yourself and do it for YOU. We are always going to have to fight harder to be healthy but it is what we have to do to make sure that we do not destroy ourselves and the ones we love in the process.

      You can do it and I am praying for you and anyone else that is battling this disorder.

    • I have BPD, I feel like I have no worth. I struggle to find a connection with myself others and the world. I have been abused in my younger years, I have been repressing my pain throughout the years. I have felt confused about my identity since I was a child, I didn’t always have borderline personality disorder but I develloped it in my 20s. I struggle with detachment, self destruction, and isolation. I have had many struggles in life aswell as an abundance of successes. But when I’m angry I forget who I am, it’s like I become split inside into a psycho and internally I’m also restraining myself from lashing out or hurting myself. I envision mass murder (not of anyone I know at all) but it’s scary because it kind of feels like I might become one of those people in crime shows and that would break my heart. Statistically I’m not supposed to survive in this world, I have brain damage, BPD, ADHD, PTSD…. the plan is to not be a statistic, these mental obstacles yes OBSTACLES, they have lead me to hurt others, but it’s important to place boundaries in my life and for myself that keep my BPD at bay, people shouldn’t Mess with me, if I feel threatened I can be dangerous, but I don’t seek to harm anyone at all. No one who suffers from BPD is doomed to an unstable future, but we do need support from others and the belief from others that we can be successful. We seem to forget that a lot. YOGA, MEDITATION, AGGRESSIVE CONTACT SPORTS, ART, all good tools to keep getting by. BPD sufferers are like a 50 50 ticket. Theres a 50 percent chance we can be successful and proud and accomplished in life and there’s a 50 percent change we’ll need a rubber room and a straight jacket lol. Please be self aware and communicate to friends and family your struggles your pain, your joy, your boundaries, your needs. And loved ones of BPD sufferers, get support aswell, communicate aswell, we are all people no one forget that.

  2. Hi…I am a mom of a bpd daughter. I have riding this roller coaster since she was in her late teens. She is now in her 30’s. She has three children from different men. The children do not need to be with her, however, no matter how hard we try she seems to get to keep them! She has overdosed 3 times in the last few months! I am so over being there to her encourage her. I just want to take her kids and run away!! She is in the psych ward as I am typing this. She knows she has her disorder and wishes she was normal but she just does not ever seem to get control of it!! She admitted herself a couple of days ago and did not put anyone on her contact list! I have stopped being an enabler and am trying to back away! I love my daughter more than anything. But, I have to take care of me and the kids too!!

    • You need a vacation, and your daughter needs to feel secure and not be worrying about getting her kids taken away from her.

  3. I have only been going out with my partner for 8 month today to be exact. We have had a turbulent time in our relationship. one being the fact i have lost my mother to cancer. I have fallen out with all family and to top it off, my BF contstantly has an issue with me and makes out it is my fault. I got him arrested previous due to his agressive and manipulative ways but then took him back as i felt i couldn’t be without him but the cycle still continues. Then as luck goes he has spoke to the doctor who confirms he has Emotionalunstable personality disorder and not only does he need medication, he needs anger management and phsyco therapy. It’s all good there has finally been a diagnosis. But i am just tired that every day is another day i am having to find the strength to go back to my own home as i know another arguement will be happening over nothing. Mostly i dont love him enough, i dont appreciate him enough. Telling his mum on our relationship (he’s 28 not 15)i dont know what to do really as i am stuck in this hole where i cant leave but i dont want to stay. One minute he is nice as ever cleaning, tidying up, everything i could ask for really. The next he is arguing that i am selfish, ungrateful and he rather be dead than not be with me and i dont think my head can take anymore to be honest

  4. First, thank you for the opportunity to read all of the many comments above. Misery loves company and sadly, there are many of us who are suffering due to a spouse with BPD. My experience mimics the above accounts only that I am a man married to a woman with BPD — and my wife also has DPD, and also NPD traits, as well as MDD, GAD, SAD, PTSD. In all, at least SEVEN mental illnesses and in sum my life 24-7 is an absolutely abhorrent nightmare. I have only been married to her for 3 years and in these 3 years I have suffered loss beyond words. I have lived a personal hell and am writing a book to share my story. My wife’s BPD is SEVERE; she has all 9 criteria and is bordering on psychosis in addition to BPD, etc. My daily life 24-7 is an abhorrent, egregious nightmare. Despite all of the meds, the higher doses of meds, the new meds, all of the psychiatrists consults, therapy by many different counselors and therapists, EMDR therapy, admission to an adult mental health unit at a large hospital, self-learning and workbooks, classes and support groups, support/ love/ caring/ encouragement/ forgiveness/ second and third and 300th chances etc, etc, etc despite it all it’s the same nasty, evil, vile disposition towards me and no matter how I respond be it gentle or with an edge in my voice or silence or seeking space from her or honoring my limits and boundaries, no matter what I do it is NEVER ever good enough and out comes the intense violent rage and anger and laying guilt and reminding me what a miserable person I am when I simply express my independence be it a different opinion or wanting to do x thing or asking for something I need from her, rather than incessantly give to her whatever she demands as if my sole value to her lies in what at that moment I am giving her and her holding zero value for me as a person independent of herself. It’s 100% take, take, take, take, take and give ONLY when it serves her too. It’s drained my energy reserves to the point I have nothing more to give and am depleted, empty, disillusioned, burnt out, destroyed and near dead on the inside. Yet she still demands more and more. It’s emotional and psychological abuse — which takes a toll on both mental and physical health and wellbeing. Hell I am not even allowed by her to use such terms. I am bad for calling what she does abuse. I am the TRUE victim yet she plays victim to transfer all of her inner shame and anger at me as if it’s all me who is at fault for her 40 years of misery due to what others in her life and she herself has done. And thus, when in victim mode directing all that nasty vile rage and disgust for me as if it’s all me who is responsible for her issues. When she is not in her victim playing mode she is confrontational or worse, passive aggressive — silent, not saying a word instead waiting to unleash it all on me in a violent rage when its convenient for her, which I have come to see is a pattern of unleashing rage when she needs to shift to victim mode which then in her mind evidently washes free from her all of what she has done to-date and projects it all onto me and vents HORRIFIC RAGE at me instead of at her herself. How convenient and “loving” that is. And I am supposed to just take it. The mental health care providers and even much of the content online or in books is all centered on how we, an abuse victim(s), must be patient and understanding and supportive and blah blah blah yet zero regard for the absolute hell that we are forced to endure. It is such an evil, despicable set of traits. Some of what is done is clearly intentional — she KNOWS what she is doing/ makes that choice cognitively, it is rather obvious at such times it’s a choice. At other times its seemingly a psychotic episode, a true mental illness not a behavioral matter. BUT HERE IS THE DEAL (FOR YOU BORDERLINES WHO CONDEMN US WHO ARE YOUR TARGETS OF ABUSE AND NEGLECT BY A BPD PERSON) — it’s irrelevant whether or not the nightmare is a choice (behavior/ attitude) or an illness that isn’t a matter of choice. The outcome is the same either way and for victims subjected to this egregious abuse it’s the outcome that has 100% attention not the causes. The issue of causes is a matter of concern for only the BPD person and their psychiatrist/ psychologist, who must figure it out. Again, the cause as well as whether or not x actions is a choice or a mental illness is 100% irrelevant to us who are true victims subjected to abuse by those with BPD. After all, the outcome is abuse and when those with BPF minimize it they are invalidating what they themselves are doing and that is adding on even more abuse. Furthermore, in our society and in healthcare especially, which is my field, status quo practices and policies are furthering the abuse being suffered by both those with mental illness and their loved ones. One more thing … looking back to when I met/ involved my self with the person who is now my wife, I see how I got hooked in; what a fool I was. Believed all of her stories of how others had taken advantage of and used her and her expert victim playing, the poor me, help me, protect me, pity me, all of it worked, triggered my protective instincts and as a personal coach at the time, feel right into that mode and now can’t help but see it as a con game, pure manipulation and control. Same patterns she uses with me. And how does one exit such a relationship? She is not stable and acts out in despicable ways to retaliate and get revenge for even nonissues! So my God what the hell is she capable of doing when the issue is asking for a divorce? Frankly, I fear her and that is not healthy nor fun to feel that kind of fear 24-7.

  5. After reading the comments on here, I am pretty confused. My girlfriend has BPD and she is very hurtful, not physically, but mentally and spiritually. She has very low self esteem and she blames me all the time for her not feeling wanted, she constantly needs child like reasurance that my intentions towards her are true. She sets me impossible tasks, and cuts me dead if i dont meet them, she asks impossible questions that i cant answer, tells me she loves me one minute then tells me there is no point in us the next, ive fought for 2 years to get her the help she needs within the mental health sector, and now she has it, she uses the appointments to try and control me, saying she wont go because im not interested in her wellfare, when i took the NHS to case for not adhering to her needs. I am in a constant flux of hot and cold, charm and offensive, she sees no wrong in her behaviour, then the next minute says she wants to be well.
    My confusion arises when people say that in order to deal with her i must compromise my own morals and standards, let her take her frustration and anger out on my and just ignore it as she probably doenst mean it. Be consistant and dont rise to the occassion. The way she behaves, meaning or not is in the eyes of the law abusive. the behaviour of a person living with BPD is demening for the person who loves them, i love my girl so much, and the glimpses of the person i know she is are overshadowed by the monster that rears when the void she can not fill by over eating, or over spending becomes the challange that can only be filled by a torrent of abuse and hurt that she feels she must appologise for later….
    i am under no illusion that the pain felt by my girl is huge, and that even as she is saying the things she does, or cutting me dead saying she no longer loves me and she is leaving and i can shove christmas as far up as i can get it, she probably regrets as soon as it comes out of her mouth, but when do the caregivers and people who genuinly love someone with BPD get the recognition that we are in fact living in abusive relationships. if somone was hitting me i would be told to leave or press charges, but because she has BDP i must be patient and kind, turn the other cheek, its often too hard.
    i have the utmost respect for anyone brave enough to step over the boarder line and get the help they need, and i hope that everyone needing it doenst have to wait as long as my girl did….
    venting here makes me no different to her, but my comments are not aimed to hurt or demorolise or degrade anyone not ever her,
    but im giving in more and more with every challange, im not strong enough to be with this and i feel my influence though laced with good intention is not healthy.
    she is the love of my life, but i can not take one more suicide attempt, one more barrage of insults or whats more the cold heart that she knows hurts me more than anything else.
    Im disappointed in myself that i wasnt enough.
    im sure with time we will both heal
    my advice would be, if you can live with this then congratulations, if not get out so as not to hurt each other
    i am emotionally drained, ive got nothing left in the bank to offer her any more……

    • I’m a man married to a BPD woman. I truly do feel for you. Know you are NOT alone. Know you are NOT the one triggering or causing these incidents. It is her and her BPD. As a victim myself I do not advocate sacrificing your morals and values! Your needs and best interests independent of hers are equal to her needs and best interests independent of you. Meaning, BOTH persons have needs and best interests. One doesn’t hold more value for one’s own needs and disregard the others’ — that’s what Borderlines are about, but you cannot give into it because that is only enabling/ predisposing and perpetuating the Borderline traits. Trust me: no matter what you do it will not ever be enough to satisfy or please your Borderline lover. So hold onto your needs and values and enforce them as the boundaries they are. If you are not use to this term “boundaries” think of it like a border, such as the borders of the U.S. — there are checkpoints and border patrol guards at our borders for a reason: to prevent unauthorized access. Well your own boundaries with a Borderline work in the same fashion: protecting your values and needs; setting limits for what you will accept or tolerate. You must set and more importantly, hold to your boundaries. Not set them then allow the Borderline to crash on through. They will do this and will lay on the charm and other con games to get you to sacrifice yourself to serve them, but you must not. When known boundaries are violated that too is abuse and neglect.

    • You aren’t married and you have no children
      As far as I’ve deciphered. My advice to
      you, coming from 10 years and 2 kids, is
      to save yourself. Get out while it’s not as

  6. Lovely to see people who have chosen to be around people with BPD blame the person with BPD for hurting them over and over again. I don’t have BPD and but have met people who do, and my impression has always been that those who get hooked on people like this are mentally ill themselves. That isn’t a criticism, I also had mental illness (ED, anxiety, depression etc.) and suffer form similar attachment issues to someone with BPD to a much lesser severity. But knowing the pain of those attachment issues I can relate to them and understand the escalation process.

    The more you blame the person with BPD the more angry they will get because they already blame themselves. If you can’t cope, walk away, don’t blame them for being them if you’re going to keep yourself in the situation. If you want them to take responsibility, you’re also going to have to take responsibility.

    Equally, it is much easier for someone like me, with much milder attachment problems, to take responsibility for them and take action because they are manageable and infrequent (I’ve only twice in my life felt completely controlled by my emotions, and it was horrific and painful, but when the second time demonstrated it wasn’t just the situation it was something in me I took action). If you felt like that all the time it would be unbearable to face and it would feel overwhelming. So compassion from both sides maybe?

    • Anon, it starts with compassion – on one side. Lots and lots and lots of it. That’s part of what sucks people into these relationships.

      There is no compassion, however, from the other side. It doesn’t take long for the behaviors shown by someone with bpd to kill the compassion. If you read the comments, you’d see: even here, it’s all about them.

      If you haven’t experienced it, you don’t get it. It is truly crazy-making.

  7. It is indeed wonderful that we have such articles to help us cope with and live peacefully with someone that has BPD or any other mental illness however I do believe that the authors of such articles should also remind readers that these articles are not diagnostic tools and that they are not qualified (if they do not have a psychology or psychiatry degree) to diagnose someone with any mental illness whatsoever since those who are diagnosing can suffer a lot from it.

    I have been having anxiety problems and had a massive argument with a friend of mine once. The next day I called that friend up and apologised (even though I did not agree to what they said) because I cared for that friend and I did not want the friendship to end because of an argument. The day after that he sent me links about BPD and “diagnosing” me with it and telling me I should seek help. We are both bachelor students of a science major mind you. He also sent links like this to my fiancé and friends warning him to protect themselves from me. I was very hurt and I started doubting myself so much that I did visit a psychiatrist believing that I might have BPD. Turned put of course I didn’t and was just dealing with a lot of anxiety. Though my image between my friends has already been ruined and I am yet struggling to build my image back.

    To conclude: If you are worried about a certain somebody let the professionals diagnose and decide what is wrong with them. Try to politely ask them to visit a psychologist or a psychiatrist for help. Do not diagnose them yourself and certainly do not spread your idea to their friends and family.

  8. It is indeed wonderful that we have such articles to understand and manage people we care about that happen to be dealing with a mental illness or that are dealing with one themselves. I, myself have been dealing with anxiety issues and I have friends who are dealing with depression. However, as a suggestion, I would like add that perhaps it is best if the articles here do remind the readers without the necessary degree that these are not diagnostic tools as I was diagnosed with BPD by a friend who does not hold a degree in psychology or psychiatry and notified my fiancé and friends without consulting a professional. I visited a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with anxiety rather than BPD although my image has already been ruined. Please not that I am not attacking anyone here, the author or another otherwise. my heart goes out to those dealing with this illness and their caregivers. You are strong people and my comment is a suggestion. Thank you.

  9. What people need to remeber is there is over 300 different combinations of bpd, meaning that whilst sufferers may meet the same diagnosis, they do not behave the same way.

    As a BPD sufferer, when i have angry outbursts they are in private and the anger is only directed at myself. I suffer from Anorexia as well, and it kills me when I watch my family worry about me making me feel like a monster.

    Most of us with Bpd do actually have feelings and care about those we live. Not all of us feel like the world owes us. People need to have some empathy.

  10. The 180 my wife pulled on me seemed so
    outrageous I thought it a fluke of some
    sort. Totally blindsided me .You victims
    out there already know the details. The
    behavior started in preparation of our
    wedding.It never stopped after that.
    I assumed it was just a premarital
    freak out . I got sucked in to the fight
    but it didn’t take long to realize I was
    up against something else. Went to
    seek professional help and yielded
    no fruit. Tried working it out. Things
    seemed even worse. We had 2 children
    despite all this as I remained optimistic
    things could change. They have not.
    We’ve been married 10 years. I’m tired
    And my kids are now being affected .She
    seems unwilling to get the help she needs
    and blames me for most everything. I feel
    now more then ever it’s time to go. It’s
    my opinion the kids , ages 2 and 5 will be
    better off in that by staying I am only
    perpetuating the crazy. Everyone says
    get out. What can I expect to happen
    when I do.

  11. I have been recently diagnosed with BPD. I can tell that nearly everyone one here that has commented have not done their research. And have only experienced BPD from the the outside looking in. I can tell you all one thing WE CARE. I understand that I hurt the one close to me, but it’s not my intention. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I just can’t simply control my behavior. So please don’t comment on this unless you HAVE BPD and know HOW IT FEELS.

  12. My wife has several signs of BPD. She has been in therapy for over a year and a half. She also has anxiety and depression. She has a ton of friends and doesn’t push them away, but she pushes me away all of the time. Last night she asked for a divorce because she will never be happy and I appear to be unhappy. Her behavior has caused me to seek therapy for my anxiety, yet most of my therapy session is spent speaking about her. Do I love her, yes. Can I see myself going through the next 40 years of yelling, screaming, isolating, manipulating, and self-mutilation? After the past 3 years I don’t think so anymore. Ever since we got engaged things went downhill. She has always been a “dirty” person – doesn’t pick up after herself, poor hygiene, and just leaves everything for me to do. I have asked her for help around the house…she says I am complaining… Last night she said she wants to be alone and live in a dirty apartment and not worry about anything. Marriage counseling has been suggested in the past…but now I don’t know if I even want to try anymore. I feel drained and empty.

    • It is the same thing over and over
      Isn’t it . My wife makes messes just to see
      if I’ll clean them up. It’s a freakish control
      method. I’m not Frlix Unger but I like my
      house clean. I’ve tried leaving the mess
      but that just makes me even crazier . Frustrated
      husband do you have kids? If not then get
      out now while it’s not as complicated

  13. My wife suffers from BPD and it cause a lot of friction in our union. It is nice to read the comments from people who have opened up about their ailments. I learned SO MUCH from your comments and doing some in-depth research on this affliction.

    I’ve known of BPD and her condition for a long time, but I never took the time to read on the issues. There are times when she can burst into a profanity-laced tirade, and then there are moments when she can be crying as if she were at a funeral. I do walk on eggshells from time to time. I fear the reaction I’ll get if I say or do anything contrary to what she wants. This isn’t a daily ritual, but it does happen with a degree of frequency.

    She is fully aware of her condition. She doesn’t try to hide it or pretend it doesn’t exist. This has been a lifelong issue. She’s made progress, but she still has a quick temper and will spit all types of words when enraged.

    I will try to apply a lot of you guys’ comments when dealing with these issues. If you have any additional tips, please pass them along.

  14. My bpd daughter is now 25 and pregnant. For the first 2mths of pregnancy she appeared calm and considerate for the first time that I can remember but then she reverted to her previous bpd pattern of behaviour. Her partner is now the focus of most of her abusive out bursts. I am worried yet again for the future and wonder how she will be when the child is born. Myself and her 3 siblings have been spared the excesses of her abuse and manipulation since she began this relationship two years ago.
    She has a good job and appears to have good working relationships. Although I suspect they are manipulative as she is very ambitious. The partner she has chosen is also about furthering her career. He has remained loyal and supportive and has tolerated her outbursts. He has his own issues as at 30 he had not had a previous relationship – I suspect he has Aspergers. I wonder if this will help him cope with her bpd.
    We all hope for the best as I have never seen her be cruel to children or animals.
    Maybe she will find a maternal instinct and hopefully her outbursts will start to subside
    Selfishly I’m glad that she has stopped her constant abuse of me at the moment.
    Although she has threatened to have an abortion at 2mths. This is typical of her emotional roller coaster behaviour and designed to upset those closest to her.
    I have read that the symptoms of borderline’s diminish with age. I live in hope
    Let me add I have great sympathy and indeed empathy for all those in close relationships with Bpd. You cannot protect yourself for you love them. Whether they love you in return is not clear. I suspect they want you to stay but are somehow stifled by your presence preferring the company of those who are indifferent to them.

  15. I went to therapy for years and never got a diagnosis. When doctors wanted me to participate in their [taxpayer-funded] experiment I had to provide my informed consent as the law requires nowadays. That was when I learned of my diagnosis and BPD, at age 31. Many are reluctant to diagnose mental illness in teenagers but that would have been helpful. Also, many professionals are unwilling to discuss diagnosis or prognosis but that’s what the patient needs the most. Imagine seeing an oncologist unwilling to discuss cancer.

    But that was 30 years ago, many jobs ago, many apartments ago, and many moves ago. That may be an important defense mechanism, that is, just flush the past down the toilet and move on. I’m so poor at maintaining relationships its better not to be reminded of how many times I’ve failed.

    I can’t stand being alone and I can’t stand being around people. In recent months, it seems like isolation may be one key to stability. If I can go days without seeing or talking to anyone I sleep much more restfully. Without the daily ups and downs of social life I can regulate moods a little better. Since I’m never going to have a stable, healthy, adult relationship, it makes some sense to avoid relationships altogether.

    Of course, a life in isolation is no life at all. It’s more like clock-watching or counting the days until I die. But my sleep has improved and that’s what I’ve missed the most, sleep as respite from unpleasant mood swings.

    Many claim there’s always help to be found. Not really. When I was young, maybe, but now, most professionals hear my diagnosis and case history and want nothing to do with me. Strange how the mental health profession doesn’t want to deal with troubled individuals. What help is offered is expensive or out of reach. DBT requires a “treatment team” of 3 or 4 therapists. Not many people can afford that. Other therapies rely on professionals that are trained, talented, and willing to provide therapy. Those individuals are few.

    It is a long and winding road and it gets narrower every year. Options become fewer and more limiting. I’ve often thought about becoming an advocate and promoting understanding and treatment.

    But the greatest impediment to treatment is religion. Not just one religion but all religion, all spirituality, and all supernatural beliefs. Many still consider mental illness to be a spiritual illness and the some treatment offered is spiritual counseling. And many consider mental illness to be a moral failing or personal defect, that is, the patients brought this on themselves.

    So that’s where I stand, alone.
    It’s not a friendly place and it’s not comforting.
    But it does avoid the frustration of attempting to live in a world of people that refuse to understand me and a world full of therapists that refuse to treat me.

  16. As a parent with a bipolar child with possible BPD comorrbidity I’m struggling to keep our family in tact. Our lives are very much reflected in the many blogs posted. Siblings without empathy toward the BPD. Lines drawn, refusals to be together for holidays or events. Dialogue of blame and shame. Horrible words of hate and mistrust. I’ve tried to suggest individual research on how they can help themselves deal with their sibling. They want me to Fix them. set them straight. Etcetera etcetera. When I don’t I’m called an enabler. All this back and forth on this blog of I’m right, your wrong and run their ruining my life is my my family. Isn’t that sad. 15 years of their 28 with therapists and family councelling has been extremely expensive and not much help. They’re all adults now and continue to regress.

  17. Here’s a thought…BPD is a mental ILLNESS(a chemical imbalance in the brain).There are people in this forum and in the world that say ” grow up” or, “go f’yourself ” or “let them REAP THEIR CONSEQUENCES “…etc. Would you say these things to someone with cancer or diabetes? Why is a mental illness DIFFERENT? Do u think people ASK for BPD ? People have all kinds of compassion for ANY OTHER disease EXCEPT MENTAL ILLNESS (and now we’re talking about BORDERLINE) . AND yes, I know what I’m talking about.Mental Health Worker 30years.

  18. I don’t deserve my husband. He was one of my closest friends growing up, always a good listener. He watched me suffer as a teen into my adult life. I feel like he got the worst out of this relationship. I often wonder what his life would’ve been like if I hadn’t been in it. I find myself feeling guilty that I am likely the reason he is unhappy, real or imagined. I can’t keep a job or even keep up with my appointments. I’m a curse to him and his well being,but he keeps on trucking because he cares so much. It’s crazy how sexual and physical abuse as a kid can muck up your entire life. If you live with someone with BPD, just remember that they love you and appreciate you, no matter how awful they can be.

  19. Wow! I always wondered what drove my ex wife to do the things she did. This was an eye opener to me. She has all the issues with BPD. She’s been to therapy for two years but I’ve never heard her mention BPD to me. I’m assuming her therapists talk to her about it. They never used that term with me when I spoke with them. She alienated people right and left. She told me loved me and then would turn around and berate me. She alienated my kids and her friends. Always would say derogatory terms things about them and never could understand why they would get mad at her. It was always someone else’s fault. I could not stand it anymore. After 8 years of marriage, I filed for divorce. Everything I’ve read on this blog doesn’t give me any confidence that it would get better with people that have this illness. Frankly,I’m happier now and sleep better than I have in 8 years. But, I’m scared to ever get involved in another relationship. Deep scars. Good luck to anyone that stays with someone that has BPD. If you have, I would like to know how it has worked out. Does it get better? Thanks. Papa J

  20. Some of these comments are confusing BPD with Narcissistic personally, been around both of them…

  21. This article is complete bullshit. “there’s stigma surrounding BPD” …Well I WONDER WHY with stuff like this getting published. When you have an illness and are basically told you will never improve/it is unlikely, it hurts. It’s hopeless. I don’t feel human. Compounding that fact, a lot of us with BPD think we are worthless or even hate ourselves anyway. Want proof? 75% of us self-injure. No, that’s not always the exact cause of injuring, but when you feel like you are burning alive, sometimes that’s what it takes to fix it. I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve said sorry. My current bf says I apologize too much, and the truth is that I no longer trust myself to know when I’m doing something wrong or not, so I just apologize for everything.

    And the parents who say they can’t stand their child with BPD? I’m sorry, you are the true monster. You try growing up BPD. some of us don’t even make it. You know what? your kids would probably be better off without you. Here’s a thought–try treating them as an equal, a friend, a human.

  22. Emotional rollercoaster isn’t the word. It’s a living hell. I have started reading up on this and it describes my wife to a t. Drugs,promicuous sex, unable to manage money, credit card debt, impulsivity, anger, one minute hates you but won’t let you leave, no cutting but she digs holes in her tongue. Now she has temporary custody of kids. She has manipulated many people including myself. I am working on getting kids in my care. Honestly don’t know what to do for her but get my kids and self away from her. Can people like this actually be dangerous. She has threatened poison and burning house down many times. Any suggestions?

  23. I’ve been diagnosed with BPD, and it has become the focus for my spouse to blame me for everything and then, when I try to explain, to say “that’s typical of BPD.” My spouse also has BPD but has lied to psychiatrists to keep from getting that diagnosis. Spouse has ALL the signs, and I only have some. BUT it is all my fault. Spouse comes to these sorts of sites and reads all this and then uses it against me. In my case, at least,these support sites are making my life worse.

  24. I had a 12 year long friendship with a young woman who plainly had BPD , but I was of course not aware of that at the time (1974-1986) We shared an apartment for a year (1976) and during that time I experienced her rages and violence (throwing things, punching me) plus provocations both of a sexual and non-sexual nature. It was living hell and I did not help by taking everything personally. A few months after I moved out, she wanted to see me, and was as sweet and kind as when I first met her. So we remained friends. From this point on, there were no more rages, violence or provocations, though I did see her horribly depressed, drunk, and in panic mode from time to time. We could talk like normal people, without me walking on eggshells. She trusted me, respected me and said she loved and admired me. It was though I went through some kind of test and passed. Is this gaining of trust, even in an abusive relationship, something that happens with BDP sufferers? Was it because I was there for her regardless of her hostile actions, and at no time thrust her out of my life?

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